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Михаил Задорнов. Концерт "Третье ухо"

Михаил Задорнов. Концерт "Третье ухо"

Channel: Задор ТВ

Михаил Задорнов. Концерт "Трудно жить легко!"

Михаил Задорнов. Концерт "Трудно жить легко!"

Channel: Задор ТВ

ПОВСЮДУ «БЕЛЫЕ ДОМА» - Михаил Задорнов | Лучшее #юмор

ПОВСЮДУ «БЕЛЫЕ ДОМА» - Михаил Задорнов | Лучшее #юмор

Channel: Задор ТВ

Михаил Задорнов. Мы так живем!

Михаил Задорнов. Мы так живем!

Channel: Задор ТВ

Михаил Задорнов. Концерт "SMS. Гламур. Окей!"

Михаил Задорнов. Концерт "SMS. Гламур. Окей!"

Channel: Задор ТВ

Михаил Задорнов. Поколение кое-какеров

Михаил Задорнов. Поколение кое-какеров

Channel: Задор ТВ

Михаил Задорнов. Закрытое выступление

Михаил Задорнов. Закрытое выступление

Channel: Задор ТВ

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Задорнов 2017

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Задорнов смотреть онлайн

задорнов сборник

задорнов про русских

юморист задорнов

концерт задорнова

00:00:02

recently heard from

00:00:04

Brezhnev's huntsman, he is an old man, but he remembers this

00:00:07

story very well. the

00:00:16

hares would die by the morning

00:00:19

Igor realized that they would be fired and then

00:00:22

the thinking switched on and then

00:00:24

only ours could invent putting a hare on the cats

00:00:27

ry honecker remembered until the end of

00:00:34

his days this was not there he missed the

00:00:39

cantor but when he was busy climbed a tree

00:00:46

I was driving with a truck in a truck in an

00:00:49

open back they were transporting a pig and the guys

00:00:54

accelerated

00:00:57

and I will never forget the eyes and you are a pig

00:01:07

and I was driving after her and these eyes are at

00:01:11

the highest point of the approach and it is the only

00:01:16

call that can look for the last time and

00:01:18

before her

00:01:20

with the feeling of unplanned death for

00:01:26

I myself jumped on this policeman

00:01:28

lying the Russians have lost their program, the

00:01:32

energy has a direction, this

00:01:34

energy has no saving inclinations to

00:01:37

hell,

00:01:38

and the program has gone astray, the logic

00:01:40

has been violated, the Russians are even impossible

00:01:42

to ask what the weather is like today,

00:01:44

they don’t answer the question what the weather is like,

00:01:47

pissing yesterday, I took an umbrella, there wasn’t a dacha,

00:01:48

I didn’t ask you, you understand, you don’t

00:01:51

care who to vote for if you

00:01:53

can’t answer the question what’s the

00:01:55

weather like today a person gets on the plane with

00:01:58

your doo angry where people are getting on the plane

00:02:00

means and 100 you think something from the elections

00:02:03

in life you noticed, but don’t worry,

00:02:06

I’ll go to the pilot now and find out

00:02:09

I can endlessly give these examples,

00:02:11

I have written here the devils, how many of

00:02:13

this Russian cake cake the box on the bottom

00:02:17

is written does not turn over from the bottom

00:02:24

yohoho and mayonnaise we have an

00:02:28

expiration date on the bottom from the inside first eat

00:02:34

served looked you have yogurt in

00:02:39

the store the old lady will punch it yes oh yes There’s

00:02:43

also a fanta, yes you know, then

00:02:46

give me two bottles of beer, and this one came to

00:02:52

the store, I have a question, I have two questions,

00:02:58

the saleswoman tells you how much it costs

00:03:01

and why it’s so expensive, and the eyes of the

00:03:04

minibus driver whose girl

00:03:07

asks you to stop to the house where I am

00:03:10

I live or there are minibus taxis behind him,

00:03:15

the girl says you can stop him, well, the

00:03:18

UAZ driver drives off to

00:03:22

catch up, you can

00:03:26

hear it, but I understand, you understand

00:03:30

that these people don’t care who

00:03:33

drives them, their head has been blown off by the arable

00:03:36

land, the waiters have moved out, I say in

00:03:40

Khabarovsk, mayonnaise without mayonnaise, salad without mayonnaise

00:03:43

he understood the game, didn’t understand, write it down, write it down from

00:03:47

mine back, why write it down so that during

00:03:49

a showdown he would have something to rely on, bring it -

00:03:54

a game why he brought it with mayonnaise about who

00:03:57

tastes better with mayonnaise, I didn’t ask you, it’s

00:04:01

tastier with mayonnaise, or

00:04:04

a man didn’t quarrel with his wife, a very Russian

00:04:06

story, let’s start with this image perhaps only

00:04:08

in our country he quarreled with his wife, he was

00:04:10

terribly happy, only ours can

00:04:12

be happy, especially since she

00:04:14

kicked him out of the house at night, he was so happy, he

00:04:17

called his friends, it’s on fire, let’s get out

00:04:19

where in my car she’s standing on the sidewalk,

00:04:21

we went to the car,

00:04:22

we drank vodka in the village, we took him the

00:04:25

owner of the car is sitting in the driver's seat, a cop comes up

00:04:27

and excuse me, the traffic cops say the right,

00:04:30

he gives the right to everyone, we take away the right, why is he

00:04:33

drunk at the wheel, he

00:04:36

's in the game, I'm not going anywhere, the ignition

00:04:38

is turned off, they don't know anything, you want to

00:04:39

pay a fine, I won't give you anything,

00:04:42

we'll take away the right, take it away, and you know

00:04:44

what right now you need to get the dishes

00:04:46

please just say this man

00:04:48

who is sitting in the driver’s seat the owner of

00:04:51

the car says I ask you when the trial

00:04:53

will be when I will laugh at you and you

00:04:57

want to remember me they

00:04:59

remembered him just like they did because they wrote

00:05:01

such a cart that they were catching up with him he

00:05:03

went at high speed ani and the heroes of

00:05:05

SEO wrote they wrote what he had in

00:05:08

court if he had a certificate that there was no engine in the car

00:05:15

he was on the bulkhead

00:05:19

and a certificate from the same traffic police department that

00:05:24

[applause]

00:05:26

while you laugh I I won’t leave

00:05:29

the stage, I warned you, I sometimes became 10

00:05:33

meters behind traffic jams to even make it on time for

00:05:35

business dates, so that they don’t find out the

00:05:38

final one is encrypted, I put on a cap like

00:05:40

that, two people look at me, they say such

00:05:44

a freak, she looks like Zadornov

00:05:46

again, you’re laughing at me,

00:05:48

and that’s also from the same

00:05:52

from the same folder from the same chapter, only

00:05:54

our door leaf doesn’t

00:05:57

close, the door is jammed and the driver is shouting

00:06:01

over the speakerphone, don’t hold the door, and in

00:06:05

fact no one is holding it, don’t

00:06:06

hold the door, and but one of the

00:06:09

young guys has become

00:06:10

poor listen to this, he came up, he

00:06:13

knows how to fix it in Russian by the door,

00:06:17

it closed, he fixed it, the train itself

00:06:21

went to the next station, don’t hold

00:06:23

the door, and he immediately said, so three

00:06:28

stations in a row at the 4th station, what smart guy

00:06:33

at each station holds the door

00:06:37

to survive and it’s just starting the man

00:06:40

comes up briefly to communicate with the driver

00:06:42

and tells him no one is holding your doors,

00:06:48

they just close the firebox after

00:06:51

I open them, but that’s not all, and the driver,

00:06:59

after a pause, choose which station you are going to

00:07:04

[applause]

00:07:08

this one says to the final one, great, let’s go

00:07:13

further, I express I said thank you on behalf of

00:07:18

the metro, let's check

00:07:22

how much strength you have left in the newspaper I read the

00:07:25

eligible piano is for sale on the lid there is a

00:07:30

small crack of an ax

00:07:32

and there is an advertisement at the station on the

00:07:38

platform in the Moscow region,

00:07:40

but it was possible for us to have

00:07:41

such an advertisement appear, citizens do not try to

00:07:45

block the path of goods from the table the Arabs

00:07:50

have figured out how to make money from Russian

00:07:52

tourists the Arabs are media glue they

00:07:55

can only make money on Russians for

00:07:56

five dollars

00:07:57

the Arabs allow a Russian tourist

00:08:01

to crack a crocodile in the head with an oar for five dollars no

00:08:07

one in the world will do this anymore

00:08:11

only ours is normal 5 dollars smell his

00:08:17

favorite algorithm I also have five more

00:08:21

dollars. Chirton doesn’t react, otherwise they’ve

00:08:24

already beaten ours with these oars for five

00:08:27

dollars. I and Russian tourists

00:08:30

will never go to the horror room at

00:08:32

Disneyland again. This is not this is impossible.

00:08:38

the boy crept up to the

00:08:43

knights

00:08:46

for him, the

00:08:47

knight took it jammed because of this now there are

00:08:55

no calls in the phone, and who

00:08:58

barks on the phone besides the experience of the minibus there

00:09:01

is a man with her phone he brings the cookie to the

00:09:04

fire, dear, nothing can be done with you,

00:09:09

we check how much Vasil the hearth is an

00:09:12

explanatory check the

00:09:15

bus driver sold tickets in the cabin himself

00:09:17

because the conductor was so drunk

00:09:20

that he would always get change, I had to

00:09:23

put him behind the wheel for a while, wow,

00:09:27

and you know that you are

00:09:31

reacting more and more louder, I laughed

00:09:36

as much as you when I read in the newspaper that

00:09:38

they sell chopped wood

00:09:41

and in the urologist’s office there are announcements just

00:09:47

come in and

00:09:48

brag, it’s not necessary I live in

00:09:55

Krylatskoye there is a supermarket there 24 hours a

00:09:59

day bandits attacked at night why

00:10:02

attack the supermarket at night cogito codicer

00:10:04

lethargic bandits could eat they wanted to throw up

00:10:07

at night riot police arrived and surrounded the

00:10:10

supermarket a sluggish shootout began,

00:10:12

such silence and silence and everyone went out onto the balcony and

00:10:16

looked at nothing, there was silence, everyone

00:10:19

said they can do what ours can’t do, the

00:10:21

unknown went to bed half an hour later, then

00:10:24

again everyone on the balconies was

00:10:26

silent again, and for three hours everyone was tired of it,

00:10:30

no one shows up anymore for this fluff and

00:10:33

suddenly line 4 on the other side two

00:10:38

shots puffball

00:10:42

silence hung over the area and from the bowels of

00:10:46

the house Nekrasov is right about Russian women a

00:10:48

woman’s voice throughout the entire district from the bowels of the house

00:10:50

until you kill them on horseback and again everyone is on the

00:10:56

balconies

00:10:57

and this is not the end yet

00:11:01

and what a stunning turn and the

00:11:04

riot police

00:11:05

chief for the whole area, who should

00:11:08

you now pay attention to the advertisement

00:11:17

that hangs in the city of Kirishi at the entrance to the

00:11:19

local disco while drunk and intoxicated,

00:11:23

this difference is the difference is prohibited for the

00:11:26

next year, entry crawled led black

00:11:30

teleportation, well,

00:11:35

in order for you to finally

00:11:37

finish you off, I still need to somehow you still have to

00:11:39

satiate yourself somehow I need

00:11:44

a story written by a girl I

00:11:51

can’t help but share it with you such a

00:11:53

Russian story from ours she writes I love

00:11:55

my husband and I’m afraid of him already in Russian it all

00:11:57

means I’m afraid I love me and he let me go to a

00:12:02

bachelorette party but told me to be at home at 12

00:12:04

o'clock at night, the girls and I drank,

00:12:07

I missed it, but I came back at 4 in the morning, that's

00:12:11

normal,

00:12:13

I missed it by 12 UAH, and then but we have

00:12:19

a clock she writes with a cuckoo

00:12:23

when I returned and my husband is sleeping lightly and

00:12:26

this is what came new, of course, not a single

00:12:28

woman in the world will come, I decided to

00:12:32

cuckoo myself 12

00:12:35

super super super can you imagine this is a cuckoo

00:12:40

with a hangover

00:12:44

still writing I approached him closer to the

00:12:47

sleeping one, that is, still breathing the fumes

00:12:50

of the morning this is a monster not a cuckoo husband

00:12:54

nothing didn’t answer did he was still sleeping in the

00:12:57

morning couldn’t stand it and they said glue dear

00:13:01

you know we probably have time to change the

00:13:04

cuckoo in the clock why he says

00:13:08

you understand now feel 1

00:13:11

phrase I heard like a dream and when you came the

00:13:14

cuckoo first crowed and four times

00:13:18

I like this one at first

00:13:21

then she said, damn, she

00:13:28

choked, this is what she crowed to me

00:13:32

twice, Marco and I

00:13:38

gasped, drips of tala, a creepy cuckoo, just

00:13:44

creepy kucuk null, she stepped on the cat,

00:13:48

it was on the side, the trick collapsed with a roar,

00:13:53

and the floor collapsed before she cuckooed 17 times

00:14:01

when our children get caught again children

00:14:06

abroad and go to study in those schools, they are

00:14:08

very capable there, looking like

00:14:10

others, I once told a story,

00:14:13

this story was even described by 1

00:14:15

Israeli writer there in a newspaper in

00:14:19

Tel Aviv, and this story was sent to me by the

00:14:21

participant in this case, you know, in Israel it is

00:14:25

not accepted mow from the army and the children of our

00:14:27

immigrants really want to join the army

00:14:29

for them it is an honor and dignity but our

00:14:32

children the children of our migrants are very smart and

00:14:34

therefore dangerous for the army they are

00:14:37

interviewed by

00:14:38

types of institutions such as our

00:14:40

military registration and enlistment offices and those who conduct these

00:14:42

interviews are called

00:14:45

mental health officers Here is one Israeli

00:14:48

mental health officer who lost his health

00:14:50

forever, even if he talked

00:14:52

to our boys with fire, a

00:14:55

very smart Jewish boy came to the interlocutor, he

00:14:59

knew Hebrew poorly, he was very smart and the

00:15:04

officer decided to communicate with him using simple

00:15:07

drawings and said the boy will draw a

00:15:10

cat

00:15:11

the boy and began I didn’t know much,

00:15:16

I decided to make up for my inability to draw with

00:15:17

knowledge, I first drew an oak tree, it’s already

00:15:27

tense,

00:15:29

he thinks the boy here asked for a town with

00:15:32

a tree, but he didn’t draw a tree, but they think I’ll wait,

00:15:35

what will happen next, and then it was interesting,

00:15:38

that’s what the officer asked, I asked

00:15:41

this code points to a tree, normal

00:15:43

conversation, smart, now I drew it the chain

00:15:49

dad was a jeweler the chain turned out and where are

00:15:55

we now and drew to because the boy

00:15:59

thought the boy drew poorly then it

00:16:01

was not a cat from there was a booger and this one in general

00:16:06

his tower began to move down the officer and

00:16:09

sincerely decided to ask that

00:16:12

he had drawn something and poked the most a mysterious place

00:16:15

in a booger, well, all the boys can’t be accepted into the army

00:16:20

asked for a cat and her booger

00:16:22

hanged itself on a tree this and poking the booger

00:16:26

asked the boy what it was the boy knew that

00:16:28

in Hebrew the code is khatul

00:16:30

and the scientist is madan but every word in

00:16:32

every language has its own shades madan this

00:16:35

not the scientist whom Pushkin meant,

00:16:38

but this is a scientist who has been awarded

00:16:42

this is a

00:16:44

member of the academic council, this is the

00:16:47

boy, well, back to the booger said

00:16:50

Khatul Madan,

00:16:52

his brain exploded at that moment

00:16:58

and crossed it like that why is this a booger

00:17:04

code a member of the academic council can ride but

00:17:08

because it goes to the right the song starts

00:17:12

goes to the left a fairy tale says the boy

00:17:16

will you come next time the boy left

00:17:20

upset and this one sits and thinks

00:17:22

why didn’t he understand maybe the

00:17:25

secretary’s words were in vain come here tell me please that’s

00:17:28

how for well what is it and that was and

00:17:31

grown up Glen she I saw

00:17:36

Khatul Madan,

00:17:43

this brain has already disintegrated into atoms about the

00:17:48

effect of Khatul Madan, and in Russian, call

00:17:52

my main assistant from where the

00:17:54

top ones will even run around, the main thing will help for her,

00:17:57

she was from Russia there for a long time, but she

00:18:01

missed everything so much, she says oh

00:18:06

Khatul Madan

00:18:08

and he couldn’t stand it for ral why why is he

00:18:14

Khatul Madan with you it’s a booger in vain he

00:18:16

asked a question he said but because the

00:18:19

song goes to the right the song makes

00:18:26

my friends in Moscow there is a completely

00:18:28

new phenomenon - an ATM in which you

00:18:30

can take money using your plastic

00:18:32

credit card without leaving the car

00:18:34

well, like a sandwich at McDonald's and

00:18:36

you know, men still manage to do this

00:18:39

sometimes, but women, of course, have problems;

00:18:41

I happened to be standing behind the car;

00:18:44

there was a woman behind the wheel;

00:18:53

instructions: drive up to the ATM,

00:18:58

stop, back up,

00:19:07

then a little forward, then a little

00:19:10

back and just a little forward, and so on

00:19:13

several times until the machine is

00:19:15

at the same level with you,

00:19:16

open your purse, empty

00:19:19

all the contents from it onto the next seat,

00:19:20

find a plastic card in this pile

00:19:23

look at yourself in the rearview mirror, is

00:19:25

your makeup good enough to

00:19:29

communicate with an ATM,

00:19:32

after that, of course, powder your nose,

00:19:35

straighten your hair, if you are

00:19:37

sure that you will make the right

00:19:38

impression on the ATM, extend your

00:19:44

left hand towards it with a plastic card, if

00:19:46

your hand hits an obstacle, open the

00:19:49

window and again we beat you,

00:19:51

do not

00:19:59

enter the card into the special slot of

00:20:02

the ATM into the special slot, then

00:20:06

take out the card, you will see the other side,

00:20:09

enter the PIN code, click on the

00:20:12

cancel button and look in the notebook

00:20:14

what PIN code your card has, enter

00:20:17

it a second time, click on the

00:20:19

cancel button, cross out the PIN - the code of the old

00:20:22

card that you last time punched into the

00:20:25

gap between the wall of the ATM, call your

00:20:28

husband and demand that he tell you the

00:20:31

new PIN code of your card, calmly, you

00:20:35

listen from him to everything that is on your mind,

00:20:39

then tense up and think about how much

00:20:42

you need, dial this amount on the

00:20:45

ATM display,

00:20:47

remember the amount must be dialed in numbers, they are

00:20:49

in letters, having received the required amount,

00:20:52

powder your nose, straighten your hair,

00:20:54

project meter 2 3 forward,

00:20:56

stop, come back and take

00:20:58

the card again, walk a little forward and

00:21:03

think about the amount you took,

00:21:06

return the car back until there is a dull impact on the

00:21:09

car behind

00:21:11

which some the idiot parked on

00:21:15

your way back

00:21:18

look in the rearview mirror

00:21:20

carefully what the

00:21:22

idiot

00:21:23

match is like he or the

00:21:27

schmuck powder your nose straighten your hair

00:21:30

check if you notice enough the new

00:21:33

piercing on your belly button

00:21:35

get out of the car and explain to this

00:21:38

powerful match u

00:21:40

explain to him once and for all what the

00:21:43

rules are road traffic is

00:21:45

always the fault of the one behind you, when you realize that you have

00:21:51

made an impression on everyone who is

00:21:52

lined up at the ATM,

00:21:55

call him so that he reminds you of the

00:21:57

PIN code of your card, you listen to everything

00:22:01

he thinks about your first meeting,

00:22:03

which ruined his life forever and

00:22:06

when he switches off when he switches off

00:22:09

loudly be rude to him and it doesn’t matter that he

00:22:13

works as a gas station attendant

00:22:15

shout loudly I don’t give a damn about your

00:22:18

oil business

00:22:21

hose you’re not up to the chewed oligophrenic

00:22:25

glamorous tuning and a police officer attracted by

00:22:28

such harsh insults will

00:22:30

approach you and ask you to show your

00:22:32

license

00:22:33

call your husband and ask where in your

00:22:38

car he has your license

00:22:41

so as not to listen to everything he thinks about

00:22:43

your mother, pass the phone to the traffic cop,

00:22:49

let the traffic cop think that it is your husband

00:22:51

thinking about his mother,

00:22:54

of course, after that the traffic cop will ask you

00:22:57

to put the car on the handbrake and turn off

00:22:58

the ignition

00:22:59

so carefully and gently ask the

00:23:02

traffic cop where your ignition is, because you have

00:23:05

n’t ignited it for a long time,

00:23:06

you listen to everything that the traffic cop thinks about you

00:23:09

and what because of people like you and what if he

00:23:12

could and what if he had such a wife,

00:23:15

he laid hands on her

00:23:18

after of this, give the traffic cop all the money

00:23:20

received from the ATM

00:23:23

again, you listen to everything that she thinks of you

00:23:26

and that thanks to people like you

00:23:29

and what if it weren’t for you and that he also

00:23:32

forced his wife to get the same

00:23:33

piercing as you and he has a

00:23:36

friend of the blacksmith for this matter

00:23:39

just don’t need to lose a little weight otherwise the

00:23:42

piercing will be noticeable in her navel and

00:23:44

she will have to install a hula hoop in her navel.

00:23:50

After listening to all this, go

00:23:54

home happy and even without money, but joyful from

00:23:58

the fact that today you had success with so

00:24:01

many unfamiliar men,

00:24:04

having driven with this in the morning with a feeling of happiness one

00:24:06

two kilometers stop and take the

00:24:09

car off the handbrake

00:24:12

these things Mikhalkov we are going on a motor ship along the

00:24:15

Volga drunk 5 motor ship until 4 am

00:24:19

the disco is knocking with fins this is not a single

00:24:22

nation before 4 am can knock with fins

00:24:25

at 4 am the disco stops working I think

00:24:28

everything is going fall asleep that’s not all, just okay, he

00:24:31

got enough energy then

00:24:33

and scattered, got killed on the decks,

00:24:36

you know why yell, they’ll shout, we need to put

00:24:39

somewhere the energy of

00:24:41

Asia and Europe that has accumulated in front of my

00:24:44

cabin right in front of the oem window on the

00:24:47

deck, two people, let’s have someone scream to the

00:24:50

shore 2 a how will I know that I screamed

00:24:56

if you go back to warm up the engine

00:24:58

of a normal

00:25:00

200 swim Yana 6 am

00:25:03

it is announced that the monastery stops I don’t have

00:25:06

brooms like our three snake just isn’t

00:25:11

on all fours

00:25:12

it’s crawling or Snow White catching up with

00:25:16

Batman the cocoits were from Mondino karoch 6

00:25:21

am all sober all the

00:25:24

monastery men in a tie, women with a

00:25:29

headscarf,

00:25:30

they were striptease just dancing, all

00:25:35

eyes, the heart of a sheep, innocent virgins,

00:25:43

and a man comes out of the monastery, everyone is

00:25:45

praying, and I am one of the last to respect him for the

00:25:48

king and the man doesn’t see me and so that there is

00:25:51

no one, he wanted to pray for a special one,

00:25:53

only ours senior capable he prays

00:25:56

ready when he was shown on top television

00:26:01

praying like this

00:26:08

unique people I don’t know

00:26:11

any language in the world ours

00:26:13

can explain any phrase with their hands I saw a hard one

00:26:16

for which I almost cried French

00:26:18

when ours on the plane tried to explain

00:26:20

that Mumina mineral water without gas but

00:26:22

with lemon in your hands,

00:26:26

mineral water

00:26:34

is without gas, well, you understand, shabot without but with

00:26:43

this

00:26:45

[music] here is the

00:26:47

gastric gland depicted the moment of

00:26:51

taking lemon when I saw Kavarov

00:26:54

the flight attendant

00:26:55

look like an AIDS person you won’t

00:26:58

be offended by me when you see me for

00:27:01

what I do woke me up, but only a Russian

00:27:05

man could sleep on a plane seat

00:27:08

on his stomach, can

00:27:11

you imagine how much beer he drank,

00:27:16

we are a unique people, a lost

00:27:19

program,

00:27:20

only here is the part about all of you and about ourselves,

00:27:23

only our people, when we have to get up, at 6

00:27:28

am they set the alarm clock for 550 so that

00:27:33

when the alarm clock rings you can

00:27:38

feel something in another 10 minutes

00:27:44

on your passport and you’ll definitely oversleep,

00:27:54

but what about pop music, we’re not funny, we

00:27:57

all imitate the West, I wrote out new

00:28:00

songs, numb with my hand, epic, I’ll fit you into

00:28:03

the interior,

00:28:05

some Penza fly is singing another one,

00:28:08

and they told how our boys made

00:28:12

on your fingers

00:28:14

this is glucose a goat with glitches glucose

00:28:18

you are the most beautiful in the world it’s snowing

00:28:21

all over the planet this is nuclear winter

00:28:24

has begun the judge is disgusting finally a song with the

00:28:28

words let the sadness go away and I’ll come to you

00:28:31

and I actually decided to do you know what to

00:28:35

do these are the songs that imitate the

00:28:37

West pop songs make a portrait of a

00:28:39

girl who is dedicated to these songs when

00:28:42

God forbid imagine her it’s first of all the

00:28:46

eyes because there should be the most no smile a

00:28:48

woman’s smile should be

00:28:50

charming then on the charming smile

00:28:52

from the song your slanting smile in

00:28:57

the velvet

00:28:58

sways me

00:29:02

it’s only scarier eyes shoulder-width apart

00:29:05

about this smile is sung in another song

00:29:07

blue eyes smiles will slash dawn across the face a

00:29:13

woman’s hands should also be

00:29:15

elegant hell hands from the song I can’t live

00:29:19

without your swan hands I can

00:29:22

go with anyone

00:29:23

that the swan didn’t have in his hands for the last time

00:29:25

never seen, but this is a new variety of

00:29:28

Belarusian ones, such Chernobyl swans

00:29:30

they have to give these are mutant swans, that is, they are

00:29:33

no longer a gift, the woman is the ideal of pop music, yes,

00:29:40

but her lips are the color of vanilla, my lips

00:29:44

again went in the wrong place, these are the lips, the lips from the

00:29:50

song about how not dear any of yours are dry

00:29:53

pink lips but it’s just

00:29:58

some kind of mummy made up dry lips up to the

00:30:02

eyes of course should be the most

00:30:06

important detail of appearance the eyes from the song I do

00:30:08

n’t need to tell you once and the bigger

00:30:10

the eyes the more beautiful the woman is the truth the eyes

00:30:13

from the song are two 3 carat diamonds

00:30:15

that is that is not very large

00:30:19

small because but many people don’t know

00:30:21

that carat is not just a measure of the weight of

00:30:23

precious metals carat what did you know

00:30:26

these are the seeds of an ancient very plant and these

00:30:29

seeds are all the same weight they are small

00:30:31

manki like a seed in South Africa that is, that is,

00:30:33

not just not large eyes small

00:30:36

moments

00:30:40

these are the eyes of a shrimp with a hangover of water in

00:30:48

love in this miracle it is not possible only

00:30:51

after 15 years in a solitary cell to

00:30:54

fall in love but her eyebrows above these

00:30:57

small little halogens

00:31:00

spike seiners of eyebrows to about a

00:31:06

portrait and she loves jam from the eyes

00:31:11

about the Icelanders looking for and skunks good

00:31:15

deerskin from the choice amazing jam

00:31:20

this in my opinion is dedicated to her a

00:31:22

simple song of the next miscarriage of the

00:31:25

star factory they are all miscarriages of

00:31:30

completely embryonic development of the brain

00:31:33

they rush me because it’s the new

00:31:37

year and friends and in winter the chorus and the chorus

00:31:42

because the new year is like

00:31:46

agate to you a song with the words of

00:31:50

another miscarriage a flock of birds flew by

00:31:53

and buried eyelashes and this is what

00:31:58

the brain of the planets turns into

00:32:00

[applause] my

00:32:03

friend and I serve together in the same tank

00:32:08

I hate this basketball player

00:32:14

the policeman tried to establish the identity of the

00:32:16

person fell all the time

00:32:18

and I planted an apple tree and now I’m

00:32:27

fattening it's for firewood

00:32:33

now that the Russian State

00:32:35

Duma

00:32:36

adopted a law restricting smoking

00:32:38

on television, now obscene words will be read light up let's smoke with

00:32:41

a smoke so even

00:32:45

old songs will sound in a new way

00:32:47

come on peppy comrade one at a time

00:32:51

come on pibi my comrade yes [ __ ] you

00:32:59

yes I am they answer yes nitride break off I

00:33:02

saw it myself you listened to the dialogues about

00:33:05

fishing

00:33:10

Vladimir we own Saladin you own there

00:33:13

milkmaids are on strike like they are on strike knocking their udders

00:33:17

on the asphalt

00:33:21

comrade policeman comrade policeman

00:33:23

you probably have to

00:33:25

work with thieves and prostitutes all the time, but no,

00:33:29

among our colleagues there are normal people, the

00:33:33

crowd beats the man is bleeding, the man can

00:33:36

barely speak from below, he is screaming there, he was sleeping there,

00:33:39

why guys, I didn’t do anything bad to you,

00:33:42

the crowd stops beating him, a

00:33:45

girl with flowers comes out of the crowd, get up, man,

00:33:48

smile, it was a broadcast of a prank,

00:33:56

recently a

00:33:58

hockey match Finland,

00:34:01

Czech Republic 2 lasted for more than four hours for an hour, drunken Finns were laughing at

00:34:04

the names of the Czechs,

00:34:05

and I was driving a car, I looked on the left, the girl

00:34:14

on the right, the girl was holding it, it seemed like everything on the right

00:34:16

had merged at times and the chon and

00:34:19

got caught on the windshield wipers weakly, the Wookiee didn’t get off

00:34:26

[applause]

00:34:31

another storyteller is also such a topic

00:34:34

today gene gene gene I almost

00:34:39

I’m calling you, it’s you and your wife who come to visit us anymore,

00:34:41

why don’t you somehow

00:34:43

explain gent, you understand with us, I know

00:34:45

advanced, my wife is also inadequate, but on

00:34:49

the contrary, she thinks that for the

00:34:51

enlightened, like your

00:34:52

gene, you know when and the first time

00:34:55

enlightenment in my head came in

00:34:56

after you 6 years ago, Gena,

00:34:58

left us a brochure on clearing karma with

00:35:01

nettles, it’s funny to you, Gena, about my month,

00:35:04

using this brochure, I cleared my karma and

00:35:07

still have all the food pimples,

00:35:09

and then later your wife gave me a

00:35:14

cookbook to read, 1200 dishes from raw

00:35:16

onions from all diseases

00:35:18

this is not funny, I cried but I ate

00:35:25

and then I didn’t say anything to you, although by

00:35:26

that time we had a whole library

00:35:28

of your enlightened gifts accumulated on

00:35:30

and ritual tai chi dances when meeting with

00:35:33

gai and yoga while driving a car and

00:35:38

pranayama in rush hour and beets for everything and

00:35:41

celery for potency carrots for

00:35:43

loneliness anyway it’s not funny gene

00:35:48

you understand this brochure you remember

00:35:51

yours too and I don’t remember your gift on how to improve

00:35:53

vision and hearing with the help of cabbage leaves

00:35:55

but I’ll remind you within a

00:35:58

week where for every day for

00:36:00

ten to twelve hours,

00:36:02

put a cabbage leaf on your face with

00:36:03

slits for the eyes, or better yet, funny

00:36:07

gene, can you imagine how

00:36:09

my work colleagues looked at me, and on the subway,

00:36:12

I considered myself a person, genes, before I

00:36:14

started riding with a cabbage leaf on

00:36:16

public transport

00:36:17

such words addressed to me like study where are the

00:36:20

people, but I haven’t even heard from male

00:36:23

drivers addressed to a woman behind the wheel

00:36:25

who is driving in the left lane, observing the

00:36:27

rules of the road,

00:36:28

nevertheless, Diana remained your friend even

00:36:34

after the collection of revelations of the Lyubertsy

00:36:37

maha there called how to open

00:36:40

the third eye from and I forgot this, I’ll

00:36:43

remind you and remember for the rest of my life how

00:36:45

to unlock the third eye of

00:36:46

the gene in order to unlock the

00:36:48

third eye, can you hear me, garbage,

00:36:51

first of all, garbage between full moons, don’t

00:36:54

throw away the gene, you tried not

00:36:57

to throw away garbage between full moons, but

00:36:59

in vain such esoteric incense the

00:37:03

entire apartment before and then the gene in the

00:37:07

nascent moon, in order to open the third

00:37:10

eye with the garbage accumulated between

00:37:13

full moons, you

00:37:15

need to go out onto the roadway during rush hour

00:37:18

and throw it under the fastest

00:37:22

passing car, yes, this is to

00:37:26

unblock the third eye, it’s funny to you, but I

00:37:29

did all this with garbage between

00:37:32

the full moon and threw it under the jeep the jeep

00:37:37

very quickly carried what happened next the

00:37:40

genes from the jeep such Mahatmas of Lyubertsy

00:37:44

climbed out that I not only had the 3rd

00:37:47

vowel of my two swollen ones and then

00:37:52

I restrained myself gene but you know after your

00:37:55

last gift my patience

00:37:56

ran out gene you tell me honestly that's why

00:37:59

on your last birthday you gave us a

00:38:01

Chinese encyclopedia called

00:38:03

Feng Shui,

00:38:05

at first I didn't pay attention to this gift, I

00:38:07

thought it was an instruction for a

00:38:09

hair dryer

00:38:10

that was made in Shui, it turns out that acacia

00:38:14

is an ancient Chinese teaching of the gene according to

00:38:16

which the Chinese become happy by

00:38:18

rearranging everything in their apartment,

00:38:21

don’t laugh, gene, have you

00:38:24

ever tried to sleep according to Feng Shui with the

00:38:27

correct orientation to the four parts of

00:38:28

the world, kidneys to the north, heels to the east, Adam’s

00:38:32

apple to the south, this is not funny, I

00:38:36

screw it in with a corkscrew every night, so

00:38:37

that you have happy dreams

00:38:41

according to Feng Shui and sleep according to Feng Shui it’s necessary in the

00:38:46

very southwest of the apartment, and in the

00:38:49

southwest we only have a balcony in the summer, nothing

00:38:54

gene, but you know, at the beginning of February,

00:38:58

slight discomfort from icicles on the nose,

00:39:02

you don’t laugh, gene, you’ll laugh at your

00:39:05

kids, too, I’ll give you a brochure on how

00:39:11

to make an Indian hut from a furniture set using an ax meditation

00:39:15

why because the genome and I even

00:39:18

rearranged the front door and that one too, and our door

00:39:20

faced the door, not according to Feng Shui sunsets,

00:39:25

the apartment can enter the negative energy of

00:39:27

aging, but the door should face the

00:39:30

sunrise, we only had a window at sunrise

00:39:35

now this is the door of the gene gene you

00:39:40

imagine a window with a peephole and a

00:39:44

mat for wiping your feet on the windowsill

00:39:48

that window where is the gene window so that according to feng shui the

00:39:53

energy your son fills you

00:39:57

should look to the south so we cut it there and

00:40:01

cut it

00:40:02

in the south, our neighbor’s room turned out

00:40:06

to be a storage room and a storage room and now

00:40:10

when we will ventilate your mind with the energy of qi so

00:40:13

mothballs pull from

00:40:16

so that your children gene live all their lives according to

00:40:19

feng shui

00:40:20

on your feng shui vulpes in the wrong place not everything is

00:40:26

serving and finally the main condition for a

00:40:29

growing agent is to put

00:40:32

all the money in the house of the gene into one pile to begin with

00:40:34

but can you tell me how to add up a lot of salaries,

00:40:36

no, but we exchanged little things,

00:40:40

scraped together a bundle, and according to Feng Shui, for what we

00:40:43

scraped together so that there was money, you hear, we

00:40:46

need to plant a Chinese ritual toad, a symbol of

00:40:49

wealth, and according to Feng Shui,

00:40:51

kiss this symbol every day, well, we went to the

00:40:55

store and bought it put the toad on top and

00:40:59

let’s go kiss the

00:41:01

genome, they kissed for a month and you know, I suddenly

00:41:05

felt the kisses became mutual

00:41:08

and only then we read the Shabbat,

00:41:13

it meant porcelain

00:41:16

ritually, and the toad is already used to it,

00:41:20

you can’t live without kisses, and we, to be honest,

00:41:24

no, and that’s not all in the last chapter of your

00:41:28

gene wisdom encyclopedia says that

00:41:31

according to Feng Shui,

00:41:34

demonic energy entities always settle in ventilation pipes,

00:41:38

and in order to drive them out of there, you need to

00:41:41

read sacred mantras directly into the ventilation holes

00:41:44

at night and what do you

00:41:50

think the entities answered her

00:41:55

the same way the idiots started yelling, stop

00:41:59

yelling at two o'clock in the morning and the essence and

00:42:02

so much and so swearing selection for in

00:42:06

general what is happening in Russia

00:42:09

cannot happen anywhere in the world

00:42:11

my philosophy is known to everyone Russia is a

00:42:14

special energy a large country

00:42:16

European energy Asian

00:42:18

direction this is energy no if you give

00:42:21

it this is energy directions for the benefit of

00:42:24

another homeland there won’t be such a country, but

00:42:26

I don’t know when it will happen, it’s just

00:42:29

closer to the edge, it’s energy like through a

00:42:31

colander according to Pascal’s law, that’s how it

00:42:33

starts at all and I have such a chapter in my

00:42:35

notebooks, it’s just marked with such a

00:42:37

daddy, only in Russia it’s called a folder,

00:42:40

but for example, the men decided to drink beer but

00:42:44

in the west I’ll go home I’ll drink ours ca

00:42:47

n’t we need romance we decided to

00:42:49

drink where on the roof of a house kind of it would

00:42:52

n’t come to anyone’s mind that there were stars and that the

00:42:57

big bear was walking

00:43:00

by the way

00:43:01

little and the big bear are now

00:43:02

uniting a single bear would you still be

00:43:06

so fresh, you also catch it, they knocked you

00:43:08

out, you

00:43:11

wanted to smoke a cigarette, there was no

00:43:13

point in smoking cigarettes, and they think where

00:43:16

to run 14 roofs of a 14-story building are far away

00:43:19

and further what comes to them new,

00:43:21

only our boys can come,

00:43:24

let’s see, maybe who’s smoking on

00:43:26

the balcony, that means indeed, through the floor from below,

00:43:33

go up to because they are on the roof, a

00:43:35

man came out to talk, put

00:43:37

cigarettes on the railing, the bear also smokes and

00:43:42

doesn’t know what awaits him ahead,

00:43:44

he didn’t know that this was the last day when

00:43:47

he was healthy, the boys decided to ask

00:43:51

her for cigarettes, but as with us of any

00:43:54

roof there is always a cable, they tied the

00:43:57

lightest of them with a cable, a terrible picture

00:44:02

and lowered him down there, this guy smokes in front of

00:44:10

him, a man descends from the sky and says

00:44:14

you won’t find a cigarette,

00:44:18

but this time the matzah was taken away, but if only an

00:44:22

angel smokers would come down from whom the

00:44:24

smell of beer is even worse I can

00:44:28

tell this endlessly, but people also

00:44:30

email stories

00:44:32

about their loved ones or the city of Elektrostal

00:44:35

from the same folder only in Russia, only

00:44:39

we have the city of Elektrostal under mass

00:44:42

in the Moscow region, a nice city around the forest is very

00:44:44

beautiful, in the forest there is a

00:44:46

house for the insane for the mentally ill the

00:44:50

most beautiful place, such a road to it, it’s

00:44:52

beautiful and it feels like it was lying there,

00:44:53

no, I’m so knowledgeable about the story, they

00:44:58

ran away, a violent madman, they called the riot police

00:45:02

because he is aggressive, sometimes the riot police

00:45:04

comb the forest,

00:45:05

and in Elektrostal there is then you, a scientific

00:45:07

rural institute that

00:45:08

studies mushrooms, including tinder fungi

00:45:10

they are studying tinder fungi, so you know,

00:45:13

this is a fungus that grows on

00:45:15

trees under such growths, and so the scientist

00:45:19

went to study tinder fungi in the forest, so he put

00:45:23

crampons on his feet, this is a device for climbing the

00:45:25

pillars of loss,

00:45:27

he climbed up and examines the tinder fungus under a magnifying glass, the riot police are

00:45:34

coming,

00:45:44

what are you doing? I collect mushrooms

00:45:51

normally, a guy

00:45:53

spent a week in the right place, ours are done first,

00:45:58

then I think how it was possible to go from

00:46:03

Ryazan by train to buy a car for a

00:46:07

million rubles, two men went, it was only

00:46:09

ours who could split half

00:46:11

a million each, we went by train and didn’t

00:46:15

take a ticket, amazing people, only

00:46:21

ours got in millions of pockets could

00:46:26

run away from the controller,

00:46:30

but our unique people are unique in that

00:46:33

ours are ours having drunk 5 glasses of tea at

00:46:37

night, I’m thinking about getting up now to go

00:46:44

or be patient until the morning, this is all laughing

00:46:48

about ourselves, our loved ones, because after

00:46:50

all, and

00:46:53

in Turkey, in general, ours are for borders

00:47:00

when people are in horror,

00:47:02

Europeans are in horror, they

00:47:04

are interested in one question: why Russian European

00:47:06

people and because with this energy our people

00:47:11

come abroad, what do they do

00:47:13

and the mind works, and the same ones are

00:47:16

already digitized thinking in the West, they

00:47:18

cannot understand when a Russian person does not

00:47:20

have corkscrew she reads with the key to open the

00:47:22

bottle and ask you for the key the Turk has the key I

00:47:24

’ll ask says why do I need a bottle

00:47:26

opening I’ll answer on the lock bottle yes they do

00:47:31

n’t drive into these situations when ours

00:47:35

gets full

00:47:36

and goes into the countryside and now she has

00:47:38

vodka left he ants died starts this is

00:47:40

no one in the world it can’t

00:47:42

oh and when our Western girls

00:47:46

can never do this but the whole Western

00:47:47

girl won’t take up the situation they are struggling

00:47:50

and they already have no breasts and no and what do you want you

00:47:54

keep

00:47:55

saw an Englishwoman lawyer q someday

00:47:58

not breasts to push-button like a calculator

00:48:01

but our 2 tusks with these

00:48:05

when ours were in Turkey they shocked the Turks by

00:48:07

catching

00:48:09

hedgehogs with their bras, 2 hedgehogs each

00:48:16

brought then

00:48:17

those curled up in a ball one German

00:48:21

wrote I will never go to

00:48:23

Turkey again on May 9th ours have a special energy

00:48:31

when our antenna when it’s a holiday it’s

00:48:34

not The German knows that ours celebrate this way

00:48:36

simply when they burst into the rooms where the

00:48:39

Germans live and, shouting for Stalin,

00:48:44

poured them on with a fire extinguisher and asking

00:48:49

this is not fun in honor of the victory, a woman

00:48:55

wrote to me that what makes me happy is

00:48:58

that people still treat themselves

00:49:00

she writes with irony, Mikhail Nikolaevich,

00:49:02

can you imagine, I remembered you after

00:49:05

what happened to me, I climbed to wash the

00:49:06

windows and then I looked at

00:49:08

my tights, they were torn and ready, I thought,

00:49:15

as soon as I fall, I’ll

00:49:19

break, these people will tell me it

00:49:26

will be inconvenient, Nekrasov is right, a unique

00:49:31

Russian woman,

00:49:32

men with humor legs treat myself

00:49:35

too, I receive a letter, well, exactly according to your

00:49:39

stories, I was in a hurry to go home to my wife at night, I was drunk in

00:49:42

the yard, we have a big one, you know, as if the

00:49:44

houses are standing like the letter P, I decided to cross diagonally

00:49:48

along, I ran faster, it’s dark, I do

00:49:50

n’t see anything in the other person, not someone

00:49:51

with a piece of iron God hit me in the head I woke up fell

00:49:55

woke up got up boom looking for me harder I

00:49:59

think I need to get up faster and hit me in the face

00:50:02

rose even faster even stronger boom

00:50:05

the cook had a children's horizontal bar

00:50:11

[applause]

Description:

Свежий сборник шуток из концертов Михаила Задорнова на самые актуальные темы. ✔ Смотрите на Задор ТВ: ➡ Концерты Михаила Задорнова - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMq9dPXd4COHwi1ptDF1Xn0foRRdtiENH ➡ Михаил Задорнов Лучшее - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMq9dPXd4COHLuAbjhEnzhnulv1Fdx8_i ➡ Неформат с Михаилом Задорновым - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLF3C82E9FA53388E1 ➡ Вещий Олег. Обретенная быль - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMq9dPXd4COH4LpR8BID9NeRDqs5rxGL7 ➡ Фильмы Михаила Задорнова - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMq9dPXd4COGAKy6NvutKIkgjuLrKbh_U ✔ Подписывайся на Задор ТВ ➡ https://www.youtube.com/mnzadornov?gl=CO

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