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McCarthy Blames Democrats

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Matt Gates

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John Kennedy

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Bidens Dog

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00:00:00

welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm

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your host Stephen Colbert the nation

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the nation is still reeling from

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yesterday's big story about former

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Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy seen

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here saying hello monster.com

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after just nine months of sucking at his

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job McCarthy was stripped of the gavel

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by eight members of his own party to

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make it even worse this all happened and

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this is true on National Kevin Day

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wow there's a national Heaven day it

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just what a way to honor it today of

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course again and this is true is

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National Taco day and National vodka day

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tacos and vodka or as Kevin McCarthy

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called them this morning breakfast

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following the vote

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following this historic vote a defeated

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McCarthy held a press conference that

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can only be described as one hour long

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and

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just would not end and he started like

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this President Abraham Lincoln once said

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I'm an optimist because I don't see any

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other way

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is he sure that's really from Lincoln

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and not a

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crocheted pillow on Etsy

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as Winston Churchill said it's wine

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o'clock somewhere

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McCarthy

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McCarthy also waxed nostalgic about his

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start in politics I opened up the local

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paper and said be a summer intern in

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Washington DC with my local congressman

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I did not know this man but I thought

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he'd be lucky to have me so I applied

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you know what he did he turned me down

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but you want to know the end of the

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story I got elected to a seat I couldn't

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get an internship for I ended up being

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the 55th Speaker of the House turns out

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that's actually not the end of the story

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I'd love to see Kevin McCarthy do movie

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Recaps Titanic beautiful boat so cool

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that it's Unsinkable can't wait to see

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what hijinks Jack and Rose get up to in

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the sequel

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remember

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remember me too Titanic two right

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wouldn't that be fantastic

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remember the only reason that these

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eight Republicans were able to get rid

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of McCarthy in the first place is that

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back when he was struggling desperately

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after 15 failed votes to get enough

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votes cobbled together to become speaker

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the hardliners got McCarthy to agree to

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a rule that allows any one lawmaker in

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the house to call up a vote to eject him

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so I mean obviously McCarthy can't blame

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anybody but himself

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is what I thought meet today was a

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political decision by the Democrats

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really

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you handed a straight razor to the

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craziest most selfish nihilist in the

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entire magamob and said just hold this

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to my neck and if I say or do one thing

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you don't like just slice away

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and you're blaming the Democrats it

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reminds me of that iconic scene in Jaws

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this was a political decision from the

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Democrats but

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yes

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but he had a lot of blame for a lot of

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people that aren't him which led one CNN

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commentator to give his press conference

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this review and I just kept thinking

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about Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame

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speech like from a few years ago he just

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went after everybody throughout his

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entire life whoever did him wrong and it

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seemed like McCarthy was circling around

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to the same thing that is a perfect

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comparison if Michael Jordan had been

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the worst basketball player of all time

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and had been cut nine months in

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to his career at UNC

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yesterday's slide down Chaos Mountain

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into Insanity River at the bottom of

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dumbass Canyon was

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sherpaed by one man Florida Republican

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and

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and Bob's Big Boy Who sells Molly in the

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club bathroom

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Matt Gates despite getting exactly what

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he asked for Gates was in a reflective

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mode the stages of grief I think are in

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progress right now with some of my

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colleagues I think there was a stage of

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denial and I've certainly experienced a

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good amount of their anger and now we

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appear to be headed toward bargaining it

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is so so rare to get lectured about

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grief by the murderer

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there there sh let it out it's healthy

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to cry by the way do you have a tarp I

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can roll your corpse up in

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[Applause]

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dates that's him not me that's him

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[Applause]

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I mean Gates isn't wrong though his

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colleagues are definitely gopieved

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including Louisiana rep and John Boehner

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rookie card

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Garrett Graves Graves went after gates

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for sending fundraising texts while he

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was in the act of attacking his own

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party

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keep wondering what is going on and all

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of a sudden my phone keeps sending text

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messages

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text messages saying hey give me money

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oh look at that oh look give me money I

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filed the motion to vacate

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using official actions official actions

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to raise money it's disgusting and if

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you think it's disgusting then send ten

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dollars today to disgusting pack you

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know our slogan ooh this slogan sucks

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come on come on

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give me your money

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I don't know

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no matter my cope

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[Applause]

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but Gates did not back down from his

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proud douchery when it comes to how

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those raise money

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I take no lecture on asking patriotic

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Americans to weigh in and contribute to

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this fight from those who would grovel

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and bend knee for the lobbyists in

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special interests who own our leadership

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who have oh boo all you want

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okay

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[Applause]

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it was very generous of it

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meanwhile over in the Senate even the

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GOP senators are mocking the dysfunction

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in the house take for instance Louisiana

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Senator John Kennedy who said this I got

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a new strap home strap-on harness today

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I can't wait to put it on you

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it will fit my favorite dildo perfect

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I'm sorry

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sorry uh it's ROM clip actually not

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sorry but still wrong clip

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I meant to show you this one from

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yesterday I don't have a lot of advice

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for my house colleagues

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other than this

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um

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follow your heart

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but take your brain with you I'd also

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advise all of my house colleagues to be

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sure and take their meds

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[Applause]

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because you're gonna need them after you

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see my new strap on

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[Music]

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it's got a little dog legs here

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the point is it's a hot mess

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McCarthy's out and he was immediately

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replaced by acting speaker and star of

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old Sheldon

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Patrick McHenry you of course remember

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Patrick mchenry's famous quote Give me

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liberty or give me mcdeath

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last night McHenry stepped up to the

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speaker's Podium and showed just how he

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intends to wield that gavel the chair

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declares the house from Recess subject

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to the call of the chair

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damn

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that boy that boy brought the hammer

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down I wonder I wonder why Jim is is

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there any more of that footage chair

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declares the house from Recess subject

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to the call of the chair

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that's nice oh he won a million

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but

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here's the thing McHenry won't be

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speaker for long when Congress gets back

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in session they'll immediately hold a

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new speakership election right now the

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top contenders are guys you'd expect

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House Majority Leader Steve scalise and

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Judiciary chair Jim Jordan but

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[Applause]

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they're facing potential Challengers

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like House Majority Whip Tom emmer and

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Oklahoma representative Kevin Hearn who

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are known by the collective name

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now it might not be any of those guys

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because according to the Constitution

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the speaker of the house doesn't

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technically have to be a sitting member

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of Congress so naturally like a turd in

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a hot tub one name has floated to the

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surface

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according to Fox News House Republicans

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are trying to draft Trump as Speaker of

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the House

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don't worry there's no way he can be

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drafted he's got the bone spurs hey the

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former president himself weighed in

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today and he's not ruling it out

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oh well then um slather yourself in

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Honey and let the fire ants have at you

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all right

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Republicans aren't the only ones dealing

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with chaos there's also a scandal

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brewing in the white house because we

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just learned that Biden's dog bit a

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secret service officer that's right we

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have breaking news

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dog bites man

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[Applause]

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it's not the first time Biden's dog

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Commander has had the taste for human

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flesh

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this is believed to be the 11th such

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incident since he entered the White

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House what does Commander have against

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the president's bodyguards Jim do we

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have a picture of the Secret Service age

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okay that makes sense

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that's a bad show it's a bad choice for

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a bodyguard there may be another

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explanation for Commander's anti-law

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enforcement bias because according to

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experts it's possible Commander is

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biting Secret Service agents because of

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their unfriendly Expressions huh I don't

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know why they wouldn't look friendlier

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they have such a nice life all right

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welcome aboard basically your job is to

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stand around in silence until it's your

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turn to jump in front of a bullet and

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don't forget to smile or that dog will

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bite your nards off okay keep it alive

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keep it light

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he smells fear and nards

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in another incident the agent said that

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he felt the need to hoist up the chair

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he was sitting on to use as a shield

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when Commander began barking at him from

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the top of a White House staircase you

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can see it all in the classic Thriller

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in the line of fur

00:11:39

we got a great show for you tonight

00:11:41

[Applause]

00:11:45

my tech segment

00:11:50

[Applause]

00:11:52

[Music]

Description:

Former Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy took aim at Democrats at a press conference following his ouster, and Stephen has a theory about Commander Biden's behavior at the White House. Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMtFAi84ehTSYSE9XoHefig?sub_confirmation=1 Watch full episodes of "The Late Show": https://www.cbs.com/shows/the-late-show-with-stephen-colbert/video/ Listen to "The Late Show Pod Show" podcast: https://link.chtbl.com/Awagtx95?sid=yt Like "The Late Show" on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Follow "The Late Show" on X: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG Follow "The Late Show" on Instagram: https://www.facebook.com/unsupportedbrowser Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. --- Stephen Colbert brings his signature satire and comedy to THE LATE SHOW with STEPHEN COLBERT, the #1 show in late night, where he talks with an eclectic mix of guests about what is new and relevant in the worlds of politics, entertainment, business, music, technology and more. Featuring bandleader Louis Cato and “THE LATE SHOW band,” the Peabody Award-winning and Emmy Award-nominated show is broadcast from the historic Ed Sullivan Theater. Stephen Colbert took over as host, executive producer and writer of THE LATE SHOW on Sept. 8, 2015.

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