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00:00:00
welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm
00:00:02
your host Stephen Colbert the nation
00:00:08
the nation is still reeling from
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yesterday's big story about former
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Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy seen
00:00:14
here saying hello monster.com
00:00:17
after just nine months of sucking at his
00:00:20
job McCarthy was stripped of the gavel
00:00:23
by eight members of his own party to
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make it even worse this all happened and
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this is true on National Kevin Day
00:00:36
wow there's a national Heaven day it
00:00:39
just what a way to honor it today of
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course again and this is true is
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National Taco day and National vodka day
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tacos and vodka or as Kevin McCarthy
00:00:49
called them this morning breakfast
00:00:52
following the vote
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following this historic vote a defeated
00:00:58
McCarthy held a press conference that
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can only be described as one hour long
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and
00:01:06
just would not end and he started like
00:01:10
this President Abraham Lincoln once said
00:01:12
I'm an optimist because I don't see any
00:01:14
other way
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is he sure that's really from Lincoln
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and not a
00:01:19
crocheted pillow on Etsy
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as Winston Churchill said it's wine
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o'clock somewhere
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McCarthy
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McCarthy also waxed nostalgic about his
00:01:33
start in politics I opened up the local
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paper and said be a summer intern in
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Washington DC with my local congressman
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I did not know this man but I thought
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he'd be lucky to have me so I applied
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you know what he did he turned me down
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but you want to know the end of the
00:01:47
story I got elected to a seat I couldn't
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get an internship for I ended up being
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the 55th Speaker of the House turns out
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that's actually not the end of the story
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I'd love to see Kevin McCarthy do movie
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Recaps Titanic beautiful boat so cool
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that it's Unsinkable can't wait to see
00:02:06
what hijinks Jack and Rose get up to in
00:02:08
the sequel
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remember
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remember me too Titanic two right
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wouldn't that be fantastic
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remember the only reason that these
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eight Republicans were able to get rid
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of McCarthy in the first place is that
00:02:24
back when he was struggling desperately
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after 15 failed votes to get enough
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votes cobbled together to become speaker
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the hardliners got McCarthy to agree to
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a rule that allows any one lawmaker in
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the house to call up a vote to eject him
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so I mean obviously McCarthy can't blame
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anybody but himself
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is what I thought meet today was a
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political decision by the Democrats
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really
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you handed a straight razor to the
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craziest most selfish nihilist in the
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entire magamob and said just hold this
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to my neck and if I say or do one thing
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you don't like just slice away
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and you're blaming the Democrats it
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reminds me of that iconic scene in Jaws
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this was a political decision from the
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Democrats but
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yes
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but he had a lot of blame for a lot of
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people that aren't him which led one CNN
00:03:30
commentator to give his press conference
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this review and I just kept thinking
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about Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame
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speech like from a few years ago he just
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went after everybody throughout his
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entire life whoever did him wrong and it
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seemed like McCarthy was circling around
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to the same thing that is a perfect
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comparison if Michael Jordan had been
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the worst basketball player of all time
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and had been cut nine months in
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to his career at UNC
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yesterday's slide down Chaos Mountain
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into Insanity River at the bottom of
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dumbass Canyon was
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sherpaed by one man Florida Republican
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and
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and Bob's Big Boy Who sells Molly in the
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club bathroom
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Matt Gates despite getting exactly what
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he asked for Gates was in a reflective
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mode the stages of grief I think are in
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progress right now with some of my
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colleagues I think there was a stage of
00:04:31
denial and I've certainly experienced a
00:04:33
good amount of their anger and now we
00:04:35
appear to be headed toward bargaining it
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is so so rare to get lectured about
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grief by the murderer
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there there sh let it out it's healthy
00:04:45
to cry by the way do you have a tarp I
00:04:47
can roll your corpse up in
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[Applause]
00:04:51
dates that's him not me that's him
00:04:53
[Applause]
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I mean Gates isn't wrong though his
00:05:01
colleagues are definitely gopieved
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including Louisiana rep and John Boehner
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rookie card
00:05:10
Garrett Graves Graves went after gates
00:05:13
for sending fundraising texts while he
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was in the act of attacking his own
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party
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keep wondering what is going on and all
00:05:20
of a sudden my phone keeps sending text
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messages
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text messages saying hey give me money
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oh look at that oh look give me money I
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filed the motion to vacate
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using official actions official actions
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to raise money it's disgusting and if
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you think it's disgusting then send ten
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dollars today to disgusting pack you
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know our slogan ooh this slogan sucks
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come on come on
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give me your money
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I don't know
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no matter my cope
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[Applause]
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but Gates did not back down from his
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proud douchery when it comes to how
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those raise money
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I take no lecture on asking patriotic
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Americans to weigh in and contribute to
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this fight from those who would grovel
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and bend knee for the lobbyists in
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special interests who own our leadership
00:06:23
who have oh boo all you want
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okay
00:06:30
[Applause]
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it was very generous of it
00:06:40
meanwhile over in the Senate even the
00:06:43
GOP senators are mocking the dysfunction
00:06:45
in the house take for instance Louisiana
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Senator John Kennedy who said this I got
00:06:50
a new strap home strap-on harness today
00:06:55
I can't wait to put it on you
00:06:58
it will fit my favorite dildo perfect
00:07:01
I'm sorry
00:07:04
sorry uh it's ROM clip actually not
00:07:07
sorry but still wrong clip
00:07:09
I meant to show you this one from
00:07:11
yesterday I don't have a lot of advice
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for my house colleagues
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other than this
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um
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follow your heart
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but take your brain with you I'd also
00:07:25
advise all of my house colleagues to be
00:07:28
sure and take their meds
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[Applause]
00:07:34
because you're gonna need them after you
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see my new strap on
00:07:41
[Music]
00:07:43
it's got a little dog legs here
00:07:47
the point is it's a hot mess
00:07:51
McCarthy's out and he was immediately
00:07:53
replaced by acting speaker and star of
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old Sheldon
00:08:00
Patrick McHenry you of course remember
00:08:02
Patrick mchenry's famous quote Give me
00:08:05
liberty or give me mcdeath
00:08:08
last night McHenry stepped up to the
00:08:10
speaker's Podium and showed just how he
00:08:12
intends to wield that gavel the chair
00:08:14
declares the house from Recess subject
00:08:16
to the call of the chair
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damn
00:08:23
that boy that boy brought the hammer
00:08:26
down I wonder I wonder why Jim is is
00:08:29
there any more of that footage chair
00:08:30
declares the house from Recess subject
00:08:32
to the call of the chair
00:08:42
that's nice oh he won a million
00:08:46
but
00:08:48
here's the thing McHenry won't be
00:08:50
speaker for long when Congress gets back
00:08:53
in session they'll immediately hold a
00:08:54
new speakership election right now the
00:08:56
top contenders are guys you'd expect
00:08:58
House Majority Leader Steve scalise and
00:09:00
Judiciary chair Jim Jordan but
00:09:03
[Applause]
00:09:04
they're facing potential Challengers
00:09:06
like House Majority Whip Tom emmer and
00:09:09
Oklahoma representative Kevin Hearn who
00:09:11
are known by the collective name
00:09:15
now it might not be any of those guys
00:09:17
because according to the Constitution
00:09:19
the speaker of the house doesn't
00:09:21
technically have to be a sitting member
00:09:23
of Congress so naturally like a turd in
00:09:27
a hot tub one name has floated to the
00:09:30
surface
00:09:31
according to Fox News House Republicans
00:09:33
are trying to draft Trump as Speaker of
00:09:36
the House
00:09:38
don't worry there's no way he can be
00:09:41
drafted he's got the bone spurs hey the
00:09:45
former president himself weighed in
00:09:47
today and he's not ruling it out
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oh well then um slather yourself in
00:09:59
Honey and let the fire ants have at you
00:10:11
all right
00:10:15
Republicans aren't the only ones dealing
00:10:16
with chaos there's also a scandal
00:10:18
brewing in the white house because we
00:10:20
just learned that Biden's dog bit a
00:10:23
secret service officer that's right we
00:10:25
have breaking news
00:10:27
dog bites man
00:10:29
[Applause]
00:10:30
it's not the first time Biden's dog
00:10:32
Commander has had the taste for human
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flesh
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this is believed to be the 11th such
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incident since he entered the White
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House what does Commander have against
00:10:41
the president's bodyguards Jim do we
00:10:43
have a picture of the Secret Service age
00:10:45
okay that makes sense
00:10:47
that's a bad show it's a bad choice for
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a bodyguard there may be another
00:10:50
explanation for Commander's anti-law
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enforcement bias because according to
00:10:54
experts it's possible Commander is
00:10:56
biting Secret Service agents because of
00:10:58
their unfriendly Expressions huh I don't
00:11:01
know why they wouldn't look friendlier
00:11:03
they have such a nice life all right
00:11:04
welcome aboard basically your job is to
00:11:06
stand around in silence until it's your
00:11:08
turn to jump in front of a bullet and
00:11:10
don't forget to smile or that dog will
00:11:12
bite your nards off okay keep it alive
00:11:15
keep it light
00:11:18
he smells fear and nards
00:11:24
in another incident the agent said that
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he felt the need to hoist up the chair
00:11:28
he was sitting on to use as a shield
00:11:30
when Commander began barking at him from
00:11:33
the top of a White House staircase you
00:11:35
can see it all in the classic Thriller
00:11:37
in the line of fur
00:11:39
we got a great show for you tonight
00:11:41
[Applause]
00:11:45
my tech segment
00:11:50
[Applause]
00:11:52
[Music]

Description:

Former Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy took aim at Democrats at a press conference following his ouster, and Stephen has a theory about Commander Biden's behavior at the White House. Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMtFAi84ehTSYSE9XoHefig?sub_confirmation=1 Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": https://www.cbs.com/shows/the-late-show-with-stephen-colbert/video/ Listen to "The Late Show Pod Show" podcast: https://link.chtbl.com/Awagtx95?sid=yt Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Follow "The Late Show" on X: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- Stephen Colbert brings his signature satire and comedy to THE LATE SHOW with STEPHEN COLBERT, the #1 show in late night, where he talks with an eclectic mix of guests about what is new and relevant in the worlds of politics, entertainment, business, music, technology and more. Featuring bandleader Louis Cato and “THE LATE SHOW band,” the Peabody Award-winning and Emmy Award-nominated show is broadcast from the historic Ed Sullivan Theater. Stephen Colbert took over as host, executive producer and writer of THE LATE SHOW on Sept. 8, 2015.

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