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детская психология

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воспитание детей

юлия гиппенрейтер

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00:00:05

communicate with a child as the author Yulia

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Borisovna Gippenreiter Yulia Borisovna

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Gippenreiter

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of her book communicate with a child how it

00:00:18

was possible to synthesize the theoretical

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works of scientists of the Soviet psychological

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school and the achievements of Western practical

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psychology

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the author suggests looking at the problems of

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education not from the position of training

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criticism and retaliation, but from the point of view of

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unconditional acceptance of the child no

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matter what he is and no matter how he behaves, the

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rater believes that in most cases

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it is parents who provoke bad

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behavior in children and offers a number of simple

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rules of communication, observing which mothers and

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fathers contribute to the development of the child,

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maintain a good relationship with him and

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raise a self-confident,

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independent person

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in in the process of education there are no

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hopeless situations;

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conflicts that arise from time to time

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with the right approach can be resolved with

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mutual benefit;

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discipline can be conflict-free and

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difficult children will definitely change for the

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better if parents reconsider

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their behavior

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[music]

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unconditional acceptance of the child

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Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter is convinced that the

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basis of harmonious relationship with a

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child is based on the principle of

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unconditional acceptance,

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unconditionally accepting a child means

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loving him not because he is beautiful and

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successful, obedient, but simply because he

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is,

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many problems between parents and

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children begin with careless

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statements like

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if you are a good boy, I will

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not love you stop fighting, get bad grades,

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be lazy, I don’t want to communicate with you,

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above the phase of the phrase, the child decides that the

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parents’ love for him is conditional and

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is possible only if the need for love,

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love for belonging, that is, the need for

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another, is one of the fundamental

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human needs and

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satisfaction is a

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necessary condition for the normal development of

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the child affectionate looks, touches and

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words tell the baby how important he is to you,

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that he is a good

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psychotherapist, Virginia Satir argued

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that 4 hugs a day are necessary for a person

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to survive, and for good

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health

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they need at least 8

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if the child does not receive verbal and

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non-verbal signs of love, he

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develops emotional and behavioral

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problems that can develop into

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neuropsychiatric diseases,

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the author identifies several reasons that

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prevent parents from showing love for their

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children, I am determined to raise him, I will spoil him

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if I hug him when he behaves badly, the

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unplanned birth of a

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child makes the child

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responsible for a failed family

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life or career

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Kim In this way, the child becomes

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hostage to the parents' complexes of

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ambition and misconceptions about

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upbringing;

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often it is the parents who need to be

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provided with psychological help so that they

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can build normal relationships with

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their children.

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These year-old girls developed symptoms

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of neurosis and her mother turned

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to a psychologist for help. In a conversation, the woman

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mentioned that her daughter once asked her

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Mom, what was the biggest trouble

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your dad had before I was born,

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why are you asking about this? My mother was surprised

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because then the biggest

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trouble you had was I answered the

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girl, they

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cited the parents’ constant comments

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that the child is bad,

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it’s not such a real punishment and

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everyone is constantly tired of positive things. attitude towards

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oneself

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nk is laid down in the first years of life and

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has a huge impact on a person’s fate;

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how parents communicate with the child is

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extremely important

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if the child is understood and accepted; they are tolerant

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of his mistakes and support him in every possible way; he

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develops a

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positive attitude towards himself; and if

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he is constantly drilled,

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they scold him and criticize his self-esteem

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suffers greatly as a result, children with low

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self-esteem, even with good

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abilities, study worse, get along poorly with

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peers and teachers, and are generally less

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successful than their peers with high

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self-esteem. In the

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elementary grades of one Moscow school, a

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psychological study was conducted

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whose purpose was to identify

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how life is lived. children who received

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the label bad or good in the first grade

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in each class were allocated three to

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four students from each group, the results

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were amazing,

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the excellent student in general received 23

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approving or praising phrases per day,

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well done, take an example from him, excellent as

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always,

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only one or two negative comments, the

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same time, 25 critical remarks were made to the poor students a

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day, again you are

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no good, I don’t know what to do with you,

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and only one or even not a single

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positive or neutral address

00:05:40

to the classmates also did not favor the poor students,

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not accepting them into the game,

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the study was continued in the colony

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for minors

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showed that 98 percent of juvenile

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delinquents were not accepted by

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peers and teachers

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from the first grades of school rules of communication

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Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter believes that most

00:06:05

often a child’s bad behavior is

00:06:08

due to the incorrect behavior of

00:06:10

parents

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the author offers 9 rules that

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will help mothers and fathers

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better understand their children, rule number

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one is not intervene in what

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the child is doing if he does not ask for help,

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intervention will signal

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the child that everything is fine with you, you

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will undoubtedly cope

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even if your son or daughter does something

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wrong, try to stay

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away children react differently to

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comments, some become sadder and become

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confused others withdraw into themselves the

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third

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rebels

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if what the child produces seems

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simple to adults but don’t forget

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how difficult it was to write the first letters for the

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first time assembling a construction set or

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throwing the ball into a basketball basket it’s

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worth pointing out mistakes but with extreme

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caution

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firstly there’s no need to notice

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every mistake secondly it is better to discuss the

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mistake then in a calm atmosphere they are

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when the child is busy with business

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oracle as nickname writes a letter to his grandmother you

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look over his shoulder the letter is

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touching written but carelessly there are

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too many mistakes

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and who wouldn’t make a remark

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however in response to your criticism the Qing

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site and refuses to write further or

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lives with anger letters

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than to interfere, think about whether

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such criticism will be useful

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[music]

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rule number 2

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if the child is having a difficult time and he is ready to accept

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your help, be sure to help him at

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first glance spent 12 contradict

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each other, but this is not so

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we are talking about different situations in the first

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case, the child does

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not ask for help and even protests

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if they try to provide it;

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in the second option, the child either directly

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asks for help or complains that

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nothing is working out for him;

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rule 2 is based on the psychological

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law of the zone of proximal development,

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discovered by psychologist Lev Semenovich

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Vygotsky

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at every age for everyone the child

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has a range of tasks that he can

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do on his own; other tasks he

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copes with only with the participation of an adult,

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and some tasks are not yet available to him;

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gradually the range of tasks he can do

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independently expands due to those

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that were done together with his

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parents; the zone of joint tasks; the

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child’s potential for the near future; the

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child asks

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let’s go together let's play

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with you, can I, too,

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try to say yes to the child more often,

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vodka, enter with the following principles,

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take on only what the child

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cannot do on his own, as he masters

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new actions, gradually pass them on to

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the child,

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the child does not like to read, do it

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together, let him or her first read by the

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mother or father,

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then you can read in turns or in

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roles, discuss what you read together and no

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matter how old the daughter or son is, 3 or

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12. The task of parents is to create the zone of

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proximal development of the child

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[music]

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rule number three,

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gradually but steadily relieve yourself of

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responsibility for the personal affairs of the child and

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handing them over to him

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is about ending protracted guardianship

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that prevents a son or daughter from growing up;

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transferring responsibility to children for their

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affairs and actions is the greatest manifestation of

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parental care;

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such care, unlike overprotection,

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makes the child stronger and more self-confident,

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and your relationship becomes more

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friendly and positive;

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the process transferring responsibility is not

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easy, I have to risk the temporary

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well-being of the child, the

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parents are overcome by doubts, if I don’t

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wake her up, she will definitely oversleep,

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or if I don’t force him to do his homework,

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he will stay for the second year,

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the father of a 15-year-old turned to a psychologist, Ali does

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n’t do anything around the house, but the parents

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are ready to release If only she could

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study, however, she doesn’t want to study either,

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instead of doing her homework,

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Olya either lies on the sofa or

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talks on the phone

00:10:51

. to study for twos and threes, the parents

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only say that both of them are studying, the

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father calls from work to find out

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if Olya is studying, and then in response

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you will come and explain everything to me

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after ten minutes of studying with her father, Olya

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declares nothing is clear, they throw

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textbooks on the floor and sometimes throw a

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tantrum

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these lyuli are that they study instead of her

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[music]

00:11:20

rule number 4

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let the child face the

00:11:24

negative consequences of his

00:11:26

actions or inactions

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the child needs negative experience

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unless of course it threatens life and

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health only after going through

00:11:36

certain difficulties and making his

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own mistakes the child will be able to

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grow up and become conscious,

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giving him the trust to solve problems

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on his own, the parents are preparing him for

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adult life, it

00:11:51

is useful to create a table with the child

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consisting of two columns

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with and together,

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here is an example of such a table compiled by a

00:12:00

mother and an 11-year-old daughter, I

00:12:04

myself

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stand and get ready for school,

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I decide when to sit down for homework

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I move

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on

00:12:13

I decide when I should wash I

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choose who

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to live with

00:12:19

and sometimes I prepare food for myself

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sometimes we do math my mother explains

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we decide when to invite guests

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we divide the purchased toys or candy

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I ask my mother what I should do

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usa they what to do Sunday rule

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number 5

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she calls you with her behavior

00:12:47

negative emotions, tell him about it,

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especially if they are negative and

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strong, in no case should you keep it

00:12:56

to yourself, should you not suppress anger, silently

00:12:59

endure resentment, maintain external

00:13:02

calm in case of strong excitement, you will

00:13:05

not be able to deceive others anyway,

00:13:07

your posture, gestures,

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intonation and facial expression are sometimes

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more eloquent than verbal ones manifestations,

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besides, after some time, the feeling

00:13:16

breaks out and results in harsh

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words or actions, this rule is

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inextricably linked with rule 6, rule

00:13:28

number 6,

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you tell your child about your feelings,

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speak in the first person,

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this way you tell the child about

00:13:36

your feelings and experiences, they are talking about him

00:13:39

and his behavior in psychology, similar

00:13:42

phrases called I messages have

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undeniable advantages over you

00:13:48

messages,

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I message allow you to express

00:13:52

negative feelings in a form that is not offensive to the

00:13:53

child, I message help children

00:13:57

better understand their parents,

00:14:00

rarely we are so closed off by the armor and

00:14:01

parental authority

00:14:03

that the child does not even realize that the

00:14:05

father and mom can feel something

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when we openly express our feelings,

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children become more sincere,

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children feel parental trust, they

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begin to trust their

00:14:18

mother and father, expressing feelings without

00:14:21

accusations or orders, we leave the

00:14:24

opportunity for the child to make decisions

00:14:27

and, surprisingly, children begin to pay

00:14:29

attention to our experiences

00:14:33

year-old Seryozha came with his mother to the pharmacy

00:14:35

there, he saw vitamins for children and

00:14:37

asked to buy them,

00:14:39

however, having received a beautiful jar, he began

00:14:41

to beg his mother for other vitamins,

00:14:44

having heard I will buy you others when these

00:14:47

run out,

00:14:48

the boy began to wash and then push and

00:14:50

scream,

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one woman did not know how to get out from

00:14:54

the position, she finally said loudly,

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I’m terribly ashamed because of such a scene,

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suddenly the boy calmed down,

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took his mother’s hand and told

00:15:06

us, let’s go, how many vitamins do you say, eat as many

00:15:08

vitamins as I and schemes, rule number

00:15:14

7, don’t demand the impossible

00:15:17

or difficult to do from your child

00:15:19

instead of constantly demanding from

00:15:21

the child, something that is currently

00:15:23

inaccessible or incomprehensible to him, you

00:15:25

should try to change the environment

00:15:29

without allowing your one-year-old child to touch

00:15:31

the sockets, you will only get upset and move the

00:15:34

child until he cries, the problem will disappear if

00:15:37

you cover the sockets with furniture or buy

00:15:40

special plugs,

00:15:41

try to

00:15:43

protect yourself in your daily life from excessive

00:15:46

stress competently organizing the

00:15:48

space around you

00:15:51

from to primary school, all written

00:15:53

work is done with a pencil to the upper

00:15:56

end of which a plastic is attached; children

00:15:59

do not write worse or carelessly; on the contrary,

00:16:02

they are more attentive to mistakes

00:16:04

because they are easy to correct; how many

00:16:08

tears, disappointment and conflicts

00:16:11

this simple idea helps to avoid;

00:16:13

this example is impossible The

00:16:15

rule is better illustrated: change the conditions and

00:16:18

problems will disappear

00:16:20

[music]

00:16:22

rule number eight to avoid

00:16:25

unnecessary problems and conflicts,

00:16:27

balance your own expectations with the

00:16:30

child’s capabilities;

00:16:32

parents often place

00:16:34

excessive demands on their children; this does not mean that

00:16:37

we should not raise the bar

00:16:39

by stimulating the child to new achievements;

00:16:41

however, it is not necessary setting this bar

00:16:44

too high is

00:16:46

very important to be patient and

00:16:48

realize that the child needs time to

00:16:50

master a new task. A

00:16:53

five-year-old boy stands in line with his mother for half an hour.

00:16:54

He spins around, prevents you from

00:16:58

talking.

00:17:00

Mom breaks out, gets nervous, screams, makes her son

00:17:03

behave well, and finally tells

00:17:07

him to hold a heavy bag.

00:17:09

in order to somehow keep the situation in place, it

00:17:11

is saved by men from the queue

00:17:14

who starts playing with the child, in

00:17:17

this case the boy is not to blame, it’s just that

00:17:19

the mother demands the impossible from him

00:17:22

[music]

00:17:24

rule number nine, try not to

00:17:27

take credit for the child’s emotional problems,

00:17:31

sooner or later the parents have to

00:17:33

let the child go on my own for the first time

00:17:36

to allow one to walk in the yard cross the

00:17:38

road to celebrate the New Year in the

00:17:41

company of friends

00:17:43

our concern is justified but how to

00:17:45

behave with a child in this case a

00:17:47

son or daughter should know about your

00:17:50

experiences

00:17:51

feel support and care in this case

00:17:55

I come to the rescue again message A

00:17:58

15-year-old teenager goes

00:18:01

on a mountain hike for the first time with crossings through

00:18:02

snowy passes and mountain rivers,

00:18:05

accompanying his son, from not holding back and

00:18:08

saying, please be careful, and the

00:18:12

mother hears in response, I know everything myself, then the

00:18:16

mother comes to her senses, I’m sorry, I said it wrong,

00:18:20

know that I I will be very worried,

00:18:23

then my son said that when he

00:18:25

was faced with the choice of crossing an ice

00:18:27

crack or going around it, he remembered that his

00:18:31

mother was worried and chose a more reliable

00:18:34

path,

00:18:35

how I message helps to

00:18:37

make a choice, protecting him from rash

00:18:40

decisions and does not make him want to

00:18:42

act evil

00:18:44

[music] the

00:18:46

difficulties of raising a

00:18:50

child they are a complex and multifaceted process,

00:18:53

even in the most prosperous family,

00:18:56

from time to time difficulties arise in the

00:18:57

relationship between parents and children;

00:19:00

problems do not need to be afraid, but

00:19:02

they also cannot be ignored; they do

00:19:04

not signal certain

00:19:06

changes occurring with the child

00:19:09

as he grows up; conflicts

00:19:14

conflict is a clash of interests of two

00:19:17

parties, and when satisfying one

00:19:20

side, the interests of the other are infringed,

00:19:23

which causes negative

00:19:25

experiences irritation,

00:19:28

resentment, anger,

00:19:30

some parents believe that it is best

00:19:32

not to bring the situation to a conflict, however,

00:19:36

no one guarantees that one

00:19:37

fine day your child will not want to

00:19:39

go to the cinema at that time when you

00:19:42

are planning a family visit to your grandmother, you

00:19:45

have to deal with similar

00:19:47

contradictions; the parents either insist

00:19:50

on their own or give in to the children in order to

00:19:53

maintain peace in the family;

00:19:55

both methods of resolving the conflict are not

00:19:57

constructive; they can be combined under the

00:19:59

name only one wins;

00:20:03

in the case when the parents profess an

00:20:05

authoritarian parenting style, the

00:20:07

child learns the lesson always achieve

00:20:10

your own without considering the desires of the other

00:20:14

in such families, children grow up either too

00:20:16

aggressive or extremely passive,

00:20:19

they accumulate resentment within themselves for years and their

00:20:22

relationship with their parents cannot be called

00:20:24

trusting and sincere;

00:20:27

in the second case, parents sacrifice

00:20:29

their interests for the sake of the pleasure of

00:20:31

children who grow up

00:20:33

selfish and untrained they are in order and

00:20:36

therefore

00:20:37

experience serious difficulties in communication;

00:20:40

in fact, almost any problem

00:20:42

can be resolved in such a way that there are

00:20:45

no losers;

00:20:47

this method is based on two

00:20:49

communication skills: active listening

00:20:52

and the use of messages and includes

00:20:55

five successive steps of

00:20:58

clarifying a conflict situation; collecting

00:21:01

proposals

00:21:02

evaluation of proposals and selection of the most

00:21:05

acceptable

00:21:07

solution detail implementation of the decision

00:21:11

verification

00:21:13

for effective

00:21:14

conflict resolution for

00:21:15

parents it is important to master the skill of

00:21:17

active listening

00:21:19

active listening means returning to

00:21:22

the child in a conversation the information that

00:21:24

he told you showing that you

00:21:26

understand his or her

00:21:30

step mom Lena ran and please get some

00:21:33

bread guests will come soon and I still have

00:21:35

so much to do

00:21:37

Lena oh mom I’m going to the section couple

00:21:40

mom

00:21:42

you section you don’t want to be late

00:21:44

active listening

00:21:46

Lena

00:21:47

warm-up can’t be skipped

00:21:51

go to warm-up

00:21:53

black listening

00:21:55

I have a problem guests are about to come and there’s

00:21:57

no bread I message

00:22:00

2

00:22:02

mom how are we be

00:22:04

Lena,

00:22:06

don’t go to training,

00:22:08

mom, I can call

00:22:10

Svetlana, she’s in Iran, they carry training by car,

00:22:15

step 3 Lena, great, you came up with

00:22:19

Peppa, I can and will get there comfortably,

00:22:22

Mom,

00:22:23

and I won’t be late,

00:22:26

she’s done, I ran from

00:22:29

these Sveta by rank,

00:22:32

Lena comes back with bread,

00:22:35

how fast, thank you,

00:22:37

I helped out

00:22:39

in ten minutes will be waiting for you at the

00:22:41

entrance of

00:22:43

Vienna,

00:22:44

thank you,

00:22:46

do this in the minibus, push

00:22:48

[music]

00:22:50

discipline, the

00:22:52

consciousness of most parents, the word

00:22:54

discipline is associated with strict

00:22:56

restrictions in everything, however, the author

00:22:58

believes that discipline should not be

00:23:01

too strict and offers several

00:23:03

rules, discipline must be

00:23:06

present in the life of every child in the

00:23:08

form of certain norms

00:23:10

thanks to which he feels

00:23:12

stable and confident; the requirement for

00:23:15

restrictions and prohibitions should not be

00:23:17

too many and they should be

00:23:19

as flexible as possible; parental

00:23:22

requirements should not

00:23:24

conflict with the basic needs of the

00:23:26

child; rules should be agreed upon by

00:23:29

adults among themselves; he to whom

00:23:32

the requirements or prohibition are communicated should

00:23:35

be friendly they are imperative to

00:23:38

punish the child by depriving the child of good

00:23:41

and not doing bad

00:23:45

and the image of

00:23:47

4 color zones of a child’s behavior helps to maintain discipline. The idea

00:23:50

belongs to an American

00:23:52

psychologist. The green zone includes what the

00:23:56

child is allowed to do, at his

00:23:58

own discretion, choose which ones.

00:24:01

toys to play with whom to be friends what

00:24:03

club to attend the yellow zone includes

00:24:07

actions that can be carried out by one’s

00:24:10

own choice but within certain

00:24:12

limits

00:24:13

hands can be started at any time

00:24:15

but by eight o’clock in the evening they must be

00:24:18

completed in the orange zone there are

00:24:21

actions that are not welcome but

00:24:24

are allowed if If there are special

00:24:26

circumstances,

00:24:28

you cannot go to bed after ten in the

00:24:30

evening, but on the day when the father returns

00:24:32

from a long business trip,

00:24:33

this ban is lifted; the red zone

00:24:37

includes what is strictly forbidden;

00:24:40

biting; playing with fire; offending

00:24:43

little ones;

00:24:52

playing

00:24:54

mom guys it's time to finish the impersonal

00:24:57

form of

00:24:59

prices

00:25:00

why for to

00:25:01

spend the night

00:25:04

sleep

00:25:05

personal form

00:25:08

how to go to bed

00:25:10

mother I see the game is interesting

00:25:12

you find it difficult to

00:25:13

tear yourself away

00:25:14

active listening

00:25:16

daughter

00:25:18

very only two moves left

00:25:21

mother good 2 moves it's a little

00:25:24

agreed

00:25:27

thank you

00:25:28

we take

00:25:30

mom maintained a

00:25:31

courageous tone

00:25:32

la in position the

00:25:34

saplina children were not harmed where

00:25:36

they took responsibility for cleaning

00:25:39

[music]

00:25:41

difficult children

00:25:44

parents have tried all methods but

00:25:46

cannot find a common language with the child it is

00:25:48

customary to say that this child is

00:25:50

difficult, most often we are talking about

00:25:53

teenagers, but chronic disobedience,

00:25:55

rudeness, antisocial behavior

00:25:57

are found in children of any age

00:26:01

Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter is convinced that

00:26:04

there are no hopeless situations if the parents

00:26:07

sincerely want to correct the situation,

00:26:09

however, they have a difficult job ahead of them,

00:26:13

there are four main reasons for

00:26:15

serious violations in the behavior of children:

00:26:18

the struggle for attention,

00:26:20

the struggle against excessive parental

00:26:22

power or guardianship,

00:26:24

the desire for revenge, the mother separated from the father,

00:26:28

pays more attention to the younger ones, loss

00:26:31

faith in myself anyway, I'm bad

00:26:35

viewers should remember bad

00:26:37

behavior is a signal for help,

00:26:40

paradoxically, it is necessary to

00:26:42

listen to one's own feelings

00:26:44

in order to understand the reason for the child's disobedience

00:26:48

if the child fights for attention before his

00:26:50

antics cause irritation

00:26:54

tries to resist the will of the parents

00:26:56

the latter is overcome by anger

00:27:00

these are the reasons revenge then a reciprocal feeling of

00:27:03

resentment

00:27:04

and finally, if

00:27:07

the residents do not believe in themselves, they experience hopelessness and even

00:27:09

despair as a

00:27:12

parent, stop reacting in the

00:27:14

usual manner and thereby break the

00:27:17

vicious circle, thus only by

00:27:20

changing ourselves we can raise

00:27:22

our difficult child, we

00:27:24

feel despair, the

00:27:26

son does not want anything, refuses to go

00:27:29

to school and help around the house, hurts

00:27:31

animals, is rude to neighbors,

00:27:34

our despair indicates that the child is

00:27:36

very ill, he has lost faith in himself,

00:27:39

all you need to do is reset your expectations and complaints to 0,

00:27:44

surely your son can do something and is

00:27:46

capable of something, but for now you need to

00:27:49

act carefully, find

00:27:51

the level of tasks available to him, start solving them

00:27:54

together, do not allow criticism towards him,

00:27:57

but encourage any success, even insignificant,

00:28:02

talk to the teachers, making them your

00:28:04

allies, the

00:28:06

first successes and wings from the child and

00:28:08

gradually he will find his first self

00:28:11

[music] the

00:28:13

conclusion of

00:28:15

modern life parents have less and less

00:28:18

time are spent at home and raising children

00:28:21

loses its emotional component;

00:28:24

however, children need to feel the

00:28:26

unconditional love of adults; their support

00:28:29

and trust cannot be replaced by any

00:28:31

gadgets and early development schools;

00:28:35

only mother and father are able to provide

00:28:38

psychological comfort to the child, without

00:28:40

which there can be no harmonious

00:28:42

development and a sense of self-confidence.

00:28:51

the child receives lessons in communication, mastering new activities and overcoming difficulties in the family

00:28:54

if mothers and fathers do not show the child how to

00:28:56

get out of conflict situations, it

00:28:58

will be difficult for him to adapt to society

00:29:01

if they do not teach order and instill

00:29:04

self-discipline skills,

00:29:05

he will not be able to organize his adult

00:29:08

life and work

00:29:10

if will not pay attention to behavior problems in a timely manner;

00:29:13

he is unlikely to cope with them

00:29:15

on his own

Description:

Юлия Гиппенрейтер Общаться с ребенком. Как? Юлии Борисовне Гиппенрейтер в книге «Общаться с ребенком. Как?» удалось синтезировать теоретические труды ученых советской психологической школы и достижения западной практической психологии. Книга состоит из десяти глав, называемых уроками, в которых автор в доступной форме говорит о вопросах воспитания, приводит примеры из практики, отвечает на вопросы родителей и даже задает домашние задания. Вторая часть книги представляет собой историю «трудного» подростка Феди, рассказанную его бабушкой в письмах, которые она пишет матери мальчика. Читателям предлагается взглянуть на проблему воспитания не с позиций дрессуры, критики и одергиваний, а с точки зрения безусловного принятия ребенка, каким бы он ни был и как бы себя ни вел.

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