Download "Stand up-Kevin Hart Stand up comedy! Hilarious & VERY Funny!! The Best"
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Video tags
Subtitles
Russian
00:00:02
[Music]00:00:07
[Music]00:00:18
[Music]00:00:26
um00:00:28
[Music]00:00:30
[Applause]00:00:44
[Music]00:00:56
sit down00:00:58
sit down00:01:00
with the microphone stand down i ain't00:01:02
got me looking small out here does00:01:03
anybody know the truth00:01:05
what's going on is everybody doing good00:01:07
everybody good i like that good moves i00:01:10
like that y'all look good if you're not00:01:12
good you look good00:01:13
a lot of [ __ ] is going on in my life00:01:15
right now just had another baby i got00:01:16
two babies now just had a son00:01:20
not too long ago00:01:21
yeah00:01:23
they both mine i can't say [ __ ] about it00:01:24
either they both mine00:01:26
two kids two car seats that's depressing00:01:29
right there00:01:30
y'all trying to talk to a girl with car00:01:32
seats in your car00:01:34
it won't happen it's depressing man come00:01:36
here baby let me talk to you for a00:01:37
second uh-uh what's that in the back00:01:38
[ __ ] look at me don't focus00:01:41
on the negative just look at the00:01:43
positive now i'm trying to talk to you00:01:45
about some serious stuff now00:01:48
kids man kids change your life make you00:01:51
realize that things are different i know00:01:52
i'm getting older now because of my kids00:01:54
i'm starting to fuss a lot the older you00:01:56
get that's what you do you just wake up00:01:58
angry i don't know what the hell i be00:01:59
mad at00:02:01
you just wake up man when you got more00:02:02
than one kid you just wake up angry hey00:02:04
who got the uh thing with the [ __ ] in00:02:06
the time00:02:08
all right hey hands and babies right now00:02:11
i don't even know what that means hands00:02:13
and beds that's my [ __ ]00:02:18
my son i just yell at my son cause he's00:02:20
not much you know he's a man though so i00:02:21
yell at him just because00:02:24
i get mad hold your head still boy00:02:28
all day00:02:32
that shit's so damn embarrassing that00:02:34
[ __ ] pissed me off man00:02:36
you know how stupid that make you look00:02:38
when company come over your baby just00:02:42
what's wrong with your baby i don't know00:02:43
that put him on his stomach he'd still00:02:45
be trying00:02:48
it's my damn kid though00:02:51
i didn't know that you can get mad at00:02:52
kids the point where you want to fight00:02:55
like you didn't want to fight a kid man00:02:57
kids are [ __ ] like my daughter is an00:02:59
[ __ ]00:03:01
she is like we argue man my daughter00:03:03
honestly argued she can't even talk like00:03:04
she know a couple words right she put a00:03:06
couple sentences together but it's like00:03:07
every time i tell her something she00:03:08
always got something to say back it00:03:10
don't matter what i say she always got00:03:11
to give me something back and it makes00:03:13
me mad we got to argument over juice the00:03:15
other day she came into the room she was00:03:17
like daddy juice i said no you had00:03:19
enough juice go get some water and she00:03:21
looked at me she was like dumber00:03:25
little guys00:03:27
got a juice00:03:29
and i looked at it who the [ __ ] you00:03:31
think you talking to00:03:33
sit your little hands down and get the00:03:35
goddamn i was so mad i was mad because i00:03:38
knew she knew what she was trying to say00:03:40
she just didn't know how to say it00:03:43
like in her mind she was like you black00:03:45
[ __ ] [ __ ]00:03:47
get the juice00:03:49
punk ass daddy00:03:51
i knew that's what she was saying00:03:53
i could tell by her hand movement she00:03:55
jimmy got all this guy um00:03:57
she's like you black [ __ ] [ __ ]00:04:00
i was so mad00:04:02
i want to punch her right in the throat00:04:05
it's my damn baby though00:04:08
it's my daughter man00:04:10
i'm so protective of my kids though i00:04:11
really am i don't even like taking my00:04:13
kids out there much no more not getting00:04:15
arguments with the other kids i don't i00:04:17
think kids play too rough00:04:18
i do me and this boy got into it at00:04:20
chuck e cheese it wasn't it wasn't a00:04:22
fight it was altercation we got into a00:04:23
little altercation because my baby was00:04:25
in the balls he was throwing the balls00:04:27
at my daughter here throwing the balls00:04:29
hitting my daughter right in here00:04:32
my daughter's so damn stupid she thought00:04:33
it was a game she playing00:04:37
[Applause]00:04:39
she like daddy00:04:40
look so i'm getting mad and i throw a00:04:43
ball back i'm pissed off i look at my00:04:45
son he's just looking at the [ __ ]00:04:49
i was mad at the way my family looked as00:04:52
a unit like we didn't00:04:54
we didn't look good as a unit man like00:04:57
my daughter and she taking balls to the00:04:59
face my00:05:00
son's shaking his head and slobbering00:05:02
i'm small we look like a [ __ ] circus00:05:05
hat00:05:06
i'm so pissed off00:05:08
i never been so mad at my wife in my00:05:10
life i said why would you dress us in00:05:12
different colors we look like clowns00:05:14
from now on solid colors when we go out00:05:17
we look like a team solid colors00:05:20
my damn kids though man00:05:23
you got to accept you accept what you00:05:25
had except the life that you chose i00:05:28
don't mind the pressure that comes with00:05:29
kids though i can take that pressure i00:05:31
don't like the pressure that women put00:05:32
on men i think women put way too much00:05:34
pressure on me they do y'all even00:05:35
realize how much pressure you've been on00:05:36
man is that your lady right there man00:05:38
all right how long y'all been together00:05:40
all right so you know what i mean when i00:05:41
say pressure like she expects a lot from00:05:43
you she wants you to to provide for her00:05:46
and protect her whether you realize it00:05:47
or not she do like right now have a fire00:05:50
breakout right now big-ass fire00:05:52
go up in flames first thing she gonna do00:05:54
is look at you00:05:56
[Applause]00:06:00
and you got to come up with a plan in00:06:02
her mind you know baby get on my back00:06:04
i'ma bust us out of here she wouldn't00:06:06
want to hear something stupid like that00:06:07
[ __ ] you better stop drop and roll and00:06:09
find that exit00:06:11
i'm scared too but that's what women00:06:13
want women like that security i'm a00:06:15
great provider i got money i can pay for00:06:17
stuff i don't mind that i'm not a00:06:18
protector that's what that's where i'm00:06:21
like not that guy you know what i mean00:06:23
like women you want every guy to fight00:06:24
for you that's not me i'm not a fighter00:06:26
i won't say that i am i will never00:06:28
pretend to be that's not who i am prime00:06:31
example let's say me and you go to the00:06:32
movies right we're at the movies we00:06:33
having a good time i don't know where00:06:35
some guy come up smack you in the face00:06:36
real hard00:06:38
if you and me then you just got smacked00:06:40
that's something that just00:06:42
i'm being honest all right i'm not i'm00:06:44
not gonna do nothing about it now we can00:06:46
talk about it when we get in the car00:06:48
let's00:06:49
let's figure out why it happened and and00:06:52
see what we can do to prevent it from00:06:54
happening again but00:06:56
as far as me like just going and doing00:06:57
something about it i'm not gonna [ __ ]00:06:58
do it because if he didn't care about00:06:59
your face i know you don't give a [ __ ]00:07:01
about mine00:07:03
that's common sense two two black eyes00:07:05
ain't gonna get us home somebody got the00:07:07
drive that's what i'm good at i'm a00:07:09
witness i saw everything00:07:11
when he hit you i got behind the vending00:07:13
machine because i didn't want him to00:07:14
know that we were together it's none of00:07:16
his business who i'm with00:07:17
i can't believe he kicked you when you00:07:19
failed that's that's00:07:21
where i got upset because you gave up00:07:22
you didn't want to fight no more00:07:24
why would he put his boot to your face00:07:26
that's just disgusting to me00:07:28
he should be shocked00:07:32
seeing too many people get knocked out00:07:34
that's why i like to fight man00:07:36
you ever see somebody get knocked out00:07:37
man like knocked out i'm talking about00:07:40
in person like you you witnessed00:07:42
somebody getting knocked the hell out it00:07:43
changes your opinion on fighting doesn't00:07:44
it when you see somebody get knocked out00:07:46
you don't want to fight no more like00:07:47
damn that [ __ ] look like it hurt i don't00:07:49
i don't know if i want to00:07:50
i saw somebody get knocked out man my00:07:51
boy we had a club right we having a good00:07:53
time we partying00:07:55
get00:07:57
getting money we having a good time00:07:59
right00:08:00
out of nowhere00:08:01
that's how we party because we're both00:08:02
small we don't i don't hang for tall00:08:04
people it was just us00:08:06
right so00:08:07
out of nowhere he gets to arguing with00:08:09
this guy at the bar the guy at the bar00:08:11
got mad punched my boy in the face bow00:08:13
as soon as he hit him my friend fell00:08:15
asleep00:08:19
when he woke up he got mad at me he was00:08:21
like kev how come you ain't get him i00:08:23
was like you know what that's some00:08:24
selfish [ __ ] because00:08:26
i just saw what he was capable of you00:08:28
know what i mean like he he made you go00:08:29
to sleep i'm not tired i'm wide awake00:08:32
[Applause]00:08:33
i took a nap why would i walk right into00:08:35
that ass with him that's stupid00:08:38
if he hit me and i go to sleep who's00:08:39
gonna wake him up you understand what00:08:41
i'm saying00:08:43
i don't want that problem anybody trying00:08:44
to fall asleep at the bar that's how you00:08:45
get raped everybody knows00:08:48
the percentages of rapes happen when00:08:49
people fall asleep at the bar i promise00:08:51
you00:08:52
i'm just telling y'all the stuff that i00:08:53
know00:08:55
i saw my uncle get knocked out one time00:08:57
that might have been the funniest [ __ ]00:08:58
i've ever seen in my life cause he was00:08:59
at a family reunion first of all it's a00:09:01
fan reunion it's a picnic it's kidding00:09:03
[ __ ] around it's a time for fun mother00:09:05
got drunk he get into argument with this00:09:07
guy over picnic space you're like hey00:09:09
man you and your kids y'all not no00:09:11
hearts i need to get the hell out this00:09:12
picnic space and the guy was you know00:09:14
guys like look dude i don't mind moving00:09:16
but don't curse me in front of my kids00:09:17
so my uncle was drunk he went to curse00:09:19
again but before he got it out the guy00:09:20
hit him you ever seen somebody get hit00:09:22
so hard they trying to grab everything00:09:24
on the way down00:09:26
it happened so fast00:09:28
he's like i was like let me tell you00:09:30
something00:09:34
the system made me laugh is that he was00:09:36
looking at him the whole way down00:09:40
all right just go down fall [ __ ] man00:09:43
messing up the picnic change came out00:09:45
his pocket i ain't never seen somebody00:09:47
get hit so hard that chains come out00:09:49
they jeans00:09:51
when they standing up you know how hard00:09:53
a [ __ ] gotta hit you00:09:55
for loose change to come out your jeans00:09:58
as soon as you got hit thirty five cent00:10:00
flew out of power00:10:02
i said god damn00:10:04
he's not 35 cent out of oakville junior00:10:07
pocket00:10:08
ain't never seen nobody get hit there00:10:11
these are things that i've seen i've00:10:12
witnessed this man you got to know who00:10:14
you are as an individual if you're not a00:10:16
fighter understand that you're not a00:10:17
fighter i know i'm not a fighter that's00:10:19
why i carry a whistle i'll grow the [ __ ]00:10:21
out of a whistle in somebody's face00:10:23
[ __ ] me if you want to you're gonna win00:10:24
the fight but you ain't gonna hear [ __ ]00:10:25
tomorrow [ __ ]00:10:28
put that whistle in your face [ __ ]00:10:30
it's kind of hard to find a whistle00:10:34
you got to know what you're good at what00:10:35
you're not good at00:10:37
i'm a good arguer i can argue but i also00:10:40
you also got to know how to get out of00:10:41
things when you argue now you have to00:10:43
argue with somebody and then they get up00:10:45
and then your mind you know you feel a00:10:47
little different about the fight you got00:10:48
to know how to get out of it you don't00:10:50
have to fight when you don't think00:10:51
you're going to win there's certain00:10:52
things you can do to let a person know00:10:53
that you're not ready to fight i was00:10:54
arguing with this guy we had a club he's00:10:56
sitting down i'm like dude i said you00:10:57
know what say something else to me i00:10:59
promise you i'm gonna smack the [ __ ] at00:11:01
you and i mean that say something else00:11:03
i'ma smack the [ __ ] at you like that's00:11:05
my thug look right there00:11:07
you know thugs get the clap in their00:11:08
hands and stand up say something else00:11:12
on everything i love i'm gonna smack the00:11:14
[ __ ] out you be for real and he got up00:11:17
and he was bigger than i thought he was00:11:18
now like come on give me a hug bring it00:11:20
in00:11:21
i'm serious this is stupid come on man00:11:23
there's no reason for us to ask you00:11:25
can't fight nobody doing this come on00:11:26
man00:11:28
it's ways to let people know that you00:11:30
don't want to fight00:11:31
i got one fight move if you get past00:11:34
that i don't i don't know what to do i'm00:11:35
confused i'm gonna let y'all see some00:11:36
classified [ __ ] right now this is00:11:38
classified okay this is my fight move00:11:41
what who are you talking to00:11:43
what don't make me laugh this is serious00:11:45
all right00:11:46
it's serious right now i'm about to show00:11:48
y'all my fight move all right00:11:50
what00:11:51
are you talking to00:11:52
do you don't know don't don't talk like00:11:54
you know me [ __ ] say something00:11:57
that's it00:12:00
that's it00:12:01
it's real quick00:12:03
that's classified all right00:12:05
i'll show y'all one more time you get00:12:06
one more peek at it00:12:08
let me give y'all one more chance to see00:12:09
it all right00:12:10
it's real quick what00:12:12
are you talking to00:12:14
dude you don't even know me you don't00:12:16
even know00:12:17
say something00:12:18
that's it00:12:20
that's all it is00:12:21
it's a quick shuffle of the feet that's00:12:23
all i got [Applause]00:12:25
if you get past that i'm done i don't00:12:26
know what to do00:12:27
it confuses people you can even think00:12:29
i'm about to kick you punch you happy00:12:31
feet you don't know what it is00:12:33
there's a lot of different combinations00:12:34
that come across with that move00:12:38
you got to know what you're good at as00:12:39
an individual man00:12:41
i don't know i'm good at seeing things00:12:42
i'm good at noticing things like i00:12:44
remember one of my friends got jumped00:12:45
one time and i was with him i ran the00:12:48
reason why i ran is because i saw it00:12:50
coming like you know like you know when00:12:53
you see stuff coming you start to break00:12:54
it down on your own wait oh [ __ ] wait oh00:12:57
no just don't look good they look angry00:12:59
oh i took off00:13:01
i'ma tell you what's bad about running00:13:02
on somebody it's real bad when you run00:13:04
on somebody and they survive the jumping00:13:07
like like00:13:08
like because then when you see him you00:13:10
don't know what to say like i didn't00:13:11
know what to say to him i was like hey00:13:14
look who's alive hey man00:13:16
how did you make it out of there up top00:13:18
no nothing all right00:13:23
no up top nothing00:13:26
i saw i saw somebody get kicked in the00:13:28
face before that [ __ ] was funny00:13:31
i think if you get kicked in the face00:13:32
you deserved it because that means that00:13:33
you watch the foot come to your face00:13:36
you have to be an [ __ ] to fight00:13:37
somebody using their feet00:13:39
the person i saw kicked in the face the00:13:41
reason why i laughed is because when he00:13:42
got kicked he looked at us for00:13:44
confirmation00:13:45
like00:13:46
like he needed approval on what just00:13:48
happened he's ah yo [ __ ] yeah00:13:52
like it was him yeah00:13:54
better look at his other foot but he00:13:56
kicked you again he's good that guy's00:13:58
good00:13:59
he knows what he's doing00:14:00
would you fight somebody using their00:14:02
feet man like if we go to fight i'm00:14:04
gonna tell you put your hands up put00:14:05
your hands up let's fight now if i go to00:14:07
fight you and you start stretching00:14:11
i mean you know some [ __ ] i don't know00:14:13
i'm not gonna fight you00:14:15
i had an incident where a guy started00:14:17
well he tried he didn't use it on me but00:14:19
he was going to attempt to use his feet00:14:21
i was with my mom right me and my mom00:14:23
we're in the parking lot of best buy i'm00:14:24
looking for a parking space now all the00:14:26
spaces was took it but it was one truck00:14:28
about to back into this parking spot but00:14:29
he's taking too long so i got mad i00:14:31
stole it i whipped into the spot real00:14:33
fast00:14:34
like you know you know when you're wrong00:14:35
because you put your head down and roll00:14:36
your windows00:14:38
you don't want to look at him you start00:14:39
humming00:14:41
[Applause]00:14:42
out of nowhere the guy got a truck he00:14:44
was like yo man i know you saw me about00:14:46
to back into that spot if you back out00:14:47
or we're gonna have a problem chinese00:14:49
guy right now with my mom it's not gonna00:14:51
be no [ __ ] i thought i guess we got a00:14:52
problem this is how i know i didn't want00:14:54
this problem this is exactly what we did00:14:55
to me00:14:56
oh so we got a problem00:14:58
do we00:15:00
[Applause]00:15:07
get get in the car get in the car man00:15:10
anybody to smack their knees twice is an00:15:12
assassin00:15:14
kick your goddamn temple off your face00:15:16
that's what they're about to do00:15:18
my mom tried why are we getting the00:15:19
goddamn car00:15:21
wait kill us mom00:15:26
know who to fight who not the fight man00:15:29
i would love to be a thug i swear i wish00:15:31
i could be a thug i don't have it in me00:15:33
like i don't have those thug qualities00:15:34
in me i was actually talking to this00:15:35
thug dude i was in dc not too long ago00:15:38
right and i talked to this guy we might00:15:40
talk for about 15 minutes i swear to you00:15:42
i don't know00:15:43
what we were talking about but he was so00:15:46
passionate about the stuff that he was00:15:47
saying that's the only reason why i00:15:48
stayed there to listen exactly he said00:15:50
it's not even a joke this is actually00:15:51
how he's talking to me he's like yeah i00:15:53
mean i'm talking to dude right man then00:15:54
we talking he told me00:15:57
right00:15:58
right so i'm like00:16:00
right here00:16:01
they come to me i'm like yeah i'm saying00:16:03
here00:16:05
i'm saying flip that press that00:16:18
all right00:16:30
[Applause]00:16:34
i was so confused i thought i was a00:16:36
witness i said did i see this00:16:38
was out of here00:16:40
i don't want to be a part of it is what00:16:41
i'm saying00:16:42
i might have been so afraid in my life00:16:44
man00:16:47
i just don't do good with thug stuff00:16:50
thug activity00:16:52
i had one thug dude tell me he was gonna00:16:53
pop the trunk on me one time00:16:56
did i say something else i'ma pop the00:16:57
trunk on your [ __ ] ass everybody ran i00:16:59
was like well where'd you park00:17:02
and looked at me like i was crazy man00:17:04
get out of there i just wanna know how00:17:05
far it was i could00:17:07
i might not have to run we could catch00:17:08
the train and still get home00:17:14
i wish i could be a rapper or some [ __ ]00:17:16
i really do you know why i can't be a00:17:18
rapper don't man cause my voice ain't00:17:19
deep enough to be a rapper you need a00:17:21
deep voice that's the only way people00:17:22
want to listen to you on a regular basis00:17:24
i don't think nobody will buy my album00:17:25
cause my voice is too small00:17:28
yeah [ __ ] i'm a killer i shoot you in00:17:30
your face00:17:37
[Applause]00:17:43
i'm not buying that [ __ ] if he said00:17:45
patreon ain't nowhere00:17:49
certain [ __ ] just keeps you from being00:17:50
tough you won't know what's really00:17:52
keeping me from being tough look at this00:17:53
this is really holding me back look at00:17:55
this [ __ ] here look at this00:17:56
look at this [ __ ] look at00:17:58
this this is really [ __ ] me up man00:18:02
there's ain't nothing tough about this00:18:03
it don't matter what you say ain't00:18:04
nobody gonna take you serious if you00:18:05
swing your feet it don't matter i will00:18:08
kill everybody in this [ __ ] tonight00:18:10
[ __ ] playing with y'all y'all00:18:12
think it's a game00:18:14
no i'm sick of it i'm sick of the way00:18:15
people treat me around here00:18:16
would you talk to a guy who swung his00:18:18
feet00:18:19
if you had a club and i tried to talk to00:18:20
you come on baby let me handle you for a00:18:21
second you girl you know damn well who00:18:23
i'm talking to wait a second let me00:18:25
climb down and get my feet together wait00:18:26
a minute now00:18:30
rappers make me laugh though i swear00:18:32
rappers are funny man you ever see00:18:34
rappers freestyle like when they be00:18:36
battling each other you ever notice the00:18:37
more angry rapper get the higher his00:18:39
hands get you ever notice that00:18:42
they start off so kind like00:18:45
this is rappers when they freestyle you00:18:46
like to do just to do when he be00:18:48
listening to the other guy00:18:58
[Applause]00:19:00
you ready no i got him i got him b00:19:04
wait this is really how they look00:19:09
real talk00:19:15
hey00:19:17
it's not a rapper00:19:19
i'm really trying to be a rapper right00:19:20
now00:19:22
like this this is the real angry rapper00:19:26
real talk00:19:27
i kill [ __ ] i say [ __ ] that don't00:19:30
love it [ __ ] you want to beat me to get00:19:32
it i give it back00:19:43
he'd be trying to follow his hands it's00:19:44
like he's crazy he's about to kill me00:19:45
he's going to come here00:19:48
i can't be that guy man00:19:51
i want to be it's so much stuff that i00:19:53
wanted to do that i'm realizing now that00:19:54
i can't do like i wanted to be a singer00:19:56
i want to be a r b singer for a long00:19:58
time but i can't sing but i can dance my00:20:00
ass off if anybody in here is trying to00:20:02
be a singer i'm about to tell you what00:20:03
you need to know to make it all right00:20:05
it's some more classified stuff00:20:07
all you know how to do is open your00:20:08
hands close them and point that's it00:20:12
i know what sound crazy y'all like what00:20:13
but i'm telling y'all it looked good00:20:14
watch this i'm not gonna sing nothing00:20:16
but tell me this don't look like i'm00:20:17
about to say some stuff look at this00:20:32
you know [ __ ]00:20:33
[Applause]00:20:35
[Music]00:20:37
what are you gonna say girl00:20:41
that or the slide out you know the slide00:20:43
out is you have to see the old group and00:20:45
the whole group being a thing00:20:47
like the temptations of somebody you00:20:48
never know who the lead singer is so00:20:49
they slide out maybe like this they00:20:52
slide out and start singing00:20:54
that's the best [ __ ] ever because they00:20:55
be talking [ __ ] they're like these00:20:56
[ __ ] don't even know what's about to00:20:57
hit him00:20:58
i'm about to slide out00:21:02
he's good this guy's good he's good00:21:06
i was working out and everything serious00:21:08
about my singing career had to stop00:21:10
working out some naked guy tried to talk00:21:12
to me in the gym i ain't like that00:21:14
he was ass naked trying to have a00:21:15
conversation with me while i was at my00:21:17
locker i'm getting my stuff out my00:21:18
locker he came up to me he's like hey00:21:20
man so how long have you been a member00:21:21
and i was like why is your dick heart00:21:23
what kind of gym is this00:21:24
what's about to happen man00:21:26
i got a little butt that's the first00:21:28
thing i think about00:21:29
i didn't have my whistle if i had my00:21:31
whistle i would have felt better00:21:33
i didn't want to ask for the hug cause00:21:34
he was hard i don't want that [ __ ]00:21:36
poking me in the belly button that's00:21:37
kind of like intercourse a little bit00:21:40
i didn't want to feel that00:21:42
i might have been gay you put it in my00:21:44
belly button i'm gay00:21:46
you okay yeah you put it in my belly00:21:48
button that's gotta be good00:21:53
serious i'm just telling y'all the stuff00:21:54
that i know these are things i've been00:21:55
through man00:21:57
i really was serious about working out00:21:58
you honestly wanna know why i stopped00:21:59
going to the gym though i saw one of00:22:01
them real strong guys you ever seen them00:22:02
real big dudes00:22:04
real huge i'm saying no neck just being00:22:06
a gym working out00:22:08
i saw him one day and i just got mad i00:22:09
was like dude why are you still here00:22:11
that's it you want00:22:13
you got them all what are you like why00:22:15
are you still here like y'all don't00:22:16
understand how mad that make me when you00:22:19
that big for no reason00:22:21
like if you don't get that big it's got00:22:23
to be a reason you know what i'm saying00:22:24
like when i ask you why are you working00:22:26
out you should tell me i'm training for00:22:27
the olympics i'm about to enter the00:22:29
strong man competition something it's00:22:31
got to be a [ __ ] reason but when you00:22:33
that big and you work for t-mobile when00:22:35
you answer the phones00:22:37
you you strong your [ __ ] you can't even00:22:39
handle the headset00:22:42
hello00:22:43
hello00:22:44
[Applause]00:22:45
there you go00:22:52
you start moving [ __ ] around the office00:22:54
because00:22:57
there you go00:23:00
put your strong unproductive ass down00:23:03
man00:23:04
strong [ __ ] with a headset they didn't00:23:06
went to 37 headsets this month00:23:09
because your hands too [ __ ] strong00:23:11
for00:23:12
good boss another one00:23:17
it's five today balls00:23:19
take them on my check00:23:23
i don't know how to use the equipment00:23:25
either i don't know how to use none of the00:23:26
equipment man cause equipment getting00:23:28
too serious now like there was a time00:23:30
when it's regular you knew what it was00:23:32
it said the instruction now they got all00:23:33
those universal machines and stuff i was00:23:36
trying to work my legs the other day and00:23:38
you know you know the leg machine that00:23:40
goes like this like you sit on a00:23:42
you know come out well i get there and00:23:45
it was reclined down like it was all00:23:47
flat on one level so i thought it was00:23:49
arms so i said okay i'm gonna work my00:23:51
arms00:23:52
[Applause]00:23:58
my face was burning and everything00:24:01
i'm doing something right you know so i00:24:03
got up and when i got up some guy came00:24:05
and sat down right where my face was00:24:09
because hey man i tried to tell him hey00:24:11
you're doing that wrong that's arms he's00:24:13
like no00:24:14
this is legs00:24:16
that's why my face was burning because00:24:17
i've been smelling people's balls all00:24:19
goddamn i was so pissed off because i00:24:21
did three sets he watched me do00:24:24
three sets00:24:26
he just stood by the machine there you00:24:27
go00:24:29
that's it00:24:30
pull it up pull it up00:24:33
smack me on the ass and everything come00:24:35
on now00:24:36
shall i set pull it00:24:39
i like that00:24:42
i don't i don't like those guys that try00:24:44
to make a scene at the gym either you00:24:46
know see the guys just trying to get00:24:47
everybody to look at him before they00:24:48
lift something like i'm on the treadmill00:24:50
right i'm walking on a treadmill for00:24:52
some reason i can't run i don't know00:24:53
what it is so i just walk with my00:24:54
blackberry i just people watch right but00:24:57
this guy he was either going to jail or00:24:59
he just got out it was one of the other00:25:01
like he was he was one of those bigs00:25:03
like the little big right00:25:05
this this is the weight bench right here00:25:07
right this is the weight bench he had00:25:09
like 345 plates right here again 34500:25:12
plates here but he didn't want to lift00:25:13
it until he knew everybody in the gym00:25:14
was looking at it00:25:16
that's exactly what he was doing00:25:25
[Applause]00:26:04
i was just looking i know he about to do00:26:06
this [ __ ] he won't do it00:26:08
he never did it he just left he just00:26:09
walked out the show00:26:12
who does that who gets somebody that00:26:14
excited and then don't finish it00:26:16
i was pissed off why don't you play with00:26:18
me like that and then not lift it00:26:22
really trying to get big man i was00:26:24
serious about the gym00:26:26
you know something else i thought jim's00:26:27
gonna do for me though i thought jim was00:26:28
gonna help me mentally i had a lot of00:26:30
mental stuff i was trying to get over00:26:31
phobias and stuff and i said you know00:26:33
you get a little bigger feel better00:26:35
about yourself you don't worry about the00:26:36
stuff you're afraid of county phobias00:26:40
not what you think of you ain't scared00:26:41
of nothing huh00:26:43
you have a wake up and an alligator in00:26:44
your room or some [ __ ]00:26:46
let you be scared of that you wake up00:26:48
ass naked dick swinging hey00:26:52
get a blanket get a blanket00:26:55
that's a bad feeling right there00:26:57
i'm afraid of a lot of stuff man00:26:59
everything i'm afraid i'm afraid of for00:27:00
a reason though i don't want you i'm00:27:02
thinking oh i think it's funny i just00:27:03
say i'm afraid of some stuff like00:27:04
something's happened to me and that's00:27:06
what i'm afraid of something i'm afraid00:27:07
of like i don't i don't like gorillas00:27:09
i'm real scared of gorillas00:27:12
i am because it was daddy day i was at00:27:13
the zoo it's me and my babies you know00:27:15
i'm saying i'm by myself00:27:17
i got my my son in my arm my daughter00:27:18
right here we're looking at the gorillas00:27:20
when i'm looking at the grill i'm trying00:27:21
to explain to my daughter what a gorilla00:27:23
is you know while i'm talking the00:27:25
gorillas smack the glass real hard00:27:28
i'm talking about hard as [ __ ] like00:27:31
you know i'm talking to my baby my baby00:27:32
that's a silverback gorilla okay they00:27:34
call it the silverback cause it's got a00:27:35
silver thing going down his back while00:27:37
i'm talking to girls smack the [ __ ] out00:27:38
the glass in my mind he just got loose00:27:42
he's out00:27:44
i never got out the zoo so00:27:46
fast in my life i mean like dude i was00:27:49
hall assing out the suit but like you00:27:52
know when you're running you think00:27:53
somebody's about to catch you and you00:27:54
feel it on your neck like i was running00:27:56
but i felt something oh [ __ ] the gorilla00:27:59
about to grab me because it felt like00:28:00
somebody was doing this and i was like i00:28:01
gotta do something i gotta get the00:28:02
gorilla of me i ain't know what to do i00:28:04
panic so i dropped my baby i said00:28:08
it looked like an accident ah00:28:11
they're like you dropped your baby00:28:14
i had to save myself i didn't like that00:28:17
i'm serious00:28:21
very very serious00:28:23
that's where i'm at though man i don't00:28:25
i'm just scared of a lot of [ __ ]00:28:28
i don't like gnats i'm scared of gnats00:28:31
i am you know i'm to my little ass nats00:28:33
right cause me and my mom we was in the00:28:35
park right i was like nine years old and00:28:37
i walked into a bushel of them you ever00:28:39
seen nats when they fly together it's00:28:40
like a thousand gnats in a circle where00:28:42
i walked into that [ __ ] and i panicked i00:28:43
didn't know00:28:45
i didn't know what to do i stayed there00:28:54
all my mom had to do is grab my hand and00:28:57
pulled me out the net00:28:59
my mom's so damn dramatic my mom made it00:29:01
worse because she started yelling she00:29:02
somebody getting my baby out the nest00:29:06
than that eating my baby00:29:08
jesus christ00:29:10
when i heard jesus i thought it was real00:29:13
[Applause] [Music]00:29:15
i thought they was eating me00:29:18
i punched this girl in the face because00:29:19
of a nap one time00:29:22
then me and this girl was talking we was00:29:24
having a real intimate conversation00:29:26
while we were talking a nat flew by00:29:28
like00:29:29
i was trying to get rid of the nap but00:29:30
she was so close she caught the worst of00:29:32
it like you know we were talking i'm00:29:34
like yeah baby you know you should come00:29:35
over after she was all right i don't00:29:36
mind i said look i'm parked right here00:29:38
just pull around that way you can follow00:29:40
me yeah matter of fact00:29:45
i looked up she was like00:29:46
[Applause]00:29:48
you didn't see that bigger ass in that00:29:51
net try to lay egg on my face it was a00:29:53
pregnant nap i know a pregnant nap when00:29:55
i see what00:29:56
pregnant tried to kill me00:29:59
i'll tell you all what i know i've seen00:30:01
it and so it happened to me man00:30:04
i don't like dolphins i'm scared of00:30:05
dolphins00:30:07
i am me and my wife who was in maui00:30:09
right when maui should i come on baby we00:30:11
should go some of the dolphins i was00:30:12
like nah i told you how i feel about00:30:13
them dolphins [ __ ] come on stop being a00:30:15
[ __ ] let's just do it00:30:17
don't call me no [ __ ] she's like [ __ ]00:30:20
man whatever you know we all gotta come00:30:21
back so you just gotta00:30:23
you stupid that's all i had i didn't00:30:24
have nothing else to say so we go we go00:30:27
we get there they got the dolphins in00:30:29
this tank there's like eight dolphins in00:30:30
this tank right when i get that i see00:30:32
this old lady on the back of a dolphin i00:30:34
see this little boy i'm like you know00:30:35
what babe i might even overreact and get00:30:37
the camera take some pictures of me on00:30:39
the back of the dolphin i was hyped00:30:40
right00:30:41
i get in the water i went back to the00:30:43
dolphin the instructor he was like soon00:30:44
as you grab the dolphin finn the dog's00:30:46
gonna start taking it around so whenever00:30:47
you're ready grab his fingers all right00:30:48
cool i'm ready00:30:50
as soon as i grabbed my dolphin thin my00:30:52
dolphin went straight to the bottom of00:30:54
the tank like he just went down00:30:56
so so because i was scared i didn't let00:30:58
go i held on like you know when you00:31:01
scared how you start to mentally create00:31:02
[ __ ] in your own mind i was like okay00:31:05
it's obvious that i got a racist dolphin00:31:07
he don't00:31:08
he don't like black people he doesn't00:31:10
hit him cut his head with a shark bring00:31:11
them a black piece of meat something bad00:31:13
about to happen right so i let go i get00:31:15
to the top when i let go i'm so scared i00:31:18
start snapping on the instructor as soon00:31:19
as i see him i was like nobody saw00:31:22
[ __ ] dolphin number eight missing huh00:31:25
huh yeah y'all didn't notice i was going00:31:26
for like 30 seconds he tried to kill me00:31:29
he tried to kill me00:31:30
i was mad i was so [ __ ] scared i like00:31:34
y'all see the old lady and a little boy00:31:35
but nobody saw the black [ __ ] swirl00:31:38
missing00:31:39
huh nobody noticed that the black dot00:31:41
wasn't going around y'all didn't notice00:31:43
that he's like calm down man calm down00:31:46
it's three feet just stand up okay what00:31:50
what'd he say00:31:52
i didn't even realize that i was walking00:31:54
and talking [ __ ]00:31:57
at the same time come to find out i00:31:59
never even went underwater what happened00:32:00
was00:32:02
some water splashed in my face00:32:05
and i panicked00:32:07
[Music]00:32:08
i made it up i made it all up00:32:12
i was scared00:32:14
i never lied that fast in my life00:32:17
he was racist though i know he was00:32:18
raised you know i know he was racist00:32:20
because when i got the water you're not00:32:21
dogging my kid kid they've been doing00:32:22
that like get it well he looked at me00:32:24
he's like [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ]00:32:27
what00:32:28
blew my whistle in his face i don't play00:32:30
that [ __ ] he don't work there i got him00:32:32
fired00:32:34
i know people00:32:36
what else do i like i don't like00:32:37
ostriches i'm scared of ostriches00:32:40
for those people don't know what an00:32:41
ostrich is it's a big ass bird that's00:32:43
the same size as me these birds are huge00:32:45
okay i'm in nebraska doing a show in00:32:47
nebraska i had to pee so i'm on the side00:32:49
of the road i'm peeing right i get done00:32:51
peeing i look to my left it's a big-ass00:32:53
ostrich looking at me while i'm peeing00:32:55
he was standing on one leg like this00:32:57
his body was facing this way but his00:32:59
head his head was like this00:33:01
[Applause]00:33:03
now i didn't know what it was so i00:33:05
didn't say anything00:33:06
my friend got the car he's like yo00:33:07
what's that i don't know it's like a big00:33:09
ass man pigeon i don't know00:33:11
i don't know what it is right00:33:13
he's like there ain't no man pigeon i00:33:15
was like it is a man pigeon he took a00:33:16
pen he threw an ink panetta right soon00:33:18
as he threw a pin at it hit the ostrich00:33:20
in the chest as soon as he hit the00:33:21
ostrich his other leg came down his body00:33:23
was still facing this way but his head00:33:25
was him still like this00:33:27
now00:33:29
when his leg came down this is when the00:33:31
[ __ ] started to come out of me a little00:33:33
bit00:33:34
i was like you know what we should00:33:36
um we should we should probably go get00:33:39
back in the car because00:33:41
because we don't really know what that00:33:43
means you know what i mean like that00:33:45
that that could be a sign that can mean00:33:47
like you got 10 seconds to get the [ __ ]00:33:48
out my face00:33:50
before i kill you i'm gonna eat your00:33:51
kids we don't we don't know what he's00:33:54
trying to say so let's just get back in00:33:55
the car we say that so we get in the car00:33:57
as soon as we get in the car and start00:33:59
laughing i'm like ah00:34:01
you're a [ __ ] man like no you're a00:34:03
[ __ ] i don't know you're a [ __ ] i'm00:34:04
laughing i'm driving like 30 miles per00:34:06
hour i look out the passenger window the00:34:09
ostrich was running 30 miles per hour00:34:12
beside the car his body was still facing00:34:14
this way00:34:15
but his head was still like this00:34:18
he was hard ass00:34:21
at 30 miles per hour now when i'm scared00:34:24
like if i'm real real scared i get00:34:25
emotional i'll start to cry if i'm real00:34:28
real scared so i got a little emotional00:34:30
you know i looked at my friend00:34:31
i was like00:34:33
why would you00:34:35
why would you throw a pen at it00:34:38
if00:34:39
if if if we if we don't even know00:34:42
what it is00:34:45
no no no i'm not saying that i'm saying00:34:48
like i'm saying we don't even know what00:34:51
it is00:34:52
[Applause]00:34:56
he's like dude stop bitching speed up00:34:57
speed up i lied to y'all now i started00:35:00
driving like 60 miles per hour when i00:35:02
tell y'all that this ostrich was running00:35:04
60 miles per hour i'm not bullshitting00:35:07
his body was still facing this way00:35:09
but his head was still like this he was00:35:11
running something you couldn't even see00:35:12
his legs he was going so [ __ ] fast he00:35:14
was he was moving and the reason why i00:35:16
was so scared is because he never looked00:35:18
in front of him like he didn't care00:35:20
about a wall00:35:23
another ostrich he was just looking at00:35:25
us but the way he was looking at us is00:35:26
like he was saying when i catch y'all00:35:28
i'ma [ __ ] both y'all up00:35:30
over a pen00:35:32
over a goddamn pen00:35:34
and i was like why don't you just00:35:36
apologize you know what i'm saying like00:35:38
because i didn't throw the pen i was00:35:40
scared that's the only time i ever [ __ ]00:35:41
on myself in my life00:35:43
i've never shielded myself but i let go00:35:45
that time i let loose00:35:47
i really did because i had i had to go00:35:49
i really did not [ __ ] on myself before00:35:51
this guy tried to stick me up00:35:53
this guy came at me with a gun he's like00:35:54
give me your money [ __ ] all of it run00:35:56
it come on man00:36:00
he was like what's that smell like i00:36:01
[ __ ] it he's like get your ass out of00:36:03
here everybody's gonna smell that while00:36:05
they taking your money man00:36:09
i was honest that's what it's about00:36:13
i think that's probably all women don't00:36:14
respect me because i'm so honest00:36:16
serious my wife don't respect me i know00:36:17
she though00:36:18
you feel like you lady respect you man00:36:20
you have a fight00:36:23
no00:36:24
never felt like this fight like a good00:36:26
one never00:36:28
you've never tried to hit him ever00:36:31
no00:36:32
you tried to hit him00:36:33
i'm tell you something i'm being honest00:36:35
with you i promote domestic violence i00:36:36
think i think if you're in a no i know00:36:39
it sounds crazy00:36:40
i'm telling y'all some real stuff i00:36:41
think if you're in a relationship and00:36:43
your woman is never trying to hit you00:36:44
she don't love you any woman that love00:36:46
you is gonna try to hurt you at some00:36:47
point in time when you make her mad00:36:49
that's how i know you got a good woman i00:36:50
don't mind that i don't like hypocrites00:36:52
i don't like women that are hypocrites00:36:54
like any female that like dear man to00:36:56
hit her for three hours it didn't act00:36:58
surprised when he do it i don't i don't00:36:59
like that00:37:01
i know i don't like that you ever see00:37:03
that y'all see a woman talk all that00:37:04
[ __ ] and then act like she don't know00:37:05
where the consequences came from yeah00:37:07
yeah let me tell you i wish you would00:37:10
put your hands on me no no no no i wish00:37:14
you would no no see let me tell you00:37:15
something see you think i'm one of these00:37:16
regular [ __ ] that won't fight too bad00:37:19
that's the thing let me tell you00:37:20
something i promise you boo-boo00:37:22
[Music]00:37:24
hey you ever have a girl slow down on00:37:26
you like that but let me tell you00:37:27
something i promise you boo-boo it's not00:37:31
gonna go down the way you think no don't00:37:32
be a [ __ ] don't be a [ __ ] and walk00:37:35
away come back put your hands on me00:37:37
watch what i do00:37:39
[Applause]00:37:46
you're not crazy he's just tired of you00:37:47
talking [ __ ] for three hours that's all00:37:48
that is00:37:50
women y'all know how to push them00:37:52
buttons man00:37:53
y'all talented women y'all got a00:37:55
different level like y'all push y'all00:37:57
push me into a different level of anger00:38:00
like you ever get so mad when you argue00:38:01
with a girl that you can't find words00:38:02
you got to make a noise00:38:05
you the word is right there but you00:38:06
can't get it out you [ __ ] first of all00:38:09
i'm trying to i got all the uh stuff in00:38:12
it oh00:38:16
[ __ ] you don't know where that noise00:38:18
came from you never made that noise00:38:20
every life00:38:22
they make you get to those points you00:38:24
ever outline a girl you know what that00:38:26
is so you put your hands around your00:38:28
lady's face you don't want to hit her00:38:29
you just want to show her what you could00:38:30
do it's a scare tactic it's real fast00:38:33
it's [ __ ] say something else i swear to00:38:35
god00:38:36
that's all it is00:38:37
it's real quick say another swear to god00:38:41
your threats don't even make sense i put00:38:42
your stomach in your face to make you00:38:44
eat yourself what00:38:46
what'd you say00:38:48
stomach in your face make you eat00:38:50
yourself00:38:54
every woman knows how to push a man's00:38:55
buttons00:38:56
that's what you're good at00:38:58
you know how to make your man man you00:39:00
know how to piss him off you know what00:39:02
to say to make him mad he can argue with00:39:04
any other woman in here he's not going00:39:05
to care what they got to say he went00:39:06
shut up beat it get out my face you know00:39:09
how to get a reaction [ __ ] you terrence00:39:11
[ __ ] you in your third ball what00:39:15
my third don't talk about my third ball00:39:18
the doctor said it's a possible medical00:39:20
condition00:39:21
it could be cancer00:39:23
he don't like that00:39:26
you know how to get those reactions out00:39:28
of him00:39:29
like you know what my wife do to make me00:39:30
mad i don't like it when she sing when00:39:32
she get mad i can't stand that00:39:34
i can't stand that when women get so00:39:36
emotional they start singing when they00:39:37
get mad you ain't gonna do00:39:40
[ __ ]00:39:42
[ __ ]00:39:45
you ain't gonna do00:39:47
[ __ ]00:39:49
you ain't gonna [ __ ] you ain't gonna do00:39:52
it you hey girl you [ __ ] you just gotta00:39:56
you just gotta sit there but you ain't00:39:57
gonna do [ __ ] face00:40:01
[Applause]00:40:03
as a face to say you ain't got nothing00:40:04
left00:40:08
that's what women do00:40:11
i mean you play mind games stop00:40:13
forgiving men for stuff and after you00:40:15
forgive them then forgetting that you00:40:16
forgave them and talk about the [ __ ]00:40:18
that you already forgave before and00:40:19
getting mad about it stop doing that he00:40:21
forgave him forgive him there's nothing00:40:23
worse than being a man that messed up in00:40:24
the past and you trying to correct00:40:26
yourself but your woman keep bringing00:40:28
the past up so now every time you tell00:40:29
the truth it sounds like you're lying00:40:31
and when you're lying it sounds like00:40:32
you're telling the truth00:40:34
is that the point in my relationship00:40:35
where i'm afraid for my wife to hear me00:40:36
have fun i've been trying to shut fun00:40:39
down like when she not around and she00:40:40
called me i get mad at my friend shut00:40:42
the [ __ ] up everybody shut up look00:40:45
put your seatbelts on buckle up00:40:47
put your seatbelt on i don't know where00:40:49
she is look safe00:40:52
we're straight ahead until we figure00:40:54
this out00:40:55
she's crazy00:40:58
that's what women do let me tell you how00:41:00
you can tell a bad earth man you know00:41:01
how you can tell a man has been through00:41:02
so much emotionally00:41:04
when you speak to him whenever you speak00:41:06
to a man he starts talking about his00:41:07
relationship without you asking anything00:41:08
about it that's a battered man00:41:11
as soon as you meet him hey how you00:41:13
doing my wife and i go camping every00:41:15
week what00:41:17
she's like cheerios too why do00:41:21
he's battered he thinks that you're one00:41:22
of her friends and she sent you to come00:41:24
talk to him you think it's a setup00:41:26
he's so crazy you think you're five00:41:28
steps ahead of you because he don't know00:41:29
what's what00:41:32
i'm just being honest with y'all i'm00:41:33
telling y'all things that really go on00:41:35
tell you something else fellas know when00:41:37
to fight your woman and when not to00:41:38
fight you woman okay whenever you're in00:41:40
a car don't fight your woman not while00:41:42
you're driving00:41:43
reason why because your face is open00:41:45
okay00:41:48
you don't have any defense i'm telling00:41:49
you guys from i'm telling you guys from00:41:52
from my past i'm telling you about00:41:54
things i've went through okay you don't00:41:56
want to do it this is when i first found00:41:57
out my lady was crazy we was on the00:41:59
highway and she hit me first of all00:42:00
anybody that hits you when you're on the00:42:01
expressway of any kind don't care about00:42:03
their life let's get that out00:42:05
okay00:42:06
we're on the highway we're coming from00:42:08
an event you know my kid's in the back00:42:09
seat and we arguing i'm like you know00:42:11
what your problem is you don't respect00:42:12
me as a man okay so you respect me as a00:42:15
man we gonna always have problems that's00:42:17
why we fight so much hey i'm honestly00:42:19
i'm thinking about putting my hands on00:42:20
you keep on and i'm gonna show you what00:42:22
that feels like because you're stupid00:42:24
are you ready00:42:32
i've never been so afraid for my life00:42:34
dude00:42:35
she's trying to kill me00:42:38
i looked in the back my daughter was00:42:39
like dumb yeah00:42:44
then turn my baby against me and00:42:45
everything00:42:48
you got to know00:42:50
you got to know your woman00:42:52
fellas don't be afraid to be a man00:42:53
fellas i don't care what you're going to00:42:55
do relationship don't be afraid to be a00:42:57
man00:42:58
stop being yes men no woman wants a yes00:43:00
man don't think that's gonna make your00:43:02
your relationship better because you00:43:04
agree with your woman all the time it's00:43:06
not gonna make your relationship better00:43:07
it makes you look stupid you're just00:43:08
saying yes all the goddamn time00:43:11
huh yeah00:43:14
yeah yeah yeah00:43:16
what do you need yeah i get it yeah00:43:19
yeah00:43:20
okay all right yeah00:43:22
no no yeah i go down yeah00:43:25
yeah00:43:26
what do you need00:43:27
yeah come back okay00:43:29
yeah yeah go ahead now i'll pick it up00:43:32
yeah00:43:33
what now just left you want me to go00:43:34
back yeah i'll go back00:43:37
[ __ ] [ __ ] get some balls00:43:40
be a man00:43:41
argue00:43:42
that's what you're in a relationship for00:43:44
you're in your relationship to argue00:43:46
that's what men are there for we argue00:43:49
even when you wrong00:43:51
argue i've been caught red-handed00:43:53
several times00:43:54
argue you wanna know how you win every00:43:56
single argument be loud that's all you00:43:58
gotta do women can't handle that women00:44:00
can't handle when a man's voice gets00:44:02
past a certain level they break down00:44:03
they don't know what to do i've been00:44:05
court just mean what you say after you00:44:07
say it walk out you can't stick around00:44:09
you gotta you gotta00:44:12
if you stick around you give him a00:44:13
chance to come back and confuse you say00:44:15
your point get the [ __ ] out the room go00:44:19
kevin i saw you i saw you kevin i saw00:44:22
the [ __ ] in your car you got something00:44:23
i didn't see you i swear to [ __ ]00:44:26
shut up shut the [ __ ] up man every time00:44:28
i come in the house you got the00:44:30
microwave oh hi [ __ ] you walk out back00:44:35
[Applause]00:44:40
she's gonna be standing there like what00:44:41
i00:44:44
i thought i thought he liked it when i00:44:46
used the microwave i don't00:44:48
i don't know i don't understand him or00:44:50
what he wants from me anymore i don't00:44:51
understand00:44:54
i remember one time we got to an00:44:55
argument over a giraffe00:44:58
so what he got we were talking about00:44:59
money you know she was mad at me she's00:45:00
like he's spending too much money i'm00:45:02
tired of you going out to these clubs00:45:03
spending all this money on all your00:45:04
little girls that money need to be spent00:45:06
with your family i was like shut up i'm00:45:08
trying to do my money it's my money if i00:45:09
want to go buy a giraffe i'll go buy a00:45:11
damn drink okay i was trying to be a00:45:13
smart ass i'm being a smart ass i'm00:45:15
thinking it's over i don't know where00:45:16
she's like you ain't gonna buy no00:45:17
giraffe in this house00:45:19
that's that's when i lost it uh i bet i00:45:22
do goddamn giraffe in this house tell me00:45:25
i won't buy no damn giraffe i go on00:45:28
www.getgiraffe.com right now they have00:45:31
that giraffe here tomorrow teach that00:45:32
giraffe how to hit what the [ __ ] got you00:45:34
tell me i don't get no giraffe i tried00:45:36
to get one you can't get them it's hard00:45:38
to get a giraffe00:45:40
it is i swear i was gonna hit that00:45:42
giraffe right outside my house just00:45:43
walking it00:45:48
[Applause]00:45:56
you know the move that you can't ever00:45:57
fall for all i got to do you ever hear00:45:59
that [ __ ]00:46:01
all i got to do is00:46:04
i fell for that [ __ ] one time cause we00:46:06
don't know what you're talking about all00:46:07
i got to do is crimp my hair we don't00:46:09
know what the [ __ ] a crimp is00:46:11
all right that's it yes we just do00:46:13
okay yeah all right00:46:18
dumb ass man yeah cool all right00:46:22
you've been in the bathroom five damn00:46:23
days i thought you had to crimp it00:46:25
that's what i'm doing then they flip it00:46:26
on you ever have a woman flip it on you00:46:28
i thought you said you was gonna be00:46:29
quick well i can't do it if you in my00:46:32
face let me do it00:46:34
all right yeah all right cool all right00:46:37
let's go out let you crimp it sorry00:46:42
just telling you what i know it's from00:46:44
experience00:46:45
but woman at the same time you got to00:46:47
understand your man you got to know when00:46:49
to leave your man alone men give signs00:46:52
just like women give signs if your00:46:53
husband or your boyfriend drives a00:46:55
minivan leave him alone00:46:59
any man that drives a minivan does not00:47:01
care about life he don't give a [ __ ]00:47:04
he don't every time he slide that long00:47:06
ass door closed00:47:09
he is cursing you the [ __ ] out in his00:47:10
mind stupid ass [ __ ] got me driving a00:47:12
goddamn ambulance sit down sit the hell00:47:15
down thomas eat another book off that00:47:17
one [ __ ] i'll kill you00:47:18
i hate my life00:47:21
i'll tell you the real sign like if your00:47:23
man wears sweatpants with no pockets00:47:25
that's a sign00:47:27
any man that doesn't have pockets don't00:47:29
care about life you ever go a day00:47:31
without pockets00:47:32
think about how important your pockets00:47:34
are00:47:35
that means you don't care about change00:47:37
receipts00:47:38
your wallet you don't care00:47:40
you don't believe me try to get a man00:47:42
that don't have pockets to wear pockets00:47:43
watch out man to get00:47:45
i tried to get my dad to wear pockets00:47:46
one time we was going to church i was00:47:48
like dad come on man we going to church00:47:49
put some pants with pockets on he's like00:47:51
what the [ __ ] i need pockets for she00:47:52
took everything00:47:55
all right00:47:57
all right00:47:59
dad you can use my pocket00:48:01
this nigga's crazy he didn't lose his00:48:03
goddamn mind he gonna snap on me in my00:48:04
pockets00:48:08
he's like00:48:10
yeah that fan reunion laughs right there00:48:13
[Applause]00:48:15
sounds like he's like eating gargling00:48:16
beer right now00:48:26
when they don't want to laugh00:48:32
because00:48:38
[Applause]00:48:46
they just been trying to cover up their00:48:48
laughs real quick00:48:49
everybody come here delicious what are00:48:51
they good00:48:54
[Applause]00:48:55
it's not that funny cuz ain't that funny00:48:59
trying to kill you [ __ ]00:49:00
kill you00:49:04
i talk all the stuff about relationships00:49:06
but you know what i like mine the way it00:49:07
is00:49:08
i do i like drama i'm attracted to drama00:49:11
i think if you're in a relationship00:49:12
drama is good i couldn't deal with no00:49:14
happy woman could deal with her she was00:49:16
happy all the time every time you come00:49:17
home she got some happy [ __ ] to say00:49:19
think about it so when you walk in the00:49:21
door she's just happy soon as you come00:49:22
home oh my god who's home you are you00:49:25
are00:49:26
[Applause]00:49:32
stupid ass down00:49:34
i got fire today you want to tickle some00:49:35
goddamn bite sit down00:49:37
stupid ass00:49:40
nobody want to deal with that [ __ ]00:49:44
drama trying to stab me00:49:49
and have one pull a knife out on you00:49:52
that's some sexy [ __ ] right there [ __ ]00:49:53
put the hey i'm not playing now put the00:49:55
[ __ ] night do you think hey do it00:49:57
again00:49:58
you got me yeah that time you really got00:50:01
there let's go to the hospital00:50:05
you know what it is i don't i don't like00:50:06
the whole dayton game though that's why00:50:07
i accept my situation i see a bunch of00:50:10
couples here now like y'all just dating00:50:12
i don't like dating you know why i don't00:50:13
like dating i try to impress women too00:50:14
much that's my problem i went out00:50:16
brought this big ass truck just to try00:50:18
and impress women i didn't know that00:50:19
everybody looked tall in the truck00:50:20
though now you don't notice somebody's00:50:22
small until they get out00:50:24
the truck i had to find out the hard way00:50:26
cause i like the flirt00:50:28
i'm at the stop light i saw this girl i00:50:29
was like damn baby look good why don't00:50:31
you pull over let me talk to you for a00:50:32
second she's like all right he kind of00:50:33
cute her her girlfriend high five00:50:35
it was happy00:50:37
she's like get out come talk to me and i00:50:39
can't get out my truck right i gotta i00:50:42
gotta jump out but00:50:45
when i jumped out i didn't have a good00:50:46
land and i stumbled a little bit and00:50:48
all i heard was oh my god he doesn't00:50:50
have any knees and they just00:50:52
they just they pulled off i think00:50:55
there's a [ __ ] i got knees it was00:50:57
it was a bad jump because when i landed00:50:59
i twisted my ankle my head hit the00:51:01
windshield i was trying to pull myself00:51:03
up00:51:04
i can admit that it looked a little00:51:05
[ __ ] but to yell out that i don't00:51:07
have knees it's selfish00:51:09
how did i get out the truck i didn't00:51:10
roll out the [ __ ] that's why i had an00:51:11
attitude00:51:14
i had one girl that had one of those00:51:16
laughs to make you stop laughing00:51:19
y'all meet somebody like that what00:51:20
laughed is so bad that you gotta stop00:51:22
having a good time00:51:23
cause it wasn't a laugh it was like a00:51:25
snickers slash snout she did that00:51:27
everything stuff that wasn't even funny00:51:28
like we was going to the movies i'm like00:51:30
you know what babe it's a long line i'm00:51:31
gonna park the car why don't you go wait00:51:33
in line she's like alright i don't mind00:51:37
and i didn't know what it was at first i00:51:38
didn't say nothing i still had the car00:51:40
on i was like the car shouldn't sound00:51:42
like this because it's a new car you00:51:43
know what i mean i just got this car i00:51:45
better not have no damn problems with00:51:47
this car i was like hey look when you00:51:48
get out of line go get some popcorn with00:51:50
a lot of butter she's like oh my god i00:51:51
love butter00:51:53
[Music]00:51:54
and i was like okay that was you that00:51:56
time i saw you because00:51:57
you know i made eye contact i don't like00:52:00
that that it's nasty because it sounds00:52:01
like you're swallowing snot or something00:52:03
but then it dawned on me where she got00:52:05
it from because i met her dad earlier00:52:07
that day her dad had one of those laughs00:52:09
i call it the rich white guy laugh you00:52:11
know that is that's a laugh that's00:52:13
followed by an awful joke the joke00:52:14
doesn't make you laugh but the laugh00:52:16
eventually makes you laugh he found out00:52:18
i was a comedian he kept trying to tell00:52:20
me jokes he was like oh00:52:22
so uh00:52:23
so you're a comic right00:52:25
okay00:52:26
um00:52:29
uh00:52:31
uh all right all right all right listen00:52:33
i gotta um i got a joke for you you can00:52:35
you can keep it if you want i don't mind00:52:37
um00:52:38
all right all right all right you ready00:52:40
all right okay00:52:42
all right this is crazy it's so good all00:52:44
right so i'm at i'm at the office i'm at00:52:48
the office i tell this guy i said to him00:52:51
what did i wait what did i say wait a00:52:53
minute [Applause]00:52:55
all right all right i got it i got it00:52:57
okay all right so i'm at the office00:53:00
right i'm at the office and uh i tell00:53:02
this guy00:53:03
i said to him i said hey uh pass me the00:53:07
stapler but when you pass it make sure00:53:09
stables are in it because if it isn't i00:53:11
can't staple anything00:53:13
[Applause]00:53:26
i didn't want to laugh but he kept00:53:28
looking right at me00:53:30
while he was doing it00:53:31
[Applause] [Music]00:53:40
here's a weird thing you're like you00:53:42
know how people clap when they laugh00:53:46
you know he had a clap that he would do00:53:48
with his laugh but i never knew when it00:53:50
was coming i couldn't time it00:53:52
like you know how sometimes you can time00:53:53
and clap i didn't know when the clap was00:53:55
coming so it was hard for me to00:53:56
participate and clap with him because it00:53:58
took too long right but he was still00:54:00
looking at me the whole time he's like00:54:19
[Applause]00:54:22
that's like 57 seconds right there i00:54:24
can't wait 57 seconds00:54:27
it's a long time ago00:54:30
i had this one tall girl i didn't even00:54:32
care she was tall00:54:33
like she was tall and [ __ ] she was a00:54:35
model i didn't care cause she made me00:54:36
laugh me make me laugh that's a bonus00:54:38
because my job to make people laugh so00:54:40
you make me laugh it's a turn on one day00:54:42
she's trying to mess with me mentally in00:54:44
the supermarket right i'm going to get00:54:45
some milk now normally they put my milk00:54:48
on the middle row and a half00:54:50
for some reason this day it was on the00:54:52
top row and like you you know you can't00:54:54
read something how you start stretching00:54:55
for it like00:54:56
because i couldn't get it00:54:59
she was like babe don't stretch yourself00:55:00
let me grab it for you and i turned00:55:01
around there was a bunch of people in00:55:03
the aisle looking at her about to grab00:55:05
my milk so i got mad i punched in the00:55:07
rib i was like [ __ ] don't be00:55:09
trying to play me in front of them00:55:10
people she's like i ain't trying to play00:55:12
you i was like you are trying to play me00:55:13
if you want to help me pick me up and00:55:15
let me grab it that's how you look00:55:17
she's all right00:55:23
are you guys double dating it's like a00:55:25
double date right00:55:26
kind of00:55:27
that's good00:55:29
i would say don't do it no more though00:55:30
don't ever double date you know why you00:55:32
shouldn't double date because you00:55:33
compete with the other couple you don't00:55:35
even know you compete i'm telling you00:55:37
you compete00:55:38
show you right now if i'm wrong tell me00:55:40
i'm wrong okay let's say you lean over00:55:42
you get your girl a kiss real innocent00:55:44
love you babe first thing she's gonna do00:55:45
is look at him she's like must be nice00:55:51
man you're competing00:55:53
now now the only way you can win is the00:55:55
sucker titty right here you gotta do it00:55:57
that's the only way you gotta pull your00:55:58
titty out right now00:56:00
that's it00:56:02
but women y'all discuss personal00:56:03
business and that personal stuff come00:56:05
out they come out like when y'all when00:56:07
y'all arguing y'all all at dinner one00:56:08
night and you're having a good time then00:56:10
one day you get mad you're like you know00:56:11
michelle i hate you michelle you come00:56:13
out all the time you get drunk you mess00:56:15
up the whole night you like whatever00:56:16
[ __ ] you tariq at least i don't eat ass00:56:18
you like what what00:56:20
you talking about oh you know he asked00:56:22
erica you know he asked now00:56:24
now you got to put her on the spot you00:56:26
told him i00:56:28
ass everybody was talking i didn't know00:56:32
that it would come out like00:56:34
now you got to sit there with the you00:56:35
ate ass face you00:56:38
[Applause]00:56:46
that's00:56:47
that's a you just ate ass face00:56:50
[Applause]00:56:52
conversation's been over but she's still00:56:54
mad first of all all the time i hate00:56:56
your ass on your birthday let's get that00:56:58
out the way no no no you want to talk00:57:00
about it let's talk about it okay i00:57:02
didn't get your [ __ ] you said eat your00:57:04
ass i was like cool so i hate your ass00:57:06
don't make it seem like i'm out here00:57:07
just eating your ass every day everybody00:57:09
sitting here pushing my drink to the00:57:11
side like i got the [ __ ] mouth [ __ ]00:57:12
y'all man00:57:14
i bet it won't be no more ass eating up00:57:16
in here i bet that00:57:20
that that [ __ ] last ass eating incident00:57:28
another funny other people's personal00:57:30
problems coming out in front of other00:57:31
people00:57:32
that's the funniest thing ever to me00:57:34
when people personal problems get00:57:36
brought to light from other people00:57:37
because you always gotta act like you00:57:38
ain't hear it00:57:40
you ever hear another couple argue like00:57:41
you hear some weird [ __ ]00:57:43
you never heard like some weird [ __ ]00:57:45
whatever [ __ ] you're the one with the00:57:46
dildos all up there in the house00:57:49
[Applause]00:57:53
you'd be at the dinner table00:57:55
[Applause]00:58:02
you tried to whisper to your lady she00:58:04
got dildos in the house00:58:08
this is crazy she got dildos all up in00:58:11
the house00:58:14
i think that's the funniest stuff in the00:58:15
world man other people's problems00:58:17
there's nothing funnier than other00:58:18
people's problems00:58:19
other people's kids i remember my boy00:58:22
got into it one day because i told him i00:58:24
didn't think his baby was where she was00:58:26
supposed to be mentally that's what i00:58:27
told him00:58:29
i did i told him that i think you might00:58:31
have a dumb baby it's a chance00:58:34
that your baby might be dumb you know00:58:35
but i felt like me as your friend i00:58:37
should be able to tell you that you know00:58:38
what i'm saying like i'm your friend so00:58:40
my constructive criticism should be good00:58:42
criticism to you but he got mad he's00:58:44
like whatever my baby's smarter than00:58:45
yours i was like bet money he was like00:58:47
bet i said what you want to do he was00:58:48
like let's sit him in the middle floor00:58:50
and see which baby can hold their head00:58:51
at the longest i was like oh [ __ ]00:58:54
[Applause]00:58:55
you know my baby got a problem right but00:58:57
i can't back down i was like bad [ __ ]00:58:59
so we we put our babies in the middle of00:59:01
the floor and they was going there they00:59:02
it00:59:04
my son was asking00:59:07
and his baby was looking at my son so00:59:08
his baby got dizzy and fell i was like00:59:10
look at that dumb ass baby i didn't kick00:59:12
his baby i just moved this baby away00:59:14
from my baby00:59:16
i didn't want that dumb stuff to wear00:59:18
off00:59:21
i want to tell y'all funny story before00:59:22
i get ready to go i'm uh i'm about to do00:59:24
a show00:59:25
uh where i'm doing everything that they00:59:27
say black people are afraid to do like00:59:29
i'm bungee jumping skiing skydiving00:59:33
eating dinner with my family with the tv00:59:35
off everything they say00:59:37
that we as black people don't do i'm00:59:39
about to do but before they gave me00:59:41
money to do the show they was like kev00:59:42
we got to know that you're going to do00:59:44
it for sure we don't want to give you00:59:45
money to do it and then it comes time to00:59:46
do it you don't do it you know what i'm00:59:48
saying i'll tell you what i'll take my00:59:49
own money i'll do it with my own money00:59:51
there's alright cool fine let's do it00:59:53
that way so me my wife my boy nain my00:59:56
friend nate we all in chattanooga00:59:57
tennessee i'm about to do a theater00:59:59
chatting to tennessee i was like you01:00:00
know what we're gonna go white water01:00:02
rafting i say but listen can't nobody01:00:03
act we all got to be ourselves i'm a01:00:05
filmmaker that's alright cool it's gonna01:00:06
be all that now we like the only black01:00:08
people in chatting with tennessee at the01:00:09
time we're no other black people there01:00:11
but before you go whiteboard wrath you01:00:12
gotta drive a car the car takes you to01:00:13
the bus when you get to the bus that's01:00:15
how you get down to the river we were01:00:16
late getting to the bus so all the seats01:00:18
on the bus were taken except the seats01:00:20
in the back now01:00:22
i'm a comedian i'm silly so i started01:00:23
walking i was like damn y'all still01:00:25
racist you're not expecting no black01:00:26
people to show up ha ha he he i'm joking01:00:29
we sit down on the back of the bus out01:00:31
of nowhere the bus driver got up he's01:00:33
like you guys in the back don't try to01:00:34
jump out that back door because there's01:00:35
park rangers out there and they will01:00:40
fire was like uh01:00:43
where the [ __ ] did that come from like01:00:44
we01:00:45
like we with y'all right this is a group01:00:47
thing right so so01:00:49
naim that's my boy like yo stop bitching01:00:51
man we trying to do this for you we01:00:53
trying to make you money i'm like all01:00:54
right whatever i ain't gonna say nothing01:00:55
let me get off the bus and get off the01:00:56
bus you're instructed waiting on you01:00:57
this guy named lance he had one arm in01:00:59
the air he's like hearts with a heart01:01:00
set i'm like we the hearts like come on01:01:02
you guys let me get in the water with me01:01:03
i get over there to him this arm was in01:01:05
a cast from here to here all the [ __ ]01:01:08
was wrapped up and he had the thing01:01:09
holding it up so he's like come on you01:01:11
guys01:01:12
y'all gonna be getting in the water with01:01:13
me so you know i looked at him i was01:01:15
like i'm probably not gonna go if you're01:01:16
gonna keep that on01:01:18
he's like no trust me you're good this01:01:20
happened doing something else you're01:01:21
fine i was all right let me let me talk01:01:23
to my family real quick so i got over01:01:24
there to them i was like hey look y'all01:01:26
before we go do this i just want to tell01:01:27
y'all [ __ ] this i'm not going to do it01:01:29
remember what01:01:31
i was like yeah i don't i don't think01:01:33
i'm going to do it i don't really feel01:01:34
that comfortable you know doing it he01:01:35
got a cast on him so now aim is like yo01:01:37
stop being a [ __ ] man we doing this for01:01:39
you we trying to make you money yeah i'm01:01:40
saying you're the one holding up your01:01:42
success is all right fine you're right i01:01:43
ain't gonna save [ __ ] else i hope we die01:01:45
together i'm sarcastic i'm an [ __ ] so01:01:47
if we get there this old lady was given01:01:49
like the orientations right01:01:51
basically she was briefing us on what we01:01:53
should know when we were in the water01:01:54
but she was an [ __ ] like she was such01:01:56
a jerk man like she had no patience at01:01:58
all let's honestly how she was talking01:01:59
to us she was like everybody gather01:02:00
around please01:02:02
today you're not the only group today um01:02:05
listen up only gonna say it once okay01:02:08
first of all if you fall out people01:02:10
don't stand up repeat don't stand up01:02:12
cause your face can get caused by01:02:14
something we call a face flood you'll01:02:16
die your foot can get underneath the01:02:17
water rocks go on it cause your face go01:02:19
forward water goes over01:02:21
you're dead we had it happen all right01:02:24
um also listen up listen01:02:28
listen01:02:30
if you fall out your wrath people you01:02:32
must be a part of your own rescue01:02:34
meaning you must help us help you all01:02:36
right if you don't want to help us help01:02:38
you you can help yourself that's your01:02:39
choice we've been paid okay that's all01:02:42
up to you at this time um i got it said01:02:45
it didn't say it oh here it is last but01:02:48
not least got a lifeline lifeline looks01:02:50
like this lifeline's seven feet long if01:02:52
you fall out the raft we can throw it to01:02:53
you if you're at eight feet i suggest01:02:55
you get the seven that's the only way01:02:58
we can get you back in um01:03:01
with that being said have a good time01:03:03
enjoy yourself so i turned around01:03:05
everybody buckling their stuff up they01:03:06
putting their helmets on i was like hey01:03:08
y'all look you know before we go do this01:03:09
i just want to tell y'all [ __ ] this for01:03:11
all this time i'm not gonna do it01:03:13
yeah i'm serious i'm not [ __ ] she's01:03:14
talking about if i'm at eight feet i01:03:16
better get the seven no no no [ __ ] you01:03:18
better get the eight okay like01:03:20
like personal [ __ ] started coming out01:03:22
all my life they been telling me i01:03:23
couldn't reach it cause i was too small01:03:25
now you telling me you can't reach me i01:03:27
pay for it i still break it down right01:03:30
hey like yo man get yourself together01:03:31
let's do it i was like fine you know01:03:32
what i ain't mean you're gonna sit up01:03:34
front since you're so damn tough now01:03:36
me and iain we get in the front of the01:03:37
raft right we're here01:03:40
my wife is here my boy nate is here and01:03:42
lance is always in the back now for01:03:43
those people who don't know what white01:03:44
water rafting is it's really dangerous01:03:46
like the water's going like 40 50 miles01:03:48
per hour you're like a pinball in the01:03:49
pinball machine every time you hit a01:03:50
rock ping you bounce off that's off01:03:53
that's all so we're in the water01:03:55
but we're not doing bad we're doing good01:03:57
we're doing pretty damn good we going oh01:03:59
it's fun scary but it's fun we hit a01:04:01
rock01:04:02
bounce off i turn around i don't see01:04:05
naim no more i don't know01:04:08
it's one of my closest friends so now01:04:09
i'm scared i'm worried right oh [ __ ]01:04:12
where's i aim at i turn around name's01:04:15
foot is caught on the clamp on the side01:04:16
of the raft and we're dragging him like01:04:20
but he's so scared he's not blinking01:04:21
he's he's just looking at me like this01:04:24
so he was like pull me up man pull me up01:04:26
pull me up now i couldn't pull him up01:04:27
because i was laughing like you haven't01:04:30
you ever get that laugh when you get01:04:31
that cramp like you know somebody said01:04:33
pull me out i can't man i got a cramp01:04:35
did i pull me out like i'm serious this01:04:36
[ __ ] hurt like hell man your eyes you01:04:38
ain't blinking blink so i can stop01:04:40
laughing right so so01:04:42
finally he stopped he blinked so i01:04:45
stopped laughing i get him back in the01:04:47
raft like yo that's it take me back i'm01:04:48
not doing this [ __ ] no more i'm gonna do01:04:50
what you mean you're not doing this no01:04:51
more you made me do it we're gonna01:04:52
finish no i'm serious we start arguing01:04:55
lance was in the back he was like yo01:04:56
y'all better focus cause hell hole is01:04:58
coming up hell hole was a waterfall01:05:00
that's probably like from that balcony01:05:02
to the floor right but it goes straight01:05:04
down the only way you get out of hell01:05:05
hole you got to ride the weight you01:05:07
don't ride the wave you get stuck in the01:05:09
middle they got to come and chopper you01:05:10
out because all the water gets to flood01:05:12
your ass so they got to get you out01:05:13
right i'm having so much fun i start01:05:15
talking [ __ ] i'm so small where i can01:05:17
lean on the front of the rav like a hood01:05:18
army i was like [ __ ] hell hole01:05:22
i didn't want to do titanic i wanted to01:05:24
be original01:05:26
so ladies i'm serious focus y'all focus01:05:29
we go down hell hole01:05:31
lance was like everybody paddle paddle01:05:32
paddle we all started paddling as hard01:05:35
as we could it did not look like we were01:05:37
going to make it outside of hellhole so01:05:39
we all locked eyes at the same time01:05:41
everybody jumped out the raft we all01:05:42
jumped01:05:45
i saved myself i didn't give a [ __ ]01:05:46
about nobody my wife nobody01:05:50
i got to a rock i turned around i saw my01:05:52
wife doing some weird kind of doggy01:05:54
paddle trying to get to me but when i01:05:56
saw her i didn't want her to see me see01:05:58
her because then she would want me to01:06:00
get back in the water and go get her i01:06:02
wasn't going to do it so i turned around01:06:03
this way and act like i never saw her01:06:06
she's like kevin01:06:08
help01:06:09
my where are you01:06:10
[Music]01:06:13
you gotta be a part of your own rescue01:06:16
you got to help me help you01:06:19
she's like [ __ ] you01:06:21
[Music]01:06:22
i understand right now she finally got01:06:25
to the rock this was the second time01:06:27
that i left somebody for dead and they01:06:29
survived01:06:31
once again it was an awkward moment i01:06:33
didn't know what to say i was like hey01:06:35
look who made herself a swimmer huh01:06:37
[Applause]01:06:40
up top give me some bring it in01:06:43
she didn't want to hear none of that01:06:44
[ __ ] right01:06:45
so she gets on the rock nate gets on a01:06:48
rock lance is like a marine he got his01:06:50
paddle in his mouth his cat's out the01:06:51
water he's doing a doggy paddle with one01:06:53
arm he gets on a rock i'm like okay01:06:56
where's naeem it's like my best friend01:06:58
i'm worried right now i don't know what01:07:01
to think cause my friend isn't here i'm01:07:03
like lance where my friend at he's like01:07:05
yo don't worry he's underwater he'll pop01:07:07
up01:07:09
say wait what you mean he'll pop up like01:07:11
he gonna pop up dead he's like well if01:07:14
he is we can bring him back wait what01:07:16
what do you mean we can bring him back01:07:18
man no we gotta go get him on cue nain01:07:21
pops up right he's so afraid when he01:07:23
pops up that he's he's not moving his01:07:26
head he's looking straight ahead he's01:07:27
got his light vest in his paddle like01:07:29
this and he's just looking straight01:07:30
ahead and blinking he blinking the whole01:07:32
[ __ ] life that's how i knew he was01:07:33
scared this is the rock sweetie like01:07:35
right where you are that's where naim is01:07:37
i'm like yo turn on your stomach get to01:07:39
the rock i know he hear me cause he01:07:41
blinking but i'm like i hope he's not01:07:42
trying to give me like a morris code or01:07:44
some [ __ ] like that because i don't know01:07:46
morris codes right so i'm like yo01:07:49
turning the stomach into the rock this01:07:50
[ __ ] keeps floating past the damn01:07:53
rock i'm looking at him he's looking at01:07:56
me blinking like [ __ ] i'm like what are01:07:57
you doing he start waving his paddle in01:08:00
the air the reason why waving his paddle01:08:01
in the air because he wants somebody to01:08:02
grab his paddle and pull him up i'm not01:08:05
tall enough to grab his paddle i'm not01:08:06
even about to attempt to reach out and01:08:08
fall so i can be in the same predicament01:08:10
as him i didn't want that problem so01:08:12
nate was like throwing the lifeline i01:08:13
was like what if we need it let him deal01:08:15
with this situation01:08:16
so01:08:17
he's going down the middle of the raft01:08:19
right he's now doing this with his01:08:21
paddle in the middle of the river going01:08:23
back and forth because he wants somebody01:08:24
to grab him pull him in that raft and01:08:25
like i said we're the only black people01:08:27
there all the other white fans over01:08:28
there are like semi-pros they do this01:08:30
all the time they're like professionals01:08:32
some parents were like using their kids01:08:34
as paddles they were doing tricks like01:08:36
it was serious i'm real serious now name01:08:39
is a muslim here's why i tell a story01:08:41
he's a muslim he's been a muslim his01:08:42
whole life a serious muslim like not a01:08:45
half-assed muslim like he one of the01:08:47
muslims that read the back of packets01:08:49
you know i'm talking about like like hey01:08:50
man you want a starburst here let me see01:08:52
the packet give it to me let me see it01:08:54
[Applause]01:08:56
read that look that's pork right there01:08:59
yeah i told you man that's poor he's one01:09:01
of them muslims right01:09:02
this is why i tell a story he's in the01:09:04
middle of the river waving his paddle01:09:06
back and forth this white guy is going01:09:08
right towards him the white guy smacked01:09:10
his pad out the way move man you messing01:09:12
up the trail i saw this with my own eyes01:09:14
move you messed up the trail man not aim01:09:17
without hesitation he was like jesus01:09:19
please help01:09:22
he didn't even ask alive for help he01:09:24
didn't01:09:26
he went straight to christianity he01:09:28
didn't01:09:29
he wasn't like i lie i'm about to die01:09:31
where you at man he's like jesus come01:09:33
help i told him he's a phony he should01:09:34
eat a pork sandwich to kill himself01:09:36
immediately hey y'all been a great crowd01:09:38
man my name is kevin o'hara01:09:40
thank you all i appreciate it01:09:44
love it01:09:45
i should see01:09:51
hey see if i can get my babies01:09:53
see my babies are before i go01:09:55
i'm gonna show you all my babies before01:09:57
i go01:09:59
just act like i'm left already i just01:10:01
want y'all to see my kids i'm seeing my01:10:02
son come out here shaking his head01:10:05
i'ma see don't move don't move y'all01:10:07
stay right here for a second01:10:18
[Applause]01:10:25
look how nosy my son is look at you01:10:29
you don't smile or nothing he's angry01:10:30
just look at him smile man01:10:33
just smile one time01:10:35
stop come on now01:10:38
do do the thing daddy told you to do now01:10:41
yeah i'm okay let's go it's close01:10:45
kevin01:10:46
say hi01:10:47
turn around01:10:49
let them see your face01:10:51
stop01:10:53
say hi they go to the microphone01:10:56
say hi01:11:00
anyway this is just so y'all can see01:11:01
that what i tell the truth i really01:11:03
appreciate the love and support and01:11:04
continue y'all it's really going good01:11:06
for me right it's really going good for01:11:08
me right now and i really genuinely01:11:10
appreciate the support once again my01:11:12
name is kevin hart i love y'all01:11:23
[Applause]01:11:26
[Music]01:11:38
my01:11:41
[Music]01:12:10
youDescription:
Kevin Hart Stand-up comedy show, one of his best performances Like, Share & Subscribe the channel for more videos, ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Use Tubebuddy to grow your youtube Channel Massively 🔥 Click on the link below : https://www.tubebuddy.com/pricing?a=ANDALEEB
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