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Video tags
Subtitles
Russian
00:00:02
you dialogue with you is the big key00:00:05
to self-love the problem is the mind is00:00:07
like a missile it wants to go there but00:00:11
it keeps going there if it doesn't00:00:12
really know what you want i want love00:00:14
but it would kill me to be rejected00:00:17
i want success but am i really going to00:00:20
give up all the things i love i think00:00:23
you've got to have a dream the school of00:00:24
greatness00:00:26
yeah please welcome00:00:28
we talked about this before on the show00:00:30
about the lies we tell ourselves and the00:00:32
stories we tell ourselves and a lot of00:00:35
us tell ourselves really bad lies00:00:37
and you said we need to start telling00:00:39
ourselves better lies i'm curious why do00:00:41
we need to do that and how can that help00:00:43
us start manifesting things in a00:00:46
different way in our lives well you know00:00:48
our greatest pain00:00:49
is from the lies we tell ourselves if00:00:52
you said to someone you're breaking up00:00:53
with i don't love you anymore you're00:00:55
boring or you're not sexy or i found00:00:58
someone else that's very hurtful but we00:01:00
can go they've got an agenda00:01:02
we can almost account my boss said i was00:01:05
terrible but he's having a bad day but00:01:08
the lies we tell ourselves the mind00:01:10
doesn't go you're having a bad day you00:01:12
have an agenda it believes they must be00:01:14
true00:01:16
and the simplicity is if you are00:01:17
prepared to lie to yourself00:01:20
which you clearly are when you've gone00:01:21
the size of a house00:01:23
if i look at a cake i gain a pound my00:01:26
kid is making me want to jump out of a00:01:28
window this freeway would be the death00:01:31
of me see none of those things are true00:01:33
i'm i could eat a horse we know that00:01:36
can't possibly be true but if you're00:01:38
prepared to lie to yourself00:01:41
why not tell yourself a better lie00:01:43
because your mind doesn't know and it00:01:45
really doesn't care what you tell it is00:01:47
good or bad true or false so a simple00:01:50
thing i got a memory like a sieve00:01:52
i have an excellent memory00:01:54
i'm falling apart00:01:56
i got great coping skills00:01:59
if i look at a cake i gain weight i have00:02:02
a phenomenal metabolic rate you see00:02:05
every thought you think you make real00:02:07
and if you doubt that think of this if00:02:09
you think of something embarrassing you00:02:11
will blush if you think of something sad00:02:13
your eyes will fill up with tears if you00:02:15
think of food your stomach rumbles think00:02:18
of something sexy you can get physically00:02:20
aroused whatever thought you are00:02:23
thinking your body is very busy making00:02:25
it real00:02:26
and if you tell yourself a better lie00:02:28
your body will work very hard to make00:02:31
that thought real00:02:33
yeah it's like i can imagine i'm having00:02:35
a a pumpkin pie right now right yeah i00:02:37
can imagine like the smell of pumpkin00:02:40
and the taste and i'll start to salivate00:02:42
my body will start to salivate00:02:44
thinking there's a pumpkin pie in front00:02:46
of me of course imagining chewing into00:02:48
the crust of the pumpkin pie the00:02:50
sweetness and i'll start to00:02:52
feel it in my body although there's00:02:55
there's a lie there's nothing in front00:02:56
of me right now00:02:58
just like there could be uh you know my00:03:00
girlfriend can walk in front of me but00:03:01
she's not in front of me and i can feel00:03:02
something i can imagine and think about00:03:04
it yeah that's why when you read letters00:03:06
you get tears in your eyes you look at00:03:08
pictures you go oh00:03:09
i'm remembering that so00:03:12
every thought you think causes both the00:03:14
physical reaction and an emotional00:03:17
response so if you think better thoughts00:03:20
you have to get better emotional00:03:21
reactions and better responses00:03:24
what about memories then what if we have00:03:26
memories that00:03:27
were real in our lives that was like00:03:30
okay i used to be overweight or someone00:03:32
did dump me and there was this pain00:03:34
there was this thing how do we tell00:03:36
ourselves a better lie or story around00:03:38
memories of the past so they don't keep00:03:41
hurting us today00:03:42
well you know that's a great question00:03:44
because00:03:46
an event will affect you you know what00:03:48
really affects you about an event the00:03:50
meaning you attach to it yeah so i could00:03:53
say i wasn't the favorite kid my sister00:03:56
was the favorite00:03:57
my brother was a smart kid my sister was00:03:59
a pretty kid and i felt like this thing00:04:01
in the middle this kind of00:04:03
thing right00:04:05
and i can go back and get it in the00:04:06
middle yeah so what does that mean it00:04:08
means what i've decided to make it mean00:04:10
i've decided i'm really glad because it00:04:12
gave me i'll show you you want to write00:04:15
me off but i'll show you00:04:17
so we can all look back at our passing i00:04:19
should have been a girl should have been00:04:20
a boy00:04:21
should have been00:04:23
academic my parents wanted that but you00:04:26
know don't make someone else's story00:04:29
your story my mother's story i should00:04:31
have been someone else's baby was always00:04:34
her story it traumatized her entire life00:04:37
but it wasn't my story00:04:39
it was her story and when people say my00:04:41
mother said oh00:04:43
you can't trust your own shadow00:04:45
don't trust men don't trust people00:04:49
it's very important to go well that's00:04:51
your story you wanted a boy and i was00:04:53
the third girl you wanted a girl i was00:04:56
the fourth boy00:04:58
but it's in saying but that's your story00:05:01
my story is i meant to be here i meant00:05:03
to be me i got something to offer the00:05:05
world even if i don't know what it is00:05:08
so00:05:09
the significance of an event is linked00:05:12
to what you make of it i was given up00:05:14
for adoption that means i wasn't loved00:05:16
but it could mean my parents loved me so00:05:19
much00:05:20
they sacrificed the joy of having me to00:05:22
let someone else raise me to give me a00:05:24
better life00:05:26
it's always00:05:28
the the meaning that you attach an event00:05:31
and the very good news is you know what00:05:33
you can change the meaning like that00:05:36
anytime you like00:05:38
so even if we've held on to a meaning00:05:40
for 20 30 years about something it's00:05:42
still possible to change it later in00:05:44
life yeah and when you go back and meet00:05:46
these people they go oh no i didn't mean00:05:48
that00:05:50
i always told you you were rubbish00:05:51
because i thought it would make you00:05:53
smarter i always told you you were00:05:55
stupid because i hoped it would make you00:05:57
intelligent00:05:58
i told you i didn't love you because i00:06:01
felt inadequate in the amount of fathers00:06:03
i mean i never see my kids because i'm00:06:06
useless00:06:07
i would just damage them wow i thought00:06:10
the best thing i could do was to remove00:06:12
myself from their life so their mom00:06:14
would find a better dad00:06:16
and they really have no concept of how00:06:18
that damages the child that they say the00:06:20
best thing i could do00:06:22
was be away from you i was a crazy00:06:24
alcoholic i didn't want to pass that on00:06:27
so i left you to benefit you00:06:30
but the child doesn't hear the child00:06:31
thinks you left me because i wasn't00:06:33
worth being with that's the problem the00:06:35
minute a child feels abandoned they00:06:38
never blame the abandoner my dad left00:06:40
because he's crazy00:06:42
because he's a drunk blame themselves00:06:44
a child never stops loving that they00:06:46
immediately00:06:48
stop loving themselves00:06:50
and that's why you could go okay so i've00:06:53
been telling myself a lie my dad left00:06:55
because he didn't love me00:06:57
my mom00:06:59
brought different boyfriends home every00:07:01
six months because i didn't make her00:07:03
happy00:07:04
and then you go back and go oh but00:07:05
that's not true my mother loved me very00:07:07
much but she couldn't cope00:07:10
she gave me to my grandmother because00:07:12
she thought i'd be better off00:07:14
so when you go back and revisit the lie00:07:16
and update it you realize00:07:19
oh00:07:20
so00:07:21
what's true is well i decide to be true00:07:24
some guy dumped me00:07:26
you know i i worked with somebody00:07:28
recently who said that her first00:07:30
experience of her first boyfriend was00:07:31
him saying to her you're rubbish in bed00:07:35
and the second boyfriend dumped her00:07:37
because00:07:38
he came from a different country and she00:07:40
could speak his language he couldn't00:07:41
speak hershey later told her i felt so00:07:43
stupid in front of you00:07:45
so i said you were not saying don't ever00:07:46
call me again00:07:48
and those two men traumatized her so00:07:50
much as she couldn't have a relationship00:07:52
with her husband who loved her00:07:54
but then she went back and said well the00:07:56
first guy was an idiot because by the00:07:58
way his job was to seduce me and he did00:08:00
a terrible job but the second one00:08:02
felt so inadequate around me00:08:05
you know i've worked with supermodels00:08:07
who say00:08:08
men put me down they're so intimidated00:08:10
by our looks they go we're not very00:08:12
bright you've got enormous feet00:08:14
you know you're not all that and they00:08:16
let it in wow00:08:18
and i worked with a famous model who00:08:20
said every man i'm with they start to00:08:22
diminish me00:08:23
because they're intimidated by me so00:08:25
they start to pick holes in me00:08:27
and i let them00:08:29
and it's so important to go back and00:08:31
look at the past00:08:33
and change it you can change it at any00:08:36
time why do we think we let other people00:08:40
and ourselves00:08:41
speak so negatively to us we allow other00:08:44
people's words to come in and then we00:08:47
reaffirm those words to ourselves00:08:49
internally why do you think we do that00:08:50
so often you know it very much depends00:08:52
on what happens in your childhood here's00:08:54
the thing about the mind and it's really00:08:56
vexing your mind is hardwired to go back00:08:59
to what it knows it always wants to00:09:01
return to what's familiar00:09:03
while resisting what is not from if you00:09:05
grew up in a house with a lot of praise00:09:07
and parents who say you know00:09:08
you're a great kid you've got something00:09:10
to offer the world you're going to find00:09:11
someone who adores you00:09:13
because you've got so much to offer you00:09:15
will expect that unfortunately that00:09:17
isn't the norm the norm is criticism00:09:20
and if criticism is familiar and do we00:09:22
reject00:09:23
praise we actually begin to criticize00:09:26
ourselves we pick up what we know you00:09:29
know if you brought up in a house with00:09:30
fast food00:09:32
and vegetables you'll go hey i need00:09:34
vegetables we the mind will always go00:09:37
back to what it recognizes because00:09:39
that's what once kept us alive00:09:41
what we know like if you have a00:09:43
two-year-old kid they go i don't want to00:09:44
either it's got lumps in it it's the00:09:46
wrong color i only like pink yogurt in a00:09:48
blue bowl but what they're really saying00:09:50
is i don't know that yoghurt with lumps00:09:53
in it00:09:54
and my brain wants what i know because00:09:56
it keeps us alive00:09:59
and that's a fact the mind likes what's00:10:01
familiar but here's another fact you can00:10:02
make anything you like familiar and one00:10:05
of the biggest things to change your00:10:06
life00:10:07
is to make praise familiar00:10:10
and it can be very simple phrase i'm a00:10:11
good person00:10:13
i've got a good heart i think good00:10:15
thoughts00:10:16
you know i find that one of the most00:10:18
powerful things to do in therapy and it00:10:20
teaches that a lot in the book is to00:10:22
think of the words you've always wanted00:10:23
to hear00:10:25
and to start saying them yourself so the00:10:28
words you've always wanted to hear from00:10:29
your parents yeah from anybody so you00:10:32
could say okay if i had a great partner00:10:34
what would they say to me00:10:36
if i had great parents what would they00:10:38
say if i had a great boss or amazing00:10:40
friends and it's not really rocket00:10:42
science what would a great parent say00:10:43
they'd go00:10:44
you're a great kid gosh how lucky am i00:10:47
to be your parent what a joy it is to00:10:49
raise you wow many parents don't what00:10:52
would a great friend say00:10:54
i love being your friend if there's a00:10:56
template for a great friend you would be00:10:57
it what would a great partner say you're00:11:00
the one i just love your voice i love00:11:02
everything about you're so smart00:11:05
what would a great boss say you are00:11:07
indispensable to this company so what we00:11:09
do is you go well i haven't got that00:11:11
so we either give it up no one's ever00:11:14
going to give me those words i'm going00:11:15
to accept i'll never hear them00:11:18
and we say things i never ask for00:11:19
anything me well what do you then get00:11:21
nothing but i never ask for anything so00:11:24
i don't expect that i'm in my apartment00:11:26
with my pets00:11:27
i don't ask for anything so we give the00:11:30
need up or we give it away i've got to00:11:32
find someone out there00:11:34
to tell me these things00:11:36
and that works until someone out they00:11:38
get sick00:11:39
or ill or has their own issues or they00:11:41
move on but when you decide hey00:11:44
i can do that i can think of what i most00:11:47
want to hear00:11:50
say it myself it may sound silly but00:11:52
it's no sillier than saying i'm an idiot00:11:54
i've got rocks for brains00:11:56
everything i touch falls apart that's00:11:58
also silly and deeply harmful so if you00:12:02
decide what you most want to hear and00:12:04
start to go i matter right00:12:07
i'm here for a reason00:12:10
i'm a good person i'm lovable i'm00:12:12
someone's fantasy dream country because00:12:14
you are00:12:16
someone someone in the world are looking00:12:17
oh my god you're my fantasy dream come00:12:20
true not everybody but someone right00:12:22
some them magna your problem00:12:24
that kid keeping you up all night the00:12:26
partner leaving their dirty pants before00:12:28
i love that problem00:12:31
so silly as it sounds so interesting you00:12:33
say that because my girlfriend00:12:35
um00:12:36
the more we date i'll i'll bring stuff00:12:38
up and i'll say00:12:40
we might have like a00:12:41
a sensitive conversation00:12:44
and i'll say i'm about to tell you00:12:46
something you're not going to like00:12:48
because i'm used to in the past yeah00:12:50
saying things that has this terrible00:12:52
reaction in relationships or someone00:12:54
can't handle the truth about who i am or00:12:57
things i do or whatever i s and i so i00:13:00
set it up with her i go i'm about to say00:13:02
something you're really not gonna like00:13:04
and uh yeah so i'm just letting you know00:13:07
you're not gonna like this but but i'm00:13:09
gonna be true and authentic to me and00:13:11
not walk on eggshells and not be afraid00:13:13
to communicate who i am00:13:15
and i'll say the thing and she goes00:13:18
that's it she goes i thought it was00:13:20
gonna be something horrible but i love00:13:21
that thing about you isn't that nice00:13:23
it's so you're like really like00:13:25
so there's always someone who likes that00:13:27
thing about you yeah there's someone who00:13:29
loves your little00:13:31
fatty tummy who loves your triple thigh00:13:33
i remember one of my friends saying i00:13:35
saw my wife and he said her thighs are00:13:37
rubbing together it's the sexiest thing00:13:39
i've ever seen he said in my life he00:13:41
said i was walking behind her in a store00:13:43
and i had to get no because he said that00:13:44
was just00:13:46
so sexy you think really i thought we00:13:47
wanted a thigh gap but00:13:50
we're all different yeah and it but it00:13:52
really helps to think that you've got00:13:54
something to offer somebody00:13:56
but the minute you start to say i matter00:13:59
i'm a good person i'm smart00:14:02
i can contribute something amazing to my00:14:04
company if you keep saying it you see00:14:08
when you give it up you you accept it's00:14:10
never going to happen and that's such a00:14:12
shame because it could but when you give00:14:14
it away you've given someone else the00:14:16
job of meeting your needs when you say00:14:18
hey what do i need i need to feel loved00:14:21
so silly as it sounds going well i am00:14:23
lovable00:14:24
someone's going to love me00:14:26
i've got all the qualities that somebody00:14:28
will find deeply lovable00:14:31
when you say it it makes such an impact00:14:34
on your sense of self00:14:36
that people do pick that up you know we00:14:38
all know that annoying thing you can't00:14:40
find a day00:14:42
and then suddenly you find someone and00:14:43
then you get hit on you think wow well00:14:45
how did that happen because you're now00:14:47
resonating the feet when someone says i00:14:49
rang just to hear your voice00:14:52
i just i just look at your picture i00:14:54
call your phone just to listen to your00:14:56
message think oh someone loves me i must00:14:59
be lovable00:15:00
but if you can put that into yourself00:15:03
it lasts forever00:15:05
how do we put that in ourselves when00:15:06
we've never been familiar with those00:15:09
thoughts and those00:15:10
that routine of loving ourselves one of00:15:13
the things i put in the book which was00:15:14
so important was something called00:15:16
installing your own cheerleading you see00:15:18
a cheerleader only knows how to00:15:21
bang symbols even when you're losing00:15:24
when a team loses their cheerleaders and00:15:25
go oh you were rubbish oh my god you00:15:28
stank up with people they say hey you00:15:30
tried really hard and you were amazing00:15:32
and you'll win next time you know we00:15:35
just did something in england where we00:15:37
put this into schools we had 500 schools00:15:39
sign up00:15:40
and each class actually created the00:15:43
cheerleader they said we actually made00:15:45
little toys of the cheerleader they00:15:47
designed and we were showing them how to00:15:50
go from i can't drive can in just five00:15:52
days by having a cheerleader that says00:15:54
you've got this your name is all over00:15:57
this no one can do this better than you00:16:00
and so what the cheerleader is your00:16:02
voice saying you can do this and you00:16:04
know what it doesn't matter00:16:06
if you win it matters that you loved00:16:08
competing you did great you did amazing00:16:12
and the cheerleader will cheer you on00:16:14
academically00:16:15
but it chew it cheerleads who you are00:16:19
and we have a critical voice going oh00:16:21
you that's good you're going to mess00:16:22
that up that's never going to work why00:16:25
would you even think that could happen00:16:28
no one from our families ever had their00:16:30
own business you haven't got anything to00:16:32
offer here00:16:34
and the cheerleader flips on its head00:16:36
and says you can do it you can do it and00:16:39
we've had such a great response from00:16:41
those 500 schools who said that bullying00:16:44
stopped children are getting better but00:16:47
they're getting better with each other00:16:49
too and so00:16:50
we should all have a cheerleader so it's00:16:52
very important i put the download in00:16:54
that book where all you have to do is00:16:56
download it and play it00:16:58
and it makes you feel good because you00:17:00
know when you're a kid at school and00:17:03
you're running a race and someone is00:17:04
cheering you on going you can do it00:17:06
you've got this it may be your friend it00:17:09
may be a parent00:17:10
when you're going for a job and your00:17:11
friends go hey i know you can do this00:17:14
but when you can say it you don't think00:17:16
who can i call now to00:17:19
be my cheerleader00:17:21
being your own cheerleader is amazing00:17:22
because if you look at people who make00:17:24
it00:17:25
someone like tony robbins they00:17:26
definitely have a children going hey you00:17:27
can do this00:17:29
going for a big interview go well you00:17:31
can do it thinking a big thought they go00:17:33
well why not of course i can do it00:17:36
there's going to be a lot of people that00:17:37
are going to criticize you externally a00:17:39
lot of people aren't going to be your00:17:40
cheerleader hopefully some will and00:17:42
hopefully at different times of life00:17:44
people will be cheering you on but there00:17:45
will be definitely seasons00:17:47
where people will criticize and try to00:17:49
pull you down in negative ways whether00:17:51
it's negative reviews online or to your face00:17:54
or if you're an athlete you go into the00:17:56
opposing arena they're all booing you00:17:58
you've got to have some type of00:18:00
cheerleader in your mind yeah in order00:18:02
to take that on00:18:04
yeah because the most important word you00:18:06
will ever hear in your entire life are00:18:08
the words you say to yourself and when00:18:10
you have a cheerleader you understand00:18:12
the truth there is nothing that will00:18:14
change your life more than letting in00:18:16
praise but not letting in destructive00:18:20
criticism constructive criticism is okay00:18:22
hey i just want to tell you always late00:18:24
and if any could be here on time it00:18:25
would make our life so much better you00:18:28
could say to your partner look i love00:18:29
you dearly but every time i come00:18:31
downstairs and there's like00:18:33
coffee all over the counter and00:18:35
could you just rinse out the sink00:18:38
that's okay00:18:39
but if you can get into the habit of00:18:42
letting in your own praise and other00:18:45
peoples while deflecting criticism it's00:18:48
such a game changer in my years of being00:18:51
a therapist i've seen over and over and00:18:53
i just get people to let in praise00:18:55
and not let in criticism it changes00:18:58
their entire life why is it challenging00:19:00
for people to let in praise and to00:19:02
receive it especially in today i feel00:19:04
like when someone acknowledges someone else00:19:06
they kind of deflect it they say well00:19:08
you know they mentioned it yeah00:19:12
i wasn't that good yeah why is it so00:19:14
challenging for us to receive00:19:16
acknowledgement and praise and do it in00:19:19
a humble way and now00:19:21
i know i'm the best and look the best00:19:23
and the prettiest and you know in the00:19:24
world type of way you know it isn't00:19:26
normal if you say to a little kid you00:19:28
look so cute they smile and they they00:19:31
and if you say to a little child wow00:19:33
you're a smart kid they don't go no i'm00:19:35
actually really stupid you should see00:19:37
the other kids in my class that way00:19:38
better than me they let it in we teach00:19:41
people that it's not okay don't get00:19:44
ahead of yourself don't be big-headed00:19:46
don't show off who do you think you are00:19:48
people won't like you00:19:50
if you're better than them don't ever00:19:52
tell anyone what you've got00:19:55
and so we learn oh it's not okay and if00:19:58
we get criticized a lot it becomes so00:20:01
familiar that we actually let that in00:20:03
and the praise is so unfamiliar that we00:20:05
reject it so we find ourselves saying oh00:20:08
it wasn't i wasn't really any good i00:20:10
just was winging it it's like even in00:20:13
that spanish expression nanada00:20:16
don't00:20:17
mention i go no you should really00:20:18
mention it when you do a great job and00:20:20
people say well done00:20:22
you should go thank you so much00:20:24
i'm so glad you loved my book i loved00:20:26
writing i wrote it for someone like you00:20:28
don't go oh it's terrible didn't you00:20:30
notice all the spelling mistakes and00:20:33
it's not formatted very well it's like00:20:35
if someone gave you a gift and you go i00:20:37
hate that gift you know if i gave you00:20:39
that cup as you give to god i hate it00:20:40
it's a horrible color i don't like the00:20:42
writing00:20:43
so see praise as a gift that you00:20:45
wouldn't go i hate this gift why did you00:20:48
think i'd even like it00:20:50
and just learn to say thank you00:20:53
i've had so many clients just getting00:20:55
them to accept praise and saying look00:20:59
you can make it familiar in fact i was00:21:00
teaching a course in london and this00:21:02
girl came up and00:21:04
she was very sad and so we did a session00:21:06
and00:21:07
it was really interesting what had00:21:09
happened to her and at the end i said00:21:10
you know i'm going to get the whole00:21:11
audience to come up and give you a huge00:21:13
oh no00:21:14
no that's very hard i said you know it's00:21:16
not hard it's unfamiliar but00:21:19
you can make it familiar halfway through00:21:21
marissa the cameraman's not in the line00:21:24
i should get in line he was very good00:21:26
looking i said you see how quickly you00:21:28
made that familiar being praised being00:21:31
held believing you are worthy of love00:21:34
you have a choice you know you always00:21:36
have a choice rationalize why you can't00:21:38
have it or talk yourself into having it00:21:41
and always make the second choice i can00:21:43
make00:21:44
this really when i dated my husband i00:21:46
may had a choice i'm going to make00:21:48
a different kind of person familiar00:21:51
because i knew he was such a good person00:21:53
and a kind person and a funny person and00:21:55
what were you familiar with before that00:21:57
well you know i was very i was a head00:22:00
teacher's daughter you might call it a00:22:01
principal's daughter00:22:03
so my dad was very interested in other00:22:05
people's children he was paid to be00:22:07
interested in other people's children he00:22:08
would give them all his time he was at a00:22:11
hanky ready he was he was a really good00:22:14
guy but he wasn't really interested in00:22:16
us because00:22:17
it was much harder work with us00:22:19
and so my thing was you've got to work00:22:22
really hard to get someone's attention00:22:25
and that's very common with people i've00:22:28
got to earn love00:22:30
chase love00:22:31
work so hard for love00:22:34
and that's not true love isn't to be00:22:36
earned or chased or run after or paid00:22:38
for it's just there so i had to give up00:22:41
that belief that i got a00:22:43
love so of course i liked men who made00:22:45
me work they always had00:22:47
jobs or00:22:49
existing families and some terrible00:22:51
breakup and traumatized children00:22:54
and because of that i couldn't possibly00:22:55
at the top of the list you can't expect00:22:58
a father with three little babies to put00:23:00
you first00:23:02
but then i realized oh this i'm just00:23:04
making and then actually when i was00:23:06
dating someone who said to me00:23:08
i won't allow you to eat that i'm like00:23:10
when did you become a head teacher and00:23:12
that was a penny dropped wow my dad is a00:23:15
teacher who am i with this person well i00:23:17
can't eat00:23:18
and and i stopped dating him overnight00:23:20
it was very confusing for him but not00:23:22
for me because i thought oh00:23:24
i'm dating my dad and of course i could00:23:27
never have sex in the game when i had00:23:29
that realization because it's like wow00:23:30
that's not that's not very healthy but i00:23:33
was so glad he did that told me what i00:23:36
couldn't eat and he wasn't he wasn't00:23:37
trying to control he's we're going out00:23:39
for dinner he said you don't need to eat00:23:41
that we're going out in two hours to00:23:43
this big he was a big foodie00:23:45
i won't allow it and that was for me the00:23:48
penny drop oh i won't allow dating00:23:51
people like my dad and trying to make00:23:54
them00:23:55
give me all their attention and life is00:23:57
way too short to find someone like your00:23:59
parent and change the ending00:24:02
you've got to find the person who00:24:03
changed the beginning so i realized what00:24:05
i was doing is recreating what i knew00:24:08
someone absent00:24:09
very preoccupied with their career and i00:24:12
was trying to change the ending when i00:24:14
got that realization i thought well i00:24:16
just changed the beginning00:24:18
i find someone warm00:24:20
and available who'll put me first it00:24:22
doesn't happen like that00:24:24
you have to pay attention to the old00:24:27
habit of going back to what you know00:24:30
so i could say00:24:31
if i was00:24:33
a woman who had a cold absent critical00:24:36
father00:24:37
i'm in a bar me a cold out in the room00:24:39
and i think oh just clicked like that i00:24:41
felt like i'd known them my whole life00:24:42
it's because their behavior is so00:24:44
familiar00:24:45
you want to run towards it when really00:24:47
you need to run away from it and go cold00:24:49
abs and critical00:24:51
how about warm kind friendly00:24:54
loving putting you first decide00:24:58
and it's a choice i'm going to make that00:25:01
familiar a good guy a kind guy someone00:25:05
who will put me first and once you make00:25:07
the decision00:25:08
and you remind yourself of it00:25:11
it becomes familiar because while our00:25:12
mind likes what is familiar that is a00:25:15
fact00:25:16
we can choose what to make familiar00:25:19
and indeed choose to go well no so when00:25:21
people say he was too good for me what00:25:23
they're really saying is00:25:24
his behavior was so unfamiliar i didn't00:25:28
recognize it i ran back to what i knew00:25:31
but you have to run away from what you00:25:33
know it's also like saying well this is00:25:35
comfortable why don't i make it00:25:37
uncomfortable and i make what's00:25:39
uncomfortable comfortable sitting with00:25:41
it until it's familiar that's familiar00:25:44
i want to get to that um more a little00:25:46
later about the relationship stuff00:25:48
because i have a lot to share on that00:25:49
things i've learned this year but i'm00:25:51
curious on the uh00:25:53
the thoughts and the lies and00:25:56
manifesting00:25:57
i'm curious if you think00:25:59
we're able to manifest anything we want00:26:01
a good relationship the career or new00:26:03
business or00:26:05
financial abundance if we are stuck in a00:26:07
negative thought routine is it possible00:26:10
to manifest00:26:12
and accomplish what we want in a00:26:13
negative thought routine00:26:15
no i you can't manifest when you are00:26:18
negative i want money but when you have00:26:20
money you never know who your friends i00:26:22
want to be really sexy but i don't want00:26:24
all the unwanted attention i want a00:26:26
great job but i'll never see my kids00:26:28
i'll be a terrible parent the mind is00:26:31
going to get into one lane here's one00:26:33
lane that says i want to be a great00:26:37
parent but another is i want to have a00:26:39
great career and i can't go into both00:26:42
lanes well but after you can put that00:26:44
lane on i could have a great career and00:26:46
be a grape and it takes work it takes00:26:49
balance but it's very very possible the00:26:52
problem is the mind is like a missile it00:26:55
wants to go there but it keeps going00:26:58
there if it doesn't really know what you00:26:59
want i want love but it would kill me to00:27:02
be rejected00:27:03
i want success but am i really going to00:27:07
give up all the things i love to be00:27:09
successful00:27:11
so you've got to really identify what00:27:13
you want to manifest anything you have00:27:15
to want it00:27:16
and i think people have got very00:27:18
confusing i'll sit on sit on the chair00:27:20
and manifest a great guy well unless00:27:22
that's the amazon delivery guy that's00:27:25
just not going to work right i want a00:27:27
great body but i'm not going to do00:27:30
anything00:27:31
so to be a manifest you have to do three00:27:33
things and you have to do all three the00:27:35
first is the easy one or maybe not easy00:27:38
you have to decide you are worth it i'm00:27:41
worthy of love00:27:42
i'm worthy of a phenomenal relationship00:27:45
i'm worthy of success00:27:47
even i'm worthy of wealth or health i'm00:27:50
worth it and that probably is at least00:27:53
80 percent of manifesting and many00:27:55
people manifest with a thought not00:27:57
really worthy really i'm going to be i'm00:28:00
going to find love but they're going to00:28:01
leave me i'm going to find wealth but i00:28:04
don't know how i'm going to keep it00:28:05
i'm going to have a great job but00:28:08
it's going to kill me working those00:28:10
hours so your first thought must be i'm00:28:12
worth it00:28:14
but then there's a second part which is00:28:16
what does it look like and maybe i'm00:28:18
going to be a millionaire for what i00:28:20
don't know00:28:21
if i'm going to be i want a great person00:28:22
what are they like i don't know they got00:28:24
a nice six-pack and drive a nice car00:28:27
so the second part is you must really00:28:29
know what does it look like if you don't00:28:32
know what it looks like how are you00:28:33
going to go after it the mind00:28:36
will go after something it is clear00:28:38
about so you might say00:28:40
i want a really flat stomach what does00:28:42
that look like well it looks like not00:28:44
eating so many carbs not eating late at00:28:46
night going to the gym00:28:48
if you know what it looks like00:28:51
and you believe00:28:53
your worth that you'll have it but then00:28:54
the third part is after you've decided00:28:57
you're worth it00:28:58
and you know what it looks like what are00:28:59
you going to do00:29:01
because if you really want a six-pack00:29:03
you might have to do 300 sit-ups a day00:29:05
and if you're not prepared to do that00:29:07
you don't want it enough so i could say00:29:10
i wanted to write a book did i feel i00:29:12
was worth it yeah i had to work on00:29:14
myself okay you know i got a message and00:29:17
i think i can people tell me i really00:29:19
help them00:29:20
they tell me i change their lives so i'm00:29:22
worth putting that in a book what does00:29:24
it look like well it looks like gonna00:29:27
have to what is this book what's it00:29:29
going to be about what's the story like00:29:31
what am i going to call it who is my00:29:33
audience am i going to write what i want00:29:34
to write or people want to hear so i had00:29:37
to know00:29:39
who is my market and then here's the00:29:40
third part00:29:42
i've got to sit down and write that book00:29:43
and it takes a long time to write a book00:29:46
and when you've written it it takes even00:29:48
longer as you know00:29:50
to do all the press all the00:29:52
pieces for magazines so00:29:55
you can't have one of the two or two of00:29:57
the two and let's say i want love i've00:30:00
got to believe i'm really worthy of love00:30:02
i've got to really nail and i am worthy00:30:04
of love i deserve to love someone who00:30:07
loves me back00:30:09
what does that look like i i better get00:30:11
a clear idea of the kind of person i00:30:14
want in my life00:30:16
and then when i look at where am i going00:30:17
to find it i'm not going to find it00:30:19
watching netflix a lot of people say00:30:20
yeah i go to yoga but there's no men in00:30:23
yoga00:30:24
i go to women's reading groups where's00:30:26
the guy you know you have to go to the00:30:28
weight room right and the same thing00:30:30
with guys you know you're not going to00:30:32
find someone in a bar00:30:34
but you might find them dog walking you00:30:36
might find them in an i.t class so00:30:39
you have to be very clear about i'm00:30:41
worth it i know what it looks like and00:30:43
what am i going to do to get it00:30:46
because i think so many people think00:30:48
manifesting is thinking about what you00:30:50
want and sitting on the couch and it's00:30:52
going to turn up but you have to get out00:30:54
of the house00:30:56
if you believe you are lovable00:30:58
and know the kind of person you want and00:31:00
put yourself in front of them you'll00:31:01
probably go home with them for good but00:31:04
you can't just do one of the two00:31:07
two of the two you've got to do all00:31:08
three yeah and one of the things i love00:31:10
to do with the action steps it can seem00:31:12
like if you're trying to lose 50 or 10000:31:14
pounds it can seem like man i have to00:31:16
work this hard for a year in order to00:31:19
accomplish this and you just did a hard00:31:21
workout for the first week and you're00:31:22
exhausted yeah i don't know how i'm00:31:24
gonna be able to do this sure i think if00:31:26
you just really think i just have to do00:31:28
this one day yeah i just gotta show up00:31:29
today and i'm gonna do this seven days00:31:31
in a row and celebrate the week yeah00:31:34
do another week and over time that's00:31:36
going to really start00:31:37
paying off what do you think about i00:31:39
love the idea of00:31:41
deciding you're worth it and having00:31:42
what's worth having what you want and00:31:44
that you're worthy of what you want00:31:47
if you haven't learned to heal whatever00:31:49
is00:31:50
a past trauma in your life00:31:52
are you going to be able to fully00:31:54
manifest without healing as well or is00:31:56
deciding you're worth it00:31:57
start the healing process see if you00:32:00
think you're not worth it you'll get rid00:32:02
of it i mean i i've worked you probably00:32:04
know that 700 lottery 70 of lottery00:32:07
winners are bankrupt in three years why00:32:10
because they don't feel they're worth it00:32:11
they didn't work for it they didn't have00:32:13
i'm worth this money00:32:15
what does it look like to have all this00:32:17
money what could i do with it that's so00:32:19
good they just think wow i got all this00:32:21
money and what's familiar if you just00:32:24
have a job that doesn't pay a lot is00:32:26
spending the money until it runs out and00:32:28
then next week you get more00:32:30
and so if you don't feel you're worth it00:32:33
self-sabotage procrastination00:32:37
and nothing more than a fear00:32:40
of not being enough and so you stop00:32:42
yourself getting there so if you00:32:44
believe you're not worth it and you find00:32:46
love you find money you find wealth00:32:49
you'll get rid of it and we see that00:32:51
with amy winehouse with whitney houston00:32:54
we see it over and over again we saw it00:32:57
with george michael i always think of00:32:59
him every christmas because he had so00:33:02
much except the belief i'm worth it00:33:06
and so if you don't do step one first00:33:08
which is just decide every day i'm worth00:33:11
love00:33:12
i deserve love i'm worthy of because00:33:14
after all how could you not be worthy of00:33:16
love everyone is worthy of love00:33:19
so00:33:20
if you don't do that then you just do00:33:22
the other two what does it look like00:33:23
i'll go and get it it's never going to00:33:25
feel enough but you'll get rid of it00:33:27
and we see people all the time who say i00:33:29
know what's wrong with me00:33:31
i remember sandra bullock's husband00:33:33
saying00:33:34
what did i do i had this beautiful girl00:33:36
and i messed it up well of course you00:33:38
messed it up because you never felt you00:33:40
were worthy of it00:33:42
in the first place00:33:43
so00:33:44
everything else you're going to do to00:33:46
get what you want if you don't do the00:33:48
first step first wiring that you're00:33:50
worthy you spend a lot of time getting00:33:53
rid of it ruining it destroying it00:33:55
acting out sabotaging yourself are we00:33:59
able to believe we're worthy if we00:34:01
haven't started to heal though is it you00:34:03
know can we just say okay i'm worthy00:34:05
even though00:34:06
my parents abandoned me and i've you00:34:08
know lost every relationship i've been00:34:10
in you know how do we00:34:12
bridge the gap from starting to tell00:34:13
ourselves a better lie knowing we're00:34:15
worthy and healing you know that's such00:34:17
a great question because you ha and00:34:20
often in the book i invite you to go00:34:21
back to imagine any little baby that's00:34:23
just been born they never go don't look00:34:25
at me00:34:26
i've got milk spots i've got these00:34:28
triple thighs i've got a huge tummy00:34:31
i haven't got any clothes on you know00:34:32
when i had a baby and i'd take her out00:34:34
in the store we would come and look at00:34:35
her and she'd smile her big gummy smile00:34:39
and kick her little legs with her triple00:34:40
knees and it never occurred to her that00:34:42
she wasn't the most gorgeous thing in00:34:43
the world you know when you go i00:34:45
remember that picture of you with your00:34:46
cat you just got it it was on your chest00:34:48
going oh louis you just want to love me00:34:51
yeah because i'm lovable so the good00:34:53
news is every person is born believing00:34:55
they're lovable00:34:57
we know we're lovable as a child because00:34:59
we demand attention we demand feeding00:35:02
you know you can take in a random pet00:35:04
but it will come up and wrap its legs00:35:06
around you when he wants to be fed it00:35:08
doesn't run behind the fridge and never00:35:10
comes out because it believes it's00:35:11
worthy so the good news is you are born00:35:14
certain that you are lovable00:35:17
convinced you're lovable00:35:19
and then it gets chipped away and then00:35:22
you begin to buy i'm not worthy i don't00:35:25
have a great education00:35:27
i don't have a six-pack i'm not a ten00:35:30
i come from a fair i never had a dad my00:35:33
mom was always drinking and now you're00:35:36
justifying why you're not lovable but00:35:38
the thing is you need to go right back00:35:40
to the beginning you were born certain00:35:42
that you were lovable so you have to00:35:44
reactivate what's in you00:35:46
that's become buried but you do have to00:35:48
heal it and i think we think00:35:51
oh healing is so long what does that00:35:54
involve i've got to play this meditation00:35:56
tape every day and spend hours massaging00:36:00
my own body or looking in the mirror and00:36:02
actually00:36:03
healing is actually making a decision00:36:06
to think better thoughts you know no00:36:08
matter where you are in your life00:36:11
thought comes first your thoughts00:36:14
create your feelings which create your00:36:16
actions which create your behaviors and00:36:19
even your belief is nothing more than a00:36:20
thought you think a lot00:36:23
and i think we think it's oh god00:36:26
thoughts thoughts always come first your00:36:29
thoughts create your feelings00:36:32
your feelings create your behaviors and00:36:34
your actions which you justify by going00:36:36
it's like a loop00:36:38
i think i'm not worthy of love and that00:36:40
makes me feel very sad and defeated and00:36:43
probably angry and resentful and if i00:36:46
think that thought and feel that feeling00:36:48
now00:36:49
i act out i'm difficult or maybe i'm00:36:51
very needy or very pleasing but i00:36:53
justify it because i've gone back to the00:36:55
thought i'm not lovable00:36:56
but if i change the thought i'm lovable00:37:00
of course i'm lovable even if i don't00:37:01
believe it if i keep thinking the00:37:03
thought00:37:04
well i feel very different i feel00:37:06
optimistic00:37:07
i feel reassured feel quite confident i00:37:10
feel certain someone's going to love me00:37:12
and now i behave differently i take00:37:14
risks i talk i look people in the eye i00:37:16
speak to them00:37:17
my actions are different and i justify00:37:20
them by going back to the thought i'm00:37:22
lovable00:37:23
so we're so busy changing the behaviors00:37:26
and the actions and the feelings when00:37:29
all you have to change is the thought00:37:32
you know it's hard to heal00:37:34
what you don't understand00:37:36
but healing is just saying i came from a00:37:39
crazy family00:37:41
i came from a place with no money i00:37:43
didn't get a great college degree00:37:45
however00:37:47
i am worthy of everything i want i can00:37:49
have everything i want with bowels on so00:37:52
if you just change the thought which00:37:54
always comes first everything else will00:37:57
take care of itself00:37:59
and you know you you own your thoughts00:38:01
you have every right to change and we00:38:03
think a thought00:38:05
and then we start to make that then we00:38:07
have this confirmation bias if i think00:38:11
dogs are horrible yappy creatures that00:38:13
attack you00:38:14
if i think that thought i feel anxious00:38:17
around dogs and you can believe the dog00:38:18
is going to pick up my anxiety and it's00:38:20
going to be yeah yeah00:38:22
and he doesn't like me and i'm now now00:38:24
i've got confirmation what you see00:38:27
i told you dogs a yappy snappy bitey00:38:30
things look what just happened babies00:38:32
don't like if i hold them they go rigid00:38:35
i always get dumped everything goes00:38:38
wrong i can never keep a job for more00:38:40
than six months when you think that00:38:42
thought00:38:43
and you believe that thought you begin00:38:45
to look for a confirmation bias of how00:38:48
that thought is real00:38:50
the confirmation bars can be very good i00:38:53
think i'm lovable00:38:55
yeah and now i'm going to look for yeah00:38:56
well my grandmother loved me my first00:38:59
boyfriend said i was amazing00:39:01
my teacher said something good so00:39:04
you have to make confirmation buzzwork00:39:06
think about a thought00:39:08
start looking for examples of how it's00:39:11
true because whatever you look for you00:39:13
will find whatever you look for00:39:16
you you get you move towards what you00:39:18
already believe you get more of what you00:39:20
already believe00:39:22
so you gotta think a thought00:39:24
and then start looking for proof and00:39:26
even if you can find hardly any it00:39:28
doesn't matter still do it and then it00:39:30
becomes true00:39:31
what about people that say well how do i00:39:33
know my thoughts come from me how do i00:39:35
know they're not coming from somewhere00:39:37
else00:39:38
but it doesn't matter where they come00:39:39
from it's that's not important what's00:39:42
important is let's change them so if you00:39:44
if your thoughts were coming at you or00:39:45
coming from you and they were negative00:39:48
it doesn't matter where they come from00:39:49
it only matters do you think i'm not00:39:51
going to think this thought00:39:53
you know you can choose to be negative00:39:55
or positive but you can't choose what it00:39:57
does to your body00:39:59
when you think negative thoughts what00:40:01
does it do to your body when you think00:40:03
negatively well when it creates a lot of00:40:04
cortisol which creates inflammation00:40:07
which is a precursor to many diseases it00:40:09
makes you anxious00:40:11
it makes you suffer with things like00:40:13
insomnia it affects your digestion00:40:16
effects can even affect your metabolism00:40:19
it affects your ability to have joy and00:40:22
happiness on the planet so00:40:24
your thoughts are yours to change and00:40:27
yes you can pick up other people's00:40:29
thoughts you know i i've often gone back00:40:31
to london got in a cab they go oh this00:40:34
country is a write-off look at the00:40:36
weather i just i'm sorry i've got to00:40:38
make take a call and i just shut the00:40:39
intercom because i think i don't want to00:40:41
let that in00:40:43
i can't let in negative thoughts i mean00:40:46
they're around me00:40:48
and sometimes i'll be in a position00:40:50
where i'm hearing really negan i i can't00:40:52
hear that i can't let that in it's it's00:40:55
fascinating because my dad used to you00:40:57
know one of our our first episode we00:40:58
ever did i think the title was your00:41:00
thoughts will heal you or kill you yeah00:41:02
and it was one of our most popular00:41:03
episodes i recommend people go listen to00:41:05
it or watch it00:41:07
and i think i might have told you then00:41:09
that my dad would always turn the00:41:11
commercials off when there would be some00:41:13
type of drug campaign or00:41:15
sickness if you're feeling sick yeah you00:41:17
need to buy this00:41:18
you know he would always mute or turn00:41:20
the channel00:41:21
constantly turning the channel because00:41:23
he was like i don't want your mind to be00:41:24
yeah i don't need to hear this these00:41:26
negative thoughts and it's something00:41:29
i've practiced most of my life i mean00:41:31
i'm not perfect but i don't watch the00:41:34
news still today yeah like even the00:41:35
beginning00:41:36
the beginning of the pandemic i remember00:41:38
watching it for like a month because00:41:40
just like everything was happening and i00:41:41
just said why am i consuming this00:41:44
i can get information and be educated on00:41:48
what's actually happening in the world00:41:49
and be aware and be cautious of what i00:41:52
need to be cautious of00:41:53
but the constant rumination of these00:41:56
negative thoughts are not supporting my00:41:58
mind they're not supporting my body and00:42:00
they're not supporting my actions00:42:02
if i'm going to be living in a fear00:42:05
fear-based state of mind and behavior so00:42:08
i said okay i want to be educated and00:42:09
informed so00:42:11
i'll get the updated information but i'm00:42:13
not going to get it in this hysterical00:42:15
storytelling you know00:42:18
mass media of the worst of the worst i'm00:42:20
going to get it written down of here's00:42:22
the data here's the facts be aware be00:42:24
cautious00:42:25
but not allow these thoughts to be00:42:27
consumed inside of me and i think that's00:42:29
really helped me over these last two00:42:30
years just stay focused on how can i00:42:33
take care of myself how can i show up in00:42:35
a loving way00:42:36
you know how can i continue to serve my00:42:38
my team my community my my audience00:42:41
and not be crippled by these thoughts00:42:44
and it's it's been a you know a great00:42:46
practice that i had as a child that's00:42:48
helped me now as an adult00:42:50
but i see so many people consumed by00:42:52
these00:42:53
the media in the negative way or taking00:42:56
it in too much00:42:57
and then holding on to that fear00:43:00
yeah and it's funny because when covid00:43:02
here i was in england just moving to00:43:04
america and i remember thinking oh i00:43:05
don't have any medicine in america and i00:43:08
thought and i went to buy some and everything00:43:10
had sold out and i thought well00:43:12
what am i doing if i buy all this00:43:14
medicine am i planning to get ill00:43:16
and i had a real dilemma should i buy00:43:18
all this stuff and ship it out to00:43:20
america00:43:22
if i'm buying all this stuff am i all00:43:24
these cold remedies am i planning to get00:43:25
a cold eventually you know i'm going to00:43:27
buy them for other people i'm going to00:43:29
buy them for when i have visitors in my00:43:31
house they need a bit of lem sip but i00:43:33
don't need it and00:43:35
sometimes you have to really stop and00:43:36
think you know what am i doing i'm00:43:38
buying antacids i'm buying anti-sickness00:43:41
stuff to go on the plane i'm i'm00:43:43
carrying pepper spray or bear spray on00:43:46
my key ring what am i doing here am i00:43:48
planning to get attacked and i think00:43:51
it's okay to have that on your key ring00:43:52
keyring depending on but but don't00:43:55
expect oh i need this this something00:43:58
terrible is gonna happen you know i lock00:44:00
my door and i'd put on an alarm but i00:44:02
don't00:44:03
stress about it too much so00:44:06
but you are right you we sometimes think00:44:08
the most i'm gonna get sick00:44:10
it's flu season it's allergy season it's00:44:13
hay fever season it's headache season00:44:17
i know when i have a kid it will scream00:44:18
all night i know when i have a kid i get00:44:20
really fat and you never get rid of the00:44:22
weight i know00:44:24
when i meet someone it's not going to00:44:26
work we really have to remember you have00:44:29
the power to make that thought real but00:44:31
guess what you also have the power to00:44:33
reverse it this relationship is going to00:44:35
last forever00:44:37
i'm going to be a great mom00:44:40
i've got a great immune system00:44:42
my body00:44:44
deals with germs every single day so00:44:47
it really is a choice to just look at00:44:50
your thoughts update them the way you00:44:52
update your software upgrade them00:44:55
but so many of us don't even know what00:44:57
we're thinking we i need coffee to cope00:45:00
i need caffeine to get to get up in the00:45:03
morning i need pills to go to sleep at00:45:05
night well actually you don't but if you00:45:08
think that thought you're going to00:45:10
confirm it00:45:11
and make it real sleep00:45:13
will come to you wherever you are00:45:16
your body will cope very well without00:45:18
caffeine you're not going to gain a00:45:20
pound looking at pizza00:45:22
and you do know what full is and you can00:45:24
stop eating but00:45:26
so many of us have been so influenced by00:45:29
the media you know in america every00:45:30
third advert is for drugs for medicine00:45:33
because it's saying you need this and00:45:35
the same thing for happy meals you need00:45:38
this no you don't need any of that you00:45:40
need00:45:41
to think better thoughts00:45:43
what about people with low self-esteem00:45:45
or low confidence00:45:46
where do you think that the root of that00:45:48
comes from and how can we start to00:45:51
overcome that self-doubt low self-esteem00:45:54
low confidence yeah well again i've00:45:55
never met a baby that was born with low00:45:57
self-esteem no00:45:59
just not gonna try to crawl it's too00:46:02
difficult i can't get that food in my00:46:04
mouth i give up i can't quite hit the00:46:07
toilet i just stop bothering so the good00:46:10
thing about that is you were not born00:46:12
with it even if you had a horrible00:46:14
beginning and your parents gave you up00:46:15
for adoption and didn't want you you00:46:18
know one of my friends went to russia to00:46:19
get a little boy and he said it was so00:46:21
funny so i walked in the office he ran00:46:22
up and he clung to my legs so and he00:46:25
said when we left i said say goodbye and00:46:27
he just looked at his i'm not look i'm00:46:28
not looking back there's even as a baby00:46:30
he knew00:46:31
and he when i picked him up to leave00:46:33
when i got the adoption he wouldn't look00:46:36
back he wouldn't wave his i'm going that00:46:38
way with you00:46:39
and that's all behind me now and he's an00:46:42
amazing kid the boy he adopted because00:46:45
he had a sense of00:46:47
you know where he is and he said one day00:46:49
i'm00:46:51
so glad00:46:52
i found you said yeah i'm glad we found00:46:54
each other so he's already got that00:46:56
sense of we found each other i found you00:46:58
but you also found me and we helped each00:47:01
other00:47:02
so with self-esteem00:47:04
there is nothing on the planet that will00:47:06
build that faster than your own praise00:47:08
we often think well i need to lose 1000:47:10
pounds get a six pack update my wardrobe00:47:14
it's like that bruce springs and i want00:47:15
to change my face my thoughts my job do00:47:18
you remember that song by bruce00:47:20
you want to change your thoughts that's00:47:22
all you ever need to change and the00:47:25
thing that will raise00:47:27
and build your self-esteem is praise00:47:29
there is nothing no shoes00:47:32
no cookies no candy no sex no drugs no00:47:36
alcohol nothing that will build your00:47:38
self-esteem00:47:39
like praise and if you knew that to be00:47:42
true and it is true00:47:44
then all you have to do is practice00:47:45
saying i like myself00:47:48
i'm a good person00:47:49
i've got something to offer the world00:47:52
i'm kind i'm nice i'm fatting i'm00:47:54
interesting and compelling you can make00:47:56
it as dramatic as you like00:47:58
i'm magnetically lovable or just00:48:01
i got a good heart00:48:03
i'm an interesting person people like me00:48:07
so00:48:08
if you knew that the one thing that00:48:10
could build your praise was free00:48:13
was a media and was in you why wouldn't00:48:15
you use it and i talk a lot in the book00:48:17
about exactly how to do that00:48:20
again the cheerleader the00:48:22
self-confidence00:48:23
people get very confused i don't even00:48:25
know what is self-love is that00:48:28
rubbing cream on myself having a little00:48:30
sex aid what is self-love no it's not00:48:33
that it's looking in the mirror and00:48:35
saying i'm nice and00:48:38
the way to know if you love yourself is00:48:40
really three things and the big one is00:48:42
how do you talk to you do you say i'm an00:48:44
idiot00:48:45
i got rocks for brains look at the state00:48:48
of me i knew i'd mess that up00:48:52
self-love is being kind so the way you00:48:54
talk to yourself the way you dialogue00:48:56
with you is the big key00:48:58
to self-love okay so someone said to me00:49:00
oh my god you messed that up you idiot i00:49:03
go no i made a mistake but i learnt from00:49:06
it if someone said to me oh00:49:09
yeah i hate that book i said well let me00:49:11
give you your money back i'm sorry you00:49:13
didn't like it i think it's a great book00:49:15
but i'm happy to refund you because i'm00:49:16
not going to let them make me believe00:49:19
someone said i hate your book and oh my00:49:20
god they hated my book i go well they00:49:22
don't like it i like it00:49:24
so i will always talk to myself well00:49:27
almost all the time you don't have to do00:49:28
it percent sure 90 is as good00:49:31
the second way of knowing how you love00:49:34
yourself is how do you treat yourself00:49:38
do you eat well00:49:39
do you hydrate00:49:41
do you get some people do you lie on the00:49:43
sofa eating potato chips staying up all00:49:45
night watching netflix00:49:47
and knowing you've got to get up at00:49:48
eight and you're still watching00:49:50
something at 4 00 am because that's not00:49:52
love people say i i love food i'm like00:49:54
no00:49:56
loving pizza and beer is not love it's00:49:58
abuse00:49:59
punishing workouts that's not love00:50:01
that's abuse00:50:03
starving yourself and eating celery00:50:05
juice or drinking diet coke that's not00:50:08
love it's abuse00:50:10
and the only way to have a body you love00:50:13
is to actually start by loving the one00:50:15
you have so love is do i really want to00:50:17
eat doughnuts and pop tarts and soda00:50:19
first thing in the morning would i give00:50:20
that to a baby but i give that to my pet00:50:24
so how do you talk to yourself00:50:26
first00:50:28
how do you treat yourself second00:50:31
and once you get into oh i'm gonna love00:50:33
myself you won't eat doughnuts for00:50:35
breakfast00:50:37
and lots and lots of takeouts for dinner00:50:39
because you'll think that's not love00:50:41
it's abuse the whole dieting industry is00:50:44
based on abuse hate your body so much00:50:46
that you starve it00:50:48
make it do the plank when you're not in00:50:49
the mood force it to go running in the00:50:52
rain and then go i hate my legs i hate00:50:55
my stomach00:50:56
and then the third part is how do you00:50:58
let other people treat you that's a big00:51:00
one do you let them put you down do you00:51:03
lend them money when you can't afford it00:51:04
do you go out of your way to give them a00:51:06
lift are you a real people pleaser00:51:09
if you get the first one right00:51:12
the other two will click into place00:51:13
anyway00:51:15
but tr you again you're back into that00:51:17
i'm trying to buy your love i'm trying00:51:19
to earn your affection i'm trying to00:51:22
make you like me and people like you00:51:24
when you like you enough to say00:51:27
oh this doesn't suit me00:51:29
no i i don't really i can't have your00:51:31
kids all weekend while you go to burning00:51:33
man00:51:34
it just isn't convenient you don't and00:51:36
the other thing about it is don't keep00:51:38
saying sorry00:51:40
sorry i'm late sorry i'm sick say thank00:51:43
you thank you for waiting for me thanks00:51:45
for being such a great friend thanks for00:51:47
helping me out sorry i'm such a burden00:51:49
i'm sorry00:51:50
i know i'm a pain00:51:53
so00:51:54
when you get to understand what00:51:56
self-love looks like00:51:58
i'm i i dial up myself very nicely i00:52:01
treat myself on the whole i can have00:52:02
pizza and ice cream but i don't need to00:52:04
have four tubs because i'm practicing00:52:06
self-love i love a bit of cake but i00:52:08
don't need the whole cake00:52:10
and now that i love myself when you say00:52:12
something mean i can go oh i'm not going00:52:14
to let that in wow that's not very00:52:16
loving and it all sounds hard it's00:52:18
actually incredibly easy00:52:20
when we00:52:21
are people pleasers and we let other00:52:24
people00:52:25
do things that necessarily we don't want00:52:26
to do yeah we end up doing it because we00:52:29
don't want to let someone down or we00:52:30
want someone upset at us and then we00:52:32
resent yeah we did the thing yeah what00:52:34
is that saying about us when we are00:52:36
people pleasing you're putting yourself00:52:38
last and everyone else first and it00:52:40
doesn't mean you should put yourself00:52:42
first but you should not put yourself00:52:44
last i mean it's fine if you want to00:52:47
drive to the airport and pick someone up00:52:48
at 4am because you love them that's00:52:50
perfectly okay it's fine to lend someone00:52:52
money00:52:53
to to lend someone your car but if00:52:55
you're doing it to make them like you00:52:59
you don't really want to do it you put00:53:01
them first and you last and it really00:53:03
helps okay okay is this love or abuse00:53:06
i'm lending people my stuff when i can't00:53:09
afford to i'm giving people my things00:53:13
i'm giving them my time my money my00:53:15
energy when i haven't got it to give so00:53:17
that's not love it's abuse00:53:20
and if you can look at things is that00:53:21
love or abuse00:53:22
and always come at love it becomes much00:53:25
much easier to get it right yeah00:53:28
in the book there's a chapter in here00:53:30
where you're talking about um00:53:32
how some people will trade one negative00:53:35
addiction for a more socially acceptable00:53:38
positive addiction yeah they'll stop00:53:40
drinking alcohol but then they're00:53:43
having you know 10 cokes a day or00:53:45
something they'll stop00:53:47
doing something else unhealthy but then00:53:49
they'll be working out three hours in00:53:51
the gym you talk about yeah a day and00:53:53
they trade one negative addiction for a00:53:55
different addiction which seems to be00:53:57
more positive00:53:58
but is also abusive in its own way00:54:02
why do why do certain people trade one00:54:04
addiction for another00:54:07
and how could they actually00:54:09
sit with the time and the energy and the00:54:12
the the conversations the thoughts of00:54:14
the anxiety or the the stress that00:54:16
they're having00:54:18
and just not be addicted anymore well00:54:20
again you've got to go back to that00:54:22
ladder of looping thoughts what's the00:54:24
thought that runs an addiction it's00:54:25
always the same i'm not enough00:54:28
i'm not enough is going to be behind00:54:31
every addiction thing because if you're00:54:32
not enough guess what you need more i00:54:35
need more food more alcohol more drugs00:54:38
more sex more shopping00:54:40
more netflix00:54:42
and00:54:43
many many addicts try to change the00:54:45
behavior i'm not gonna go to the bar00:54:48
i'm not gonna go to the ice cream shop00:54:51
i'm i'm going to avoid00:54:53
that that situation so i'm trying to00:54:56
change the behavior but you have to go00:54:58
back and change the thought and there's00:54:59
someone called ryan in the book i think00:55:01
it's the second chapter00:55:02
and that is a classic story of00:55:04
alcoholism ryan bless his heart because00:55:07
he's a lovely person was an addict00:55:10
alcohol and drugs was also addicted to00:55:13
people that hurt him in relationships00:55:15
and00:55:16
he'd been to rehab over and over again00:55:18
to change the behavior and by the way in00:55:21
rehab they have cupboards full of candy00:55:24
don't drink eat chocolate eat more00:55:26
chocolate eat more stuff because they're00:55:28
just switching one addiction for another00:55:30
are many ex-addicts i'm addicted to food00:55:33
i'm addicted to shopping i'm addicted to00:55:36
praise and00:55:38
because you're still treating the00:55:39
behavior00:55:41
the thought creates the feeling that00:55:43
behaves that creates the behavior i've00:55:45
worked with thousands and thousands of00:55:46
adults i've never met one ever who ever00:55:48
felt there enough and when you go back00:55:50
to that00:55:52
whenever you think you're not enough you00:55:54
will need more of something00:55:56
when you know you are enough you don't00:55:59
need cake after all00:56:01
one donut might be okay why would you00:56:03
want six why would you need three pizzas00:56:06
followed by a beer why would you need a00:56:08
whole bottle of wine if one could make00:56:10
you feel good00:56:12
if one purse or pair of shoes could make00:56:15
you feel good why have you got a closet00:56:17
full of them00:56:19
clearly it isn't working but with00:56:21
addiction00:56:22
if you try to treat the behavior and00:56:24
only the behavior you just swap00:56:26
behaviors so we have to go back to the00:56:28
thought you have to go back to the00:56:29
thought thought comes before behaviors00:56:33
thought00:56:34
causes actions if you just change the00:56:37
thought i worked with many alcoholics00:56:39
who stopped drinking like like ryan in00:56:42
one session because he went back to00:56:45
look at the thought and said well let's00:56:47
change that and many people say no it's00:56:49
amazing i stopped drinking stop binging00:56:52
stopped using00:56:54
because i suddenly realized oh it was a00:56:56
thought i was thinking that caused me so00:56:58
much pain and the thought wasn't even00:57:00
true00:57:02
is it possible to change the thought00:57:04
that quickly if let's say00:57:06
you're you know 40 years old you've been00:57:08
addicted for 20 years and you've kind of00:57:10
had this00:57:12
emotional i guess trauma trapped in your00:57:14
body and in your mind on a repeat for00:57:17
decades is it possible to quit to change00:57:20
it that quickly or does it00:57:22
usually take a you know a few months00:57:25
the more i guess embedded this is in00:57:27
your system like00:57:29
it just depends you know you can change00:57:31
a thought in 21 seconds is it 21 days 2100:57:35
hours it can be 21 seconds it depends on00:57:37
you some people00:57:39
change thoughts instantly right they00:57:42
they learn something new it's like00:57:44
suddenly00:57:45
you realize that father christmas isn't00:57:47
real right and everything changes and00:57:49
it's not hard work or you realize that00:57:51
there is no tooth fairy there is no00:57:54
scary monster maybe you even realize00:57:56
there isn't hell00:57:57
so00:57:58
it can be instant00:58:00
but it doesn't matter if it isn't you00:58:02
know you can change three ways immediate00:58:04
change all on that oh i change my00:58:06
thinking you know it's a bit like00:58:08
someone saying i thought that person00:58:10
loved me and then someone woke me up and00:58:11
said you know that's not love that's00:58:13
abuse00:58:14
saying oh i thought you know i was doing00:58:16
the right thing by hating my body and00:58:18
it's not changing but then i realized00:58:20
everything i thought was love is abuse00:58:23
so i'm going to do yoga not00:58:25
running i'm not going to eat diet food00:58:28
i'm going to love my body with proper00:58:30
food it can be an instant thought00:58:32
you know like for instance my um00:58:35
my friends went into an abattoir came00:58:36
out said that's it00:58:38
i could never eat meat again in that00:58:40
instant everything changed if you ate i00:58:43
don't know oysters were violently sick00:58:45
that chain you can never eat them again00:58:47
because you've linked pain to it00:58:49
anything you're over the toilet bringing00:58:50
everything oh no never again never again00:58:54
never again and you're touring up from00:58:56
alcohol the night before it's not even00:58:58
work you just go no i can't do that00:59:00
again so you can change instantly and00:59:02
that's always the best kind but there's00:59:04
also a second change which is cumulative00:59:06
it means bit by bit you think oh where00:59:09
did i last scream at my kids when did i00:59:11
last have that tension headache00:59:13
i'm noticing it's getting better00:59:16
and then the third change is called00:59:18
retroactive when you don't even know00:59:19
you've changed and says wow look at you00:59:22
or your partner says gosh you're so much00:59:24
calmer someone says wow louis you're00:59:26
looking great so00:59:28
instant change00:59:30
cumulative change retroactive change but00:59:32
it doesn't matter which change you get00:59:35
because you are changing in the same way00:59:36
that some people have00:59:38
10 driving lessons past their tests00:59:40
that's it other people have a hundred00:59:42
lessons and finally passed their test00:59:44
but you're all equal on the road so00:59:48
how many changes you're thinking well my00:59:50
friend did that diet and00:59:52
lost 50 pounds and i didn't i guess i'm00:59:55
a failure my friend did that workout and00:59:57
got a six pack i didn't my friend01:00:00
did that it changed the life it didn't01:00:02
work for me01:00:04
and the saddest thing is we don't blame01:00:06
the program we blame ourselves i guess01:00:08
i'm just a failure01:00:10
so don't compare your change to other01:00:12
people01:00:13
some people change really fast and other01:00:15
people don't some people pick up a01:00:17
language01:00:18
really fast other people don't yeah01:00:21
that's no don't blame yourself yeah01:00:23
don't don't shame yourself either no01:00:25
don't blame yourself don't shame01:00:26
yourself again that's abuse isn't it01:00:29
everything you're doing that's abusive01:00:31
turn it round to being more loving i01:00:33
made a mistake i forgot something i was01:00:36
mean to my kids today01:00:38
i lost it i ended up eating three kats01:00:41
because i didn't go out for lunch but i01:00:43
could remember next time to have some01:00:46
nuts in my bag or to take something with01:00:48
me yeah i shouted at my kids because i01:00:51
hadn't eaten and i was so stressed and i01:00:53
realized i could have taken a deep01:00:54
breath so don't you know if you can only01:00:58
learn by making a mistake01:01:00
but it doesn't matter how long it takes01:01:02
it's like saying how long does it take01:01:04
to climb a mountain i don't know but01:01:05
when you get to the top the view is the01:01:07
same for everyone whether you sprint it01:01:09
up there or went to a very slow crawl01:01:12
everyone has the same view yeah01:01:14
you said there were a couple points to01:01:15
addiction the first one being i'm not01:01:17
enough was there a couple more points to01:01:19
kind of the root of addiction or any01:01:21
addiction is classified as something01:01:23
that moves you away from a bad behavior01:01:25
to a good one people are going to be01:01:26
addicted to exercise they can be01:01:28
addicted to orgasms but it's anything01:01:30
that moves you away from something bad01:01:32
to something good that you can't stop01:01:34
that starts to run you01:01:37
and people think addicts are really cold01:01:40
and01:01:41
and mean but addicts are often very01:01:43
fragile deeply sensitive so if we look01:01:45
at the jimmy hendrix and david bowie01:01:49
and and prince and michael jackson01:01:52
people are addicted to pain pills they01:01:54
often are very fragile amy winehouse01:01:57
even whitney very sensitive fragile01:02:00
creatures01:02:01
that the world is very hard on01:02:04
and if you're an addict in any way you01:02:07
have to realize that addicts are very01:02:08
creative if you say to anthony hopkins01:02:11
hey anthony can you play a psychopath he01:02:12
can see that01:02:14
and play it01:02:15
and terrify everyone if you say to amy01:02:17
hey amy could you write about pain she01:02:19
could knock out back to black in five01:02:21
minutes because01:02:23
they're so creative01:02:25
and if you're creative you are receptive01:02:28
to suggestions which is your biggest01:02:30
gift and your biggest downfall because01:02:32
you go i don't think that was very good01:02:35
i thought someone else wrote much better01:02:38
so addicts are very sensitive01:02:40
often highly creative they find the real01:02:43
world01:02:44
very hard and they need support01:02:47
a kindness that's not easy when you have01:02:49
an 18 year old kid who's stealing from01:02:51
you to buy drugs01:02:52
but sending them to rehab where they're01:02:55
told you're trying to kill yourself01:02:57
is often not the case they're often01:02:59
trying to stay alive and it's hard to be01:03:01
kind right but it's the only thing that01:03:04
works with addicts going back and saying01:03:06
look not what's wrong with you but what01:03:08
happened to you01:03:10
when did you decide you don't matter01:03:13
when did you decide you were worthless01:03:15
what happened to make you believe you're01:03:17
not enough01:03:18
and i've worked with many 17 year old01:03:20
addicts who say well i didn't have a dad01:03:22
my dad left when i was one he never saw01:03:24
me he's got another kid he loves more01:03:26
than me and01:03:27
i'm nothing but that's not true your dad01:03:30
is an idiot i'm sorry you have an idiot01:03:31
for a dad but your dad not seeing you01:03:34
has nothing to do01:03:35
with your greatness and your gifts and01:03:38
but it's hard for children because their01:03:40
worth is who loves me01:03:42
am i lovable and if no one loves you how01:03:45
can you believe you're lovable as you01:03:47
get older you think well01:03:49
i got to stop if nobody loves me01:03:52
and i'm allowing this to believe i'm not01:03:53
lovable01:03:54
maybe i could reverse that and go i am01:03:56
lovable i am i am i am even if i think01:03:59
it's silly01:04:00
because you're you're changing the01:04:02
thought01:04:03
and we know that our thoughts radiate01:04:05
from it's like a magnet people that pick01:04:07
our thinking01:04:08
you know if you i was at a ranch last01:04:11
week and01:04:12
working with horses and if the horse01:04:14
thinks you like it01:04:15
you know you go you have to lie on it so01:04:18
you touch where all its organs are its01:04:20
stomach and first the horse will tune01:04:22
into your breathing actually tunes into01:04:24
your smell if it goes oh you like me and01:04:27
i'm safe it will let you hold it but if01:04:29
you're nervous and anxious the horse01:04:31
will pull away01:04:32
but people are no different we tune into01:04:35
our someone else's thoughts01:04:37
we tune into other people's beliefs much01:04:39
more than we tune into their actions so01:04:42
change your thoughts because it won't01:04:44
just change how you feel about you or01:04:46
change how everyone else feels about you01:04:49
right because if your thoughts are going01:04:50
to create feelings and emotions within01:04:53
you your body language is going to01:04:54
change based on your thoughts of course01:04:56
and people are going to pick up that01:04:57
energy around you yeah and what i'm01:04:59
hearing you say people who are addicted01:05:01
their number one thought is i'm not01:05:03
enough yeah01:05:05
and so they need to go back to01:05:07
the beginning of reversing that lie01:05:09
changing that thought yeah yeah and like01:05:11
with ryan it it doesn't take forever it01:05:14
can take an hour it can take half an01:05:16
hour it takes you because i remember01:05:18
saying to ryan you know you think you're01:05:19
a broken person but you're not you're a01:05:21
person who has some broken experiences01:05:24
you think you're flawed the truth is you01:05:26
had flawed parenting but you're not01:05:28
flawed you're not you're not a machine01:05:31
that's broken you're a person01:05:33
who's had some broken events but it01:05:36
doesn't mean you're broken if you01:05:38
enjoyed that interview then i know01:05:40
you'll love what we have coming up right01:05:42
now it's fascinating i'm so glad you're01:05:45
talking about this because we have a01:05:46
similar philosophy and a lot of people01:05:48
that come to me are afraid of certain01:05:49
things01:05:51
and at an early age i was afraid of a01:05:52
lot of things yeah i was afraid to talk01:05:54
to girls as a you know 12 year old i was01:05:56
afraid of speaking in public i was01:05:59
afraid of dancing i was afraid of all01:06:00
these things right01:06:02
and i to get so sick and tired of being01:06:04
afraid that i just said i'm going to01:06:06
give myself a challenge01:06:08
every day you know when i had a when i01:06:10
was afraid of girls i was like every01:06:12
time i see a girl that gives me01:06:13
butterflies i'm going to go up to them01:06:15
and start a conversation and it's01:06:16
terrifying and i'm sweating and i'm01:06:18
stumbling with my words01:06:20
and people rejected me the first few01:06:22
times but i just kept doing it and yeah01:06:24
the girl said hi yeah nice to see you01:06:27
and you get a little confidence until01:06:29
you know by the end of the summer01:06:31
when i was a teenager it was like every01:06:33
girl was talking to me of course and i01:06:35
tell people you gotta embrace the fear01:06:37
until the fear disappears yeah it's01:06:39
similar with the feelings yeah you've01:06:41
got to live in the feelings until01:06:43
what you're saying feel the feeling it01:06:45
no longer requires to be felt that's01:06:47
great because what you're really01:06:48
describing so eloquently is you had a01:06:50
massive fear of rejection talking to01:06:53
girls speaking in public01:06:55
asking01:06:56
feeling enough yeah someone hasn't to01:06:57
employ you will pay you so we have a01:06:59
great fear of rejection which is not01:07:01
surprising because when we're born01:07:03
we have two drivers find connection01:07:06
avoid rejection after all if a mother01:07:08
rejects a child if a lion rejects the01:07:10
cub01:07:11
it's not going to be adopted it will01:07:13
just die yeah or it just starves to01:07:16
death and so we know innately that our01:07:18
survival on the planet is linked to not01:07:20
being rejected01:07:22
and not that long ago you would have01:07:23
died from rejection you know in01:07:26
in01:07:27
a thousand years ago when they banished01:07:29
you outside the walls of the city or you01:07:31
marooned a difficult sailor or you cast01:07:34
someone out of the community you pretty01:07:36
much died there was nothing out there01:07:38
but purgatory01:07:39
so we have a wiring that says rejection01:07:41
will kill me01:07:43
and that's why you had the fear01:07:45
but when you can dialogue with yourself01:07:47
no it feels like it will kill me it01:07:49
can't kill me because no girl can reject01:07:51
me unless01:07:52
i give her my permission right give them01:07:54
my power you can't reject me unless i01:07:56
agree with everything i don't like you01:07:58
because you've got short hair i don't01:07:59
like your shirt i don't like you because01:08:01
you're white not white tall short01:08:03
glasses not01:08:04
but when you say you can't reject me01:08:07
i'm i can't be rejected because the only01:08:09
person you can reject me is me01:08:12
you can talk to girls realizing even if01:08:14
they say no you're not my type i'm with01:08:16
someone no thanks or even ooh not no01:08:20
they can only reject you if you let that01:08:22
in01:08:23
and we look at someone like james corden01:08:25
who's certainly not gorgeous but women01:08:27
love him because he's funny01:08:30
so funny and you know01:08:32
we like warm people you know the the01:08:34
packaging is all very nice we'll as well01:08:36
have a great packaging a great rapper01:08:38
and it'll but they're unhappy01:08:41
and so01:08:42
our greatest fear is to be rejected but01:08:44
the truth is in 2018 you could live in01:08:48
this apartment have amazon deliver your01:08:50
groceries never see a soul and you01:08:51
probably live until you're 106. yeah01:08:54
wouldn't i advise it but we don't die of01:08:56
rejection anymore but we still feel like01:08:58
we will01:09:00
and all schools should be teaching kids01:09:02
you cannot be rejected you can ask for a01:09:05
pay rise you can ask for crowd funding01:09:07
you can go to someone go here's my idea01:09:09
you can write a book speak in public01:09:12
because i with a lot of actors who say01:09:14
i'm so scared of rejection i'm like well01:09:16
how are you going to be an actor then01:09:18
don't you and i write books for everyone01:09:21
who loves it there's going to be an odd01:09:22
person because i hate this book and i01:09:23
hate that writer too01:09:25
but we don't let it in we have to laugh01:09:27
about it when you give a youtube talk i01:09:30
mean i've got one of my talks got like01:09:32
three million views and there's a few in01:09:33
there going i hate her01:09:35
stuck up english um snob but they don't01:09:38
know me because that's not me at all but01:09:40
i don't oh my god i can never write01:09:42
another book i can01:09:44
i'm okay because i don't let it in01:09:45
because the only opinion that matters is01:09:47
my opinion i know i'm not a stuck-up01:09:49
english snob01:09:50
so that can't hurt me because if it did01:09:53
i wouldn't be sharing it with you right01:09:54
yeah so if everyone's giving you01:09:56
negative feedback or critical feedback01:09:58
on who you are your performance yeah01:10:01
your work01:10:02
how does someone01:10:04
not let it affect them how does someone01:10:06
say okay that's such a great question so01:10:09
if someone just comes in and goes i hate01:10:11
that shirt well that that color is so01:10:13
not you or you should never have cut01:10:15
your hair or you've got a bit heavy01:10:18
you just go thanks for sharing that just01:10:21
a really simple thing which says thank01:10:24
you for sharing your opinion which i can01:10:27
choose to not let in you don't have to01:10:28
do anything else when the minute you go01:10:31
your shirt's pretty awful01:10:32
look at your hair or calling me heavy01:10:34
you look you you look anorexic you've01:10:37
let it in01:10:38
and now you're trying to retaliate and01:10:40
it's like a game of tennis if you put01:10:42
down your racket and walk off the court01:10:44
you can't volley so the first thing to01:10:46
say is01:10:47
thanks for sharing that01:10:49
and it's very good for the little barbs01:10:51
we get from01:10:53
people family friends sisters cousins01:10:56
exes01:10:58
um if someone is really mean and says01:11:00
you know i listened to your talk on01:11:02
youtube oh my god you stank up the place01:11:05
i was embarrassed for you then you go01:11:07
back and you say01:11:08
i missed that could you repeat that for01:11:11
me slowly01:11:13
they were usually not bothered because01:11:14
they know that in you asking them to01:11:16
repeat it slowly you're going to call01:11:18
them out on it01:11:19
and they usually go oh me and my big01:11:21
mouth i'm just having a bad i didn't01:11:22
actually really watch it anyway just01:11:24
ignore me and if they do you must not go01:11:26
after them and go no i want you to01:11:28
repeat it right now say it to my face01:11:31
don't do that because a bit like a lion01:11:33
who bears the teeth they're saying back01:11:35
off and i don't want to attack you when01:11:37
a lion bears its teeth you don't go up01:11:39
to it you walk away it gives you a01:11:41
chance01:11:42
to retract so saying could you repeat01:11:45
that slowly is giving the person a01:11:47
chance to retract they almost always do01:11:49
but occasionally they'll come out and go01:11:51
no01:11:52
i just said you're so wooden as a01:11:53
speaker as an insult to wood01:11:56
and then you have your third reaction01:11:58
which is01:11:59
oh01:12:00
are you trying to make me feel bad about01:12:02
myself amazing they usually go no01:12:04
no me no i thought i should tell you how01:12:07
bad you are because you need to get help01:12:09
or never speak in public again or01:12:12
i mean i had a nanny once it was so01:12:14
awful i had to say to darling you're01:12:15
wonderful but you're not meant to be a01:12:17
nanny and i didn't criticize i just01:12:19
advised her to go and do something else01:12:22
and we're still friends sometimes people01:12:24
think that the criticism and the barbs01:12:26
and the humor are a good way to give you01:12:28
a message so when you say you're trying01:12:30
to hurt my feelings they often say no01:12:33
when you're being bullied at school if01:12:34
you said they go yeah i really am i want01:12:36
to hurt you that's the point dummy01:12:39
what because it's a domination01:12:42
bullying is just dominating it's a bit01:12:44
like a seesaw the bully feels there at01:12:46
the bottom and you're above them and01:12:48
they can only diminish you01:12:50
or embellish themselves to be above you01:12:53
on this little see-saw so they feel01:12:55
inferior yeah what does always feel01:12:57
inferior so let's imagine you you're01:13:00
poor your dad drinks you don't have any01:13:02
money and there's this kid with new01:13:04
trainers and new backpack and they come01:13:06
up and say you're just a or01:13:08
you're gay because they want they can't01:13:11
really embellish themselves so the next01:13:13
option is let me diminish you01:13:16
i mean the embellishment isn't i'm01:13:17
you're the no one in my family has been01:13:19
divorced so when we fight it must be01:13:20
your fault i mean you're from divorced01:13:22
people or well i've got a degree and you01:13:24
haven't or i've already raised a kid and01:13:26
i've got no problem with those ones so01:13:28
this must be your fault so you can01:13:30
embellish yourself but if you calm you01:13:33
go into diminishment01:13:35
and so when when when someone says yes i01:13:37
am trying to hurt your feelings you01:13:40
simply reply well it's not going to work01:13:42
because i'm not letting that in and i01:13:45
was in my garden last week filming an01:13:47
anti-bullying program01:13:49
which we're giving away to every school01:13:51
and i had these kids and this little01:13:53
girl was saying01:13:55
um i'm not letting that in that's not going01:13:57
to work and i said how do you fish01:13:58
because i feel so good01:14:00
because he's not hurting my feelings i'm01:14:02
not letting it in he can't hurt me01:14:04
because i'm just saying i'm not going to01:14:06
let that in and then when it was his01:14:08
turn he said i'm kind of running i'm01:14:10
becoming demotivated to bully her i'm01:14:12
totally demotivated and i was enjoying01:14:15
it because he got to the horrible things01:14:17
he said i'm so demon i'm running out of01:14:18
stuff to say because she just won't let01:14:20
it in and then they switched and she01:14:23
said the same thing what's the point01:14:24
he's not letting it in i just just want01:14:26
to stop this now so that's the fourth01:14:29
option well that won't work because i'm01:14:32
not letting it in01:14:33
and the fifth stage is to say01:14:36
particularly with adults like if you01:14:37
have a bullying co-worker do you know01:14:40
since we're sharing here you do know01:14:42
don't you that people who are critical01:14:44
have so much criticism reserved for01:14:46
themselves they actively dislike01:14:49
themselves and you're actually showing01:14:50
me and the entire office that you really01:14:53
don't like yourself like critiquing me01:14:55
yeah by pretty you're just showing me01:14:57
yeah critical people always have01:15:00
criticism reserved for themselves they01:15:02
are full of self criticism but they01:15:04
reflect it out and superior people and01:15:07
happy people always praise and people01:15:09
who feel inadequate always criticize01:15:11
because criticize withers you01:15:13
and praise builds you up01:15:16
and if you can use those five techniques01:15:18
thanks for sharing could you repeat that01:15:20
are you trying to hurt my feelings won't01:15:22
work i'm not letting it in since we're01:15:24
sharing did you know what is running01:15:26
your critical behavior01:15:28
you don't let it in and being able to01:15:30
not let in criticism that too will01:15:34
change your life it it makes you01:15:37
bulletproof you can't stop people being01:15:38
mean and having a horrible day and we01:15:40
now have trolling which is becoming an01:15:43
epidemic so it's actually worse our kids01:15:46
used to get bullied at school01:15:48
and go home to a sanctuary another01:15:49
bullied online now they're bullied01:15:51
online on the phone01:15:53
and it's it never ends and they feel01:15:55
really attacked and see when you find01:15:58
trolls they're usually really miserable01:16:00
and unhappy but they love the power01:16:02
because they have no power they live on01:16:04
their own or with their mum they have no01:16:07
life01:16:08
i mean we had a terrible situation in01:16:10
england where somebody was trolling01:16:12
this person whose child had been01:16:14
kidnapped and when they exposed her she01:16:15
killed herself01:16:17
which was a terrible thing for her but01:16:18
obviously her sense of shame that she01:16:21
was outed01:16:22
and to kill herself but she must have01:16:24
felt terrible i felt so sorry for her01:16:27
but she was very vicious in her trolling01:16:29
but that's a really unhappy person01:16:32
she needed a lot of help01:16:34
but when you can teach people to come01:16:36
back from criticism without fighting or01:16:38
going well i hate you too or you're all01:16:41
shut up or crying when you can just01:16:44
teach them look01:16:45
i'm not letting it it's like if i try to01:16:47
give you a gift you go and i don't need01:16:48
that gift i'm holding the gift i can't01:16:51
give you something if you don't take it01:16:53
i can't serve papers on you unless you01:16:55
accept them i can't serve a volunteer01:16:58
unless you volley it back01:17:00
so when you learn that people can try01:17:02
and give you anything but if you don't01:17:03
accept it01:17:05
you haven't let it in01:17:07
and if you don't let it in it can't hurt01:17:09
you it just hurts the person who's left01:17:11
holding it01:17:12
years ago i used to when i got early in01:17:15
my career i would react to any negative01:17:17
comment that i got online twitter01:17:19
facebook whatever it might be anything01:17:21
that was critical towards me it was like01:17:23
i had to defend myself sure you don't01:17:25
know this because you let it in01:17:27
i let everything in i let everything01:17:29
control consume me yeah so i was01:17:32
driven to be perfect01:17:34
to try to like never let anyone critique01:17:36
me and then when they did i was like you01:17:38
don't know me you don't know this01:17:40
and i remember feeling so exhausted of01:17:43
course trying to reply and be defensive01:17:45
and whatever it may be01:17:47
and sometimes these01:17:49
arguments online we go back and forth01:17:51
for days01:17:52
just then you forget what you've even01:17:54
argued about in the first place and a01:17:57
good coach of mine at one point he saw01:17:59
me this was years ago saw me like01:18:02
i'd gotten a lot better but still five01:18:04
years ago i like tried to defend myself01:18:06
with like a very positive response that01:18:08
was like well here's why i did this this01:18:10
and this but nothing negative right and01:18:13
he called me out he said listen don't01:18:15
even respond like that just say thank01:18:17
you for the feedback yeah period thanks01:18:18
for sharing exactly what you said just01:18:20
like thank you for the feedback01:18:22
and let it go yeah01:18:24
and really now i think about01:18:26
you know the biggest critics are the01:18:27
ones who aren't creating if you're you01:18:29
don't see an author you never go on01:18:31
amazon and leave a negative review for01:18:33
another author no i have a question yeah01:18:35
and it says there's never been a statue01:18:37
erected to a critic and i gave it to one01:18:39
of my clients who's an actor that's01:18:41
great and it's such a great thing01:18:42
there's never been a statue or a01:18:44
monument directed to a critic that's01:18:46
great yeah we had a critic in london a01:18:48
critique play critic and he actually01:18:50
wrote a play and it was absolutely01:18:51
hammered he went i never realized what i01:18:53
was doing to people01:18:55
how much i hurt them when i reviewed01:18:57
them thought it was funny to make a joke01:18:59
they're expensive oh my god this book01:19:02
should not be put down indeed it should01:19:04
be thrown as far away from the01:19:05
unfortunate reader as possible01:19:08
wow he wrote that and then people01:19:11
started to get their own back yeah yeah01:19:14
yeah the job of this book is once you01:19:16
put it down you simply can't pick it up01:19:18
again that's funny isn't it but not for01:19:20
the person who wrote it exactly01:19:23
wow this is fascinating what do you use01:19:26
what do you think is your greatest01:19:27
challenge that you face internally01:19:29
personal challenge as someone who's01:19:32
helped thousands tens of thousands of01:19:33
people01:19:34
personally my goodness understand all01:19:36
this yeah i suppose it's not a challenge01:19:39
to get more people to understand it01:19:41
because people need it you know we all01:19:42
need to be nourished you know we need01:19:45
inter we need nourishment our soul needs01:19:47
to be now she's not about organic01:19:49
avocados from owen market that's great01:19:52
but we all need this emotional01:19:54
nourishment so01:19:56
is it a challenge getting more people to01:19:58
accept it i don't think it is because01:20:00
everyone i see oh my god i love that and01:20:03
some people will go you know i i listen01:20:04
to you thought oh that's rubbish but01:20:06
then i found myself going into the01:20:07
garage and saying nice stuff to myself01:20:11
so [Music]01:20:12
maybe my only challenge but even then01:20:14
it's not a challenge is i would say half01:20:16
the medical profession love what i do01:20:19
and really go for it oh my god this is01:20:21
amazing i'm using it with my own01:20:23
patients the other half okay this is all01:20:24
silly you know illness is caused by01:20:27
disease that you can't talk yourself01:20:29
better talking to yourself doesn't make01:20:31
any difference you can't possibly give01:20:33
birth01:20:34
just using positive affirmations01:20:36
it's like if if you had cancer and you01:20:39
had a very good oncologist you might go01:20:41
look you know the way you think01:20:43
the way you eat the way you act the way01:20:45
you rest can all affect and we're gonna01:20:47
you got cancer chemotherapy there's01:20:49
nothing else that will work and all that01:20:51
stuff is hocus pocus so that is a01:20:53
challenge01:20:54
but it's not so much because i find so01:20:57
many doctors love what i do and go wow01:21:00
you know all these illnesses are01:21:01
autoimmune illnesses many years ago01:21:05
there was a wonderful psychiatrist in01:21:06
london called dr mortally and he had a01:21:09
great expression it's always been my01:21:10
favorite and it says the feeling that01:21:13
cannot find its expression in tears may01:21:15
cause other organs to weep so he knew01:21:19
100 years ago that's beautiful so01:21:21
beautiful and so true01:21:23
the feeling that cannot find its01:21:25
expression in tears will cause other01:21:28
organs to weep so he's sort of saying if01:21:30
you don't feel the feeling01:21:32
your body's gonna feel it if you don't01:21:34
open your mouth and say you hurt me01:21:37
don't be surprised if you get a01:21:38
screaming everywhere i've got this01:21:40
screaming headache i've got this angry01:21:42
red rash i've got this thumping pain and01:21:45
by the words they're using angry01:21:47
screaming they're saying i have rage01:21:50
that can't come i'm not expressing it01:21:52
but it's expressed yeah because the body01:21:54
is very clever at finding something01:21:58
i worked with someone who couldn't walk01:21:59
and all ships i can't stand there i01:22:01
can't stand my ex i can't stand my life01:22:03
i can't stand my kisses and you can't01:22:05
stand up isn't that interesting01:22:07
she had sort of phantom leg pains01:22:11
because she couldn't stand anything01:22:12
believe us all say well what makes me01:22:14
sick is01:22:15
my sister-in-law i'm so sick of her she01:22:17
just makes me sick i vomit in my mouth01:22:20
every time i hear her voice and then01:22:21
they wonder why they believe it right01:22:24
because our words really affect our01:22:26
reality partly because it's such an easy01:22:29
thing to say01:22:31
every word you say is a blueprint that01:22:35
your mind body and psyche are working to01:22:37
make your reality01:22:40
so we we make our thoughts and our01:22:42
thoughts make us then we go out into the01:22:44
world and we justify our thoughts every01:22:46
day01:22:47
but we our words are a blueprint and01:22:49
when you know that you think well i01:22:50
better pay attention to that blueprint i01:22:53
better not say this kid is killing me01:22:56
my job is making me want to die01:22:59
i'm so stressed out by what the queue in01:23:01
hughes market well go to zimbabwe where01:23:04
there is no hughes market and there is01:23:06
no queue and there's no money to buy01:23:08
food and then you can say you're01:23:10
stressed because01:23:11
your problem the cue in erawan and the01:23:14
bill is someone else's fantasy dream01:23:16
come true you this freeway is killing01:23:19
you you have a car01:23:21
you haven't01:23:22
look at people on four buses i used to01:23:25
take my daughter to school when i'm in01:23:26
one day thinking that oh my god this01:23:29
commute is hell and i saw someone at a01:23:30
bus and thought how lucky i'm in my car01:23:33
i've got the heating i've got a cup of01:23:35
tea i've got an hour to listen to some i01:23:37
can talk to my kid i keep saying one and01:23:39
now to myself well here it is01:23:42
and i learned to stop doing that but01:23:44
when you said how are you a01:23:45
nightmare01:23:47
is torture what the traffic yeah the01:23:49
traffic the queue01:23:51
people keep ringing me the phone ringing01:23:53
it's torture well maybe if it didn't01:23:55
ring that might be worse01:23:57
some of my clients or models will say my01:23:59
life is hell because people look at me01:24:01
it's like really well one day they won't01:24:03
and then you might miss it if i get on a01:24:06
plane and guys hit on me it's a01:24:07
nightmare well put on a baseball hat and01:24:10
glasses readable01:24:11
then they'll leave you alone01:24:13
but that's not a nightmare it's just01:24:15
mildly inconvenient it's not hell right01:24:19
it's not killing you but we use these01:24:20
incredible words this is torture this is01:24:23
killing me this isn't like this is a01:24:24
disaster01:24:26
what is well i went to the bathroom and01:24:28
i forgot to pause my movie01:24:31
that's not a disaster but when you use01:24:32
those words because your mind can't01:24:34
differentiate to feel like it really is01:24:36
a disaster01:24:38
but on the flip side of this the01:24:39
beautiful part if we01:24:41
when we understand and appreciate that01:24:43
our thoughts01:24:44
yeah things yeah we can create the life01:24:48
of our dreams as well we can start to01:24:49
manifest our thoughts by by visualizing01:24:52
by telling ourselves what we want who we01:24:54
want to become yeah and taking those01:24:56
actions toward it we can manifest our01:24:58
dreams you really can you can stop being01:25:01
ill you can change the shape of your01:25:03
body you can change your digestion you01:25:06
can have physical things you can change01:25:08
the way you interact with your kids so01:25:10
here's a good example my kid is a01:25:12
nightmare change that to my child is01:25:14
age-appropriate there you go that's it01:25:17
this01:25:18
builders are going to go oh my god01:25:19
that's a disaster but a good buildup is01:25:22
a challenge when you said talking to01:25:24
girls is terrifying you just change that01:25:27
it's challenging but hey there's01:25:28
hundreds of girls out there there's a01:25:30
numbers game one will say yes01:25:32
and even if they say no the only risk in01:25:34
life is not to take the risk01:25:36
that's the risk if you don't say when01:25:38
you take the risk and it goes wrong you01:25:39
learn something it gives you feedback01:25:42
for how you show up differently next01:25:43
time my girlfriend's a doctor of01:25:44
physical therapy when she works on01:25:46
people01:25:48
she would agree with everything you're01:25:49
saying because people's bodies are so01:25:52
tight yeah of something they tore or01:25:54
something so sore01:25:57
but it's because they're holding on to01:25:58
something emotionally and she says once01:26:00
they start to talk their bodies relax01:26:02
their pain goes away01:26:04
yeah i know the pain where they can't01:26:06
lift their shoulder they can't turn01:26:07
their neck once they let it out their01:26:08
feelings yeah about their relationship01:26:11
or their insecurities or whatever it may01:26:12
be yeah that's when they have a01:26:14
pain-free body because the body keeps01:26:16
score the body holds on to pain and01:26:19
stress and tension and grief01:26:22
and we carry around all this stuff and01:26:24
yet we really don't have to if just more01:26:27
people knew01:26:28
even to say i'm enough every day01:26:32
and to say another of my favorite things01:26:34
to go is i'm choosing this and i'm01:26:35
choosing to feel great i'm choosing to01:26:37
work on my website or weekend i'm01:26:39
choosing to go to the gym i don't love01:26:41
it but i love having a six-pack i'm01:26:43
choosing to say no to krispy kreme01:26:45
doughnuts and yes to apples love krispy01:26:47
kremes do you i could eat 12 of them01:26:50
right now oh they're so good01:26:52
but i choose these yeah yeah and if you01:26:55
say i'm choosing to do this and choosing01:26:57
to feel great about it your mind has a01:26:59
very clear image the way you feel about01:27:01
everything is down to two things the01:27:03
pictures you make in your head01:27:05
and the words you say just if there's01:27:07
nothing else so if you choose to run01:27:09
going i'm running so i'm raising money01:27:12
for charity so i'm gonna complete this01:27:14
run01:27:15
even though my feet hurt my knee hurts01:27:17
because i'm going to raise money but you01:27:18
could run going oh i hate this it's so i01:27:20
could be at home watching netflix i01:27:21
haven't eaten and now my knee hurts and01:27:23
then you'll have to stop01:27:26
so when you keep saying i'm choosing01:27:29
yeah so if you're an olympic athlete you01:27:31
would choose to get up at 4am and train01:27:33
if you are a diabetic you choose to put01:27:36
a needle in your arm if you wear lenses01:27:38
you choose to jab your finger in your01:27:40
eye01:27:41
but you don't go i hate it01:27:43
i don't i can't accept it and i can't01:27:46
change it and when you say i'm choosing01:27:49
to study to work i want to go and talk01:27:52
to this girl i really like or to put01:27:54
good food in my body01:27:56
and i'm choosing to feel great about01:27:58
that too there is there is no resistance01:28:00
when you go i want doughnuts and i can't01:28:02
have them i got to eat this freaking01:28:03
rabbit food what your mind does is it01:28:05
increases the desire for donuts because01:28:08
you said i want doughnuts but i can't01:28:09
have them i want pizza i'm eating kale i01:28:12
can't have these but i choose to use01:28:14
pizza i can eat pizza every day when i'm01:28:16
95 i'm going to knock myself out with01:28:18
pizza but right now01:28:20
i actually want to look really good in01:28:21
my clothes maybe out of them too01:28:23
so i'll save the pizza when i'm 8001:28:26
because that door was probably shut then01:28:27
anyway then you can have loads of pizza01:28:29
every day but you have to reason with01:28:31
your mind and negotiate and your mind01:28:33
will always do what it thinks you want01:28:36
that's its job01:28:38
and if you could only tell your mind01:28:40
what you want using relevant01:28:42
up to the minute words you'll get01:28:44
exactly what you want what do you01:28:47
struggle with telling your mind is there01:28:49
anything that you01:28:51
um it took me a long time to tell my01:28:54
mind not to eat sugar i still look at it01:28:56
and it looks so nice that's me but um i01:28:59
still look at candy the other day i was01:29:01
really tired i went into a shop to get01:29:03
coffee and they had jars of jellies and01:29:05
i thought i could eat all of those all01:29:06
of it but i'm choosing not to and i just01:29:09
had the coffee so01:29:10
working out you know i we're on a01:29:12
schedule sometimes just finding the time01:29:15
to go to the gym or do yoga or making01:29:17
the time01:29:19
yeah that's probably the only two really01:29:22
eating healthy food all the time even on01:29:24
a plane01:29:25
even sometimes where there is no healthy01:29:28
food then you've got to wait01:29:30
and choosing to make myself excellent i01:29:32
don't want to but other than that01:29:34
nothing really because i'm i couldn't do01:29:36
what i do unless i was really good at01:29:38
dialoguing with my mind is my best01:29:40
friend it's my the best pa i've ever had01:29:43
and it does what i want because i give01:29:45
it clear instructions01:29:47
what do you say yourself on a daily01:29:48
basis is there like a process in the01:29:50
morning afternoon at night or what would01:29:52
it be like actually when i wake up the01:29:54
first thing i would say is i love my01:29:55
life01:29:56
i love my linen and i love my cup of tea01:30:00
i always wake up going i love my life01:30:02
and then when i make my girl love this01:30:04
tea01:30:05
i love the coffee i love the shower gel01:30:08
in my shower01:30:10
because i i really believe that if you01:30:12
can make your mind get excited by little01:30:15
things then01:30:16
big things every day is like christmas01:30:18
and i think when you wake up01:30:20
ugh what have i got today oh a world of01:30:23
stress i've got this this this this this01:30:25
so you should always wake up and go i01:30:27
love my life i'm alive in a free country01:30:30
i've got all this stuff to make tea01:30:32
and life is great so i do that01:30:36
the second thing i do is i tend to stay01:30:38
in bed and do all my emails because then01:30:39
i feel like i'm not working01:30:41
because i'm in bed propped up drinking01:30:43
my tea and i get all of that out of the01:30:45
way yes very relaxed more relaxed not01:30:48
stressed i try not to have to rush to go01:30:50
to waste but sometimes i do01:30:53
and um01:30:54
i mean i'm very lucky because i love01:30:55
what i do and i do i've always said you01:30:57
work really hard to go i've never worked01:30:59
a day in my life i don't know what that01:31:01
is i don't have to go where's my life is01:31:04
a weekend would say oh the week and i go01:31:07
what's a weekend i can take time off01:31:09
yeah i mean i love my job because i get01:31:12
to make such a difference01:31:14
so i don't really have much to moan01:31:15
about01:31:17
maybe communicating with my daughter is01:31:19
sometimes a challenge because i'm so01:31:21
positive that she occasionally wants me01:31:22
to be super negative why is that well i01:31:25
guess because you have to be the01:31:26
opposite of your parents so01:31:28
idaho is positive she's an artist and01:31:30
she does lots of negative statements on01:31:32
her paintings on her t-shirts because01:31:35
that's the deal you've got to be the01:31:37
opposite of your parents but i01:31:39
understand that01:31:40
but she's great but really i don't have01:31:43
much to complain about you have a01:31:44
positive conversation with yourself01:31:46
pretty much 24 7. yeah what about a01:31:48
nightly uh01:31:50
routine do you have a01:31:52
thoughts that you say to yourself01:31:53
um well you see for me i really believe01:31:56
that01:31:57
first it's what you do and then it's who01:32:00
you are so first you're doing it and01:32:01
then it's who you are and it's so who01:32:04
you are that it wouldn't occur to you to01:32:06
have to make yourself do it see i would01:32:08
never sit on the carousel my my case is01:32:11
lost i just know it it's all going to go01:32:13
wrong01:32:14
there's no cabs out there01:32:16
this is a horrible flight i now have a01:32:18
belief and it really excuse me that01:32:20
there's no such thing as being bored if01:32:22
my flight is late i mean i just get on01:32:24
my laptop on my phone i mean it's i have01:32:27
24 entertainment empty out my emails01:32:29
look at something the days of having to01:32:31
wait and being bored even waiting in the01:32:32
car01:32:33
my little phone is like everything books01:32:36
messages videos and so01:32:39
i love that i don't really mind about01:32:41
missing stuff and being late anymore01:32:44
in fact when i was last landing here two01:32:45
weeks ago i was hoping the premier01:32:47
league because i was so into this movie01:32:49
hopefully it's delayed yeah it was01:32:50
delayed when the pilot said we've got to01:32:52
go around with that that's so great01:32:54
that's exactly how long is left of this01:32:56
movie01:32:57
but i think it's important for people to01:32:59
understand that it isn't what you do01:33:02
it's a bit like people who say i've done01:33:04
yoga every day and now it's just my soul01:33:07
like meghan markle said that yoga is in01:33:10
my soul i don't do yoga yoga is part of01:33:13
my life it's like you don't say01:33:15
i walk my dog if you've had a dog for 2001:33:17
years just get up pick up the lead and01:33:19
it's it's who you are not what you do01:33:22
and so for me it really isn't what i do01:33:24
because it's so a part of me01:33:27
and i like it and so i'm quite lucky01:33:30
that i'm pretty happy01:33:31
and positive but i really do love my01:33:34
life and that's a good thing was there01:33:36
ever something in the last 10 years that01:33:38
questioned everything that you've done01:33:40
or that01:33:42
question your ability to say i love my01:33:43
life you know01:33:46
i did get very sick like a year ago and01:33:48
i thought wow how could that happen you01:33:50
know i'm so happy and positive and eat01:33:52
well so i was a bit surprised when i got01:33:55
sick01:33:56
but then i could go through that the01:33:58
same thing the thinking the belief i01:34:00
decided i'd focus on massive healing i01:34:03
kept telling my body that it was a01:34:05
cancer-fighting machine i was making all01:34:07
these nk killer cells and i did actually01:34:10
go home the next day i was on stage a01:34:12
week later and my doctor was like wow01:34:15
you become the poster girl for just01:34:17
going on with your life and now i look01:34:18
at one particular01:34:20
um01:34:21
youtuber thing that's so bizarre i had01:34:23
like major surgery just a week before01:34:25
that and you'd never know01:34:27
but um01:34:28
again it it's it's a belief i decided i01:34:31
do wellness01:34:32
i said the husband i need to go home i01:34:34
want and i went and i got away in bed i01:34:36
watched um ray donovan i thought this is01:34:38
it i'm doing wellness here i'm not going01:34:40
to lie in that bed where they keep01:34:41
trying to give you pills and i didn't01:34:43
feel any pain at all because i just kept01:34:45
telling my body to heal itself and then01:34:48
later i thought maybe it's good i got01:34:50
that because i can help other people and01:34:52
i go look you know01:34:54
it01:34:55
life throws stuff at you but you get to01:34:57
choose how to deal with it yeah and even01:35:00
then i noticed that i was very positive01:35:02
because i you know i had actually got01:35:04
womb cancer01:35:05
i don't know a stroke of luck to get01:35:06
wound cancer i don't need a womb it's01:35:08
done its job i've had a great kid i01:35:10
talked to my womb and said thanks for01:35:11
giving me this great kid but now i've01:35:13
got to get rid of you because i've got01:35:14
to stay here and raise this great kid01:35:16
and i thought that's good i mean imagine01:35:18
if you get brain cancer or bone cancer i01:35:20
felt very lucky it was a disposable01:35:22
organ they'd done a great job i didn't01:35:24
need it and so01:35:26
i think once you become like that it's01:35:28
just who you are so i never had oh my01:35:31
god i'm gonna die because i don't know01:35:32
i'm not going anywhere01:35:35
it is all perspective i mean01:35:38
i still you know people will say to me01:35:40
but i thought you were so healthy how01:35:42
could you get that as it turns out i01:35:44
have some that same gene that angelina01:35:46
jolie has but but then of course bruce01:35:49
lipton will tell you can turn off a gene01:35:51
you can you can mentally remove that01:35:53
gene so even with adversity because it's01:35:56
quite good in a way because people think01:35:58
oh your life's just you're like01:35:59
pollyanna just tripping along having a01:36:01
wonderful life that's not true i've01:36:03
still had adversity01:36:06
but01:36:07
your mind will always kick in when it's01:36:09
well trained you go this is a blip01:36:11
just it's just a blip just carry on and01:36:14
so you got to train your mind like you01:36:16
train a horse you know i say your mind's01:36:18
like a ferrari and if you've never done01:36:21
a ferrari it's going to go all over the01:36:22
place but if you have ferrari driving01:36:24
lessons you're going to run that ferrari01:36:27
the ferrari should not be running you if01:36:30
you get on a horse you've never ridden01:36:31
it's going to go everywhere but if you01:36:33
have some horse riding skills you say go01:36:35
there01:36:36
and it goes so i see my mind like a01:36:38
horse and i am the rider but i'm going01:36:41
to tell my mind where to go and it's01:36:43
going to do it and when you recognize01:36:44
that there's something that you can do01:36:45
that no one else can do which cut which01:36:47
is your mind it's what you're doing it's01:36:48
your perception then there's no envy or01:36:50
jealousy there's no desire to be like01:36:52
someone else competition goes because01:36:54
you can't be competed with because no01:36:57
one can do what you can do so everyone01:36:59
is in that same boat so suddenly now if01:37:01
you move from competition to enhancementDescription:
https://www.amazon.com/Greatness-Mindset-Unlock-Power-Today/dp/1401971903?language=en_US - Get my NEW book The Greatness Mindset today! https://info.lewishowes.com/newsletter?refid=youtube - Sign up for my FREE newsletter & get a dose of inspiration from our world-class guests, learn how to improve your life! https://info.lewishowes.com/newsletter?refid=youtube - Sign up for my FREE newsletter & get a dose of inspiration from our world-class guests, learn how to improve your life! Marisa Peer is the author of ‘I Am Enough’ and creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy®️(RTT). Marisa Peer is an English best-selling author, nutritionist, relationship therapist, hypnotherapist trainer, and motivational speaker. She is using hypnosis for anxiety, weight loss, addiction, and overcoming fear. She has spent over 30 years working with people including royalty, rock stars, actors, professional and Olympic athletes, CEOs and media personalities and has developed her own style that is frequently referred to as “life-changing.” Other than ‘I Am Enough’, Marisa Peer is also the author of ‘You Can Be Thin’, ‘Ultimate Confidence’, ‘Trying to Get Pregnant’ and ‘You Can Be Younger’. Her specialist subjects include: hypnosis, infertility (pregnancy), fears/ phobias, stage fright, low self-esteem, confidence/ self-esteem, weight loss, relationships, career, addictions and childhood problems. — If you’re ready to learn how to put yourself first and create an unbreakable form of self-love, then this episode is for you! I’m so excited to share it with you all. And now, let’s jump into Episode 1,213 of The School of Greatness. You can follow me at: Website: https://lewishowes.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Twitter: https://twitter.com/LewisHowes Instagram: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@lewis Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lewishowes/
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