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Video tags
Subtitles
Russian
00:00:00
[applause] comrade practical, your order has been carried out,00:00:03
wait, so it’s like I didn’t00:00:05
order anything And we didn’t do anything00:00:12
to the left,00:00:16
so there’s a package00:00:19
all around, comrade ensign, a package for you, a00:00:24
package for you, not for you, but for us, we do00:00:28
n’t need it,00:00:36
so watermelon I I00:00:41
I Remember I’m the penultimate letter in00:00:45
alphabet last you what00:00:49
uh I yu not yu00:00:54
I what yu00:00:56
I I'll give you yu I ensign said yay chi00:01:02
yay tomorrow is a review of army00:01:06
amateur performances it's time to take the horse by the00:01:10
horns So you'll be performing with us Little Hunchback00:01:13
oh wolf00:01:24
river I don't understand Who has a00:01:28
mobile phone turn off your mobile phone in the barracks00:01:31
how many times should00:01:33
you speak be00:01:36
silent who should I00:01:40
find Dima00:01:42
Beline and00:01:45
here you won’t sing at my parade I00:01:48
understand you will be00:01:51
juggling three00:01:54
balls at the review I’ll only have00:01:58
two weights you’ll make these stupid jokes00:02:01
you know00:02:03
where in the program Laughing is allowed And00:02:07
here circus O I mean, this is00:02:10
the army now Shut your mouth and00:02:15
tell me, in principle, have you ever00:02:19
seen a juggler in your life Are you kidding me A Step00:02:28
march is shorter,00:02:33
stop once00:02:36
two You00:02:39
where to00:02:42
stand means Remember once and for all00:02:45
tomorrow at00:02:47
10:00 when the big Arrow reaches00:02:50
Yak Arrow I have a watch Electron00:02:56
is out Don't worry, set it aside00:03:07
at 10:00 on your watch at00:03:12
000 I mean, you'll be performing for me,00:03:16
sit like pigs in a den I00:03:20
actually know that I have a billion complaints about you The00:03:21
day before yesterday you forgot to water the00:03:24
flowers, of course it's your fault and the00:03:30
chessboard has completely disappeared The King and00:03:40
that order are not cleared up at all in the barracks,00:03:44
the theft of beauty continues. Can I00:03:46
ask you Tae a delicate question, ask00:03:50
why our table eggs are00:03:58
small when don’t ask anymore, I understood, I’m00:04:01
still a00:04:03
better ensign Remember about your00:04:07
future If you perform well tomorrow at the00:04:09
inspection of the canteen,00:04:11
normal00:04:19
human00:04:21
products will immediately appear and in general there is a winged folk00:04:24
wisdom that you need to keep your head in00:04:25
hunger and your legs in a00:04:28
noose Who said this The great Russian00:04:32
poet Alexei00:04:35
Pushkin Literacy Alexey00:04:41
Alexander Alexey is Leo00:04:47
Tolstoy they will recruit fools in the00:04:51
army You know where our headquarters is located00:04:54
This is where you take the00:04:58
women kazar00:05:02
I will give you ba yes You just00:05:07
promise to stand your heels together with your socks in Ros00:05:12
when I say socks in Ros you need to take off your00:05:14
socks and throw them in different00:05:17
directions just kidding Okay Rest now00:05:20
you take it seriously So this is how you take the left00:05:24
ball in your left hand and right ball to00:05:27
the right and I understand00:05:31
so in this00:05:33
position I’ll explain to the stupid if my00:05:37
left ear itches why would I scratch00:05:39
it with my right00:05:41
hand I’ll scratch00:05:48
the right I don’t understand And that Levy will00:05:50
remain unkempt like that Listen, who are00:05:55
you taking me for a fool and Is00:06:00
this really not clear to anyone idiot, I00:06:04
already00:06:05
understood you take three balls, one in each00:06:09
hand. What’s incomprehensible here? There are only two00:06:13
hands. I’m sorry, like00:06:16
two. Well, of course, you have two.00:06:19
If you had three hands, you00:06:26
would be listed in the Red Book of00:06:29
Records as an00:06:31
owl. Well, like this Martian with Moons Do you00:06:35
even remember what a military order is? A00:06:38
military order is the entry into the00:06:40
commander directly luke e00:06:41
excitement for the00:06:43
right one. I order you, uh-huh, you00:06:46
order your lyre00:06:49
balls00:06:53
[music]00:06:58
come on [music]00:07:02
for00:07:05
[music]00:07:11
to me, here it is the magical power of the army00:07:16
order zharma without an ensign it’s like a cage00:07:20
without a monkey ha00:07:28
Mar00:07:35
our potential is much more capable from00:07:37
Odessa they sent such a letter the house is a00:07:40
twelve-story former Soviet elevator00:07:43
they removed they didn’t deliver all the floors they were00:07:46
rented out they decided to open a bakery oven00:07:48
big pretzels like cows and just like that00:07:52
we’ll say Well, they rented the twelfth floor which00:07:54
remained empty and the first on the First00:07:57
they decided to sell And on the twelfth there is no stove and00:07:59
there is no elevator to apply, because what if we come up with a00:08:04
pipe to run from d on the00:08:07
first zigzag, just like in the00:08:09
water park they made a larger diameter of 100:08:14
m Here is the first day of opening on the first00:08:17
floor, the buyers upstairs00:08:24
baked00:08:28
yours imagining what00:08:30
would be smeared pipe so that they can00:08:34
slide, you know what speed00:08:37
the bun picks up when on the twelfth floor It is the00:08:40
first to slide on the surface and now the00:08:44
first one stands up, it means below he is screaming00:08:49
let’s blow it to hell00:08:52
first, we are getting00:08:54
through the rest of the pretzels bombed the entire00:08:57
first stage,00:09:01
tell me who else it could be, what00:09:04
kind Russian interesting people, there are countless of them.00:09:07
I know a rich00:09:09
man who lives in Yuval. I came to see00:09:13
him and watch football, and suddenly, during00:09:14
football, a huge00:09:17
plasma monster crawled out from under his panel, Makhna.00:09:22
skulls Why is it00:09:25
furry? And he made a house there for the00:09:27
turtle, I say Why is it furry? Is it00:09:29
really a00:09:31
hybrid of someone with someone else?00:09:44
Who00:09:48
will guess, I say And that he00:09:51
cut out a circle in the middle, he says, I’m walking with her so00:09:53
that the spoons don’t get lost, I stick it00:09:58
in.00:09:59
This would all be for the benefit of the00:10:02
Motherland, this is not all for the benefit of the00:10:05
Motherland, that’s what’s00:10:07
a pity Novosibirsk end of April,00:10:10
20 degrees00:10:12
Celsius, got into the trolleybus, the heating00:10:15
is working people are sweating to the fullest00:10:16
one of the passengers couldn't00:10:19
stand it Why is the heating on00:10:21
the conductor's calm answer the driver00:10:23
is heating up lunch00:10:24
[music]00:10:28
nere a00:10:30
young guy came to the00:10:33
pharmacy sometimes pharmacists write to me Well, there are00:10:35
such questions there, girls come00:10:37
and ask do you have gynecological00:10:39
lipstick there in the pills where Poland00:10:43
is written there00:10:45
and the drops in the left ear there a00:10:48
young guy came and took two00:10:51
pills out of his pocket and said what kind of00:10:56
pill this was, he said, how do I know, he00:10:58
said, I licked it, like it’s00:11:03
sweet, the dentist writes from Murmansk and00:11:08
comes to see me, a respectable, intelligent00:11:10
man sits down in chair I'm asking00:11:12
what tooth is bothering the top00:11:15
bottom the answer is yes, I'll find it with a marker00:11:22
white it00:11:25
will be born this is my00:11:27
favorite I wrote yesterday a woman watched a00:11:30
funny scene a very drunk woman came up to the café a00:11:32
very drunk woman asked for00:11:34
chewing gum saying you know about00:11:38
I drank vodka konya port wine and beer There was00:11:43
only one column missing and he says00:11:45
to drown out the smell, he00:11:48
gives it to her, it’s impossible to drown it out, he gives her chewing gum,00:11:52
she says And this chewing gum is harmful to00:11:54
the stomach,00:12:01
of course, a lot of letters come about America00:12:04
this summer, I went on a program to America00:12:06
when I was filling out an application for a visa, there was a question about00:12:08
you00:12:10
terrorist Oh, they have everything on the contrary, everything is according to the00:12:14
instructions, a young American guy came to00:12:17
rob a grocery store,00:12:20
pointed a gun, says money, money,00:12:22
put it on Stock, the seller And when he was leaving,00:12:25
this American saw a bottle of00:12:27
whiskey, he robs and says whiskey,00:12:31
another brilliant twist, the seller tells00:12:34
you 20 years00:12:36
No he tells me no and the ID of00:12:44
the show So they are funny and we are but00:12:47
in different ways the penguin escaped from the Washington00:12:50
zoo he had to be caught I don’t00:12:53
know what will happen to you the00:12:55
Washington police gave out a photo of the penguin00:13:01
imagine a penguin walking down the street00:13:03
a policeman takes out the photo Izet this00:13:06
this penguin or00:13:08
another00:13:13
guy wrote recently, a00:13:15
friend of mine called a girl recently and asks00:13:17
how to translate from English, I answer, I do00:13:20
n’t know, she says, damn, no one00:13:26
knows, they sell milk in the country called00:13:29
mine, well, we need to come up with something like that,00:13:32
two came from Russia, they say give us00:13:35
coffee with milk She tells you What kind of00:13:37
milk to add about govo And what kind of milk do you have about00:13:39
says00:13:42
mine tells you It00:13:46
’s a tradition to give milk to people and also in00:13:50
Crimea we stopped in victory in a Tatar00:13:53
restaurant I can’t order three kebabs00:13:56
my waiter asks for more I say00:13:59
bread Three to each in 10 minutes she00:14:02
brings us on a tray half a loaf of00:14:04
grated bread, what is it? You yourself00:14:08
said00:14:13
three, calmly, calmly, I’ll tell you something funny there,00:14:16
now00:14:18
in our city there is a House of00:14:20
Culture in Arkhangelsk Rodina, two girls,00:14:24
you from DKA Rodina started calling a00:14:26
taxi, dispatcher, US taxi service. How many00:14:29
of them are there? from where to pick them up they answer The00:14:32
two of us are00:14:38
ugly calmly calmly at the finish00:14:41
line we are leaving the programmer wrote to me00:14:44
the programmer wrote a young letter drinking coffee at work00:14:46
What a calm beginning Peaceful a00:14:49
ladybug fell into a mug Nowhere in the00:14:52
world is this a00:14:56
dramaturgical premise I decided to save her I00:15:01
took pity on the00:15:04
animal I decided to wash it dry it and00:15:08
let it go, that is, there’s really00:15:10
nothing to do for the kid I went to the toilet with the cow00:15:13
I like this process I’ll say I’m standing in00:15:16
the toilet I put the cow under my tap00:15:22
Suddenly the boss comes out of the stall and00:15:26
looks at me for 20 seconds00:15:29
then seriously asks what are you doing I00:15:33
answer him honestly my God00:15:37
box The boss hung up for 10 seconds, then00:15:40
went quietly muttering under his breath, people need to00:15:42
pay their00:15:47
salaries urgently, the girl wrote You're00:15:49
joking about blondes about us and the guys are even00:15:52
dumber I met one00:15:57
DTM here and asked to buy something00:16:01
for00:16:02
tea at the pharmacy so this woodpecker locked up00:16:11
a hematogen with a friend to have fun to have fun to00:16:13
scare someone and there are00:16:16
no other treatments because they bought bombs with him00:16:20
in a00:16:22
pyrotechnics store and hid in a tree in00:16:25
the park00:16:26
waiting for broly bombs it turned out AHO remember00:16:30
Russian people sometimes the other pit itself doesn’t care, there was a00:16:33
flock of thieves sitting on a tree and they00:16:46
all [ __ ] themselves A we were driving between Bryansk and00:16:51
Smolensk, we stopped in nicely, so go to a00:16:54
coffee shop on the way to eat something, we stopped in00:16:57
and there Nera was on the tables. And the waitress, too, does00:17:01
n’t recognize me from those people, which is generally00:17:04
disgusting, I think maybe I’ll recognize him by my voice, I00:17:07
say, you can tidy up. She says00:17:17
tidy up calmly. calmly still need strength00:17:23
letter Uncle Misha I recently came home00:17:26
under the date fell into the bathtub crashed over my00:17:29
head the faucet ripped off the head00:17:31
normal and the water pressure was like hitting the ceiling00:17:36
[music]00:17:38
juju for the first time in my life flooded the00:17:49
upstairs neighbors in Moscow in the Kremlin Palace there was a00:17:52
concert of my favorite band00:17:55
Medvedev, as some00:17:57
say, the00:18:00
lead singer of the00:18:01
ensemble00:18:03
Medvedev's Friendship in the whole world there are legends among00:18:07
famous people, what kind of philanthropist they00:18:10
do, this spoilage of rice and all the00:18:13
concerts in the world, he started like this everywhere,00:18:15
only in Russia, without asking, he00:18:18
went out and started the concert like this lka00:18:21
microphone00:18:23
ivori00:18:27
kazhy one00:18:34
person is dying, this [ __ ] touched everyone in the world00:18:37
except the00:18:38
Russians, only he said it instantly,00:18:41
the voice of the men's hall [ __ ] Stop it,00:18:54
don't you want to, How are you00:18:57
hitting00:19:01
your head?00:19:11
what he's doing is interfering with sleep, I go up and ask00:19:12
who00:19:14
the janitor is telling me, I'm telling you what he's saying, I00:19:17
went to sweep the00:19:19
street, I forgot the broom and the key, but00:19:25
this indignant one says tell me in00:19:28
room 52 of00:19:30
the apartment. Why did you00:19:36
call me?00:19:43
oh brilliant people Yes calm00:19:50
calm story from the last just a00:19:53
week ago I received a letter from a00:19:56
bank employee I’m sitting working suddenly00:19:59
a call and a girl runs in from the street bank on the00:20:03
first floor Budovsky Prospekt says00:20:05
faster faster there your ATM is choking00:20:08
[music]00:20:09
grandma we are all00:20:11
[music]00:20:16
[ music]00:20:40
and this was written to me by a former00:20:42
German, our00:20:44
German, many of them have already left for Germany,00:20:49
he writes to me, can you imagine it’s so00:20:50
difficult for me to live in Berlin, I’m still in00:20:57
Russia, and even the red light is on, but there are00:21:00
no cars, they are standing still and in the morning00:21:02
I’m in a hurry red light for work I00:21:05
understand the traffic light has deteriorated, he says in00:21:08
Berlin it takes 3 minutes and it doesn’t00:21:11
stand still, he says you really are00:21:14
right, they are00:21:16
stupid, I would have switched long ago if it were in00:21:19
Russia And here I am German, I can’t and suddenly00:21:21
they write about me I feel like this Pride00:21:23
is his words when I hear from behind the Russian00:21:25
voice behind the crowd that has accumulated not Yes in your mouth00:21:31
legs and a man with leaps and00:21:34
bounds Pasha across the pavement and further00:21:38
Brilliantly the Germans looked at each other and00:21:42
went our man turned with a puree said00:21:45
Yes it’s damn hard for you without Yura00:21:54
T I’m already wondering how long you can, the00:21:58
fourth hour is nearing the00:22:00
end of Yanukovych, here is a serious pepper, he00:22:06
speaks Russian poorly, and he said that his00:22:08
favorite poetess Anna00:22:10
Akhmetova Well, because the Donetsk00:22:12
authority of Akhmet, he has little authority00:22:17
and they decided to teach him just two phrases before the meeting with Obama00:22:19
English00:22:22
First, when he sees Obama getting00:22:26
closer, he must say are you must00:22:28
say what it means How are you00:22:30
doing How are you here is the00:22:33
answer I am wonderful and also with And you, like00:22:39
you, must say00:22:41
Mr. what does it mean I,00:22:43
too, have been sitting here teaching for months00:22:49
n saw00:22:53
ba00:22:57
speak00:23:00
means Who you00:23:03
are they00:23:04
say Obama for the first time00:23:09
turned pale so pale attacked him but00:23:13
got his bearings onro answered00:23:16
him what it means I am a00:23:27
husband00:23:33
and I received this letter from the city of Cancun00:23:36
by email Cancun is Mexico,00:23:39
many Americans vacation there, they go00:23:40
diving, you started flying there and00:23:43
Our people write to me Well, you’re right, they’re all format-00:23:46
minded at not 20 meters deep, you can definitely00:23:50
see who was That the Americans lay out00:23:53
hearts with stones, they do00:23:56
n’t have enough imagination for more, they00:23:59
went down 50 meters00:24:01
on large stones at the bottom, a three-00:24:10
letter word And it was a traffic cop who stopped me00:24:14
in front of the tunnel in Krylatskoye in00:24:16
Moscow and says Oh, I'm a great car,00:24:18
he says I dreamed of seeing you at last00:24:21
You're coming, I'll tell you Don't be sorry, a00:24:23
Porsche with Voronezh license plates was leaving the tunnel00:24:27
and there's a dinosaur behind the wheel00:24:31
and the headlights don't come on, the00:24:34
headlights should turn on automatically But then00:24:36
they don’t tell me and this traffic cop tells me I00:24:39
stopped him, I’m wondering what I’m telling00:24:41
the dinosaur. Why didn’t the girl turn on the00:24:45
light in the00:24:46
tunnel? She says you’re an00:24:49
[ __ ]. I’m from Voronezh, you see. How do I know00:24:52
where you have in the tunnel in Moscow? Turn on the light00:25:02
the way you want. I’m afraid that Now the agony00:25:07
will begin in our village Trubachev letter of the00:25:10
Omsk region there was such a case, one00:25:13
housewife put a mash on the wheat00:25:17
when she drove out the moonshine from it, the remaining00:25:20
grain was poured out of the bathhouse, the00:25:27
geese saw the wheat and00:25:32
pecked until the housewife came back from the00:25:36
evening milking, discovered the zaba did not00:25:41
die with tears on in the eyes of midnight00:25:45
I was fiddling with the snig00:25:51
pu, so that there would be some benefit and the skid geese00:25:56
behind the baths think we’ll00:26:00
bury them foolishly, local fishermen wipe their whites in the00:26:04
morning When they saw how naked geese go00:26:08
to the00:26:14
lake This modernization was in Paris,00:26:17
they put toilets on the streets in which there is no00:26:20
need for anything that touch clean00:26:23
absolutely go to the toilet this00:26:25
modernization on ours was not very00:26:27
calculated It was planned00:26:28
that in the toilet a photocell opens the00:26:31
door you go on the step you go up the00:26:33
step goes down under the weight of your body and the00:26:35
door closes automatically when you00:26:38
go down the step the step00:26:40
goes up the door opens you00:26:42
go out So the stall is watered00:26:53
neither our man had ever seen Paris like this with a shower. He00:26:57
went into the toilet and stood on the00:27:01
step. The door00:27:03
[music]00:27:05
closed and he climbed his feet onto the00:27:11
toilet. The step00:27:14
went up, the door opened. Paris,00:27:18
admiration for the eagle, a man sits on the toilet00:27:22
and understands his shower00:27:27
with,00:27:28
but still all records were broken in00:27:32
Ukraine sits, stays in the front row like this,00:27:38
oh, hold on, hold on now it00:27:41
will be Dnepropetrovsk Small Airport00:27:44
Only ours Well, the Ukrainians, our Slavs00:27:47
could allow an airport worker00:27:49
during a crisis And she has a cow to00:27:51
feed her, mow the grass on the00:27:56
airfield with a scythe You can,00:27:58
man, it was raining He put it on a black raincoat00:28:01
with a00:28:05
capsho and a scythe walked00:28:11
along the plane that had taken off, the00:28:15
people were already staggering towards the00:28:18
porthole,00:28:21
and he was walking towards the00:28:27
floor with his hand, I remember the essay How I spent00:28:30
the summer in relation to this evening,00:28:32
our evening went by with chiki-pooks, how are00:28:41
you all00:29:01
[music ]00:29:09
I greet you00:29:13
Panther00:29:15
I am the great leader red-horned00:29:19
I am a torn mouth I am off and blinking I am a00:29:24
white mouse I am a black moth I am apples in the00:29:32
snow I am plucking them Oh or I don’t hear you00:29:41
Fairy I don’t hear00:29:45
Fairy I didn’t understand00:29:49
Fairy Sorry I’m just bad I hear but I00:29:54
hear Tod of hooves this is to us chi mad00:29:59
mustang First guest00:30:12
meet I welcome00:30:16
you hard-boiled00:30:20
egg Hello Great Leader00:30:24
Hello mind the honor and conscience of our00:30:27
prairies00:30:28
I stop admiring your luxurious00:30:31
feathers What is that is, a00:30:34
real Indian should have00:30:38
as many words as he has learned00:30:41
[music]00:30:45
love But they call me the storm of dandruff00:30:50
Okay, okay, continue, oh beloved sitter00:30:56
Forget Smer00:31:09
Kalas I haven’t heard such a long00:31:14
story for a long time, it hurts me to say that evening00:31:18
I rode up to the wigwam earlier than usual and00:31:20
found my wife in the arms of not00:31:24
meeting, what did you do to him00:31:26
horned egg00:31:30
I him I him00:31:33
and I think I guessed it so Where is it from00:31:37
Feather on your00:31:40
Skype But I think I also hear00:31:44
another guest approaching us on the hooves00:31:48
this is no longer an Indian but a turkey the wife of a hard-boiled egg fried00:31:56
eggs00:32:00
calmly00:32:02
[music]00:32:09
calmly Greetings, oh beautiful00:32:14
fried eggs heya00:32:16
heya but we would like to hear your00:32:19
story about a beautiful woman from the tribe00:32:23
I give I give I give I00:32:30
give and I finish00:32:34
eating Well, go on it was getting dark00:32:47
somewhere I already heard this story, fool00:32:56
SRT, I pulled the00:32:59
Arrows, rubbed my six hundredth00:33:02
Horse and, as usual,00:33:08
caught up when I I entered the barrel was already00:33:11
empty Of course Because I was always00:33:14
testing for sugar00:33:17
Calm down son00:33:20
of sobriety continue until the00:33:26
end of the horse neighing I guessed00:33:31
this cool egg is a lie again I entered without a00:33:36
single sound I could have confused you and the00:33:40
horse neighing the same way But now let’s00:33:44
check00:33:47
the check Well wooden rooster came to00:33:51
the city and passing by a kiosk he saw00:33:55
that grilled chickens were being fried in it, he was stunned,00:33:58
he said in our village there is00:34:01
no one to trample and these ride on carousels00:34:10
about00:34:16
and I told the eye I couldn’t buy it, I00:34:20
repeat I entered without a single sound Although00:34:23
no, there was only one sound but I didn’t do it00:34:26
on purpose,00:34:28
the floorboard00:34:31
creaked, continue to the eye, not a cool egg,00:34:35
vein, late at night, I went to the kvam, it was00:34:38
dark and we, without including, betrayed love00:34:41
joys, and then and then that my00:34:47
life is empty,00:34:51
Kartamira00:34:54
buno00:34:55
govo burst in, didn’t00:34:58
turn on the light and I saw his face. It00:35:02
was also a hard boiled00:35:05
egg.00:35:08
Stunned scrambled eggs You emptied how much of the tank to00:35:11
horseradish, what did you00:35:14
put in there with the Czech I don’t know Well, the hard-boiled egg00:35:18
attacked the hard-boiled egg, well, the hard-boiled00:35:21
egg allowed the hard-boiled egg to escape without the hard-boiled egg00:35:23
because the hard-boiled egg came off from the00:35:24
hard-boiled00:35:26
egg00:35:30
Who were you00:35:32
talking to just now, but he disappeared I just00:35:36
I managed to snatch the feather from him, so they00:35:47
said it themselves, it was getting dark,00:35:52
someone might confuse their eyes,00:35:54
on this touching wave00:35:58
we are finishing our program, dear00:36:01
friends, wait a minute, wait a minute, are you feathered Am00:36:08
I a scrambled egg, I’m cool And cool, but00:36:14
it’s00:36:15
him You’re a00:36:18
painted [ __ ] why is it dyed is it our00:36:20
natural hair color dear friends00:36:24
stay with us don’t turn off00:36:25
the TV we will answer all your questions00:36:28
stay with00:36:42
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