Download "Suddenly Susan S01E03 The Best Laid Plans"
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Video tags
Subtitles
Russian
00:00:00
all right everybody check your00:00:02
inhibitions at the door it is time to00:00:03
put together questions for our annual00:00:05
sex00:00:06
survey annual we just did one 3 months00:00:09
ago well apparently sex is not the00:00:11
passing FB that we all thought so let's00:00:14
jump on the bandwagon let's sell some00:00:16
magazines I want it juicy I want it hot00:00:18
but I want it printable fine tie my00:00:20
hands behind my back ooh Good Start hey00:00:24
Jack do we really have to do one of00:00:25
those sex surveys they're always so00:00:26
cheesy a little uncomfortable are we no00:00:30
not at all oh right I am not in fact I00:00:35
will even00:00:36
start how many times a week do you and00:00:39
your significant other share00:00:43
intimacy share intimacy please someone00:00:45
hes down Jane Austin over00:00:47
here okay Little Miss potty mouth how00:00:50
would you say it doing it getting some00:00:53
wild F the horizontal hokey00:00:56
pokei oh my God he in KU we used to00:01:03
say roughly translates into that poke00:01:18
[Music]00:01:24
[Music]00:01:28
one00:01:31
[Music]00:01:37
[Applause]00:01:41
okay people more questions here's one00:01:43
what foods turn you on strawberries00:01:45
dipped in dark chocolate question Susan00:01:48
question yeah right right where do you00:01:50
like to be kissed oh00:01:52
here and then like down across over here00:01:56
just a little oh this is nice too yeah00:01:59
you know when you and they start off00:02:00
slowly like you know like nibbling it00:02:03
first and then it gradually grows into00:02:06
steamy want and passionate molten for00:02:09
the love of God get to a n before you00:02:11
explode what wow if you could do that00:02:14
over the phone you'd be00:02:16
rich Jack you wanted the questions to be00:02:18
titilating I was just trying to00:02:21
tiate it's working for me admit it00:02:24
you're frustrated and why shouldn't you00:02:25
be you're a healthy woman who hasn't00:02:27
been molten with anyone since you dumped00:02:28
Richie Rich at the altar hey do you mind00:02:31
that is my brother you're talking about00:02:33
and in the future I would like you to00:02:34
call him by his proper name Jug Head now00:02:38
I have to return some phone calls and I00:02:39
want that on my desk by00:02:42
3:0000:02:45
good oh uh here's one is it true that00:02:48
chewing ice is a sign of sexual00:02:50
frustration oh come on that is such a00:02:53
cliche just because something is a00:02:55
cliche doesn't mean it's not true that00:02:57
would also go for obsessively twirling00:02:59
one's hair00:03:02
you know if anyone in here has a problem00:03:04
it's you guys you're just projecting00:03:05
your feelings onto00:03:07
me not00:03:09
me please you might as well rent a00:03:11
sandwich board that says I'm a big tall00:03:13
horny00:03:15
girl excuse me Vicky I don't think it's00:03:17
that simple I think Susan is a kind of00:03:19
woman who Longs for a much deeper00:03:20
connection an emotional one I mean she00:03:22
needs companionship and she needs00:03:24
romance she needs to hug the trans00:03:26
americ building and hope for an00:03:28
earthquake jeez what do you guys say00:03:31
about me when I'm not here be pretty00:03:34
much the same stuff I will have you all00:03:36
know that I am absolutely fine the way I00:03:38
am true I'm not in a relationship for00:03:41
the first time in my entire adult life00:03:44
but that has not created frustration if00:03:46
anything it has created a greater sense00:03:47
of peace freedom and personal00:03:49
fulfillment very good now if the judges00:03:51
will combine that with her evening gone00:03:53
and swim stop competition00:03:56
scores oh wait till we get to the talent00:03:58
portion the part where I beat your over00:03:59
the head with my flaming00:04:01
baton okay people we have a little00:04:04
problem the Magnificent 1959 Jersey00:04:08
jofen boxing gloves that were sitting on00:04:09
my shelf seem to have been00:04:12
borrowed now I am not insinuating00:04:15
anything and I am not accusing00:04:18
anyone but if those gloves are not on my00:04:23
shelf by tomorrow00:04:24
morning no more Rosie O'Donnell00:04:28
breaks let's just00:04:31
mean Jersey jofen was legendary for his00:04:34
ability to take a punch no matter how00:04:37
many times you knocked him down he00:04:38
always got back up and a day doesn't go00:04:40
by that I don't look to those gloves and00:04:42
pray for the same kind of Courage I had00:04:45
no idea you took the stress of the00:04:46
magazine so hard I'm not talking about00:04:48
the magazine I'm talking about my00:04:51
marriage and I want those gloves00:04:57
back what are we supposed to do search00:04:59
the bill building well we might as well00:05:00
look around I've got to get some more00:05:02
ice anyway00:05:04
oh I'm hot00:05:07
mhm thirsty00:05:10
hot just get off my back00:05:13
okay real00:05:17
mature was ridiculous I wouldn't stop00:05:19
talking about it if nobody has anything00:05:21
else better to think about but my sex00:05:23
life sweetheart what sex00:05:26
life why does everybody think that I00:05:29
have got had a problem huh well for one00:05:31
thing you're about to gnaw right through00:05:33
that chicken bone and into your00:05:36
fingers all right well maybe I'm just a00:05:39
little bit lonely I mean I like to be on00:05:41
my own but eating weat checks over the00:05:44
kitchen sink every Saturday night is not00:05:46
as alluring as it sounds so get out00:05:49
there and circulate Nana the last thing00:05:51
that I want to do is get back into a00:05:53
relationship why is it always All or00:05:55
Nothing with you you don't have to go00:05:57
directly from hi I'm Susan to let's pick00:06:00
out a China00:06:01
pattern but it always seems to be that00:06:03
way with me it's like I lose myself in00:06:06
relationships that's what happened with00:06:08
Kip I don't want it to happen again it's00:06:10
not going to happen again you're not the00:06:12
same person you were with Kip all right00:06:14
let's just say that I was ready to start00:06:16
again I don't even think that I'd know00:06:17
where to go I mean I'm no good at bars00:06:20
I'm a little too old for the roller00:06:22
rink there are a lot of places to go00:06:25
join a gym go to the00:06:27
laundromat put on a cute little sweater00:06:29
and stand in the frozen food section of00:06:31
the00:06:33
supermarket Nana you've been married for00:06:35
40 years how do you know all this stuff00:06:37
more importantly why you should read the00:06:40
sex surveys in your own magazine my00:06:43
friend Bernice met a lovely man buying00:06:45
toaster waffles and now they're living00:06:47
in00:06:49
Florida I am not going to go to the00:06:51
supermarket and play Lego00:06:54
myo well I'm sorry but I'm afraid00:06:57
there's only one other option I can00:06:58
think of what is it take hold of the00:07:01
controls and fly00:07:06
solo00:07:08
n you know I really like the closeness00:07:11
that we have but can we stop talking00:07:13
now sweetheart you're just uncomfortable00:07:16
with your sexuality no Nana I'm00:07:19
uncomfortable with00:07:22
yours Vicki how'd you like to be my00:07:25
companion on an exploration of the San00:07:27
Francisco dating scene00:07:30
it's00:07:31
Susan Susan Kean from the office now cut00:07:35
it00:07:37
out well the laundr mat was a real wash00:07:40
out you said that three times in the car00:07:42
it's still not00:07:44
funny besides this was your idea it was00:07:47
not it was Nana's Susan no offense but00:07:49
are you aware that Nana is another word00:07:51
for00:07:53
grandmother now it's my turn okay take a00:07:55
lesson from the master Where Do We Begin00:07:58
well depends on what kind of guy I were00:07:59
looking for let's see self-help too00:08:02
needy Russian literature Moody Martha00:08:05
Stewart hello00:08:07
Mary no no we want to focus on guys in00:08:10
travel investment you know guys that pay00:08:12
for full priced hardbacks all right well00:08:15
Ready Set00:08:18
brows oh good God we're in science00:08:20
fiction quick00:08:23
run00:08:26
hello hi say there you're a tall as a00:08:29
Wookie aren't00:08:33
you well thank you are you here for the00:08:36
DeForest Kelly book00:08:38
signing you bet you uh live long00:08:41
[Laughter]00:08:45
Prosper00:08:57
Todd hey00:09:02
what are you doing here Todd nothing00:09:05
just uh picking up the nishia saltwater00:09:07
Sports00:09:11
fisherman nice00:09:14
ears all right look if you must know I'm00:09:16
doing an article on this whole trekky00:09:18
Obsession Todd Todd he's here bones is00:09:25
here be right00:09:28
there I'm actually pretending to be one00:09:30
of them come on I can't hold your place00:09:36
forever got to00:09:40
go Todd you dropped an00:09:48
ear Where Have You Been there's is Brad00:09:50
Pit lookalike in architecture I think I00:09:52
just lost him with some Bimbo in health00:09:53
and00:09:54
fitness I don't know Vicki I just don't00:09:56
think this is working excuse me00:09:59
do you know where the Travel section00:10:03
is I believe my friend was just there00:10:06
weren't you00:10:07
Susan yes I believe it's on Isle00:10:11
4 hey thanks00:10:14
thanks so you planning a trip oh you00:10:17
know just a little getaway oh that00:10:19
sounds nice yeah so uh do you and your00:10:23
husband travel oh I'm not married do you00:10:26
and your wife travel I'm not married00:10:32
either by the way uh I'm Craig I'm Susan00:10:35
I'm00:10:38
leaving oh are you being paged no it's00:10:41
just this uh damn ankle00:10:48
bracelet see I'm only supposed to be00:10:50
able to go from home to work and work to00:10:52
home so if you stop off at a bookstore00:10:53
you've committed a whole another00:10:56
crime oh well uh it was nice meeting you00:10:58
Craig good luck uh with your getaway00:11:00
trip00:11:01
whatever no it wasn't a big crime you00:11:04
know for the record I I I can hardly see00:11:07
without my glasses you know certainly00:11:09
not well enough to identify someone in00:11:10
let's say a00:11:13
lineup excuse me00:11:19
ma'am well that was a delightful evening00:11:22
hey you know maybe tonight we can take00:11:23
our leftover quarters from the00:11:25
laundromat and go to the arcade and see00:11:27
if Mr Wright's playing ski ball00:11:30
jeez you had one bad night pull up a00:11:32
chair you're sitting in the living room00:11:33
of my00:11:34
life okay people it is almost noon and00:11:37
not only are my Jersey joini boxing00:11:40
gloves still at large but somebody has00:11:41
taken my stapler I cannot believe you're00:11:43
so worried about your silly Ms when00:11:45
there are those of us with real problems00:11:47
at least you have someone to go home to00:11:49
thanks like I wasn't depressed00:11:52
enough wow he's even worse off than we00:11:54
are I feel00:11:57
better well I don't00:12:00
is that what I've got to look forward to00:12:01
he met someone fell in love they got00:12:03
married only to find out they don't even00:12:04
like each other well maybe the key is to00:12:06
fall in love with someone you already00:12:07
like you00:12:10
[Music]00:12:17
think I cannot date someone from the00:12:19
Starfleet command I mean they go away00:12:21
forever that when they come back they00:12:23
haven't aged a bit and you're00:12:25
90 Susan Vicki you must see these I just00:12:28
received the picture of GMO the child00:12:30
life sponsoring Guatemala is he not00:12:32
adorable he's wearing the roller blades00:12:34
I sent00:12:35
him well I don't see any roller blades00:12:38
that's because there's no pavement and00:12:39
he sinks into the00:12:41
mud you're so00:12:46
sweet so Louise no little muddy GMO yes00:12:50
Louise you can't be serious why not he's00:12:53
a friend a very handsome friend he likes00:12:56
you you like him all right oh come on00:12:59
like you haven't thought about it once00:13:00
or twice those cheekbones those00:13:03
eyelashes those black jeans no forget it00:13:07
I I I can't why not no I just couldn't00:13:09
Vicky all right yeah you're probably00:13:11
right forget about it bad00:13:14
idea hi Louise um Susan is going to have00:13:18
a get together tonight at her place yeah00:13:20
don't mention it though cuz not00:13:21
everyone's invited should they bring00:13:23
anything here just your appetite00:13:27
okay00:13:30
[Applause]00:13:35
[Music]00:13:43
[Laughter]00:13:47
there's a00:13:50
[Laughter]00:13:54
second hello how are you hey Lou Hi00:13:57
listen I brought you a beautiful from00:13:59
Northern Spain is fantastic you can00:14:00
serve this with anything the only thing00:14:02
is I should probably open it now because00:14:03
it should breathe a little00:14:06
bit well it's got to breathe yes yes I00:14:09
also brought a little salsa music so we00:14:10
can get this thing going a little00:14:13
later you should probably roll up this00:14:15
carpet oh you know okay that's a great00:14:17
idea but maybe just one little thing um00:14:19
why are you here oh no am I early for00:14:22
what the party rcky said it was at 800:14:24
it's now 8:15 I am fashionably late no00:14:26
one else is here you have peanut butter00:14:27
on your face and there no party is there00:14:30
is no party Lise I'm sorry no no00:14:32
actually it's a relief I was starting to00:14:34
feel horribly00:14:40
[Music]00:14:50
overdressed what the hell are you doing00:14:51
you nearly gave me a heart attack I'm00:14:53
calling security what do you mean you're00:14:55
calling security this is my office I'll00:14:57
call security and what what are you00:14:58
doing with that00:15:01
photograph dusting00:15:03
it and you couldn't dust it on the desk00:15:06
I'm thorough I want my gloves back what00:15:09
gloves uh those gloves right there on00:15:11
your00:15:12
cart all right00:15:16
Columbo I was bringing them back anyway00:15:19
I don't need them anymore need them for00:15:22
what well if you must know that's me in00:15:24
that picture that's not you that's00:15:28
Jersey00:15:29
and he's been dead for 18 years I know00:15:31
that I went to his funeral I'm the other00:15:33
guy the ref no the bloody00:15:40
pool so Vicky thought that you and I00:15:44
should I know it it's so funny no no no00:15:47
it's the most ridiculous thing I heard00:15:49
in my life no00:15:51
no why is it so ridiculous I really do00:15:53
not00:15:56
know you think about that you know we00:15:58
are really good friends yes we are do00:16:02
respect each other we certainly do it's00:16:05
not question I I find you00:16:08
attractive as I00:16:12
you there only one problem what's that00:16:17
you're what does that mean it means00:16:22
you're you can't think of being that way00:16:24
you00:16:25
know how do I look like the virgin00:16:28
mother in some paintings00:16:32
yes you're like my sister okay but00:16:34
you're not exactly like my sister I mean00:16:36
she's a bus driver in Havana and she has00:16:38
a slightly heavier beard than I00:16:42
do yeah that's me your basic combination00:16:45
Mother of God Harry bus00:16:47
driver come on Louise we're friends we00:16:50
should be able to talk about this all00:16:52
right all right all right all right00:16:54
let's let's just suppose for the sake of00:16:55
argument that you and I were to uh00:16:58
explore this00:17:00
possibility what exactly would we do oh00:17:04
yeah I suppose we would uh spend the00:17:06
evening together and get to know each00:17:07
other we already know each other yeah00:17:11
yeah that that's true we do00:17:16
so well I I guess we would um move on to00:17:20
the next00:17:21
step which00:17:24
is fluffer Nutter thank you very00:17:27
much00:17:29
all these years I was convinced those00:17:30
gloves were doctor I saw them I thought00:17:32
i' checked for myself and were they no I00:17:35
was just a lowy00:17:37
boxing okay so I understand about the00:17:40
gloves but what I don't get is why you00:17:42
took my stapler oh I accidentally00:17:45
knocked it off and it broke so I bought00:17:46
you another one oh God could you make me00:17:49
feel any worse yeah 200 years of00:17:56
Oppression that'll do it00:17:59
look why don't you just fire me and get00:18:01
it over with oh I'm not going to fire00:18:03
you why not well let's just say I know00:18:06
something about getting knocked around00:18:08
you a fighter no I'm00:18:12
married I've been there that's tougher00:18:14
than the ring oh00:18:18
yeah look why don't you keep the00:18:21
gloves no that wouldn't be right why not00:18:25
I didn't earn them well how do you like00:18:28
another00:18:31
chance that's00:18:33
delicious is there anymore I think we've00:18:36
eaten everything maybe I should go to00:18:38
the00:18:39
store L this is ridiculous you're right00:18:42
if we truly want to know if there's00:18:43
anything here there's only one way to00:18:45
find out I agree maybe we should move00:18:47
into the living room yes good00:18:54
idea should we yes yes I think we00:18:57
should you prefer the the right or the00:18:59
left oh I can go other way as can I then00:19:02
let's just sit good00:19:05
fine00:19:08
there you ready yeah yeah I'm ready are00:19:10
you yes00:19:13
good here we00:19:27
go00:19:33
sorry00:19:35
my by the way I believe this mint is00:19:41
yours that's all right you can keep00:19:45
it we were just nervous yeah exactly it00:19:48
was our first try so we should try again00:19:57
definitely00:20:09
can we stop00:20:11
now yes please please oh thank00:20:14
God who what a00:20:17
relief give it the shut yes we did and00:20:20
I'm glad sure00:20:23
I so our friendship is is still okay00:20:26
yeah better than ever00:20:30
good00:20:33
so NI at night00:20:39
perfect this is much better yeah should00:20:42
is we should do it more often no yeah I00:20:45
would like00:20:46
that you know it would have been the00:20:48
best you ever00:20:51
had well that goes without saying no I00:20:54
had to say it's a Latin thing00:20:58
well as long as we're talking you uh00:21:01
missed out on a pretty good thing00:21:03
too little00:21:08
[Music]00:21:12
bit I'm telling you it was the only way00:21:14
I could get him to take the gloves yeah00:21:16
sure it00:21:19
was I let him do this yeah sure you did00:21:22
I did hey you're the boss huh get out of00:21:27
here00:21:29
sweetheart I'm starving when can we have00:21:32
lunch oh in just a minute I'm waiting00:21:34
for a delivery00:21:36
Vicki yeah wow Susan told me you were00:21:41
pretty but she didn't say you were00:21:42
Princess00:21:48
Leia okay now we can00:21:52
[Music]00:21:57
go00:21:58
[Music]00:22:14
[Music]00:22:19
[Music]00:22:24
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