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Channel: СТС

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Channel: СТС

уральские пельмени

азбука уральских пельменей

уральские пельмени последний выпуск

уральские пельмени 2022

стс

юмористическое шоу уральские пельмени

уральские пельмени лучшее

уральские пельмени премьера на стс

уральские пельмени новое

вячеслав мясников

андрей рожков

уральские пельмени новое 2022

роман постовалов

ксения корнева

дмитрий брекоткин

сборник бабки уральские пельмени

00:00:01

[music]

00:00:04

grandma didn’t understand the phone and

00:00:08

decided that he was a drug addict

00:00:19

Danila left the phone you left your phone

00:00:33

I press Hello

00:00:42

This is who says I’m Siri How can I help you

00:00:51

Let’s increase my pension

00:00:54

I’m sorry but I don’t understand what you want from me

00:00:59

I’m like this they say in the same council:

00:01:14

Excuse me for repeating

00:01:23

Jarhat letter by letter,

00:01:49

switching to Arabic,

00:01:55

you don’t happen to know anything about Victor

00:01:58

Victor from the second entrance

00:02:01

Victor translated from Latin is

00:02:03

a winner

00:02:05

That’s why his Alevtina always

00:02:09

walks around with a black eye

00:02:14

Contact the police

00:02:24

and you don’t know anything about Marinka from the

00:02:27

sixth apartments Marinka 6 apartment in

00:02:30

my opinion Walking

00:02:32

I couldn’t find anything on the Internet

00:02:34

for the request Marinka of the sixth apartment, in

00:02:36

my opinion walking, so

00:02:39

I also couldn’t find anything

00:02:42

I spent half a day with my eyes standing there,

00:02:46

no movements

00:02:49

I had this one come up next door

00:02:52

walking, I have

00:02:54

Zina there she’s on duty he won’t miss her

00:03:01

[applause]

00:03:05

[music]

00:03:06

[applause]

00:03:53

What other friend of yours is just like

00:03:57

you, only she doesn’t smell like onions

00:04:01

I don’t understand anything Did you smoke the Breast Collection

00:04:11

Katya, watch the episode Meet this is my

00:04:15

friend, it’s very nice what should I

00:04:18

call you oh My mother is a woman

00:04:23

Hello, my mother is a woman

00:04:56

What to do if a friend traded you

00:04:58

for a soulless car

00:05:00

The Middle Ages, traitors poured slop on them

00:05:03

and let them walk naked down the street,

00:05:06

everything is right, the day before yesterday she ran naked down the

00:05:08

street

00:05:11

only without slop, what are you coming up with I

00:05:14

met this ambulance

00:05:17

so I met that I then told you I

00:05:19

took things quietly

00:05:21

to meet the ambulance. You need to call her first.

00:05:28

Syria What to do with a friend who

00:05:31

talks to the dead and writers

00:05:35

casting for the program Battle of psychics

00:05:39

realized that she understood

00:05:42

psychics Let them sit there in this in

00:05:45

the trunk Although they will search

00:05:48

Although you will carry a bow a mile away

00:05:54

now you will be fatal

00:06:00

Nikolai Vasilyevich

00:06:05

candid photos of Brezhnev

00:06:09

without medals,

00:06:14

it’s your toothless mouth

00:06:23

Grandma, here’s my mobile phone I’m all running

00:06:26

Danil

00:06:32

Danila from Nizhny Tagil

00:06:37

Well, Dean Come on,

00:06:40

excuse me for the bow and you forgive me

00:06:43

for what I said about your head about

00:06:45

you guilty ran out what

00:06:48

the mother gave birth to the whole world let's make peace

00:06:51

Let's just make peace Let's just call you this

00:06:54

series

00:07:00

Okay I won't OK Google

00:07:04

[music]

00:07:21

lately in Europe there are already grandfathers and

00:07:26

old ladies

00:07:28

Well, it's been a

00:07:30

long time since you won't have

00:07:34

a girlfriend soon Oh Are you a funeral person

00:07:38

gathered

00:07:40

alone here sitting on a bench Yes, you’re like

00:07:44

our mayor, you’re just Promising

00:07:57

I’ll soon become young and beautiful I

00:08:01

bought some tablets Dietary supplements called

00:08:04

Dietary supplements I bought So I

00:08:07

eat them and I’m getting younger I’ll soon become so

00:08:11

young I’ll find myself

00:08:13

freelancers from a coworking space

00:08:17

I’ll ask him what it is So why would

00:08:21

you give up these dietary supplements in the first place,

00:08:25

since for some reason I want to

00:08:28

take this Petrovich away from Lenka Vladimirovna, he’s

00:08:35

terrible, wrinkled, he’ll soon

00:08:42

In general, one of them will soon leave the

00:08:54

happy owner of a super thin

00:08:57

Teflon frying pan for

00:08:59

666 rubles,

00:09:03

only you and Satan

00:09:08

[applause]

00:09:09

Whose cow was mooing? And you forgot that

00:09:13

as a five-star musical you bought a

00:09:17

musical grater on one side, a grater

00:09:19

on the other side, a harmonica,

00:09:21

you forgot how you mixed up the sides, I do

00:09:27

n’t remember,

00:09:35

my eyesight improve, okay, I

00:09:38

can see everything now oh the smallest details. What are

00:09:41

you doing? Lord,

00:09:45

how scary and scary Oh

00:09:49

my God, you're like a nuclear war, you're

00:09:53

wrinkled, you're a crocodile,

00:09:56

why do you have a white cat, he's not white, he's

00:09:59

gray-haired with fear,

00:10:04

Oh, my tooth is growing where, right here

00:10:12

in the gap, here's a

00:10:17

baby tooth, and you found something to surprise My

00:10:20

entire jaw is milky, I bleach it in milk at night

00:10:23

and look what it does, the

00:10:27

wrinkles on my palm have disappeared. Yes, what is

00:10:30

it I was burned with an iron in 1973, my

00:10:34

memory is restored I’m still on Oh, you

00:10:39

viper.

00:10:41

When will you give me the money? What other

00:10:44

money are you what? you took it from me on

00:10:47

December 23 at 17:00 in the evening in

00:10:50

1963,

00:11:12

the gaiter is with this skirt, it doesn’t

00:11:15

match each other,

00:11:16

you should also have leather leggings, a black section

00:11:20

with white sneakers, priests, we have

00:11:22

Youth taste has awakened

00:11:24

You look like

00:11:28

smacks, everyone will serve They will think why are you

00:11:31

sitting on the porch like a marama

00:11:36

and what are you going to do to me, wrinkled rutabaga

00:11:40

Lord, the youthful maximalist woke up

00:11:49

[music]

00:12:09

I knew that everything was not natural I

00:12:15

saved it up a little Give me some water on you

00:12:19

Dietary supplements, oh, you’re giving away the whole jar Yes, I do

00:12:23

n’t feel sorry for my best friend, it

00:12:26

crumbles so hard these are your teeth

00:12:30

I'll go Perhaps there's something

00:12:33

small written on the jar Now I'm reading activated charcoal

00:12:54

[applause]

00:12:58

[music] [

00:12:59

applause] [music] [applause] [music] [applause] [music

00:13:11

]

00:13:12

[applause]

00:13:14

[music]

00:13:17

Vacation is a sample pensions

00:13:23

[music]

00:13:27

[applause]

00:13:30

[music]

00:13:31

[applause]

00:13:35

Yes, how many 16 kilograms do

00:13:40

you have until Monday only

00:13:42

for an hour

00:13:48

Yulechka why do you look what what in

00:13:53

my opinion girls are bad

00:13:55

what did you take Why is it with Petrovna the

00:14:00

same thing happened you remember with Petrovna but she makes

00:14:02

faces at you she was sitting, making a face about

00:14:44

what, what did

00:14:46

he say? She says everything

00:14:50

and someone punched her in the face. And that’s why

00:14:55

such lips of a

00:14:57

young lady, someone, everything and her speech apparatus is

00:15:03

impaired, she doesn’t have a member, to speak separately,

00:15:06

it’s a stroke. I know for sure, I had three,

00:15:10

and her face sealed

00:15:15

never in my life

00:15:19

How old Judging by the appearance of about 15 years,

00:15:25

yes

00:15:35

Alla, her eyes

00:15:38

started to swell

00:15:39

Oh, that pressure jumped, my

00:15:43

daughter, her pressure jumped, yes Judging

00:15:46

by the balls 180 by 240, she was

00:15:51

cracked,

00:16:27

Lord, very much to the psychiatrist,

00:16:33

psychiatrist,

00:16:39

her tongue began to fall out

00:16:47

because he’s losing consciousness, take everyone

00:16:50

here

00:16:53

[applause]

00:17:05

Father Seraphim

00:17:09

to Gorky Park, we urgently need an

00:17:13

exorcist with holy water Yes, better than an inquisitor with

00:17:17

stakes with a flamethrower

00:17:22

and silver bullets, we’re all waiting for

00:17:30

cockroaches

00:17:54

Oh mom,

00:18:01

what a mom,

00:18:05

your hallucinations have already begun Everything is

00:18:08

mentally unhealthy, perfect, what should we do?

00:18:11

we'll I don't know

00:18:14

Let's go to bed

00:18:22

come here I forgot my phone

00:18:34

Oh I'm Lala do

00:18:40

n't bring it to me

00:18:46

I'm high blood pressure

00:18:48

You look at this what is it I check my

00:18:51

blood pressure [applause] [music]

00:19:13

[applause]

00:19:16

[music] [applause]

00:19:18

[music]

00:19:20

[applause ]

00:19:24

[music] the

00:19:29

wolf's feet are fed and the grandmothers' chicken feet

00:19:40

I've been alone for 30 years, this is very By the way, you

00:19:44

prepared very well that you're

00:19:47

alone like this That's very good What are you

00:19:49

doing? This is so that we won't be bugged

00:19:52

at home. What are you doing this so that we won't be

00:19:55

bugged?

00:19:59

I Now I’ll tell you everything, I’ll just

00:20:03

turn on the water so they don’t listen, so she’s

00:20:05

listening, now wait, I’ll be in the

00:20:07

bathroom, I’ll turn it on. My faucet doesn’t work.

00:20:09

What are you doing? I

00:20:11

’ll make noise differently now.

00:20:13

Well, listen now, I’m

00:20:19

not a freak. So it’s like that now

00:20:25

Yura, such things mean we've had

00:20:30

enough at home already. Come on, say what you wanted.

00:20:32

Okay, I'll tell you this, Nyura, you and

00:20:36

I will rob the pension fund.

00:20:42

You're like cats.

00:20:50

How can you bite the hand that

00:20:54

feeds you? We won't bite it; we'll lick it;

00:20:58

no one will notice

00:21:06

even if they give us a life sentence. We

00:21:08

'll serve the

00:21:14

pension, let's immediately

00:21:17

rob the bank. We don't have as much money as the

00:21:21

pension fund. Moreover, the bank is guarded by the

00:21:23

police and the Pension Fund has a latch on the

00:21:28

movement. Well, okay, we'll rob the

00:21:31

Pension Fund, what will the rest of the

00:21:35

pensioners get and the rest of the

00:21:36

pensioners will get the same amount as the

00:21:38

USA now?

00:21:41

Make up your mind Yura Make up your mind, I’m not at home You know

00:21:45

that I’m done, the

00:21:47

last time you and I were robbed Berkasu’s

00:21:50

pen was stolen,

00:21:54

who was waiting for something not to spin on the wire You’re a

00:21:57

fool Tom, we were running then, I

00:22:01

dislocated my shoulder this time there won’t

00:22:05

be a cutoff Make up your mind, I watched all the films with

00:22:07

robberies Tomochka Why do

00:22:09

we need so much money,

00:22:11

why do we need so much money and Nyura,

00:22:14

imagine you want to order a stripper for your funeral

00:22:18

but there is no money

00:22:21

when we rob

00:22:24

today, today my joints don’t ache

00:22:27

anymore, there won’t be such a chance as long

00:22:29

as we rob we rob

00:22:32

as much as we take away As many

00:22:38

times as three in a month

00:22:43

means telling

00:22:59

and then and then we run out, jump into the

00:23:02

car and leave We need a Carrier

00:23:05

seen Statham

00:23:08

Why did I watch all three parts, a proven man

00:23:12

And if she refuses, she’s only a fool or something,

00:23:15

I’ll tell him that we’re robbing the pension fund,

00:23:17

that we’ll be filming more cinema won’t

00:23:19

have to do everything for the rest of his life, he’ll be provided for the rest of his life, he won’t

00:23:22

refuse if he refuses, I’ll ask my grandfather to

00:23:24

take him on a walk-behind tractor Come here Come here why are you

00:23:29

yelling like that you can be heard on the street

00:23:33

Tell me I’ll create a noise curtain

00:23:56

[applause]

00:23:58

told

00:23:59

[applause]

00:24:01

So listen, we’re going to work if

00:24:04

you're in business then 80 to 20 no 60 to 40

00:24:12

good 70 to 30

00:24:15

110 to 70

00:24:17

What are you talking about

00:24:20

and we're not discussing pressure I'll

00:24:26

tell you everything Bad you mean no

00:24:29

in short we're robbing the pension fund you're in

00:24:32

business you're driving us on a walk-behind tractor to the

00:24:33

pension fund we jump out and you

00:24:36

stand there and don’t turn off the walk-behind tractor, if I did

00:24:38

n’t turn it off, I’ll run out of gas, I’ll have to

00:24:44

rob the gas station. Then the pension fund’s plan changes and you go, rob the

00:24:47

gas station, and come back. We run out,

00:24:50

jump into the back and spend the day on the walk-behind tractor.

00:24:52

Yes, there are clinics near the clinic, we

00:24:55

blow up the walk-behind tractor and disappear into

00:24:58

queue to the therapist

00:25:02

I remembered you Yes, start the walk-behind tractor today

00:25:06

Nyura Yura, the most important thing is if I

00:25:10

’m not there in 40 minutes Run, that means you’ve

00:25:14

been imprisoned No, that means 2 heavy Run

00:25:16

helps the bed

00:25:23

[applause]

00:25:31

So it’s so great I like the

00:25:34

camouflage bedside table I can’t see it, even

00:25:37

with glasses it’s okay because I

00:25:41

keep onions in this stocking

00:25:44

So you don’t have to see it, just

00:25:47

follow me in the voice I shout

00:25:50

everything is fine

00:26:09

while you run out of the bank

00:26:25

[applause]

00:26:38

[music]

00:26:51

Guess what I have in my hands

00:26:55

now pension

00:26:58

If there was a pension I would give you said

00:27:00

Guess what I have between my fingers

00:27:03

now, a

00:27:05

stone, a stone, I have a

00:27:10

knife hidden in my kidneys behind my back, I

00:27:14

still haven’t returned the jars to you, that’s why

00:27:25

it hasn’t become any easier,

00:27:27

some kind of jar Are you putting each cucumber in a

00:27:30

separate jar?

00:27:36

The energy worker is the one who Nam the light

00:27:40

was turned off for non-payment,

00:27:42

this is a bastard,

00:27:50

but this is Energizer, this is what young people are

00:27:54

using now. I don’t understand anything,

00:27:57

young people are now using this. It’s that

00:28:01

now they started throwing swear words into a jar,

00:28:06

you didn’t understand, this is something that doesn’t let people

00:28:10

sleep for a week, people don’t let them sleep for a week,

00:28:17

you don’t I realized this is what you drink and cover you.

00:28:23

It’s not tea from Tomsk

00:28:26

on the plane that covered you.

00:28:30

Energetic drink which you drink and you can do

00:28:33

a bunch of things and not eat. So we are

00:28:36

pensioners and we live like that,

00:28:39

we don’t eat, we don’t redo it,

00:28:43

you’re stupid, I’m telling you this. You

00:28:46

drink it Energy drink and he

00:28:50

adds energy to himself then why

00:29:05

and income where are you all winter I thought you were

00:29:08

dead And you dig potatoes every winter

00:29:11

Why do you need such a field it’s not all

00:29:14

mine What’s yours Only a shovel

00:29:24

That’s why I need an Energetic to

00:29:27

plow the whole field in a minute That’s it not

00:29:30

a grenade Are

00:29:33

you just going to jam potatoes,

00:29:39

stupid blind people like you,

00:29:43

I'll drink and become a super grandma, super

00:29:47

Grandma you will become if you go to

00:29:49

the therapist on the day of the appointment, what is it

00:29:54

called? It's called the big

00:29:59

vigil,

00:30:00

that's for sure. Energetic,

00:30:03

here's the composition, you don't need everyone to know the composition of the

00:30:06

big vigil.

00:30:08

Here look

00:30:10

ligurators acidity

00:30:13

sodium citrates Taurine caffeine

00:30:18

cyanine pantothenic acid 6 and B12

00:30:22

shock absorbers dyes simple or

00:30:26

flavin So what on the chicken that we

00:30:29

buy for the promotion the same thing is written

00:30:38

[applause]

00:31:03

topic for pregnant and breastfeeding

00:31:07

You’re not breastfeeding Are

00:31:10

you really or something? Who can I

00:31:12

breastfeed? I don’t know my cats. They look

00:31:15

kind of fat,

00:31:17

where do they get their fat from? I’ll

00:31:20

read it now

00:31:22

0508 2008

00:31:25

it’s expired by 12 years,

00:31:29

how tender we are, it turns out there’s cheese in your

00:31:33

refrigerator that’s twice as old as

00:31:35

you,

00:31:52

open it,

00:31:58

where am I on the street? I live on the eighth, suddenly

00:32:01

we’ll start digging right here.

00:32:03

Let’s go straight to the field

00:32:07

nearby

00:32:09

[applause]

00:32:12

[music]

00:32:21

now let’s see what happens,

00:32:23

let’s go quickly Great

00:32:30

[music]

00:32:37

and I’m not even out of breath, I’m not

00:32:40

sweating at all, we even went to the train and

00:32:42

we’ll go home wherever Now let's drink the rest

00:32:44

and overtake the train

00:32:48

[music] [applause]

00:32:50

[music]

00:32:51

[applause]

00:32:54

[music] [

00:32:55

applause]

00:33:00

[music]

00:33:16

[applause] that

00:33:35

means

00:33:37

we register, we attach it like this and

00:33:43

send it

00:33:46

ready, I remember,

00:33:51

now let's do the same thing only with the

00:33:54

computer on

00:33:58

I still don’t know how to turn it on, but

00:34:02

my grandson showed you with the computer turned off,

00:34:12

of course he showed it with it turned off, his fingers

00:34:15

moved even slower than mine

00:34:17

twice, I don’t understand why you even have such a

00:34:23

place. Through what, through what everything

00:34:27

is done,

00:34:41

and now through this place Everything

00:34:43

they even came up with a name for it,

00:34:46

these are government service websites,

00:34:51

and yes, they came up with a name. And in my opinion,

00:34:55

everything is done through the same place,

00:35:03

and you and you, how to get through government services, you found out

00:35:06

this means I’m sleeping, this

00:35:10

angel comes to me

00:35:14

and says Baba Nyura, you don’t

00:35:17

do everything through us now And through government services,

00:35:21

and you say the same, these same rents are

00:35:24

paid through them, they tell us directly

00:35:28

Angel Merkel, I do

00:35:30

n’t know, I don’t ask, I don’t meet anyone in this in a dream, turn on the

00:35:39

computer, it’s

00:35:45

strange, it turns on

00:35:59

[applause]

00:36:00

the screen lights up, we hit the right key,

00:36:03

Great, here you go Well, now I need to log into this means

00:36:08

it’s on the Internet

00:36:11

I don’t know I’ll call my grandson Let’s call

00:36:16

Hello Vitenka how to log in

00:36:20

I’ll click on the icon for you dog

00:36:29

icon click on

00:36:42

it Misha Yes you’ll

00:36:46

become a potty then

00:36:49

they tell me how to

00:36:51

log in to the Internet Yes I’ll write it down Let's

00:36:55

disable the VPN and Firewall

00:36:58

Open the browser and enter the website address in the line

00:37:03

Yeah So you need to check that

00:37:06

the proxy is entered correctly, you'll

00:37:09

have to go in

00:37:20

and they have time Come on,

00:37:25

you know what, come on,

00:37:34

everyone, please Welcome to

00:37:37

the Internet

00:37:38

Come on, now this means you have to write,

00:37:41

let's,

00:37:47

but there

00:37:48

are no queues here

00:37:52

and how they are going to piss people off,

00:37:56

and for this purpose the mail is left and Social Security

00:37:59

So now you need to go to your personal

00:38:03

account, I went to the wrong office in the morning,

00:38:11

here you need to register in your personal account,

00:38:14

let’s

00:38:16

register you with that name

00:38:24

Yes, that’s not the name you’re signing with

00:38:26

When you already write anonymously

00:38:29

to me, yes Your name is this Nyura baba

00:38:33

year of birth this is 2015

00:38:38

Yes not Anabel And your A minus 100

00:38:44

let’s do this Enter the TIN

00:38:49

that they are testing us for

00:38:52

intelligence, we need to enter three letters,

00:39:13

something doesn’t come

00:39:22

no SMS ca

00:39:24

n’t be heard

00:39:27

maybe to the technical support of

00:39:29

the device Calling where it was made

00:39:34

won’t work Yugoslavia

00:39:39

I’m no longer here

00:39:41

Okay then I need to confirm my identity somehow

00:39:43

asks to confirm my identity

00:39:45

Come on, that means let’s get together

00:39:55

[music] [music]

00:40:31

[music]

00:40:45

so it’s a sniff

00:40:48

we’re wearing glasses everyone’s afraid of us

00:40:52

Come on, let's do it like the old scheme, let's

00:40:57

look, they've hacked the debt, they've reduced it, they

00:41:01

already

00:41:02

owe us,

00:41:23

grandma's old lady has ears on the top of her head, and

00:41:27

granny's has pullets on her chin.

00:41:31

Soon I'll come urgently, urgently

00:41:35

Myasnikova house 2

00:41:39

Yurochka

00:41:43

or something So you came and I called then I think it's

00:41:47

good for me it’s good when

00:41:50

you feel good, I always feel bad, we

00:41:54

always start swearing, quarreling

00:42:19

Ugh, you’ve got

00:42:20

me confused I don’t understand at all whether we’re arguing

00:42:23

or not now and you don’t understand You

00:42:25

made a false call, they’ll take you to the

00:42:27

police, they’ll take you away, and you know that in the police with the

00:42:30

grandmothers they make it there with them bribes they give the

00:42:36

old woman in an envelope and take it and put it on the

00:42:40

table To which general

00:42:43

and I always dreamed of being on the general’s table

00:42:48

but apparently it won’t work out this time there

00:42:51

must be a false call at a party the sick

00:42:54

old woman

00:42:59

is not needed

00:43:05

before you’ll get it he’s the one who lives with me

00:43:23

go Get out on the track Let's go there and drink

00:43:26

moonshine with this kamazist, I'd rather

00:43:29

drink kombucha. Well, drink your

00:43:30

kombucha. It doesn't matter to you whether you drink

00:43:32

kombucha or stories of dog hair,

00:43:35

but I shouldn't have gone into the jar and

00:43:38

put dog hair in the

00:43:40

jar that I use for you. and I did

00:43:42

n’t put the dog’s fur in

00:43:44

Tom, because of you, I was 3 years old.

00:43:50

I thought the hair on my tongue was starting to

00:43:52

grow

00:43:55

towards itself.

00:44:08

Come on,

00:44:10

fell, oh, rolled under the sofa, why do

00:44:20

you have so many bottles under the sofa? Do

00:44:22

n’t touch these, I

00:44:24

saved them for the funeral. Listen. It’s very

00:44:26

convenient That’s how you can see with your eyes in

00:44:29

hard-to-reach places

00:44:31

you have hard-to-reach places

00:44:40

Oh, you have Barsik there

00:44:44

guarding you

00:44:46

for the funeral, I’m saving it for myself I won’t drink that much

00:44:52

I’ll come to your funeral alone,

00:44:56

you’ll come to me alone, everyone will come and

00:44:57

no one where won’t come

00:45:00

to me The whole yard will come to you I’ll come I’m

00:45:03

telling you they’ll all come to me alone

00:45:05

We bet We bet we bet

00:45:09

how will I know

00:45:15

how will you tell me

00:45:22

You’ll live for another thousand years of your Khrushchev era

00:45:28

I’ve prepared a gift for you, it’s good

00:45:42

that I have a new jaw Thank you

00:45:46

please pleased Well, find what

00:45:50

Gifts prepared for Now this is the

00:45:53

caviar black

00:45:55

caviar I haven’t eaten wai thank you thank you Nyurochka

00:45:59

Oh thank you

00:46:02

hard crispy

00:46:04

this is for me these are grandchildren from Astrakhan because of the

00:46:08

sister and itches

00:46:12

and from a duck from which duck Well at which he

00:46:16

shot this caviar you from a gun

00:46:20

is that a shot or something at

00:46:23

all you gave me a shot what did you

00:46:26

think I was behind your jaw or caviar

00:46:28

you howling by mail or something black

00:46:30

I broke all my teeth because of you back

00:46:37

[music]

00:46:39

So grandmothers

00:46:41

confess Which one of you this time I called an

00:46:43

ambulance,

00:46:47

listen Yes, my wife and I rarely see what’s wrong with

00:46:50

you.

00:46:52

So you have problems in your family

00:46:57

or your apartment is big, there are a lot of rooms,

00:47:00

he can’t have a big apartment,

00:47:02

his salary is small, it’s bigger than

00:47:03

yours when grandmothers worked on the highway at

00:47:07

night

00:47:11

I have one Kremlin tablet for you,

00:47:16

we heard a

00:47:20

general from the Kremlin came to the exhibition

00:47:23

from his tanks.

00:47:26

From what place

00:47:29

did it fall right out of the barrel, in short, it cures

00:47:33

everything. I’ll leave it for you here,

00:47:36

decide for yourself who needs it most, don’t get sick,

00:47:39

please

00:47:42

[music]

00:47:48

[applause]

00:47:52

Well, come on, throw yourself at her, just make sure

00:47:57

that there are

00:48:01

no legs Tomochka Come on, swallow you need it,

00:48:04

oh Nyurochka No, come on, you better have

00:48:08

gout

00:48:09

with your warmed-up one more I’ll live for a hundred years

00:48:14

Tomochka, you need it more, you have an enema instead of a kidney

00:48:17

Ivan Come on,

00:48:19

you need it, you just recently needed

00:48:21

a place brain block was transplanted,

00:48:26

I can’t

00:48:29

even imagine that I’ll be in heaven

00:48:33

alone on a cloud without you,

00:48:42

we’ll take the wrong pill and

00:48:47

you ate it or something,

00:48:50

I wanted to say Let’s cut it in half and ate it from her

00:48:54

alone or something Tom And what are you saying, this is

00:48:57

the Kremlin the pill Don’t you know

00:49:00

it passes through the esophagus, it heals everything and comes out

00:49:03

intact and comes out

00:49:06

I’ll give it to you in two days Are you

00:49:09

really something or something Why won’t I grab it

00:49:13

after you Are you crazy or something Why did

00:49:18

you

00:49:20

eat drop or something Yes I ate duck with just a fraction

00:49:23

and that's it

00:49:24

Don't

00:49:27

get angry Well, what do you think, think about

00:49:30

how they were all cured with one pill

00:49:35

[applause] [

00:49:41

music]

00:49:45

[applause]

00:49:49

[music] [ applause] [music] [applause] [

00:49:52

music]

00:49:53

[applause]

00:49:56

[music]

00:50:03

Yura Yura

00:50:10

[music]

00:50:12

Why are you yelling and Guess what happened,

00:50:17

no

00:50:23

cans are finished,

00:50:38

you're still yelling You're stopping me from thinking

00:50:43

[music]

00:50:45

Maybe you're giving birth,

00:50:47

I'm giving birth when I see the rent bill, are

00:50:51

you blind or something, the refrigerator

00:50:54

crushed me oh

00:50:56

God, I thought you were mopping the floor

00:51:00

and what It’s been a long time since you were crushed two days ago,

00:51:09

I was reaching out, everything was under control,

00:51:15

open the refrigerator, move the food from the

00:51:17

bottom shelf to the top

00:51:19

in two weeks.

00:51:24

It’s unlikely that there will be enough

00:51:28

food for 3 months, you still

00:51:37

got there at random. I

00:51:40

moved the furniture around Feng Shui. The

00:51:43

refrigerator should be in the zone of

00:51:45

wealth.

00:51:47

Grandmothers have a refrigerator, this is a zone of

00:51:51

wealth, you

00:51:53

can’t move it, karma has overtaken you, that’s

00:51:59

right, and you’ll die here and come

00:52:12

on. Don’t try and rearrange

00:52:16

everything, rearrange everything, everything, come on, go home,

00:52:19

stop. What, show your hands to your mouth, open it, and stick

00:52:25

out your tongue? Turn around, take off your skirt.

00:52:32

What don’t you like? you bother me like that every time

00:52:36

I leave you, I have

00:52:39

n’t forced you to undress yet

00:52:41

and just because of some 60-kilogram bag of sugar

00:52:59

they won’t come Are

00:53:07

you really something?

00:53:11

it’s

00:53:14

all defrosted

00:53:18

noble fish

00:53:19

Yes, I know, I fashioned the food from bread

00:53:23

from memory, I’ll take the

00:53:26

food for you, it will be easier for you to

00:53:29

get out sooner If you take the food from me, pray that

00:53:32

I don’t get out

00:53:35

Okay, I’ll just take the chicken,

00:53:40

what is

00:53:43

anti-theft

00:53:44

from your best friend, you’re a greedy, you’re a

00:53:49

greedy Everybody go home No, I won’t go home,

00:53:52

I’ll try to pull you out. How will you

00:53:55

get me out? I’ll take this [ __ ] now,

00:53:57

where did you steal it

00:54:04

under the refrigerator? How can I

00:54:26

lift the refrigerator?

00:54:33

bamoy kicked out the

00:54:41

hairpin on the back of my head if you drink my head

00:54:45

I can tear up the linoleum He's almost

00:54:48

new He's only 17 years old I

00:54:52

won't go anywhere with you Go home it's not your life the

00:54:55

road go home

00:55:05

I'll set you on fire now

00:55:10

that's what it is

00:55:16

Here you get it Where did you get the gasoline

00:55:21

As I said, I went to set fire to him,

00:55:24

all the neighbors immediately carried the gasoline,

00:55:30

the fuel truck drove

00:55:35

me up because they respect me. That’s

00:55:50

why they don’t set fire, everything is clear

00:55:54

with you. Okay, so go

00:55:56

home, I won’t

00:56:00

leave you, go lie down, you’re dry, but it’s the gasoline that’s

00:56:03

evaporating. I’m telling you I won’t leave you I’ll

00:56:05

climb up to you Where

00:56:09

I come to you You and

00:56:14

I will eat your food together,

00:56:18

you’ll be saved faster

00:56:52

[applause]

00:56:53

[music] [applause] [music] [applause] [music] [applause

00:57:03

] [music]

00:57:06

[applause] [music ]

00:57:11

the average Russian grandmother

00:57:13

sits on two benches a month

00:57:17

[music]

00:57:32

Grandma Yuriev day

00:57:35

that the

00:57:37

trouble came from where they fled So what

00:57:41

happened Not all the cat's

00:58:05

sunflower seeds ran out I ca

00:58:12

n't either I have sore legs so

00:58:16

stretch them Legs then

00:58:21

they will stretch me oh Stretch yourself I

00:58:24

can’t stretch myself I don’t have the strength

00:58:27

you have a leg that’s like a

00:58:30

hard seed even crunches

00:58:33

stupid it’s a prosthesis you’ll bend it for me now my

00:58:36

legs will be crooked

00:58:39

What are you doing, go go let’s go Yes I

00:58:42

can’t I’m telling you I can’t I’m old

00:58:45

frail Grandma, you'll be younger than me

00:58:48

Look how smooth the skin is,

00:58:52

I just need to sand the stools, so it

00:58:56

seems like someone wiped all the stools

00:58:58

as you leave, I have a hole in every stool,

00:59:01

that's what you rubbed with your two

00:59:04

abrasive circles.

00:59:07

Go, let's go, I'm worried, my

00:59:11

blood pressure has jumped What you have

00:59:13

pressure

00:59:15

that I have balls Through the glasses the glasses have already come out there are

00:59:19

no glasses, only balls are sticking out like this

00:59:23

please I ask you

00:59:27

no I have run out of cats What does it have to do with cats

00:59:42

I have 8 cats on my chest died It’s

00:59:47

time for the dogs to cross

00:59:50

Go Petrovna otherwise I won’t tell you

00:59:53

how Stalin

00:59:55

it was buried recently, go, you go, and I

00:59:59

’ll tell you how Lenin was buried,

01:00:01

how you’ll tell me what didn’t happen

01:00:07

[applause]

01:00:12

lies in the Mausoleum, he put three cats on his chest,

01:00:15

it will become and go, you’re rushing,

01:00:18

what are you carrying, you even

01:00:22

put a hippopotamus on his chest, he won’t go

01:00:23

anywhere I

01:00:31

can’t I’m telling you I can’t I’m a

01:00:34

weak old old woman They do

01:00:37

n’t even bring you grandchildren anymore They don’t bring them to you

01:00:39

Because you put them on your chest

01:00:43

I now know how you outlived your five husbands, you

01:00:48

put them on your chest until

01:00:51

all five died I can’t hear you But I don’t need to

01:00:54

hear you, you don’t have to hear me go get some sunflower

01:00:56

seeds I left my hearing aid at home

01:01:01

and I don’t need to go across the road I’ll go across the

01:01:05

road there this truck will hit me

01:01:08

and I’m not dressed and not washed

01:01:11

So if it rains, when the water truck starts

01:01:21

going I’ll go I won’t go I can’t go anywhere I have

01:01:24

kidney stones I was surprised by my kidney stones

01:01:34

Tanyusha is proud

01:01:38

What kind of

01:01:42

grandmothers ran home for sunflower seeds

01:01:45

10 minutes between lectures I ca

01:01:48

n’t the

01:01:50

bow-legged creature I have

01:01:53

such insurance

01:01:58

I have 1 minute Let’s go see

01:02:01

which ones you should buy grandma You’re a smart girl Oh,

01:02:04

what a good fellow what a beauty, what a beauty

01:02:06

to any man I would envy these

01:02:09

such a wife he had, but his eyes

01:02:15

still set, I can’t Grandma has to

01:02:18

run All while the creature is bow-legged

01:02:23

Well, shrimp in a microscope can be

01:02:25

plastic,

01:02:38

I enlarged my appendicitis to the fifth size,

01:02:44

no one goes only after her very much

01:02:46

I want

01:03:00

to Wait, I need to find out that when you see

01:03:03

no, I don’t see anything there, everything that’s not

01:03:06

visible there. Let me pick it up. You

01:03:09

see, there’s

01:03:12

nothing like that, it’s

01:03:17

all a false alarm, the newspapers

01:03:19

brought it at

01:03:21

night. You’re better off at night than a pension. oh-oh-oh,

01:03:25

something’s in my heart. I'm sick

01:03:28

Oh, I'm jumping, my heart is pounding

01:03:31

Oh, the fool is trying. I, too, somehow feel bad, not bad, something bad, bad, something bad, I feel

01:03:35

bad, you rest, let's lie on my

01:03:37

chest

01:03:42

[applause]

01:03:49

and I think it will work out

01:04:13

[applause]

01:04:23

[music]

01:04:26

[applause]

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