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00:00:12
MOSFILM Studios
00:00:20
Ilf and Petrov
00:00:26
Based on the novel of Ilya Ilf and Evgeny Petrov
00:00:31
Experimental Creative Association
00:00:36
presents
00:00:41
12 CHAIRS
00:00:44
The Cast
00:00:46
Archil Gomiashvili Sergei Philippov Mikhail Pugovkin
00:00:52
G. Bogdanova-Chesnokova N. Varlei, N. Vorobyova N. Grebeshkova
00:00:55
N. Krachkovskaya K. Rumyanova
00:00:58
G. Vitsin N. Gorlov S. Kramarov
00:01:00
Yu. Nikulin V. Pavlov
00:01:04
G. Roninson R. Philippov G. Schpiegel
00:01:06
V. Etush I. Yasulovich
00:01:33
Make-up by L. Kaleva Costumes by K. Savitsky Edited by K. Aleeva
00:01:42
Lyrics by L. Derbenev Conductor – G. Garanyan
00:01:44
Camera by I. Shtanko Scenery by A. Makarov
00:01:47
Sound by R. Margacheva Assistant Director – M. Koldobskaya
00:01:51
Music by Alexander Zatsepin
00:01:53
Production Designer Evgeny Kumankov
00:01:56
Director of Photography Sergei Poluyanov, Valery Shuvalov
00:02:02
Directed by Leonid Gaidai
00:02:05
Script by V. Bakhnov, L. Gaidai
00:02:16
Part One THINGS ARE MOVING
00:02:18
In the summer of 1927
00:02:21
at 11.30 AM, a young man
00:02:24
entered Stargorod from the direction
00:02:26
of the village of Chmarovka, to the north-east.
00:02:29
Mister! gimme ten kopeks!
00:02:40
Mister! gimme ten kopeks!
00:02:47
Perhaps you'd also like the key of the apartment where the money is?
00:02:51
No-o…
00:02:54
The young man had not told the truth.
00:02:56
He had no money, no apartment where it might have been found,
00:03:00
and no key with which to open it.
00:03:02
His name was Ostap Bender.
00:03:24
“VAKHANYUK and Co”
00:03:43
What's the matter?
00:03:45
What's the matter? Who are you?
00:03:51
Is something wrong with my shop?
00:03:58
You know very well yourself.
00:04:00
Maybe we should come inside and talk.
00:04:04
You'll have to talk you know where.
00:04:44
Can you give me a light?
00:04:56
Tell me, dad are there any marriageable young girls in this town?
00:05:00
- For some a mare'd be a bride. - I have no more questions.
00:05:03
A house like this and no girls in it?
00:05:05
This is a state institution - a home for old-age women.
00:05:09
Born even before the advent of historical materialism?
00:05:12
They were born when they were born.
00:05:14
Listen, granddad, what about a drink?
00:05:16
- All right! - Right, then.
00:05:22
- I'll stay the night with you. - You can stay here
00:05:25
for the rest of your life if you like.
00:05:26
- What was here in the old days? - My master used to live here.
00:05:29
- Ippolit Matveevich Vorobyaninov. - A bourgeois?
00:05:32
Bourgeois yourself! He was a marshal of the nobility.
00:05:35
You mean he was from the working class?
00:05:36
Working class yourself! He was a marshal of the nobility.
00:05:44
The police chief used to salute him.
00:05:48
I'd go and wish him a happy new year, let's say,
00:05:53
and he'd give me 3 roubles.
00:05:54
At Easter, let's say, he'd give me another 3 roubles.
00:05:59
He even promised to give me a medal.
00:06:04
That's what he would say:
00:06:06
“Tikhon, consider yourself already having a medal.”
00:06:10
But it didn’t happen.
00:06:13
Do they give medals to caretakers nowadays?
00:06:16
Certainly.
00:06:18
Coming!
00:06:31
Master! Back from Paris!
00:06:34
Hello, Tikhon. I certainly haven't come from Paris.
00:06:38
Where did you get that strange idea from?
00:06:40
This isn't Paris, but you're welcome to our abode.
00:06:44
- I haven’t come from Paris. - Splendid,
00:06:47
of course you haven't come from Paris.
00:06:48
You've no doubt come from Kologriv
00:06:50
to visit your deceased grandmother.
00:06:58
My name's Bender.
00:07:00
- You may have heard of me. - No, I haven't.
00:07:04
No, how could the name
00:07:07
of Ostap-Suleiman-Bertha-Maria Bender Bey be known in Paris?
00:07:10
Bertha-Maria Bender… Sounds weird…
00:07:14
- I haven't come from Paris. - Marvelous.
00:07:18
You've come from Morshansk!
00:07:21
Is it warm in Paris now?
00:07:24
Well, I'm going now.
00:07:26
You don't need to hurry anywhere.
00:07:28
- The secret police will come for you. - I don't know what you mean.
00:07:31
You soon will.
00:07:34
Sit down. Quickly.
00:07:41
Which frontier did you cross?
00:07:44
Was it the Polish, Finnish, or Rumanian frontier?
00:07:47
Honestly, I'm a Soviet citizen. I can show you my passport. Here.
00:07:50
With printing being so developed in the West,
00:07:53
the forgery of a Soviet passport is nothing.
00:07:58
All right. a) We have an emigre
00:08:01
who returned from Paris to his hometown.
00:08:03
b) This emigre is afraid of secret police.
00:08:06
- c)… - But I already told you:
00:08:08
- I'm not an emigre. - Then who are you?
00:08:10
- Why are you here? - I arrived on business.
00:08:13
- What business? - Well…
00:08:15
Speak up!
00:08:18
- Personal business. - Personal business, eh.
00:08:21
And then you say you're not an emigre!
00:08:26
So, will you confess on your own will or what?
00:08:31
- Speak up! - All right…
00:08:34
“Anyway, it might be difficult without an accomplice”,
00:08:38
he thought to himself, "and this fellow seems
00:08:41
to be a really shady character. He might be useful…"
00:08:43
I'll tell you everything.
00:08:48
In a provincial town N where the ex marshal of nobility
00:08:50
worked as a clerk of the registration office,
00:08:53
there were so many hairdressing parlors and funeral homes
00:08:57
that the inhabitants seemed to be born merely in order
00:09:00
to have a shave, get their hair cut, freshen up their heads
00:09:03
with toilet water and then die.
00:09:05
Be quick, she is dying!
00:09:08
Oh, my God.
00:09:22
I held the last rite for her. Her soul is pure now.
00:09:24
Don’t lose courage, Ippolit Matveevich.
00:09:27
- Eppole-et… - Go, go…
00:09:32
Eppole-et...
00:09:35
I want to tell you something…
00:09:39
Do you remember our drawing-room suite in Stargorod?
00:09:43
Yes, I remember it very well. A sofa, a dozen chairs…
00:09:47
I sewed my jewels
00:09:49
into the seat of a chair.
00:09:55
Weren't they taken when the house was searched?
00:09:58
I hid the jewels in a chair.
00:10:03
Your jewels! Why didn't you give them to me?
00:10:07
Why should I have given them to you
00:10:11
when you squandered away my daughter's estate?
00:10:14
What? 70 thousand roubles' worth of jewels hidden in a chair!
00:10:18
Heaven knows who may sit on that chair!
00:10:21
But this is…
00:10:30
Those evening bells!
00:10:33
Fedor, what?
00:10:36
How many a tale
00:10:39
their music tells…
00:10:44
Oh, my God, what’s wrong with you?
00:10:48
Listen, but mum is the word.
00:10:52
I held the last rites for Vorobyaninov’s mother-in-law today.
00:10:55
She confessed, that in their house in Stargorod,
00:10:59
she hid her jewelry
00:11:01
in one of the chairs.
00:11:04
She bequeathed that jewelry to me.
00:11:07
- To you? - Yes, to me.
00:11:09
Soon we’ll lead a different life, with a candle factory of our own
00:11:13
- and so on. - Well, well…
00:11:17
Those evening bells.
00:11:20
How many a tale…
00:11:27
The jewels…
00:11:36
I’ll find them,
00:11:39
I’ll find them by all means!
00:11:42
The stones have been tastefully selected, I see.
00:11:45
I think all this jazz costs about 150 thousand now.
00:11:49
- Really as much as that? - Not less than that.
00:11:51
However, I would spit at all this.
00:11:54
- How? - Just spit at it.
00:11:57
- Nothing will come out of it. - But why?
00:11:59
Your suite was probably used for firewood long ago.
00:12:03
Take it easy.
00:12:05
Calm down.
00:12:08
I'll take charge.
00:12:11
Only we’ll have to conclude a little deal.
00:12:14
If we find the treasure, as your technical adviser
00:12:17
I receive 60 per cent.
00:12:19
That's daylight robbery!
00:12:21
- Name your conditions. - Well, err… 5 per cent,
00:12:25
or maybe even 10 per cent.
00:12:28
Maybe you'd like me to work for nothing and also give you
00:12:30
the key of the apartment where the money is?
00:12:33
In that case, I'm sorry, I have every reason to believe
00:12:37
I can manage the business by myself.
00:12:40
In that case, I'm sorry, I have just as much reason to believe,
00:12:44
that I can also manage your business by myself.
00:12:47
- You villain! - Listen, gentleman from Paris,
00:12:52
do you know your jewels are practically in my pocket?
00:12:55
And I'm only interested in you as long
00:12:58
as I wish to prolong your old age.
00:13:01
- 20 per cent - And my grub?
00:13:05
- 25. - And the key from my apartment?
00:13:11
- 30 per cent. - All right.
00:13:16
But it is only with due respect to your noble descent
00:13:20
that I would agree to work for the meager 40 per cent.
00:13:26
That's 60 thousand!
00:13:29
You're a rather nasty man.
00:13:34
- You're too fond of money. - And I suppose you aren't?
00:13:37
- No, I'm not. - Then why do you want 60 thousand?
00:13:40
- On principle! - Ah…
00:13:42
- So, things are moving? - Villain!
00:13:45
- What? - Things are moving!
00:13:47
It's a bargain then, dear member of the jury.
00:13:50
I will run this parade!
00:13:58
Good morning, marshal. I have good news for you.
00:14:01
- I traced the first chair. - Oh, my God!
00:14:05
The chair is in what used to be your house.
00:14:08
Wrap up your morning toilette and let’s go.
00:14:11
I’m ready.
00:14:31
You must be crazy!
00:14:33
What?
00:14:35
Look at yourself.
00:14:38
Oh, my God!
00:14:40
Oh, my God.
00:14:42
How on earth?
00:14:45
I was told it would be
00:14:49
jet black. It was contraband.
00:14:53
All contraband is made in Deribasovskaya Street in Odessa.
00:14:57
Oh, my God, what do I do?
00:15:01
What is there to be done?
00:15:03
It will have to be dyed again.
00:15:05
It's called 'Naiad'.
00:15:09
- Amazing chestnut colour. - You don’t say so!
00:16:07
Very impressive. You’re my charmer.
00:16:10
Only I don't recommend living in Soviet Russia
00:16:13
- with the hair like yours. - Why not?
00:16:14
- It will have to be shaved off. - That's impossible!
00:16:18
Then you can stay in the caretaker's room for the rest of your life,
00:16:21
- and I'll go for the chairs. - All right, shave it then.
00:16:30
You owe me 2 roubles for the shave and haircut.
00:16:33
Why so expensive? It should only cost 40 kopeks
00:16:36
For reasons of security, Comrade Field Marshal!
00:16:39
There!
00:16:42
Nervous people should turn away.
00:16:48
Voila!
00:17:02
The Assistant Warden of Stavropol’s Retirement Home N 2
00:17:06
was a shy little thief.
00:17:09
His whole being protested against stealing,
00:17:13
yet it was impossible for him not to steal.
00:17:15
He stole and was ashamed of himself.
00:17:17
He stole constantly and was constantly ashamed of himself.
00:17:21
The world has never seen such a bashful chiseller
00:17:24
as Alexander Yakovlevich.
00:17:27
You'll help the society by bringing colored metal for recycling!
00:17:55
Stavropol’s Retirement Home N 2
00:18:19
And my heart gave a pang
00:18:24
On recollecting the past…
00:18:29
Brass orchestra – the road to collective creative activities
00:18:31
Descants, softer!
00:18:44
Kukushkina, not so loud!
00:18:59
Where can I find the warden?
00:19:01
What do you want, Comrade?
00:19:03
National folk-songs? Very interesting!
00:19:06
- I'm the fire inspector. - Pleased to meet you.
00:19:10
- Let's take a look at the premises. - Come this way.
00:19:16
- Do they use primus here? - Kukushkina!
00:19:19
- No, no! - Or stoves or anything of that kind?
00:19:22
- No! - Let's go on.
00:19:24
"Feet"
00:19:26
- This is the dormitory. - I see.
00:19:30
- Are the chimneys swept regularly? - Sure.
00:19:34
- Are the stoves working properly? - Absolutely.
00:19:37
Let’s go on.
00:19:44
Is this a new batch of babushkas?
00:19:46
They're orphans.
00:19:48
A trying heritage from the Tsarist regime.
00:19:51
Inspector, please take pot luck and lunch with us.
00:19:55
Pot luck that day happened to be
00:19:58
a bottle of Zubrovka vodka,
00:20:00
home-pickled mushrooms, black caviar,
00:20:04
minced herring, Ukrainian beet soup
00:20:06
chicken and rice, fruits, and so on and so forth.
00:20:11
- Here's to your communal services. - Thank you.
00:20:16
- Bon appetit. - Thank you.
00:20:26
Why is it that the furnishings are so skimpy
00:20:30
in your establishment?
00:20:32
You have absolutely nothing at all of any taste to sit on.
00:20:35
- Oh, not at all. - Not at all!
00:20:38
In the recreation room there's an English chair left over
00:20:40
- from the original furniture. - A unique chair.
00:20:44
I saw it myself this morning. Where can it be?
00:20:47
Yes, it was right here.
00:20:50
It's depressing, girls,
00:20:52
to have chairs disappearing in a most mysterious way.
00:20:56
- It's absolutely ridiculous! - I’ll check in the dormitories.
00:21:03
A friend of mine also used to sell government property.
00:21:06
I find your groundless accusations strange.
00:21:11
You abortion…
00:21:14
Who did you sell the chair to?
00:21:17
Pasha, who had supernatural understanding,
00:21:20
realized at this point he was about to be beaten, if not kicked.
00:21:24
I'd never seen him before.
00:21:28
- Never? - No, honestly.
00:21:30
Oh, really?
00:21:32
I ought to bust you in the mouth,
00:21:35
only Zarathustra wouldn't allow it.
00:21:37
Get to hell out of here!
00:21:49
Excuse me…
00:21:54
What?!
00:21:56
Bribing officials in the course of their duty.
00:22:00
That comes under Article 114 of the Criminal Code.
00:22:03
For shame!
00:22:10
From the taiga to the seas of Britain
00:22:13
The Red Army is the strongest one.
00:22:17
The Red Army
00:22:19
holding their bayonets
00:22:21
with their rough hands...
00:22:29
Dispute: Does God exist? entrance fee – 10 kopeks A discount for godless ones
00:22:33
'Here is our answer...'
00:22:35
'Mademoiselle Fifi'
00:23:47
- Thief! - Excuse me!
00:24:02
- Excuse me! - Help!
00:24:06
- Holy Father! - Ippolit Matveevich!
00:24:10
So you're after my property? You of all people!
00:24:14
- It's not your property. - Whose then?
00:24:16
- It's was nationalized? - By whom?
00:24:18
- By the Soviet government. - Oh, really?
00:24:20
- Yes! - Then maybe
00:24:22
you're a Communist, Holy Father?
00:24:24
- Maybe I am! - Maybe you are…
00:25:00
Well, have you found anything?
00:25:04
You crook!
00:25:06
I'll break your neck, Father Fedor!
00:25:10
I'd like to see you!
00:25:15
The fate of the whole enterprise
00:25:17
was in the balance that cold, green evening.
00:25:19
If they could get hold of the orders
00:25:23
for Vorobyaninov's furniture, half the battle had been won.
00:25:27
I would like to have some of my dad's furniture
00:25:31
as a keepsake.
00:25:34
Can you tell me who was given the furniture
00:25:37
from dad's house?
00:25:40
That's difficult.
00:25:43
Only a well-to-do person could manage that.
00:25:46
'Is nearer one's heart', as Maupassant used to say.
00:25:49
- The information will be paid for. - 70 roubles.
00:25:51
I accept, dad. Cash on delivery.
00:25:54
- When shall I come? - Have you the money on you?
00:25:57
Then we can do it right now. Come this way, please.
00:26:04
- A full set of records at home! - A complete set.
00:26:07
We're living on top of a volcano, you know.
00:26:11
Anything can happen. Then people will rush off
00:26:12
to find their furniture, and where will it be?
00:26:16
It will be here.
00:26:18
And who will have preserved it? Korobeinikov!
00:26:21
So the gentlemen will thank me. And I don't need very much;
00:26:26
ten roubles an order will do me.
00:26:29
Here you are.
00:26:33
All your father's furniture.
00:26:36
You're an absolute hero of labour!
00:26:39
They ought to erect a monument to you.
00:26:41
Oh, come on.
00:26:43
- May I make out a receipt? - You may.
00:26:52
Perhaps you'd like Madame Popov's furniture?
00:26:56
It's very good and also made by Hambs.
00:26:59
- No, thank you. - As you wish.
00:27:03
Well, I won't burden you any more with my presence.
00:27:07
What about the money?
00:27:09
What money?
00:27:11
Did I hear you say something about money?
00:27:14
- Of course! For the orders! - Of course, chum...
00:27:23
I swear by my late father, I forgot to draw any from my current account.
00:27:28
Hush, you champion of the idea.
00:27:32
I'm telling you in plain Russian - tomorrow means tomorrow.
00:27:35
So long! Write to me!
00:27:38
Stop!
00:27:40
Never before had Bartholomew Korobeinikov
00:27:42
been so wretchedly deceived.
00:27:44
He could deceive anyone he liked,
00:27:46
But now he had been cheated at his own game,
00:27:50
a business from which he expected great profits and a secure old age.
00:27:55
I humbly apologize…
00:27:58
Where can I find citizen Korobeinikov?
00:28:02
- It’s me. - I came with a humble request.
00:28:06
I’m Ippolit Vorobyaninov’s brother…
00:28:09
- His own brother. - Aha.
00:28:12
Things are moving…
00:28:15
Yes, I do have an order
00:28:19
- for your dear brother’s suite. - Thank you very much.
00:28:22
100 roubles.
00:28:25
I'd like the money first.
00:28:32
- Can I pay in gold pieces? - It’s all right.
00:28:41
One moment…
00:28:45
Those evening bells.
00:28:49
I’ll palm off the orders belonging to General Popov's wife.
00:28:55
Here you go.
00:28:57
- All there together. - Yes, exactly.
00:29:01
Citizen Bruns, Vinogradnaya Street, 34.
00:29:06
All the chairs are there.
00:29:09
It's a splendid suite. It'll make you drool.
00:29:12
- Thank you very much. - It was my pleasure.
00:29:14
Watch your step…
00:29:17
What an idiot!
00:29:19
I forgot to tell you yesterday that I had to pay
00:29:22
70 roubles for the orders.
00:29:24
- How much? - 70.
00:29:26
Herewith the receipt.
00:29:28
Concessionaires, I hope, share the expenses on an equal footing?
00:29:33
- Of course. - Sling over 35 roubles.
00:29:35
The first order for 10 chairs
00:29:37
given away to the Museum of Furniture Art in Moscow.
00:29:40
The second order, for one chair, went to Madame Grits…
00:29:43
…Madame Gritsatsueva,
00:29:45
widow of the invalid of the Imperialistic War.
00:29:48
Stargorod, Plekhanov Street, 15.
00:29:51
- We’ll take care of the widow. - Yes, yes.
00:29:54
I have a hunch that the jewelry is in that very chair.
00:30:00
I’ll be waiting in the vestibule.
00:30:02
Oh, if only girls could fly,
00:30:05
Fly like birds in the sky.
00:30:07
Then oh then, day and night
00:30:09
I would admire
00:30:12
there flight!
00:30:14
- I would be happy like a tree… - Those evening bells.
00:30:33
Good morning, Father.
00:30:36
Good morning, Ippolit Matveevich.
00:30:39
I hope I didn't hurt you at our last meeting.
00:30:44
Not at all, it was very pleasant to see you.
00:30:49
I don't suppose you're holding divine services any more?
00:30:54
No, I don’t. The parishioners have all run off
00:30:57
- in search of treasure. - Their own treasure,
00:31:00
mark you. Their own!
00:31:03
I don't know whose it is, but only that they're looking for it.
00:31:14
The rival concern!
00:31:18
Buying old things, you holy jerk?
00:31:21
What do you want?
00:31:23
I want to sell you the ears of a dead donkey.
00:31:26
You, you buy old stuff and steal new stuff?
00:31:34
The enemy running for their lives…
00:31:37
You’re another fool!
00:31:39
What?
00:31:46
How much is opium for the people?
00:31:59
- Good afternoon. - Good afternoon.
00:32:07
Sanitary inspection.
00:32:11
- Doctor Michelson. - Glad to meet you.
00:32:14
- Konrad Karlovich. - Glad to meet you.
00:32:17
All right, let us see the premises.
00:32:19
Come this way, please.
00:32:24
But I tell you it was him -
00:32:27
without his moustache, but definitely him.
00:32:29
The other one with him was a fine-looking fellow.
00:32:32
- Obviously a former officer. - Why do you think he's here?
00:32:36
At any rate, not to sign a treaty with the Bolsheviks.
00:32:39
- Do you think he's in danger? - Who…
00:32:42
Who isn't in danger in Soviet Russia?
00:32:44
Moustaches, Elena Stanislavovna, are not shaved off for nothing.
00:32:48
...not staved for nothing...
00:32:51
Has he been sent from abroad?
00:32:54
- Definitely. - But what can be his purpose here?
00:32:57
Don't be childish!
00:32:59
Chrysanthemums
00:33:04
in autumn
00:33:07
have withered away.
00:33:12
But my love still in bloom..
00:33:15
Victor Mikhailovich, I must see him!
00:33:19
Do you know what you're risking?
00:33:22
I don't care. After ten years of separation
00:33:25
I cannot do otherwise than see Ippolit Matveevich
00:33:27
I beg you to find him.
00:33:31
I beg you to find him...
00:33:37
Somewhere in the jungle there are herds of bisons,
00:33:41
Over baobabs the sunset is like blood - dark red.
00:33:44
Somewhere in the jungle there lived a gloomy pirate
00:33:48
“I don’t believe in love”, he always said.
00:33:51
Once he was sailing home after a deadly battle,
00:33:55
in his ears still ringing the loud cannonade,
00:33:59
And a Creole girl waved to him from the shore
00:34:03
She was slim and brown like chocolate.
00:34:07
Love’s always sad,
00:34:10
Love’s always sad.
00:34:14
Where there is love
00:34:18
There is always someone’s blood to be shed…
00:34:22
And he turned his ship and he came ashore,
00:34:26
For the poor pirate his feelings couldn’t control,
00:34:29
For he fell in love, and he called her birdie,
00:34:33
Chirping on the branches of his soul.
00:34:37
But one night he saw her making love with a cowboy
00:34:41
on the beach. Poor pirate – he had loved in vain.
00:34:44
With one single bullet he killed the wretched lovers.
00:34:47
And all night he wandered like insane.
00:35:08
And the pirate’s eyes were full of tears,
00:35:12
For he knew he’ll love forever the Creole girl…
00:35:16
And he killed himself - just to make shut up
00:35:19
The birdie on the branches of his soul.
00:35:39
I swear by God, while you were singing that song,
00:35:41
I honestly felt something hard underneath me.
00:35:43
We must steal it during the night,
00:35:46
honestly, we must steal it!
00:35:49
For a marshal of the nobility your methods are too crude.
00:35:53
It's a scummy trick to rob a poor widow.
00:35:56
- But we must act quickly. - Only cats are born quickly.
00:36:00
So that we can rummage inside the chair,
00:36:02
- I'll marry her. - Why?
00:36:05
A passionate woman is a poet's dream.
00:36:07
- But you'll tie yourself down for life! - The things we do for the concession!
00:36:10
Good evening, Mr. Ippolit Matveevich!
00:36:13
- I don't think I know you. - What do you want from my friend?
00:36:16
Don't be alarmed. Elena Stanislavovna sent me.
00:36:20
- What! Is she here? - Yes.
00:36:23
And she wants to see you.
00:36:25
Do you know the woman?
00:36:29
Yes. An old friend.
00:36:31
Then we might go and have supper with your old friend.
00:36:33
I'm famished after that widow’s tea.
00:36:36
- We probably can. - Let's go, then.
00:36:38
Lead the way, mysterious stranger.
00:36:40
And don’t worry. Everything will be under the veil of secrecy.
00:36:44
- Secrecy? - Absolutely.
00:36:47
I know what you risk by coming here to see me.
00:36:50
I'm not going to ask you why you're here from Paris.
00:36:53
But I haven't come from Paris at all.
00:36:56
My colleague and I have come from Berlin,
00:36:58
but it's not advisable to talk about it too loudly.
00:37:05
They have a very strange custom in Berlin.
00:37:08
They eat so late that you can't tell
00:37:11
whether it's an early supper or a late lunch.
00:37:19
And now we must act, act, and act.
00:37:22
- The old woman is reliable, isn't she? - You bet!
00:37:24
- What's your political credo? - Always!
00:37:27
Russia will not forget you!
00:37:31
Oh, Madame... Strict secrecy. A state secret.
00:37:36
Who do you think this powerful old man is?
00:37:40
Don't say that you know.
00:37:43
He's the master-mind, the father of Russian democracy
00:37:46
and a person close to the emperor.
00:37:52
Are there many of us in the town? The sentiments?
00:37:54
- Given the absence of… - Good!
00:37:57
With your help we'll contact the best people in the town
00:38:00
who have been forced underground by a cruel fate.
00:38:02
Who can we ask to come here?
00:38:08
Charushnikov, a former Tsarist town councillor.
00:38:15
- Which regiment were you in? - I...
00:38:18
wasn't, so to speak, in any.
00:38:20
- Are you from the nobility? - Yes, I was.
00:38:22
I hope you still are. Stand firm!
00:38:25
We will be helped from abroad.
00:38:28
The organization is strictly secret. Attention, please...
00:38:35
Stand firm! The West will help us.
00:38:41
Are you members of the upper class? Very good.
00:38:44
The West will help us. Stand firm.
00:38:46
Contributions - I mean the organization - will be strictly secret.
00:38:49
An alliance!
00:38:51
The secret Alliance of the Sword and Ploughshare.
00:38:54
Attention, please!
00:38:59
Chairman of the Odessa Roll Bakery of the Moscow Bun Artel
00:39:03
- Mr. Kislyarsky. - Pleased to meet you.
00:39:06
Thank you, sir.
00:39:09
Gentlemen…
00:39:14
- Which regiment were you in? - I didn’t serve.
00:39:17
- Are you a nobleman? - Yes.
00:39:19
- No. - Yes or no?
00:39:21
I don’t know. Whatever would please you.
00:39:24
As a representative of private enterprise,
00:39:26
you cannot ignore the cries of the people.
00:39:28
- Yes, I cannot. - Stand firm.
00:39:30
- I will. - Do you know who is sitting there?
00:39:33
If I’m not mistaken, it’s
00:39:36
- Pussy Vorobyaninov. - Pussy?
00:39:39
- Yes. - He is no Pussy.
00:39:41
- He is the master-mind. - Who? Pussy?
00:39:44
He is the father of Russian democracy
00:39:46
and a person close to the emperor.
00:39:48
Alliance of the Sword and Ploughshare.
00:39:50
- Oh, my Jesus! - You can leave.
00:39:53
- I think I’d better leave. - But I warn you,
00:39:56
- we have a long reach. - Then I’d better stay.
00:40:06
Stand firm.
00:40:10
All right.
00:40:14
Citizens, I am not going to talk about the aim of our gathering -
00:40:18
you all know it. Our aim is sacred.
00:40:22
From every corner of our huge country people are calling for help.
00:40:27
Some of you have work and eat bread and butter.
00:40:32
Some eat sandwiches with black caviar,
00:40:35
and some even - with red caviar.
00:40:37
Some of you even have privilege ration.
00:40:39
It is only the young waifs who are not looked after.
00:40:43
We must help them, gentlemen of the jury,
00:40:46
and, gentlemen of the jury, we will do so.
00:40:49
Let us remember that children are the flowers of life.
00:40:54
I now invite you to make your contributions and help the children,
00:40:59
the children alone and no one else.
00:41:02
Do you understand me?
00:41:04
Please make your contributions. in order of seniority.
00:41:07
We'll begin with dear Maxim Petrovich.
00:41:11
In better times I'd give more.
00:41:16
Better times will soon be coming.
00:41:18
Anyway, that has nothing to do with the children
00:41:21
who I am at present representing.
00:42:09
500 roubles all in all.
00:42:11
Gentlemen! The children will never forget this gesture of yours.
00:42:15
You will be given special notice of the date of our next meeting.
00:42:19
Leave by ones.
00:42:23
- It's strictly secret. - Gotcha.
00:42:25
The children business should be kept secret.
00:42:27
It's also in your own interests.
00:42:32
Never surrender alive.
00:43:34
Kiss the bride!
00:43:56
Kiss the bride!
00:44:13
What’s wrong with you, Comrade Bender?
00:44:19
Your cockerel is all right, my little hen.
00:44:22
Cockerel!
00:44:33
Give it back to me, don’t be crazy.
00:44:36
Are you coming, Comrade Bender?
00:44:40
I’m coming, oh my little hen.
00:44:46
Go back to the guests. Your cockerel will join you in a moment.
00:44:53
There is nothing here.
00:45:13
No-thing!
00:45:16
You can’t behave yourself in a polite society.
00:45:20
You ruined my family life!
00:45:25
Where are you, Comrade Bender?
00:45:29
The window…
00:45:32
I’m coming!...
00:45:35
Coming!
00:45:37
I’m flying to you on the wings of love!
00:45:47
Wait a minute now, where is Father Fedor?
00:45:50
Where is that treasure-seeker and sworn enemy of Vorobyaninov?
00:45:55
Greedy is Father Fedor.
00:45:57
He wants to be rich.
00:46:00
He is chasing round Russia in search of the furniture
00:46:04
belonging to General Popov's wife,
00:46:07
which does not contain a darn thing, to tell the truth.
00:46:09
He is on his way through Russia. And all he does is write letters to his wife:
00:46:13
Dear Katya.
00:46:15
My trip turned out to be not so short.
00:46:18
Engineer Bruns who has that suite
00:46:21
has moved from Stargorod to Kharkov,
00:46:25
and then to Rostov, where I’m going now.
00:46:29
So, arm yourself with patience,
00:46:32
and, after a prayer, sell my old cassock
00:46:35
and some furniture - to your own discr…
00:46:40
Discr…
00:46:41
…discretion.
00:46:45
Yes! I forgot to tell you about a terrible thing that befell me.
00:46:49
When the train was pulling off from Kharkov,
00:46:52
I stood at the window admiring the Little Russian nature.
00:46:56
Suddenly a wind came up and blew my cap away…
00:46:59
The concessionaires arrived to Moscow
00:47:03
at eleven in the morning.
00:47:07
- Where are we going, by the way? - To visit nice people.
00:47:10
I have many friends here.
00:47:12
This way, marshal…
00:47:15
It was a famous university hostel named after the monk
00:47:18
Brother Berthold Schwartz.
00:47:21
At first only chemistry students lived here,
00:47:23
but now it had formed something
00:47:26
between a housing co-operative and a feudal settlement.
00:47:33
Are you there, Kolya?
00:47:35
That fool's guests have arrived too early again!
00:47:38
It's the militia.
00:47:40
Let a fellow sleep, can't you!
00:47:44
Yes, come in!
00:47:51
Oh, hi!
00:47:53
Come on in.
00:47:55
- I got married. Meet Liza. - Pleased to meet you.
00:47:58
Kolya, can I have a word with you?
00:48:01
A splendid morning, madam.
00:48:03
I wouldn’t say so!
00:48:06
They’re calling from the far room.
00:48:09
The hearing is like this here.
00:48:13
I’ll give you the key from Ivanopulo’s room.
00:48:16
He has left for 6 months. So, feel at home.
00:48:20
A good variant.
00:48:22
A key from the apartment where there is money.
00:48:26
- Good bye! - Good bye!
00:48:28
Come and visit us.
00:48:30
- There they go inviting people again! - They eat at the vegetarian canteen!
00:48:34
Can a fellow have a moment of sleep?
00:48:57
I wonder what that medical student did with the mattress.
00:49:01
He should better have sold this skeleton.
00:49:03
Where are you, marshal? Come on in.
00:49:23
But where are we going to sleep?
00:49:26
We’ll settle with comfort.
00:49:43
Don’t pay attention. It is Ivanopulo’s property.
00:49:48
So, we’ll have a wink of a sleep and then will go to the Furniture Museum.
00:49:53
By the way, here is your share,
00:49:56
mister person close to the emperor.
00:49:59
200 roubles.
00:50:03
No need to count,
00:50:05
you're not in the Church where everyone's cheating.
00:50:08
A souvenir.
00:50:10
I took it from Madam Gritsatsueva, for keepsake.
00:50:13
What an exotic woman - a poet’s dream.
00:50:20
I…
00:50:25
I…
00:50:40
I won’t go to that vegetarian canteen anymore.
00:50:43
Enough of that mock rabbit made from carrots, or pea sausages.
00:50:47
So you prefer poor animal's meat to a vegetarian die-it?
00:50:51
- It's diet. - Diet.
00:50:52
- So, it's meat? - Yes.
00:50:55
Kolya realized for the first time in three months of married life
00:50:59
that his beloved liked sausages of carrots, potatoes, and peas
00:51:03
less than he did.
00:51:06
But - meat!
00:51:09
Meat would make an enormous hole in his budget.
00:51:13
My dear girl,
00:51:16
- All diseases stern from meat. - So what!
00:51:19
If you eat too much meat, you'll be unable to resist infection.
00:51:23
Let it!
00:51:25
“Happy families are all alike;
00:51:29
every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
00:51:33
Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, Part 1.
00:51:36
- Leo Tolstoy didn't eat meat either. - Not when he wrote War and Peace.
00:51:41
- Or Anna Karenina as well - He stuffed himself with meat!
00:51:45
Don’t interfere into our family life!
00:51:47
Anyway, why do you keep nagging me about your Tolstoy?
00:51:49
Me nagging you?
00:51:51
Nagging you about Tolstoy?
00:51:54
Where are you going?
00:51:58
Leave me alone. Farewell, you loser.
00:52:01
Liza!
00:52:03
- She's gone to drown herself! - No, she’ll buy meat!
00:52:07
Liza, come back!
00:52:16
Will you guys shut up!
00:52:21
All right, what do you see before you?
00:52:24
- A bed. - Right. A bed.
00:52:26
Or, rather, a piece of furniture. What does it bespeak?
00:52:29
It bespeaks immense fortune which was not earned
00:52:33
but which was owned by the corrupt aristocracy!
00:52:36
Young lady, no touching the furniture in the museum.
00:52:40
- I’m sorry. - You should know the rules.
00:52:43
Only deformed imagination of the decaying classes
00:52:46
could create this bulky furniture,
00:52:51
let alone the fact there is nothing
00:52:54
common people can do on such so-to-say beds.
00:52:58
It’s not funny.
00:53:00
- May I come closer? - Yes. Only don’t touch it.
00:53:07
Oh my God, oh my God.
00:53:10
- Keep calm, Michelson. - Oh, my God -
00:53:13
this is the last room, and there are no chairs.
00:53:16
Marshal, you positively need treatment by electricity.
00:53:20
A chair isn't a needle in a haystack. We'll find it.
00:53:23
- These ones? - No.
00:53:25
All right. Wait here.
00:53:27
Comrade Bender.
00:53:33
- What are you doing here? - Just came here on a blind chance.
00:53:36
- I quarreled with my husband. - Oh, really?
00:53:39
I’ll be back in a mo.
00:53:44
So…
00:53:47
- Elizaveta… - Petrovna.
00:53:49
- Pleased to meet you. - Ippolit Matveevich.
00:53:52
Glad to meet you.
00:53:54
- What? - Take a seat.
00:53:57
Thank you very much.
00:54:02
Well, you know…
00:54:08
Ahem…
00:54:11
- Now it’s spring in Paris. - Have you been in Paris?
00:54:14
- On many occasions. - Are you a scientist?
00:54:18
Yes, to a certain extent.
00:54:21
And how old are you, if it's not an indiscreet question?
00:54:25
That has nothing to do with the science
00:54:28
which I am at present representing.
00:54:32
But, anyway - thirty,
00:54:35
forty,
00:54:37
- fifty? - Almost.
00:54:41
Thirty-eight.
00:54:43
- You don’t say so! - Yes, yes.
00:54:45
Oh! You look much younger.
00:54:48
You’re flattering me, you little mischievous girl.
00:54:52
How do you explain the fact that the furniture sent to your museum
00:54:55
- from Stargorod isn't here? - What do you mean?
00:55:00
What did you say?
00:55:02
When will you give me the pleasure of seeing you again?
00:55:06
And where has comrade Bender disappeared?
00:55:09
Forget about Bender. Is today all right?
00:55:11
- Today? - Please!
00:55:13
- Today, if you like. Come and see us. - No, let's meet outside.
00:55:17
The weather's so wonderful at present.
00:55:20
It's mischievous May, it's magical May,
00:55:23
- who is waving his fan of freshness! - Mayakovsky’s poem?
00:55:26
I think so. Today, then?
00:55:28
- How strange you are. - Thank you.
00:55:32
I'm sorry, but we have to go somewhere urgently.
00:55:36
- I’m sorry. - I’m sorry, too.
00:55:39
Good-bye, Elizaveta Petrovna!
00:55:43
See you in the evening!
00:55:47
- What happened! - Coacher!
00:55:50
- Coacher! - Coacher!
00:55:53
Whoah!
00:55:59
To the auction!
00:56:13
My God, my God…
00:56:16
They're the ones.
00:56:19
Silence!
00:56:21
Excuse me, can I buy these chairs?
00:56:24
Come tomorrow. The auction has finished for today.
00:56:28
Thank you.
00:56:30
You may consider the chairs are in our pocket.
00:56:33
You should pray to me!
00:56:34
There will be wine and women and playing cards for you!
00:56:39
Vorobyaninov had 200 roubles on him.
00:56:44
The ex social lion
00:56:46
was ready to dazzle Liza with the scale of his entertaining.
00:56:57
This way, please.
00:57:19
- Excuse me!.. - One minute, sir.
00:57:24
- Excuse me!.. - In a moment.
00:57:31
Exc…
00:57:35
We want to order something. Yes, yes!
00:57:38
This table was reserved - please move to another one.
00:57:46
I beg your pardon.
00:57:49
It’s a table for foreigners.
00:58:12
Indeed!
00:58:14
Veal cutlets are 2.25.
00:58:17
a fillet is 2.25,
00:58:20
and vodka is...
00:58:22
Indeed!
00:58:24
We are a premium-class restaurant.
00:58:27
- Would you like to… - I'm not at all hungry.
00:58:30
Or wait, comrade,
00:58:34
have you anything vegetarian?
00:58:38
We don't serve vegetarian dishes.
00:58:41
All right, then bring us some sausages. These at 1.20 each.
00:58:47
And a bottle of vodka.
00:58:50
What will you have with the vodka? Fresh caviar? Smoked salmon?
00:58:54
Nothing.
00:58:57
- How much are the salted gherkins? - 5 kopeks each.
00:59:01
All right,
00:59:03
let us have two.
00:59:14
I've never been here before. It's very nice.
00:59:17
Ye-es.
00:59:25
Here you go.
00:59:30
Thank you very much.
00:59:39
Would you like some flowers?
00:59:46
For your lady!
01:00:10
- Bravo! - I'm going. You stay.
01:00:13
As a member of the upper class I cannot allow that.
01:00:22
For you!..
01:00:32
What? Please don't...
01:00:35
Don't!
01:00:37
Don't!
01:00:39
Let's go to a hotel!
01:00:49
Waiter! A bottle of champagne!
01:00:56
Boors!
01:01:03
Bring the champagne!
01:01:05
A figure depicting Justice!
01:01:09
Made of bronze.
01:01:11
Vasily, hold up the Justice.
01:01:14
5 roubles.
01:01:16
- Who'll bid more? - Six!
01:01:18
- 6 roubles in front. - Six and a half.
01:01:22
They would be all astir
01:01:25
should they know what is hidden in these chairs.
01:01:30
9 roubles - one!
01:01:34
9 roubles - two!
01:01:38
9 roubles - three!
01:01:42
The Justice is sold!
01:01:44
Lady in the six row on the left, please pay up.
01:01:49
Ten chairs from a palace.
01:01:53
- Why from a palace? - Listen and stop fooling!
01:01:56
- 80 roubles! - Ninety!
01:02:00
One hundred!
01:02:01
One hundred and five!
01:02:03
One hundred and ten!
01:02:05
Why don't you bid?
01:02:08
Get out!
01:02:10
One hundred and twenty!
01:02:12
- 125! - 130!
01:02:16
145!
01:02:19
A hundred and forty-five, fifth row on the right.
01:02:22
Going!
01:02:24
145, going for the second time!
01:02:27
145, going for the third time!
01:02:31
200!
01:02:35
Going!
01:02:39
200, going for the second time!
01:02:44
200,
01:02:46
going for the third time! Sold!
01:02:49
- Mama! - Well, chairman, was that effective?
01:02:53
Oh, yes!
01:02:55
- Was it you who bought the chairs? - Yes, us!
01:02:58
- When can we have them? - Now if you like.
01:04:19
Pay up 230 roubles.
01:04:21
Why 230 and not 200?
01:04:24
15 per cent commission is included.
01:04:26
Well, I suppose that's all right. Here you are.
01:04:29
I have 200. Let me have 30 roubles, pal,
01:04:32
and make it snappy. Can’t you see the young lady's waiting?
01:04:37
Well?
01:04:41
- I don't have the money. - And the 200 roubles?
01:04:46
I...
01:04:50
I... lost it.
01:04:52
Give me the money, you old bastard!
01:04:54
Well, are you going to pay?
01:04:56
One moment, there's been a slight hitch.
01:04:59
Why the commission? We don't know anything about that.
01:05:03
You should have warned us. I refuse to pay the 30 roubles.
01:05:07
Very well, I'll see to that.
01:05:15
In accordance with auctioneering regulations,
01:05:20
persons refusing to pay the full sum of money for items purchased
01:05:25
must leave the hall.
01:05:28
Please leave!
01:05:31
The effect was terrific.
01:05:34
The smooth operator had not suffered such a blow for a long time.
01:05:46
An outrageous system.
01:05:48
We should complain to the militia!
01:05:52
It's the hell of a thing.
01:05:55
Making the working people pay through the nose.
01:06:00
230 roubles for ten old chairs.
01:06:05
It's mad!
01:06:08
- Yes. - Isn't it?
01:06:10
- It’s real mad. - It is.
01:06:18
That's for the militia.
01:06:21
That's for the high price of chairs.
01:06:24
That's for going after girls at night.
01:06:27
That's for being a dirty old man.
01:06:31
Now get out of here!
01:06:47
- That's done it. - What has?
01:06:49
They're selling the chairs separately, that's what.
01:06:52
Admire what you have done!
01:06:55
What are they saying?
01:07:16
Let’s go, Kid!
01:07:27
Be careful, Gavrila.
01:07:30
You go to the 2nd floor.
01:07:44
- So? - A gorgeous gal.
01:07:47
She brought the chairs to Varsalovsky Alley 17, apartment 17.
01:07:52
Take one rouble.
01:07:57
Gimme more, uncle.
01:08:00
The ears of a dead donkey. Get them from Pushkin.
01:08:04
On your way, defective one.
01:08:06
Gimme more, uncle…
01:08:14
So, we know the whereabouts of nine chairs.
01:08:17
- There is still a hope. - Yes. We shouldn’t lose hope.
01:08:24
The only trouble is the tenth chair.
01:08:27
I'll stake nine to one.
01:08:30
Well, that’s a good combination.
01:08:35
The hearing is continued.
01:08:37
Listen, you, Don Juan,
01:08:40
the chairs should be struck while the iron is hot.
01:08:44
We should act boldly. Be more cynical -
01:08:47
people like it.
01:08:49
But we shouldn't do anything criminal.
01:08:52
We've got to keep
01:08:57
on the right side of the law.
01:09:14
William Shakespeare's vocabulary
01:09:16
has been estimated at 12 thousand words.
01:09:19
The vocabulary of a Negro from the Mumbo Jumbo tribe
01:09:22
amounts to 300 words.
01:09:24
Ellochka Schukina managed easily and fluently on thirty.
01:09:39
Ho-ho!
01:09:41
By ho-ho! Ellochka could express all kind of things.
01:09:45
In this particular case she meant the following:
01:09:48
“I swear by my honor, I can make a gorgeous gown
01:09:51
from this shirt of my husband - not even worse
01:09:54
than that snooty American girl has!
01:09:56
Men will tremble when they see me like this.
01:09:59
They will follow me to the edge of the world,
01:10:02
hiccupping with love. But I shall be cold.”
01:10:33
Ho-ho!
01:10:36
Cool!
01:10:39
Hello, Elena dear.
01:10:42
Yo, Kid.
01:10:51
What's this?
01:10:53
- Where did the chairs come from? - Ho-ho!
01:10:57
Translated as: “Aren’t these chairs cute?
01:11:00
You must admit your wife has an exquisite taste.”
01:11:03
Yes, they're nice chairs.
01:11:06
- A present from someone? - Oho!
01:11:09
“Don’t be naive - who would make me such a present?”
01:11:12
What? Do you mean you bought them?
01:11:14
- What the hell! - Ha-ha!
01:11:17
- “You're being vulgar!" - But it's outrageous!
01:11:20
You're living beyond your means.
01:11:23
- Don't tell me how to live! - No, let's have a serious talk.
01:11:26
- I earn 200 rubles. - Gloom!
01:11:29
I don't take bribes, don't steal money, and don't know how to counterfeit it.
01:11:40
We can't go on like this. We will have to get a divorce.
01:11:44
Super!
01:11:47
And where did you get that idiotic jargon from?
01:11:51
Don't tell me how to live!
01:11:53
No, this is absolutely intolerable.
01:11:55
Let's get divorced peaceably. You'll have this room.
01:11:59
You'll get 100 roubles a month.
01:12:01
Even 120. Live how you like,
01:12:04
- I can't go on this way. - Great!
01:12:07
I'll move in with Ivan Alexeevich. He's away for summer.
01:12:10
- Ter-r-rific! - Only there's no furniture.
01:12:13
I'll have the desk, and take this chair.
01:12:18
- I think I have the right to, don't I? - Cool!
01:12:47
Oho?
01:12:52
On business.
01:12:56
A beautiful fur!
01:12:59
Ho-ho. It's Mexican jerboa.
01:13:02
It can't be. They made a mistake
01:13:05
You were given a much better fur.
01:13:07
It's Shanghai leopard.
01:13:09
Yes, leopard. I recognize it by the shade.
01:13:12
- You see how it reflects the sun. - You're the right kind of kid.
01:13:15
You're surprised, of course, by this early visit from a stranger.
01:13:20
Ho-ho!
01:13:32
- But I've come on a delicate matter. - Aha.
01:13:36
You were at the auction yesterday
01:13:38
and made a remarkable impression on me.
01:13:42
- Super! - You bought the chairs.
01:13:45
Only with your female intuition
01:13:48
could have chosen such an artistic object.
01:13:51
Darling, darling.
01:13:53
Sell me the chairs, dear lady.
01:13:56
- Ho-ho! - 12 roubles.
01:13:58
You're being vulgar, kid!
01:14:06
In Europe now and in the best homes in Philadelphia
01:14:10
it's fashionable to pour tea through a strainer.
01:14:13
It's remarkably effective and elegant.
01:14:16
A diplomat I know has just arrived back from Vienna
01:14:18
- and brought me one as a present. - Ho-ho!
01:14:23
Ho-ho! Oho!
01:14:25
Let's make an exchange.
01:14:27
You give me the chairs and I'll give you the tea-strainer.
01:14:30
Cool!
01:14:31
Kindly give me the second chair.
01:14:34
Ho-ho.
01:14:37
Ho-ho what? Where is the second chair?
01:14:40
We are free words, let’s fly
01:14:46
To a white mountain reaching the sky…
01:14:52
To the far sea with an endless beach,
01:14:59
To where ev…
01:15:43
Caretaker!
01:15:49
Caretaker!
01:15:56
Caretaker!
01:16:34
The situation was awful.
01:16:38
A full-grown man with a moustache
01:16:41
and higher education
01:16:43
was standing naked on a ninth-floor landing
01:16:47
in the centre of Moscow. There was nowhere he could go.
01:16:50
He would rather have gone to jail
01:16:52
than show himself in that state.
01:16:54
There was only one thing to do - hide.
01:16:57
End of Part One
01:17:00
12 CHAIRS
01:17:02
PART TWO The hearing is continued
01:17:14
The House of the Peoples was in turmoil.
01:17:17
Poet Nikifor Lapis Trubetskoi
01:17:20
was completely at home here
01:17:22
and knew the quickest ways to the oases
01:17:25
where royalties gushed from clear springs
01:17:27
"Pharmaceutical magazine Hygroscopic Herald"
01:17:29
in the broad-leafed shade of specialized magazines.
01:17:33
- Good morning. - Ah, Nikifor!
01:17:36
- Hi. - Hi.
01:17:38
I've written a marvelous poem.
01:17:41
What about? Ours is a medical magazine, as you know.
01:17:45
I took it into account.
01:17:48
The Ballad of the Gangrene.
01:17:50
That's interesting.
01:17:52
It's about time we introduced prophylaxis in popular form.
01:18:00
So, The Ballad of Gangrene.
01:18:04
Gavrila took to bed with gangrene.
01:18:07
The gangrene made Gavrila sick.
01:18:11
Problematic magazine "Bride and Groom"
01:18:14
Ballad of Unfaithfulness.
01:18:15
Gavrila was an unfaithful husband -
01:18:18
He was unfaithful to his wives!
01:18:20
What do you think about the beginning?
01:18:22
Well, it's good, but not quite good.
01:18:28
Ours is a magazine for young people,
01:18:30
and you're describing an unreal situation.
01:18:35
It's anti-pedagogical.
01:18:37
Where did you see unfaithful husbands?
01:18:42
I have never seen an unfaithful husband.
01:18:46
Also it's our Soviet husbands, our Soviet wives.
01:18:50
Yes, it's not a typical case.
01:18:53
Right you are, I think you are right.
01:18:55
I have another variant:
01:18:58
Gavrila was an exemplary husband,
01:19:01
Gavrila was faithful to all his wives.
01:19:04
There you are. That's a lot better
01:19:07
and a lot more actual.
01:19:11
Satirical magazine 'Pimento'
01:19:14
Ballad of the Migraine:
01:19:17
Gavrila was a bureaucrat,
01:19:22
Oh, yes, a bureaucrat he was.
01:19:26
Cinematographic magazine 'The Bleak Screen'
01:19:29
The Ballad of Nonsense
01:19:31
Gavrila was a fireman -
01:19:34
He was allowed to make a film.
01:19:50
Is it you splashing water about? What a place to take a bath.
01:19:54
You must be crazy!
01:19:57
Instead of crying, you ought to go to the bathroom.
01:20:00
Just look at yourself. You look like a picador.
01:20:03
- The key... - What key?
01:20:05
- Of the ap-ap-apartment. - Where the money is?
01:20:12
- So you are engineer Schukin? - Ye-yes.
01:20:16
- So you can't get into the apartment. - Ye-yes.
01:20:20
But it's so simple.
01:20:29
You absolutely saved my life!
01:20:31
You know, I almost went crazy.
01:20:34
You seemed to be getting on that way.
01:20:37
- But I came on business. - I'll be pleased to help you.
01:20:40
Grand merci!
01:20:43
It's a piddling matter. Your wife
01:20:45
asked me to stop by and collect this chair.
01:20:47
Certainly.
01:20:50
Here.
01:20:54
Thank you very much!
01:21:20
He killed him...
01:21:24
Will you excuse me...
01:21:27
I'm a reporter. What happened?
01:21:29
Write down: Knocked down by a horse.
01:21:34
Hello, is that Pimento's editorial office?
01:21:37
It's Nikifor Trubetskoi speaking.
01:21:39
Comrade Parizhansky, can I get my royalties today?
01:21:43
I'm badly in need of money.
01:21:46
The bailiff made an inventory of all my furniture.
01:21:49
Yes, and they might take it away.
01:21:51
So what I didn't return the advance payment. What?
01:22:08
Excuse me, I'm looking
01:22:10
for Nikifor Lapis-Trubetskoi.
01:22:37
You have no right to take away my furniture! Outrageous!
01:22:41
And you had no right to make an inventory.
01:22:44
It's not a piece of luxury - it's my instrument!
01:22:47
My sitting and writing instrument! Outrageous!
01:22:51
I will return the debt. In a week.
01:22:54
Put that chair down!
01:22:56
I'm sorry,
01:22:59
there's been a misunderstanding.
01:23:02
It often happens in this kind of work!
01:23:05
Bureaucrats! Get out!
01:23:08
How many times have I told you it's a sin to steal.
01:23:12
For a master-mind, father of Russian democracy,
01:23:15
and a person close to the emperor, you've the character of a petty criminal.
01:23:20
Remember: should you get into prison,
01:23:23
forget about me bringing things to you.
01:23:25
After all, you're not my mother, sister, or lover.
01:23:30
Darling, there is not a thing I can't do for you.
01:23:34
I remember the day you came out of the blue.
01:23:38
There you stood before me, graceful so and refined -
01:23:43
And imme-diately I lost my peace of mind.
01:23:52
Ingenious!
01:23:54
- Come in. - Is this Trubetskoi's apartment?
01:23:57
Yes, I'm Lapis Trubetskoi.
01:23:59
So, it's you? Tut-tut, comrade.
01:24:02
You turned away the courier on duty.
01:24:06
- What courier? - You know whom I mean.
01:24:08
Lady, kindly get up from this chair.
01:24:11
Keep sitting. They have no right to do so.
01:24:13
In your place I wouldn't talk about rights.
01:24:16
- Give away this piece of furniture. - You won't dare.
01:24:19
Showing resistance to an official on duty -
01:24:22
Chapter 215 of the Criminal Code. Lady, you'll stand witness.
01:24:25
- What's your name? - She is my wife.
01:24:29
False evidence - Chapter 321 of the Criminal Code.
01:24:37
Either you get up, or he'll end up in prison.
01:24:42
At last.
01:24:45
Don't start a conflict. You should observe the law.
01:24:50
- I'm estranging your chair. - No, you're not.
01:24:52
No, I am! Good luck!
01:24:59
Bureaucrat!
01:25:13
Fine. Every chair tore open increases our chances.
01:25:17
Today I'll take care of the publishing aspect.
01:25:21
'Tool' Daily, in The House of Peoples.
01:25:24
The buzz in The House of Peoples today could be only compared
01:25:27
to that very moment at a horse market
01:25:30
when everyone is running after a pickpocket.
01:25:42
Where is The Tool magazine?
01:25:57
- Good afternoon. - How can I help you?
01:25:59
This article...
01:26:01
Citizen O. Bender was knocked down yesterday
01:26:04
on Semenovskaya Square by horse-cab.
01:26:07
The victim was unhurt except for slight shock.
01:26:10
- So? - The address.
01:26:12
- Whose address? - Bender's address,
01:26:15
of a gentleman wearing yellow shoes.
01:26:27
TIME IS MONEY
01:26:44
Comrade Bender!
01:26:48
Comrade Bender!
01:26:50
Comrade Bender!
01:26:52
My dear squirrel! My sweet cockerel!
01:28:58
'Editor'
01:29:35
The chances are increasing,
01:29:38
but still there are no diamonds.
01:30:00
Farewell, darling!..
01:30:16
Oh, mister marshal...
01:30:18
What did you find out about Columbus Theatre?
01:30:20
The situation is highly unfavorable.
01:30:23
What? Report the situation then.
01:30:26
Today is the end of the season.
01:30:30
The theatre is leaving on a tour tomorrow.
01:30:34
Oh, damn!
01:30:36
The chairs are crawling away like cockroaches.
01:30:39
Four chairs are leaving.
01:30:41
One chair stays somewhere in the city.
01:30:45
Out of two hares we should choose the fattest one.
01:30:49
Yes, indeed.
01:30:50
Well, let's go the theatre.
01:30:54
I have called you together, gentlemen,
01:30:57
to tell you an unpleasant piece of news.
01:31:03
An Inspector-General is coming.
01:31:06
- What, an Inspector-General? - What, an Inspector-General?
01:31:09
Yes, an Inspector from St. Petersburg,
01:31:13
incognito.
01:31:15
And with secret instructions, too.
01:31:18
A pretty how-do-you-do!
01:31:21
As if we hadn't enough trouble without an Inspector.
01:31:27
INSPECTOR-GENERAL
01:31:29
Text - by N. Gogol Dialogues - by Galkin, Remarks - by Palkin
01:31:33
Lyrics - by Malkin, Choreography - by Chalkin Interludes - by Zalkind
01:31:37
Staged by Nik. Sestrin
01:31:58
The sounds of fragile cane
01:32:00
could be heard in the darkness.
01:32:03
- Two lovers... - 'The cane rustles, the trees bent'.
01:32:38
What a wonderful idea.
01:32:41
The song itself seems to have nothing to do with all this,
01:32:44
but - what a deep sense!
01:32:47
A real deep talent.
01:33:21
So, I gathered you, gentlemen,
01:33:26
to tell you a most unpleasant piece of news.
01:33:32
An Inspector-General is coming.
01:33:35
We can see our chairs, the inspector is on his way,
01:33:37
so we can leave.
01:33:41
Charge!
01:33:44
- Down with them! - Down with the governor!
01:33:48
Shame upon Lyapkin-Tyapkin!
01:33:51
- Take your hands off me! - Freedom to private capital!
01:33:55
An ingenuous idea!
01:33:58
The restless intelligentsia among the populace.
01:34:02
What a deep insight...
01:34:04
Long live the merchants!
01:34:07
Down with bribes!
01:34:18
What a wonderful symbol -
01:34:21
alienation from the people and fiasco.
01:34:34
Dear Katya,
01:34:36
it was quite timely that I received the money
01:34:39
that you have sent me. Thank you.
01:34:44
I didn't find engineer Bruns in Rostov -
01:34:48
he was bought over to work in Baku,
01:34:50
so this is where I'm intending to leave now.
01:34:53
Don't be sad, we'll have
01:34:55
to wait but a little more,
01:34:58
and, God grant it, we'll settle in Samara soon
01:35:01
and we'll buy a candle factory.
01:35:05
Our own...
01:35:17
They have already loaded the chair.
01:35:19
The ship doesn't take on passengers. It's a special voyage.
01:35:22
- What? - See that sign?
01:35:24
The ship was rented by a lottery operator.
01:35:28
They are going to sell bonds along the route.
01:35:30
- Where does theatre come in? - Can't you see?
01:35:33
The theatre will propagate this idea
01:35:35
in a form appealing to the populace.
01:35:37
But we are neither the theatre nor the lottery committee.
01:35:40
What do we do then?
01:35:48
One moment!
01:35:57
Forward!
01:36:24
- I'm telling you: he fell ill. - Why didn't you warn me beforehand?
01:36:27
- You'll have a personal cabin. - The artist fell ill all of a sudden.
01:36:31
Outrageous! Go and bring another one.
01:36:35
You will have a separate cabin.
01:36:38
- The ship is leaving in minutes. - Then you'll draw by yourself.
01:36:41
- I can't draw! - It's not my problem.
01:36:43
A separate suite for you is waiting.
01:36:47
- Your ticket! - Hey, you, goggle-eyed,
01:36:49
the one who needs an artist! Yes, I'm talking to you!
01:36:54
- What? - And you can come along with us now?
01:36:57
- Right now? - Yes.
01:36:59
That will be difficult, but I'll try.
01:37:02
- Your terms? - It's piecework, at union rates.
01:37:06
- Oh, no. - But free meals and a separate cabin.
01:37:10
All right, I accept. But I have a boy with me.
01:37:13
- What boy? - An assistant.
01:37:15
- There are no funds for a boy. - Well, in this case...
01:37:18
He can live in your cabin, at your own expense.
01:37:22
- The key. - They key?
01:37:25
- From an apartment with money? - I beg your pardon?
01:37:28
I said - the kid is smart. He's used to Spartan conditions.
01:37:31
Here.
01:37:42
What are you standing there like a coy suitor for?
01:37:46
Let this citizen aboard. Here's his pass.
01:38:02
- It this your boy? - That's the one.
01:38:06
If anyone says he's a girl, I'm a Dutchman!
01:38:41
Stand here. If anyone comes, sing louder.
01:38:44
- What shall I sing? - Anything but 'God Save the Tsar'.
01:38:47
I see.
01:38:51
Dear comrades!
01:38:55
I announce the beginning of our rally!
01:39:08
Plume in the summerwind
01:39:10
Waywardly playing
01:39:13
Ne'er one way swaying Each whim obeying
01:39:18
Yet all felicity
01:39:20
Is her bestowing
01:39:23
No joy worth knowing
01:39:26
Is there but wooing.
01:39:31
Yes, heart of woman
01:39:35
Ev'ry way bendeth
01:39:38
Woe who de...
01:39:41
dependeth
01:39:46
On joy I spend!
01:39:58
- We'll do it at night. - Gotcha.
01:40:22
I got it!
01:40:25
Give it to me!
01:40:31
With this chair Craftsman Hambs begins
01:40:33
a new batch of furniture St. Petersburg 1865
01:40:37
But where are the jewels?
01:40:39
You're remarkably shrewd, my dear chair-hunter.
01:40:42
As you see, there aren't any.
01:40:46
Shut up, sadness!
01:40:48
Stop slapping yourself with your ears so sadly.
01:40:51
Some day we'll have the laugh on the stupid eighth chair
01:40:54
in which we found the silly box.
01:41:01
Cheer up! There are three more chairs.
01:41:04
Ninety-nine chances out of a hundred.
01:41:15
Everyone to the lottery!
01:41:18
The transparent should be painted and stretched
01:41:22
on this 3 per 4 meters frame.
01:41:25
- Will you make it by the evening? - You may rest assured
01:41:29
that the transparent will be performed in a most artistic way.
01:41:33
- That's it. - Very well.
01:41:38
Can you draw? That's a pity. Unfortunately, I can't, either.
01:41:42
What about lettering?
01:41:44
Can't do that either? Too bad.
01:41:48
We are supposed to be artists.
01:44:18
Do it!
01:44:47
Now they are gonna kick us out.
01:44:49
For what?
01:44:50
'Hurrah!'
01:45:12
A lecture entitled 'A Fruitful Opening Idea'
01:45:15
and a simultaneous chess match on 160 boards
01:45:17
will be given by Grossmeister O. Bender
01:45:20
Bring your own chessboards. Participation - 50 kopeks.
01:45:37
'Cardboard Worker Club'
01:45:47
- Enough. How much? - 35 roubles.
01:45:50
- They'll beat us up. - When they hit you, you can cry.
01:45:53
And now you go to the pier, hire a boat
01:45:55
- and wait for me. - But, Comrade Bender,
01:45:58
- how are you going to play? - I’m in good form today.
01:46:02
I’ll make my first move to King four, and then we’ll see.
01:46:05
One moment…
01:46:20
Comrades and brother chess players!
01:46:26
The subject of my lecture is A Fruitful Opening Idea.
01:46:34
What, brothers, is an opening?
01:46:38
And what, comrades, is an idea?
01:46:41
Can you tell me?
01:46:44
An opening, comrades,
01:46:47
is quai una fantasia.
01:46:50
Well, you know what I mean, don't you.
01:46:52
And what, comrades, is an idea?
01:46:56
An idea, comrades, is a human thought
01:47:00
molded in logical chess form.
01:47:05
Even with insignificant forces
01:47:07
you can master the whole of the chessboard.
01:47:09
It all depends on each separate individual.
01:47:13
Some of you play well, yet others don't play very well.
01:47:17
And no amount of lecturing can change this correlation of forces
01:47:21
until each separate individual
01:47:23
keeps practicing
01:47:27
checks every hour, every minute.
01:47:30
Ehh... I mean, chess. Let's continue.
01:47:38
Do you know that your club ‘Four Knights’,
01:47:42
given a clever approach,
01:47:44
can change the status of the town Vasyuki?
01:47:47
That’s why I suggest
01:47:51
that you hold and international chess tournament here!
01:47:56
Chess enthusiasts will come from all over the world.
01:48:00
Hundreds of thousands of well-to-do people
01:48:02
will head for Vasyuki.
01:48:07
So the state will have to build a main line
01:48:12
from Moscow to Vasyuki. They'll build hotels and skyscrapers
01:48:14
to accommodate the visitors,
01:48:18
a palace where the tournament will be held.
01:48:20
An extra-high power radio station will be broadcasting
01:48:23
the sensational results of the tournament.
01:48:26
Airport ‘Bigger Vasyuki’
01:48:28
from where planes and airships will fly to all parts of the world
01:48:32
including Rio de Janeiro and Melbourne.
01:48:34
Just imagine!
01:48:44
KING-FOUR RESTAURANT
01:48:47
THE CLUB OF FOUR KNIGHTS
01:48:49
PASS-PAWN HOTEL
01:48:52
BEER HALL ‘MATE IN TWO MOVES’
01:48:55
RESTAURANT ‘TIME CRUNCH’
01:48:57
KING-FOUR HOTEL
01:49:12
ROME - VASYUKI
01:49:17
PARIS - VASYUKI
01:49:20
Just think what will happen when the tournament is over
01:49:23
and the visitors have left.
01:49:25
Muscovites crowded together on account of the housing shortage
01:49:29
will come flocking to your beautiful town.
01:49:31
The capital will be automatically transferred to Vasyuki.
01:49:35
Vasyuki will be renamed New Moscow,
01:49:38
and Moscow will become Old Vasyuki.
01:49:41
Chess thinking will become an applied science
01:49:44
and will invent ways of inter-planetary communication.
01:49:48
Communication with Venus will be as easy
01:49:52
as going from Rybinsk to Yaroslavl.
01:49:55
And the first interplanetary chess tournament
01:50:00
will be held in Vasyuki.
01:50:27
The first interplanetary tournament between the teams
01:50:31
of Vasyuki and Great Bear
01:50:34
will end with a confounding victory of Vasyukians!
01:50:40
- Hurrah, comrades! - Hurrah!
01:51:00
He has played pawn to king four.
01:51:03
On the remaining boards Ostap made the same move -
01:51:06
pawn to king four.
01:51:11
At the third move it became clear
01:51:14
that in 18 games the Grossmeister was playing a Spanish gambit.
01:51:18
In the other 12 the blacks played the old-fashioned,
01:51:21
thought fairly reliable, Philidor defense.
01:51:25
If Ostap had known he was using such cunning gambits
01:51:29
and countering such tested defenses,
01:51:31
he would have been most surprised.
01:51:33
The truth of the matter was that he was playing chess
01:51:36
for the second time in his life.
01:51:38
- He sacrificed his bishop! - Playing cat and mouse.
01:51:43
Enticing you into a trap!
01:51:45
He sacrificed his queen!
01:51:49
- What do I do? - You should resign.
01:51:54
- Yes? - Yes.
01:51:57
Mate!
01:51:59
You're checkmate, comrade Grossmeister.
01:52:04
Yes, indeed.
01:52:06
Congrats - you're making progress, young man!
01:52:27
'Assistance to drowning persons is in their own hands'
01:52:42
I had a rook on this square a moment ago,
01:52:45
- and now it's gone. - If it's not, it wasn’t there at all.
01:52:49
Where is it gone then? Did you take it?
01:52:52
- Yes, I took it. - At which move?
01:52:53
At the 15th.
01:52:55
Don't try to confuse me with your rook.
01:52:58
- If you want to resign, say so! - I have all the moves written down.
01:53:02
- Written down my foot! - This is disgraceful!
01:53:04
Give me back the rook!
01:53:08
Look, everyone,
01:53:11
he's hitting an amateur!
01:53:25
Catch the Grossmeister!
01:53:27
Jerks!
01:55:16
Stop him!
01:55:23
- Let’s split, Pussy! - My handbag!
01:56:02
Come on, come on!
01:56:04
Be quick!
01:56:15
Watch out for your pince-nez, Pussy, the fun is about to begin.
01:56:20
Gentlemen, you wouldn't hit us, would you?
01:56:24
You'll see!
01:56:29
Careful!
01:56:34
You jerks!
01:56:36
Why don't you come and get your Grossmeister?
01:56:38
You intended to trounce me, didn't you?
01:56:41
Good bye, lovers of chess thrills!
01:56:46
Long live the Four Knights Chess Club!
01:56:49
Hurrah, comrades!
01:57:00
Good morning, marshal!
01:57:03
Bonjour.
01:57:06
Oh, it seems to be Cheboksary!
01:57:09
Great, we’ll sell our trophies here.
01:57:12
We’ll have enough money to get to Pyatigorsk
01:57:17
where we’ll wait for the theatre.
01:57:19
Look, marshal of the court, and here is our chair sailing!
01:57:25
Long time no see, chum.
01:57:29
All right…
01:57:31
Come here…
01:57:33
You know, Vorobyaninov, that chair
01:57:37
reminds me of our life.
01:57:40
we're also floating with the tide.
01:57:43
People push us under and we come up again,
01:57:46
although they aren't too pleased about it.
01:57:49
No one likes us,
01:57:52
except for the criminal investigation department,
01:57:55
which doesn't like us either.
01:57:57
My, Pussy,
01:58:00
we're out of place in all this festivity.
01:58:05
What?
01:58:20
My dear and precious Katya.
01:58:24
Every hour brings us nearer our happiness.
01:58:27
Soon we will have no end of money.
01:58:30
We shall settle in Samara,
01:58:33
in the vicinity of our factory, drinking fruit liquor.
01:58:36
But let me stick to the matter.
01:58:38
In its geographical position
01:58:40
and size of population the city of Baku
01:58:44
is considerably greater than Rostov.
01:58:46
But it is inferior to Kharkov.
01:58:49
They say, kerosene is extracted here.
01:58:56
Bruns the engineer is not here.
01:59:03
He has moved to Batumi.
01:59:06
It costs 15 rubles from here to Batumi.
01:59:10
Cable me twenty here.
01:59:13
Your husband ever Fedya
01:59:19
COLUMBUS Theatre only for two days here with the play ‘Inspector-General’
01:59:23
Well, ten for the whole deal.
01:59:27
Palsie!
01:59:30
Don't me mad.
01:59:36
I'm a man who is suffering
01:59:38
- from the Narzan. - How much do you want then?
01:59:42
Make it fifty. After all,
01:59:44
- it's government property. - All right,
01:59:48
accept twenty. Agreed?
01:59:51
I see from your eyes you agree.
01:59:56
What?
02:00:07
Agreement is the result of complete non-objection on both sides.
02:00:12
There are no flies on this one. Take a lesson.
02:00:15
When will you bring the chairs?
02:00:17
Money in advance.
02:00:22
The money in the morning, the chairs in the afternoon.
02:00:26
The money in the afternoon, the chairs in the evening.
02:00:28
The money in the evening, the chairs in the nighttime.
02:00:31
The money in the nighttime, the chairs in the morning.
02:00:34
All right, all right. What about
02:00:36
the chairs this morning, the money in the afternoon?
02:00:38
No problem. But the money should be paid in advance.
02:00:42
The money in the morning, and in the evening…
02:00:45
All right, but… Come over here…
02:00:50
The theatre
02:00:53
is leaving tomorrow
02:00:58
on a tour.
02:01:05
Oh, my God, what are you doing? My jacket!
02:01:08
I've been wearing it for 15 years, and it's as good as new.
02:01:12
Don't get excited, it soon won't be.
02:01:15
- Give me your hat. - No.
02:01:18
Give me your hat.
02:01:27
Tell me, marshal,
02:01:29
can you say in French,
02:01:33
'Gentleman, I haven't eaten for six days'?
02:01:36
- Of course. - And?
02:01:37
All right then.
02:01:41
- What? - One mo.
02:01:46
One moment.
02:01:50
All right then...
02:01:54
What an accent, Pussy!
02:01:57
- And how much German do you know? - Why all this?
02:02:00
Because you're now going to the park
02:02:04
and beg for alms in French,
02:02:07
German and Russian.
02:02:09
The net profit will go to Mechnikov.
02:02:13
Never,
02:02:15
never has Vorobyaninov held out his hand.
02:02:20
Then you can stretch out your feet, you silly old ass!
02:02:25
Look at this gigolo.
02:02:27
You've been living off me for the last three months,
02:02:31
and now you stand in the third position
02:02:35
and say ‘never’.
02:02:37
Come off it, Comrade! You've got two choices.
02:02:40
Either you go right away to the park
02:02:42
and bring back ten roubles by nightfall,
02:02:44
or else I'm removing you from the list of shareholders.
02:02:48
I'll give you five to decide yes or no.
02:02:50
- One… - Yes.
02:02:52
In that case, repeat the words.
02:03:00
Once again. Make it more heart-rending.
02:03:04
Make your intonation more musical. With emotion.
02:03:17
Now say it in German.
02:03:21
All right, you know German. Now - in Russian.
02:03:25
In Russian.
02:03:29
Ah, in Russian...
02:03:33
- Give something… - Be more serious.
02:03:38
And with tears in your eyes!
02:03:41
Give something
02:03:45
to an ex-member of the Duma.
02:03:49
All right. Ingenuous.
02:03:52
You have a talent for begging.
02:03:56
- You think so? - Absolutely.
02:03:58
Now you go, and don’t return without money.
02:04:14
Enough of this part...
02:04:17
Ladies and gentlemen, please give something
02:04:22
to an ex-member of the Duma…
02:04:26
THE DROP
02:04:28
This Drop was considered one of the sights of Pyatigorsk.
02:04:31
It seemed to be the only place
02:04:34
where the summer people could come for free.
02:04:37
Ostap intended to remove that regrettable omission.
02:04:41
Buy your tickets here, citizens.
02:04:44
Ten kopeks for a ticket. Children - five kopeks.
02:04:47
Buy the tickets. Children - five kopeks.
02:04:51
Union members - ten kopeks Non-union members…
02:04:53
Take your place in the line.
02:04:55
Non-union members - thirty kopeks.
02:05:09
- How much are the tickets? - Union members, ten kopeks,
02:05:13
but since representatives of the militia
02:05:15
can be classed as children,
02:05:17
- they pay five kopeks. - We’ll buy ten tickets.
02:05:23
For what purpose is the money being collected?
02:05:26
For general repairs to the Drop.
02:05:29
So it won't drop too much.
02:05:32
Please, come on in…
02:05:35
Come on in, please.
02:06:02
- What’s this? - The third chair is missing!
02:06:05
It was already sent away together with the scenery.
02:06:09
What do we do?
02:06:12
Don’t fly into hysterics.
02:06:14
Maybe now it’s you carrying 150 thousand,
02:06:17
or maybe it’s me.
02:06:21
Will you allow me…
02:06:25
- My chair is definitely heavier. - Let me carry it.
02:06:29
You’re welcome.
02:06:33
'The Prosecutor's office'
02:06:53
Moosie, where's the goosie?
02:06:56
Don't keep on at me.
02:07:15
Moosie, you haven't any pity for your little hubby.
02:07:19
Get out, you glutton,
02:07:28
Kindly beg your pardon. I'm looking for Engineer Bruns.
02:07:32
I'm Engineer Bruns. What can I do for you?
02:07:35
- Have you gone crazy? Stand up. - I won't.
02:07:37
- Stand up. - I won't.
02:07:40
Moosie, come here!
02:07:45
On you, Mother, on you, my dear, on you I lay my hopes.
02:07:49
What’s going on?
02:07:54
I dare not sit in the presence of high-ranking persons.
02:08:00
Moosie, talk to this citizen...
02:08:02
In my house kindly don't go down on anyone's knees.
02:08:06
- Dear lady Mother! - I'm not your mother.
02:08:09
What do you want?
02:08:16
But why should I sell my chairs?
02:08:19
- But they're my chairs! - What do you mean, they're yours?
02:08:22
Moosie - the goosie!..
02:08:26
Do you think I stole them from you, then?
02:08:29
No, no! This suite used to belong
02:08:31
to my dear spouse
02:08:34
who is now dying in Voronezh.
02:08:36
I came here not out of forwardness,
02:08:38
but only in compliance with the wish of my spouse.
02:08:41
It is only to sweeten her last few minutes
02:08:44
that I dared to disturb you.
02:08:46
I am ready to splurge and pay 20 roubles
02:08:49
for the whole set of chairs.
02:08:51
What? 20 roubles? For a splendid drawing-room suite?
02:08:57
Moosie, did you hear that?
02:09:00
- He really is a nut. - I'm not a nut,
02:09:02
but merely complying with the wishes of my dying wife.
02:09:06
Oh, hell! Moosie, he's at it again.
02:09:08
He's crawling around again.
02:09:13
Name your price!
02:09:16
Don't spoil the tree!
02:09:19
Name your price!
02:09:21
- So? - Moosie,
02:09:23
- I don't think he's a nut. - Oh?
02:09:25
He's simply distraught at his wife's illness.
02:09:28
Shall we sell him the chairs and get rid of him?
02:09:31
Otherwise, he'll crack his skull.
02:09:33
- And what are we going to sit on? - We'll buy some more.
02:09:36
- For 20 roubles? - Suppose I don't sell them for 20,
02:09:40
but supposing I do sell them for 250.
02:09:44
- I'm fed up with this! - He’s a nut!
02:09:49
First, move back from the palm at least three paces.
02:09:55
Second, stand up at once.
02:09:58
Third,
02:10:00
I'll sell you the chairs for 250, and not a kopek less.
02:10:04
It's not for personal gain, but merely in compliance...
02:10:07
My wife's also sick. She has problems with her lungs.
02:10:10
But on the strength of that I'm not asking you to err...
02:10:14
- sell me your jacket for 30 kopeks. - Have it for nothing.
02:10:18
Stop your tricks. I'm not going to argue with you any more.
02:10:23
Fifty!
02:10:27
Moosie, call Erofei.
02:10:30
Let him see this citizen off the premises.
02:10:32
Erofei, can I ask you for a moment.
02:10:39
See him off and out.
02:11:08
Fifty five!
02:11:13
Sixty roubles. Not for personal gain, but…
02:11:17
Seventy!
02:11:19
Seventy five!.. Eighty!..
02:11:22
Eighty five!..
02:11:24
Ninety!..
02:11:26
Ninety five!..
02:11:31
One hundred roubles!
02:11:37
One hundred!
02:11:41
One hundred and twenty five!
02:11:45
One hundred and thirty five!
02:11:49
One hundred and forty five!
02:11:53
One hundred and fifty five!
02:11:58
Damn you! 200 roubles then. Only leave us alone.
02:12:03
Good found.
02:12:05
Wire me 230.
02:12:08
Sell anything. Your Fedor.
02:12:12
Fedor…
02:12:34
Stop, you Moslem!
02:13:07
Just you wait!
02:14:45
Look at this picturesque landscape,
02:14:49
all this beauty.
02:14:51
And this wonderful mountain air.
02:14:55
It’s only a five days’ trip,
02:14:57
and ahead of us - 150 thousand and zero kopeks.
02:15:01
- I’m hungry! - Bear with it, Pussy!
02:15:04
00 hours, 17 min, 20 sec left to the end of the film.
02:15:21
- Gimme the money! - Gimme the money!
02:15:24
Money - gimme the money!
02:15:32
Alpine beggars!
02:15:34
A holy cause!
02:15:49
Gimme the money!
02:15:54
Money - gimme the money!
02:15:58
Gimme the money!
02:16:01
Gimme the money!
02:16:08
30 kopeks.
02:16:10
- The premiere was a success. - Oh, yes.
02:16:25
'My greetings to Queen Tamara! Peter Zh.'
02:16:28
'Nyura'
02:16:31
'Kolya and Micky, 1927'
02:16:33
Look at that, marshal!
02:16:36
Great people, these Kolya and Micky.
02:16:39
let's record ourselves for posterity, too.
02:16:42
Honestly, I'll go up and write
02:16:45
'Pussy and Ossy were here'.
02:16:48
Here…
02:17:20
What have you done with the treasure of your mother-in-law that you killed?
02:17:24
Speak! Repent, you sinner!
02:17:28
Repent!
02:17:31
Well, of all people! The rival concern!
02:17:36
Catch him!
02:17:39
He's taken our supplies!
02:17:42
Catch him!
02:17:44
Stop!
02:17:46
Stop, I tell you.
02:17:49
Give back the sausage, you fool,
02:17:53
and I'll forget everything.
02:18:09
I'll give back the sausage
02:18:12
only get me down!
02:18:51
- Mother! - I’m no Mother to you!
02:18:54
- I’m Queen Tamara. - Oh, my God!
02:18:56
In my kingdom kindly don't go down on anyone's knees.
02:18:59
- Not for personal gain… - But because of your wife.
02:19:02
- I know, I know. - How come you know?
02:19:05
I know all right!
02:19:07
Why don't you stop by, neighbour?
02:19:09
Oh, a candle factory!
02:19:12
We’ll have some home liquor, we’ll play cards!
02:19:19
I’ll drop in one of these days.
02:19:31
Oh, angels!
02:19:37
Not for personal gain,
02:19:39
but only in compliance with the wishes of Queen Tamara!
02:19:42
Those evening bells,
02:19:45
Those evening bells..
02:19:49
Those evening bells...
02:19:54
How many a tale
02:19:58
Their ringing tells.
02:20:02
People, repent, all of you!
02:20:05
Those evening bells. Oh, my dear lady…
02:20:09
COLUMBUS Experimental Theatre ‘Inspector-General’
02:20:15
Excuse me, why are you pasting this atop Columbus?
02:20:19
- Their tour was interrupted. - Why?
02:20:27
What?
02:20:29
The tour was terminated following the request
02:20:32
- of the working people. - Listen, good man!
02:20:35
Where did that darned theatre leave, do you know?
02:20:38
Of course I know.
02:20:40
- They left to Yalta. - All right.
02:20:43
- Let’s go. - To Yalta?
02:20:45
You'll soon be completely dotty, my poor friend.
02:20:49
You won’t be able to walk as far as Yalta.
02:20:53
Damn! Good luck!
02:20:59
Buy magazine ‘Giggler’!
02:21:27
They've been following us for two months.
02:21:30
- Oh, my Jesus. - … and will probably ambush us
02:21:33
tomorrow at the secret meeting-place.
02:21:36
Thank you very much.
02:21:38
We may have to shoot our way out.
02:21:42
Under the circumstances, we're glad to meet a loyal patriot.
02:21:46
I hope you’ll help us to save the father of Russian democracy.
02:21:50
- I'll give you a pistol. - There's no need.
02:21:52
I would be glad to offer financial assistance
02:21:54
to save the life of the father of Russian democracy.
02:21:58
- You're a true friend of society. - Thank you.
02:22:01
500 can save the master-mind.
02:22:04
Won't 200 save the master-mind?
02:22:08
I consider that haggling is somewhat out of place here.
02:22:11
I’m sorry.
02:22:22
We’re being shadowed again.
02:22:25
Sing louder…
02:22:27
Smile and sing…
02:22:31
Now you should pay the bill and quietly disappear.
02:22:38
The secret Alliance! Never surrender alive.
02:22:41
Go.
02:22:44
Go away, and don’t ever come here again…
02:22:51
Please!..
02:22:54
Come on, eat.
02:23:03
Everything is all right.
02:23:19
Coacher!
02:23:23
To Gurzuf!
02:23:28
Pussy…
02:23:31
- Pussy! - I’m here!
02:23:34
Just in case, we’ll say we got lost.
02:23:37
‘Cause we are provincials. Follow me, marshal.
02:23:45
There it is! There is our past,
02:23:48
present and future.
02:23:55
Comrade Bender, what's happening?
02:23:57
What is it?
02:24:00
We've got to get outside immediately.
02:24:05
The chair!
02:24:08
Let’s break open the chair!
02:24:10
- The chair… - To hell with you.
02:24:13
Perish here with your chair, then.
02:24:15
I value my life, if you don't.
02:24:18
That was the first shock of the great Crimean earthquake
02:24:22
of 1927.
02:24:25
It was in the way of the smooth operator.
02:24:31
Give me the chair now. You're tired of holding it, I see.
02:24:34
- I won't! - What's this? Mutiny aboard?
02:24:37
- Give me the chair! - It's my chair!
02:24:41
What?
02:25:08
My dear Ippolit Matveevich!
02:25:11
Ippolit Matveevich!
02:25:13
It's there?
02:25:19
You're dead right, it's there,
02:25:23
Pussy. Damn you.
02:25:29
A stroke of genius, brilliantly carried through to the end.
02:25:33
- An ancient adventure. - Where is it?
02:25:39
- Where? - The railway-workers' club.
02:25:41
- You know where it is? - Yes.
02:25:43
So, our chair is there.
02:25:45
- There? - In the artists’ room.
02:25:49
Ground floor, the third window from the corner.
02:25:53
Today at night we’ll get into the club
02:25:57
through that window. Nice and easy.
02:26:02
The third window from the corner.
02:26:05
Ground floor.
02:26:07
Today at night.
02:26:09
Meanwhile, my dear marshal, we can take a rest.
02:26:12
You may consider the money is already ours.
02:26:15
Today at night…
02:26:18
What would you want with all that money?
02:26:20
What do you mean, what would I want?
02:26:24
Well, what would you buy, Pussy? You haven't any imagination.
02:26:27
I don't think I'll give you anything. I don't want to spoil you.
02:26:32
I'll take you on as a secretary
02:26:34
40 roubles a month and all your grub.
02:26:38
Well, is it a deal?
02:26:43
I was only joking.
02:26:46
You will have heaps of money,
02:26:48
you’ll eat creme brulee,
02:26:52
you’ll wear cambric foot wraps.
02:26:59
The hearing's continued.
02:28:16
Comrade Bender is dead.
02:28:50
- This very room? - Yes.
02:28:55
And here, dear citizens, is that very surprise -
02:29:00
that very chair I was talking about.
02:29:03
Get up, soldier boy.
02:29:06
I used to be the watchman. A no-good club it was.
02:29:11
Then, in the spring, Comrade Krasilnikov bought a new chair.
02:29:15
Once I clambered onto it to fix a placard to the wall,
02:29:19
I slipped off the chair and the coverin' was torn off.
02:29:23
It turned out, them bourgeois people hid their jewelry there.
02:29:27
- It can't be! - Believe it or not.
02:29:30
The club was built with them.
02:29:36
And I was paid a bonus of 50 silver roubles.
02:29:40
I bought this costume on that money.
02:29:44
Let’s go on.
02:29:46
I’ll show you our gymnasium.
02:29:48
Come on.
02:29:56
It can’t be!..
02:30:01
It can’t be!..
02:31:05
ILF and PETROV
02:31:26
Do you have a spare ticket?
02:31:30
12 CHAIRS
02:32:19
The hearing is closed!
02:32:23
Thank you for your attention!
02:32:25
The End

Description:

Watch other movies on our site https://cinema.mosfilm.ru/ Subscribe to our Youtube-channel and follow us on social networks! Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MosfilmOfficial VK: https://vk.com/club20286388 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mosfilm_official/ The restoration of the film was made by a team of professionals from the Mosfilm Computer Graphics Group. Learn more https://cg.mosfilm.ru Comedy film "Twelve Chairs" The leader of the Soviet film rental in 1971 (39.3 million viewers), an adaptation of the single novel by Ilia Ilf and Eugenia Petrov "Twelve Chairs" directed by Leonid Gaidai. A comedy film that tells about the events of the most, perhaps, popular and beloved in the people literary hero. Ostap Bender and Ippolit Matveevich Vorobyaninov are looking for family jewels, which the late mother-in-law Vorobyaninov hid in one of the chairs of the table headset. In parallel with them, the search for treasures is carried out by the priest Father Fedor, to whom this "terrible" mystery was opened on confession. - Prize for contribution to the development of the genre of film comedy L. Gaidai at the V WCF in Tbilisi. Director: Gaidai Leonid Iovich Writers: Bahnov Vladlen, Gaidai Leonid Iovich, Ilf Ilia Composer: Zatsepin Alexander In the lead roles: Nikulin Yuri, Vorobieva Natalia, Varlei Natalia, Bogdanova-Chesnokova Glikeria, Gomiashvili Archil, Grebeshkova Nina, Pushovkin Mikhail, Rumyanova Clara, Krachkovskaya Natalia, Filippov Sergey

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