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Mikhail Zadornov - Tyrly and gloupens | Humorous concert

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михаил задорнов

юмор

концерт

санкции

апельсины цвета беж

задор тв

импортозамещение

концерт задорнова

коррупция

задорновости

михаил задорнов 2016

михаил задорнов новое

задорнов

задорнов лучшее

юрий хвостов

наталия москвина

м. задорнов

задорнов 2016

задорнов новое

концерт михаила задорнова

задорнов самое смешное

задорнов концерт

задорнов видео

00:00:01

[applause]

00:00:02

[music]

00:00:03

[applause] [music]

00:00:17

Good evening, let's start our

00:00:28

concert.

00:00:31

I was in the city of Izhevsk,

00:00:33

I stayed in the cool hotel Park

00:00:36

In. But that's not the point, I realized that my

00:00:40

theory about Russians who have no shivers of

00:00:44

fear in their genes worked correctly. in

00:00:48

the hotel the alarm system is not even strong enough to

00:00:52

alarm so loud I

00:00:55

really want to hide in a bomb closer. I

00:00:58

leave the room just after the

00:01:00

terrorist attacks happened around the world and to be

00:01:04

honest I was so wary and I understand

00:01:08

that I can’t get on the elevator because

00:01:10

Well, suddenly it’s a

00:01:12

fire, I’m looking for the stairs, I’m going to look for the stairs, a

00:01:15

completely calm man comes towards me,

00:01:18

I tell him, Well, we need to look for the stairs.

00:01:20

He says, Why do I say, I

00:01:24

need to go out, alarm, He says,

00:01:28

okay, then I think strong

00:01:32

nerves, a woman leaned out of the

00:01:36

room in a dressing gown, asks what I’m

00:01:39

saying, I need to go out, She says I don’t

00:01:41

want to.

00:01:43

get dressed I say and what she says

00:01:46

will carry

00:01:48

This is Russian Maybe, and then on the

00:01:54

mow Take a bite and when I left I don’t know

00:01:58

what will happen to you I left the

00:02:01

hotel alone and felt like a real

00:02:04

loser after they announced that it

00:02:06

was a short circuit by chance

00:02:09

happened, I already said that my blogs are

00:02:12

open in all portals and that

00:02:14

most of all I count on my concert for the

00:02:16

youth. But here’s what else I noticed,

00:02:20

what peculiarity will you write about the

00:02:22

history of pages 10 or let’s say about the

00:02:25

Russian language of pages to read

00:02:28

such a post well

00:02:30

mi only I placed it After 7 seconds the

00:02:34

first comment you are an idiot

00:02:36

VS the second comment is not from me from someone

00:02:39

you are an

00:02:40

idiot the third comment don’t touch Uncle

00:02:44

Misha he’s right the Americans are stupid fourth

00:02:47

comment You yourself are stupid and they don’t need me

00:02:50

After that I’m not at all I tried to write

00:02:54

where I’m going to think of

00:02:58

moral literature in the world of

00:03:01

Russian classical literature, and can you

00:03:04

imagine at that time there would have been

00:03:05

internet comments on a forum in the 19th century,

00:03:09

for example, Gogol writes On his

00:03:12

blog today I sent the second

00:03:14

volume of Dead Souls to the oven the first comment the author you

00:03:18

’re burning

00:03:21

the second comment I’m not laughing I can Ukrainians are already

00:03:26

heating stoves

00:03:28

with books third comment Gogol is not a Ukrainian

00:03:32

idiots Long live

00:03:34

Little Russia comment from a user with Nick

00:03:37

Dostoevsky Who did you call an idiot

00:03:40

idiot fifth comment you're a snig

00:03:42

Dostoevsky sit in Poland Dostoevsky and

00:03:45

this is written by a man with Pushkin's avatar

00:03:47

home to

00:03:49

Africa Pushkin you sir are right without morality

00:03:53

is not scary to meet in

00:03:55

real life Well, experts are just sitting

00:04:03

on such Internet words are sitting

00:04:05

a comment from an anonymous person professional

00:04:09

shooting courses our website dm.ru a

00:04:14

user appears with Nick Tolstoy Yes, a

00:04:18

muddy clearing And I sketched out the fourth

00:04:22

Volume of War and Peace overnight, read

00:04:24

the message at this link moderator

00:04:27

user Tolstoy goes to GU

00:04:32

SM comment from anonymous everyone don't ban everyone down with

00:04:35

autocracy we are liberals sovereign

00:04:38

emperor Murlo tomorrow at 6 rally at the

00:04:41

Senate user with Nick Oscar Wild and there

00:04:45

will be a gay parade user with Nick bencendorff

00:04:48

slow down I'm writing anonymous out of fear

00:04:52

I'm ready to pee at the beginning

00:04:58

vys

00:05:01

bendorf and I don’t need it, I recognized your

00:05:04

epigrams Style Mikhail

00:05:07

Yuryevich by the way Go to the site marinov

00:05:10

Ru Lermontov has already visited Thanks for

00:05:16

the link the user appears with Nick leopard

00:05:20

Petrovich exclusive materials the woman was

00:05:22

smeared by the train click

00:05:25

here the moderator is even an idiot

00:05:28

by Lev

00:05:32

Nikolai Well, an intelligent room I

00:05:35

told you so

00:05:36

you stop spamming Gogol Friends,

00:05:40

actually you are on my

00:05:42

page user comments with Nick

00:05:46

Soleri avtar bittern

00:05:56

poison now

00:05:58

everyone here turns out to be young because the

00:06:01

topics are completely understandable to everyone Well, about

00:06:03

gadgets, I already talked about gadgets, I

00:06:05

said that this means that it is a synonym for the

00:06:07

Russian word It’s crap that I said but

00:06:09

in general the word in Russian sounds good

00:06:14

gadgets that’s the

00:06:17

subject of my Khvostov on this topic

00:06:21

some people use gadgets think

00:06:23

they’re cool And I’m coming up with a new

00:06:25

gadget

00:06:27

about for example a

00:06:30

selfie stick that’s very, very long

00:06:32

to take selfies from

00:06:35

space with a hose on at the end of the photo lenses

00:06:39

you swallow and take a selfie With your inner

00:06:41

world

00:06:43

I’m generally afraid that they will do this

00:06:46

after it’s shown on television,

00:06:48

many people really don’t know that I’m joking,

00:06:50

I joked in the beginning in the late nineties

00:06:53

That Yudashkin needs to sew a uniform for the

00:06:55

Russian army, I

00:06:58

was joking

00:07:03

Let them create new ones gadgets super

00:07:05

gadget smart boots no matter how much you

00:07:08

drink the boots themselves will lead you home

00:07:10

along a given

00:07:11

route electronic cigarettes with

00:07:14

Internet access You can light a cigarette with

00:07:16

virtual friends via video call and also

00:07:19

post your cigarette butts on the website cemetery

00:07:22

urk.ru

00:07:23

gadget for single men robot

00:07:28

drinking buddy here Check out the gadget for

00:07:31

people who wake up with a hangover, the mirror

00:07:34

with built-in

00:07:36

Photoshop,

00:07:38

check out the smart wallet, when it

00:07:42

runs out of money, a musical

00:07:44

ringtone sounds. Believe me, I’m also very

00:07:47

sorry that it’s all over. So soon,

00:07:52

for me, this is the most useful gadget

00:07:54

in the world. There would be adhesive tape with an auto hook.

00:08:02

Well, how about it? I'm tired of looking for saliva,

00:08:06

because it's scarier to just try to open the

00:08:10

candy cow

00:08:12

It

00:08:15

sticks anyway, you eat it with paper, in the

00:08:19

end, a gadget for parents, a belt that

00:08:23

checks the

00:08:26

child's diary, a smart hammer that, when it hits

00:08:30

your finger, swears

00:08:33

Damn, Smart tie Women

00:08:36

will especially like this gadget A smart

00:08:37

tie for married men, when trying to

00:08:40

kiss a woman who is not registered in the

00:08:42

passport, it tightens itself; an

00:08:50

intelligent keychain

00:08:52

that, at the Minute of obscene screams where

00:08:55

they are bastards, beeps

00:09:00

until We are in your

00:09:05

pocket, smart

00:09:08

underpants that, every time you go on the devan,

00:09:10

ask for your login and

00:09:12

password and check your fingerprint bodies with

00:09:18

cowardly stored in memory a gadget for people who want to lose weight a

00:09:21

night video recorder in

00:09:28

the kitchen

00:09:30

which after 7 pm when you approach

00:09:33

it hisses a

00:09:37

cow and when you try to open the door it

00:09:41

eats all the

00:09:42

food and finally frying pans with an electronic

00:09:46

anti-beam coating when your food

00:09:48

starts to burn automatically

00:09:49

turns off

00:09:56

[music]

00:09:58

internet The person who is about to go on

00:10:01

stage is actually him Despite the fact that he is a

00:10:05

very handsome satirist, I spoke a lot on

00:10:08

political topics on the topic of sanctions I want

00:10:11

him to continue these topics with his youthful

00:10:15

look, well, relatively youthful

00:10:18

Yuri

00:10:21

[applause]

00:10:28

Miya tails Nikolaevich because here you

00:10:31

can say practically everything. But

00:10:33

before I say everything, I’ll say a few words about

00:10:36

Mikhail Nikolaevich himself.

00:10:39

Or rather, I didn’t invite you for this

00:10:42

at all, so that you could say here, in

00:10:44

my opinion, they know something themselves

00:10:46

already without me. Judging by I said to laughter I

00:10:49

’ll tell you everything with

00:10:51

enthusiasm with Hold on Well, okay then I

00:10:55

’ll tell you one case related to Mikhail

00:10:57

Nikolaevich, as you know,

00:10:59

Mikhail Nikolaevich’s concert is broadcast on NTV

00:11:01

and is broadcast often because it has a

00:11:03

high rating and the rest of the programs

00:11:05

change periodically and in search of a

00:11:08

high rating, various

00:11:11

programs of completely different

00:11:12

directions are put on and at one time on NTV

00:11:15

they launched films for

00:11:18

adults in the evenings Every Friday and Saturday after

00:11:22

10:00 pm, don’t ask me how

00:11:24

I

00:11:25

know this There was practically porn and the

00:11:30

second feature of television is that

00:11:32

they interrupt their own programs Yes, their

00:11:36

programs advertise their next

00:11:39

programs that is, such an announcement happens

00:11:41

in the middle of this program, straight out of the blue,

00:11:43

footage appears from another one, and in

00:11:47

one case, it means I was watching one day

00:11:53

by chance,

00:11:57

accidentally switched the show

00:12:01

of the know, and can you imagine when the main

00:12:04

characters slept in the next Kama Sutri with

00:12:07

such a complicated

00:12:10

plan and right at the

00:12:13

climax moment Zadornov suddenly appears on the screen

00:12:15

and says, Well, you

00:12:21

stupid people, there was a complete feeling that he was

00:12:25

next to the GTO

00:12:27

until the camera was pointed at him,

00:12:30

and the next logical step was this:

00:12:32

Well, you stupid people, watch it

00:12:36

right, this was the only time I

00:12:40

wanted Mikhail

00:12:41

Nikolaevich’s speech to be faster ended, but I

00:12:45

will continue the topic. So, Mikhail

00:12:46

Nikolaevich, this is the topic of sanctions, I will remind you

00:12:49

what its essence is, many goods and services

00:12:52

have stopped coming to us from the West. And

00:12:54

in Russia, we have urgently announced an

00:12:57

import substitution program for these goods and

00:12:59

products that have ceased to be supplied to us, I

00:13:00

am looking for Russian

00:13:03

substitutes for our production and

00:13:05

are launched on sale. I think it’s high time to

00:13:07

do this because we have

00:13:09

such goods, such products that do

00:13:12

n’t even have analogues in the world.

00:13:15

And in order to help our authorities, I want to

00:13:17

offer such products in this program.

00:13:19

So,

00:13:21

I’ll start import substitution with meat

00:13:24

products meat product substitute for

00:13:26

jamon and oysters for a long time we

00:13:30

cried that they say there is nothing to eat now, but we now have our

00:13:32

own unique

00:13:34

meat product, here it is

00:13:38

This is for sure This is definitely our grandmother

00:13:41

because a foreign one would be more expensive,

00:13:44

but I wanted to start with this meat

00:13:47

product,

00:13:50

what a man shouts

00:13:54

kosher cannot tsevan pork for Jews to eat

00:13:57

not nano tried He already knows Yes,

00:14:00

the only danger is that the rest of the

00:14:02

myrrh of kissing we get then

00:14:04

yes kitchen utensils kitchen

00:14:06

utensils We also have our own

00:14:08

wonderful kitchen

00:14:12

utensils, this is ours, notice it’s damp, we

00:14:15

chop kilograms from the heart everything about

00:14:18

Everything We have wonderful products, toys

00:14:20

too. We should have, I think not Kens

00:14:23

and Barbies, these tolerant, cute toys

00:14:25

should prepare children for real life. This is

00:14:27

how

00:14:31

toys should be, nice, after this, the child

00:14:34

will no longer be afraid of anything in life, and

00:14:36

candy should also teach children about reality

00:14:39

life

00:14:43

once upon a time Once upon a time there was a Little Red

00:14:47

Riding Hood Let Let the child know that not

00:14:49

everything ends in a happy ending, we have

00:14:52

excellent products, we have meat products,

00:15:00

you haven’t seen the next one yet Wait,

00:15:02

this is a super product, such a product

00:15:08

Joker riddle

00:15:11

Yes, but I understand that many the answer is not

00:15:15

arbitrary, but it’s still

00:15:17

interesting, it’s true, there’s still intrigue,

00:15:19

I want to buy it, I want to find out whether it’s true or not, I guessed it, I didn’t

00:15:21

guess it. Is it possible to

00:15:25

supply this aircraft to the West?

00:15:27

Start oil in the same

00:15:30

circuits. I’m only for it, but I think that we can

00:15:33

supply more cheeses to the West. ours We have

00:15:36

such wonderful unique cheeses with a

00:15:38

unique

00:15:40

[laughter]

00:15:43

composition, this is where you can buy this in

00:15:46

Milan, in Paris, we easily have 50% cats

00:15:49

and the main thing is that

00:15:51

they write honestly, we finally have

00:15:54

products made entirely from natural

00:15:56

ingredients, no chemicals, look

00:15:59

here marmalade hearts composition about pork

00:16:02

spices onion

00:16:03

marinade BC naturally there is nothing

00:16:07

chemical and candy too We have our own

00:16:13

Cheburashka,

00:16:16

they dropped it in Vladivostok like this

00:16:19

Cockerels apparently

00:16:22

[laughter]

00:16:27

giving the

00:16:30

West away with simplicity Oksana is a pity But our own is not

00:16:36

imported Yes, I’m honestly proud of

00:16:39

our production because We

00:16:40

have products that don’t even

00:16:42

obey the laws of physics and geometry,

00:16:45

here’s a

00:16:48

round cube Yes, Lobachevsky

00:16:51

couldn’t even imagine that in real life this exists,

00:16:54

its nonlinear geometry Yes, we have a product

00:16:57

that has the effect of artificial

00:17:00

intelligence and the effect of telepathy,

00:17:05

can you imagine Ahead of

00:17:09

desires You just thought she a

00:17:13

super product is already unwinding, we have everything, we have everything

00:17:17

in our homeland, everything

00:17:20

is produced, why do we need someone else’s, here is a woman

00:17:23

applauding, thinking where to buy

00:17:25

something like this for ourselves. We probably

00:17:29

have goods for everyone for every

00:17:35

taste, this is the one that does the assessment,

00:17:39

but they didn’t specify either

00:17:41

smear it with this gel or give it something to drink. You

00:17:43

need to try everything guys and for men

00:17:46

we also have

00:17:49

cool

00:17:51

fresh products. Well, obviously,

00:17:54

such a special product is not more expensive for them than fresh. Oh yes, it turns

00:17:57

out that in Russia it turns out it’s

00:18:02

Comrade Nightmare. No no no no no it was an itch

00:18:06

by accident it’s not like you

00:18:09

went through Sorry this word beef didn’t

00:18:12

fit just but it did

00:18:15

n’t fit so excitingly Yes, it’s a riddle this is the

00:18:18

answer for sure that’s the first is the second Yes

00:18:21

but this is what you’ll see now

00:18:24

this is just our know-how this

00:18:27

Russian

00:18:30

[applause]

00:18:32

presented a cap

00:18:34

Yes, chest volume 40 RO 62 cap here to

00:18:39

the heels so that the knees are not MRZ this is wearing a

00:18:43

cap all winter nothing is needed already a

00:18:45

larger bridge just make some more felt boots up to the navel

00:18:50

and

00:18:53

we’ll see when the

00:18:57

mountains are already there,

00:19:04

listen, explain I don’t understand I also

00:19:07

don’t understand what this is for. People are laughing,

00:19:11

they apparently

00:19:13

know. It confuses me that the price is so

00:19:15

high. It’s a

00:19:17

gadget. Well, I haven’t

00:19:20

seen it, maybe you can imagine

00:19:23

what it is. I have no idea, but

00:19:25

imagine this, what is this,

00:19:27

who can tell me what it’s like?

00:19:29

it looks like the family is in the gut, it’s not only

00:19:32

Oksana, it’s Oksana’s relatives too, apparently

00:19:34

Oksana is all there with her Oh well, we have

00:19:38

all the environmentally friendly products

00:19:41

and the grandfather was

00:19:44

tortured by the family like this T Oksana’s grandfather they

00:19:49

all

00:19:50

got caught I can’t think of anything it’s all in

00:19:53

our stores you can see for yourself And it’s

00:19:56

great that we have our own cosmetics

00:19:58

without Komov and without collagen. Here it is, it’s

00:20:02

classy for the face, it’s a special anti-wrinkle product,

00:20:06

you see, it’s classy. Well,

00:20:09

we also have something like

00:20:13

this, but don’t think anything

00:20:16

bad either, it’s just clean, reliable,

00:20:20

but the peculiarity is Ivanovo textiles

00:20:23

Ivanova that the city of brides What they dream about

00:20:25

and write

00:20:27

about, the Baltics stopped

00:20:29

bringing us milk, we started producing our own,

00:20:34

they say it tastes better and somehow

00:20:37

you want to drink it more

00:20:39

Norway stopped bringing trout to us,

00:20:41

we started growing our own

00:20:45

[music]

00:20:47

That’s how Russian it is

00:20:49

trout Africa stopped bringing bananas to us;

00:20:53

we started growing various fruits

00:20:55

in our

00:20:57

homeland.

00:21:00

Well, a little immature, it’s true, but that’s

00:21:03

still ahead. Well, we have goods for everyone;

00:21:06

we don’t need to buy anything on the

00:21:08

side; we don’t need to buy anything from the European Union;

00:21:12

well, friend he’s always there of course Well,

00:21:16

in Moscow it’s just motorists, they’re

00:21:18

there practically all the time, but to finish

00:21:21

the selection I want our new

00:21:23

domestic VIP class cars

00:21:26

to replace the Mercedes May Bakhov and Betley, here

00:21:29

it is a

00:21:32

prototype So ladies and gentlemen, buy

00:21:35

better, buy

00:21:44

domestic Yuri

00:21:47

Khvostov

00:21:49

Thank you now I can

00:21:52

bow beautifully beautifully Yuri

00:21:55

Khvostov so I can Thank you

00:21:59

I want to publish an encyclopedia of All-Russian

00:22:03

stupidity of course, since Soviet

00:22:06

times I noticed something about something I

00:22:09

told a lot of funny things but

00:22:11

for example there was the first of the advertisements

00:22:14

that I noticed and

00:22:17

decided to somehow voice with scenes it was

00:22:20

in the newspaper ad for sale wings for an

00:22:23

old

00:22:26

Muscovite

00:22:28

normally the wings flew away I made fun of various posters a lot in

00:22:31

Soviet times

00:22:33

because indeed, for

00:22:35

example, on the ring road there was a

00:22:38

poster our path to communism on the Ring Road

00:22:42

and Yes, not everyone caught this thing or

00:22:45

when it was very popular poster party

00:22:48

mind conscience honor of our era there was a

00:22:50

dash party dash mind conscience honor of our

00:22:53

era I said you are reading incorrectly you

00:22:54

should read the party minus mind honor

00:22:57

our conscience

00:22:58

it was bullied back in those years Well, an ass and a

00:23:02

satirist are, in principle, the same thing

00:23:05

and well As time passed, I made a lot of similar

00:23:08

observations. Already in our

00:23:10

time in Russia, a lot has accumulated and

00:23:13

you know, I didn’t do all this in vain because they

00:23:15

send me letters by e-mail, people

00:23:18

joined these observations, many see the

00:23:21

stupid things that surround us,

00:23:23

they take pictures,

00:23:25

they send me tails, here I am I saw

00:23:29

about a mobile phone, the phone is broken, the

00:23:31

dash Call the number

00:23:33

as many people don’t pay attention to this, of course.

00:23:35

And at the British Embassy,

00:23:39

when you fill out an application form for a visa, there is an

00:23:41

item about your gender on the date of filling out

00:23:44

this

00:23:46

document. But this is ours on the fence

00:23:50

in front of the parking lot, the gate announcement

00:23:52

is automatic point opened by

00:23:56

a watchman in the Ryazan circus recently the circus

00:23:59

burned down commentator radio announcer in

00:24:02

Ryazan during the fire there

00:24:05

were no people animals in the circus only

00:24:06

builders Well

00:24:08

of course in one of the cities I often

00:24:11

go to different cafes I write out these

00:24:13

menus all oh they are so serious there

00:24:17

mascarpone

00:24:19

Carbonara caprese and these are the ones

00:24:22

that the asset

00:24:24

makes, the waitresses say they say Fresh

00:24:28

they don’t know that Fresh is not fresh but

00:24:31

not freshly squeezed in English

00:24:33

freshly squeezed szd but they don’t know

00:24:35

English And since they still have a

00:24:37

sense of humor and haven’t spent the night with many of them

00:24:40

They say Carbonara Fragonard will be there,

00:24:42

I say You have the monya feature

00:24:47

No, I say, but

00:24:52

there is no Bluetooth with Wi-Fi, but there is SRB in the afternoon, they

00:24:56

freeze, they don’t understand the

00:24:59

knowledge of the Armed Forces, perhaps in our wound there is no fish soup in the

00:25:03

Volga cities fish soup No, you

00:25:05

represent only solid sebas and

00:25:08

Dorada on the Volga is a Mediterranean fish and

00:25:11

Medvedev tells us this nonsense

00:25:13

that we will have our own

00:25:16

products, but he can and

00:25:19

will have it if he himself goes to

00:25:23

your post Hurray

00:25:26

for

00:25:28

something tasty 300

00:25:31

rubles next line and something very

00:25:33

tasty 450 here since it’s

00:25:37

impossible to distinguish at all these price tags, these are the ones that

00:25:39

tails showed I have my own

00:25:41

collection of price tags in the store fish with a

00:25:43

deep

00:25:58

spelling they write separated by commas on

00:26:00

many

00:26:02

candy wrappers sugar comma sand inside the

00:26:07

candies name of the wedding salon Lady

00:26:10

Hamilton Hamilton was never

00:26:12

married, that is, a complete

00:26:18

misrelationship

00:26:21

in St. Petersburg Coma

00:26:25

Well, a temptation Thai

00:26:28

Name of a cafe in St. Petersburg between the

00:26:31

legs who comes up with this

00:26:35

beauty salon

00:26:38

Malevich dental clinic The

00:26:41

cheerful doctor howled out the mouth does not

00:26:44

close new teeth

00:26:47

inserted the price tag of a bun into the eye I understand

00:26:50

that in the glaze soato is

00:26:56

only necessary without quotation marks Sun SMS

00:26:59

well-mannered manager they wrote a shooting gallery a bullet

00:27:01

is waiting for

00:27:06

you piglet soap is called on

00:27:08

the package verse I'm a funny pig

00:27:11

oink-oink-oink oink already from the cradle nuh-nuh

00:27:15

nuh buy our soap will be cleaner your

00:27:19

snout that's right the whole room knows the soap with this

00:27:23

in Ryazan hair salon Baba

00:27:26

Yaga

00:27:28

taxi company mad Turtles in general, the

00:27:31

people have a crazy fantasy, all

00:27:34

this is just not for the benefit of

00:27:36

the motherland Who came up with the idea of calling sausages vigorous

00:27:42

dig up the price tag at our market in Moscow

00:27:45

nectarine in brackets bty

00:27:49

peach Well, for

00:27:51

fools, the name of the kiosk in Novosibirsk in

00:27:54

one word large In your mouth compote No

00:27:58

quotes, no capitals letters are written

00:28:01

on in one of our Moscow stores

00:28:03

on the price tag Putin's herring game an

00:28:07

old lady watched and says he still

00:28:10

spawns

00:28:13

this advertisement in a children's

00:28:15

amusement park, an autodrome only in Russia, a

00:28:17

two-seater car in parentheses, not for

00:28:22

three, an advertisement in the clinic on the door of the

00:28:24

laboratory after vaccination, buy

00:28:29

otherwise no one will not get this

00:28:32

vaccination advertisement in the newspaper I beat the children

00:28:35

after parent-teacher meetings

00:28:38

inexpensive brilliant

00:28:40

country advertising for an insurance company

00:28:43

enjoy life We

00:28:46

will take care of the troubles

00:28:48

photo studio in Rostov advertisement

00:28:52

the quality of the photos depends on the face of

00:28:56

the customer many come and say you want

00:28:58

me here my photos were taken by your face

00:29:00

that you are the best you are responsible for

00:29:04

this bathhouse exit to the pool when leaving the

00:29:08

sauna at the entrance to the pool it is written

00:29:10

Dear I like

00:29:12

Gentlemen on furniture pillows do not swim

00:29:16

in the

00:29:17

sun Gentlemen, only on such pillows do they

00:29:20

float advice to girls tear-off

00:29:22

calendar 2005 self-defense section

00:29:26

If you go in the dark day and

00:29:28

you are attacked In general,

00:29:32

it’s true Take out of your pocket a medicinal

00:29:35

bulb

00:29:36

filled with

00:29:38

alcohol, and it’s also written unnoticeably

00:29:41

Take it out normally and everyone has an invisible

00:29:44

medicinal bulb with

00:29:49

ammonia announcement nowhere to go in the evening I

00:29:53

want to add zest to communication with

00:29:55

friends Buy yourself a garage

00:29:59

Vakha signed hers on Facebook

00:30:01

photograph I have cockroaches in my head

00:30:03

butterflies in my stomach first comment Yes, you are a

00:30:05

hotel for

00:30:08

insects Rostov I need it again this

00:30:11

managerial

00:30:14

underestimated sign This is a

00:30:16

vertical strip of paper should have been

00:30:18

written horizontally in one word not

00:30:21

vertically in three by three lines

00:30:23

divided ready ma first line

00:30:26

master second

00:30:32

Yura, a young policeman,

00:30:36

wrote on the door of the apartment. No one opened the door.

00:30:38

There was a dog behind the door, which

00:30:45

could not explain anything to me. In Novosibirsk on the radio, 12,000

00:30:49

children are queuing to receive a

00:30:51

ticket to kindergarten; the mayor has decided to

00:30:53

eliminate this queue in the near future;

00:30:58

indeed, children, what is there to blow up in

00:31:01

Novokuznetsk? they brought live rams to the market

00:31:03

and posted an ad who needs

00:31:05

rams contact the

00:31:07

administration in Chelyabinsk advertising

00:31:10

cement You have enemies tera We have

00:31:15

cement in Moscow I read when buying from

00:31:18

two

00:31:22

apartments a bottle of champagne

00:31:26

was given to

00:31:30

traders in Khabarovsk article in the newspaper

00:31:33

relatives found a lost

00:31:35

mushroom picker and got lost

00:31:39

Arriving with him at the Yaroslavl station, Amon

00:31:48

unhooked and

00:31:50

jumped out. Oh, sorry, you can’t come here

00:31:53

now, these are places for the disabled, now

00:31:55

here, the

00:32:00

Domodedovo deputies just turned on the lights,

00:32:02

customs started working after 3 days of waiting

00:32:05

in the dark and in the cold, customs cheerfully

00:32:07

asks the tired passenger, do you

00:32:09

have a weapon, he says he would have

00:32:14

I used it in Kazan a long time ago I was also recently there there

00:32:17

is a private bakery and one of the types of

00:32:19

bread was called Ukraine

00:32:21

Why And the man speaks from the queue speaks

00:32:25

without any second thought Give me

00:32:26

please

00:32:28

Steal a voice from the audience And the Muscovites of Crimea

00:32:34

are not enough for you The girl said in the area of the station

00:32:37

she was looking for a Taxi Driver An Azerbaijani

00:32:39

offered to go for 500 rubles. I thought a

00:32:42

taxi driver came up. A Tajik offered for 300.

00:32:45

I agreed. I went to his car.

00:32:46

The Azerbaijani dissatisfiedly shouted after the

00:32:48

Tajik. They came in large numbers

00:32:52

here, touchingly. I almost cried. A

00:32:55

letter

00:32:56

from a mother-in-law on the Volga on the ship

00:33:01

Chapaev. The continuation is not the Titanic,

00:33:05

of course. But hope

00:33:09

glimmers. And many women I need to

00:33:13

give a like to women now, they are ironic

00:33:15

about what is happening in their

00:33:17

lives, men are writing fewer letters to me like this

00:33:19

from observation. For example, she

00:33:22

likes for sure, even three likes, uh, I was on my way

00:33:26

in the subway last night, a middle-aged woman is sitting on me,

00:33:29

pleasantly plump, with her a

00:33:31

boy of five or six years old, the boy

00:33:33

looked at me intently all the way, they got off

00:33:36

at one station, I'm in front of me, they are behind me, a

00:33:37

goth boy, mom, look how beautiful my

00:33:39

aunt is, I want to marry her, Mom writes in

00:33:43

parentheses, apparently thinking that I am Deaf and dumb,

00:33:47

son, when you grow up, this

00:33:50

will be your aunt fat old

00:33:52

ugly boy naive like you yes

00:33:55

mom

00:33:59

This is my mail I don’t need

00:34:01

humorous literature on the night of Saturday

00:34:04

to Sunday they sang The neighbors from above sang

00:34:06

karaoke sang all the neighbors naturally

00:34:09

listened during the performance of the intro to the

00:34:11

next hit a drunk male voice

00:34:13

said the microphone this song is dedicated to

00:34:15

all of our to the neighbors who for some reason are still

00:34:19

awake letter summer heat intersection with a

00:34:23

traffic light selective swearing a

00:34:25

rude male voice is heard

00:34:28

T naked little Lego torment of sweaty

00:34:32

old Zhiguli where school urot zenki

00:34:35

climbed out brute [ __ ] filthy filthy hand over I

00:34:38

say slaughter I'll get out raga bummer on

00:34:40

board the Gazelle written in huge letters

00:34:42

Foundation of Love of Goodness and

00:34:45

Mercy, this is the story I really liked. At

00:34:47

first I didn’t even understand

00:34:51

Mich

00:34:55

from and he began to mark the good box with the

00:34:59

letters

00:35:00

x and the bad letters p brilliant question

00:35:04

Michal Nikolaevich What boxes do you think

00:35:09

[applause]

00:35:11

were thrown away in the Southern Urals This is

00:35:13

coming now the whole series is only here in the Southern Urals,

00:35:16

the men were drinking and the owner suddenly remembered that his

00:35:19

friends had given him a spinning rod and sleep underneath, let’s take

00:35:25

a look, let’s go under the date, they forgot that the

00:35:28

river was 15 meters wide,

00:35:31

and they pulled, pulled,

00:35:36

pulled, pulled out and ran into the loose

00:35:39

monster, shaggy, moo, the St. Bernard’s holes

00:35:44

were hooked on another

00:35:46

shore people are

00:35:49

crazy real excerpt from the

00:35:51

results of a child's examination by a pediatrician

00:35:53

the words mom and dad pronounce clearly when

00:35:55

falling confidently

00:36:00

a man got into the car garage lost

00:36:04

the lock could not find his garage wrapped with

00:36:07

wire at night a thief opened

00:36:10

several garages three to the right three to the left

00:36:12

of him and his garage is with wire instead of the lock they

00:36:15

didn’t touch But on the doors there was an

00:36:17

inscription in a spray can super locks can’t be

00:36:25

picked Where is your male romance

00:36:28

yesterday I told my husband tonight on

00:36:30

TV the guy will be shown Italy

00:36:32

France the finale perked up or

00:36:38

something Mikhail Nikolaevich You are right about what

00:36:41

you say about today’s medicine I

00:36:42

went to the doctor and he looks at me Khan

00:36:44

says my medical history card

00:36:47

Well,

00:36:50

I’m a complete ass, I’m terrified and he turns his

00:36:52

face over and says

00:36:54

damn, he’s not that old yet. I

00:36:57

was scared, I’m asking so bad, he

00:36:59

says, damn, I forgot my glasses at home. I do

00:37:01

n’t see

00:37:07

anything at all, the woman writes. I decided to take my

00:37:10

license and signed up for a driving school. My

00:37:14

husband and I came to the bookstore to buy, I took the books, I

00:37:15

stood in line, And I took the

00:37:18

traffic rules, the exam ticket,

00:37:21

and he ran somewhere and brought the third

00:37:24

book, right when I was already giving the books to the cashier,

00:37:26

and I gave her these three books, and she

00:37:28

looked at me. almost with

00:37:30

respect I read the title of these three

00:37:33

books, traffic rules,

00:37:34

exam tickets and Russian

00:37:35

expletives,

00:37:37

the cashier says you

00:37:44

are preparing thoroughly, I recently went to see friends on

00:37:47

Christina’s daughter, I

00:37:49

went crazy people came to church, a father

00:37:53

with a baby in his arms, I went up to

00:37:55

the priest and then asked the saint delicately

00:37:57

father And where can you

00:38:05

make a sacrifice here? We’re speeding up, speeding up, I

00:38:07

’ll then tell you something funny there,

00:38:09

little by little, the woman wrote. I have

00:38:12

a puppy, I taught him to [ __ ] on the diaper,

00:38:14

then I wrap the diaper in a polythene

00:38:17

bag and throw it in the trash can on the way to work. I was in a

00:38:20

hurry, I didn’t have time to

00:38:22

trash can get there put it in the back seat of the

00:38:25

car I

00:38:30

get up in a

00:38:33

traffic jam I look in the side mirror the thief

00:38:36

opens the back

00:38:38

door grabs the bag and happily

00:38:42

runs away I was delighted by her phrase I

00:38:46

was in a good

00:38:50

mood for a week the man wrote You can’t

00:38:53

imagine how you

00:38:55

say the word blondes while driving and

00:38:58

sitting she turned from the left, fourth

00:39:01

row to the right, I almost crashed her and my

00:39:04

car, I told her everything, she tells me,

00:39:07

you didn’t see, I showed with the wipers

00:39:09

that I

00:39:13

was turning, and this is a

00:39:16

multi-ticket office in Novosibirsk at the station that says from it,

00:39:20

Confirm that

00:39:21

the number is correct. She leans over and says,

00:39:24

Confirming the change. Of course, we have a story

00:39:27

with a BFG loan on a piece of the avenue. When the

00:39:29

ATM is naturally from the side of the street

00:39:32

and the bank is on the ground floor and passers-by run in horror, they

00:39:35

shout to the security, hurry up, hurry up there.

00:39:38

Horror What happened there, your ATM

00:39:40

is strangling your grandmother, it’s ge Yes, you can’t really imagine it at night. the fact is

00:39:47

that the grandmother was given a credit card by her daughter and so

00:39:50

as not to lose it on a metal

00:39:53

chain

00:39:55

and

00:39:58

he lived

00:40:02

a little calmly the letter met yesterday a

00:40:05

blonde classmate and her husband

00:40:07

have not seen each other for 100 years and she has a belly for months on her

00:40:09

joyfully so I ask who she

00:40:12

cast down her eyes nods at her husband

00:40:16

[applause]

00:40:20

He skips some at the end

00:40:23

Because if I

00:40:25

read this further, just let you go home, a

00:40:29

woman stopped me on the

00:40:32

street by my sleeve. I don’t like it when they

00:40:33

grab me by the sleeve on the street, they say, oh, this is the

00:40:35

first time we’ve seen you alive, and here I am.

00:40:39

forgave She says I was riding in a

00:40:41

trolleybus and in front of me there are children sitting in front of me,

00:40:44

obviously two children. What behind the seat behind

00:40:47

the back you can see only hats and

00:40:49

pom-poms And in front of them sits a drunken,

00:40:52

sneaky Russian man who

00:40:54

makes a provocative pose of himself provocatively You have

00:40:57

no education I’m from Khabarovsk, you know where

00:40:59

Khabarovsk is silent, you don’t know where

00:41:01

Khabarovsk is. What a fool. And who is Khabarov and

00:41:05

you don’t know history? You’re not

00:41:08

ignorant, the scoundrel is ignorant there, she says, I

00:41:11

’m going out, I’m looking, there are two Vietnamese

00:41:20

sitting there, they sent me instructions. Who needs this?

00:41:32

I knew that I

00:41:35

should do this, I tried it, I then took a shower, I

00:41:43

sweated, first of all, carefully pull back

00:41:46

the blanket so that it does not cause

00:41:48

injury to you. Whoever

00:41:51

is making this up will not become scarce. Russia is idiots.

00:41:55

Next,

00:41:57

turn your back and place the palms of both hands on the

00:42:00

bed near your hips, raise your

00:42:03

straight legs and

00:42:07

group yourself. I really sweated when I

00:42:10

tried to do this, then throw your

00:42:13

right leg out of bed, throw it out normally.

00:42:15

Then the left leg, I was ticklingly sleeping there, why should he

00:42:19

throw it out, and one woman wrote to me how

00:42:21

she did a test in a glamorous one, and in glamorous

00:42:24

magazines there are such things, these are for

00:42:26

our naked murks, oh navel piercing - that's

00:42:29

okay, one of them gave me a

00:42:31

navel piercing, went to the river to swim,

00:42:33

caught a pike, but they think what kind of

00:42:37

persian did he get for the tattoo And it's

00:42:39

cool and there's so much more There's a

00:42:43

wrap with the urine of a red-eared

00:42:47

macaque, there's this procedure in salons

00:42:49

beauty gold fish eat the hair on your

00:42:52

legs you put your feet in the aquarium they are with

00:42:55

champs here

00:42:56

ours are not allowed in these salons in France

00:42:59

they climb right in with their shoes on and honor

00:43:03

the shoes but there are such beauty salons

00:43:07

now who can outdo whom and I once

00:43:09

read a beauty salon advertisement Sorry, but

00:43:14

after what comed Club says, it’s

00:43:18

normal to sculpt the

00:43:22

pubis in their salon. I thought the forehead was spoken, I thought there was a

00:43:26

mistake, there is no

00:43:30

pubis, I think, well, if the stars are shining,

00:43:33

then someone

00:43:36

needs it, I started reading But I’m interested in it,

00:43:39

not in the sense that it’s for me

00:43:42

no need And there the first phrase is brilliant If

00:43:45

you are not satisfied with your

00:43:48

pubis I wonder if there are those who are not

00:43:52

satisfied with this glamorous fool standing

00:43:55

in front of the

00:43:59

lip is normal and the pubis is something not

00:44:02

very good Can you make it in the form of a seagull

00:44:06

How many fools are there in the world Oh

00:44:10

and there’s another salon even further away Oh, excuse me,

00:44:13

highlighting

00:44:16

the anus And who needs this so that I do

00:44:19

n’t appear in a decent company,

00:44:22

I’m here, a

00:44:28

Russian language teacher

00:44:30

wrote, I came to the market And there

00:44:33

today they sell average goods and not only do they

00:44:35

write price tags illiterately, they also

00:44:37

yell and scream seller pineapples

00:44:41

Bananas pineapples Bananas I she writes I don’t

00:44:44

like it when Russian words are distorted I still

00:44:46

went up to him, on principle

00:44:48

I say there is no such word Bananas Listen,

00:44:50

which one is she says bananas she

00:44:52

moves away he shouts pineapples bananas

00:44:57

[applause]

00:45:00

and I saw an advertisement for goods at the Central Market

00:45:02

at retail and yep

00:45:08

there Oh, I didn’t tell you about Glamor

00:45:11

and now one woman writes to me. I read a test in a

00:45:13

glamor magazine, a super test for

00:45:16

sagging

00:45:18

breasts. And so you don’t

00:45:21

see. You should have put a pencil under your chest

00:45:24

if the pencil

00:45:27

fell out, you were young, no sagging breasts

00:45:31

and you can’t see without a pencil she

00:45:34

writes not my option Brilliantly the second

00:45:37

stage if the pencil did not fall out you had to

00:45:39

raise your

00:45:40

hands if it fell out you had everything in

00:45:43

moderation the best breasts in the world writes not my

00:45:47

option in the event that IP with raised

00:45:50

hands the pencil continued

00:45:53

stay there the test advised not to give up

00:45:55

jumping I'm dying I'm dying it's someone who's

00:45:59

doing

00:46:01

this and he had to fall

00:46:05

out writes not my

00:46:08

option my option was not indicated in the test

00:46:11

I barely found a

00:46:17

pencil the sailor wrote I'm not afraid of anything No

00:46:21

more horror stories even the

00:46:23

American ones we went

00:46:26

One day from China on a cargo ship worth 2 million

00:46:31

dollars there were dolls on board children's

00:46:33

dolls the wave went up in the eighth wind

00:46:36

and at one moment when the ship heels these

00:46:40

dolls worth 2 million dollars all at the

00:46:42

same time close their eyes and scream

00:46:45

[music]

00:46:50

mom we

00:46:52

are accelerating our neighbor Lina went to

00:46:55

work, it was very frosty and she saw a

00:46:57

frozen squirrel on the side of the road,

00:46:59

lifeless, she returned home, she

00:47:03

brought the squirrel, that's why, well, it would work on the farm,

00:47:06

who knows why her husband

00:47:09

had to come from a business trip during the day, she

00:47:12

left the squirrel with Bek, she went to work during the day,

00:47:14

she calls and comes to her

00:47:18

the boss says into the room, the husband is calling and asks if

00:47:20

everything is okay with you. They didn’t notice anything.

00:47:27

Well, it’s only with the

00:47:28

Russians. The thing is that Belka warmed up

00:47:33

and somehow it seemed to her that she was the Mistress

00:47:35

here, and Galina had baked pancakes for her husband’s arrival

00:47:39

and the squirrel hung pancakes throughout the

00:47:44

apartment I especially tried on the elk

00:47:47

antlers in

00:47:51

the hallway, can

00:47:53

you imagine what it was like with my husband,

00:47:57

he went everywhere pancakes and a note dear

00:48:00

This is for

00:48:07

you, sometimes the children are asked to write poems for home

00:48:11

and are given some

00:48:13

defining words, so they gave the children the task of

00:48:15

writing a poem words like

00:48:18

yellow rain puddles gloomy leaves about autumn,

00:48:21

apparently the boy came home says

00:48:23

Dad help dad helped in the morning dad

00:48:26

and his parents were called to school

00:48:28

because the teacher immediately read out

00:48:31

poems and the poems were

00:48:33

such yellow leaves gloomy faces - these are

00:48:36

the Chinese coming about

00:48:39

[applause]

00:48:42

hangover in general with children such

00:48:44

super

00:48:48

stories a man writes At the end of the quarter,

00:48:51

grades were given. I ask you to show

00:48:53

your son’s diary, and the son says wait, dad, look

00:48:55

how I can

00:48:59

move my ears. The son asks Mom. Mom, can

00:49:01

I go for a walk with this hole in

00:49:03

my tights? No, with Svetka from the third

00:49:07

floor, grandma says granddaughter, Zhenya,

00:49:10

you’re a year old, Ask for dad. with your mother so that they can

00:49:13

buy you a brother or

00:49:15

sister. Zhenya’s grandson says why.

00:49:18

Mom spends money. Our mother is still young

00:49:20

and she can give birth.

00:49:22

Maybe the mother of a daughter. And who is it that

00:49:25

broke the jar on our balcony? Lisa is 4 years old, it’s

00:49:28

probably Dad with his filthy little hands,

00:49:32

it’s all my parents

00:49:35

send it to me, it’s better jokes jokes

00:49:38

make up this is life A woman writes to my eldest son that he is

00:49:41

6 years old And my little one is 2 months old I

00:49:44

’m changing clothes as a small child The six-year-old

00:49:46

looks at her and says mom what a

00:49:48

good little brother he is little white the same as I

00:49:51

imagine Mom what would have happened if

00:49:53

he was born with black skin and with black

00:49:55

hair

00:49:57

I say no I can’t imagine he says

00:49:59

you’d be screwed

00:50:01

[laughter]

00:50:02

[applause]

00:50:04

mom kids

00:50:09

high I don’t know what will happen to you now I’m

00:50:15

walking with a 6 year old child we see a

00:50:18

squirrel sitting in another country nothing

00:50:21

further But our women have imagination

00:50:24

such a huge squirrel slammed its back against the

00:50:26

door table you are gnawing on something the resemblance to my

00:50:28

husband in a chair after work is

00:50:31

awesome why did this come to mind I

00:50:33

just wanted to tell my son about it how the

00:50:35

squirrel is ready to look at the sky and

00:50:38

thoughtfully

00:50:41

burp loudly the boy tells me she

00:50:49

wants a beer oh another father wrote I don’t understand with

00:50:53

tenderness or horror my daughter

00:50:54

smoked for 3 years I scold her She says

00:50:57

dad don’t scold me I love you so much dad

00:50:58

I will never do it again Well that’s it don’t

00:51:00

scold Well daddy please here I am

00:51:03

calmed down melted and she saw it,

00:51:05

puts her hands on my cheeks and says Well, he

00:51:08

swam

00:51:11

[applause]

00:51:14

bearded man

00:51:18

oh Shuru, six on the highway near Tomsk,

00:51:22

number

00:51:23

345, there is a patrol car in the back, and

00:51:27

through the loudspeaker the driver of the

00:51:30

patrol car announces the driver of the

00:51:32

bus with number 345, stop

00:51:34

because there are a full six people and

00:51:37

it’s impossible to count how many, he decided to joke, the

00:51:39

driver of the bus with number 345,

00:51:41

stop, the driver of the six understands

00:51:43

that it’s his number, stops,

00:51:45

approaches, shows his license, the students get out of the Zhiguli,

00:51:52

the traffic cop has counted, he says,

00:51:55

Sorry, I’m taking away the license. If there were 10 of them,

00:51:58

I wouldn’t take it, the driver smiles, goes,

00:52:01

opens

00:52:04

the trunk and writes He kept his word,

00:52:08

this is also super in

00:52:10

Bulgaria, there are a lot of these Turkish

00:52:14

belly dances in restaurants and in the restaurant a

00:52:17

belly dancer dances in her

00:52:20

panties 50 summer there toru le change

00:52:33

look mother-in-law decided to wean her off

00:52:36

drinking a very Russian story went to

00:52:38

hell and to whom else and she says We need to

00:52:41

give him dog blood to drink horror and many

00:52:44

believe where they got the dog blood I do

00:52:46

n’t know but they

00:52:49

got the man and sent him to the bathhouse to take a

00:52:52

steam bath.

00:52:56

didn’t

00:52:57

notice, but he left a little earlier and hears

00:53:01

this conversation, didn’t show

00:53:03

it, super sat down, they poured it for him, he drank it

00:53:07

ready and started barking at them, mother-in-law ran on all fours after

00:53:16

her and bit her

00:53:19

heels, the wife behind him broke her leg, mother-in-law

00:53:22

fainted, heart attack, but he didn’t drink bro

00:53:27

[applause]

00:53:30

helicopter pilot helicopter pilot wrote We do

00:53:32

n’t fly to one city in the north, there is

00:53:34

no light at night at the site and we

00:53:36

told them we don’t fly because

00:53:38

the site is not lit, they invited a priest and he

00:53:41

illuminated

00:53:45

the site, my husband and I were driving home, we decided

00:53:48

to pass the way through the cemetery

00:53:50

the night is scary, and the husband says: What if

00:53:53

we get stuck here

00:53:56

and can’t push the car out? The husband says

00:53:58

Serga is a faithful friend, call him. Let Bert

00:54:00

shovel and the shovel comes with a

00:54:02

shovel. 3 nights she calls Serga, says

00:54:07

Take the shovel, come to our

00:54:10

cemetery, of course you’re a fool, the

00:54:13

husband hung up. says Well, you need to be able to

00:54:16

talk called explained to him

00:54:18

Seryoga says explain to your wife so that

00:54:20

she learns to speak normally, I’ll

00:54:23

come right away, I’ll get a shovel, call a taxi, the

00:54:27

taxi driver asks where he’s talking, at the

00:54:33

cemetery, the squadron of pilots decided to

00:54:36

celebrate the next exercise, Adler flew in, they have

00:54:38

their own sanatorium there,

00:54:40

someone set the table put it back then there was still a

00:54:42

sprat in the tomato to open there was nothing to open Hugo has no

00:54:44

knife but the young lieutenant decided to

00:54:46

curry favor with the chief he says I’ll open

00:54:48

it ran to the fire stand only the

00:54:50

Russian could take a red ax and

00:54:53

poked it with all his might and it flew

00:54:55

out and the sprat and the tomato stood covered in blood

00:55:00

Jacob wiped it the eye thinks he needs to wash himself

00:55:03

there at the

00:55:05

washbasin and without throwing away the red

00:55:11

ax he ran to wash himself at this time

00:55:14

the colonel was brushing his teeth for the night there, seeing a

00:55:18

mirror death with a red

00:55:22

ax he twitched, slipped, hit

00:55:25

his head, lost consciousness And this one

00:55:27

bent over him to bring him to his

00:55:30

senses Well, where in what is this time a

00:55:33

young pilot came in with a frying pan

00:55:36

to wash it when he saw a murderer with a red ax

00:55:39

with all his might he stunned him with a frying pan

00:55:41

this country will not live well

00:55:44

but it

00:55:46

will be fun

00:55:48

Here is the queue

00:55:54

at Sberbank on the electronic board Above one

00:55:57

of the SZ number A8 lights up no one

00:55:59

comes up girl operator KT A8 voice from

00:56:02

queue

00:56:08

wounded above the cash register number A9 lights up the

00:56:12

same voice is

00:56:15

killed Oh, and this is a

00:56:19

young woman with a virgin brain came to the

00:56:22

pharmacy says give me a contraceptive

00:56:25

and the pharmacist says there is a prescription

00:56:27

No, I can’t give it, I don’t know what

00:56:29

will happen to you she says Then at least give me a patch

00:56:34

In general, if I tell indecent

00:56:38

stories, I have so many of them, you know, the

00:56:40

Comedy Club can stand around the corner for me to

00:56:43

relax. And since he said, I need to

00:56:48

say, the cat cut his paw and his mother

00:56:52

tried to put it on him, she does

00:56:55

n’t cut it, she says to her daughter, Go to

00:57:01

the pharmacy and buy a

00:57:03

condom. The line came and told

00:57:07

me the smallest size please

00:57:09

know the whole

00:57:13

line looked at her sadly

00:57:16

Ada brought it worse She said

00:57:20

No, the

00:57:21

line got really sad

00:57:25

She realized she turned around and told me for the

00:57:28

cat she

00:57:32

said everything I told you that I

00:57:34

will get you But this woman she wrote to me about

00:57:37

how she was giving birth. Well, this is a brilliant story.

00:57:40

I felt labor pains. It was

00:57:42

summer. I’m in

00:57:44

a panic, I think I need to take something, some kind of

00:57:46

talisman, but the main thing is a talisman; I have a

00:57:49

knitted winter

00:57:50

hat; it doesn’t matter if it’s summer; a robe; a cap;

00:57:55

I think the car has already come for me; the

00:57:58

first one came for me. I look at my husband’s backpack, I

00:58:01

threw it all in there and didn’t look at what was in there,

00:58:05

they brought me. I say, doctor,

00:58:08

before giving birth, put on me everything

00:58:10

in the

00:58:15

backpack. The doctor says, Well, please, she

00:58:18

gave 100 dollars, she says put everything on,

00:58:20

everything is there, everything is all talismans I have.

00:58:25

I don’t know what’s going to happen to you, they’re

00:58:29

reading out to me, I’m already in such a state

00:58:31

from contractions, I don’t understand anything, my sister

00:58:34

brings a wheelchair and gives me

00:58:36

things, I see there’s a robe, a woolen

00:58:39

cap and

00:58:41

hockey skates. And I’m saying this, why does she

00:58:44

say

00:58:45

put it on, why did the Doctor say to put everything on for

00:58:48

you?

00:58:49

I’m thinking why they’re putting skates on me,

00:58:53

maybe so I don’t

00:58:58

run away, they’re taking me down the

00:59:01

corridor from the

00:59:11

Lybid people into the ward, they helped me climb onto a chair in skates, I’m

00:59:14

lying all looking so

00:59:17

interesting with my

00:59:19

skates on, and I’m thinking why the hell they put skates on me,

00:59:25

maybe there’s a new way to bench press underwater?

00:59:27

here a doctor runs in wearing skates and

00:59:30

started shouting at the nurses, what did you do,

00:59:32

I think, well, at least he’ll say he says,

00:59:35

why don’t you rewind your skates with bandages,

00:59:40

I see They rewind them, bandage my

00:59:42

skates and smiles in vain, my

00:59:46

cap

00:59:48

[applause] I

00:59:50

put on everything now, you’ll be ready, the

00:59:53

dental

00:59:56

clinic is sitting bro, really, not on a

00:59:59

bumpy sun, golden teeth, everything under a golden

01:00:02

crown hurts a tooth, a pretty nurse, a

01:00:05

pretty

01:00:07

doctor, and lower the crown on a dental hairdryer,

01:00:14

the best specialist in removing

01:00:16

gold crowns, a man with the last name of

01:00:20

blue for the children,

01:00:23

Yur bro, says you need to

01:00:28

lower it, then shake it, the nurse

01:00:32

says let's go call

01:00:37

the blue ones quietly quietly quietly

01:00:42

Oh, in general, there are super stories with surnames

01:00:45

and only in the Russian

01:00:48

language Vozrozhdeniye Bank Juris Consul by the

01:00:52

name of

01:00:53

Hedgehogs order for the bank I don’t know

01:00:56

what will happen to you Bank

01:00:58

Voz prohibit the legal adviser

01:01:02

Zhiko Answer the

01:01:05

phone Bank of Vozrozhdeniye Hedgehogs

01:01:10

[applause]

01:01:12

listening You really, as children have become,

01:01:15

I told me about this on the radio, a letter arrives from the

01:01:20

gates

01:01:23

of mim true, the hamster guards say,

01:01:28

they listen, and in the Cosmos hotel there is a

01:01:31

manager, a top manager, a woman with the last name

01:01:35

Elk, and when someone calls, she

01:01:39

says the elk from space is

01:01:41

also the same picture

01:01:45

quietly the guy wrote a letter and walked

01:01:49

through the city late at night, didn’t touch anyone, suddenly got

01:01:51

kicked in the back, fell face down, lying down,

01:01:54

running, two riot police turned

01:01:57

me over, they said again,

01:01:59

he’s not the main word here again, that is, they’ve been around for

01:02:03

a long time, my aunt and uncle went to

01:02:06

Thailand, we were deceived by the travel agency writes a

01:02:09

young woman they didn’t give the required service Well,

01:02:12

we were angry and went to a cafe and there a

01:02:15

young Thai waitress says oh, you’re

01:02:17

Russian in English Says Tell me, this is the

01:02:19

first day I’ve been working like in Russian

01:02:20

Bon Appetite the aunt angrily said eat

01:02:23

What they give

01:02:26

in the evening there was no waitress because

01:02:29

can you imagine the Russians came, she eats them

01:02:32

What does I give? In the

01:02:36

morning I was riding on the bus,

01:02:39

I got tired, and automatically getting off the

01:02:42

bus I said

01:02:44

goodbye to everyone. You saw their expression on their faces,

01:02:49

I realized that I was freezing and added But

01:02:51

by the way,

01:02:53

Goodbye,

01:02:55

you saw how they were following me everyone

01:02:59

jumped out into the traffic cop said the

01:03:03

cool boss was driving along the highway and stayed next to

01:03:05

me and said, can you hear the cop Where is the

01:03:07

nearest motel I calmly answer him the

01:03:09

second turn to the right and for the cop the fine is

01:03:12

30 bucks he thought he says the change

01:03:15

will be from the steward I say No He says

01:03:18

Then the cop cop another ten

01:03:23

[ __ ]

01:03:26

everyone is tired but still

01:03:28

now you don’t have long to suffer

01:03:32

the man behind the scenes said a young

01:03:33

pretty guy sitting with a friend smoking at

01:03:35

the entrance an old man came up hesitating hesitating

01:03:38

took out some piece of paper like a

01:03:41

medical prescription like a medical prescription

01:03:43

from his pocket handed it to us says Guys I took

01:03:45

the tests 3 days 3 days ago I passed the

01:03:49

results finely written please read

01:03:50

this guy says in vain I immediately read it out loud

01:03:53

Zadornov often says

01:03:56

breathe air into your chest, he’s right it was

01:03:59

written there You handed in the

01:04:07

matches the old man

01:04:11

turned pale and began to rummage through his

01:04:16

pockets with his hands, found a matchbox and left

01:04:20

throw it away Well, the

01:04:24

blonde was coming, but this is all

01:04:26

final, to finish you off, this is

01:04:29

the image of this stupid young woman walking,

01:04:32

talking on her iPhone in the evening in the park,

01:04:35

of course, the guy put the knife to the wrong throat, he

01:04:37

says, give me the phone She

01:04:39

says

01:04:42

8903, he dropped the knife and ran away Oh

01:04:47

how I

01:04:49

I want to direct a

01:04:52

musical break now, after all, music should

01:04:55

be in a humorous concert, then the

01:04:57

best humor is understood and the truth is that tenderness

01:05:00

should be among harsh humor I was

01:05:03

friends with Leonid Filatov Well, of course,

01:05:05

most people know that Lenya wrote a

01:05:08

fairy tale about a Sagittarius, but very likely

01:05:12

not everyone knows that he wrote poems,

01:05:14

lyrical poems And then one day he

01:05:17

wrote poems dedicated to the cannon Nathan

01:05:20

Why did

01:05:26

history and everything noble

01:05:29

that is in our family begin to be trashed even then, and of course now

01:05:32

it has reached its maximum. For example, I

01:05:35

recently read articles by Russian scientists who

01:05:37

call themselves historians, they are

01:05:39

denigrating

01:05:44

the Dons during the

01:05:47

Kulikovo beat, his failure was diarrhea, where the

01:05:53

evidence is getting worse and worse and tarnishing

01:05:55

our history, then in the Soviet years

01:05:58

they began to desecrate Pushkin, but not himself, but

01:06:01

approached him through Goncharov, they say

01:06:03

she cheated, they say she’s walking around this Dantes

01:06:06

heke They were actually two gays actually,

01:06:10

but about them, not

01:06:23

denigrating,

01:06:25

did not change the guns for one simple

01:06:27

reason because he is a genius and

01:06:30

women do not cheat on geniuses there. So we believed it

01:06:33

and Lenya decided to defend Pushkin with poetry. Well,

01:06:36

how can a poet still defend this now

01:06:40

everyone is legally defending each other

01:06:42

because no honor dignity somehow

01:06:44

stopped working I once wrote

01:06:48

poetry, I’ve never

01:06:50

been in court thanks to these poems, I’ve never sued

01:06:52

anyone, and going into a gateway doesn’t hit me in

01:06:54

the face, but he’ll sue right away, even the

01:06:58

one who punches me in the face I gave such a time today, they

01:07:00

had wonderful poems, it doesn’t matter that there are

01:07:03

other reasons in the world, it doesn’t matter that

01:07:07

the quarrel was over the ladies, but the important thing is that there

01:07:09

are still men in the world who are ashamed

01:07:13

to drag themselves to the courts. And imagine how

01:07:16

he foresaw

01:07:18

today’s present time and those

01:07:21

poems which you will now hear written in the

01:07:24

early seventies, music by Vladimir

01:07:26

Kochin And I’ll even invite Natalia Moskvina to the stage

01:07:30

and

01:07:38

every pope’s ear can sing about betrayal and simply about unhappy love today, but about

01:07:41

fidelity Sing This requires

01:07:45

talent and a poetic performer so

01:07:48

I’ll go backstage now so as not to

01:07:50

be moved because this song

01:07:54

is called Natalie Goncharova,

01:07:56

imagine Pushkin on the black river Natalie at the

01:07:59

car wash doesn’t yet know how

01:08:01

this whole story will end, she’s waiting for

01:08:04

Pushkin, they bring her almost dying

01:08:08

husband, the song is called Natalie Goncharova,

01:08:11

sung by Natalia Moskvina about female

01:08:18

[music]

01:08:22

fidelity

01:08:28

[music]

01:08:30

[applause]

01:08:52

and the

01:08:56

yellow wax of the

01:09:01

candle is melting, the

01:09:04

strong tea in the

01:09:07

[music]

01:09:08

glass is getting cold somewhere out there in the Gray

01:09:12

[music]

01:09:14

night,

01:09:17

drunken

01:09:22

gypsies are riding,

01:09:25

you hear this

01:09:28

laughter, it’s full that you are

01:09:35

really the whitest

01:09:41

snow fell in the world on the day of your

01:09:52

duel,

01:09:59

you know somewhere, there

01:10:03

in the distance, in the

01:10:05

bright serpentine

01:10:10

hall, Natalie silently stood up

01:10:15

with

01:10:17

surprised

01:10:20

eyes in this dancing

01:10:25

crowd in the center of the

01:10:29

festive

01:10:32

hall, like a candle for

01:10:37

you, this woman

01:10:41

stood up and dropped her

01:10:47

hands in white,

01:10:52

that’s all -

01:10:56

after all, it means after all

01:10:58

[music]

01:11:00

loved my friend Here's an old

01:11:05

blanket for you, my friend Here's a bowl for you With

01:11:09

push Pushkin you're over 30

01:11:14

years old, you're just a

01:11:17

boy

01:11:22

Pushkin

01:11:40

gives yellow wax

01:11:45

candles the

01:11:48

strong tea in the

01:11:52

glass gets cold Sasha Do you hear

01:11:56

there in the

01:11:57

[music]

01:11:59

nights

01:12:07

drunk people are driving

01:12:12

[music]

01:12:22

gypsy

01:12:25

Natalya

01:12:29

Moskvina director of this number her

01:12:32

inspirer Mikhail Zadornov Thank

01:12:36

you too

01:12:38

about female fidelity is the most touching

01:12:42

thank you thank you for us

01:12:45

men

01:12:47

Thank you I

01:12:52

thank you Yes no no one will ever

01:12:57

let go I think that a real poet

01:13:01

always feels you know what is

01:13:04

eternal my favorite poet with with whom we

01:13:07

became friends about 10 years ago, Evgeny

01:13:10

Yevtushenko, and when we

01:13:13

met, he told me Let’s be friends forever

01:13:15

because at our age, otherwise there’s

01:13:16

no prospect

01:13:17

[music]

01:13:22

that’s the right word. Unexpected word,

01:13:27

please. Evgeny

01:13:31

Evtushenko, these are the kind of viewers we

01:13:34

understand

01:13:37

the word, it’s very

01:13:39

cool Natalia Moskvina director and

01:13:43

Alexey Karelin

01:13:47

composer thank you

01:13:52

Alexey

01:13:54

So again Leonid

01:13:57

Filatov Of course, there are still people

01:14:00

who know that he wrote poetry, but

01:14:02

almost no one knows what kind of

01:14:05

poetry he wrote for the first time we were very

01:14:08

young, we are all Our company is from

01:14:13

Riga Volodya I am from Riga we were named

01:14:15

Filatov with trained

01:14:17

Zhana Well, because Filatov was Tai

01:14:20

the trainer

01:14:22

Ie wrote poems the first thing he wrote

01:14:26

were poems about Moscow, I understand today it is

01:14:29

unlikely that he would have written such poems About

01:14:31

Moscow Moscow was different, it was not

01:14:35

antique jewelry, not banking, it

01:14:38

was a museum, it there was a musical

01:14:41

Theater We began

01:14:44

to develop very quickly in Moscow today Moscow is

01:14:45

of course different today Moscow sucks up

01:14:48

all the evil spirits of Russia into itself Well,

01:14:50

thank God there is the Rublyovskoe Highway which

01:14:52

sucks out all the Russian evil spirits from Moscow

01:14:54

But then, of course, Lenya

01:14:58

was inspired by Moscow and he wrote, in my opinion,

01:15:01

here it happens that the first shows the

01:15:05

degree of a person’s talent So the music of

01:15:08

Vladimir Kachin the poems of Leonid

01:15:11

Filatov about our

01:15:16

[music]

01:15:19

capital at the window Dada

01:15:24

I stand at the window like at a

01:15:28

canvas Oh what beauty outside the window it’s

01:15:34

like someone mixed up the colors and

01:15:40

not the clay and

01:15:43

[music]

01:15:45

playpen A

01:15:48

green

01:15:52

sunrise is rising over Moscow Sunrise is coming across the bridge, an

01:15:55

orange cat is walking along the

01:16:14

bridge and the lotoshniki are selling beige oranges. A green sunrise is rising across the bridge over Moscow. Goth and the

01:16:20

lotoshniks are walking across the bridge from the metro, selling

01:16:28

beige oranges. And in the trolleybus the window is flickering.

01:16:33

Passengers are like a color movie for me,

01:16:36

my friends, it’s terribly funny to watch. through the window, the world

01:16:41

This black man from a distant country is so

01:16:43

embarrassed by his Whiteness and I chop the purple ice cream next to

01:16:47

him,

01:16:50

this black man from a distant country is so

01:16:54

shy of his Whiteness and I chop the

01:16:58

purple ice cream next to him, and the guard shakes

01:17:02

his head

01:17:04

Oh, he’s dumbfounded today Moscow has

01:17:07

given No litter I’m not one of my own, like a fish for

01:17:12

miles, I run through the streets as I want. I do

01:17:16

n’t

01:17:20

want any miracles with lanterns hanging over my shoulder. I don’t want to. Like bananas in Somalia and I

01:17:24

run through the streets. I want to. I don’t want any miracles with

01:17:29

lanterns hanging over my shoulder. Like

01:17:32

Samali bananas. I run and

01:17:35

laugh. I didn’t drink, I didn’t smoke But I’m hanging out from the city

01:17:40

because there are miracles all around, the skies are decorated with

01:17:45

green,

01:17:46

either a dream or delirium, the president is driving in a

01:17:49

pink car to the blue Kremlin

01:17:53

I’m probably sleeping oranges the color of bea over

01:17:58

Moscow the

01:17:59

green

01:18:03

sunrise is rising across the bridge, an orange code, an orange

01:18:08

hawker near the metro is selling

01:18:13

sells oranges color beige

01:18:17

beige above Moscow rises green

01:18:21

orange cop and lotoshniki metro

01:18:27

sells oranges colors beige beige beige Besh

01:18:31

over the bridge rises green Sunrise across the bridge

01:18:34

orange scod and palm metro

01:18:38

sells oranges Sveta

01:18:40

beige oranges Sveta beige yes dadada

01:18:44

oranges Sveta

01:18:47

[music]

01:18:51

beige

01:18:59

Moskvina, thank you, you will kiss Yes,

01:19:04

that’s why it

01:19:08

was brought out Sergei Uryupin guitar Royal

01:19:12

Sergei Gavrilov accordion Andrey Kutsev

01:19:16

ku Dmitry Serebryanikov

01:19:20

Natalya Lina director of this number of this

01:19:26

concert I and in general Fervent concert

01:19:30

Natalya Moskvina Thank you for the tenderness

01:19:33

for the tender

01:19:39

note in my too fervent concert Well,

01:19:43

so that you are in a good mood for the

01:19:45

night I received a letter from Venice This is

01:19:47

my favorite in Venice, most of the

01:19:50

hotels on the banks of the canals in the morning

01:19:52

there is a fog of cheese, the fog is thick and a

01:19:55

guy writes to me I went out onto the balcony a

01:19:58

Russian guy writes such a fog of fingers I do

01:20:00

n’t see an outstretched hand further only

01:20:03

a Russian can come to mind he writes to me

01:20:05

so I wanted to yell into the fog Why do

01:20:09

you and he shouted super

01:20:15

zhi and suddenly from the other

01:20:18

side a female Russian voice from the fog

01:20:23

[music]

01:20:25

[applause]

01:20:30

[music]

01:20:51

that's it

Description:

Новый концерт Михаила Задорнова «Апельсины цвета беж». Михаил Задорнов утверждает: «Наша страна жить хорошо не будет, а весело – будет!» Свежие шутки и наблюдашки Михаила Задорнова: Как грамотно подколоть официантку? Какие гаджеты стоило бы изобрести? Какие слова стоило бы придумать? Чем русский принцип «авось-небось» отличается от «накось-выкусь»? Что рассказывает молодое поколение родителей о своих детях? Лучшие объявления и письма поклонников из коллекции Михаила Задорнова. А также другие жизненные истории, советы и идеи в новом концерте "Апельсины цвета беж", 2016. ✔ Смотрите на Задор ТВ: ➡ Концерты Михаила Задорнова - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMq9dPXd4COHwi1ptDF1Xn0foRRdtiENH ➡ Михаил Задорнов Лучшее - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMq9dPXd4COHLuAbjhEnzhnulv1Fdx8_i ➡ Неформат с Михаилом Задорновым - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLF3C82E9FA53388E1 ➡ Вещий Олег. Обретенная быль - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMq9dPXd4COH4LpR8BID9NeRDqs5rxGL7 ➡ Фильмы Михаила Задорнова - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLMq9dPXd4COGAKy6NvutKIkgjuLrKbh_U ✔ Подписывайся на Задор ТВ ➡ https://www.youtube.com/mnzadornov?gl=CO

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