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стендап

stand up

нурлан сабуров

стендап 2019

иван абрамов

юлия ахмедова

руслан белый

stand up 6 сезон

stand up тнт

телеканал тнт

алексей щербаков

stand up new

новый сезон стендап

русский юмор

АлексейЩербаков

СлаваКомисаренко

ТимурДжанкезов

АндрейАтлас

ДенисСмирнов

ВалентинСидоров

standup

алексейщербаков

славакомисаренко

тимурджанкезов

андрейатлас

дениссмирнов

валентинсидоров

00:00:00

[music]

00:00:22

and gentlemen, welcome Alexey Shcherbakov

00:00:29

[applause]

00:00:36

[music]

00:00:39

[applause] I

00:00:47

was surprised by

00:00:48

your aunt here, I was surprised in Berlin by the fact that

00:00:53

you nerfed the white sole, not Ruslan White,

00:00:55

the concept of the show is that each launch is

00:00:57

led by one of the residents of this show,

00:00:59

so here’s how we’ll cope today so

00:01:01

we can handle it and so so so maybe someone

00:01:03

really who is so interesting

00:01:04

to work with and will help and there are horses blowing and

00:01:07

how they are so cool something that we will

00:01:09

find out right now we will have fun there is no such thing

00:01:11

yet and who is unknown will come up

00:01:15

that a lobbyist a lobbyist and something you are doing a

00:01:20

lobbyist, you are maneuvering the laws,

00:01:22

translate into growth, it comes with some kind of

00:01:31

interesting initiative, it turns into a

00:01:32

law and they obey the calculation, nothing ever

00:01:36

went well in the improved

00:01:39

[applause]

00:01:46

pirate anti-piracy what kind of pirate but the

00:01:51

pirates whose keratitis the content

00:01:54

now wants serious problems by the way, yes

00:01:56

you can insert it porn and there it’s

00:01:58

upside down, you know first from the compote.

00:02:00

then I really don’t like the name of the site, I’m

00:02:03

sitting and thinking about fear and the other side, one hundred

00:02:05

percent I need to say I

00:02:11

got a visa to America in March in March I

00:02:17

really need it over who isn’t it

00:02:19

better is it valid for three years three

00:02:21

years I’m stuck during this time I can

00:02:23

candles, of course, but now, that is, in general, during the

00:02:25

period when it was like nowhere,

00:02:27

not like in the USA, even in the world, people now

00:02:29

all went to Sochi,

00:02:30

I once had a good net, the first time I

00:02:33

got there, it was two and a half

00:02:34

years ago, it was in winter, it performed

00:02:36

at Krasnaya Polyana and went to perform and

00:02:38

I didn’t like coming in 7

00:02:39

besides the fact that they didn’t pay there oh it’s

00:02:42

very expensive not only that it’s not that

00:02:44

it’s very major there everything is soaked in hand over

00:02:46

your air major book in solid maybe

00:02:48

everyone I go out and look at it I don’t

00:02:58

like it so much, I would like to

00:03:00

know that some very average guy came,

00:03:02

you know, well, I’m not right, I’m just homeless people who

00:03:04

came for this high Anatoly and

00:03:06

Larisa david tavare you don’t know the badge,

00:03:09

these are the ones you came to me with 16 beer then what are you

00:03:15

going to do [applause]

00:03:19

and all the concepts of the Duma, how cool it would be for

00:03:21

such a family to come and supply everything and they are on

00:03:23

the cable car and somewhere here this major sky family is

00:03:25

all charged here some super

00:03:27

new generation gopro there

00:03:28

are shelves skis aunt snowboard and the whole

00:03:30

world of everyone, everything in the world and strongly against the

00:03:32

ground with rubber bands,

00:03:37

it’s a piece of linoleum flying and there’s a river of snot,

00:03:42

you know, when the whole family just has a river of

00:03:44

snot, no one is sick, it’s just that

00:03:46

you’re going back to this one, I added

00:03:49

income, you’re riding and that’s all, and good

00:03:51

evening, Brooka, everyone knows when your hands are so

00:03:54

snotty to further you need to look for a place in

00:03:55

the league they snotty just too early auratus

00:04:01

everything is frozen in the cold you are driving along those

00:04:04

wolf will attack and me like them and above

00:04:07

the new everything is just an iron man she

00:04:09

was cool it was cool rest itself generally

00:04:12

ok the topic is serious very I like it,

00:04:13

I remember the stadiums because

00:04:14

now it’s no longer clear where we’ll

00:04:16

fly, I was on vacation in January and I was with my

00:04:18

family, I went to Switzerland,

00:04:20

sorry, sorry, very dear,

00:04:25

listening to the series, I was ready to admit to

00:04:27

watch every meal, every meal,

00:04:30

one meal, 10 thousand rubles for a family

00:04:33

with a rail boss just imagine

00:04:35

I imagined a day 10,000 rubles one

00:04:39

meal 10 days menghai

00:04:43

left me 30,000

00:04:51

very expensive and look what’s interesting and I

00:04:54

thought she was a collection and in the Alps it’s necessary, well,

00:04:56

go out again, we’ll never come again

00:04:58

for obvious reasons, I think we should go

00:05:00

see what's there, how to

00:05:02

ride and so on, we come to these

00:05:04

rentals

00:05:05

and get 60 thousand rubles in the end one

00:05:10

so far the same day would have cost me if

00:05:13

I agreed to this skill of the game I don't play you

00:05:20

know in the end we just went 5 boron

00:05:23

to see sunset and so on for a ride

00:05:25

in order to regulate I had to

00:05:27

fork out Cartier to them and miracles

00:05:29

and what I want to tell you when I told you

00:05:32

about Sochi it was not in vain that I said it was not in vain

00:05:34

because I came up with this joke about

00:05:36

200 years ago when the first one I came across I really

00:05:37

saw in these major academy not

00:05:39

I liked it and my wife often comes to

00:05:40

my performances and she doesn’t, no, my jokes,

00:05:42

we’ve heard almost everything and the situation is

00:05:45

that we’re going to Switzerland, I’m not sitting on

00:05:48

a cable car and above this we’re a

00:05:52

family from your joke, I spent it like that,

00:05:59

I’m looking down in my in my hands 2

00:06:03

ice cubes like this because I have two children,

00:06:07

I love them, someone should ride in the

00:06:09

Alps this year, in general, the sand is

00:06:14

the foot of the family and the fool

00:06:18

I’m 16 beer, what are you going to do,

00:06:27

but nevertheless, listen to the most funny thing, it’s

00:06:28

great, it’s still kind of expensive,

00:06:30

inexpensive, but with family and really like

00:06:31

families in general when they announced that

00:06:33

we were in a pandemic and everything was closing, there

00:06:35

would be no more concerts, everything would be canceled, it would be postponed, it would be closed,

00:06:36

and I would be at home, I would

00:06:38

n’t go to anyone, it was actually

00:06:40

addressed, the first thing I did first go,

00:06:42

I just kissed hugged the children

00:06:43

hugged I was laval of children, the flow of mine

00:06:45

has already gone, but still I’m not, I’m the first

00:06:48

time my son recently came across the slides will be

00:06:50

salad 1 life and the way they just transferred

00:06:56

overloaded the whole world turned upside down to

00:06:58

salt the questions here they go

00:07:01

somehow bitterly the stroller a minute of the slides will be

00:07:04

all of you in the sense of cooking the object the grandson got caught

00:07:06

bitterly cucumber I make on those peels a cucumber

00:07:08

as it digs the stump for a walk I jumped out then it happens to

00:07:10

look the sun didn’t like working on the

00:07:12

hill will now everything Aizen sometimes

00:07:14

bitterly loves his handbag and now I can

00:07:18

no we’ll load it doesn’t happen but maybe it happens I would

00:07:22

no it doesn’t happen that is 1000 maybe to be the

00:07:24

only one to spoil the winter for them, out of a thousand there may

00:07:26

be one bitter game no, but out of 1000

00:07:27

maybe there is no resentment or why

00:07:29

can’t it when because raisins are grapes for

00:07:31

a second and

00:07:43

then he’s a wife from around the corner than I’m married for a

00:07:55

day and

00:07:57

but it’s cool this is a competition between children

00:07:59

constantly with stupid questions or something

00:08:01

else somewhere there are obstacles in short I go

00:08:02

outside to warm up the car I warm up the car you

00:08:04

basically come for five minutes everything no and

00:08:06

no no it comes and you knew somewhere

00:08:12

when I assembled the frying pan it already makes sense where

00:08:17

were you, I was talking to the crow, I was

00:08:30

passing a photo to my mother or whatever, but I’m

00:08:34

interested in this when I once something is

00:08:35

no longer expected that questions about the sky of

00:08:36

blue and green grass, too, everything

00:08:38

went through until actually when I

00:08:39

recently took a piece of paper from such a clear one why does it

00:08:56

mean when the game is not developed, in the

00:08:57

end, show it to yourself,

00:09:08

I think I’ll stand and someone

00:09:11

gets an Oscar, what was it 1 why are you

00:09:14

not so small anymore, but it seems like at 31 I’m a

00:09:16

star father and children are learning

00:09:23

to drive, it’s not enough to make around the corner,

00:09:33

which clearly shows up, there are none of these

00:09:38

that would become no, neither chickens, they can’t be

00:09:42

wired, and so on, well, I’ll give you tea to the

00:09:45

family, of course, who is a fan, so the

00:09:52

Swiss flew

00:09:55

around and a big hello to you, I’m really

00:10:01

ready for the game of the day, I’ll calm down, the game is

00:10:02

just a day for you such physiology and

00:10:05

where to come boy girl I wouldn’t I don’t

00:10:07

say only for boys but for girls and with

00:10:10

the left you lower the park girl to shoot

00:10:13

parties there are no faces and nits

00:10:18

look strange strange if there are stuck

00:10:24

this oh how strange and to be lazy to me right

00:10:26

now what if this happens, you’ll

00:10:28

run away that very second, it’s clear that you’ve

00:10:30

already been burned, thank you, that’s

00:10:34

all, guys, thank you very much,

00:10:36

this tank is on the TNT channel, we’re starting

00:10:39

[applause]

00:10:42

[music]

00:10:45

in the new season, three of Olga’s exes at once, a

00:10:51

cheerful ex, you’re living last year, the

00:10:54

soul had a ride until still an idle

00:10:57

question daring former acquaintances screams caring ex

00:11:03

lately she's not herself let's make some noise in the

00:11:05

factories

00:11:08

and I really missed you 1 love come on, let's not

00:11:12

care who Olga Moroz I'll go succeed in a

00:11:17

second chance hives before remembering buy flax

00:11:22

pay off the blunder pulga new season

00:11:25

Monday 8 pm 2 premiere episodes

00:11:28

on TNT

00:11:30

[music]

00:11:34

and our first comedian for today our first

00:11:38

comedian for today the guys are big at the estimate

00:11:43

and murjon there

00:11:45

[applause]

00:11:47

[music]

00:11:53

[applause]

00:11:57

hello everyone hello hello thank you so I'm a

00:12:04

forgetful person bad those

00:12:07

forgetful people in the hall, the others

00:12:12

forgot how to eat everything happened, I don’t

00:12:16

know how you are, his mouth, I log in to all accounts

00:12:18

through forgot the password, well, I’m already tired, you

00:12:25

know when the selection of all the

00:12:28

names of those you remember begins, capitalize the letter,

00:12:31

put a comma, numbers, then click on the link,

00:12:34

enter a new one the password

00:12:36

you enter for you once is your old

00:12:38

password and how the hell do you get there and

00:12:44

they need passwords in general anyway hacking

00:12:48

I’m giving it out recently to the mask they hacked and

00:12:53

they don’t care about my cousin my brother’s name was in contact

00:12:55

messages I had to avanti makin money and

00:12:58

we have all the correspondence is like this

00:13:02

and I’ll throw thousands of rubles it happened

00:13:06

my brother is a [ __ ] for a year I was hacked you didn’t throw it

00:13:08

to me to scammers I say I know the

00:13:10

boys at least work [ __ ] these

00:13:18

accounts are hard to get into you know you need to

00:13:20

answer secret questions know this

00:13:23

secret question

00:13:24

the name of your pet I’ve always

00:13:28

kept it a secret, a guy so cool comes up to me on the street, the

00:13:31

dog is what’s his name, Anna

00:13:34

walked away, the [ __ ] decided to hack me, decided to

00:13:42

qwerty 123 stones

00:13:50

in general, numbers are hard to remember when there are

00:13:53

a lot of them, and for this we’ll come up with some kind of rhythm,

00:13:55

2 by 3, I remember

00:13:57

damn you not people know in a very

00:14:00

strange rhythm they call your phone number

00:14:01

these 8 926 140 and 2015 like this

00:14:06

go to hell no hyphens where to put in your head for a

00:14:09

walk people honestly love

00:14:16

numbers people have favorite numbers think

00:14:19

buy ok and spend with your favorite numbers shout out

00:14:23

don’t be shy who

00:14:26

said

00:14:27

raise your pen 13 then your favorite number is

00:14:32

not a number this is a number you

00:14:42

are not satisfied with one three individually

00:14:44

and in general what is your favorite letter

00:14:47

hammer my

00:14:56

brother said it didn’t hit the number eight

00:14:59

game why year is like infinite

00:15:02

I say bro this is not infinite camp

00:15:05

further 9 10 for a very long time until the infinitely

00:15:10

seismic,

00:15:13

I’m still very bothered by people who

00:15:16

force you, strains your memory,

00:15:18

you know these ones who force you to

00:15:20

tell the story for them, yes, dude, in

00:15:22

short, recently in the Phoebe cafe at night there was a

00:15:24

yellow sign, what’s the name of you don’t remember,

00:15:25

this is there, Slava Alibayev will burn

00:15:28

your hands to help how but he’s such a [ __ ],

00:15:30

get ready, I really don’t like it when

00:15:36

my memory is tested by you like this, you’re reading a

00:15:38

book and half a word is transferred to the back side of

00:15:40

the page, you can’t remember it,

00:15:42

which one is Putin, I don’t even

00:15:50

try to figure out what’s written there, you

00:15:52

know when you read a word wrong, so

00:15:54

let it continue like this and it will be and

00:15:56

evening came on the street, they blew their nose, they

00:16:00

hurt some hair, it boiled like this and I’ll leave it I

00:16:07

actually wanted some effect from the book

00:16:09

to feel like from a rocking chair, you know that you have

00:16:11

n’t seen a person for six months, you met them, they

00:16:13

started talking, he’s such a fight, are you reading or are

00:16:16

you not at all like that

00:16:24

I also like to walk in the parks walked in the

00:16:29

parks to relax in I notice that in the

00:16:31

country with Caucasians you don’t

00:16:33

relax you saw how the Caucasians are walking

00:16:37

and right now the video is being filmed

00:16:44

pure pleasure goes for which one exploded behind the

00:16:53

back of the building goes behind the back of the

00:16:57

building on the back bag food index goes

00:17:03

this when a hot guy got you a

00:17:07

cold burger, this is the story, well,

00:17:10

because it’s not cool to rush at all, it’s not

00:17:13

cool at all, they saw how the subway car was given a forged supply

00:17:15

and the delica door closed, he had to

00:17:20

escort the car so cleanly

00:17:23

[music]

00:17:29

there’s a car, I’ll see, I went down

00:17:33

in general, the speed of movement of a Caucasian

00:17:35

depends from which girl is walking next to him, the

00:17:37

sexy girl is chipped, the slower the

00:17:40

Caucasian is walking and she’s in the party, the girl

00:17:43

in these short shorts is very

00:17:45

short where you can see a little tailbone and

00:17:48

next to her there’s just a [ __ ] jelly show in

00:17:51

makosi on you from he spread out he didn’t

00:17:54

move from his place I also like there prostitutes came in, you

00:17:57

can somehow move faster in

00:17:59

general Caucasians even like to

00:18:07

talk slowly brother I will punish every

00:18:12

Caucasian the DJ himself walks saw when the

00:18:15

slowdown effect quickly turns into

00:18:17

acceleration when the Caucasus is such a nature

00:18:21

I get rid of it the

00:18:23

DJ there screwed up the cash register they even

00:18:28

love animals that get high we saw an

00:18:32

eagle,

00:18:33

it doesn’t fly, it hangs

00:18:37

about what a clear thing the boys don’t even

00:18:43

flap their wings once again because but here it is necessary so I’m

00:18:46

treating the fat of molecules to everyone, to be

00:18:55

honest, I wouldn’t want the Caucasus to

00:18:58

walk around imposingly, I would like it when the

00:19:00

Caucasus would leave the crowd so that they don’t move around

00:19:02

like Charlie Chaplin

00:19:04

think cool they are coming like this oh the

00:19:09

Dagestanis are coming cool guys

00:19:17

and thank you for your attention donor bye

00:19:21

[applause]

00:19:24

[music]

00:19:32

well meet our next

00:19:33

wonderful comedian guys Andrey class [

00:19:36

applause]

00:19:41

[music]

00:19:47

good heat mint hello I told you all

00:19:51

about my wife because I

00:19:53

don’t really love her, she hasn’t worked for me for four years, well, it

00:19:56

doesn’t mean that I was fired,

00:20:00

no, on the contrary, she quit herself and everyone

00:20:02

begged her to stay, they were lying at

00:20:04

her feet, it’s not really all honest, only me but not

00:20:10

Andrey’s wording had an effect on us; I’m not developing there now and

00:20:12

sits at home for four years and develops. You know,

00:20:14

she has these motivational

00:20:17

courses, trainings, you know, on development are

00:20:19

endless, let’s just make

00:20:21

a reservation right away, I’m not against motivational

00:20:23

courses and trainings, I know that stupidly

00:20:26

30 they help for sure Everyone has at

00:20:28

least one friend

00:20:29

who didn’t succeed at

00:20:31

work, yes, he went to motivational

00:20:33

courses, and after that everyone hit the

00:20:35

rocks, yes, no, no, such people

00:20:38

don’t exist in nature, you know, not a

00:20:42

single one, I’m not against courses that will teach you

00:20:45

what you need -you know, skills, you know, a

00:20:47

deep passion, maybe

00:20:49

something guttural, well, well, her whole course

00:20:52

is some kind of abstract crap, you know,

00:20:54

like a course, expansion of consciousness, what is it, how can

00:20:56

I check it

00:21:00

? I came

00:21:02

home there was borscht and a course in expanding

00:21:04

consciousness, what is it I come home and say

00:21:06

where is the bigger leg tobot thing in your

00:21:08

mind dory look or let’s

00:21:10

order a delivery in peace it’s normal

00:21:11

that you she

00:21:16

continues to talk with these cliched phrases like what

00:21:17

if we are the same family where the wife

00:21:20

has developed, developed and is now dragging the

00:21:22

family completely game, what if we are the

00:21:24

same family where the wife has developed,

00:21:27

developed and developed, how will

00:21:30

not the whole family drag you away, only suitcases to your mother, well,

00:21:34

she lives in Rostov and I am in Moscow

00:21:36

during these courses and phoned and threw a

00:21:38

tantrum on my feet wait, I understand you are

00:21:39

dissatisfied, let's

00:21:40

go out at night, sky, my friend and I

00:21:43

have prepared a surprise for you at night, I'm

00:21:45

going out on Skype, they're sitting with my friend, she's

00:21:47

on fire, look, I can what we want to

00:21:49

show you, they take out whatman paper like this,

00:21:51

unfolding it, this is the coat of arms of our family, we

00:21:54

drew it in heraldry courses,

00:21:56

here she is why are you crying Andrey,

00:21:59

well, I’m crying out of happiness, finally I’ll have a

00:22:03

coat of arms, everyone

00:22:04

laughed at me during the Crusades, and now a

00:22:07

[ __ ] will come without a coat of arms,

00:22:09

put a bucket on his head, go about the

00:22:12

salt,

00:22:15

everyone tells me so, you just didn’t

00:22:17

give money for these courses, I’m not against

00:22:20

the courses, I’ll explain to you what I’m afraid of, I’m

00:22:22

afraid that it will develop so much that there’s

00:22:25

no shooting in the head, this idea of

00:22:27

organizing a women’s business, you know

00:22:29

what I’m talking about, women’s business when a

00:22:31

woman has gone through some experience and believes

00:22:33

that she is now this can make

00:22:35

money, like, I got married, I can

00:22:38

be a wedding planner, or I

00:22:41

gave birth, I can sell women's and

00:22:42

children's clothes, or I [ __ ] my

00:22:46

head in the closet, I could cook, now you

00:22:47

understand, well, a

00:22:51

woman, she is not like a man, he is suitable for

00:22:54

business, a man, he there she analyzes

00:22:56

break-even points, looks for

00:22:58

investors, looks for a business plan, a woman simply

00:23:00

collects according to instructions from YouTube and a

00:23:02

bouquet of sausages, you know, she

00:23:04

got it at some point,

00:23:09

like I can earn

00:23:12

money with this, this is a clear formulation, a woman

00:23:16

can’t earn money with this business money for money, you can buy an apartment, buy

00:23:20

a car, she'll take the money and carry it to

00:23:22

another babies business for nails, you know, she'll give it away, you

00:23:24

know, 3 for a piece with

00:23:26

beads, and the money went in circles like that, it

00:23:29

went from one woman, take away only a bunch of

00:23:31

this scheme will collapse on KVN, you know, well,

00:23:34

the men are suffering, you know, no involve

00:23:36

men in your business if this is your

00:23:37

business, I have a friend who works in a

00:23:39

large position at a bank and his wife is a

00:23:41

wedding planner, and one

00:23:44

night before a very important meeting at

00:23:46

three o’clock in the morning, my friend couldn’t sleep because he

00:23:48

was cutting out plywood the letter I on + Konstantin

00:23:50

and the realization that you don’t have to

00:23:55

do this comes unexpectedly, you understand

00:23:57

he’s like this at some point he just

00:24:02

goes to bed and the wedding planner is

00:24:04

shocked because tomorrow she needs to explain

00:24:06

why there’s an inscription I on the nickname above the young people

00:24:10

as if I started your wedding

00:24:12

agency three that the sign iron answer

00:24:15

how he identify women the same picture

00:24:17

we and who asked I actually organized everything myself

00:24:18

in the woman here I myself I

00:24:20

actually will look myself already and then at

00:24:22

two o’clock in the morning we pick up at the station from the

00:24:24

conductor I'm [ __ ] my own box of beads,

00:24:28

you're itching to see this soap bastard

00:24:30

you in i go,

00:24:31

I talk about this when the girl doesn't burn,

00:24:33

it's sexist to talk like that, it's sexist and

00:24:35

denies that men help you, you

00:24:37

know, any women's business

00:24:39

starts with the fact that Valerie bought it there

00:24:41

sneakers Valera twizy their over there

00:24:42

Valera pay this bill and

00:24:44

then one woman will get wildberries

00:24:47

for everyone else just for [ __ ]

00:24:50

Valera you know, well, which will be lying

00:24:52

at home and I think we should go there tomorrow

00:24:54

so take it there in the

00:24:56

evening if there is time left then I’ll

00:24:58

hang it here just where Once I was performing and

00:25:03

one girl from the first row with a

00:25:05

cocktail in her hand shouted at me, by the way,

00:25:07

behind every successful man there is a

00:25:10

woman, you think so too, yes, well,

00:25:15

100 and dear, shut up and stop, don’t

00:25:17

do anything, you know, just, well, I can handle it,

00:25:19

honestly speaking about men It’s unlikely that they will cope,

00:25:21

but it should look like I

00:25:23

don’t know where somewhere a long time ago the

00:25:24

Nobel Prize presentation comes out, the Nobel

00:25:26

laureate receives the prize, then the wife

00:25:27

comes out, so now I’ll tell you how it

00:25:29

really was, he worked very hard,

00:25:32

he was tired and you always supported him, he

00:25:35

came home, I met him, he looked

00:25:39

at me, said I’ll go, I’ll probably

00:25:42

work again, thank you very much, friends,

00:25:45

very cool audience

00:25:46

[applause]

00:25:47

[music]

00:25:49

[applause] [

00:25:51

music]

00:25:52

[applause]

00:25:54

anus guys and placement is cool

00:25:59

Andryukha told me that his wife

00:26:00

does a lot of different things, they

00:26:02

go all the time some courses I left

00:26:03

work, I think it’s just so that I have

00:26:04

more time to cook no

00:26:10

okay good Maidan just

00:26:16

came up with this were less starts and not

00:26:19

Smirnov guys with on the sieve favorite wine

00:26:21

[applause]

00:26:23

[music]

00:26:30

hello everyone how am I to see you very

00:26:38

important question,

00:26:39

applaud who rents the apartment, well,

00:26:46

not enough, not enough, I will

00:26:48

reassure myself that the rest are generally

00:26:49

homeless, why did I start living with

00:26:53

a girl Abram, well, I exhaled, everything is

00:26:54

planned out, everything is very comfortable, I’m going

00:26:57

to the store, I know what I need, the girl with

00:27:00

you can’t walk around in stores,

00:27:01

especially in large ones, something

00:27:03

breaks right away, well, mine is constantly

00:27:06

approaching the cart, so it’s active on the promotion

00:27:09

and goes to the checkout that for 15 thousand it’s

00:27:14

ours, what kind of shares were Gazprom that night

00:27:16

2

00:27:20

but I’m very glad that we are together with her We

00:27:23

went through quarantine, this very isolation, well, everyone

00:27:26

panicked, but I didn’t understand at all why they were

00:27:29

panicking, but they

00:27:30

didn’t explain anything to us what kind of

00:27:31

coronavirus it was, everything that was explained to us in three

00:27:34

months, it’s very dangerous, most often the

00:27:36

old ones die, I kill the young, but that’s how it’s

00:27:39

always been, well,

00:27:47

the most important thing is that What happened was that right

00:27:50

before quarantine, the girl and I managed to

00:27:52

get married, it was important,

00:27:58

but applaud the couples who have been dating for a long time

00:28:01

but still don’t get married

00:28:04

[applause] there

00:28:06

is always this girl who is a

00:28:08

great question, why don’t I even

00:28:16

judge the guy, that’s right, you’re on your

00:28:19

own you scare me, you read all the time, you know about

00:28:22

our past, that’s your favorite question,

00:28:24

how many girls did you have before me?

00:28:26

Well, I already asked a friend of the ogres,

00:28:28

how many would suit you?

00:28:41

don’t worry, they died, it’s

00:28:46

better to continue asking questions about

00:28:49

this situation, but everyone went crazy

00:28:51

when I said that I was getting married, dad

00:28:54

called on the first day, Britano took your last

00:28:56

name and the snail was accepted,

00:28:58

and who will continue our growth,

00:29:00

I say what kind of Smirnovs the remaining three

00:29:03

million are in my hands everything is captured, why should

00:29:09

I do this? My girl, according to her

00:29:10

[ __ ] passport, will look

00:29:13

like she’s a rude competitor to her,

00:29:20

but friends in general, friends are panicking, but

00:29:23

especially from the thread, everyone suddenly has someone who is

00:29:25

an alpha but a theorist and

00:29:30

no one’s mind at some point began to show

00:29:32

him how cool one I started

00:29:34

sending intimate photos of girls

00:29:35

that they sent to him and everyone

00:29:37

signed and I didn’t even ask for

00:29:40

this is my earring me too and I don’t even know

00:29:45

how to respond to such photos but I mean they

00:29:48

sent me once in my life I wrote

00:29:50

you’re beautiful and to me the girl answered tell

00:29:52

me what I don’t know because the

00:29:55

circumference of the earth is available to girls,

00:30:00

accessible education, I understand these.

00:30:05

and they

00:30:11

always ask me to this day,

00:30:14

like, you’ve had your fill, I don’t know, maybe the

00:30:18

guy can even say to himself, I’ve

00:30:20

had a walk, but

00:30:21

this is what the venereologist usually says to us: I’ve

00:30:25

had a walk, well, keep your [ __ ], hang it

00:30:30

somewhere, I don’t know what, I’m the goal of

00:30:32

helping,

00:30:36

it’s like it’s too modest, what in

00:30:38

principle, to have some fun, well, I mean, I

00:30:40

don’t need it; in our society, it’s not even

00:30:42

customary for a guy and a girl to openly

00:30:44

discuss sex, even if your girlfriend is

00:30:47

already heading towards sex, you both have to

00:30:49

pretend that there’s no need to have sex,

00:30:51

getting, especially this helps when

00:30:54

It turns out that sex didn’t

00:30:56

matter at all when you’re driving a taxi 1 and that’s what I

00:31:02

wanted, I washed it with the center for this and

00:31:06

took condoms like that, you were just

00:31:10

now two unnecessary condoms home, that’s

00:31:13

normal, I have Ksenia and some have

00:31:18

such ambitious plans for the current what needs to be

00:31:21

done before you get married from my

00:31:23

friend until I fulfill all my sexual fantasies,

00:31:25

no marriage at all, he has

00:31:27

1 fantasy with a nurse,

00:31:29

I don’t know how you can get a nurse together in a

00:31:31

hospital, guys, remember at least once in

00:31:34

your life for you to come to the hospital

00:31:36

in a cool way about it, well, we’re all

00:31:39

nonentities there, we’re like that, I’ll send it, I want to

00:31:42

send it to anyone, but what is this

00:31:46

even if even if a nurse is just a

00:31:49

role-playing game, you’re a girl, not everyone will

00:31:51

succeed, my wife is one and a half meters long, there are no

00:31:55

gowns for one and a half meters, and this is very

00:31:57

important, this is dangerous moment, well, what was the

00:31:59

fantasy of the mixture building in front of you, a

00:32:01

cook from kindergarten, why is this necessary?

00:32:07

Well, we started looking straight away for some

00:32:10

costumes for her height, no, the only thing that saved us was

00:32:13

that all the children’s costumes for the New Year

00:32:15

and down were decided by my mother and I

00:32:18

don’t have nurses but I [ __ ] the astrologer regularly, I

00:32:25

didn’t notice at all while we were looking for all

00:32:27

these pasoks in the costume shop, I realized that

00:32:29

you would be in vain saying that we are men, some kind of

00:32:30

perverts, girls, in fact, the sex shop is

00:32:33

80 percent for you, it’s just that you call it all

00:32:36

very cute toys,

00:32:38

and this weapons we found a vibrator there

00:32:43

that makes 400 frictions per minute,

00:32:46

why do it at all, it’s like some guy

00:32:49

got sick of a girl during sex,

00:32:50

hearing words faster that he’s such a children

00:32:53

[ __ ], I’ll do it faster, I can beat you,

00:32:56

understandably, friends, that’s all for me,

00:32:59

thank you very much

00:33:00

[ applause]

00:33:03

[music]

00:33:06

new series TNT month from the fog from

00:33:15

[music]

00:33:25

reduction what's in it for the new series not

00:33:28

for the faint of heart

00:33:29

survival game only for viewers

00:33:31

over 16 from Monday to Thursday at 22

00:33:34

00 on TNT

00:33:40

meet betao originally from

00:33:42

St. Petersburg in lollipops before

00:33:44

[applause]

00:33:45

[music]

00:33:52

us

00:33:53

[music]

00:33:54

good evening

00:33:58

so guys can congratulate me I

00:34:02

unfollowed my ex

00:34:07

for good this was before when I wanted to

00:34:13

get him back there was this topic unsubscribed

00:34:15

subscribed subscribed subscribed

00:34:18

instagram.com reasons for developing me with

00:34:21

alcohol are the same relationship refused

00:34:23

to swell

00:34:25

refused to swell I don’t even know what’s

00:34:32

worse, this topic or once and penis

00:34:34

direct you go and there’s silence in response,

00:34:38

so it looks very sad when

00:34:40

your penis is alone in the direct message and the

00:34:42

inscription at the bottom has been viewed I’m not even

00:34:49

offended by any review

00:34:53

so I’m through two hours, my own dick

00:34:55

liked you, I liked you, the next

00:35:02

day, and I almost had a sniff, I didn’t even bother to

00:35:04

congratulate you because, in my opinion,

00:35:06

your penis looks even sadder, and from below,

00:35:10

happy birthday [applause]

00:35:11

I won’t be able to handle such a relationship for the second time

00:35:14

of course, I have an ex-super

00:35:16

spectacular young lady of

00:35:17

lights, I always hit up even when you’re

00:35:19

nearby and difficult guys hit up and the

00:35:22

uncles I drove open the door and you,

00:35:24

by inertia, do a strong vu ple and are not yet one

00:35:31

of those who get high when his girlfriend

00:35:33

is stared at, it’s one thing when you’re with her go

00:35:35

look at her and appreciate your respect and

00:35:37

0 and you’re like that, but it’s another thing when for

00:35:41

a long time it’s my dad

00:35:44

[laughter]

00:35:50

because the problem is that against the backdrop of a

00:35:52

charismatic man, any simpleton blossoms into a

00:35:53

girl, but

00:35:55

against the backdrop of a spectacular sexy

00:35:57

woman, any simple man looks even better

00:36:00

the [ __ ] is simpler about how it looks to the driver that a

00:36:04

simple man looked at least a little more

00:36:06

advantageous against his background there must be a sludge on

00:36:08

and who is yelling into the intercom

00:36:14

[applause]

00:36:20

against her background even

00:36:23

men who are good good good hydrogen will look advantageous,

00:36:36

God forbid, I had enough in common when the

00:36:38

ex started to sort things out with me

00:36:40

when did this topic start Valya I

00:36:42

don’t have enough emotions Valya I don’t have enough

00:36:46

emotions yes I see you take your nose off

00:36:53

of course you don’t have enough emotions above the

00:36:56

concept of emotions for guys girls are different

00:36:58

for a girl cool emotions it’s

00:37:00

flying in a hot air balloon over Paris for a

00:37:02

guy cool emotions and when you're in French

00:37:04

fries 1 rustic caught

00:37:13

and you're like

00:37:16

this is a birthday and I can't for sure I won't

00:37:23

be shorter I don't like it when a woman

00:37:25

commands I can't do anything at all I haven't been able to

00:37:27

do anything since childhood I guess it was a

00:37:29

small grandmother who raised me but my

00:37:32

grandmother didn't the fact that she commanded me, she

00:37:34

forbade me everything, so at the age of 16 I

00:37:36

had this famous teenage

00:37:37

protest,

00:37:39

I pierced my ears, inserted earrings and

00:37:43

went home, and the closer I got to the

00:37:48

house, the louder my inner glass screamed

00:37:58

when my grandmother in the kitchen saw these

00:38:00

earrings of miracles I didn’t tear out my ears just like I was on

00:38:03

drugs, I threw them under the refrigerator, they’re

00:38:05

still lying there in the trash, they’re

00:38:07

thinking Valya, what are our plans for you, we’re

00:38:11

highlighting, we planned to [ __ ]

00:38:16

Phoebe and the Charmed Ones, and I’m saying, I

00:38:23

don’t wish my ex harm in any way, I

00:38:26

absolutely just want her to everything

00:38:29

was average above him he will be a rich

00:38:33

successful husband, the main thing is that he does every 10

00:38:35

seconds

00:38:39

[applause]

00:38:43

at night baby let's go to Abu Dhabi it's

00:38:50

just that I've been pancakes for so long and for a very long time I

00:38:53

wanted to prove to my ex that I'm cool

00:38:55

after breaking up, every guy

00:38:58

had this when, after a breakup, you’re in your head

00:39:00

and you meet your ex like I did in your

00:39:04

head, I wouldn’t have met her, I hit her

00:39:06

in a BMW, she

00:39:09

just flew into a vat of [ __ ], plopped down

00:39:12

there, I came out of the BMW with

00:39:15

hair,

00:39:23

but in life everything in general not like that, I don’t

00:39:27

trust him, I recently met him, I came out of the bottom of the BMW,

00:39:30

I came out of Dixie, she’s from the military, when we

00:39:35

met him, I was so confused, she’s

00:39:37

burning for me, hello, and the most I

00:39:39

could squeeze out of myself was that

00:39:46

Scrata from the Czech cartoon

00:39:48

turned into a god and the [ __ ] began to

00:39:50

retreat, [ __ ] me, there was

00:39:51

such a hole in my ass, I thought now I’ll see at all for a

00:39:54

century, I won’t wash myself off, I was so stressed,

00:39:58

[ __ ], I just had to understand two

00:40:00

days later and wrote it wasn’t me, that’s

00:40:04

all for me, thank you very much and good luck, love

00:40:06

patience for now

00:40:07

[ applause]

00:40:09

[music]

00:40:14

Valentin sidra in St. Petersburg guys

00:40:19

Valek he by the way coal firstly loves

00:40:21

him they call him secondly she is a professional

00:40:24

theater actor imagine that is the

00:40:25

only person on the stage who

00:40:27

has opsosam who finished

00:40:28

finished and they saw this saw like this

00:40:30

and this it’s clear, yes, it’s clear that it helps him

00:40:34

feel very confident on stage,

00:40:36

despite the fact that he brought you to life for 30

00:40:38

years, imagine like this, it seems to me that he

00:40:42

was talking about his ex, it’s all

00:40:43

about the hairstyle, well, guys, or not

00:40:49

Smirnov and Validen Sidorov and Andrea Mass

00:40:51

and Timur Dantes and even I, no more no

00:40:54

less, all grew up on this man

00:40:58

[music]

00:40:59

[applause] [

00:41:01

music]

00:41:14

hello guys, good evening, hello everyone,

00:41:16

thank you very much for such an

00:41:22

announcement, I even thought that I was a

00:41:23

Cheburashka, you know, apparently on whom we

00:41:26

grew up, Lyokha is an excellent presenter let's

00:41:29

applaud charges everyone with positivity trifle fuel

00:41:33

nods today there are such

00:41:36

people and paid who arrived not so

00:41:39

many people for that my favorite audience

00:41:41

yes these are the people who go to stand-up under

00:41:44

the motto we really like your jokes but we

00:41:46

also played it safe yes now is the time you

00:41:52

need to be in everything I’m sure I do

00:41:56

n’t mind at all if people drink before a

00:41:57

performance if they know how to control themselves,

00:41:59

unfortunately this doesn’t always happen,

00:42:01

I once performed in a hall, also in a

00:42:03

concert hall, and at such an event

00:42:05

one guy got drunk to death, as

00:42:07

you ask and I’ll tell you it was a

00:42:10

difficult man, it was a man with a

00:42:12

liter of Coca-Cola,

00:42:14

you know such men in such

00:42:16

inventors

00:42:17

who flooded half of his head with cognac

00:42:20

such people I’m with you for any

00:42:22

event you know and I especially love it when

00:42:25

such a man has Coca Cola zero I’m like

00:42:27

that, you watch your figure and fall asleep this

00:42:30

chin you don’t take care of your figure very much and

00:42:34

in short such a man at the concert was very

00:42:36

swollen I don’t know why he

00:42:38

started screaming and shouting words to me shouting

00:42:41

just sounds of the press about the section so just a

00:42:47

stranger under the hawthorn tree and

00:42:49

he shouted it all out and thank you

00:42:54

so kindly to me

00:42:57

and he shouted it all out, the most funny thing of course,

00:43:00

and it was not me who ran out of patience,

00:43:02

but his wife, because at some

00:43:04

point she started doing it like this, this

00:43:06

was his face, she started doing it like this,

00:43:10

she just slammed it into the table

00:43:13

there was the best applause in my

00:43:16

life with alcohol, of course you have to be

00:43:24

careful, because there are

00:43:26

memory lapses if you overdo it with alcohol,

00:43:28

who paid for that and what a

00:43:32

funny applause for Moscow, this is

00:43:35

not considered a problem, well, I don’t remember, I don’t

00:43:38

remember what I’m talking about, my life is so funny so that it’s

00:43:40

all right remember

00:43:42

okay, I got it, I got it, it’s called that there are

00:43:45

several categories of people who have

00:43:46

memory lapses, at least the first category

00:43:48

is those who don’t remember anything, you tell them

00:43:50

liquid stories, how embarrassing, how embarrassing,

00:43:53

and this same weekend, and the

00:43:56

next category of people are those people

00:43:58

who just to those with whom they drank

00:44:00

they plan not to intersect anymore, you

00:44:02

know, they’re like that, why should we even be

00:44:05

friends now? I don’t want something like that, what are you saying

00:44:08

yesterday, I’m like that, stop living in the past, we need to

00:44:12

move on guys, I don’t pretend to be

00:44:17

a saint, and I also had lapses in

00:44:18

memory, I’ll tell you about your

00:44:20

worst memory loss, the one after

00:44:22

which you think why live like this,

00:44:24

look, I was in a nightclub, I drank

00:44:26

this cocktail, tequila boom, you know,

00:44:29

la sprite boom, this cocktail, I drank

00:44:31

a lot and very often, so often that

00:44:34

at some point and woe to the bartender, and

00:44:36

he’s so run out of sprite,

00:44:39

I say that our drunk is still a

00:44:42

little man, he looks at me and understands

00:44:44

that I won’t leave and he’s like that, but I can

00:44:46

make this kilo boom with champagne, I’m

00:44:51

such a miracle, I didn’t tell you right away that

00:44:54

they make such lu here use champagne

00:44:58

people never never drink it for nothing it’s

00:45:01

darkness I don’t know in what

00:45:05

state I was walking home or crawling there the

00:45:07

boys were smoking spice so they

00:45:09

made a remark to me they were like, well,

00:45:16

Russia can’t be there anymore, there

00:45:19

should be some kind of conscience at all everyone Valera don’t

00:45:22

look at him take off your shirt lie

00:45:24

back in the puddle we weren’t shocked and in the end

00:45:28

I came home I it happened in Minsk I

00:45:30

lived on the eighth floor my elevator didn’t work

00:45:32

I walked into the entrance and then the

00:45:35

worst thing of my life happened I walked

00:45:38

into entrance I look at the clock 317 I walk up

00:45:41

to the eighth floor I look at the clock

00:45:44

421

00:45:45

[laughter]

00:45:47

[applause]

00:45:51

I'm like where was I damn it wasn't so

00:45:56

scary I woke up my father the

00:45:58

father told him everything his son can't drink like that

00:46:00

remember he said about what happened that night

00:46:03

time they translated for me, [ __ ] didn’t

00:46:08

say anything, you know,

00:46:14

from my own father, then I

00:46:16

didn’t drink for two months, but my father drank, the most terrible

00:46:22

thing for me is still not

00:46:24

memory lapses, but this moment when you’re drunk,

00:46:26

but you can figure everything out here, and your

00:46:28

speech apparatus he just went home, you

00:46:30

know, when he’s just like that, he’ll

00:46:32

then tell himself for himself and the cue ball,

00:46:37

well, thank you, thank you very much, well, it’s

00:46:40

perfect here, in short, I was once in a

00:46:45

nightclub, my friends and I drank a lot,

00:46:47

I lost my number, I come to the

00:46:49

wardrobe, I start pointing at my

00:46:51

jacket from the outside it looks like

00:46:53

some drunk dude just

00:46:55

liked this jacket come in want the

00:46:58

jacket

00:47:00

to have the jacket is simple and the cloakroom attendant

00:47:03

absolutely reasonably asks me what

00:47:05

was in the pockets of food and kaya I

00:47:11

hate this drunken filthy skating rink most of all and

00:47:15

you are just like a stinking heart

00:47:17

It’s impossible to respect such a person

00:47:20

in general, you just

00:47:22

put on an important look like that, she’s not

00:47:25

like a snail, get the [ __ ] out of here anyway, what’s the

00:47:28

reason, [ __ ], who let you in, what kind

00:47:35

of jacket, too, you live under a bush, damn it,

00:47:38

I don’t like getting drunk, I don’t like

00:47:40

getting drunk, I like coming home

00:47:42

drunk you know the state of how

00:47:44

you come home before going to bed, you

00:47:45

try to watch something, you know how

00:47:48

you turn on YouTube, it’s like a

00:47:50

documentary about how a [ __ ] wolf pack works,

00:47:54

well, you have to watch, you have to watch, I’m in a

00:48:01

sense a wolf myself, so I’m not

00:48:05

drunk and in love with a guy at bedtime

00:48:07

watch something before the most ambitious ones turn on

00:48:09

porn in a couple of minutes like who am I

00:48:12

serving where is there a film about a wolf pack I’ll distort it

00:48:15

at him in general I know what I

00:48:19

understood and realized that I’m drunk I really like to

00:48:21

watch motivational videos I

00:48:23

despise him sober and I like it when I’m drunk I like

00:48:25

them like this, you can start running tomorrow at six in the morning,

00:48:32

it’s just in fifteen minutes,

00:48:36

thank you all, you’ll be fine with this meeting bye

00:48:45

gun, thank you everyone, it was the standards of the

00:48:48

TNT TV channel, see

00:48:50

you all in a week, skillfully just now

00:48:52

Baba [applause]

00:48:55

[music]

00:49:19

version all please give me my name is

00:49:22

Timur firstly you didn’t have to

00:49:25

go through anything because before but secondly this

00:49:28

was only the first test before

00:49:29

we have their Van homosexual

00:49:40

gold of Gelendzhik September 13th everyone in the

00:49:43

evening on TNT

Description:

В выпуске: Алексей Щербаков, Тимур Джанкезов, Андрей Атлас , Денис Смирнов , Валентин Сидоров , Слава Комисаренко Производство: Comedy Club Production StandUp в соц. сетях: Vk: https://vk.com/brandnewshow Teleg: https://t.me/stndptnt Телеканал ТНТ в соц. сетях: YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/tntonlineru VK: https://vk.com/tnt Teleg: https://t.me/TNT_television

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