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Секс ради секса: почему люди изменяют / Ольга Василенко // Это не Фрейд

Секс ради секса: почему люди изменяют / Ольга Василенко // Это не Фрейд

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Как справиться с паническими атаками / Марат Агинян // Нам надо поговорить

Как справиться с паническими атаками / Марат Агинян // Нам надо поговорить

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Как правильно воспитать сиблингов? / Оксана Козырева // Это не Фрейд

Как правильно воспитать сиблингов? / Оксана Козырева // Это не Фрейд

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00:00:00

Yes, we live in the world of female education.

00:00:02

Don’t fight at all because I’ve never

00:00:04

fought. That again, the boy understands that he does

00:00:07

n’t need to approach his father because

00:00:09

he will. That’s the reaction. And then I

00:00:11

know what he says. He’s lying, he’s not lying, he very

00:00:14

quickly understands how to decide the question is how does

00:00:16

your child understand that you love him, but

00:00:19

Nikitochka I don’t know You gave birth to an

00:00:21

alien while the alien

00:00:23

is mirroring you now I think that the

00:00:26

fathers are Well done, I adore modern

00:00:30

men, kid Life is wonderful, what didn’t

00:00:32

work out now

00:00:35

[music]

00:00:46

we’ll solve The little son came to his father and

00:00:49

asked the little one What is good and what is

00:00:51

bad? The situation described by

00:00:54

Mayakovsky today seems to look

00:00:57

quite the opposite. More and more often, dads

00:00:59

come not only to their sons, but to

00:01:01

psychologists and ask what is good.

00:01:03

Well, more precisely, what is it to be a good dad and

00:01:06

the truth? What is it to be a good

00:01:08

dad now? and let's discuss this Speak hour in the

00:01:11

studio Nikita Rudakov And today my

00:01:13

guest is a trainer, motivator, author of his

00:01:14

own methodology and creator of

00:01:16

many courses on family relationships

00:01:19

and raising children Irina Kovaleva

00:01:22

Hello Irina, hello Nikita What is a Good

00:01:24

Dad? Is there even a

00:01:26

Good Dad? Some kind of list like

00:01:45

this, point by point, it means what a Good Dad is, who is a Good Dad? Let's take a little step back and start with the fact that first of all he must be a good husband, yes, yes, a good husband, and then another step back, a good man, this is such a nasty answer Wait for this You

00:01:48

definitely can’t have a bad husband, but

00:01:50

at the same time love your children very much.

00:01:53

And what is love then the

00:01:55

question arises? Well listen, wait, well, this is what it is

00:01:58

now; we are not purely applied to philosophy.

00:02:01

How do you understand that a

00:02:03

person loves you? I had a man on Skype who was

00:02:05

so, so tense but

00:02:07

in general there are tense people around me

00:02:08

and he basically said all the time,

00:02:10

well, my wife, my wife, she

00:02:11

loves me so much, she wishes me well,

00:02:14

and I say man, how do you understand

00:02:17

that your wife loves you, he veiled, he thought

00:02:21

and said Well, she is the one who listens to me. I

00:02:26

say then, I love you. I’ve been

00:02:28

listening to you for 2 hours. Yes, practically, that’s why this is a

00:02:30

very controversial issue. How do you understand

00:02:32

that a person loves you? How does your child

00:02:34

understand that you love him, but I don’t know?

00:02:39

He feels, listen, Love - this

00:02:41

feeling can be different, so he

00:02:43

feels that I have a feeling for him

00:02:45

Love is when we feel a

00:02:47

feeling that we have not felt before,

00:02:48

so the children answer Yes, but in principle, from a

00:02:51

psychological point of view, Love is one

00:02:54

hundred percent

00:02:56

acceptance, I accept you no matter

00:03:01

what because I will say I tell you a secret, the

00:03:04

bunny is born who is the bunny Oh, well done,

00:03:07

well done, and the

00:03:10

mouse has

00:03:13

dadada Well, the bunny’s mother, the bunny’s mother

00:03:16

understands This is a bunny She had a bunny

00:03:18

and the bunny’s mother is teaching him what skills Well,

00:03:20

I don’t know how to run there, hide, steal

00:03:23

carrots and the bunny has already survived and ran and

00:03:26

already actually included in the food chain

00:03:28

who is born to a

00:03:31

person’s mother person what who Alien

00:03:36

alien Martian Do you understand what

00:03:38

qualities he has, what needs to be developed there,

00:03:41

what skills should he be given What

00:03:43

skills should he be given, teach him to fight or,

00:03:45

on the contrary, be encrypted What skills How do

00:03:47

we know And this is acceptance to begin with,

00:03:49

that we will not do our own project, I am a

00:03:52

ballerina and you be yes And from him to proceed

00:03:56

from His quality This is very difficult

00:03:57

Forgive me please everything is wonderful as

00:03:59

you will understand what qualities he has But

00:04:01

because you are a good person and a good

00:04:04

husband because you already this woman

00:04:05

was chosen How how did you choose the woman of

00:04:08

your dreams I know

00:04:11

how Cinderella Yes, through here Yes, well,

00:04:15

this is a purely irrational way

00:04:18

Yes, at a lecture on career guidance,

00:04:23

why should a seventeen-year-old

00:04:24

person make two main choices in

00:04:26

life two main choices in life, what kind of

00:04:30

work is probably a matter of life and a

00:04:33

life partner? Well, why not do this at 50

00:04:35

years old? Well, you really know everything. Kato

00:04:38

passed the tests, so smart, everything, that is, this is

00:04:40

done a little from a different

00:04:42

understanding, you understand, that is, nature

00:04:44

made it so that a young man who

00:04:46

knows nothing There aren’t any of these social ones that are

00:04:49

n’t attached to him,

00:04:50

and he makes this purely intuitively.

00:04:53

Now we’ll

00:04:55

conduct an experiment, it’s painful, but don’t really

00:04:57

let’s, let’s now we’re deputy, you have

00:05:00

such a heart. You

00:05:02

know what kind of heart you have Nikita Yeah, we're

00:05:06

twisting, we're twisting, it's not crunching, it's not crunching Well done,

00:05:08

we're actively twisting and the index

00:05:10

finger up the index finger Here's

00:05:13

Nikita, oh, oh, a grown man, what did he

00:05:18

do?

00:05:22

Do

00:05:25

you think you’re such a strange man in general,

00:05:27

or everyone does that, look at everyone

00:05:30

doing that Nikit, really, they’re

00:05:31

serious people. I’m reading trainings,

00:05:33

they’re sitting here, I’m talking to men, the

00:05:36

index finger is the other, they’re saying it’s a

00:05:38

tree-stick, but not a tree-stick

00:05:40

And this is the law of psychology which says

00:05:44

first

00:05:45

A person sees and then only hears,

00:05:49

so Dad sits on the phone and says,

00:05:51

son, study, it’s even important or says son,

00:05:56

smoking is generally scary, so any

00:05:59

child will be a person too. He will take

00:06:02

information with his eye, so dad,

00:06:05

first of all, must be how good

00:06:08

so that he looked at him and acted like he was a

00:06:11

monkey, provided that the child was still

00:06:14

different and therefore when he realized that

00:06:16

dad’s skills that he mirrored were

00:06:18

not very working because dad taught

00:06:20

him to be a pacifist and Opa came to school for him.

00:06:23

And he comes and dad understands that he must

00:06:26

give him some skills that I do

00:06:28

n’t possess and then Dad, what? Taking

00:06:31

this child in doesn’t make him his own, doesn’t

00:06:33

say, well, don’t fight at all because I’ve

00:06:35

never fought. And what does Dad do?

00:06:37

develops, expands his consciousness and

00:06:39

becomes even more m

00:06:43

Survives on this child And we don’t know

00:06:46

what skills this will need in the future, I will

00:06:49

be a child, yes, but he

00:06:51

must be a real man, oh, what is a man, it’s

00:06:53

difficult for me. I’m an elderly man, who is a real man?

00:06:55

Well, here’s what else a man should do.

00:06:57

That’s what it’s like for me.

00:06:58

interesting

00:07:06

Yes, let's talk a little, you have to raise a

00:07:09

real man, that's what

00:07:10

everyone around him says. Then you start

00:07:12

delving into this, it's interesting,

00:07:14

you have to raise a man, you need to

00:07:16

somehow do this, what a man should do,

00:07:18

well, at women's trainings they say

00:07:20

he should making money

00:07:23

women say What is it to make money

00:07:25

no, he shouldn’t make money He

00:07:27

should provide for her family And what is it

00:07:32

to provide for a family, you can spend 24 hours in a mine

00:07:34

and you can get zero money, you can

00:07:37

do something else because he’s

00:07:39

so intellectually flexible Yes, you

00:07:41

understand and he doesn’t have any dogmas in his head

00:07:44

and that’s why he doesn’t screw any dogmas into his son’s

00:07:46

head because he

00:07:48

survives being

00:07:50

so flexible and flexible and you have to start with someone

00:07:55

with yourself alone Daddy was at the reception

00:08:00

his son went to school and fights all the time

00:08:01

so he says at the slightest something,

00:08:03

he’s just like young, this little

00:08:05

wolf, he just bites everyone and in general

00:08:08

they write complaints about him and we work with

00:08:10

this daddy, we work there, well, you’re

00:08:12

not interested in the kitchen and as a result, at the age of 2, this

00:08:15

daddy was carrying his two-year-old

00:08:17

two-year-old boy Yes carried it in his arms and he says

00:08:21

I went into the passage down there and am walking and

00:08:23

there is some guy coming towards me, so

00:08:25

drunk, some kind of unpleasant,

00:08:27

he is known and gave him right away,

00:08:29

stepped over him and

00:08:31

ran away, we think that is, his two-year-old son

00:08:35

understands when the slightest nervous

00:08:38

incomprehensible situation is necessary What to do Hit

00:08:40

and run He is demonstrating this now

00:08:43

Because the children who come to school are

00:08:45

different children understand girls

00:08:47

and boys you have these and those right

00:08:49

now, tune in yes that is girls

00:08:51

come to school to really learn, they

00:08:54

put on bows and they want to please

00:08:56

this new mother, a new

00:08:57

teacher called young

00:08:59

teacher my first, the girls want

00:09:02

to please her and they are somehow determined to study

00:09:04

in a new team. Why do boys come to

00:09:06

school to show themselves in the

00:09:08

pack? Of course they are rebuilding this

00:09:11

border in the pack, what kind of study is there? What kind of

00:09:13

study are you doing, that they are tossed around with testosterone,

00:09:16

so boys come to school for absolutely no reason.

00:09:18

Well, of course, they will

00:09:20

demonstrate the behavior that their

00:09:21

dad gave them because they are a little Well, for now

00:09:23

in society And now they are in society with

00:09:25

the boys and both the

00:09:27

boy and the father will take lessons because Society What

00:09:30

any This means you now what you

00:09:33

say is such a responsibility

00:09:34

it turns out and it’s

00:09:36

quite difficult to be a dad No, well, your whole

00:09:38

gene pool is priceless Yes, this is it

00:09:41

there is lasted lasted into

00:09:43

Immortality you stepped I just now

00:09:46

earlier somehow It seemed to me that you know, the

00:09:48

fathers they were like that Well, not exactly

00:09:51

coming But their task was to somehow

00:09:52

provide somewhere there, maybe already from

00:09:54

10 years old a child somehow they were closer to dad

00:09:57

And so it was all like that, and now

00:10:00

dad owes a lot to dad, at

00:10:02

least I have the feeling that I not

00:10:04

only have to earn money

00:10:06

to provide for my family, I also owe a lot of

00:10:09

other things Well, yes, yes, Nikita Under

00:10:11

socialism, just well the factor of the man

00:10:14

stated that he is the master of the house, he is a

00:10:16

man, and he went on a shift somewhere

00:10:18

at a

00:10:20

pris factory and everything was clear because

00:10:22

this is all very structured and it

00:10:25

seems like he is declared the master of the family,

00:10:27

but in fact the government takes

00:10:29

responsibility for this a child

00:10:32

because the kindergarten raises the school raises the

00:10:34

Komsomol Pioneer and so on and so

00:10:36

on and a little bit somehow everything was

00:10:43

verified and now It seems that we see

00:10:47

all over the world how other men

00:10:48

act and everyone seems so and so

00:10:50

wonderful, but now I’ll tell you

00:10:52

you know that now I think that the fathers

00:10:55

are well done, I adore modern men

00:10:59

because I recently flew back from Eaglet

00:11:02

there started a conference for parents Well,

00:11:04

as a rule, only women Yes, 500

00:11:06

people, some women, of which about 70 people, the

00:11:09

organizers told me there were about 70

00:11:11

men so that a man would raise the priest

00:11:14

came and listened to something from some

00:11:15

strange auntie, but this is already a good job,

00:11:18

well done, and after the training, this man came up and

00:11:21

he was not too lazy to come up and

00:11:23

grab me and say, you know, the topic of

00:11:25

fatherhood is very important, you

00:11:27

said this that we live in the world in the world of

00:11:30

female education I generally know I’m

00:11:35

resisting I think

00:11:39

great, that is, the first swallow

00:11:41

has arrived, he understands female education

00:11:45

needs to be compensated somehow Well, for now we’re

00:11:48

just saying this But in principle, yes,

00:11:50

we live in the world of female education fathers

00:11:53

if there are fathers if they are in nature,

00:11:56

that is, the father is present in the family, where

00:11:58

you are now, where you have a girl,

00:12:00

you were born, here you are now, well, I’m at

00:12:02

work, of course, I come in the evening.

00:12:10

spending time,

00:12:11

firstly, every morning I spend a

00:12:13

whole hour with my son, we read books, we

00:12:15

have fun, we have breakfast, I take him to the

00:12:18

garden and in the evening after I

00:12:19

return from work. I have an hour of time

00:12:22

dedicated to a little, it’s still pointless to

00:12:25

devote because she doesn’t have anything.

00:12:26

understands But when we read books in the evening

00:12:27

she lies

00:12:29

takes away Inna to for your son the basic

00:12:33

adult who has the last word loan Dad

00:12:36

said everything no no Mom said mom

00:12:39

said it’s all true Well, because

00:12:41

mom is the master of the situation, well, mom decides

00:12:45

when and what can be eaten when and that And

00:12:47

when will this change, Nikita, when

00:12:49

will it be the other way around when dad said and so it

00:12:51

will be I think he will grow up a little But

00:12:53

because I also don’t really

00:12:54

understand these children’s things yet, but with age

00:12:57

I see that the difference between me is that

00:12:59

he just listens to me more

00:13:01

Mom’s decision is more important, she

00:13:04

decides the basic things, mom is responsible for what

00:13:06

can be eaten today. Whether it’s sweet or not,

00:13:09

dad always says that it’s possible, but

00:13:10

mom knows better. Well, it’s advisable to speak

00:13:12

like Duda, after all, yes, yes, and

00:13:15

support mom. Dad said this is dad’s

00:13:17

decision. because we have some kind of dad there,

00:13:19

well, if possible. Well, of course,

00:13:21

purely theoretically. That we

00:13:23

are coming back again. Love is acceptance and it is

00:13:25

necessary to accept a child in any way, to develop those

00:13:30

invested in nature and he will mirror you a little bit,

00:13:32

but he will learn

00:13:34

his lessons in life, he will

00:13:36

some kind of achievements Yes, implement

00:13:39

And we will give him What skills of ours what

00:13:42

skills can we give if, for

00:13:44

example, we didn’t have a dad, that’s when you

00:13:48

have to show him something, an example, I should

00:13:50

want to want to show him an example, what to

00:13:52

show if you have The

00:13:57

question itself is not correct. Yes,

00:14:00

because somehow, well, somehow you still

00:14:02

lived in a world of men, and if there is no

00:14:04

basic adult, that is, a father, that is, there are some men

00:14:06

in the yard, there is a grandfather,

00:14:07

there is an uncle, there is a coach, that is, a mother

00:14:09

who understands that she was not smart enough

00:14:12

to keep this man so

00:14:13

that her son could have some kind of basic

00:14:15

adult man, then she needs some

00:14:17

example from the outside world. Well, at least bring in a

00:14:19

literary character so that

00:14:22

the child understands a little that there is

00:14:25

male role behavior and feminine is

00:14:27

different behavior Yes, we have Genes and

00:14:30

there is

00:14:31

gender in the genes; a man has longer

00:14:34

legs; a man has a different psychophysics; he has a

00:14:36

different reaction to events. We are now teaching

00:14:39

both girls and boys in the same class. Well,

00:14:41

what can we do? The school is very inertial

00:14:43

and so smart to create there’s something

00:14:45

of my own, I understand that I’m tandu Well, before

00:14:48

they taught in different

00:14:50

classes because for boys

00:14:52

the temperature in the class should be

00:14:53

colder and lower. They feel better,

00:14:56

they sit less for 30 minutes.

00:14:59

The boy can’t do everything, he just does

00:15:00

n’t perceive anything at all anymore and

00:15:02

girls should be a little cooler when they

00:15:03

are cooler they can’t do anything Yes they

00:15:05

need to be warm, well

00:15:08

comfortable and then they sit calmly this is an

00:15:10

absolute difference Yes and boys

00:15:12

really measure themselves against their role

00:15:14

models They don’t perceive anything at all

00:15:15

and the boy needs to be

00:15:17

interested Why does he need this information

00:15:20

And when a child has a request, he says

00:15:22

dad and he offends me there, you understand

00:15:24

the request and then I sit down on his level and

00:15:27

say let’s think about what you did, you

00:15:30

think as you yourself I think so And mom, that

00:15:32

is, we begin to give him the

00:15:35

variation of events and not

00:15:37

some exact recipe that won’t work in 5 minutes,

00:15:39

because well, he

00:15:43

figured it out differently,

00:15:45

so this means when a child makes a request, you

00:15:48

already know this pattern, we’ll tell

00:15:50

everyone else. That is, the child

00:15:52

begins to build a neural network of 2 million

00:15:54

connections per second, it goes, it goes, it goes it comes and

00:15:57

these are empty

00:15:59

files and it is necessary to put information on them

00:16:02

What kind of information is he able to perceive as

00:16:05

we understand it, he gives a request This is what I

00:16:09

want, this is what I want to see once

00:16:11

we have Lord, don’t touch this knife at all,

00:16:14

hello And then we want him to

00:16:16

save this here is the desire

00:16:18

to be interested in the world when we immediately

00:16:22

extinguished these did not fill out these puzzles Yes,

00:16:26

I realized Well, the opposite situation happens right away

00:16:28

Well, it happens

00:16:30

sometimes that of course he wants everything, I

00:16:33

try For example, yes, show something as much as possible,

00:16:35

but sometimes it’s like this for me

00:16:37

the cucumber pops up Well, I don’t either

00:16:39

And what he wants is something So scary that

00:16:41

sometimes I don’t care what he

00:16:42

wants Well, this happens Well, you also

00:16:45

work from morning to night, well, in the

00:16:46

end Well, that’s also impossible All he

00:16:48

laughs give him everything Well then, let's start

00:16:51

with psychotherapy, you like your work,

00:16:55

nothing is cool, and we come home from work, we don’t

00:16:58

say anything to the child, but I just

00:16:59

come on the topic Oh, my God, Senya is like that

00:17:03

today, I’ll come and say yes, yes,

00:17:05

yes, yes, he will say how cool it is there -

00:17:07

something like that That is, it’s interesting

00:17:09

to work there or, Lord God, the wife comes,

00:17:11

what’s where, what’s where the borsha and the child understand

00:17:15

at work poorly, he lives according to the eye

00:17:18

Yes, that’s why you need to radiate What Well, I want to

00:17:21

radiate that the solution to the problem is not something like

00:17:24

Positive is already a nasty word resource

00:17:26

Positive but in principle cool Excitement Yes kid

00:17:30

Life is wonderful what’s not working out

00:17:31

now let’s decide that again the boy

00:17:35

understands that he doesn’t need to go to his father because he

00:17:37

will This is the reaction Yes and then I

00:17:39

know he says He’s lying he’s not lying he

00:17:41

chose a speech strategy for survival

00:17:43

because he approached the

00:17:45

star once and understood It’s clear that the issue is not

00:17:47

resolved, he very quickly understands how the

00:17:49

issue is resolved If he went up to dad and

00:17:51

said, can I have

00:17:56

this? With your wife,

00:17:59

so that you do some kind of weight in one Duda.

00:18:01

If something is not allowed, then it is not allowed. I have

00:18:04

granddaughters who are 4 years old, they are a beast, they are a beast. Well, I

00:18:08

understand, 4 years and I am sitting with her and then

00:18:11

My husband, grandfather, is this beast. We are sitting

00:18:15

with two different girls you understand

00:18:17

because yours is silky Yes of course but

00:18:20

I can Distract I can say I don’t understand

00:18:22

when you scream I don’t understand grandpa

00:18:25

can’t he says I can’t everything she

00:18:27

wants Hot Well she cried she Well everything

00:18:30

comes grandpa she thinks A now we

00:18:33

'll start, but the child is very flexible, he

00:18:35

has to survive and he has nothing Yes,

00:18:38

let's show empathy yes Nikita

00:18:40

Here you are Baby you have a passport no

00:18:42

mortgage no of course well, nothing at all

00:18:44

nothing no levers only

00:18:47

Yes only you just this

00:18:50

basic adult an adult on whom

00:18:52

life depends, he understands this

00:18:55

person is a vital adult without him I will not

00:18:57

survive and I must like him I must

00:19:01

do as he says otherwise I

00:19:03

will be punished if I don’t like them they will put me in a

00:19:05

corner and they won’t give me candy and he listens very much

00:19:08

he is there here in this

00:19:10

resonance he mirrors ironically and we are like

00:19:12

women to him and that our some

00:19:15

stupid beliefs Be a good

00:19:16

boy good girls don’t

00:19:18

behave like that Why is it more convenient for you ah-ah-ah

00:19:22

ah-ah-ah that’s why I came home from work Yes, I’m

00:19:24

tired I say, boy, I love you terribly,

00:19:26

but I’m tired. And when I’m tired, I

00:19:28

rest like this, but I’ll still be there with you on

00:19:29

VKontakte and he understands when you’re tired, you

00:19:31

can behave like this, or

00:19:33

dad comes and says, I’m tired, get out

00:19:35

of here, the child understands, I understand how to

00:19:38

behave and then dad will be 60 He's 40 he

00:19:41

'll tell dad to him Doo says are

00:19:43

n't you ashamed I gave you my whole life

00:19:45

no oh your Boy will be tired Yes

00:19:48

he will get into some kind of

00:19:49

trouble Yes and he will resolve the issue

00:19:51

in fact, when you’re tired, what should you do? lie down and

00:19:55

relax. You can

00:19:58

cry, but you can say. Don’t yell

00:20:00

at me, you can solve the problem somehow. But

00:20:02

if I’m tired, I’m a very creative

00:20:04

aunt. Yes, my grandson grew up and he

00:20:07

understood what I was saying. Let’s play

00:20:09

Lenin in Lenin if I'm tired you played in

00:20:11

Male I'm lying I'm lying he says And who am I

00:20:14

saying and you are this one and very Yes he

00:20:16

stood for a long time guarding Lenin and then he

00:20:18

realized that something was some kind of sad game

00:20:19

something I don’t like, he

00:20:21

says, just not in Lenin, and I

00:20:23

understand that Lenin won’t work anymore

00:20:26

then we play at the bottom of the sea, it’s just a

00:20:28

great study, it means I’m a whale, I’m a whale, it’s

00:20:30

clear I’m large, I’m lying, I’m a blue whale, I’m

00:20:33

lying, he says A who am I And you are a cheerful

00:20:36

jellyfish and he turns

00:20:40

very circles around me and I say which ones That's it there

00:20:42

Fly there Fly Ask the

00:20:44

dolphin great Well I'll think of something

00:20:47

further Of course yes because you

00:20:49

know grandma is tired Stop it Well there's a lot of

00:20:51

ma Don't be here but then this behavior

00:20:54

will be recorded because the eye is

00:20:55

stronger than the ear and will be broadcast to

00:20:58

everyone and all the boys who are pressuring you

00:21:03

all the boys who are forcing him

00:21:05

to ask dad what to do I don’t know the

00:21:08

non-working scheme you are giving me and dad

00:21:11

will have something to think think to grow with

00:21:14

him Says this kid Come on come on I don’t

00:21:17

know Leave mom alone ask not that Form of

00:21:19

behavior that is a little bit you will

00:21:21

what to do Give him a way to survive

00:21:22

he will see Dad’s excitement that dad is not

00:21:25

scared not ORT is not pushing not but

00:21:28

dad is looking for a way out someday you have to fight

00:21:30

sometime you have to pretend to be a rag

00:21:32

sometime you have to solve the issue by talking

00:21:34

when Well, we can’t give a recipe, we

00:21:37

give in principle a method Yes, this is now

00:21:40

Very cleverly said Uh-huh In principle,

00:21:43

my method is simple, for example, I tell him there he

00:21:45

has one a bad boy who

00:21:48

offends him I told him, well, give it to him in response

00:21:51

And the bad one is your interpretation in his

00:21:53

no, I don’t have them, he says he’s not good,

00:21:54

well, he’s not like that, he says he’s

00:21:56

offending me, sm he’s offending me, he’s doing taking away

00:21:58

toys there, it’s very interesting for him it may be

00:22:02

interesting to see, it

00:22:04

may well be that you show him and tell him

00:22:05

this so and so, that is, it is necessary to give the SSO an

00:22:08

attachment, this is his I’m telling him. Maybe

00:22:10

you’ll answer him somehow and he says No,

00:22:12

I won’t answer No, I’m saying why

00:22:14

he says, I’m afraid that he’ll punish me, I say,

00:22:15

Well, that’s okay. I give you permission. Don’t let him

00:22:17

punish you. No, I won’t, I’d

00:22:19

rather be patient, but no, I won’t

00:22:21

fight. Well, he’s already 5 years old, after all, he’s already

00:22:24

quite like that, and he asks a

00:22:26

question and formulates it. interpretation

00:22:29

that he offends me Yes, he can be

00:22:30

provoked Well, of course, everyone. Everything, do

00:22:32

n’t let me do it. You can provoke it. Yes,

00:22:36

you understand the mechanism for him to say No, I

00:22:39

won’t Yes, for him to formulate a request, what do

00:22:42

I want? Every time he

00:22:45

pushes me I don’t like it anymore Well

00:22:47

then everyone likes it then let's go to the yard

00:22:49

We won't like everyone, we'll

00:22:50

give everyone what they want Well, let's do it,

00:22:52

you know, I had one man, his

00:22:54

granddaughter didn't want to go to school, they beat her,

00:22:56

scolded her, shouted Well, in general, I did

00:22:59

this whole complex and he says Well, okay, don't

00:23:01

go and don’t and Well, what the hell with this

00:23:04

school and took her for a walk, you know where to the

00:23:07

trash heap to the big one Why and there in the

00:23:10

trash heap there were these who and they looked

00:23:14

at this

00:23:15

trash heap and this girl She says

00:23:18

Why are these people here he says Well, Well

00:23:21

in general they are there somehow yes and in and then

00:23:23

she didn’t say anything And the next

00:23:25

morning she said I’ll go to

00:23:26

school

00:23:28

Well, for this you need to get a little

00:23:30

confused, but screaming and pushing

00:23:33

is also a lot of pain, a big load,

00:23:35

it’s better to direct your energy to that to

00:23:37

find a way out seriously find a way out give a

00:23:39

lever that will solve the issue because what is the

00:23:42

world like you know what will happen

00:23:44

in a year state in a year tomorrow what

00:23:47

skills will be needed you gave birth to

00:23:48

an alien while the alien

00:23:51

is mirroring you Nikitochka Yes, for now he

00:23:53

says, well, let’s agree I won’t

00:23:56

somehow I’m a little bit

00:23:58

because Nikita

00:24:00

had his own kind of a father in his head and

00:24:01

now I was like this, it was good, that means there

00:24:03

was no example at all I will be the

00:24:05

first in our family there’s a question

00:24:07

of interpretation Yes, what kind of dad are you flexible

00:24:10

flexible Excellent What is flexibility This is

00:24:13

any extension when we actually

00:24:15

solve the issue because at some

00:24:17

point the scheme will stop working yes

00:24:20

Study well and you will be happy

00:24:22

great scheme Everyone comes after the

00:24:24

eleventh grade with a certificate And what

00:24:26

And what where Happiness where Happiness was promised

00:24:29

I learned well what to do I don’t

00:24:31

like everyone I hate the certificate There is no

00:24:33

happiness

00:24:34

There is no need to give knowledge, but

00:24:36

emotional intelligence You need to give

00:24:38

ways of survival because the world

00:24:41

will change dramatically This is the Digital

00:24:44

world, this is a terrible thing, we are not very

00:24:46

ready yet In general Yes, what to raise a child on this topic

00:24:50

We ourselves don’t know what

00:24:51

skills to give, but at least stay in contact with

00:24:53

him, at least so that he

00:24:55

asks you some questions, and yes, we

00:24:59

mostly talked now, as it seems to me, it’s

00:25:00

more about the relationship between father and son,

00:25:03

but I have also a daughter Let’s

00:25:06

also say that children have such a

00:25:09

stable expression, well,

00:25:11

the father should raise the sons, and

00:25:13

accordingly the mother should raise the daughter.

00:25:15

But I think that this is not entirely true. Well,

00:25:18

firstly, yes, physiologically, it’s in the genes.

00:25:22

These are completely different children they have different

00:25:24

predispositions, they have different

00:25:26

leg lengths due to testosterone, the boy will be

00:25:27

longer, he will stretch out, he

00:25:30

will check dad all the time for

00:25:32

lice, he will always

00:25:33

climb somewhere. Yes, the girl has a different

00:25:34

predisposition, some other games

00:25:37

and, in principle, daddy owes the girl that

00:25:40

now write down to love and pamper to

00:25:42

love and pamper because then she

00:25:45

is the first man who should

00:25:47

like her Yes, you know, and what topic

00:25:50

he likes her about, this is what she will do in the future,

00:25:52

only this will be distributed,

00:25:54

only this will be duplicated if she was

00:25:56

supposed to be with me girl she, Lord

00:25:59

forgive me, is a kept woman, a kept woman of a

00:26:01

rich man Yes, and that means she

00:26:04

stands at the window for a week waiting for him. Then he arrives

00:26:07

Saturday Sunday, diamonds and a fur coat. That’s

00:26:09

all, and he again puts it somewhere and

00:26:11

she again stands at the window and when we are with them

00:26:14

and I I say a request for what, Darling, that

00:26:16

you called me She says, well, in general,

00:26:19

he has another one like this,

00:26:21

you know, I’m very worried. That is, she does

00:26:23

n’t take me into a request on the topic How can I

00:26:25

change this in general, how can I even

00:26:27

start living on my own? she wants

00:26:30

everything to be as before, so that there won’t be another

00:26:32

passion like this, so she has a request, that is, a

00:26:33

person doesn’t formulate life

00:26:36

differently, why because dad was a very rich

00:26:39

Businessman and she waited for him all week He

00:26:42

promised a zoo and promised somewhere else - then

00:26:44

somewhere there was a story with dolphins and she was

00:26:46

waiting for him all week and He came there once

00:26:48

on Saturday and felt

00:26:50

terribly guilty about this and gave her everything and

00:26:53

this was recorded Yes and then it was just

00:26:55

duplicated and duplicated as long as it was necessary to

00:26:56

pull her out like her I had to

00:26:58

bite in all the places like she had to be

00:27:00

humiliated, insulted, told what

00:27:01

would happen to her next so that she would finally say

00:27:03

that I actually want to buy this apartment myself.

00:27:05

I don’t even want to stand by the window.

00:27:07

Who is he anyway? But

00:27:09

all these need to be rewritten these are childhood

00:27:11

impressions Yes, that’s why it’s very important

00:27:13

that the dad was Well, he felt

00:27:16

that this would be the man for whom the

00:27:18

girl would then choose from all the men in the world

00:27:20

and marry him.

00:27:28

there is no need to take her to the zoo, or I do

00:27:29

n’t understand, or should I do this more often,

00:27:31

what’s the problem, you need to understand a little that

00:27:33

this will ultimately be her way of choosing

00:27:35

men, this is how dad will charge the

00:27:38

behavior this will be for her, this is her

00:27:41

predisposition That is, she most

00:27:43

likely will fall in love with a person who will

00:27:44

look like dad, yes yes, so Dad, well,

00:27:46

accepting, well, maybe

00:27:49

provoking some things so that she somehow

00:27:50

develops, listen to her Well, spoil her a little,

00:27:53

but mom won’t give it too much, mom

00:27:55

will somehow teach her how to nest there

00:27:57

Yes therefore, in principle, dad and mom

00:27:59

occupy What positions are opposite?

00:28:02

Yeah, if mom is very authoritarian, then dad

00:28:06

obeys and If mom accepts this

00:28:08

quality and interprets it as a plus, then the

00:28:12

girl has two role behaviors: Mom’s and

00:28:14

dad’s, and she can then

00:28:16

display both behavior. What if Mom doesn’t

00:28:18

accept this behavior every time

00:28:20

she says These guys are like that, that is, it’s

00:28:22

desirable that’s why a good dad is

00:28:25

first of all a good person who is a husband and

00:28:28

then a person, so dad

00:28:30

should preferably get along with mom very well

00:28:32

choose a mom whose quality

00:28:36

touches him You succeeded Yes I

00:28:39

did a great job And now there’s a

00:28:41

continuation of this beloved woman of yours.

00:28:43

Here in this little little motley

00:28:45

we’ll have 15 years, soon it’ll be absolutely great

00:28:47

and she’ll do it just like her mom, just like that,

00:28:49

she’ll just be like that. So

00:28:51

dad will be saying how I

00:28:52

like you How wonderful you are, she

00:28:54

will be capricious I don’t understand when you

00:28:56

cry meh I like it like

00:28:58

this and then again

00:29:00

she will issue a little request someone is

00:29:02

offending her, let’s figure it out Why for

00:29:06

all sorts of things Female psychology Here I have all sorts of

00:29:09

difficulties, one friend also has a

00:29:12

complete set of a boy and a girl, and the

00:29:14

other has only a girl, she is the same age as

00:29:16

my son and we sometimes

00:29:18

talk and sometimes I just don’t

00:29:20

understand how she is, for example, there, well, they are

00:29:23

more emotional Girls, I’m like this

00:29:25

I notice Well, how Boro is with her When, for example, he’s

00:29:28

hysterical because the socks are wrong,

00:29:30

he’s Prince to her But all this, the world just

00:29:34

collapsed, she means we need to come to an agreement in the evening.

00:29:37

Let’s get

00:29:39

the socks ready in the evening, and this is it And

00:29:41

this is it there is once we understand how

00:29:43

what kind of reaction occurs and then based on this

00:29:45

fact we begin to understand the hysterics are

00:29:47

intersected by the lack of reactions to these

00:29:49

hysterics Yes, because she once

00:29:51

pushed somewhere once she

00:29:53

took the voice from the child, both the boy and the girl

00:29:55

have one way to achieve what, how

00:29:59

to cry horse, well, really, it’s a child who did

00:30:02

n’t invent it, it’s nature who invented it, he

00:30:05

achieves it with the help of Scream and it

00:30:07

worked like a charm, mom cried, she cried, they

00:30:09

fed her, here’s the working scheme, this is a

00:30:11

button I’m crying and then you have to stop

00:30:15

crying and talk. Are you crazy?

00:30:17

there is a scheme that worked 100 times and now we

00:30:19

need to rewrite it Well, yes, but this should

00:30:21

be rewritten by who I am and who will not

00:30:24

fall for this button before I do

00:30:26

n’t understand when it’s like this Hush This is technology,

00:30:29

this is necessary to destroy old habits

00:30:31

let’s do something of yours let's

00:30:32

rewrite the habit and the same thing for

00:30:35

a child, we need to rewrite the habit of not

00:30:37

crying but speaking in words, this is just

00:30:41

the number of repetitions that brings this

00:30:42

new habit into action and we are already

00:30:44

talking when you scream I don’t understand

00:30:46

calmly we say I heard you I

00:30:49

understand you let’s think but I I

00:30:51

can’t I have no time that you have no time

00:30:52

where are you all running all of you have a child

00:30:55

he has a childhood of 5 years Well, seven and then he is

00:30:57

divided somewhere in Society and that’s all why

00:31:00

Well 7 years Well comrades parents I

00:31:02

have no time I have some kind of work work, what kind of

00:31:05

work Well, then time will pass. So you

00:31:07

paid attention to him, instead of

00:31:09

building your career, he will ask you for money.

00:31:11

And you tell him nothing, and I say, I’m

00:31:14

building a career now, I don’t have money,

00:31:15

so you’re dear and it will also be

00:31:17

very useful for him. because he will see

00:31:19

that dad is so calm and the

00:31:22

survivors who are given money are

00:31:25

happy, I don’t

00:31:27

even know what happiness is Yes, that’s the question to

00:31:30

answer. Here are some people who

00:31:36

survive, everyone says Tell me the recipe for whatever

00:31:39

to do, what to do from it It’s very

00:31:42

difficult We even talk about ourselves we don’t

00:31:44

know anything Well, we can also start from him, so I

00:31:46

ask him I recently said what do you want

00:31:48

What would you like it for a long time

00:31:51

long long very

00:31:52

nothing I have BC You

00:31:55

know the question you want Well, this is

00:31:58

a list I’m now so to speak if

00:32:00

there was a time I composed before the poet What do you

00:32:02

want you understand from his reaction

00:32:04

how much he has not closed

00:32:07

these internal needs violas are

00:32:09

disgusting Yes, but in principle the child stands

00:32:11

and says I will no longer apologize

00:32:14

supposedly Here he is standing And I say more I

00:32:16

won’t You understand that he will, of course, he

00:32:18

will, of course, because he is offended, he grows

00:32:21

horns, he says, in general, you know,

00:32:22

don’t treat me like that, or he

00:32:24

says, I won’t do it anymore, I won’t

00:32:26

do it anymore Yes, it won’t, that is, you really have to

00:32:30

not look, but see see and so it’s

00:32:32

not what you want, but I see how your

00:32:35

eye lit up when you looked. I don’t

00:32:37

know, there’s a red car there, my grandson, I

00:32:40

went for a walk with him when he was little. He was there and he

00:32:42

saw the car. That’s the Nikita garbage truck,

00:32:45

the garbage truck, you saw it, a beautiful big one,

00:32:49

and there such a brutal man is sitting and he

00:32:52

opens up and it’s garbage then and he

00:32:54

said and I’ll be a garbage driver pose we are

00:32:58

happier an intelligent family I

00:33:01

would be happier yes Then it means he

00:33:03

saw a dinosaur and I calmed down thank

00:33:05

God He just sees something like that that

00:33:07

is well, a purely artistic nature, but in

00:33:09

principle, yes, from his reaction you can see where

00:33:12

he is imprinting and then he really

00:33:14

loved to get somewhere, to get somewhere, we understood

00:33:16

football, he says somehow the EU looks down

00:33:18

I don’t like it, it means to get there everything

00:33:20

went basketball That is, this a little bit we

00:33:22

need to proceed not from what he says,

00:33:25

but from what he shows with his body,

00:33:27

so the question Well, you know, it’s like in

00:33:29

Sberbank they ask will you take out a loan Well,

00:33:31

hello, what do you want, let’s

00:33:33

try to go somewhere and you

00:33:36

see that he likes to go likes with you

00:33:37

or doesn’t like it as you can see right away yes Well you

00:33:41

can see how people stand at the stops who are

00:33:44

waiting for the tram and go to a place where he

00:33:46

likes how he is waiting for the tram Well that’s it

00:33:48

and the one who thinks Lord God what

00:33:50

are these trams yes Well you can see from the people It’s

00:33:53

just that you need to turn on for you, you

00:33:54

can see that you are a luxurious man,

00:33:59

well, that you are tuned to on the

00:34:01

intellect intellect, you are right away, so

00:34:04

this is immediately visible, therefore, your child in

00:34:06

any case will understand that it is very

00:34:08

good to be smart, I really hope it is it It

00:34:11

seems to me that there’s no need to hope for this, it

00:34:12

would be good

00:34:14

to give him some other skills, but with this it’s more difficult for

00:34:16

Doug, he will meet such boys both

00:34:18

in kindergarten and at school Yeah, who will

00:34:21

solve the problem differently. The last

00:34:22

question seems to me this is very important for

00:34:26

my peers, so to speak, Yes, we

00:34:29

all ask this question, which means

00:34:30

now very often Everyone blames my

00:34:32

parents, everything is bad in my life, I’m

00:34:35

bad because mom, dad or

00:34:37

something else, and naturally we all think Well, that

00:34:40

means I’m doing something now screwed up and my

00:34:42

dear one in 15 years will also

00:34:44

say Well, dad, I’m all because of

00:34:46

him, is it possible to do something so

00:34:48

as not to become the cause of neuroses and

00:34:50

psychoses for your child? Or,

00:34:53

somehow, don’t worry about this

00:34:55

I would be weak to ask at all

00:34:57

Yes, what is it? Yes, it’s universal. The button

00:35:00

is a button, out of guilt,

00:35:02

anyone can say, well, well, well, well,

00:35:03

well, Nikita, I was expecting some questions from you in

00:35:06

general, what is it?

00:35:08

felt, felt enthusiasm? Yes,

00:35:10

it’s a universal button, yes Because

00:35:12

you can’t hit, beating has already been canceled, well, almost

00:35:15

everywhere. And what should poor

00:35:18

parents do? And they are implementing

00:35:20

this working scheme. You don’t meet

00:35:22

my expectations as I wanted you to be

00:35:25

and that’s why I generally feel bad. You should

00:35:28

be ashamed. This is a universal button like

00:35:30

it. a child is being formed at home alone, he is

00:35:35

no longer there I don’t know a teenager and the keys have already

00:35:37

been hung up and he is already at home Duma of his ancestors no

00:35:40

cheers sitting playing bubbles blowing like this

00:35:43

enjoying

00:35:44

life chick-chick the

00:35:47

parent comes after work the mother and sees that the

00:35:51

child is lying on the sofa What does the

00:35:53

mother do Le him Date

00:35:55

why the apartment was washed dirty And you’re a

00:35:59

psychic Yes, one hundred percent cooks

00:36:01

everyone answers in unison of course the mother is

00:36:02

unhappy and what could not be This is And

00:36:04

the lessons What did you do in general This

00:36:05

couldn’t be helped the mother couldn’t be

00:36:07

helped of course the children also

00:36:10

understood something there is when a mother expresses her

00:36:14

dissatisfaction with life, so

00:36:16

they pin it on him, and if you feel good, then it’s your

00:36:18

fault because then I feel bad when

00:36:20

you feel good, don’t do that, don’t do

00:36:22

that, and this button won’t be formed, it’s

00:36:24

no one’s fault that you feel bad, your health

00:36:26

means mom can’t organize yourself

00:36:28

This is a resource, so don’t put pressure on it, don’t

00:36:31

create a guilt button, it simply

00:36:32

won’t be there And if they’re trying to

00:36:34

push you like that, Nikita, it’s just universal

00:36:36

no one As long as no one hears you through connections, you

00:36:38

don’t need to manipulate my feeling of

00:36:40

guilt, just say it straight, don’t

00:36:42

manipulate my feeling Well,

00:36:44

you are a woman, there is no need to manipulate

00:36:47

my feelings of guilt

00:36:49

several times this button

00:36:52

stops working and falls off and you

00:36:54

think Well, I don’t correspond to people What I

00:36:57

should be and what is great uh

00:37:01

Use it Thank you very much Irina

00:37:03

it was incredibly interesting I’m so

00:37:05

wonderful Thank you you, too, SBO, you two are

00:37:08

smart People are so so

00:37:11

beautiful It was Speak Hour And today

00:37:13

my guest was a wonderful coach,

00:37:16

motivator, author of his own methodology and

00:37:19

creator of many courses on family

00:37:21

relationships and raising children Irina

00:37:23

Kovaleva Thank you and thank you

00:37:28

[music]

00:37:48

a

Description:

Подписывайтесь на телеграм-канал RTVI: https://t.me/rtvimain Гость программы «Час Speak» — тренер-мотиватор Ирина Ковалева. В интервью Никите Рудакову она рассказала, как выглядит хороший папа, в какую сторону поменялась роль отца, почему воспитание сына и дочки различаются, почему мальчики дерутся, а девочки закатывают истерики, как не вестись на манипуляции ребенка и почему родители не должны формировать у детей чувство вины. Подписывайтесь на @RTVItainment и ставьте лайки RTVI Новости — все главные события в формате 24/7: https://www.youtube.com/user/myRTVi 00:00 «Час Speak». Хороший папа 01:25 Как выглядит хороший папа? 04:54 Эксперимент от гостя. Почему ребенок отзеркаливает родителей? 06:50 Как из мальчика воспитать «настоящего мужчину»? 08:14 Почему мальчики дерутся? 09:50 Как поменялась роль отца? 14:00 Какие навыки отец может дать своему ребенку, если у него не было отца? 16:45 Как ребенок выживает во взрослой среде? 22:00 Про манипуляции, чтобы направить ребенка в нужное русло 25:33 Почему отцы должны баловать дочек? 29:41 Как не реагировать на истерики ребенка? 32:20 Как правильно задавать ребенку вопрос о том, что он хочет? 34:57 Про формирование чувства вины у ребенка

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