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Russian
00:00:06
DISCLAIMER: The video contains plenty of swearing, controversial material, vulgarity and more. This stand-up show recording is intended for viewing only by persons over 18. We are not responsible for the content your children watch online — this was not made for them. 00:00:08
Everything said during the show should be viewed exclusively as a comedic performance, artistic work and personal views of the stage character, which they do not insist on. We don't promote anything, don't call for any action and don't mean to offend anyone. 00:00:11
SELF-DECEPTION — the act of convincing oneself of ideas that don't reflect reality; a false self-implanted certainty in something. 00:00:14
This psychological phenomenon may be a psychological defense mechanism. 00:00:17
DANILA POPERECHNIY PRESENTS: 00:00:22
STAND-UP SPECIAL FOR KIDS 00:00:26
(cheering, applause)00:00:28
Okay.00:00:29
Let's get something
out of the way.00:00:32
Early into this tour,
they passed an amendment00:00:35
saying that persons under 18
can't attend 18+ events,00:00:41
even with a parent or some
letter of permission.00:00:45
Thus my request: can I get a round of
applause from persons born in 2001?00:00:51
(cheering, applause)00:00:55
(applause turns to laughter)00:00:59
You're now legally fuckable!
Holy shit!00:01:04
You know, you guys and I,
we're not from the same generation.00:01:06
I used to think that everyone born
after 1994, the year I was born,00:01:10
that we're sort of the same.00:01:11
Not true at all.00:01:13
This crowd that clapped just now, they were
born into the internet and smartphones.00:01:17
We're from a different generation.
My grandma was my fucking Google.00:01:21
And let me tell you, she was NOT the best
means to learn about the world.00:01:25
"Nana, what's a tattoo?"
"SIN."00:01:29
"Can you drink urine?"
"You HAVE to."00:01:33
"My tummy hurts. What do I do?"
"Doggy take Dania's ache!"00:01:36
Remember the fucking pain baton they
used to pass on to the poor animals?00:01:40
I grew up. I have a dog, and he limps.
"Well, way to fucking run your mouth, nana!"00:01:46
She goes, "Uhh... Kitty take
the doggy's ache!"00:01:48
I'm like, "Stop it!
Stop passing it on!"00:01:50
If you have this sort of power,
just say, "No one ache!"00:01:53
Be precise. Like:00:01:55
"Putin take the kitty's ache."00:01:57
Pick someone who'd fucking...
be appropriate to get sick already.00:02:01
(cheering, applause)00:02:05
Less than two minutes
into the show – Putin.00:02:08
Guys, I'm fucking fed up myself.00:02:10
I don't like it either.00:02:12
My folks aren't too happy with me
telling these types of jokes either.00:02:17
I have a feeling that for the longest time,
my parents used to think of me00:02:19
like I'm some kind of cryptocurrency that they'd
invested a fuckload of money into.00:02:22
Then 18 years later, I turned out
to be a fucking scam.00:02:26
"Actually, I wanna drop out of college
and make YouTube videos!"00:02:30
Mom's like: "Why didn't we cash out
back in 2010? Motherfucker!"00:02:34
Bad luck.00:02:36
We didn't have any money
when we were kids.00:02:38
I don't mean us kids.
Our parents didn't.00:02:41
No one had any money.00:02:43
These days, clothes on
little fuckers go together.00:02:47
You realize that? Little children wear
clothes that make up a style.00:02:51
We were lucky to HAVE clothes.00:02:54
My mom once made
a pair of pants for me herself.00:02:58
And she obviously used the most badass
fabric that was around at the time,00:03:01
brown fucking corduroy.00:03:03
I got these two wide brown
triangles on my legs.00:03:09
I didn't know I'd wanna
screw some day yet,00:03:13
but somehow I knew I'm never getting
any action wearing these motherfuckers.00:03:17
But mom spent so much
time making them00:03:19
that when she had me try them on
and said, "What do you think?",00:03:22
all I could possibly respond with was,
"You know what? They're awesome!"00:03:25
"All 12-year-old shitheads LOVE corduroy!
How did you know?"00:03:29
First thing I heard
when I went outside was:00:03:31
[*Male protagonist from the Soviet animated]
[adaptation of The Town Musicians of Bremen.]
[Had flare pants.]
"Yo, it's the fuckin' Troubadour*!"
Instantly! Like, isntantly!00:03:35
I'm like,
"Yeah. I'm the Troubadour."00:03:37
"'Cause I'm friends with an ass."00:03:39
I had to distract people
with abrasive jokes!00:03:43
I had to wear them for an entire year,
embarrassing myself the whole time.00:03:47
Grew out of them
and was like,00:03:49
"Finally! The fucking corduroy
era is over! Thank God!"00:03:53
Tried to go outside not wearing
the pants. Mom went,00:03:55
"Why aren't you wearing
your super duper pants?"00:03:57
I go, "Mom, but I grew out of them!"
She says, "Hold up! Put them on!"00:04:01
I put them on, and she unfolded
the tucks for another fucking year!00:04:06
(cheering, applause)00:04:11
At some point, I thought that
in, like, five years' time,00:04:15
my pants will eventually unfold into
a fucking corduroy apartment that I'll live00:04:20
and kiss my corduroy wife in.00:04:23
"The Troubadour."00:04:26
Have you noticed how cartoons and
fairy tales that we experience as children00:04:32
shape our adult selves
and our views?00:04:36
Ever noticed that the Troubadour
was a stark oppositionist?00:04:40
[*Prominent leader of the Russian opposition.]
"We love all the roads."
That's every video of Navalniy*!00:04:44
"We'll never trade our freedom
for the lavish palace life!"00:04:49
He's a hardcore anarchist.00:04:50
And we thought,
"Haha, cool. Red pants."00:04:55
I actually think the person to blame
for our country's modern politics00:04:58
is the Little Mermaid.00:05:00
Seriously.00:05:01
Because this story taught
us as children00:05:04
that the villain has a voice,
you don't.00:05:10
(cheering, applause)00:05:16
But this story has lots of00:05:20
unjustified and silly elements.00:05:22
For instance.00:05:24
Think about it: Ariel traded her fish tail
and her voice for a pair of legs.00:05:30
She didn't know her new legs
came with a cunt, did she?00:05:34
Imagine her surprise!00:05:37
With no way to ask!00:05:39
(audience laughs)00:05:43
Imagine her and the Prince
meeting for the first time.00:05:46
He says, "Ariel, you're beautiful!"
She goes...00:05:49
(chuckling and giggling)00:05:54
(laughter and applause)00:05:57
The Prince comes
to the witch and says:00:06:00
"I don't know what you
did there, Ursula."00:06:01
"But she stopped yapping and
started showing pussy. Thank you!"00:06:04
"I owe you one."00:06:06
(cheering, applause)00:06:12
Round of applause if your grandma
read you your fairy tales.00:06:15
(lively applause)00:06:19
I went to see my nana
early in the tour.00:06:23
Everyone's got those other grandparents,
the unimportant ones, right?00:06:27
Haha!00:06:28
The ones that, you know...00:06:31
You talk about them thinking,
"Oh, THOSE guys."00:06:35
Like there was a battle for the title
of primary grandparents00:06:38
where one of the couples
got shit on.00:06:41
So I went to see
my grandma prime.00:06:43
Every time I ask her
how she's doing,00:06:46
100% of the time, her answer is,
"Couldn't sleep all night!"00:06:50
I'm like, "So what, the snoring
is just to fuck with us?"00:06:56
I couldn't understand what
kept her up all the time.00:07:01
Then it hit me.00:07:02
Because I'm registered as residing at my
nana's place but don't actually live there,00:07:07
and because I make certain videos and say
certain things about the government,00:07:11
she routinely gets visits from
the cops with inquiries and shit.00:07:15
One time, they tried to get me for
offending the feelings of the religious.00:07:20
[*Originally "Pop Kultura" or "Pop/Priest Culture."]
[The name is a pun: "pop" is both short for "popular"]
[and a slightly outdated, slightly derogatory]
[word for "priest."]
[The song criticizes members of the clergy that profiteer]
[off their jobs and makes excessive use of sexual]
[double entendres, both visually and verbally,]
[as is cliché for the song's genre (hip-hop).]
I didn't show my Priestin'*
music video to my nana,00:07:22
because she believes in God.00:07:24
"What does my grandson do? Oh, he stomps
everything I hold dear before millions of people."00:07:30
But when cops started pestering her
about the video, I was really scared00:07:34
that they'd show it to her.00:07:37
But because we have
moronic post-Soviet police,00:07:40
you know how they attached
the video to the case?00:07:44
They printed out a screenshot of YouTube
on a black-and-white printer00:07:50
and put it in the folder.00:07:51
You should've seen my nana's confusion
when they told her: "This is the video."00:07:55
She went: "This is a sheet of paper.
The fuck are you talking about?"00:07:58
"How can this be a video?
What the fuck?"00:08:00
(applause)00:08:05
So my mom and I keep telling my nana:
"Don't let them in. Don't talk to the police."00:08:10
Article 51 of the Constitution says you have
the right to not testify against your family.00:08:15
She keeps inviting them in for tea!00:08:17
Bakes 'em pastries. Fucking tells 'em
everything. She's bored.00:08:20
She's buddy-buddy with the police!00:08:22
My case file probably has all my
childhood pictures on it at this point.00:08:31
Here's the problem.00:08:33
Until recently,
everything was fine.00:08:35
But grandma's friendliness
played a nasty trick on me.00:08:39
[*Infamous head of Chechnia,]
[an islamic federal subject of Russia.]
Last year, as you may know,
I made a parody on Ramzan Kadirov*.00:08:43
Not my funniest video. I just wanted
to fuck with him without asking.00:08:47
It worked.00:08:48
Because...00:08:50
I haven't actually told this
story before this tour.00:08:53
Four days after I released the video,
someone in Grozniy reported me.00:08:59
claiming that I house illegal
immigrants at my place of registration00:09:03
and also distribute
child pornography.00:09:06
My lawyer and I went:
"Ha!"00:09:09
"Classic Chechen prank!"00:09:13
We thought: whatever.
Shit goes down, we'll deal with it.00:09:17
Apparently, a couple of months ago,
Grozniy got a new Chief Investigator.00:09:23
With this case still open.00:09:25
Because a couple of weeks ago,
some dude called my nana and said:00:09:29
"Hi. I'm the Chief Investigator
of Grozniy so-and-so."00:09:34
"Are you Danila Poperechniy's grandma?"
She says, "Yes, that's me."00:09:37
"I wanted to talk to you about
this report on your grandson."00:09:40
"It says here that he distributes
child pornography."00:09:44
This baffled my grandma
so much that she said,00:09:47
"He says he's sorry and promises
to never do it again!"00:09:51
(laughter, applause)00:09:57
When I found out about this, I went:
"You told them fucking what?!"00:10:00
"Come again, nana?!"00:10:02
She says: "But he was so polite!
He immediately hung up."00:10:04
"Of course he did! Of course
he fucking did, nana!"00:10:07
"'Cause the Chechens now
have a recording00:10:11
"of my family member saying,
'Yeah, he did do it, but he's REALLY sorry!'"00:10:16
I said, "No hard feelings, nana, but the next
time one of the neighbors says,00:10:19
"'Who took a shit on the pavement?',00:10:21
"I'll go, 'Nana says she's sorry.
She couldn't hold it in.'"00:10:24
"'She's old.'
Fucking gonna blame everything on you."00:10:28
Who's on Twitter?
Round of applause.00:10:30
Who uses Twitter?00:10:34
Anyone else feels like
Russian Twitter00:10:36
is a fucked up mix of memes,
injustice and broken lives?00:10:41
I mean...
(cheering, applause)00:10:42
Every morning:00:10:44
"Whoa! They wanna lock a guy up
for pulling on a serviceman's sleeve?"00:10:49
(makes a swiping sound)00:10:50
"Not in cheer? You're a queer."
Well, shit...00:10:53
Guess I'm a queer,
'cause shit's upsetting.00:10:58
Kirill Zhukov, a regular guy,00:11:01
got three years in prison for
lifting a guardsman's visor.00:11:09
Lifted it, and got three years.00:11:12
I think that's wrong.00:11:13
Where were his manners? You knock first!
You don't just come in uninvited!00:11:18
I'm so fucking mad,
and I'm so tired of getting upset00:11:21
with the never-ending
injustice in this country00:11:25
that I nearly uninstalled Twitter.00:11:27
But then I realized that it's like closing
your eyes while being fucked in the ass.00:11:31
"Who knows what's
going on back there!"00:11:33
"Personally, I'm apolitical..."
(gags on the mic)00:11:36
You know?00:11:37
It's not an option. It just isn't.00:11:40
(cheering, applause)00:11:46
I... heh...00:11:47
to my deepest shame,00:11:50
only learned a couple of months
ago that Dmitriy Peskov,00:11:54
Vladimir Putin's official rep,00:11:56
when talking to a liberal journalist
during the Bolotnaya Square protests,00:12:01
said the following,00:12:03
quote:00:12:04
"The livers of these protesters
should be smeared on the asphalt."00:12:09
When the liberal journalist published
the transcript of this interview online,00:12:14
Peskov did not deny saying this
and instead commented:00:12:17
"Yeah, I said that, but he's
a dick for getting it out there."00:12:22
"Smear the protesters'
livers on the asphalt."00:12:26
Think about the level of cynicism
and hatred towards regular people00:12:31
that simply went outside
to defend their rights!00:12:33
I was like, "Putin couldn't
possibly be this evil!"00:12:37
But then I remembered that spokespersons
usually smooth out the edges.00:12:42
Imagine what a nutjob Putin is00:12:46
if this guy is Putin-light!00:12:49
He's like: "What?!
He called me degenerate?!"00:12:51
"Burn his entire family on the Red Square
and kill him by stoning!"00:12:55
[*Hint at the assassination of Russian]
[opposition leader Boris Nemtsov.]
Peskov's like, "Let's just fucking do him in
on some bridge at night. What's the difference?"*00:13:01
"Quietly."00:13:02
(loud cheering, applause)00:13:07
(chuckles)00:13:08
I actually think our corrupt deputies
still haven't had Navalniy assassinated00:13:13
because his channel is their sport.00:13:17
Deputies make bets on who's
getting investigated next.00:13:20
Who'll have how much
property uncovered.00:13:22
"Fucking 16 billion? Holy shit!
And just a deputy mayor? Nice!"00:13:26
"Here's your twenty. Fair play."00:13:29
[*Sports betting firm.]
The Anti-Corruption Foundation
is their FONBET*.00:13:34
Imagine this shit!00:13:35
Like, some deputy stole
a fuckload of money,00:13:38
comes up to another one, says: "Hey, dude.
I wanna join the game. What do I do?"00:13:44
"You need to give Navalniy a sign."00:13:47
"Wear your most expensive watch and wait.
He'll know you're playing."00:13:54
I'm not really sure what's up
with Navalniy either.00:13:58
Okay, Aleksey, we get it!
Great investigation!00:14:01
They stole a fuckload
of money and property.00:14:04
What do we do, Aleksey Navalniy?
He's like: "There is a solution!"00:14:07
"Like and subscribe."
Jesus!00:14:10
That's my solution too.00:14:15
This shit pisses everyone off
at this point. Everyone!00:14:18
I recently found my weakness.00:14:20
You know? Like garlic to vampires and anger
to Bruce Banner, turns him into the Hulk.00:14:23
I found mine.00:14:24
We were shooting some project
for 19 hours straight.00:14:27
I was tired like a motherfucker.00:14:29
We called a cab. The car
arrived at the wrong place.00:14:32
I got even more tired
walking to it.00:14:34
I crashed in the back seat
hoping to have a nap,00:14:36
but that was before
the driver said:00:14:39
"Petersburg's a fucking mess.
Putin doesn't care, does he?"00:14:42
I went, "Damn right, man!"
Got me back up like that!00:14:46
I...00:14:47
(cheering, applause)00:14:52
I think after a while, the car
was no longer running on gas.00:14:55
Instead, it was propelled by our two
flaming assholes, like a DeLorean.00:15:01
But then the conversation
took a really weird turn.00:15:06
Because the driver went,00:15:08
"So what's your solution?"00:15:11
I went: "I guess we'll have to
wait it out until Putin dies."00:15:16
He went, "Putin's not dying."00:15:19
"Wh- What do you mean?"
"They'll find a way to clone him."00:15:23
"Yeah. According to the Constitution,
a clone is not the same person."00:15:26
"So you can elect him again,
and again, and again."00:15:28
"We'll have Putin I,
Putin III, Putin V..."00:15:31
I went, "Okay... Uh..."00:15:34
"What's YOUR plan?"00:15:36
He went, "Honestly, I've wanted to kill Putin
for a while now. Can't find a gun though."00:15:39
[*Historical marketplace in Petersburg.]
"Tried Apraksin Yard*.
Nada. No ammo."00:15:41
"Found a gun, but no ammo."00:15:44
(loud cheering, applause)00:15:47
I'm realizing I'm in a car with Putin's
assassin behind the wheel,00:15:53
who's just a minor setback away.00:15:57
I'm like, "Shit, how many
stars do I give him?"00:16:02
Tip? Yeah, with a comment:
"For ammo."00:16:07
He psyched me out so fucking hard
I began to side with Putin.00:16:11
I go: "Dude, I don't think Putin is the source.
I don't think he's the main villain."00:16:17
He went: "Oh, no, you'll see. He's like the Night King.
Fuck him up, and they'll all perish."00:16:21
I'm sitting there thinking,
"Fucking really?!"00:16:28
I also notice we're taking
all the wrong turns.00:16:33
I go, "Excuse me, why are we not
using the GPS system?"00:16:35
He says, "Eh, I don't trust 'em."
I'm like: what the fuck is going on?!00:16:39
First off, what do you mean by
"I don't trust the GPS?"00:16:43
"Trust" is a very strong word.00:16:45
How can a GPS system break your fucking trust?
What did you entrust it with?00:16:49
You once ended up in a gay club
with two dicks going,00:16:52
[*Yandex voice assistant.]
"This is all your fault, Alice!*"00:16:56
"In 300 meters, you're a fag."00:16:58
Well, fuck.00:17:03
I've noticed that
in addition to money,00:17:06
our deputies are beginning to move
their family to offshore islands.00:17:12
That's a really bad sign.00:17:14
The worst part is, I've no fucking
clue what to do about it.00:17:18
No fucking clue.00:17:20
I keep telling everyone
I'm a stand-up comedian,00:17:22
but everyone knows that
I'm actually a vlogger.00:17:25
This show is basically a compilation of my
reactions to what's going on in this country.00:17:31
[*Late night talk show.]
I keep saying, "Fuck TV!"
Still frequent Urgant*.00:17:36
Went to Dud'. Everyone's talking
to Dud' about me. I mean...00:17:39
I'm becoming so mainstream00:17:41
that in a couple of years, deputies
will start hiring me for their parties00:17:44
so that I shit on them
like back in the old days.00:17:48
[*Wealthy settlement in Moscow Oblast.]
Gonna be dancing like
a monkey in Barviha*:00:17:50
"You fucking assholes left
this country high and dry!"00:17:52
They'll be like, "Hey, that's us!"00:17:55
"Like!"00:18:00
I'm upset because...00:18:03
You used to have this idea:00:18:05
"Let's do these shows
before they ban 'em!"00:18:08
What if I'm actually
a part of the system?00:18:10
What if I'm useful to them because
I help you let out steam?00:18:15
What if some powerful deputy's son
is browsing my channel, going:00:18:19
"Hey dad, it's kinda getting boring. He's not
releasing anything. Ban something!00:18:24
"He's funny when he
loses his shit."00:18:28
Country's going to hell as
I look funny losing my shit.00:18:30
Should've been the name
of my channel.00:18:32
"Guy with disheveled hair
and shirt is really upset."00:18:38
I always reassured myself with
the thought: "Awareness matters!00:18:42
"We have to talk about this!"00:18:45
What if not?00:18:46
What if the saying
"everyone knows what's up"00:18:49
has been more than just
a saying for ages,00:18:51
and everyone does
know what's up,00:18:53
and it's time we shut the fuck up
and started doing something?00:18:55
And I'm just a moron who points
his finger at obvious issues?00:19:00
No. That was a bad time to clap.00:19:02
That was uncalled for.
In the back too! Fuck me!00:19:06
Straight up my ass.
That was fucking...00:19:09
(cheering, applause)00:19:13
Ouch.00:19:16
But it is sad because...00:19:19
Something hit me recently,
and I didn't want to do this tour,00:19:21
because I'm basically just
selling you a protest.00:19:27
You buy a ticket and come to this show
where I go, "This shit's unfair, is it?"00:19:31
And you go, "Fucking straight!"00:19:34
"By the way, buy my merch with
unfair articles of the penal code!"00:19:37
[*Sentenced activists of Moscow protests of 2019.]
And you go, "Damn, fits so nice!" Like those
Moscow case* victims in their cells.00:19:43
(cheering, applause)00:19:48
Like someone collapsed on the ground,
and I'm the idiot that doesn't know CPR00:19:53
and just yells: "Call in an ambulance!
This person is dying!"00:19:57
The fuck are you yelling?
Call it in yourself!00:19:59
"No, no. That's not my job.00:20:02
"My job is to show
how much I care."00:20:05
Really? What does your
employment book say?00:20:07
"I care about shit professionally."00:20:10
I've no fucking idea
what to do about it.00:20:12
The only thing my tiny
ginger brain could muster00:20:16
was that I probably get why they're
fucking us and we're doing squat.00:20:21
I think it's because we're
a country of fucking slackers.00:20:25
And it's not just me trying
to roast your asses.00:20:28
I honestly feel like we're brought up
to work and deadlines. To loathe them.00:20:34
Homework. Tests. Pop quizzes.00:20:38
When you're a child, as soon as you
start experiencing being a person,00:20:41
they pack six of your days
out of seven with school00:20:44
where they teach you things
you don't care to learn.00:20:46
And they give you homework
for the week after.00:20:49
You end up with a single
day to yourself, Sunday.00:20:52
And your parents go, "Hey, he's just
sitting there, doing nothing.00:20:56
"Go to some fucking activity
club or something!"00:20:59
All they ever talk about: "How's school?
What did they say in school? Ready for school?"00:21:04
Fucking ask me who I am!
I have no idea what I am!00:21:06
Give me a spare minute
to bum around for fuck's sake!00:21:10
We tried to win us some time!
Remember how we copied homework?00:21:13
Not before class — right in class
while she's checking the other row.00:21:16
We cut every corner
to win just a little time!00:21:19
(loud cheering, applause)00:21:25
Because I was a convincing little
fucker and also copied my homework00:21:28
without intermediate steps,
just problem and answer,00:21:31
for two years, my classroom teach
thought I was a math genius.00:21:37
She'd go, "Poperechniy, where's the solution process?"
I went, "Mrs. Teach!" *thud*00:21:41
"Do you want me to explain
why 2+2=4 too?"00:21:45
She went, "Oh, okay!"00:21:49
Some might say:
"Sure, but we were kids.00:21:52
"No one wants to study
when they're a kid.00:21:55
"You wanna break shit.
You change when you grow up."00:21:58
No, you don't. You're the same
fucking slackers.00:22:01
How else do you explain that when
we get a month to do something,00:22:05
we don't do shit the whole month,00:22:07
then get to the task
in the last three days...00:22:10
(cheering, applause)00:22:12
...obviously, can't do it in time,00:22:13
ask for two more days because of
"unforeseen circumstances,"00:22:17
get the two days and
piss one of them away?!00:22:20
(applause)00:22:24
The worst part is,00:22:25
if it works out,00:22:27
we go...
(breathes in in excitement)00:22:30
"Next time, I'll do this shit in an hour!00:22:34
"I seem to be good at this shit!"00:22:36
(cheering, applause)00:22:42
But because we're the fucking
slackers that we are,00:22:46
I actually think that00:22:48
the country will be fine.00:22:51
But only in the last
possible moment.00:22:55
We put everything away
until the last moment.00:22:57
Can anyone explain why there's
still a fucking dead body00:23:00
on the main square of
this country's main city?00:23:04
What's up with that?00:23:05
Lenin is the symbol of communism.
Are we a fucking communist state?00:23:08
Why is one of our capital's
landmarks a fucking Twinkie?00:23:15
What's up with that?
That's not even funny.00:23:17
Are we Egyptians or something?
What is this taxidermy bullshit?00:23:23
I just don't understand why you
can't touch Lenin in this country.00:23:30
Just standing there like...00:23:34
"Hey, is that papier-mâché?"00:23:36
One of the guards goes:
"It's not fake!00:23:38
"Little-known historical fact:00:23:40
"Old man Lenin was made of paper.
The more you know."00:23:44
Round of applause if you've been
to the Mausoleum and saw Lenin.00:23:47
(lots of people applaud)00:23:50
Remember how it works?00:23:51
Super dark room. They bring you in as
a group: "Move it! Move it! Don't stop!"00:23:55
You're like: "Was that a cucumber?
No, that was Lenin! Holy shit."00:23:58
The Mausoleum also only works
for a few hours every day.00:24:01
What's Lenin so busy doing that
he can't lie down for a little longer?00:24:06
Jokes aside, I read up on this.00:24:09
Apparently, the rest of the time,
when Lenin is unavailable,00:24:13
they change him, wash him
and bathe him in formaldehyde.00:24:17
This made me wonder:00:24:20
why has no one still leaked
Lenin's nudes to the internet?00:24:26
No, seriously!00:24:28
Even Hollywood stars get hacked.00:24:30
These guys are just
washing this old man,00:24:33
and no one, even as a way to prank
your friends, figured out to go...00:24:37
*thud*00:24:44
For shits and giggles!
Why not?00:24:46
(applause)00:24:50
"Oh no! He's telling jokes about
Lenin's dick! That's wrong!"00:24:53
How about we fucking bury him
so I don't tell jokes about his dick?00:24:56
Let's make him popular among teenagers
then — get him an Instagram page.00:25:01
Fucking imagine Lenin's posts?
"Here's me sleeping." "Here's me bathing."00:25:07
Imagine the comments
on Lenin's Instagram.00:25:10
"Fucking get up already!
Do something for the country."00:25:13
(snickers)00:25:15
I hate reading comments, 'cause in my head,
even the normal ones sound the worst.00:25:21
It says: "Wow! No way!"
I read it as (FLIPS OUT): "Wow! No way!"00:25:24
I fucking ban the guy. Get mad.
Think up shit about them.00:25:28
Real mean comments are worse
though, 'cause sometimes,00:25:31
hater comments align with your own
doubts and give them validity.00:25:35
They go: "Not funny." I'm like: "Shit.
Must be. Could've put in more effort.00:25:41
"Probably not my funniest video."00:25:43
They go: "I fucked your dad."
I'm like: "Well...00:25:46
"Who knows?00:25:47
"The commenter sounds confident.
Been a while since I saw pa..."00:25:53
What if my dad's gay00:25:55
and he chats up my followers
by bragging that he's my dad?00:26:01
He's like: "So you like Poperechniy?
Thank this lil' fella right here. Wanna taste?"00:26:08
I recently made a joke on Twitter
that I was scared of becoming gay,00:26:12
and was doused with accusations
that that was homophobic.00:26:16
So I wanted to set things straight
on something very basic.00:26:22
When a straight person
pictures gay sex,00:26:25
it always makes them feel
at least a little disgusted.00:26:29
About gay sex. Not gay people.00:26:32
That's why we're straight.00:26:33
It has nothing to do with homophobia.
It's like...00:26:36
It's like olives.00:26:38
Like, I hate olives,00:26:40
but I realize that there's a ton
of people who love them.00:26:43
Knock yourselves out!
It's none of my business.00:26:45
I'm sure there are some olive-lovers
in this very audience! It's your life!00:26:48
Do as you please.00:26:50
But if I come to a restaurant and someone
tries to stick an olive into my order,00:26:55
I'll be super pissed:
"Hey! Get your olive outta here!00:26:58
"Go eat it at your own place! Do I look
like an olive-lover? Fuck off!"00:27:04
Though if I find
an olive in a salad...00:27:11
(cheering, applause)00:27:16
I mean, am I gonna
spit it out now?00:27:19
I ordered the salad myself, right?
I knew it's gonna have a variety of ingredients.00:27:25
I'm not gonna say: "Stop the salad.
Olive, fuck off! Resume the salad!" Am I?00:27:30
No.00:27:31
I'll munch it right down.00:27:34
You start to like olives
when you're older.00:27:36
Hear that shit? When you're older...
(chuckles) you'll get it.00:27:40
(laughs)00:27:42
Or when an olive is at the bottom of a martini —
with lots of alcohol, slides right in!00:27:46
You know, I should probably put the lid on this
analogy, 'cause I don't like where it's headed.00:27:53
I'd hate to change my orientation
by the end of this joke.00:27:57
I'm really scared to suddenly
realize I'm gay.00:28:00
Not because of some signs. It's just
such a chore to learn a new lifestyle!00:28:05
It's just...00:28:07
Let me explain why I think it's hard.00:28:10
Uhm...00:28:11
Can I get a round of applause
from the guys00:28:13
who can tell when another guy
is good-looking?00:28:17
(applause)00:28:21
That's some unhealthy shit.
You wanna get that sorted, fellas.00:28:24
That's...00:28:26
I mean, what? Do you go, "Bro!
You're a fucking unit, you know that?"00:28:30
"I mean..."00:28:31
"If I was a chick..! Ooh!"00:28:34
Fucking what?00:28:36
"Good night!"00:28:38
(laughs)00:28:40
No. It's just...00:28:42
I can never tell if a dude's handsome.00:28:45
Like, above average,
just white noise.00:28:49
Below average,
I spot uggos like a sniper.00:28:51
I'm like, "He's downright fucking scary.
He's not even a person!"00:28:54
Oddly enough, this example
gave me the insight00:28:57
that girls treat guy looks very
differently to how we treat theirs.00:29:00
To us, it's more or less linear,
with spikes for fetishes.00:29:05
While girls sometimes
date total fuckfaces.00:29:08
And it's not because of money.
They actually like them!00:29:11
Took me a while
to figure that out.00:29:14
But recently I did. And even
came up with a name for it.00:29:17
I call it "cumberbatching."00:29:21
It's when you look like
fucking chewed silly putty...00:29:26
but if you happen to have
an interesting personality00:29:29
or just a little bit of talent,00:29:32
all of a sudden, girls go,00:29:34
"He's particular!"00:29:36
"Yeah. There's something about him."00:29:39
"I... Yeah, he's got...
interesting looks."00:29:45
Someone sucks Putin off, don't they?
Let's not fucking beat around...00:29:48
Someone does. Make some noise
if you think that Putin is handsome!00:29:51
(a few people clap, one's the loudest)00:29:53
(laughter)00:29:54
Hu-hmm...00:29:55
Liudmila, get over the divorce already!
Just fucking deal with it and move on.00:30:00
Heh! No...00:30:02
You probably clapped
to the wall calendar Putin.00:30:06
The photoshopped, young,
picked-his-own-pictures Putin.00:30:10
I mean the real Putin
from the live Q&As.00:30:14
The sad, tired grandpa
sitting there, thinking:00:30:16
"Lost grandma's note. The old fool!"00:30:20
I seriously doubt you're
in front of your TV, going,00:30:22
"I'd fucking sit right down
on that pretty face!00:30:25
"Right on your Botox-stuffed clock!"00:30:27
"I'll fucking annex your tongue
for a few hours!"00:30:31
"How do you like THAT reform?"00:30:33
"I'll have you tongue it for as long
as you've been in power."00:30:36
"You'll lick my cunt for 20 years.
Oh baby!"00:30:38
Mmm!00:30:40
(cheering, applause)00:30:43
Highly unlikely!00:30:46
'Cause sucking Puttin off,
they're sucking his essence.00:30:51
Why the fuck am I
telling these jokes?00:30:52
They'll see this. I'm fucked!00:30:54
I don't know.00:30:56
Ooh...00:30:59
I can't even do the Golunov route!00:31:02
Headline: "Poperechniy arrested
carrying drugs in backpack."00:31:06
Everyone's like:
"Hey! ...Yeah."00:31:07
(laughter, applause)00:31:10
"Like."00:31:13
Picture the arrest.00:31:14
They'll go, "What do we have here?
Aha! A ton of weed!"00:31:17
"Wait, we haven't even planted
anything yet. The fuck is going on?"00:31:20
"Is it his?"00:31:22
Imagine the protests in my support.00:31:25
A bunch of dudes with red eyes in front of the
Investigative Committee building going:00:31:28
"Man, can you, like, let him out and stuff, man? That would be sweet."00:31:32
"Don't be downers, man."00:31:35
"Want a gum?"00:31:37
You know? (laughs)00:31:39
(laughter, applause)00:31:41
I have a lawyer.00:31:43
An amazing fucking lawyer.00:31:44
Super trained and skilled.00:31:46
Recently, every time I come
to him to consult, I go,00:31:50
"Will I get in trouble for this?"00:31:51
He says, "Fuck if I know, bro."00:31:54
I go, "What do you mean?
Don't you have a degree and shit?"00:31:57
He's like: "This in Russia! I have no idea!"00:32:00
I'm like, "Maybe organize some
sort of formal review?00:32:02
He's like, "Yeah, okay,"
and pulls out a Tarot deck.00:32:04
"Let's fucking do this!
I can toss a coin too!"00:32:07
"I'm as useful as a coin here, dude."00:32:09
(cheering, applause)00:32:15
They do watch my shows!00:32:17
You know how I figured that out?00:32:19
'Cause...00:32:21
In the last show, I spent
a lot of time bewailing...00:32:24
"Bewailing?" What the fuck?00:32:26
I've frolicked with a dame00:32:28
in me pantaloons on the morn!00:32:30
I was pissed that they were arresting people
for posting historical pictures with swastikas.00:32:36
'Cause it's wrong.00:32:37
After my show, they passed a law00:32:39
allowing the demonstration of
the swastika for educational purposes.00:32:43
And another law that banned
criticizing the authorities.00:32:45
I was like: "Yep. They saw it."00:32:48
This made me think: "Fuck!"00:32:50
"They banned slamming the government.
How am I supposed to do stand-up now?"00:32:54
But then I was like,
"Hey, I don't need to slam them!"00:32:57
"I can praise them!"00:32:59
They're good! Seriously.
They're so creative!00:33:02
That was a fucking masterpiece of a PR move
with the nuke that went off near Severodvinsk!00:33:08
While the whole country's
watching HBO's Chernobyl...00:33:13
where the whole fucking
point of the show...00:33:16
(cheering, applause)00:33:18
...is that the Soviet government is trying to hide
the radiological consequences of a nuclear accident,00:33:22
all of our media are shouting:
"We never did and would never do this!"00:33:26
"The blast near Severodvinsk?
Kids with firecrackers or some shit."00:33:29
I mean come on! That's...00:33:31
That's even clever in a sense.
I'm not kidding.00:33:34
When the Severodvinsk
doctors caused an uproar,00:33:37
"Why the fuck are our
patients going bald?!"00:33:40
You know what our government said?00:33:42
"Crab poisoning."00:33:44
I'm not shitting you. Google it.
It's such a joke!00:33:46
"This fucking teriyaki sauce...
Toxic stuff."00:33:52
I actually warned you about this,00:33:53
that we'll have a rocket explode.00:33:55
Half of the last show was me hopping around
like a fucking jester, "We'll blow up ourselves!"00:34:01
Some launch operator was
watching the video and went:00:34:04
"Hahaha!.. Whoops! Fuck! Oops!"00:34:06
"Ooh..."00:34:11
I'm not saying I'm some brilliant prophet.00:34:16
Shit's just so predictable,
it's not even funny.00:34:20
The government does
have a sense of humor.00:34:22
Dark and twisted,
but it's there.00:34:25
Think about it. They did discuss
this at some point in the Kremlin:00:34:28
"Hey! What about we put the guy in jail
for throwing a paper cup at the guardsman?"00:34:35
"Are you fucking nuts?"00:34:37
"They'll lynch us all here."00:34:40
"Hahaha! Watch this!"00:34:46
(applause)00:34:51
The government's smart.00:34:53
All the Moscow Case
prison terms?00:34:56
They should keep sentencing
normal people for ridiculous shit.00:35:01
'Cause at this rate, soon enough,
prison will be cooler than the outside.00:35:06
On the outside, you've got deputies, mobsters,
and murderers that the state bailed out.00:35:11
In prison? Actors, journalists, bloggers.00:35:14
All the people that share your social
stance. You're like, "Hey!"00:35:18
That's a nice, comfy environment.00:35:22
(cheering, applause)00:35:26
Dude that gets up to raise the Russian flag.
It's like you're spamming patriotism.00:35:30
[*Often mocked nationalist mantra.]
You jump up to go:
"And by the way! Spiritual tenets*!"00:35:36
I doubt they'll put me in jail though.00:35:38
You know? 'Cause I basically,
if you cut the nonsense,00:35:42
I represent the views
of the government.00:35:44
Sure, not everyone's,00:35:46
but of lots of people in power,00:35:48
who share the views I push,00:35:50
but which they can't voice
given the circumstances.00:35:53
For example, I'm for legalizing pot.00:35:55
I believe that 21-year-olds can decide
what they wanna get high on themselves.00:36:01
We don't need your control.
We can handle it.00:36:03
(cheering, applause)00:36:06
Lots of deputies would speak
in favor of legalizing pot,00:36:08
but they can't speak up.00:36:11
Mostly because their jaws are locked
from deputy cocaine, but still!00:36:17
I'm for legalizing prostitution.00:36:19
Not because I think that
we need more prostitutes,00:36:21
but because I believe that prostitutes
should be protected by the law.00:36:24
Deputies love prostitutes, yes.00:36:26
(applause)00:36:27
I do too.00:36:31
I'm for the rights
of all the gays.00:36:32
Even those that rule this country
but have to hide their true feelings.00:36:38
(applause)00:36:41
You're sitting there going:
"Who the fuck does he mean?"00:36:43
"Careful there, Dania!"00:36:44
Let's be honest here. How long..?00:36:47
How long are we
going to hide the..?00:36:48
Okay, how many more times does
Zhirinovskiy need to mess up00:36:52
that we'd finally go: "Alright. He's gay."00:36:54
"Let's just accept it."00:36:57
I'm not even talking about the old vid
where he's in a bathhouse with his boys,00:36:59
going: "We'll fuck 'em all!
We'll fuck every last one of 'em."00:37:02
I'm not even talking about the photo00:37:03
of him butt-naked on a air mattress
like a fucking Greek priestess00:37:08
with boys lifting him
towards the sun.00:37:13
Google this when you come home.
There's a video on YouTube00:37:16
where Zhirinovskiy,00:37:17
uh,00:37:18
during some radio show
or something...00:37:21
There were two female hosts.00:37:22
I believe it was Echo of Moscow.00:37:24
Zhirinovskiy called the show,
and the conversation made a sudden turn,00:37:28
when Zhirinovskiy said,00:37:30
"For example, in the past, a boy
jerked me off in a back alley."00:37:36
And the lady host is like:00:37:38
"Wh- what?"00:37:39
"Excuse me?"00:37:40
"Mr. Zhirinovskiy... what?"00:37:43
"A boy... jerked me off
behind some garages."00:37:46
"But it's not gay. We were
just fooling around."00:37:50
And you can tell there's a screaming,
silent question in the host's expression:00:37:55
"Should I ask if he, too, was a boy
during this encounter?"00:38:00
"Or do I steer clear of this whole
fucking can of worms?"00:38:05
(cheering, applause)00:38:08
See? Our government is against
"gay propaganda,"00:38:11
while Zhirinovskiy's in the Kremlin
all day every day.00:38:13
Walks around, going:00:38:15
"Mr. Putin, you dropped
your pen there."00:38:21
"A little lower there. Ooh!"00:38:24
(chuckles)00:38:26
So I'm a pro-government comedian.00:38:28
There are articles out there00:38:31
saying the Kremlin bought me.00:38:33
Imagine that.00:38:34
I'll be honest: that's not the case.00:38:38
You saw nothing.00:38:41
No, if this happens, I'll find
a way to let you know.00:38:44
I promise to you though:00:38:46
I'll do everything in my power
to keep away from Kremlin money00:38:49
to stay true to myself.00:38:51
But!00:38:53
You have to understand
that if shit gets serious,00:38:57
I won't be a fucking hero
for your sake.00:39:00
If they take me to Kremlin cellars,00:39:03
tie me to a chair, take the bag
off my head and say:00:39:05
"You gonna cooperate?"
I'll go, "Fucking never!"00:39:07
They'll go, "Oh yeah?"00:39:08
"Then we'll release all your conversations
with chicks on VK since your registration."00:39:12
I'll be like,
"When do I start, major, sir?"00:39:15
'Cause I don't need that shit.00:39:19
I registered on VK back in 2008.00:39:23
All of my puberty is in there.00:39:26
You guys ever re-read your
earliest hits on chicks?00:39:29
It's a fucking disaster.
It's real nightmare fuel.00:39:33
It's like you're...00:39:34
(cheering, applause)00:39:38
It's like you're watching
a newborn fawn00:39:41
trying to do its first steps
and failing miserably.00:39:45
"Hey, beautiful!"00:39:47
"You hurt?"
She's like, "What?"00:39:50
"'Cause you fell from heaven."00:39:51
Hush now! Hush!
It's okay, it's okay.00:39:56
(whispers) Hush.00:39:57
(whispers) Sleep.00:39:58
*thud*00:40:00
This stupid shit.
And another one where...00:40:04
You'll probably get it, Petersburg.00:40:06
Who scored pot through VK
in the past?00:40:09
That was just...
Discreteness level: God.00:40:14
"Hey, bro. Got shit... to read?"00:40:18
"Eh?"00:40:19
They'll never crack this code!00:40:22
(cheering, applause)00:40:24
They think you're a librarian, bro.
Relax your tiddies.00:40:27
"So how many grams
of this book you've got?"00:40:30
I think they didn't arrest us
because the police went:00:40:33
"Dude, he's mentally retarded.
Forget about him!"00:40:36
"They're gonna go sniff glue in some back alley,
glue their nostrils shut and die."00:40:40
"Forget about 'em.
Don't mess with this shit."00:40:47
But I grew up and don't
do this anymore.00:40:51
I'm now a law-abiding citizen.00:40:53
I pay my taxes.00:40:56
Last year, I paid my taxes
properly for the first time.00:41:00
'Cause I used to think
I was paying my taxes.00:41:03
Turned out,
I had to pay much more.00:41:06
So last year, I paid
a seven-digit number.00:41:10
And broke into tears.00:41:12
Not because I'm a stingy faggot,00:41:13
but because right after
I'd paid my taxes,00:41:16
I turned on the news and saw our
breakthrough invention, Alyosha the Robot.00:41:21
Remember how they dressed
some asshole in a plastic suit?00:41:23
He went (in robot voice),
"I love math."00:41:25
I went: "Oh God!"00:41:27
"This is where my money's going?
You motherfuckers!"00:41:31
I was so hoping they'd echo
the Boston Dynamics videos00:41:34
where they shove him with a stick,
and kick and push him around.00:41:37
"What the fuck, guys?!
This is me, Vitia in a suit!"00:41:39
"We know! This is for the sponsors!"00:41:44
I began to figure out where my
taxes went, and it's fucked up!00:41:48
Utilities in Petersburg fucking
charge an arm and a leg for...00:41:53
anticipating a warm spell
in winter? What the fuck?00:41:58
(cheering, applause)00:42:03
Guys!00:42:04
End of the fucking line:
jokes about utilities.00:42:07
We're on fucking highway to hell.00:42:10
[*Long-running live and TV competitive comedy show]
[mostly popular among the older generation.]
You won't even notice as this whole
thing becomes a KVN* replica.00:42:16
YOU will be the fat old people00:42:19
that clap in those close-ups
with their flapping arms.00:42:23
I'll walk out on stage going...
(sings an "old people tune")00:42:26
"Mother-in-law's a bitch!"
And you'll go: "Dania's still got it! So true!"00:42:31
Fuck!00:42:32
(cheering, applause)00:42:38
So.00:42:40
(cheering, applause)00:42:44
How can you not? I mean...00:42:46
I'm in. I pay the...00:42:48
I pay for utilities.00:42:50
I know where you take the receipts.00:42:52
I found out I had
house management!00:42:54
You know how I met the old lady
from house management?00:42:56
Doorbell rings at 9AM.00:42:58
Still drowsy, nothing but underwear on,
I open the door,00:43:01
and this old woman goes,
"I need to see your hose right now!"00:43:04
I'm like, "Hold it!"00:43:06
(laughter, applause)00:43:08
"Not so fast!"00:43:09
(cheering, applause)00:43:14
"How soon do you need to..?"00:43:16
"Soon!"
"How soon?"00:43:18
You just missed it —
there was a hose to see.00:43:20
I was in a bad mood the other day.00:43:23
I bought a screw gun,
and it got better!00:43:26
Fuck me! I'm becoming
that old guy.00:43:28
(cheering, applause)00:43:29
Like...00:43:31
For real. I was having a shitty day.00:43:33
I went to a hardware store.00:43:35
As soon as it went *whirrr!*, I got a huge
smile on my face and went, "Ho!"00:43:39
I was fucking elated
when I got home!00:43:42
My girlfriend went,
"Why did you get a screw gun?"00:43:45
I was like, "Duh!"
To me, this purchase was so obvious!00:43:49
But when I looked inside my head
for an explanation, I only found one word:00:43:52
"Swell!"00:43:54
(laughter)00:43:55
I went: "That's it. End of the line.
Fuckin' 'swell'".00:43:58
(cheering, applause)00:44:01
Like, I've devolved
to caveman levels.00:44:05
(sounds of screw gun and excitement)00:44:07
"Thing! Good!"00:44:12
Worst part is... I'm not saying
I'm getting old.00:44:15
I'm simply not a youngster
anymore.00:44:18
The fact that I just said "youngster"
is super fucking telling!00:44:23
It's scary to think that you're still a young
person and then find out that you're not.00:44:26
It's a real kick in the balls,
'cause...00:44:28
I recently went to a club,00:44:30
and some couple recognized me.00:44:31
They came up to me for a selfie,
and then the guy went:00:44:35
"Hey, can I ask you
a personal question?"00:44:38
I'm like, "Yeah, go ahead."00:44:40
"What are you doing in this club?"00:44:45
I'm like: "Uh... Drinking and
kicking back. Why?"00:44:50
"I mean, this is mostly
a young people place."00:44:52
(laughter, applause)00:44:55
I went: "Excuse me?
I'll have you know I'm only 25."00:44:59
He went...00:45:02
I thought: what the fuck?!00:45:04
You're holding a drink,
so you're at least 18.00:45:06
So to you, a 7-year age gap
means we're so different00:45:09
that we can't even hang out
in the same place?00:45:11
I wanted to turn it into a joke and went:
"Don't be stupid! Dab! Let me see your spinner."00:45:15
He recoiled from me
like I was a leper!00:45:17
He didn't get the irony.
Went: "Ooh! Yikes!"00:45:20
I thought: "So this is how we'll turn
into our dads!"00:45:23
We'll walk around going:
"Lol! Kek!"00:45:25
They'll point fingers and throw
rocks at us, going:00:45:28
"They're gonners! Make fun of 'em!"00:45:31
(female shouts)00:45:32
Okay, boomer.00:45:33
(applause)00:45:35
I'm not actually a boomer.00:45:36
I think I'm a millennial.00:45:38
I'm not very good with this whole
metric system of little shits.00:45:42
But I believe I'm a millennial.
I think.00:45:45
That's something a boomer
would say, huh?00:45:48
(in "grandpa voice")
"Fuck off! I'm still young!"00:45:51
"Where's my hoverboard? Yo!"00:45:53
[*Hip-hop artist, had their heyday in early 2010s.]
Noize MC* is popular these days, right?00:45:55
(Danila and the audience laugh)00:45:57
Shit.00:45:58
(cheering, applause)00:46:03
Even my nightmares changed.00:46:05
As a kid, I had nightmares
about monsters.00:46:07
Then, about doing my mother.00:46:09
Now, it's even worse.00:46:11
You know what my nightmares
are like these days?00:46:13
I once screwed up before
my friends in a dream00:46:16
and spent the whole dream
explaining myself.00:46:18
Fuck my life!00:46:20
You wake up exhausted00:46:23
like a motherfucker!00:46:25
I'd rather they ass-fucked me
with a chainsaw in that dream!00:46:28
Than this: "You said one thing and
did another. What's up with that?"00:46:32
You're like, "Ugh!"00:46:33
(applause)00:46:37
Remember that phase when all your friends
uploaded their aged pictures on Instagram?00:46:44
I got depressed for a time00:46:47
from seeing how old
my friends were.00:46:50
But then I realized their pictures
were unedited00:46:52
and went, "Holy shit!"00:46:54
'Cause I hang out with
40-year-olds that go,00:46:56
"Yeah, we're still cool!"00:47:00
[*Actor and musician.]
Muzichenko* pulled this shit
the other day.00:47:02
We were drinking in some bar.00:47:04
With friends.00:47:06
Yura went:00:47:07
"Hey, guys."00:47:09
"How about a fishing trip?"00:47:11
(laughter)00:47:12
We were like, "Hey!"00:47:14
(cheering, applause)00:47:17
"You better cut that shit, Yura!"00:47:20
He went: "No! Not like our folks!"00:47:22
"We'll grab some booze,00:47:25
"a boat,00:47:26
"bbq..."00:47:27
We were like:
"Hey, that does sound good!"00:47:30
But then went: "No! Close your ears!
Don't look at him!"00:47:33
"That's Death talking
through Yura's head."00:47:36
"The sweet siren song."00:47:40
You don't wanna get old,
'cause...00:47:43
old people die.00:47:46
Life lessons with Dania.00:47:49
I had to deal with funeral business
for the first time recently.00:47:55
I told you how my grandpa died,
but I didn't tell you how I buried him.00:47:59
When you have to deal with a funeral office,
start to finish, for the first time here in Russia,00:48:04
you may lose your fucking mind,
'cause,00:48:06
I mean,00:48:07
you realize how out of sync
technology00:48:09
and everyday life are
in our society.00:48:14
My grandpa died in the living room.00:48:16
Legally, we had to call in
the district police officer.00:48:20
We did. He arrived.00:48:22
His job was to take grandpa
to the morgue for examination00:48:25
to confirm that we didn't kill him00:48:29
and he died of natural causes.00:48:31
But grandpa looked so bad and we so didn't wanna
have the body of our loved one dragged around,00:48:37
that I came up to him and said:
"Major, sir. Do you really suspect foul play?"00:48:41
"You can tell he died himself,
can't you?"00:48:44
He looked at me and went:00:48:47
"Alright. Here's the release."00:48:50
(whispers) Does that mean...
I could murder someone..?00:48:53
In theory!
...and be convincing?00:48:57
"Major, you think I could stab him
with such precision?"00:49:01
"You're fucking crazy!
My eyes don't align."00:49:03
"Come on, I could never aim so well!"00:49:06
"I couldn't!"00:49:07
(applause)00:49:10
As soon as the officer left,00:49:14
the funeral home people appeared,00:49:17
immediately, like a couple of vultures,00:49:19
and started preparing
grandpa's body for burial.00:49:21
Credit where credit's due,00:49:23
they knew their stuff00:49:25
and did everything super quick so as to
not make it any longer than it had to be.00:49:28
But due to job conditioning00:49:31
and because they probably deal
with dead bodies every day,00:49:36
at one point,
they got so carried away00:49:39
that from the outside, it looked like they
were playing hacky sack with my grandpa.00:49:44
Hacky sack is a game from our youth,
you fucking toddlers!00:49:47
(cheering, applause)00:49:48
It's a...00:49:49
(cheering, applause)00:49:50
little baggie filled with dry peas
that we used to kick around00:49:54
when there was no internet.00:49:55
And there wasn't for a couple
thousand years!00:50:02
So, uh...00:50:03
They prepared the body.
Put a suit on it.00:50:07
They sat the coffin in the living room
on a couple of fucking kitchen stools!00:50:11
Like this. In front of the TV.
Put grandpa in it.00:50:14
They put him right
in front of the PlayStation.00:50:18
I was like, "Did they fucking
HAVE TO put him there?"00:50:20
'Cause the PlayStation was the only thing
distracting me from this whole mess.00:50:24
I'll be honest, I walked past
a couple of times and thought:00:50:27
"Shit, do I just go for it?
Who cares at this point?"00:50:29
"Nah. How would I play Last of Us
and shoot zombies with him next to me?"00:50:33
"Way to fucking ruin the fun,
gramps!"00:50:37
According to Orthodox tradition, grandpa
had to stay in the apartment for a bit,00:50:41
while some old women from church
prayed for his sins.00:50:44
The women came and did.00:50:46
After that, we couldn't touch grandpa.00:50:48
We were to pick up the coffin
and go bury him.00:50:50
But then an issue came up that
I would've never expected.00:50:57
The carriers came up to me00:50:59
and said:00:51:00
"So, uh, the van's here. We're pretty
much ready to go to the cemetery."00:51:07
"But there's this little thing..."00:51:12
"To get the coffin into the apartment,00:51:14
"we had to turn it sideways."00:51:19
I'm like, "Okay?"00:51:22
"And?"
He went, "The old man will fall out."00:51:24
I'm like: "No, I get it. I have the fucking
smarts to get that part."00:51:27
"What do you suggest?"00:51:28
He says, "Well, we could close the lid
and turn him like that."00:51:31
I'm like: "Sure! Give him the fucking
washing machine treatment!"00:51:34
"No. Give me ten minutes.
I'll come up with something."00:51:37
I spent two...00:51:38
years in engineering school, and
for ten minutes, I tried milking them00:51:41
for a way to get my grandpa
down from the seventh floor00:51:45
without getting him
out of the coffin.00:51:48
I was this close to hiring a crane.00:51:52
In my sick plan,00:51:54
the crane would get near our window,00:51:58
grab the coffin00:52:00
and carefully lower it like it's
a giant claw machine.00:52:06
Like in a fucking David Copperfield
magic trick.00:52:08
You know? It would go...
*woooh!*00:52:10
I thought: "Jesus! What if
some cable comes loose00:52:14
"and grandpa falls out?!"00:52:16
Imagine, some guy's smoking
on the balcony. Like...00:52:19
(laughter, applause)00:52:22
"Aah!"00:52:23
"AAAH!"00:52:25
And I go: "It's fine!
He was already dead!"00:52:27
(laughter, applause)00:52:28
"He died before the fall. It's fine."00:52:31
(laughter, applause)00:52:36
I ended up saying: "You know what?
Let's go the easiest route."00:52:40
"I'll get my mom and grandma
into a room00:52:43
"and distract 'em."00:52:44
"You get the coffin out first,
then grandpa."00:52:47
They went, "Okay."00:52:48
They got the coffin out.
Grandpa was lying on some sheet.00:52:51
They picked it up on two ends
like he's in a hammock.00:52:54
He's lying there.00:52:56
I thought00:52:58
they'd use the stairs
to get grandpa down.00:53:02
(laughter)00:53:08
But the dudes decided
to use the elevator.00:53:11
You know? Where it's crowded
with two fucking people.00:53:15
They stood around in the hallway,
scratched their heads and went: "Heh!"00:53:19
And took a step towards each other,
folding grandpa in two like a book.00:53:25
"Get inside! Careful, careful! Good!"00:53:27
Feet are here, head's here.00:53:31
I went: "Guys, are you fucking..?"00:53:34
And the doors closed.00:53:35
(laughter, applause)00:53:40
This image is seared so deep
into my memory00:53:44
that I'll never buy another
flip phone in my life!00:53:48
Like, that's it!00:53:50
To me, V is not for Vendetta.00:53:54
To me, V is for Valeriy
in the Elevator.00:53:56
(laughter, applause)00:53:59
Can you imagine? My final, most vivid
memory of my wonderful grandpa00:54:04
is him in the elevator, ironically mocking
the "DOWN" button with his own body.00:54:09
"Where ya goin', grampa?"
"That way."00:54:12
"To heaven?"
"Nah."00:54:15
"That-a-way."00:54:17
I later read the elevator instructions —00:54:20
not a fucking word on the matter.00:54:22
Doesn't say "corpse-bending before
transportation not advised..."00:54:27
"...without supervision..." (laughs)
"...of someone over 18."00:54:32
Our phones are
lightning fast though.00:54:35
Nice segue, huh?00:54:37
Bent grandpa. By the way,
what's the deal with smartphones?00:54:40
(chuckles)00:54:41
No, it's just funny that
technology races forward,00:54:44
but getting a body downstairs
requires folding it in half.00:54:49
Smartphones are now such
a critical part of our lives that...00:54:53
A girl's phone is her shit-stirring
friend, you know?00:54:57
'Cause the phone analyzes
everything you type00:55:01
and offers suggestions.00:55:02
The other day, I saw my girlfriend
type in: "You're acting like..."00:55:05
And the phone's suggestions were:00:55:07
"...like you always do" "...like an asshole" "...like your father."00:55:08
I was like: "The fuck are you
inciting her for?!"00:55:10
"Whose side are you on anyway?"00:55:12
(applause)00:55:14
"I got you for her, and now you help
her hurt me? Not cool, bro!"00:55:18
It's completely different
for dudes.00:55:20
Our phone is our stupid friend.00:55:22
You type: "Gary." It says: "Gay."
"Call him gay. It's gonna be hilarious!"00:55:29
Sunday night, you're wasted
in some bar.00:55:31
Message: "Will you have it done
by 9 AM tomorrow?"00:55:34
You type...
(indistinguishable sounds)00:55:37
T9 goes: "Of course. You can count on it."
(sound of sent message)00:55:41
Wake up in the morning00:55:42
to find a picture of one of your balls
as an unsent message.00:55:46
You're like: "WOOOAH! Delete!"00:55:48
"O-fucking-kay?!"00:55:50
"Some night last night!"00:55:52
Classroom teach would not have appreciated
this kind of greeting card from the past.00:56:00
Things are changing really fast.00:56:02
Even relationships with people.00:56:05
You fellas ever met that
one guy who brags00:56:09
that he loves and cares for his girlfriend
so much more than you do?00:56:12
I recently met a guy that said,00:56:15
"I believe that we don't need
an International Women's Day."00:56:18
I'm like: "Go on.
You've piqued my interest."00:56:21
He goes:00:56:22
"Well, I don't need a special day..."00:56:25
(laughter, applause)00:56:28
(in an annoying voice)
"...to make my girlfriend smile."00:56:31
I'm like: "Dude, I think you're ass
is bleeding fucking syrup."00:56:34
"Can you wipe it?"00:56:35
What do you mean you
don't need a special day?00:56:37
So according to you...00:56:39
You go: "Here's a random present!
Here's another random present!"00:56:42
So you regularly give her
awesome shit.00:56:45
Okay, I can understand that.00:56:46
But what do you do
on special days?00:56:48
Like on an anniversary,
do you give her a house?00:56:50
It's like when you and your friend get
each other shit for your birthdays,00:56:55
and then on one of your birthdays,
he gets you something expensive,00:56:58
like a PlayStation.00:56:59
You go: "Why the fuck would you raise the ante?
Now, I have to get you something expensive too!"00:57:02
(cheering, applause)00:57:03
We used to get each other...00:57:05
(cheering, applause)00:57:07
toilet paper, socks —
where did THIS come from?00:57:11
"I don't need a special day."00:57:13
There's actually FIVE special days.
And I think that's too many.00:57:17
It's Valentine's, March 8, her birthday,00:57:20
New Year and your anniversary.00:57:22
By the way, girls, anniversary
used to be a special day for two.00:57:24
But you managed to fucking steal it.
"No, it's ours now!"00:57:27
"I get the presents!"00:57:31
"Happy anniversary, sweetheart."00:57:32
She goes, "Thank you!"
And you're like...00:57:34
(laughter, applause)00:57:37
Spank you. Fuck!
What about me?00:57:39
Huh?00:57:41
I'm an anniversary boy too. Why..?00:57:44
"My gift to you is years of my life."00:57:46
Fuck you. No.
It don't work like that!00:57:49
"So your gift is you fucking with
my head for five years?"00:57:52
"You're welcome!"00:57:55
Relationship is like a car00:57:57
that runs on love,
attention and MONEY!00:58:01
And sometimes,
this car is a real guzzler.00:58:03
Some of you, girls, are sitting there thinking:
"He's wrong. It's not exactly true."00:58:07
Guys, as an experiment, try and give your
girlfriend for your anniversary something like00:58:12
a necklace that you made
yourselves.00:58:15
"I made this."00:58:18
"Spent the entire day
kneading bread balls."00:58:22
She'll go...00:58:23
(cheering, applause)00:58:26
Like... (cheering, applause)00:58:27
"In case it's unclear,
it's both for wearing...00:58:31
"and if you get hungry,
you can go, nom, you know?"00:58:35
"Eh? Nyeh! Love ya."00:58:37
Whom would that impress?
Unless you're dating a fucking pigeon.00:58:43
"Listening is the best gift."00:58:45
That's such bullshit!00:58:47
There's listening in any
relationship, okay?00:58:50
And because it always exists,
it loses its value.00:58:54
I think it was the KGB that started this
whole "listening is the best gift" thing.00:58:59
You try and appeal against your sentence,
and they go: "No returnsies!"00:59:04
Since we're on the subject
of the KGB...00:59:09
Can I get a round of applause from
people who don't believe in God?00:59:13
(lots of people applaud)00:59:17
Whose show are you
watching then, huh?00:59:20
No, sorry. I understand.00:59:23
First, you probably don't
believe because00:59:26
because there's not a single
fucking bit of proof.00:59:29
But second, because of the classic:00:59:31
if there was a God,
he wouldn't be this cruel.00:59:34
But!00:59:35
Get high some time
and boot up The Sims!00:59:40
It all starts to make sense!00:59:43
Perfect sense.00:59:44
What's more,00:59:45
I think if there is a God,
he definitely hates gays.00:59:50
Not because he made gay people
and turned everyone against them,00:59:54
but because God00:59:56
shoved the main male G-spot01:00:00
real deep up our ass.01:00:02
He, like, hid it in there.01:00:04
He was like: "Hmm, where do I put
the guys' main pleasure point?"01:00:09
"Behind a layer of shit
and undigested corn!"01:00:11
"Right fucking up there!"01:00:15
When Adam and Eve went: "Hey, uh, God?
We mean no disrespect here."01:00:19
"But how is this different
from anal with a girl?" —01:00:22
God went: "Know what? You're right."01:00:26
"Let's make dude assholes hairier!"01:00:31
This is... a really... subtle moment.01:00:35
Guys!01:00:36
Uhm...01:00:37
(female laughter)01:00:38
(audience laughs)01:00:41
I mean, we... Let's be honest!01:00:44
We don't know each other here.01:00:46
We won't remember each other.01:00:48
We don't give a shit
about each other.01:00:50
Let's be honest.01:00:51
Can I get a round of applause01:00:54
from guys who...
(a few people start clapping)01:00:56
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Let me finish at least!01:00:58
[*2014 film about physically and mentally]
[disabled, disturbed students.]
Are you all from Corrections Class*?01:01:00
"Raise your hands... No, Fedia,
put your hand down!"01:01:03
"We'll do it properly.
One the count of three."01:01:08
This is a delicate matter.01:01:12
Can I get a round of applause from guys
who regularly shave their asshole?..01:01:16
Hold on! I haven't finished yet!01:01:19
Hold the butt-clenching!
"Ugh, gay!"01:01:22
...'cause they're tired of wiping their ass
after shitting for 40 minutes?01:01:26
(lots of applause)01:01:27
Okay...01:01:28
(lots of applause)01:01:31
What about the rest of you?
Are you fucking..?01:01:33
You sitting there with shitty asses?
"Ugh, that's gay!"01:01:37
Shaving your ass is gay.
Sitting on a shitty ass isn't.01:01:41
Putting skid marks on clean
underwear isn't gay.01:01:44
Fucking right down the middle!01:01:47
Seriously?01:01:48
You like that?01:01:49
Or do you wait until the shit hardens and just
break it off like a fucking stalactite?01:01:52
Throw it... in the trash bin?01:01:57
"Shaving your ass is too gay!"01:01:59
Real men wait until their ass hair gets tangled
and shit through a fucking mesh.01:02:04
That's what real men do!01:02:06
That's...01:02:08
masculinity!01:02:10
Fuck me.01:02:14
Ever seen a brown towel
at a guy's place?01:02:18
Those guys gave up.01:02:20
They just gave up.01:02:21
'Cause were idiots. We use
one towel to dry everything.01:02:25
We tried a white towel once
in the past.01:02:29
Like, you washed yourself
properly in the tub,01:02:31
you dry yourself and still leave a skid,
and you're like, "What the fuck!"01:02:35
We unfold this towel every time, like,01:02:37
"Right, where's the skid,
so I don't wipe my face with it?"01:02:42
Because everyone goes: "Ugh, yuck, no, shaving your ass is gay!" —01:02:48
you can't even ask for advice!01:02:50
When a guy shaves his asshole
for the first time ever,01:02:53
that's fucking chainsaw
juggling right there!01:02:56
'Cause you've got no experience
and can't see shit back there!01:03:02
You're holding a razor.01:03:05
It's a blade.01:03:06
It's a weapon, you know?01:03:10
Your hands are shaking, 'cause any second,
you could give yourself a new asshole.01:03:14
Slice off a fucking calamari ring.01:03:16
Like...01:03:18
Geometrically, this is a straight up
unsolvable problem!01:03:23
'Cause you need to use a rectangle
to shave a circle inside a fold!01:03:26
You're like: "I don't understand!
Where do you even start?!"01:03:30
I even miss shit up here sometimes
because of the angled surface.01:03:33
Down there, it's a whole fucking
geometric nightmare!01:03:36
Like a Salvador Dalí picture:
circles, flowing, twisted clocks...01:03:40
It's a fucking mess!01:03:45
Worst part is, I've been
doing this for years,01:03:48
more or less got the hang of it,01:03:49
and it still never gets any easier!01:03:52
Every time I'm shaving
my asshole with a trimmer,01:03:57
it's like I'm begging to be banned,01:04:00
'cause I look like a fucking swastika.
I...01:04:03
...promote...01:04:05
(intense cheering and applause)01:04:16
A girl in some town said,
"Try hair removal cream!"01:04:22
Here's the fucking thing, ladies...01:04:24
(audience laughs)01:04:25
Something to consider.01:04:29
This stuff, girls,
(giggles)01:04:32
might handle your01:04:36
cutesy little hairs,01:04:38
but against our fucking vines...01:04:41
For real.01:04:42
The cream said: "Apply for 15 minutes."01:04:45
I waited for half an hour
with this shit on my ass.01:04:48
My asshole looked like it was
exposed to X-rays.01:04:52
While the hair only got stronger!
It was like: "We're under attack!"01:04:56
(laughter, applause)01:04:57
It's like a virus.01:04:59
It adapted.01:05:00
(laughter, applause)01:05:02
Shit, what's more...01:05:03
I have a trimmer that use to shave
my beard, and head, and my asshole.01:05:06
Yeah, guys are idiots.
We use one thing for everything.01:05:09
Washed is like it's brand new.01:05:12
When I shave my head with it,01:05:14
it goes...01:05:15
(steady buzzing sound)01:05:17
But when I lower it
to my backside...01:05:19
(buzzing gets interruptions and stops)01:05:23
(rare spurts of buzzing)01:05:28
I bring it up, thinking it's
jammed with hair.01:05:30
Instead, there's a note: "Piss off."
You go: "Woah! Okay. I got the message."01:05:33
"I'm not messing with that."01:05:35
(cheering, applause)01:05:36
I'm staying away.01:05:38
(cheering, applause)01:05:43
Slightly dumber suggestion
than hair removal cream01:05:46
is the fucking wax ripping thing.01:05:48
That just sounds to me like a good way
to rip your asshole right outta there.01:05:53
I'll just rip my guts out
like a New Year's streamer.01:05:56
Like...01:05:57
Like that tape they shoot
at New Year's parties.01:06:02
I'll stand there with
a hairy ring in my hand.01:06:05
On a piece of paper.01:06:06
(chuckles)01:06:07
They're staying. It's their home.01:06:11
Who am I crying to?
Half of you were born in 2001.01:06:15
You probably don't even...01:06:16
You're like: "Shave what?"
(laughs)01:06:19
You probably walk around sound like...
(makes rhythmic slick sounds)01:06:22
You walk so carefree.01:06:26
It wasn't clapping just now —
just someone sitting up and down.01:06:30
(chuckles)01:06:34
(male voice) Try laser!01:06:35
"Try laser."01:06:37
Bro...01:06:39
I feel01:06:40
it has to be some sort of
Death Star laser.01:06:43
You gotta shoot that shit from
orbit to achieve ANYTHING.01:06:48
Even then, I think they'll go, "Spread out!"
The hole will open,01:06:51
and it'll shoot dead center
without touching any of the...01:06:54
(applause)01:06:57
Wait, who shouted, "Try laser"?01:06:59
Can you get up?01:07:01
No, really, please, stand up.01:07:02
Can you turn around?01:07:04
Turn around. Seriously, turn around.
I swear I won't...01:07:06
Seriously. Turn around for a sec.
We'll try something out.01:07:09
Turn your ass to me.01:07:11
Sorry, just a sec.01:07:13
(laughter, cheering, applause)01:07:14
Like a fucking charm, huh?01:07:16
(laughter, cheering, applause)01:07:19
Shit, I swear...01:07:21
This is not staged.01:07:25
I have a clicker in my pants.01:07:28
(snickers)01:07:31
Fuck.01:07:33
Inspector Gadget.
Locked and loaded.01:07:35
(laughs)01:07:37
Random prop comedy.01:07:42
(sighs)01:07:44
Anyway.01:07:45
Who graduated from
high school this year?01:07:48
Make some noise.
(several dozen people clap)01:07:50
Congratulations.01:07:52
[*Popular summer public event during]
[Petersburg's white nights.]
I hate the Scarlet Sails*,01:07:55
'cause it's the day when shitty showing off
in Petersburg is off the charts.01:08:00
Because...01:08:01
(applause)01:08:05
After eleven years,01:08:07
little shitheads are bubbling
with hormones,01:08:10
they're obsessed with sex.01:08:12
They're like: "It's graduation!
I need to fuck! It's now or never!"01:08:15
They bring these junkies
by the busful01:08:18
from all over the country,
unload them, and they go...01:08:21
You seen them?
Their knees don't bend!01:08:23
They walk like this:
"Fuck! Motherfucker!"01:08:26
"Mrs. Teacher, is the after-party soon?"01:08:32
For real. I went out to buy bread.01:08:34
A shitty low-clearance car flew past me
with some school kid sticking out,01:08:38
with hair shining with product,
sunglasses and a raised collar.01:08:41
Our eyes met. He was like:
"I'm on my way to fuck."01:08:44
He was all cocked and locked.01:08:45
He armed himself with
everything he had.01:08:50
Seriously. Scarlet Sails is the day when air
in Saint Petersburg smells like the Axe Effect.01:08:53
'Cause everyone's like...
(does spraying sound)01:08:58
Awful!01:09:01
Being dumb is scary.01:09:03
I was like these fuckheads
myself once.01:09:06
My greatest fear these days is,01:09:10
I'm like, "What if I'm dumb...01:09:12
"but I can't tell...
because I'm dumb?"01:09:16
(laughter, cheering, applause)01:09:20
And because I've surrounded myself
with fucking morons for friends.01:09:24
And we, like, don't stand out.01:09:27
[*Record label and music production company.]
We're like Black Star*.01:09:30
Sort of...01:09:31
(cheering, applause)01:09:32
We're like...01:09:33
(cheering, applause)01:09:36
"It's cool."01:09:38
"They're the fuckheads, not us."01:09:41
One of us realizes that Black Star
is trash and leaves. We go:01:09:45
"Traitor. I'll sue you."01:09:49
I mean, on the one hand,01:09:50
I've pretty convincingly scientifically
explained afterlife for myself,01:09:54
on the other hand, I was
recently taking a bath,01:09:57
and my stomach made a sound01:09:59
that was super similar to
the notification sound on VK.
(makes the sound)01:10:02
And for ten seconds,
I was convinced01:10:05
that I got a message
on my stomach.01:10:07
Someone messaged me
on this thing right here.01:10:10
I actually lay there, like:
(makes stupid voice)
"But how do I..?"01:10:12
"How do I check it?"01:10:15
"Who's writing?"01:10:17
It's your gastritis.
Are you retarded?01:10:19
Seriously. Ten seconds like this.01:10:21
"Yeah. Must be some new update!"01:10:24
"Hello?"01:10:28
I don't believe in God
and the paranormal,01:10:30
but recently on tour, got spooked
by a bathrobe in a hotel room,01:10:34
'cause I thought it was a ghost.01:10:36
I woke up in the dark
and was like...01:10:43
"Aah!"01:10:44
"White silhouette!"01:10:46
"Oh, it's a bathrobe."01:10:48
"Or is it a ghost in a bathrobe?!
Aah!"01:10:51
Like, I don't believe in ghosts
until the moment I'm spooked.01:10:55
As soon as I'm scared, I'm like: "Science doesn't
know everything yet. Fuck knows!"01:11:01
My place is piled with books
I'll never read.01:11:05
I bought them, "Thank you very much!"
only to go, "Fuck off forever. See ya."01:11:09
(applause)01:11:10
At the same time,01:11:12
(applause)01:11:13
I always howl like crazy,
I always laugh,01:11:17
when one of my friends gets their
dick out and quickly puts it away.01:11:19
I'm like a fucking child!01:11:21
It's the pinnacle of comedy to me!01:11:23
I'm like: "Hahaha! Got me again,
you fucker!"01:11:27
That's scary shit.01:11:29
Tell you more,01:11:30
I recently won the Top 50 People Award
from Sobaka.ru magazine.01:11:37
Yeah, real fucking funny!01:11:39
For being a good boy
the entire year, go ahead.01:11:43
No, it's a cool fucking magazine.
Really. It's a great award.01:11:46
But here's the thing.
I came to the ceremony.01:11:49
Their editor-in-chief came out
to congratulate me,01:11:51
handed me the award and went:01:11:52
"Danila, congratulations. You're one
of the 50 people..." Blah-blah-blah.01:11:55
"This award was crafted
by children with autism."01:11:57
And I'm like...01:12:01
"Only mine was?"01:12:03
(laughter, cheering, applause)01:12:08
You should've seen her face.
She went:01:12:11
"Yeah, fucking... Only yours."01:12:14
"Did you forget, silly?"01:12:15
"You and your friends sat around
making it just yesterday."01:12:21
But sometimes,01:12:23
I do01:12:25
use my brains.01:12:27
I'll tell you a true story
that happened01:12:31
last year in Novosibirsk.01:12:32
[*Actor, vlogger.]
I came to visit Satyr*, and we and a bunch
of his friends went to their friends' bar.01:12:37
On our way there, we got
harassed by a couple of Uzbeks.01:12:39
I'm not being racist.01:12:41
They were walking and shouting:
(with accent) "Uzbekistan!"01:12:43
Detective Danila did his job there.01:12:47
First, they asked for a smoke.01:12:50
Then, for a lighter. We, like Prometheus,
gave them fire.01:12:53
They didn't appreciate the gesture.01:12:56
We got to Satyr's friends' place, sat at the bar,
and in about three minutes,01:13:00
these same two fellas walked into the bar,
sat down to our side01:13:04
and started harassing us
for no fucking reason.01:13:07
It started with something like:01:13:09
(with accent) "Hey, why the fuck
are you not chatting with us, huh?"01:13:13
We went: "I'm sorry,
but we don't know you."01:13:17
"We haven't seen our friends in a while
and wanted to spend the evening with them."01:13:20
"So if you don't mind, we'd like to..."01:13:23
(with accent)
"Hey, what's up with the attitude?"01:13:25
I'm like: what attitude? Politeness?
How about you fuck off?01:13:27
You don't like me being
polite with you?01:13:29
They kept this bullshit up for, like,
15 minutes straight.01:13:33
At some point, Satyr got tired of it,
got up and went: "Guys..."01:13:36
"I get it."01:13:38
"You wanna get into
some sort of conflict."01:13:41
"You wanna stir shit up."01:13:42
"Can we not do this, please?"01:13:44
"We're having fun. You're having fun."01:13:46
"There's more of us. We'll fuck you up.
You really wanna..?" He sort of...01:13:50
slipped a threat into his
diplomatic spiel.01:13:55
When in response to that
they again said,01:13:57
(with accent) "Hey, what's up
with the attitude?" —01:13:59
I lost it and went: "Take your friend and
get the fuck out of here, both of you!"01:14:03
"Get the fuck out, now!"01:14:05
I turn my head and see as01:14:07
two huge dudes in bulletproof vests
with AKs walk into the bar.01:14:10
I'm like: "Backup!"01:14:12
"Shit, it's their backup. Fuck me!"01:14:14
"So that's why they were
so fucking cocky."01:14:16
The barman goes:
"Nah, I just pressed the red button."01:14:19
"It's okay. I figured I'd
call 'em in just in case."01:14:22
The security takes them outside.01:14:25
My tour manager goes with them.01:14:27
Some time passes.01:14:29
Meanwhile, me and the guys sit at the bar
being all fearless and annoyed.01:14:34
Going: (in high-pitched voice) "What the fuck!
Almost got into a fight in broad daylight!"01:14:38
"That's bullshit!"01:14:39
"Yeah, but we, you know...
Would've kicked their asses."
"Oh, for sure!"01:14:43
"What's this cocktail?
Margarita? Ooh!"01:14:48
After a while,01:14:51
my manager comes back.
I'm like: "So? What happened?"01:14:54
He goes: "Well, the police showed up.
They searched them."01:14:58
"One of them was packing
a non-lethal."01:15:00
I'm like: "Fuck! Holy shit!
So they busted him for carrying?"01:15:04
He went: "Not really.
He had all the permits."01:15:08
I'm like:01:15:10
"So... What did they do?"01:15:13
"Well..."01:15:14
"They told them:
'Stay away from this bar'...01:15:19
"...and left."01:15:21
I went: "That's it?"
"No."01:15:24
"I heard one of them tell the other:01:15:27
"I wanna shoot the ginger one
in the knee."01:15:29
I'm like, "Am I the ginger one?"
He goes, "You're the ginger one."01:15:34
At this moment, I turn around01:15:38
and see the two of them
enter the bar.01:15:40
They're mad,
'cause we called the cops,01:15:43
but happy, because they know that
the cops aren't coming back.01:15:48
You could tell, he was choosing
which knee he was gonna shoot.01:15:51
That's when my wasted brain
came up with a plan01:15:55
that could fail miserably
and only make it worse.01:15:59
But I thought:01:16:00
"Whatever. Who knows?
It might just fucking work."01:16:02
"At the very least, I'll pull them
away from the guys."01:16:06
"Sit tight, fellas."01:16:08
I stood right in front of them01:16:12
and began to shit talk:01:16:13
"Listen here... you sons of the hooker
I occasionally fuck."01:16:18
"We're gonna go outside, and I'll fuck up
both of you with one hand."01:16:20
"Then I'll go fuck your
needy gay father01:16:23
"who keeps messaging me and
sending his pictures in pink lingerie."01:16:26
I started saying all the shit they
least wanted to hear in their lives.01:16:29
They blew up like they'd been
sitting on a barrel of propane.01:16:32
They went: "What? Motherfucker! Outside!"
I'm like, "After you!"01:16:35
They went outside and I locked
the door behind them.01:16:37
(laughter, cheering, applause)01:16:41
(blows a kiss)01:16:42
(cheering, applause)01:16:47
Shit!01:16:50
(cheering and applause continue)01:16:52
I agree! I agree.01:16:56
I thought the night
couldn't get any better.01:16:59
But for the next hour, we sat there drinking
with a view of a small basement window01:17:05
with two angry but super upset
Uzbeks knocking on it and going:01:17:10
(with accent, in a sad voice)
"Come the fuck out, yes? Please!"01:17:13
*knocks*01:17:14
"Come outside! We wanna kill you!"01:17:17
"Eh... Bring out water?"01:17:24
(female in the audience cheers and laughs)01:17:26
But a man's genius
is burdened by his flesh.01:17:31
Ever noticed how sex fantasies are
always better than actual sex?01:17:35
Like, even getting ready
for a date,01:17:38
(applause)01:17:39
you're like: "God, I hope we'll fuck!
That'd be great!"01:17:41
Later, you're fucking, going:
"Is that what I wanted?"01:17:45
(moderate applause)01:17:49
Because, girls, I'm about to reveal
one of men's biggest secrets.01:17:54
You know when we
enjoy sex the most?01:17:59
When we jerk off before the date.01:18:02
(laughter, faint applause)01:18:06
Because01:18:08
we know that if we skip this
preemptive warning shot,01:18:13
as soon as the D sees the V,
the timer's down to seconds.01:18:19
We don't want that.01:18:20
We wanna look good.01:18:22
We wanna impress you by lasting
as long as they do in porn.01:18:29
Fuck.01:18:31
We jerk off for you!
Do you even..?01:18:34
You think we're perverts,01:18:36
but we actually wanna please YOU.01:18:38
(cheering, applause)01:18:41
We sometimes overdo it so hard01:18:43
that you're fucking, and you
can't even feel your cock.01:18:46
You guys ever realized
you're not gonna come 100%,01:18:49
so you just stopped in the middle
of the process?01:18:51
And... we're done fucking.
Full stop.01:18:53
(applause)01:18:54
That's good.01:18:55
(applause)01:18:56
Good enough.01:18:57
(applause)01:18:58
"What am I proving here? Good night!"01:19:01
"That's enough fun for you."01:19:04
I've proven everything I needed to
back in 2009. (laughs)01:19:08
I hate strip clubs. Can't stand them.01:19:11
But I love inciting my friends
to go to a strip club.01:19:15
'Cause no matter how old
your male friends are,01:19:18
as soon as someone suggests
going to strip club,01:19:21
they turn into a bunch of kids.01:19:24
Seriously. You go,
"Wanna go to a strip club?"01:19:27
(in a kid's tone)
"What are you, stupid? Looking at titties?"01:19:30
"It's not even dark outside!
No, no way!"01:19:34
(in another kid's tone)
"Let's go! It's gonna be fun!"01:19:36
"Dude... What if my old woman checks
outside and can't find me?"01:19:41
"She'll be pissed!"01:19:43
"I'll call and tell her we're playing
video games! Let's go!"01:19:47
(male laughter in the audience,
Danila chuckles)01:19:48
(audience laughs)01:19:52
This shit, and water parks too.01:19:55
It doesn't matter how old you are.01:19:57
When men enter a water park,
they always go...01:20:00
Ever seen those huge gray old men01:20:02
running up the stairs, pushing little
fuckheads away: "Me first!"01:20:05
(cheering, applause)01:20:12
"Honey, I'm stuck in this pipe! Haha!"01:20:15
(laughs)01:20:19
It's just that going to a strip club,
you're picturing one from GTA.01:20:24
Where no one has any fingers.01:20:27
Everyone moves the same.01:20:30
Instead, you go to a Russian
strip club,01:20:32
where, if you're lucky,
at least a few girls01:20:35
love doing striptease
and it's their calling.01:20:39
The rest of the women there are like,
"Shoulda studied better for the tests."01:20:43
"Shucks, I really messed up
somewhere along the way."01:20:47
They're so beautiful,01:20:49
but so sad!01:20:51
That's fucked up!01:20:52
You come to a Russian strip club.01:20:55
This stunning chick comes over
to your table and goes:01:20:59
(inelegant sigh)01:21:01
(audience laughs)01:21:03
(in a tired, un-sexy voice)
"Buy lady a drink?"01:21:06
You go, "Yeah, certainly."01:21:08
"What'll you have? Cocktail, wine?"01:21:11
"Vodka."01:21:13
She sits down and starts talking
to you like your pappy,01:21:17
going: "So how's work?
What do you do?"01:21:21
"Aha!"01:21:22
"Me, I spin around in circles,
you know?"01:21:26
Go to a private room,
she takes out checkers.01:21:29
Bam, bam, bam.01:21:31
(laughs)01:21:33
After I got a little famous,01:21:35
my trips to strip clubs
went to shit.01:21:38
'Cause this thing happened to me
in different cities and different clubs01:21:42
five times in a row.01:21:43
Me and my friend Satyr leave
our jackets in the wardrobe,01:21:47
enter the strip club,01:21:48
the music fucking stops,01:21:51
and the DJ announces
to the whole club:01:21:54
"And now, please meet01:21:57
"the celebrities in our strip club,01:21:59
"Danila Poperechniy and Satyr!"01:22:01
And all the strippers produce
this sort of hallway,01:22:06
and stand there clapping.01:22:08
And it's like we're in Game of Thrones.
"Fuck me dead!"01:22:13
(applause)01:22:14
We just wanted to come in incognito.01:22:16
(applause)01:22:17
Instead you call my last name!
Are you fucking kidding me?01:22:21
To the visitors in the club
that have no idea who we are01:22:25
that just sounded like they're about
to watch some super duper stripper.01:22:29
"Put your hands together for... Satyr!"01:22:32
[*Popular journalist and interviewer.]
And Yura Dud* comes out, going,
(in a seductive voice)
"How much do you make?"01:22:36
(laughter, cheering, applause)01:22:43
Please, applaud if you enjoy
sex without a condom more.01:22:47
(lively applause)01:22:49
I agree.01:22:51
The experience is much richer.01:22:52
You fuck, then next day,
there's a headline:01:22:54
"Another HIV outbreak in Russia."01:22:56
You go: "Woah! Holy shit!
Woah-ho-ho!"01:22:59
"What do you know? I thought
I enjoyed being choked."01:23:02
"But this shit..."01:23:04
"It's got kick!"01:23:06
You call her all nonchalant:01:23:07
"Hey, what's up? With cold?"
Fuck me!01:23:10
Initial HIV symptoms! Aah!01:23:17
I agree. I like it too.01:23:20
I have no doubt01:23:22
that everything I said before and
especially what I'm about to say next01:23:27
will be discussed by the couples
in the room01:23:30
after the show.01:23:32
Guys, I know I'm basically
planting a mine field here01:23:35
that you'll have to hopscotch across
on your way home.01:23:38
Sort of like: "He didn't mean everyone! It was dumb fucking joke! I disagree with him, baby!"01:23:42
(cheering, applause)01:23:43
I know that.01:23:44
(cheering, applause)01:23:50
I'm sorry.01:23:52
To make up for it a little bit, I'll try
to somewhat break the fall for you.01:23:57
Girls, if you think that your boyfriend
fights with you too much,01:24:04
trust me,01:24:06
all the fights men start01:24:09
are the tip of the fucking iceberg01:24:12
of all the shit01:24:14
we'd really want to talk
over with you,01:24:16
but keep our mouths shut instead01:24:19
for one simple reason.01:24:21
'Cause we go: "Okay."01:24:23
"I should probably discuss
this with her,01:24:26
"because she gives me shit
for far smaller stuff."01:24:30
"Dude, fuck that!"01:24:32
"There's no chance I'm gonna win!"01:24:35
(cheering, applause)01:24:36
"I can't win."01:24:37
(cheering, applause)01:24:38
"I'll just ruin several days for us."01:24:41
"Fuck that!"01:24:42
And we shut our pieholes.01:24:44
'Cause you, girls, are sore losers.01:24:47
Seriously.01:24:48
Here's the deal. When a guy has lost
the fight and it's obvious,01:24:52
first, we get upset, then we
try to make it up to you.01:24:56
When you, girls, lose,01:24:58
first, you get angry, then you get back
at us for exposing your shit!01:25:02
(moderate laughter and cheering, applause)01:25:05
You might say, "That's not true!"01:25:07
Recall how your man talks
after they'd fucked up:01:25:10
(in a begging voice)
"Sweetheart! Baby! Let's go somewhere.
I'm really sorry. I am!"01:25:14
And how you talk to us
after you'd fucked up:01:25:17
(in a mad voice)
"Yeah. Okay. Fine."01:25:19
You go: "But you're the one
who'd fucked up!"01:25:20
You go: "But you're the one
who'd fucked up!"01:25:21
"Why are you talking to me like this?"01:25:23
"You messed up, but act like
I'm the piece of shit here!"01:25:27
(in an angry voice)
"I'm mad at the situation, not you."01:25:30
"...Piece of shit!"01:25:31
"Does she mean me or that situation?!
I don't fucking understand!"01:25:36
Easy example. Guys, make some noise
if this shit sounds familiar:01:25:39
during a fight, you still know
that you're in the right,01:25:43
but you're so fucking tired
of arguing that you go:01:25:45
"Fucking... whatever. You're right.
I'm wrong. Okay."01:25:47
(lively applause)01:25:50
"Eh!" (lively applause)01:25:52
"You're right. My bad."01:25:54
"Yeah, you punched my
mother in the head, but..."01:25:57
"I should've known you weren't
in the mood. My bad."01:26:00
"My..."01:26:02
"My bad."01:26:05
You're the worst sore losers, girls.01:26:08
You guys ever played board
games with your girlfriend?01:26:11
Now that's some crazy shit!01:26:13
(in a girl's voice)
"I love board games!"01:26:15
No, you fucking don't.
You love winning.01:26:19
You ever killed your girlfriend
in Mafia?01:26:21
It's a mess!01:26:23
It's a real mess!01:26:26
"The city wakes up, but sadly,
without Oksana."01:26:28
She goes: "YOU!"01:26:30
"OOH!"01:26:32
"I fucking trusted you!
We've lived together for years!"01:26:34
"And you just lie in my face
like that?!"01:26:37
"I hate you!"01:26:38
"Fucking... Oksana, I'm the detective.
Are you kidding me?"01:26:44
Women's intuition is highly
overestimated.01:26:47
Really, really overestimated.01:26:49
Seriously.01:26:50
Because you suspect
everyone in everything,01:26:54
and when you once in a blue moon
guess correctly about someone,01:26:57
you go:
(in a smug voice)
"Aha! I fucking knew it!"01:26:59
(female audience laughs, applause)01:27:01
Fuck off. It doesn't work like that.01:27:05
Guys, was your girlfriend ever jealous
of a completely wrong chick?01:27:09
It's hilarious!01:27:10
(applause)01:27:11
"So you like her, huh?"01:27:13
You're like: "Who is she?
Who the fuck is this?"01:27:15
She goes, "Don't pretend!"01:27:16
"No, sweetheart, the irony
of the situation01:27:19
"is that I've jerked off to everyone
on planet Earth... except for this chick!"01:27:23
"Where the fuck did you find her?"01:27:25
"Who is she? I'm so confused!"01:27:26
(cheering, applause)01:27:30
It's like she shot a mosquito in the eye
with a BB gun from 500 meters away.01:27:33
I mean, wow. That's impressive.01:27:37
This whole jealousy thing...
Girls, seriously!01:27:41
Let me tell you on behalf
all the men out there:01:27:43
I don't wanna fuck every
beautiful woman I see.01:27:49
Only problem is that I do!
(pretends to cry)01:27:53
And I have no fucking clue
how not to!01:27:56
From the moment you hit puberty,01:27:59
your dick starts talking to you.01:28:02
And it gets more and more
audacious every year!01:28:07
Louder and louder.01:28:09
(in a disgusting voice)
"Oh shit! Look at the titties
we just followed!"01:28:13
"Look at that!"01:28:15
"Ooh!"01:28:17
"Send her a DM!"
(makes disgusting sounds)01:28:19
"No, don't. Leave a like instead!"01:28:21
"Just leave a like under her picture!"01:28:23
"If your ball and chain asks,
tell her that you liked...01:28:26
"the caption, not the picture itself!"
(giggles disgustingly)01:28:29
"The like looks like an upside down ass!"
(vocal seizure)01:28:33
And we can't shut him up!01:28:34
We go... *triple thud*01:28:38
Okay. Here you go. Fine!01:28:40
We good? You chill?01:28:43
It's worse! We can't fucking sleep!01:28:47
We go to bed...
*yoohoo!*01:28:49
Is there no fucking end to this?!01:28:51
There! What do you want from me?!01:28:54
All done?!01:28:56
(in disgusting voice)
"Nope! Remember that girl from high school?"01:28:58
Fuuuuuck!01:28:59
AAAH!01:29:02
It wakes up before we do!01:29:05
We're sleeping. It goes...01:29:06
(rhythmic knocking)01:29:12
Ouch!01:29:15
No! I'm not jerking you off
in the morning! I'm stronger!01:29:18
(in disgusting voice)
"Oh yeah? Let's see you piss!"01:29:19
"Alright, you faggot! Okay..."01:29:22
(laughter, cheering, applause)01:29:26
AAAAAH!01:29:28
Motherfucker!01:29:30
(cheering, applause)01:29:31
What are you gonna do?01:29:33
(cheering, applause)01:29:35
*triple thud*01:29:39
Old women and funerals, old women and funerals, old women and funerals...01:29:42
Fuck, you're even more!.. Aaah!01:29:46
Seriously, it's like...01:29:48
We know that...01:29:50
The tragedy of dudes01:29:52
is that we don't want
to offend anyone,01:29:55
but wanna fuck everyone,
all of 'em!01:29:57
We know that you can't do both!01:30:00
So we know we'll probably
grow old alone,01:30:03
and no one will talk to us because
we tried to fuck everyone.01:30:07
We realize that it's just a prehistoric
instinct that you need to ignore.01:30:12
Sure scientists these days say:01:30:14
"There's no such instinct.
You've come up with an excuse."01:30:18
Girls! We're not coming up
with excuses01:30:21
to fuck chicks and be lecherous.01:30:22
That's how it works.01:30:24
That's what happened
in prehistoric times.01:30:26
It takes a while before
you give birth.01:30:27
We could repopulate
the whole village in a day!01:30:30
That's what happened: the prehistoric man
came on things to see what gets pregnant.01:30:33
If this wasn't an instinct,
the whole "fucking, boobs, brrr!" thing,01:30:37
I promise you,01:30:38
the human kind would've ended
as soon as they made the PlayStation.01:30:44
We would've gone:01:30:46
"You know what? Fuck off
with your nagging, ladies."01:30:48
"I'd rather spend 90 hours playing
a fucking delivery man sim."01:30:52
Just walk around with fucking boxes.01:30:54
(cheering, applause)01:30:55
You know what I'm talking about.01:30:58
Riveting stuff!01:30:59
(cheering, applause)01:31:00
Riveting stuff.01:31:02
(cheering, applause)01:31:03
The point is that you distribute boxes
along your arms and walk around!01:31:07
Wow, brilliant. Genius!01:31:10
You might say,
"Dania, but you're above this!"01:31:13
No! I'm on the same fucking level!01:31:15
I'm on the same exact level!01:31:18
Girls, I know that at this point
in the show,01:31:21
the narrative is sort of leaning
towards pro-men.01:31:24
It's just that I...
You see?..01:31:26
I'm talking about this
from a guy's perspective01:31:29
because I'm a guy and I have
no idea how much you wanna fuck.01:31:32
I don't.01:31:34
But it feels like01:31:36
guys are locked up in this prison,01:31:39
whereas you just come to visit
when the mood strikes!01:31:44
'Cause here's a very easy example.01:31:46
There are hundreds of websites
with webcam models on the internet.01:31:52
The idea of these sites is that01:31:54
chicks stream themselves
lying on the bed naked,01:31:58
waiting for the viewer
to pay money,01:32:01
which makes a toy in their vagina
vibrate for a couple of seconds.01:32:04
These websites make MILLIONS!01:32:08
Because guys go to these sites and are like:
"So..."01:32:11
"I need to PAY HER01:32:14
"to make HER feel good
for a couple of seconds?"01:32:18
"That's fucking awesome.
Cool. Yeah. Nice."01:32:22
Can you imagine a site like that01:32:25
with a bunch of dudes with limp
wieners and bellies, going:01:32:29
"Give money."01:32:31
Like... Who's gonna watch that?01:32:34
I'll tell you who.01:32:36
Other dudes.
'Cause we're fucked up!01:32:38
We're fucked in the head!01:32:41
(woohs, applause) I'll give you an example.01:32:44
(woohs, applause) Can I get a round of applause from
guys who recently broke up?01:32:49
(faint applause)01:32:52
Very simple test, dude.01:32:54
You deleted her nudes?01:32:56
(laughter)01:32:58
Took him less than two seconds.
He went:01:33:01
"...No."01:33:02
He wasn't trying to recall if he did either.
He was recalling the nudes. He was like...01:33:07
"...No."01:33:09
Of course you didn't.01:33:10
Because01:33:12
you could break our hearts,01:33:14
we could hate you,
you could kill our mothers,01:33:18
but we're like:
"Nudes are innocent!"01:33:21
"It's totally different!
It's right here!"01:33:23
Because we're rotten to the core!01:33:27
Fuck!01:33:28
I'm tired of hating myself
for crude thoughts.01:33:31
I've been with my girlfriend
for four years now.01:33:33
I love her like crazy.01:33:35
But passion wanes when you're
with someone for so long.01:33:39
I constantly wanna
(in a disgusting voice)
FUCK SOMEONE ELSE.01:33:41
But I know that
I fucking can't, shut up, I can't!01:33:43
And I can't help it!01:33:45
I'm constantly ashamed of these
feelings that I can't not feel!01:33:49
I can't even fucking get my rocks off
in my dreams, you know?01:33:53
'Cause in dreams,
everything feels real,01:33:56
so I need to bring myself
to cheat in my dream!01:33:59
I'm fucking tired of Jessica Alba's
passes at me!01:34:03
For real!01:34:04
She brings Gal Gadot along now, going:
"Come on! Don't be a wuss. Let's fuck!"01:34:07
I'm like: "Maybe another time.
I'm in a relationship. I'm sorry."01:34:11
It's just...01:34:12
Guys, make some noise if you've been
with your girl for at least three years.01:34:17
(moderate applause)01:34:20
See how weak and lifeless
that fucking sounded?01:34:24
They're like, "Ohh..."01:34:26
(in a lifeless tone)
"I'm fucking happy!"01:34:29
'Cause they're emotional wrecks!01:34:31
They watched as the girl they loved
slowly turned into their sister!01:34:39
After a while, she walks into your
room and goes: "Wanna fuck?"01:34:42
You go: "Have you fucking lost it?
We're basically relatives! What sex?"01:34:46
"Do you even think before you talk?"01:34:49
Some become your sister.
Others, your mom.01:34:52
Ohh!01:34:54
That's cold-blooded shit.01:34:56
When the girlfriend you used to date
and give flowers to some years later01:35:01
bursts into your room, going:
"I'm tired of picking up your socks!"01:35:04
You go: "I'm on the computer! I'll clean up!
I'll put everything... in the trash!"01:35:08
You hide from her
in the bathroom to jerk off.01:35:10
She goes: "Why'd you close the door?!"
"Aah! Lock the latch! I'm in the shower!"01:35:14
Mature relationship?
Get the fuck outta here!01:35:17
Who came up with the idea that loyalty
was not fucking anyone else anyway?01:35:22
Who registered this brilliant patent?01:35:24
'Cause there's a tiny fucking
inconsistency here.01:35:27
The paragon of loyalty
in human culture is the dog.01:35:32
I have a dog, and he fucks
EVERYTHING.01:35:35
Females, males, toys, my leg,
my little brother when he zones out.01:35:39
Fucking anything goes!01:35:41
He fucks everything.01:35:42
(applause)01:35:47
But at the same time,01:35:49
this dog would give
his life for me.01:35:53
You follow?01:35:54
Even a fucking dog01:35:56
with its tiny dog brain01:36:00
can tell sex from a relationship.01:36:04
While we fucking can't.01:36:06
The most overused expression ever,01:36:09
one I disagree with too...01:36:11
You know how they say that men are
from Mars, women are from Venus?01:36:16
It's so banal.01:36:17
I think it's much simpler.01:36:20
I think men are dogs,
women are cats.01:36:24
It makes sense!01:36:25
'Cause we're like:
"Meat? BBQ? Love it!"01:36:28
"Fast cars? Fucking awesome!"01:36:29
"Football? Great. Ball jumps around!"01:36:31
"Fucking? Super love it!"01:36:34
While girls be like:01:36:36
(in a smug tone)
"Fuck off!"01:36:37
(laughter, intense cheering and applause)01:36:44
"I'll fucking come over
if I so please."01:36:47
"I don't give a shit. You don't own me...
in principle."01:36:51
"'Where's the dinner?'"01:36:53
"Get to cooking, fuckhead."01:36:54
(female laughter)01:36:56
We think you lie on our
sore spots to heal them,01:37:00
but it's scientific fact that cats
lie down on sore spots01:37:03
because they're warmer
and thus nicer to stay on.01:37:06
(purrs)01:37:08
Some cats are easier to live with
because they grew up with dogs.01:37:12
(chuckles)01:37:13
But the rest of 'em...01:37:16
There's even a Catwoman
in the comics.01:37:19
And it makes sense.01:37:20
Can you imagine a Dogwoman?01:37:22
What the fuck is that?01:37:25
She's like: "Fucking... Hey-o!"01:37:27
"Heh!"01:37:28
"Let's fight crime!"01:37:30
What IS that?01:37:32
Gender roles, you say.
I say, nature.01:37:36
I honestly feel that guys are dogs.01:37:38
Remember Kuzia
from the show Univer?01:37:42
(snickers)01:37:43
He's played by the actor Vitaliy Gogunskiy.01:37:46
Some time ago, I happened
to meet him at some party.01:37:50
Turned out he WASN'T
playing Kuzia!01:37:56
I came up to him and went:
"Hey. Dania Poperechniy."01:37:59
He went: (in a jerky voice) "So and so! Hi!
Love your work! Cool! What are these pants?"01:38:02
I'm like: "Ha-a... ehh?!"01:38:07
It's like some witch turned a dog into
a human and said: "Go work on TNT."01:38:12
"Run!"01:38:15
I have a dog.
And he's so much like me!01:38:18
I recently tried to teach my dog
to find pot stashes.01:38:23
To throw them away!01:38:26
No to drugs!01:38:29
And I kinda overdid it01:38:32
with the teaching.01:38:34
'Cause now I have a super lazy dog that's
perpetually smiling and got the munchies.01:38:39
And gets a little too happy
when Kazakhs walk by.01:38:43
It's getting kinda awkward.01:38:47
I always wanted a dog but kept
putting away getting one,01:38:50
'cause I thought:
"It's such a responsibility!"01:38:52
"I don't wanna be one of those
dog owners that got it as a toy,01:38:55
"and now it's neglected
and depressed."01:38:57
"Also, it's a huge liability
that hinders traveling."01:39:00
Eventually, I got myself a puppy.01:39:02
I've had him for a little
over a year now,01:39:03
and I realize that I haven't loved
anyone in my life as much as I love01:39:08
this fucking idiot.01:39:10
And it's not something
to "aww!" at.01:39:13
You know why?01:39:14
Because I haven't felt this way
about ANYONE!01:39:18
Not any of my girlfriends,01:39:20
not even my mom.01:39:21
She's my birth giver!
She's been with me my whole life!01:39:24
But in my heart, I always favor this dumb
little fucker that licks his own cock more!01:39:30
And it's so spooky! I'm like: "Wait, so I can't
feel this way about another human being?"01:39:34
"What the hell?"01:39:35
Think about the stupid competition.01:39:37
You're on a date with a girl, going:
"Still not my dog. Sorry."01:39:40
"Still not... Not even close, honey."01:39:44
Let me explain how strong
this love is.01:39:46
Heard about the infamous dog breath?
You probably have.01:39:51
For a while, my dog's breath
didn't smell at all.01:39:54
I thought: "That's some fucking luck! Nice!"01:39:57
That was until my dog hit puberty,01:40:01
and his thick, green,
fetid as death itself dog cum01:40:04
started building up
on the top of his cock,01:40:07
which he'd lick and then
try to smooch me.01:40:09
I was like: "Ohh! So THAT'S dog breath!
Fuck me dead!"01:40:15
Because this is my first dog and
I didn't know that that's how this works,01:40:19
I thought he had
some sort of infection.01:40:23
I took him to a veterinarian and said:01:40:24
"Hi. My dog's semen has a really,
really nasty smell."01:40:28
You know what she told me?
"Why the fuck did you smell it?"01:40:31
(laughter, applause)01:40:37
I didn't really have a counter.01:40:40
Yep.01:40:41
You're damn right.01:40:43
Nastiest shit!01:40:44
And I still let him lick my face.01:40:47
Every time: "Aah!.. Whatever.
Burn my face, so what?"01:40:50
"Love ya."01:40:53
I recently realized that walking him01:40:56
is basically me cockblocking
him for an hour.01:41:02
And he still adores me!01:41:04
The devotion, man!01:41:06
If one of your friends did this
to you for just one night,01:41:08
would you still hang out
with them?01:41:10
"Don't!"01:41:13
"She's in heat."01:41:15
To the whole club.
(chuckles)01:41:17
When I pull him away from bitches,01:41:20
I come up with these
sophisticated arguments:01:41:22
"Get off! If she gets pregnant,
you gonna support the kids?"01:41:24
"Where are you gonna
find the money?"01:41:26
He's like,
"Yeah, I'm unemployed..."01:41:29
My dog knows how to apologize.01:41:32
He knows when I'm telling
him off and what for.01:41:34
He puts his paws like that:
"Bro, I'm sorry! But she's too hot!"01:41:37
Runs off to continue fucking her.01:41:39
I get mad at him, but then I think:
"Why am I mad?"01:41:42
"He's just a dog."01:41:43
It's in his nature. You can't help it.01:41:47
He can't jerk off.01:41:49
Yeah, I tried hinting at it.01:41:52
He once sat down like a human, leaned
on a wall, and his wiener stuck out. I went:01:41:57
"Okay, dude..."01:41:59
"Here's the deal."01:42:00
"Remember how you usually
hold bones?"01:42:03
I took him by the base of his legs and went:
"Try going like this with your paws..."01:42:08
That's when my girlfriend went:
"What are you doing over there?"01:42:12
I was like...01:42:14
"You got the wrong idea."01:42:16
"Let's not do the hasty
conclusion thing, okay?"01:42:19
She went: "It looks like you're...
jerking our dog off with his paw."01:42:24
I went...01:42:27
"Okay, you sorta got the gist of it."01:42:30
"But I'm trying to help out
a friend here!"01:42:33
"He needs this."01:42:36
Like in middle school.01:42:37
Remember how one of your pals
figured out jerking off first?01:42:41
He runs up to you, goes: "Hey, guys! Crazy shit!
You do like this, and it feels good!"01:42:44
No one believes him. "Oh yeah? If it feels so good,
why doesn't the teacher do it all the time?"01:42:48
"You're full of shit!"01:42:52
Don't laugh. Jerking off
saved many lives.01:42:56
Many lives.01:42:57
(one person starts clapping) It's the classic story...01:42:59
(audience laughs)01:43:00
At least one life,
that's for fucking sure!01:43:02
(laughter, applause)01:43:03
One person... is now totally saved.01:43:06
(cheering, applause)01:43:10
I mean, you jerk off
and you're like: "Uh!"01:43:12
"Huh!"01:43:13
"So I DON'T love her!"01:43:15
"Go figure. And I was going
to ruin my family!"01:43:20
Imagine what Romeo and Juliet would've
looked like if it was written by me?01:43:25
(laughs)01:43:27
She goes: "Romeo! We'll meet tomorrow,
same place!"01:43:30
"Yes, Juliet!"01:43:32
Comes back to his castle.
Goes: "Uh!"01:43:34
"You know what? Don't come over.
Whatever."01:43:37
"Can you tell Juliet not to come over?
...What's that?"01:43:41
"Poisoned?"01:43:42
"Must be crabs. Everyone's getting
poisoned from 'em these days."01:43:45
"Yeah."01:43:46
(cheering, applause)01:43:48
"Dangerous stuff."01:43:49
(cheering, applause)01:43:51
Make some noise if you like
Russian porn.01:43:55
(moderate applause, a female shouts
a high-pitched cheer, audience laughs)01:43:59
THAT much?01:44:02
"Wow! Let's not discuss my work!"01:44:06
No, I mean, you're probably
complimenting01:44:08
the quality Russian porn,
the good stuff.01:44:11
II meant videos like
"husband fucks wife on barbecue trip."01:44:16
Where they're on a bank
of some stinky river.01:44:19
Lying on a towel.01:44:20
You can tell they're under influence,
some shit playing in the back.01:44:24
How can you jerk off to a video where
a girl's being bitten by mosquitoes?01:44:27
I can't even imagine.
You're like, "Shit!"01:44:30
"Yeah, honey, slap me!"01:44:32
"Or rather, can you scratch the bite?
Yeah, right there. Oh fuck, yes!"01:44:35
"Don't let 'em leave! Slap 'em!"
(snickers)01:44:39
Shit. Actually, a female friend
asked me the other day01:44:43
if I had any fetishes.01:44:45
I got upset01:44:47
because I realized how
banal and boring I was.01:44:50
'Cause I don't.01:44:51
Even on Pornhub, in the category01:44:54
that analyzes everything you watch
and suggests stuff you might like,01:44:57
it says: "Recommended category for you: Beautiful Women."01:45:02
I'm like: "Oh, gee, thanks!"01:45:04
"We recommend watching
beautiful women!"01:45:07
Thank you so fucking much.
What a valuable observation.01:45:09
Could've also said: "Try jerking off
to one of the videos. It's great fun!"01:45:15
No, actually, I could have a fetish.
I could be into sniffing panties.01:45:19
[*Actress and singer.]
[39 y.o. at the time of the show.]
But not any panties.
Only Natalya Bochkariova's* panties.01:45:23
(woohs, applause)01:45:24
As a, you know...01:45:25
A sort of morning pick-me-up.01:45:28
[*Theme song from a popular sitcom]
[where Bochkariova starred.]
♪ If you want, I will look into your eyes ♪
♪ Remember the words, and say it once again* ♪01:45:34
(chuckles)01:45:36
Damn.01:45:37
Can I get a round of applause from guys
who shared a place with another guy?01:45:44
(lively applause)01:45:47
Remember the not-jerking off show
you stage in front of each other,01:45:51
where you both know that
masturbation is happening,01:45:55
but don't acknowledge it in any way?01:45:58
Remember the moronic
conversations?01:46:00
"Damn! Gonna go take a shower.
Sweating like a motherfucker."01:46:03
"Yeah, yeah. Good call.
Hit the shower."01:46:06
"Gonna take a good shower."
"Go for it."01:46:08
You come out:
"Nice fucking shower!"01:46:09
"You know what?
I'll go take a shower myself!"01:46:13
"Why not?"01:46:16
No one even opened the water,
and you heard it.01:46:21
You both sit there: "Well, good night! Good shower." "Yeah, great shower."01:46:24
"Another shower before bed?"
"Sure! You first, I'll go after."01:46:28
You come out: "What, you going?"
"Nah, I already showered in bed."01:46:32
"Spritzed myself a little."01:46:34
(laughs)01:46:37
Shit!01:46:39
Sorry there's so many jokes
about jerking off,01:46:42
but they say you become
a professional01:46:46
at stuff you've been doing
for over 10,000 hours.01:46:50
So...01:46:52
Instead of a stand-up show,
consider this a TED talk.01:46:55
(laughter, applause)01:46:58
To be honest, basically,01:46:59
I got so good at jerking off,01:47:02
that when my girlfriend tries
to give me a handjob in bed,01:47:06
I get so haughty!01:47:08
I'm like: "Oh sweetie!"01:47:10
(laughter, applause)01:47:12
"Oh, certainly!"01:47:13
"I'm enjoying this so much!"01:47:16
"So sudden and enjoyable!"01:47:18
(wild laughter and woohs)01:47:19
Haha!01:47:20
(applause)01:47:22
Like someone showing off to Stradivari
holding a chopping board.01:47:27
What beautiful, masterful work!
(chuckles)01:47:32
We're spoiled beyond repair
and masters of lying to ourselves.01:47:36
My inbox is piled
with requests for help:01:47:38
different foundations asking
for money donations,01:47:43
children that need help...01:47:44
I'm like: "No, fuck that.
I'm busy. I can't."01:47:47
I donate to charities myself time to time.01:47:50
Besides, if I share one, I'll have to
share everyone from that point on.01:47:53
Besides, I can't post about
poor kids with Down's,01:47:57
because I'm a comedian and it'll look
like I'm making fun of them.01:48:00
"Little Liosha needs help."
And I'm like: "He sure does."01:48:04
"Look at him."01:48:06
(one person laughs hysterically)01:48:07
That's exactly why
I don't do this shit.01:48:10
Because you'll go:
"Good one, Dania! As always."01:48:13
"That's some freaky kid
you've found!"01:48:15
(applause)01:48:18
But when some beautiful
chick sends me a DM,01:48:21
I somehow have all the time
in the world!01:48:24
I check out all of her pictures.01:48:26
"Is that her boyfriend?
No, that's her brother."01:48:29
I think if the Moscow case
people were hot chicks,01:48:32
we would've had a fucking
bloody coup in our country.01:48:35
"What?! They want to arrest her for lifting
a guardsman's visor? I'll die for her!"01:48:42
I recently realized something about yours truly,
which really fucking upset me01:48:46
and disappointed me in myself.01:48:49
I've been with my girlfriend
for four years now,01:48:52
and just I realized01:48:55
that the only reason I'm not
cheating on her these days01:49:00
is that if I do and she finds out,
she'll get upset.01:49:06
Not because you don't do that
or I don't wanna. I sure fucking do!01:49:11
But when her face is sad,
I get sad too.01:49:15
(growing applause)01:49:19
I don't know why you're clapping.
It's embarrassing shit.01:49:23
I think my perfect companion
is a chick with Alzheimer's.01:49:26
"I hate you!" *snort* "I love you!"01:49:30
I kept thinking:
"Maybe it'll go away with time?"01:49:33
'Cause sexual frustration starts
building up in a relationship.01:49:37
It's not even you doing
something wrong.01:49:39
The simple truth is that passion wanes
when you've been together for so long.01:49:45
I thought: "I'll try jerking
this feeling away."01:49:48
Didn't work.01:49:50
I thought: "Okay. Maybe libido will
subside a little bit after a while."01:49:54
You know, that after a few years,
I'd wanna fuck less. Na-ah.01:49:58
Putin divorced!01:50:00
[*Short for Liudmila, Putin's ex-wife.]
Even Putin was like:
"Fucking... Liuda*!"01:50:02
(grunts)01:50:05
"I'm the number one man
in the country."01:50:06
"I'm basically a dictator, and I can't
throatfuck anyone!"01:50:09
"Divorce! Now!"01:50:12
You and I should care that
Putin gets some action.01:50:15
'Cause if he doesn't fuck for a month, he's like:
"Rrah! Arrest him! Yes, for a paper cup!"01:50:20
Everyone's like: "Woah!
Mr. Putin, you need to fuck or something."01:50:24
(male voice)
...needs to jerk off!01:50:25
We need to jerk off Putin.01:50:28
That's how the fucking United Russia
party started, dude.01:50:31
From ideas like that one.01:50:33
And now everyone acts surprised:01:50:36
why isn't anyone asking Medvedev
tough questions during the live Q&A?01:50:41
'Cause everyone went:
"Let's jerk off Putin!"01:50:44
...and be scared shitless
to challenge him.01:50:49
[*Soviet and Russian stage comedian.]
[74 y.o. at the time of the show.]
[Ended his 33-year marriage for a 30-year-old.]
Petrosian* still wants to fuck.01:50:51
Let's get the elephant in the room
out of the way.01:50:54
Petrosian01:50:56
divorced Stepanenko01:50:58
and is currently dating a chick,01:51:00
you can google this,01:51:01
that's looks like a carbon copy
of a young Stepanenko.01:51:05
He refreshed his wife!01:51:09
And I doubt this was a symmetrical
transaction. Just saying.01:51:13
[*Stand-up comedian.]
[26 y.o. at the time of the show.]
I doubt Stepanenko is now
dating Dolgopolov*.01:51:16
(laughter, applause)01:51:22
Although, given his unchained
sexual tastes, who knows?01:51:26
(chuckles, sighs)01:51:29
Imagine how incredibly funny
Petrosian is in bed.01:51:34
(chuckles)01:51:35
[*Expression from one of Petrosian's classic bits.]
He's fucking you from behind and goes:
"Extraordinary sensation!"*01:51:38
[*Petrosian's full name.]
You go: "Yevgeniy Vaganovich*, can you not?
Please?"01:51:41
Get that! He... (laughs)01:51:43
The glasses on stage
are not for checking notes —01:51:46
when he's clowning around, he's actually
scanning the room for potential tail.01:51:50
Sex predator.01:51:52
Comes on tits, goes:
"Jolly living!"01:51:56
"Call me Yevgeniy Vagina-witcher."01:51:59
(laughs)01:52:02
(sighs)01:52:03
I don't know if it'll ever pass.01:52:06
I think I know why relationships
sooner or later crack.01:52:12
Almost all of them.01:52:14
It's because, one, from very early on, we're
taught to treat our partner as our property.01:52:20
I think it's wrong.01:52:21
The fucking boundaries.
"You BELONG to each other."01:52:26
"Compromise!"01:52:27
Compromise sounds
like a brilliant idea on paper.01:52:30
It sounds reasonable.01:52:32
But basically, you want one thing,
she wants another,01:52:36
and you both deny yourselves
the things you want01:52:38
in favor of some shit in the middle
that neither of you wanted.01:52:42
And you go:
"Fucking... problem solved!"01:52:45
"Nice!"01:52:48
The worst part is that
from very early on,01:52:52
our parents, the popular culture, the movies,
everyone is pushing this fantasy on us:01:52:57
"You'll meet your other half,
and you'll love each other01:53:01
"and fuck your whole lives
like it's your first time together."01:53:04
Even on paper,
that sounds delusional.01:53:06
It doesn't work like that for anyone,01:53:08
but everyone's keeping up the charade
that that's how it should be.01:53:12
Everyone cheats, gets divorced.01:53:14
Kids grow up without dads.01:53:16
You know what my grandparents were like
in my grandpa's last days?01:53:21
Grandma's doing the dishes.01:53:22
Grandpa just woke up. He walks into
the kitchen and sits down, that's all he does.01:53:27
Grandma goes: "You sat there again!"01:53:29
He goes: "Where?
Where the fuck did I sit?"01:53:31
She walks out and leaves him with the...
He's like the Tasmanian Devil!01:53:35
I'll never mistake that look
when someone's looking01:53:37
for something to hurl at the other
person's fucking head.01:53:39
"What do I fucking lob at you?"01:53:43
Every time I was alone with either of them,
they'd pick each other apart.01:53:47
"Valera had a drink last night,
drove me up the wall!"01:53:50
"He's unbearable!
It's a living hell!"01:53:54
"I'm a grown fucking man! I'm fucking tired
of asking your grandma for cigarette money!"01:54:00
But every family dinner: "More potatoes, honey?"
"Yes, please, sweetheart."01:54:05
Why play this fucking pretend game?01:54:08
They hated each other,
made each other's lives miserable,01:54:11
but stayed together
for the sake of the family.01:54:15
What the fuck for? We were growing up
seeing that THAT'S the reality of relationships.01:54:20
Like, what is that? Why?01:54:22
I feel like shit goes south
sooner or later01:54:26
because they teach us
to treat sex all wrong.01:54:30
Because it's too much of a taboo.
This whole:01:54:34
"Don't you dare to even look!.."01:54:36
"You look at another woman, and this
ten-year relationship is fucking over!"01:54:40
I mean, fucking... really?01:54:42
I think sex should not be such
a cornerstone in relationships.01:54:45
I think we as a society are evolved enough
to get over this possessiveness and selfishness.01:54:50
'Cause I find it very similar to fasting.01:54:52
I used to fast a lot as a kid,
because I had a religious family.01:54:55
It's when you don't eat meat, cheese, milk and
all that stuff for several months before Easter.01:55:01
I can't stand bologna.
I fucking hate it.01:55:05
But because they'd said
I couldn't have it,01:55:08
several days in, I would wait
until grandma went to bed,01:55:12
sneak through pitch-black
darkness into the kitchen,01:55:15
open the fridge and just
hang out with the sausage.01:55:19
I would just look at it and smell it.01:55:21
(blows a kiss)
I'd kiss it. Thought: "Ohh!"01:55:24
I hate sausage.01:55:26
But because it was forbidden,01:55:29
I went crazy.01:55:31
I was like: "You and I, we're the Capulets
and the Montagues, my sweet sausage!"01:55:36
(obscene noise)01:55:39
"Romeo and Juliet. Dania..."01:55:41
"...and the pink mass of soy
and toilet paper. Yes!"01:55:46
"I'll kill the old woman!
She stands between us! Yeah!"01:55:49
"I'll kill her and we'll live
happily ever after!"01:55:55
One day, I snapped and carefully cut myself
a slice so no one could tell that I did.01:55:59
Started eating it and in the middle
of it went: "Fuck!" (spits)01:56:03
"I don't even like this sausage. Why?.."01:56:07
Was that slice of bologna worth
hurting my grandma's feelings?01:56:10
Of course it didn't. Of course!01:56:13
But because they turned it
into a forbidden fruit,01:56:18
I started going crazy.01:56:19
I was like:
"Sure, I don't need it."01:56:22
"But I'd love to have the opportunity."01:56:26
So when someone tells you
you can't have something,01:56:29
after a while, you just go:01:56:32
"Excuse me, why the fuck not?! Huh?!"01:56:36
"Who are you, again?
You're not even my mother!"01:56:38
"You're one stage older.
Order HER around. I'll..."01:56:40
"I don't even believe in God, okay?"01:56:42
Like... I didn't become an atheist
because I read some books.01:56:46
I just wanted some fucking sausage.01:56:47
"There! I deny everything you believe in!"
(laughs)01:56:53
I wonder if I could talk you all
into an orgy right now?01:56:56
You know? To rock this boat for two
hours straight and then go:01:56:59
"And that's why we should
take our clothes off and fuck!"01:57:01
You go: "So that's why the ticket's
so fucking expensive!"01:57:03
"There's an orgy at the end!
Should've guessed!"01:57:05
(laughter, cheering, applause)01:57:13
(audience laughs)01:57:17
(male voice)
Give the command!01:57:19
Yeah! I like this guy!01:57:21
(woohs, applause)01:57:22
I have a suspicion he'll
be the only one to stay,01:57:25
and you'll all go:
"Have fun, you two!"01:57:29
(female voice)
Give the command!01:57:30
(chuckles) Present the cunt!01:57:34
Hide it!01:57:35
Whatever!01:57:36
(male voice)
So that's what the salad with olives meant!01:57:38
Salad with olives. That's right, you guys.
You got my meaning.01:57:43
All jokes aside, I've been
talking for a while.01:57:48
My main point is:01:57:50
many people in this room are
unhappy but don't realize it.01:57:56
You wanna know how to tell
if you're one of them?01:57:59
If you get these stupid
thoughts when you go to bed.01:58:04
When you put down your phone,
close your eyes and go: "Oh fuck!.."01:58:10
They're not stupid thoughts.01:58:13
That's you one-on-one with your mind
for the first time in 24 hours.01:58:19
At first, you get the bullshit out:01:58:21
"Should've said that.
Why didn't you say it?"01:58:24
"Fuck off! Should've thought sooner!"01:58:27
(applause, cheering) "Why didn't YOU say it? You messed up too."01:58:31
(applause, cheering)01:58:33
Then comes the heavy stuff:01:58:36
"Remember? You wanted to be
a completely different person."01:58:39
"Ah! No! Shut up! Go away!"01:58:41
"Stupid thoughts. What's new on Twitter?
Shit. Can't sleep."01:58:45
Anything but alone
with this fucking idiot.01:58:49
You know what makes
a lot of people unhappy?01:58:52
Those fake, make-believe
bargains with fate.01:58:55
It's when you go: "Alright. If I can run
inside the elevator before it closes..."01:59:03
"...I'll have a year of good luck.
Let's go!"01:59:05
(as if narrowly makes it)
"Yeah!"01:59:07
"Fuck yeah! Alright!"01:59:09
(cheering, applause)01:59:12
"If I can untangle my headphones
before the bus gets here,01:59:14
"I'll be immune to AIDS.
Let's go!"01:59:18
"Are you fucking stupid?"01:59:20
"Immune to AIDS?"01:59:22
"I got it for jumping over that puddle!
I need a new bet!"01:59:27
Stupid, isn't?01:59:28
Fucking idiotic even.01:59:30
And yet many of you are doing
the exact same thing,01:59:34
only with much greater stakes
that actually affect your life.01:59:37
Still dunno what I mean?01:59:39
If I have a baby,
I'll be a happy mommy.01:59:43
If I have a family,
I'll be a happy daddy.01:59:47
Only unlike, you know,
those pretend deals...01:59:51
If you untangle your headphones
and have a shitty day afterward,01:59:55
you don't get mad at fate; you go:
"Well, yeah, it's not a real bargain."01:59:58
"I didn't sign a contract
with the universe."02:00:00
When you're 35, with two kids,02:00:04
a wife, a house, a dog,02:00:07
and you suddenly feel unhappy,02:00:10
you go:02:00:12
"Motherfucker!"02:00:14
"I did everything right!
Why the fuck am I unhappy?"02:00:18
"Where's my happiness?
I did everything I was meant to!"02:00:22
Maybe it wasn't even your
fucking dream.02:00:26
'Cause basically,02:00:28
the moment we're born,
all we are is a blank canvas02:00:32
that our parents paint on
throughout our childhood.02:00:35
They don't let us do it though: "You can't paint
yet. You'll get a chance when you grow up."02:00:39
You grow up, look at it and go: "Mom, dad!
There's no clear space left."02:00:44
"You've painted it all over."02:00:47
Some just forget they were
supposed to paint at all.02:00:52
They get used to the stuff
their parents painted02:00:55
and can't understand why they're
unhappy with the picture.02:00:59
Because all we are, are the things our
parents put into us since we were little.02:01:04
Our name, our faith, our opinions.02:01:07
Just stapled on placeholders.02:01:09
"He'll figure it out later."02:01:11
But some grow up and don't.02:01:14
That's how it works. As a kid, you're told:
do this, don't do that.02:01:17
If you don't reevaluate these things
when you grow up, you just go on...02:01:22
Ever tried yellow snow?02:01:24
"Ehh..." Fucking morons.
It's lemon-flavored!02:01:27
They told you once it's piss,02:01:29
and now you just walk past
the good stuff every day.02:01:34
Popsicle companies make millions
off of you dumbasses.02:01:38
Because you can't challenge
your parents' authority.02:01:41
You're used to this painting.
But where are your strokes?02:01:45
Many are unhappy02:01:47
simply because of over-
bullshitting themselves.02:01:50
Because of all the lies.02:01:52
You know when it's easiest to do?02:01:54
In a relationship.02:01:56
I'm not saying you can't build
a relationship without bullshit.02:02:01
That's not the point. The point is...02:02:03
When you meet someone and you genuinely
care about them and their feelings,02:02:10
you become so afraid of hurting them02:02:12
that you slowly start bullshitting,02:02:16
them, and also yourself.02:02:19
It starts out small. She says:
"Do you like this dress?"02:02:22
And you go: "You're breathtaking!"02:02:25
*click!*02:02:26
And so it begins.02:02:28
It slowly builds up until you can't even
recognize yourself in the mirror,02:02:33
because the layer of bullshit
said out of care is so thick02:02:36
that you can't tell
who you are anymore.02:02:39
She says, "Everything okay?"
You're like, "Never fucking better!"02:02:42
...as you prop up this mountain
of bullshit that's just crushing you.02:02:47
At some point, you start getting
mad at your other half.02:02:50
Because you've sacrificed
so much for her,02:02:54
and she doesn't appreciate it!
What the fuck?02:02:57
Well, why would she appreciate it if she
never asked you to make these sacrifices?02:03:01
You just forced all this shit
on yourself.02:03:03
I know what I'm talking about. I sound so
confident because... I'm talking about myself.02:03:07
I recently realized on a session
with a therapist02:03:11
that I had bullshitted myself so hard02:03:14
that I didn't even know
I had bullshitted myself.02:03:18
I'm one hell of a bullshit master!02:03:21
That's why you come to my shows!
I'm so good at it.02:03:25
I was convinced I was happy.02:03:29
I would've passed
a polygraph test!02:03:31
I spent an hour arguing with her:
"You don't get it! It's fucking great!"02:03:35
She went: "Oh yeah?
You said you wanted A,02:03:39
"but instead you have X, Y and Z."02:03:41
And it was like my eyes opened.
I went: "Shit!"02:03:45
"You mean?.."02:03:46
"Hold the horses!"02:03:48
"If I managed to bullshit myself about
something as fundamental as happiness,02:03:53
"the feeling of happiness,02:03:55
"how much more trash
and bullshit is in there?!"02:03:59
This means...02:04:01
that all of my videos, stand-up gigs,
even this show,02:04:06
everything I said prior,02:04:07
automatically flies out
the fucking window!02:04:10
Because I have no idea who I am
and what I actually believe!02:04:15
For 25 years, I've walked around,
arms akimbo: "I have it all figured out!"02:04:19
...I fucking hadn't even
figured out myself.02:04:22
That's why, shit,
many of you guys02:04:27
just wasted their time.02:04:29
And I don't even mean
this show, guys.02:04:34
(applause start small and grow louder)02:04:38
Oh, and in case I've thrown
you off balance a little,02:04:41
uh, well,02:04:43
here's a classic quote:02:04:45
he says he's sorry and promises
to never do it again.02:04:48
Petersburg! Thank you so much! Wow!02:04:51
(intense cheering and applause)02:04:55
This is the last show of the tour.02:04:57
We filmed the special today.02:04:59
You're fucking awesome!02:05:01
Thank you so much!02:05:03
(cheering, applause)02:05:04
Leave a like,
subscribe to the channel.02:05:07
Have a good night!02:05:09
*thud*Description:
[18+] ВНИМАНИЕ: В видео присутствует большое количество мата, провокационного материала, пошлости и многое другое. Данная запись стендап концерта предназначена для просмотра исключительно лицами старше 18 лет. Мы не несем ответственности за то, что ваши дети смотрят в интернете - это делается не для них. Все, сказанное в рамках этого представления, стоит воспринимать исключительно как комедийный перфоманс, художественное произведение или личную позицию лирического героя, на которой он не настаивает. Мы ничего не пропагандируем, ни к чему не призываем и не пытаемся никого оскорбить. Приятного просмотра! - - - - - - Инстаграм: https://instagram.com/spoontamer Твиттер: https://twitter.com/spoontamer Телеграм: https://t-do.ru/poperechnyi Страница ВК: https://vk.com/spoontamer Группа ВК: https://vk.com/poperechny
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