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Russian
00:00:02
integral element of education, well, whoever00:00:05
follows the rules of the00:00:07
road and gets off they will be fined, the00:00:09
same applies to the rules that you00:00:13
set for your child in00:00:14
order for him to follow them, he needs to be00:00:18
punished00:00:19
my name is Dmitry Karpachev and today I will00:00:21
tell you three conditions which00:00:25
must be observed in order for your00:00:27
punishment to have the maximum00:00:30
result, I immediately want to make a reservation that00:00:38
today we will not talk about methods of00:00:40
punishment, this is a separate huge topic;00:00:43
today we will talk about situations in00:00:47
which you can punish a child and00:00:49
talk about when punishment will be00:00:54
harmful; the essence of punishment is not is to00:00:56
make the child feel hurt and bad, but to00:00:59
somehow direct his behavior,00:01:02
that is, the main task of punishment is not to00:01:05
punish at all, it is to create conditions00:01:09
within which the child,00:01:11
understanding that punishment awaits him, will00:01:13
behave in the correct way.00:01:16
Sometimes parents find themselves in a situation where00:01:19
as a result of punishment, the relationship with the00:01:22
child worsens and he begins to00:01:25
behave evilly, or the parents consider00:01:28
scoundrels, scoundrels and cruel00:01:31
people in general, I believe that this is00:01:33
absolutely not why the child is punished;00:01:35
in order for the punishment to be00:01:37
as effective as possible, you need to00:01:39
ask the child three simple questions and00:01:41
if your child will be able to answer these questions,00:01:45
be sure that he will not consider your punishment a00:01:48
cruel reprisal;00:01:51
on the contrary, he will consider it a very00:01:54
fair act on your part;00:01:57
for this you need to first00:02:00
ask the child if you understand00:02:02
what rule there is00:02:04
behind this question, there is a very00:02:07
important the idea is that00:02:08
a child can only be punished for something00:02:12
that you previously warned him about, if you did00:02:17
n’t warn him that he00:02:20
shouldn’t behave like that,00:02:21
if you didn’t tell him that00:02:23
he would be punished for this offense, then he00:02:28
shouldn’t be punished; some00:02:31
parents, of course, may be indignant00:02:33
what does this mean that I have to warn him about everything,00:02:37
so there are no rules, is00:02:39
n’t he supposed to00:02:42
figure out how he can behave and how00:02:45
not, you know, it’s possible and he should, but00:02:50
I have a question for you, shouldn’t you00:02:53
guess about that? what should be forbidden to00:02:57
your child and what should not be00:02:59
why should he, at 57 12 years old,00:03:03
guess that he shouldn’t behave like that and00:03:07
you at 25 35-45 shouldn’t00:03:12
guess that you need to00:03:14
warn your child that you should00:03:17
n’t behave like this? I have a friend it was a00:03:21
very unpleasant situation;00:03:22
his son, then he was three or four years old,00:03:28
drew with a marker the beige leather interior00:03:32
of a BMW at the moment when he returned to the00:03:35
house and a question arose, punishes him00:03:39
for this, I asked him when he asked00:03:43
me this question, why are you do you want to00:03:45
punish him, well, for what, for the fact that he did00:03:47
n’t ruin the car and are you sure,00:03:50
I ask him that he ruined your car, it00:03:52
seems to me that he was entertaining himself, but should00:03:56
n’t he have guessed that you can’t00:03:58
draw on the seat with a marker, maybe he00:04:02
should have answered I told him, but you also00:04:05
should have guessed that you shouldn’t00:04:07
leave a child with markers in00:04:10
the car, so no matter how unpleasant it may00:04:13
sound, if you didn’t warn00:04:15
the child, then he is punished for it00:04:19
incorrectly. I’ll give another example from00:04:22
adult life, imagine that you00:04:25
got a job. work and00:04:27
you need to go to work at 9 am,00:04:29
can you imagine this evod you00:04:33
came at 9 and then came to 915 you00:04:38
understand in the morning an extra 15 minutes00:04:40
will never be superfluous and you saw that the00:04:43
production process did not stop,00:04:45
that there is nothing wrong with you arrived00:04:47
15 minutes late, it didn’t happen, no00:04:50
one even noticed,00:04:51
well, since then we started00:04:52
going there regularly 915 930 sometimes even 940 and00:04:57
nothing bad happened until one00:05:01
significant day when you00:05:04
came to work at 9:30 as usual and you00:05:06
I met a manager who asked you00:05:08
a question at what time you were supposed to00:05:10
be at work, of course you00:05:12
answer them at 9 and he tells you, well,00:05:15
now it’s 9:30 and for the fact that you were late you00:05:19
were fined a third of your salary,00:05:23
I have a question there who is he after that, and00:05:27
just don’t tell me that he’s a00:05:29
fair leader, it’s unlikely you00:05:31
’ll call your friend and say oh, I have00:05:34
such a fair boss at00:05:36
work, he deprived my family of a third of my00:05:40
salary, well done, I really respect you,00:05:43
you won’t treat me like that,00:05:45
really, when I ask this question at00:05:47
live master classes and ask who he is,00:05:50
after that there are usually different remarks00:05:53
addressed to this seemingly fair00:05:56
leader, but if all this00:05:58
can actually be reduced to the word [ __ ],00:06:00
he’s an [ __ ] because he fined you00:06:04
and why did he a goat, not because he00:06:08
fined you, but because he did it for00:06:10
something you didn’t agree on,00:06:12
if he, when hiring you, had00:06:15
warned you that being late would00:06:20
entail the loss of 300:06:24
wages, you would never have been late, you would have been at a00:06:26
quarter to 9 at work00:06:29
so as not to be delayed somewhere and not00:06:32
lose serious00:06:34
money, it’s true that he00:06:37
fined you for something that you didn’t agree on with him00:06:40
tomorrow he will fine you00:06:43
for being late at work after00:06:45
tomorrow he you will be fined for not00:06:47
complying with the dress code, which he did00:06:49
not inform you about, and of course you understand00:06:54
that it is terrible to lose someone who is smart, but to00:06:56
find someone who is a fool, and you will not work with such a person for a long time,00:06:58
but doesn’t00:07:00
this situation remind you of what you are00:07:02
doing? with children, when you punish00:07:05
and scold them, but about something they didn’t00:07:08
know about before, and every time you00:07:12
do this, every time you00:07:14
punish your child, but00:07:16
no matter what you warn him about, he thinks that you are a00:07:18
goat, or a goat, okay, maybe he does00:07:22
n’t think about you with such00:07:24
epithets, but he really thinks00:07:26
that you treated him unfairly,00:07:29
dishonestly, cruelly, the difference between you and00:07:33
your child is that you00:07:35
can leave the leader of the goat and00:07:40
find yourself a worthy leader, a00:07:43
person who will respect you,00:07:45
appreciate you, who will warn you about00:07:47
possible punishments, but the child00:07:50
cannot leave his parents who00:07:53
punish him but didn’t warn him about something,00:07:56
he will simply think for many years00:07:59
that his mother is an [ __ ] because she00:08:02
punishes me but did00:08:04
n’t warn him about it, which is why the00:08:07
first question you should ask00:08:09
your before punishing a child, do you00:08:11
understand what rules you00:08:16
broke and if he doesn’t know about this00:08:19
rule, then this is a question for you,00:08:23
which means you didn’t agree with him about it00:08:27
and if you discussed it, then maybe00:08:30
he forgot if we are talking about00:08:32
preschool children then a00:08:34
very simple rule applies: all the rules must00:08:37
be written out on a separate flipchart or00:08:41
on a card they must be00:08:43
documented somewhere, and so on, child,00:08:45
but you don’t, I don’t understand what00:08:47
you’re talking about correctly, you’re leading him to the flipchart, you’re00:08:49
saying look, is00:08:50
n’t this the rule that you just00:08:54
violated, remember, we made this list together00:08:56
and so we signed with blood under00:08:59
this list, well,00:09:00
yours is, of course, red and then the child00:09:02
has no reason to be offended by you, if we are00:09:07
talking about older children, then there are rules for00:09:10
which you agree,00:09:11
they should also to be designated, someone00:09:15
may say, well, this is some kind of00:09:17
bureaucracy, why write down all the rules,00:09:19
yes, all the rules that you00:09:22
agree on need to be written down, and00:09:25
maybe this is unnecessary bureaucracy, but it will not00:09:28
allow your child to consider you an00:09:32
[ __ ], a cruel, unjust00:09:34
person, a tyrant which punishes for an00:09:37
unknown reason, I believe that the relationship00:09:41
between parents and children is a trusting00:09:44
relationship, a relationship in which the child00:09:46
considers the parent to be a fair person,00:09:48
they stand for this00:09:51
seemingly insignificant bureaucracy,00:09:54
so the first question to which you00:09:58
should get an answer from your child00:10:00
is what rule are you violated and here,00:10:04
by the way, there is one more nuance: if your child,00:10:07
due to his age, is not able to pronounce this rule,00:10:09
either it is too difficult or00:10:12
he basically does not speak,00:10:14
punishing him does not make any sense,00:10:18
of course, there are strategies for punishing00:10:22
infants, but personally I believe that the child00:10:27
should follow the rules consciously he00:10:31
must understand that this cannot be done, he00:10:35
must understand why not00:10:38
do this, otherwise it is just training,00:10:43
yes, a child who cannot00:10:46
speak,00:10:47
whose psyche is not mature enough00:10:49
to remember the rules, can be00:10:52
forced to follow the rules, but it would be00:10:55
more correct to say here that he00:10:57
can be trained follow the rules, but00:10:59
I think that treating a child like an00:11:01
animal, like a dog that is trained00:11:04
to follow the rules, is not very humane,00:11:07
although of course you may have a different00:11:09
point of view,00:11:10
respectively, if the child cannot00:11:13
repeat the rules, either because00:11:16
he is not of the right age00:11:19
to remember and repeat this rule,00:11:21
either because you didn’t agree on this rule,00:11:25
and if you agreed, you didn’t write it down, or00:11:28
maybe somehow00:11:30
we talked about it in passing a long time ago and he just forgot about it;00:11:33
punishing him00:11:35
would be unfair; the second question00:11:39
you need to ask your child00:11:41
before how to punish him sounds like00:11:44
do you understand why you need to follow00:11:49
this rule in this matter lies a very00:11:53
important idea00:11:54
any rules that exist in00:11:57
your child’s life00:11:58
they should serve his interests rules00:12:05
and prohibitions first of all protect the00:12:08
interests of the child they are the convenience of the parents00:12:11
although of course they are convenience parents are also00:12:14
important, but first of all, the rules00:12:17
that exist in your child’s life are00:12:19
necessary for him so that by00:12:22
following these rules he receives00:12:26
certain benefits00:12:28
so that it is beneficial for him to follow these00:12:31
rules, which00:12:32
means that any rule that00:12:35
you try to impose on your child you00:12:38
you have to explain to him, you have to explain to him00:12:40
that you can’t eat a lot of sweets00:12:43
in the quantities you want00:12:44
because you can’t continue to00:12:48
explain to him why spending so much00:12:51
time on the computer is impossible because00:12:54
it will affect00:12:56
and you explain what it will affect you00:13:02
can’t talk to your mother like that because you explain why00:13:07
this cannot be done in this way, you not00:13:09
only teach the00:13:11
child cause and effect connections, but also00:13:13
show him that the rules that you00:13:15
require to be followed are, first of all,00:13:18
so that the child feels good at the00:13:22
time of discussing the rules, it is important to convey00:13:26
two ideas to the child: idea 1 before00:13:31
making a decision that directly concerns you,00:13:36
for example, establishing this or that rule,00:13:38
I will always discuss it with you, find out your00:13:43
point of view, find out what you00:13:45
think about it, but00:13:48
I will always make the decision, even if00:13:54
you don’t you will like it, you will00:13:57
not agree with them, I’m sorry, but you00:14:03
will need to follow them and they were created to make00:14:06
you feel good, I00:14:08
promise you that over time, perhaps a little00:14:13
later in a few years when you00:14:14
grow up, you will understand that these rules00:14:17
were created to protect00:14:20
your interests so that you feel good two00:14:24
main ideas I will discuss with you, find out what00:14:28
you think about it and try to00:14:31
take it into account and the second idea is00:14:34
everything that I force you to do, it was00:14:38
created so that you feel good00:14:41
not now perhaps because of course00:14:44
now you It’s good to finish00:14:47
all the candy, but from a00:14:50
perspective point of view,00:14:52
in terms of the consequences that00:14:55
can result from such a habit,00:14:57
such as diabetes and excess weight and00:15:03
problems with caries, you00:15:07
can’t eat candy,00:15:08
and when you explain the rules to your child, you00:15:12
won’t just impose them on him you00:15:14
will talk to him about your will,00:15:17
discuss giving some arguments and00:15:20
explain that all this is necessary for00:15:23
him to feel good, the00:15:25
likelihood that the child will00:15:27
sabotage the rule or be offended by00:15:29
you for punishing him00:15:31
for violating these rules is significantly00:15:34
reduced, so I remind you that00:15:37
today we are going through 3 questions00:15:40
that need to be asked to a child before00:15:42
punishing him, question 1, do00:15:46
you understand what rules you broke and question 2, do00:15:49
you understand why it is important to follow00:15:52
this rule, question 3, do00:15:55
you remember what kind of punishment we are talking about?00:15:59
you agreed00:16:00
in case of violation of this rule and if00:16:06
your child answers you all these00:16:09
three questions, then he already understands that00:16:12
you will punish him not because00:16:15
you are in a bad mood, not because you have00:16:17
now decided to take your evil out on him, but00:16:20
because there were agreements00:16:23
that were primarily created to make00:16:27
him feel good,00:16:29
he violated these agreements and there were00:16:31
agreements that there would be a00:16:34
violation of the agreements and in this00:16:38
case you already look like a00:16:42
fair person to the child, but perhaps he does00:16:45
n’t like the fact that you will00:16:47
punish him, he will try in every possible way to00:16:49
evade punishment, but he definitely wo00:16:53
n’t consider you a00:16:55
cruel tyrant who just decided to00:16:58
punish him, he will consider this00:17:00
punishment, albeit not00:17:01
pleasant, but fair in order to00:17:04
understand even better the behavior of your00:17:07
own child and know how to00:17:09
influence him, come to my a free00:17:11
three-day online intensive where00:17:15
you will learn why children throw00:17:18
hysterics and what to do about it,00:17:19
what are the true reasons for their bad00:17:22
behavior,00:17:23
what are normative age-related00:17:25
crises, and how parents, without00:17:29
realizing it, prevent their children from becoming00:17:31
happy people00:17:36
[applause]Description:
Подписывайтесь на мой канал: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCl31ksF_2WsQF2DWTjqbOrA?sub_confirmation=1 Регистрируйтесь на бесплатный онлайн интенсив о детской возрастной психологии: https://online.karpachoff.com/children_0-17-org Здравствуйте! Меня зовут Дмитрий Карпачев. Наказание является обязательным и неотъемлемым элементом воспитания детей. В этом выпуске я расскажу вам 3 условия, которые необходимо соблюсти, для того чтобы ваше наказание было максимально результативным. Мы поговорим о том, почему важно проговаривать и записывать правила поведения вместе с ребенком перед тем, как наказывать его за совершенные проступки. Вы узнаете, почему важно донести ребенку необходимость соблюдения правил, какие весомые аргументы он должен принять, чтобы ваши запреты имели весомое значение в его жизни. Попробуем разобраться, почему нельзя ругать детей за нарушение правил, которые раннее не были озвучены, и какие вопросы нужно задать своему ребенку, перед тем как приступить к наказанию за совершенный проступок. Мы обсудим нюансы детской психологии, которые помогут вам воспитать послушного и счастливого ребенка. Если вас интересуют фундаментальные основы детской возрастной психологии, подписывайтесь на мой канал. В следующих видео вас ждет еще больше интересной информации! Приятного просмотра и до встречи! Тайм-коды: 00:36 Как повысить эффективность наказания? 01:57 В каких ситуациях нельзя наказывать детей? 08:06 Почему важно записывать правила для ребенка? 11:38 Понимают ли дети, зачем нужно соблюдать правило? 13:22 Важные идеи, которые нужно донести вашему ребенку 15:35 Какие вопросы нужно задавать детям, перед наказанием?
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