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Книжный клуб. Глава 4 [Дневник Адама. Марк Твен]

Книжный клуб. Глава 4 [Дневник Адама. Марк Твен]

Channel: Stand-Up Club #1

Офис. Эпизод 1. Микропроблемы и макрорешения.

Офис. Эпизод 1. Микропроблемы и макрорешения.

Channel: Stand-Up Club #1

Разгоны #25 [Иван Ильин, Артём Калантарян, Алексей Шамутило, Эльдар Гусейнов, Саша Малой]

Разгоны #25 [Иван Ильин, Артём Калантарян, Алексей Шамутило, Эльдар Гусейнов, Саша Малой]

Channel: Stand-Up Club #1

стендап

стенд ап

клуб

стендап клаб

стендапклаб

стендапклуб

stand-up

standup

standupclub

standupclubru

stand up club

стэнд

стэндап

00:00:05

I got married that year, I’m worried that I

00:00:10

made a not very romantic proposal to my wife, it was let’s you in general

00:00:12

Rate how romantic it turned out, she

00:00:14

woke up in the morning and she received

00:00:16

a Notification on

00:00:21

public services with a request to pay the

00:00:27

state fee of 350 rubles, the cost of my hand and

00:00:31

heart, I finally understood that Internet

00:00:33

wording is generally not suitable for a

00:00:35

marriage proposal because at

00:00:36

the moment when she paid there, this is

00:00:38

it. Are you

00:00:39

sure? Let’s not ask her at

00:00:42

such a crucial moment. Are you sure the

00:00:44

only thing missing was a photo of me where I’m

00:00:46

drinking beer from two bottles at the same time Are you

00:00:48

sure it’s not too late to mark it as

00:00:52

spam and my wife and I bought ourselves the

00:00:55

simplest possible rings? That is, we had a choice of

00:00:57

either two simple rings or one [ __ ]

00:01:00

Yes, and we take turns wearing it

00:01:04

depending on who is faithful today; in

00:01:07

general, my wife and I have a difference at the

00:01:10

age of 8 years she is 10 and this is

00:01:13

some okay

00:01:16

this is a joke she is me she is

00:01:19

8 years older than me that is I am 27 And tomorrow she will have an

00:01:22

MRI of the whole body

00:01:23

that is how

00:01:26

old she is Yes sometimes I sometimes wonder if

00:01:29

she turns out to be in a completely different

00:01:31

Russia grew up That is, she she still

00:01:34

sometimes, out of habit, puts a hard sign at the end of a word,

00:01:38

she doesn’t like these jokes at all I

00:01:42

say I don’t know young people

00:01:49

come in and irritate me a little more That

00:01:51

’s when we got married, she stopped

00:01:53

watching movies with me, that is,

00:01:55

she used to watch all the movies she watches it with me in the

00:01:57

first 15 minutes, I realized that when we

00:02:00

first met, the film was an excuse

00:02:02

for sex, now I’m [ __ ] her just so that

00:02:05

she doesn’t

00:02:07

vomit ahead of time, she recently

00:02:10

suggested that I try it in bed

00:02:12

blindfolded, I think I don’t

00:02:14

give a [ __ ], I found a loophole

00:02:19

[applause]

00:02:20

Damn you will watch until the credits

00:02:23

she even when she falls asleep

00:02:25

during the film she does it so cleverly

00:02:27

like reclining

00:02:28

half sitting like I’m not sleeping I still have to

00:02:32

check her in the morning on the film I usually

00:02:35

ask her something like what the hell was

00:02:37

at the concert member yes she is like that Yes I’m like

00:02:39

What Yes, we

00:02:41

watched Shrek but I probably need to be

00:02:45

calmer, we’re building a family,

00:02:47

planning children. Here I am. I’ve already started

00:02:49

looking at other parents to

00:02:50

emphasize something important for myself. I

00:02:52

realized that there are loving parents

00:02:54

who have Reno in coke to Mm

00:03:00

by Kolya It’s more like a living Shield against

00:03:02

stray

00:03:09

dogs I still don’t want to risk

00:03:13

my wife’s health when it comes to childbirth,

00:03:16

it’s okay women give birth at her

00:03:18

age, but I heard there are more

00:03:20

complications. I heard at her age,

00:03:21

women, for example, die more often during

00:03:23

childbirth and a child at the same time, you can survive

00:03:27

in

00:03:28

Kuya What is it I don’t sign up for this

00:03:32

I actually saw a documentary where the mother

00:03:34

died the child survived grew up and killed the father with a

00:03:36

lightsaber I’m like

00:03:41

this How can I prepare for this

00:03:44

I’m just

00:03:46

scared how much the world is now

00:03:48

Safe for a child Because there is a

00:03:51

feeling that in general every year the world is

00:03:53

becoming safer, but in general,

00:03:55

locally it is only becoming more dangerous.

00:03:58

I recently had a Uri for

00:04:01

shoes, it was my own fault that I put it outside

00:04:04

the apartment about the World Cup. I thought it was a matter of

00:04:06

time when I would put all my things

00:04:08

there. I

00:04:09

put it out with the trash and it doesn’t

00:04:12

work at all. By the way, no matter how long I put it there, no

00:04:15

one needs it, no one

00:04:16

took it more often, even the docks.

00:04:20

Let’s figure out who has

00:04:23

the rug lying in my apartment,

00:04:25

pat

00:04:28

the floor when you enter the shooting range, pat

00:04:31

please, there are such people and, as

00:04:34

it turns out, there are There are also people who have a rug

00:04:36

here and there, and as I noticed, you don’t even

00:04:39

have to ask them to clap, they’re always right there like

00:04:41

that Yes, I have a shitload of

00:04:43

rugs I can

00:04:46

afford And you have only one Oh yes, you don’t even have a

00:04:49

single one

00:04:51

already I remember this morning I go out and see

00:04:55

that my rug is gone, my first thought is

00:04:57

I won’t go to the police,

00:05:01

no one will look for the thief of the rug, and with

00:05:04

these thoughts I look straight at the neighbor’s

00:05:07

rug, I use it now, on the way

00:05:11

home

00:05:14

I stop by on the way home, I go to the neighbors for a while

00:05:17

while I wipe my feet I look through the

00:05:20

peephole from outside,

00:05:22

but I won’t just leave it like that, I

00:05:25

’ll catch this thief, I’ve already bought myself a

00:05:28

long long rug,

00:05:30

one end of it lies outside

00:05:31

the apartment and the other end lies under my

00:05:34

pillow, [ __ ],

00:05:36

just let him

00:05:38

poke in. Yes, it’s not safe in the entrance on

00:05:42

the street either unsafely annoys me

00:05:44

That because of couriers and scooters we

00:05:46

can only walk straight, that is,

00:05:49

What's the point? What's the point? Go straight, you

00:05:52

'll be swerving here and there, risking

00:05:55

your life I used to be afraid to

00:05:58

fly to Salta, now at altitude I

00:06:01

feel calmer I'm the only one I the only

00:06:04

thing I’m afraid of when I’m flying on a plane is to

00:06:05

look out the window and see three

00:06:07

teenagers on one

00:06:08

scooter who are going to

00:06:12

overtake the unicycle. There is another type of

00:06:16

transport and, in my opinion, the unicycle is

00:06:19

generally the most pathetic type of transport, as

00:06:21

if there wasn’t enough for a car at all

00:06:23

for a spare tire. skdi

00:06:28

not on unicycles I think you are going

00:06:31

to gather in one

00:06:34

car What kind of a gang of Decepticons

00:06:38

I have already accepted that it is a matter of time

00:06:41

before I get hit in Moscow I just need to

00:06:44

stay here long enough

00:06:46

I hate All these bicycles and scooters and at the

00:06:50

same time I realized that when I am at home something

00:06:51

I’m ordering such a head-banging I’m

00:06:54

actually violet Who’s in your way

00:06:57

I’ll even be glad if along with the

00:06:58

order

00:07:00

like here’s your Ramen and children’s shoes

00:07:03

[music]

00:07:04

worn

00:07:09

worn I myself, when I’m driving

00:07:12

an electric scooter, I realized a terrible thing to myself

00:07:14

I’m driving an electric scooter, I can

00:07:16

see how people are afraid of me, I can just

00:07:19

see the animal fear in people’s eyes and I

00:07:24

like it. Look at me. Nobody is afraid of me without

00:07:28

an electric scooter.

00:07:30

Yes, no one is afraid of me. I used to worry

00:07:33

about this, now I don’t worry anymore

00:07:35

because there are also advantages. I know, for example,

00:07:37

Many girls worry when an

00:07:39

unfamiliar guy follows them down the street in the evening,

00:07:42

when the girls see me they don’t worry at all,

00:07:43

they even

00:07:46

calm down a little, they’re like that while he’s

00:07:49

being raped. I have a lot of time to get out

00:07:52

of here and I’m there like that, I’ll

00:07:56

detain them, it’s already in a group

00:08:02

alone once I Scared a woman on the street we

00:08:04

were going to the arches I farted and the arch greatly

00:08:08

exaggerated my

00:08:09

capabilities she was so shy thought

00:08:12

it was a

00:08:15

Drone Yes no one is afraid of me

00:08:17

in Russia in Russia I understand Now they are

00:08:20

most afraid of LGBT people and have even recognized the

00:08:25

organization as an extremist I’m sure many are leaving

00:08:28

Russia's representative, those who remain, it

00:08:30

will become much more difficult for them to live for sure. It

00:08:33

seems to me like this Makar, in Russia in the

00:08:34

end there will only be gays who can

00:08:37

stand up for themselves, you know, only tough gays,

00:08:41

gays,

00:08:42

pumped up gays,

00:08:45

evil, these gays will definitely be able to impose on me

00:08:48

any of their

00:08:52

values, maybe I

00:08:57

understand about It just seems to me that some

00:09:01

minorities are discrediting others,

00:09:02

perhaps and it was not worth uniting to me

00:09:04

at all, it seems to me that the Russians

00:09:06

were already ready for gays, ready to

00:09:08

accept them, it seems to me that the Russians were scared by

00:09:11

[ __ ], no, you don’t think so, you

00:09:14

think you think, you think, [ __ ],

00:09:17

on the contrary, are thinking as an easy entry into

00:09:19

LGBT Well, because you can sleep with a

00:09:21

[ __ ] It won’t be considered gay

00:09:23

yes

00:09:28

bro there

00:09:31

are people here from whom their parents

00:09:33

demanded the highest grades in

00:09:37

school I understand you perfectly well I was an

00:09:39

excellent student from the first to the eighth

00:09:41

grade and this is not mine credit to the credit to my

00:09:43

parents, they demanded only

00:09:44

the best from me and it was terrible stress,

00:09:47

so much so that I remember how in the fifth

00:09:48

grade I received my first C in my

00:09:50

life, not even in a quarter, just as a

00:09:52

regular assessment and I was so afraid that what was

00:09:55

waiting for me at home for this that I left home

00:09:56

like this I need to somehow Distract my parents I

00:09:59

need to somehow Distract them and this is what I

00:10:01

came up with I came home and made 13

00:10:03

nicks with a stationery knife right here

00:10:05

on my hand please just don’t make

00:10:07

hasty conclusions I’m not a dumbass Let me

00:10:09

explain I knew what it was quite

00:10:11

safe because six months before that

00:10:13

I carved on my hand the name of the girl

00:10:16

who broke my heart, I know, I know,

00:10:20

I asked you not to make hasty

00:10:22

conclusions and then it was as if I doubled down. I do

00:10:25

n’t know. If anything,

00:10:28

after all these years, I’m still grateful to Anya for

00:10:30

short name Because you want a

00:10:33

short name when cutting it out, you don’t want

00:10:36

some Victoria so that you die on

00:10:42

Victor and a friend finds you and wants to

00:10:45

help Finish it, but the handwriting is a little different and it

00:10:47

turns out Victor and

00:10:50

I and someone else look at it and

00:10:53

remain like that only hard gays too much

00:10:59

Yes, I cut my hand because of the C I don’t know

00:11:02

at all what I was trying to avoid what I

00:11:04

was afraid that my mother would see the C and like that

00:11:06

Father will castrate

00:11:09

him 13 notches By the way, there was

00:11:12

a reason for this because I didn’t

00:11:14

tell Odnoklassniki the truth, I came up with this

00:11:16

Legend to Odnoklassniki I came and told them I

00:11:18

woke up in the morning and there were 13 nicks on my hand.

00:11:25

I think I didn’t get off easy, I

00:11:27

chose 13 nicks

00:11:33

666. I think I then fell in love with picking

00:11:37

sores, you know, here’s a scab after a

00:11:39

sore. And who likes to pick sores in general?

00:11:42

Well, everything’s fine Here people are

00:11:45

usually divided into those who clap and those

00:11:47

who are picking at a sore at the moment and

00:11:49

cannot clap in any way, I understand you,

00:11:51

remember this awesome feeling when you’ve

00:11:53

been picking at one sore for 2 days in a row

00:11:56

with a kick, you understand that it’s a mole and you’re

00:11:58

like,

00:12:01

what have I

00:12:02

done, you’re trying smooth it back

00:12:05

into Rastay [ __ ] That's why it's so shitty to

00:12:08

tear it off everything is becoming clear now I

00:12:11

realized to myself that I'm already trying to

00:12:12

come to an agreement with this mole at some

00:12:14

point I'm just like that and then I'll have

00:12:17

cancer I'm done with that Thank you very much for

00:12:22

listening

Description:

Стендап клуб представляет новый монолог Дани Слободенюка про романтичное предложение, детей и зарубки на руках. Приятного просмотра! Даня в соц. сетях: https://t.me/xbodyan Сольный концерт Дани 2.03 19:30: https://iframeab-pre3886.intickets.ru/event/12936360 Подпишись на телеграм канал клуба: https://t.me/Standupclubru Стендап-комики: https://standupclub.ru/project/stendap-komiki-2 Афиша стендап клуба: https://standupclub.ru/afisha Big StandUp: https://clck.ru/38jsAu Жесткий стендап: https://standupclub.ru/project/zhyostkiy-stendap Комедийный квиз: https://standupclub.ru/project/komediynyy-kviz Стендап за 60 секунд: https://standupclub.ru/project/stendap-s-kommentariyami Комики в туре: https://standupclub.ru/afisha/tours Мерч стендап клуба! - https://standupclub.ru/shop Дискорд Стендап Клуба: https://discord.com/invite/5NBQgp4jDv Мы в соцсетях: https://t.me/Standupclubru https://vk.com/standupclubru https://discord.com/invite/5NBQgp4jDv https://standupclub.ru/

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