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Video tags
Subtitles
Russian
00:00:05
[music]00:00:43
welcome to the house where00:00:47
the comedy Sasha Novikov lives00:00:50
[music]00:00:56
my respects,00:01:01
I used to work for journalists, now they do00:01:07
n’t hire anyone who works anywhere, but I read the00:01:09
advertisement looking for a00:01:10
sales consultant, an00:01:13
intimate store near the Shelepikha metro station, I00:01:16
didn’t think they could hire00:01:20
me, I look so kind lamp00:01:25
[applause]00:01:27
I can even offer an anal plug00:01:30
as a ticket to the Moscow Art Theater,00:01:35
well, I imagined how I work.00:01:37
Visitors now are few, mostly all00:01:40
online are00:01:42
suitable, you know, the lady is nice,00:01:45
such a mother at the crustacean,00:01:50
we can follow her with a thong, offer a00:01:53
memory00:01:54
to try on, or a stewardess suit you00:01:59
know, the stewardess costume has become a lot,00:02:01
just after the pandemic, a lot of airlines have00:02:03
gone bankrupt00:02:05
[applause]00:02:07
the flight attendants are carrying,00:02:09
but she comes up to me and you know, in a00:02:12
quiet voice I whisper, I have a man’s shoulder,00:02:17
and where in our store can I find a shoulder00:02:22
in one, there are00:02:26
phalluses, there are even electric asses, there are,00:02:29
but there is no shoulder00:02:36
despite crying, and I’m an experienced person,00:02:40
don’t offer napkins, we had everything00:02:43
in the store registered, I00:02:46
watch as she starts shaking it out of her purse,00:02:51
and I watch, you’ll find out from me00:02:53
such a test: if a girl00:02:55
shakes out condoms, it means you’re ready for a serious00:02:57
relationship,00:02:58
well, I see she shook out00:03:01
the super thin ones and00:03:02
you know, I love such subtlety in00:03:06
relationships00:03:09
[applause]00:03:12
like Chekhov’s, you00:03:17
know, I also have mine there, a Soviet sign from00:03:21
prominent times,00:03:24
I think now he’ll turn away, I’ll take it quietly, but00:03:28
she comes up to me, she says, what are you00:03:31
doing,00:03:33
the handbag is not by the way, so good,00:03:35
not very peace didn’t say I don’t demand00:03:39
a [ __ ] without buying her a handbag from Bottega00:03:42
Veneta00:03:46
comes up to me and says what are you00:03:48
doing00:03:49
when the working day ends, maybe00:03:52
you’ll have a drink with me, but I’m not a fool to00:03:54
drink, especially at someone else’s expense,00:03:57
at my own expense, it doesn’t work out, I have a boss00:04:00
like that she said until there are three00:04:02
electric vaginas, you don’t sell the money, you won’t00:04:05
hear, she tells the Czechs00:04:12
that the check that Pushkin is all through the vagina00:04:17
ayat00:04:21
[applause] she00:04:22
didn’t leave I like one story00:04:24
called a man with a hammer, it’s about00:04:26
conscience, and I call myself a man with a00:04:29
pin in the ass,00:04:31
remember when- they were such cars, there00:04:34
was such a hole and the driver was put in there00:04:36
with a pin in his ass,00:04:38
so I left the same car a long time ago,00:04:42
I was a00:04:48
complete ass with a pin in my hands,00:04:51
so I think I should go to her,00:04:54
it’s inconvenient, my house is old, my mother does00:04:56
n’t even know where to work although00:05:00
once I brought candy from work, the00:05:03
expiration date expired with aphrodisiacs, my00:05:05
mother ate it, she says the candy looks00:05:08
good, at night I saw your dead father00:05:12
on a horse in the taiga with a naked torso and00:05:17
thunder, is it really our father Putin who00:05:25
shouldn’t miss this chance if my00:05:29
shoulders and legs can bear it? maybe she00:05:33
will return me to journalism00:05:36
or make me a playwright again like Chekhov,00:05:40
remember how the case said to a person00:05:43
everything should be fine, both soul and thoughts and00:05:46
start not a person but an anal plug00:05:52
[applause]00:05:55
thank you mercy Bogdan Zatonsky00:05:59
[music]00:06:05
hello everyone my00:06:10
name is Bogdan I’m 22 years, my parents often00:06:14
ask what I have achieved by this00:06:15
age, apparently with a diploma for the Russian00:06:18
bear cub, they are no longer surprised00:06:21
at all appeared at school there were a lot of00:06:23
different cool competitions Russian00:06:25
bear cub kangaroo British bulldog00:06:27
I think that’s why I became a00:06:29
veterinarian,00:06:31
well, choosing the profession of a veterinarian in Moscow00:06:34
is how to play in Russian roulette where there are00:06:35
only two cartridges in the drum, the first is a00:06:37
rich, successful life and the second is knowing00:06:39
where the cow is. jack00:06:43
just look, the profession on a visa in00:06:45
Moscow is not very prestigious, for example, a00:06:47
lawyer can afford to buy an00:06:48
apartment without a mortgage, a dentist can00:06:50
eat in a restaurant in peace, because in00:06:53
our Moscow it’s when you order a00:06:54
taxi comfort class 1 1 but this hits00:06:56
two budgets for two months forward,00:07:02
I actually accidentally became a visit to the Rams00:07:05
carriage, just a coincidence of circumstances, at the00:07:07
age of 6 I delivered the birth of a sheep,00:07:13
then for the first time I understood the phrase that the father is not the one00:07:15
who conceived the one who raised00:07:20
you know, my story is like a very bad00:07:22
adaptation of netflix she is a cartoon Mowgli there the00:07:26
boy was raised by wolves I raised a00:07:28
ram00:07:29
such an exemplary ram, you know, but00:07:32
keeping track of comments with everyone, swears in00:07:35
mushrooms, participates in everyone, looks for a00:07:37
faithful girl in crazy daisy,00:07:42
in general, the profession leaves its00:07:45
mark, I have a lot of friends in00:07:46
couples, you know, these couples who00:07:48
order numbered T-shirts with the00:07:50
names of Dorofeeva 0700:07:53
Ivanov 13 with them the ocean immediately means00:07:57
they are like that00:08:00
they are also they are usually a vessel of wine an00:08:03
escalator these scum00:08:08
I can’t I can’t perceive when00:08:11
they call each other the affectionate00:08:12
names of animals so they sit and she00:08:15
says to him you’re my bunny00:08:17
at that moment bursting in Aru and I go in and00:08:20
eat ours for a long time in times of famine,00:08:26
well, it’s like there’s such a guy, maybe there’s00:08:28
a sin behind him and there’s such a thing, or for example, here00:08:31
they are in the tenth year, look at my little fox,00:08:34
foxes after the birth of the first00:08:37
offspring immediately find a new00:08:39
partner, she’s your little fox every weekend in bar00:08:42
and he also has red hair on his back, but don’t00:08:44
ask how I know this, I00:08:50
call my girlfriend a lioness because a00:08:52
lioness wants sex up to 30 times a day, and I,00:08:55
as a lion, can only do two, that’s00:09:00
only a month,00:09:03
in general, they’re very similar to animals and It’s00:09:05
very difficult for us to treat depression,00:09:06
for example, it’s very difficult to treat depression in a00:09:08
cow that doesn’t give milk because00:09:10
she’s in the resource,00:09:14
she left, she left the material for00:09:17
the spiritual,00:09:18
or for example, a horse that came out of a00:09:20
toxic relationship that chiron smiles, the00:09:23
river’s hair turns green and away00:09:28
I really like girls to a friend on00:09:30
this joke, why not teach cows like that,00:09:32
who can improve00:09:34
to, but sometimes the problem is not in the animals from00:09:38
the owners, there was once a case00:09:39
when a client arrived with a very00:09:42
beautiful cat, she discovered an extra detail00:09:43
on her, we shaved everything there and there, she00:09:47
says, well, mazin used massage,00:09:48
did all this, checked for my husband00:09:50
first, so we came to yours, so00:09:54
we shaved this area, it turned out to be a nipple, the00:09:59
cat had such a face, you and I will00:10:01
meet,00:10:06
I’m just from the province and the province,00:10:08
pets don’t need that kind of00:10:10
attention, remember these dogs and cats in00:10:12
the village -the ones who seem to have returned as if they were their own, who do00:10:13
n’t have a piece of fur on their00:10:16
butt and there’s burdock everywhere they go,00:10:18
this is no joke, my grandfather had a 3rd Serval of his00:10:21
cat, so he tried for 10 years with his neighbors00:10:23
and came home to sleep and00:10:27
learned the same code when the00:10:29
cop wars begin my own game and tested00:10:33
my grandfather’s moonshine, which is probably why I went blind00:10:36
and went bald00:10:37
in general, I’m not the best veterinary00:10:40
specialist, I worked only three days in00:10:41
this profession,00:10:46
now it was a shame because I spent00:10:48
35 years on this, and also distance00:10:51
learning ruined everything, there was an incident, I’m00:10:53
sitting at home watching a video for castration, this is how00:10:56
the veterinarian rest, don’t worry, I’m00:10:58
sitting and watching my cat come in,00:11:03
he comes in after him, my mom comes in,00:11:06
this is the video for me 1:25 profia back off I00:11:09
decided again soup soup is not a trash heap if I00:11:11
do the same thing00:11:14
I have a younger brother and I think that00:11:17
children under 6 years of age should be treated by00:11:18
veterinarians00:11:20
because00:11:22
because in general there are problems with the skin of the00:11:25
dacha to add in the corners lichen worms00:11:27
finger sticks balls they carry everywhere with them00:11:30
some people definitely need a leash00:11:33
and it makes me happy how children react to cutting their00:11:35
nails how animals took these videos to00:11:37
on Instagram, they cut this, but00:11:43
listen, in my childhood, cutting my nails00:11:45
was a punishment, then I couldn’t write for a month,00:11:48
I came home, I got a D on a00:11:51
math test, my father forced00:11:53
the tweezers and my nails grew back on my00:11:54
fingers,00:11:59
revenge, revenge was very sweet, I broke00:12:02
his moonshine still,00:12:03
everyone cried especially my grandfather00:12:07
recently found out that software for dogs00:12:10
has beer, in general, just00:12:12
imagine this picture, you’re ideal, you00:12:13
don’t need to look for friends anymore to00:12:14
meet and weekends,00:12:16
you just take your dog, you sit00:12:19
in the kitchen, drink beer at some point,00:12:21
promise to buy a softer collar and a longer00:12:23
leash,00:12:25
she promises you no longer to fight with00:12:27
bags at home to [ __ ] only on the street,00:12:31
well, in general, I wish everyone to find a00:12:33
friend with whom you could calmly00:12:34
drink beer, even if it’s also dogs, I’m00:12:36
all thanks for the novel, I’m walking around00:12:39
[music]00:12:46
hello everyone my name is Roman Kozub and00:12:49
let's be honest, but Kozub and this is00:12:51
not really the surname00:12:53
goat, but this is what dried up under your00:12:56
nose when you sneezed,00:13:00
I think that in translation from the Japanese00:13:02
costume00:13:05
it translates as damn you I00:13:13
walk on so it could be called00:13:15
medieval a medieval disease00:13:17
that killed half of Europe,00:13:20
get the joke, but you won’t wash your hands,00:13:22
hook it up to the hatch,00:13:24
we didn’t wash it for once and we got00:13:26
married.00:13:33
Kozub is a great name for a hunchbacked00:13:36
henchman of Victor Frankenstein,00:13:39
like I’m walking along, yes, the owner pulls the00:13:49
switches and we’ll revive the monster, the00:13:52
boiler rubbed the pipe, Eric, yes,00:13:59
I’m married and my wife refused to take00:14:02
my last name,00:14:04
she stayed with her last name, her last name is 40, this is how00:14:08
we live with her, kozub, her 40,00:14:16
by the way, it would be awesome,00:14:19
let’s get married, and a00:14:21
romance, a goat, for 30 years, Taurus dreams of00:14:24
taking a beautiful last name for his future00:14:26
beloved or for 40 37 years Aquarius00:14:29
is ready to get married even if ordered00:14:37
I always wondered where00:14:40
such an unusual surname came from because with00:14:42
ordinary surnames it’s more or less clear00:14:44
Ivanov means the ancestor was the son of Ivan00:14:47
Kuznetsov the ancestor was the son of the blacksmith of the sands00:14:50
there the ancestor had cool connections,00:14:57
I googled it and it turned out that the teeth00:15:01
they called people in the ancient times who00:15:03
weaved baskets and I have a question how00:15:06
bad it was to weave baskets for00:15:10
you to be called kozub and00:15:11
because if they did it well, then you would00:15:14
now at least00:15:16
have a novel basket00:15:23
with such a surname in front of you. It is very difficult to choose a00:15:26
name for your unborn child especially now it’s00:15:28
very fashionable to name children unusual,00:15:31
can you imagine if her son’s name is Hector,00:15:34
he will meet girls00:15:38
hi baby, I’m Hector00:15:41
Hector to Shupa,00:15:48
and it’s also difficult to give a simple00:15:52
name to a child with such a surname, middle00:15:54
names help out a little, you need Romanovich, it00:15:57
always sounds cool, well, for example, a simple name00:15:59
Vasily Vasily Romanovich direct deputy00:16:02
stral kindergarten turned out to be a sauna00:16:06
Vasily Romanovich our candidate but00:16:09
Vasya to dupe is already an electric drunk of the00:16:11
second category00:16:13
[applause]00:16:18
wife Tamara 40 clonidine count00:16:25
in my class there were two novels this is00:16:28
Tkachev’s novel and Romanco dupe but they only called him00:16:31
Even the teachers called me by the name Roman,00:16:34
only by my last name, we had a00:16:36
clear division into Roman and to the tooth,00:16:40
who would lead the school squad at the Spartakiad,00:16:43
Roman, who would go wash the rake from the00:16:46
[ __ ] after work, I go to00:16:53
who then it’s [ __ ] from the ships, put00:16:56
Tkachev’s briefcase correctly to the probe00:17:00
[applause]00:17:03
my last name has a very big plus,00:17:05
I’ve never had an offensive nickname, but00:17:08
you must agree, why would a person with the last name00:17:10
goat have an00:17:11
offensive nickname?00:17:13
I have a younger brother, he’s a millennial, he was00:17:18
born in 2001, so there’s still a00:17:21
small chance that some girl00:17:23
will put it on herself collar surnames Kozub and00:17:26
so here he is millennials they don’t have nicknames00:17:29
they have nicknames on Instagram in00:17:32
online games like red dragon00:17:35
moons angel black phoenix and remember our00:17:39
nickname hump you stink his Murzik00:17:42
bourgeois infantry policeman heartburn blows and00:17:45
moose the girls’ nickname was00:17:49
[applause ] my00:17:53
brother and I naturally got this surname00:17:56
from our father, we know00:17:58
how the Wi-Fi router gave this surname to everyone,00:18:00
then he went to another family00:18:02
to distribute this surname, it turned out that my father had a00:18:05
very dynamic api address,00:18:12
it would seem that what is the problem, you can take the00:18:15
mother’s surname, especially for many stars,00:18:17
it’s even kind of trendy, but there’s one00:18:20
small pitfall: my mother’s maiden00:18:23
name could have been removed,00:18:26
both remak and believe me I lived, I lived in a00:18:30
small village town and there would be00:18:33
such characters as Romka, let’s take ok00:18:37
it would be such a character to I00:18:40
’m telling you about him, they just laid down a damn thing00:18:44
like he drove a yellow Muscovite through the entire00:18:48
village at enormous speed under a scooter00:18:51
shouting00:18:52
thank you to our telephone poles, a00:18:56
native Muscovite with 3 would come out at a time, he00:18:58
would meet himself with glass and go home to00:19:00
sleep,00:19:07
he would be standing near the store begging00:19:10
youth money like guys and Haiti 1000:19:15
rubles I’ll tell you the story again about a00:19:19
Muscovite, go [ __ ] yourself00:19:21
[applause]00:19:28
yes, he would have a million women00:19:31
but according to his stories,00:19:33
but one day he would meet the00:19:35
only one, she would come to him from behind the00:19:38
fireplace of her00:19:41
sweatpants tucked in high00:19:43
Fouquet boots,00:19:45
she would be fiddling with an elite00:19:47
plastic bag with the inscription bmb,00:19:51
he would come up to her and say hello00:19:54
queen,00:19:56
I'm Romka, welcome ok00:20:00
Anna look at00:20:02
the channel and00:20:05
I'm more like a rock00:20:09
[applause]00:20:13
flew00:20:16
in general, no matter what your last name or00:20:19
what is your nickname, the main thing is not to00:20:21
dupe thank you airat garaev00:20:25
[music]00:20:33
thanks to my hypersexuality I00:20:36
have a girlfriend00:20:37
yes you heard right00:20:39
thanks to my hypersexuality even a bird flew into00:20:42
this factory for the destruction of sharp00:20:44
wings and skepticism, so to00:20:47
speak, fell into the trap of high-calorie00:20:49
beauty and00:20:51
Pavla hold stop applaud those who are00:20:55
now in a relationship and00:20:57
who is happy and00:21:00
who is really happy00:21:04
if you analyze it, first clap for those who are00:21:06
married and then for those whose relationship00:21:08
started 15 minutes ago00:21:13
I if I always liked the Terminator but I00:21:16
wanted to meet him and what came true00:21:18
I have a bodybuilder girlfriend00:21:21
On our first date, she00:21:24
said just that, I need your bar shoes cycle00:21:26
and vanilla protein,00:21:29
she looks like something between a00:21:31
Hulk and a Barbie, well, how can I explain it to you,00:21:34
applaud those who watched the cartoon00:21:36
Tarzan,00:21:38
so she’s not a gorilla,00:21:41
she’s Tarzan, well, that is, she’s right00:21:44
eat take care of myself this is what I eat like I’m00:21:46
not myself and how in everyone00:21:50
she presses to unscrew 140 kilograms I’m always00:21:55
120 so she takes me in her arms drags me to00:21:57
the bedroom she says no bullets with family today I00:21:59
’ll be gentle and00:22:03
in sex she’s always on top she’s just not a00:22:06
single girl doesn’t want to be crushed by the closet,00:22:09
I think she00:22:12
always treats a guy’s choice the same as the barbell00:22:14
gradually increases without00:22:20
some people wondering how you two00:22:22
actually met in the00:22:24
first place, he had a psychological00:22:25
trauma as a child and she wanted a big white00:22:28
plush from such a branded magnifying glass eye00:22:31
you are bears and she got a name bought in a00:22:34
village store with a wrinkled ear, the fur is00:22:37
not smooth in places and generally not, I would00:22:41
say she got it, you know, this is the00:22:43
caterpillar moth,00:22:46
but thanks to her I know that I will become a00:22:49
beautiful cabbage butterfly00:22:51
[music]00:22:54
we met her in the gym but not00:22:57
so a pigeon was flying towards the gym and00:22:59
behind it00:23:02
I was running on the treadmill although who am I00:23:05
kidding walked although who am I kidding it was00:23:08
lying there it approaches so gently00:23:11
falls to its knees with its hand running over its00:23:14
face and says the man your ketchup00:23:16
was smeared and at that moment between us00:23:19
immediately there was chemistry anabolic steroids00:23:22
and I have a daughter and pressure00:23:26
but everything is cool romance sex voice like00:23:30
daddy’s and00:23:32
you know it’s actually difficult for me to compete with her00:23:34
for the title of man, well00:23:36
because I’m not making love she00:23:39
[ __ ] me stupidly00:23:43
she’s recorded in the phone I’m like00:23:46
his favorites, I’m pita fat,00:23:49
I don’t like movies about gangsters,00:23:52
that’s why she affectionately calls me, you know, we’re00:23:54
Olka Ponchik,00:23:58
you know, I honestly don’t know how to00:24:01
introduce him to his mother, I just see this00:24:03
picture when she stands and says 7. I00:24:06
understand that you will give birth,00:24:09
I see you already have a place ready and we00:24:13
decided to diversify our everyday life, we decided to00:24:15
go to bachata, but there is one problem, a00:24:18
big problem, but we found a way out, we00:24:22
even got our own style of dance,00:24:23
such a region is for pregnant women and00:24:27
the teacher says, you understand in dance they00:24:30
must show their true passion, I think00:24:33
what the hell passion is on stage Timon and00:24:35
Pumbaa,00:24:39
but this is not the worst thing that awaits me00:24:42
here, she told me that she will go to the00:24:44
airborne army,00:24:45
I see this picture of her returning from the00:24:49
landing tour, I am standing so beautiful at the registry office00:24:52
in00:24:53
Mom is standing behind the dress and says son, I00:24:56
told you that giving birth is a different way and00:25:03
I think that we will still have00:25:05
awesome children as strong, beautiful00:25:08
as mom and hyper sexy like dad,00:25:11
that’s all for me,00:25:13
like and press the bell and wait for new00:25:16
episodes of stand-up in the house on the windows channel00:25:24
[music]00:25:27
and00:25:28
[music]Description:
Stand-Up в Доме - это шоу, где молодые комики рассказывают свои шутки. Не упусти возможность познакомиться с восходящими звёздами StandUp, пока они ещё помнят вкус Доширака. Приятного просмотра! Подписывайтесь на нас в соц сетях: ✔ Сайт: standuphouse.ru ✔ Вконтакте: vk.com/standup_house ✔ Instagram: instagram.com/standup_house
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