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00:00:03
MOSFILM
00:00:09
Artistic Association of Comedy and Musical Films
00:00:13
presents
00:00:17
KIN-DZA-DZA!
00:00:38
Written by
00:00:40
Revaz GABRIADZE Georgy DANELIYA
00:00:44
Directed by Georgy DANELIYA
00:00:49
Director of Photography Pavel LEBESHEV
00:00:54
Production Designers
00:00:56
Alexander SAMULEKIN Theodor TEZIK
00:00:59
Music by Gia KANCHELI
00:01:04
English subtitles by T. Kameneva
00:02:09
- Hi. - Hi.
00:02:13
What's new?
00:02:15
Manyukhin got pipes burst on his site.
00:02:26
That's what she's like, an Odessa girl, A delicate, lively Odessa girl,
00:02:31
She dances and sings,
00:02:33
The kisses she brings To those who with merriment rings!
00:02:35
Daddy, daddy, what are we to do When the freezing cold comes?
00:02:40
You have no warm kerchief, You have no winter coat!
00:02:52
How is our exemplary student?
00:02:54
Our exemplary student went for a walk.
00:02:56
Vovka, go buy bread. I forgot to.
00:03:03
Yes, and buy some macaroni.
00:03:20
Comrade, there's a man there who says he's an alien.
00:03:23
- We have to do something. - Call the ambulance.
00:03:26
I will, but he's all but barefoot, he may catch a cold.
00:03:34
- Hello. - Hello.
00:03:36
Sorry, I smell bad. It's cold. I took this from an iron box.
00:03:41
Good for you.
00:03:42
Friend, tell me the number of your planet in the Tentura,
00:03:46
or at least the number of your galaxy in the Spiral.
00:03:49
Because I mixed up contacts and can't return home now.
00:03:53
We don't know the number. We forgot it, dear.
00:03:57
The boy will go and call the information,
00:04:00
and we'll wait for him in a bread shop. All right?
00:04:03
Meanwhile, put this on.
00:04:05
Oh, thank you. Listen, friends.
00:04:09
Forget the bread shop, forget the information.
00:04:13
This is my planet.
00:04:15
UZM 247 in the Tentura.
00:04:18
Beta Galaxy in the Spiral.
00:04:21
This is the machine for moving over in space.
00:04:25
Which contact shall I push to move back home?
00:04:29
Because time is relative. You must know that?
00:04:32
We have a suggestion: we push the contacts
00:04:36
and move to your place.
00:04:38
But if the machine doesn't work,
00:04:40
then you will move where we move you.
00:04:44
Is it a deal?
00:04:46
No, we can't.
00:04:48
- One should know. - We can.
00:05:09
- What do you see? - Sand.
00:05:12
So that bullshit worked.
00:05:19
And that goat with holes, did he stay back there?
00:05:25
Stay cool.
00:05:30
There's the sun. There's the sand. There's gravitation.
00:05:34
Where are we? We are on Earth.
00:05:37
- Or... - Or?
00:05:38
Let's suppose we're on Earth, in a desert.
00:05:44
The Kara Kum? What other deserts do we have?
00:05:48
- Gobi, Sahara. - I said, we have.
00:05:51
We have Kyzyl Kum, too.
00:05:54
No, let's suppose it's Kara Kum.
00:06:01
All right. The sun is in the west.
00:06:04
So Ashkhabad must be there. Got it? Let's go.
00:06:16
Come on! Come on!
00:06:39
With Olga MASHNAYA
00:06:41
Irina SHMELYOVA Lev PERFILOV, Anatoly SERENKO
00:06:44
Comrade, what's your name?
00:06:48
Vladimir Nikolayevich.
00:06:51
And I'm Gedevan.
00:06:52
Nice meeting you.
00:07:11
Starring
00:07:15
Stanislav LYUBSHIN as Mashkov
00:07:20
Yevgeny LEONOV as Uef
00:07:25
Yuri YAKOVLEV as Bi
00:07:31
Levan GABRIADZE as Gedevan
00:07:34
Do you remember what number did he say,
00:07:37
the one who got my sock?
00:07:39
No, I don't.
00:07:41
Maybe we're on the planet from which he moved to ours?
00:07:45
Look, violinist,
00:07:47
whatever we may guess, we won't know a damn thing.
00:07:50
We've chosen the direction, and we're walking.
00:07:54
First thing we must get to the water. You get it?
00:08:01
Vladimir Nikolayevich, I'd like to put my slippers on.
00:08:05
Put them on!
00:08:06
You have to stop then!
00:08:16
What time is it?
00:08:18
- Four o'clock. - At night?
00:08:21
At night.
00:08:28
Are you being late?
00:08:31
It's so embarrassing.
00:08:33
I called from the airport and said I'd come in an hour, and now...
00:08:38
You study at the conservatory?
00:08:40
No, it's not mine. It's Professor Rogozin's.
00:08:45
He was giving us a sponsor concert,
00:08:47
and then they forgot to put his violin in the plane.
00:08:51
- It was a banquet? - No, a dinner.
00:08:55
- You from Tbilisi? - From Batumi.
00:08:59
I thought I'd give him the violin and catch the last electric train.
00:09:03
I study in Ivanovo, at a textile school.
00:09:07
I took entrance exams for the Institute of International Relations,
00:09:11
but they said that I'm...
00:09:13
Quiet.
00:10:10
Koo!
00:10:13
A human.
00:10:16
Koo!
00:10:18
- Koo. - Hello.
00:10:34
Koo!
00:10:37
Capitalist country.
00:10:43
Koo! Koo! Koo!
00:10:59
You know foreign languages?
00:11:01
English. A little bit of French.
00:11:04
Tell them we don't have any money.
00:11:09
Tell them. They want us to pay.
00:11:12
Gentlemen, sorry! We haven't money. Now!
00:11:27
Koo.
00:11:36
Hello.
00:11:38
We're our tourists. We've lost our group.
00:11:41
Give us a lift to town, then we'll manage somehow. Translate.
00:11:46
Do you speak English?
00:11:48
Koo?
00:11:51
- Parlez vous Francais? - Koo?
00:11:54
Hi.
00:11:57
Do you speak English? Parlez vous Francais?
00:12:03
Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
00:12:06
Koo?
00:12:14
Chatl.
00:12:18
No money.
00:12:20
Money, documents, currency, - our guide has got all.
00:12:24
Well, this is the situation.
00:12:26
We stepped aside for a second and got lost in the sands.
00:12:29
Ku.
00:12:43
Here. It's warm.
00:12:47
Koo?
00:12:49
- I beg your pardon? - Koo.
00:12:53
You want the hat?
00:12:55
You're welcome.
00:13:05
This is not mine, I can't give it.
00:13:13
There's nothing inside.
00:13:15
Open it.
00:13:23
It's not wine, it's vinegar.
00:13:26
Koo!
00:13:34
- Ku! - Sour, isn't it?
00:13:47
Is it a deal, friend? Will you give us a lift?
00:13:51
Violinist, hurry up.
00:13:58
Only to the nearest town, then we'll manage ourselves.
00:14:02
Koo!
00:14:05
The sweater?
00:14:16
Bastards!
00:14:26
Good I didn't give them the violin.
00:14:48
They got ashamed.
00:15:07
Ketse!
00:15:08
Ketse!
00:15:11
Ketse!
00:15:12
- Ketse what? - Ketse.
00:15:15
Ketse.
00:15:18
I think he wants a match.
00:15:20
- Want a match? - Ketse!
00:15:27
Here.
00:15:40
Koo?
00:15:45
- The whole box? - Koo!
00:15:49
First take us out of here, then we'll give you koo.
00:17:09
Not a single letter, not a single ''made in''.
00:17:17
Koo!
00:17:23
- Sorry, I don't understand. - Koo!
00:17:29
Sprechen Sie Turkish?
00:17:30
Ku!
00:17:34
Koo.
00:17:40
What do they want?
00:17:44
They want koo.
00:18:01
Tsak.
00:18:03
Thank you.
00:18:09
Tsak.
00:18:11
He wants me to put on the bell.
00:18:16
He'll do without.
00:18:18
Tsak.
00:18:21
Tsak.
00:18:23
It's not nice. I'll put it on.
00:18:28
Go ahead.
00:18:41
Tsak!
00:18:45
Tsak!
00:18:47
Tsak!
00:18:50
Tsak!
00:18:57
All right, you've talked me in.
00:19:11
Jingle! Jingle!
00:19:17
Koo!
00:20:04
Koo!
00:20:11
- Koo. - Koo.
00:20:15
Koo.
00:20:18
Koo.
00:20:20
Koo.
00:20:22
Koo!
00:20:25
Koo.
00:20:27
Koo.
00:20:35
I want a smoke, let me pass.
00:20:39
- Ketse! Ketse! - Easy, easy!
00:20:49
Ketse!
00:21:33
Vladimir Nikolayevich, perhaps after all, we're on...
00:21:38
Yeah, they're typical Martians.
00:21:50
Ku!
00:22:04
Oh, dear Lyusia, damn you, what did you need those macaroni for?
00:22:18
Well...
00:22:20
So we know Russian?
00:22:23
Why were you hiding that?
00:22:26
We're not hiding anything.
00:22:29
It's hard to dig in a language when you think in two languages at once.
00:22:33
And this patsak speaks languages he doesn't know how to continue.
00:22:38
What are you staring at, maimuno verishvilo?
00:22:42
- They know Georgian too. - What did he say?
00:22:45
- Monkey, son of a donkey. - All right...
00:22:49
We're from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange program.
00:22:52
Our people know where we are, they're looking for us.
00:22:54
If you don't give us the opportunity to get in touch with our embassy,
00:22:57
you'll be in big trouble.
00:23:00
- You got it? - Tsak.
00:23:04
Koo.
00:23:06
We don't understand ''embassy''. Put on the tsak, quick.
00:23:10
So you understand macaroni, you understand maimuno,
00:23:15
and what the embassy is, you don't know, poor things.
00:23:18
Don't you bullshit us, all right?
00:23:22
You were thinking about macaroni, and I just said it.
00:23:26
It's not Earth, and not Africa, my dear.
00:23:30
This is the Planet Plyuk.
00:23:33
215 in the Tentura.
00:23:35
Galaxy ''Kin-Dza-Dza'' in the Spiral, all right?
00:23:42
There we go. Just great!
00:23:48
Put on the bell, my dear.
00:23:51
Put it on.
00:23:57
There you go... Good boy.
00:24:04
Koo!
00:24:29
Excuse me, where have we landed?
00:24:32
He got very keen ears. You know the tentura of your planet?
00:24:36
The tentura?
00:24:38
Well, tell me the number of your galaxy in the spiral.
00:24:41
- In the spiral? - Yes.
00:24:44
You know where Earth is? It's where planets spin, such as...
00:24:48
Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter.
00:24:52
What other planets?
00:24:54
The Great Bear.
00:24:55
Vladimir Nikolayevich, come here.
00:25:03
Do you have more matches on your planet?
00:25:06
We'll find some.
00:25:08
How many will you give us if we lay you there?
00:25:13
- How many do you need? - Two full boxes like this.
00:25:16
- Seven. - Seven.
00:25:20
And give me what you've got now. I'll buy a gravitsappa for them.
00:25:25
Excuse me, what is gravitsappa?
00:25:27
Gravitsappa is without what a pepelats can fly only like this,
00:25:32
and with a gravitsappa it can fly to anywhere in the universe in 5 seconds.
00:25:37
Guys, how do you roll the pepelats out of the garage without a gravitsappa?
00:25:43
We had a gravitsappa, but after we flew in here, it was stolen.
00:25:47
Don't you have the machine for moving over in space?
00:25:49
- No. - No.
00:25:51
Give me the matches.
00:25:53
Give me the water.
00:26:02
- Ku! - Ku!
00:26:04
- Ku! - Ku!
00:26:15
Like this! You should do like this! You should do it like this! Like this!
00:26:23
It's yours. Smoke like this now.
00:26:26
- Thanks. - Koo!
00:26:30
Koo!
00:26:32
He says he has a gravitsappa.
00:26:35
Put the matches here.
00:26:38
When you lay us on Earth, you'll get this and this.
00:26:42
What?
00:26:44
Let's go, violinist, into outer space.
00:26:47
Wait!
00:26:50
Give it back.
00:26:53
- Give it back! - You'll get it on our Mother Earth.
00:26:57
Vladimir Nikolayevich, you said if we got you there you'd give us everything.
00:27:02
And you stole our match.
00:27:04
A patsak never cheats on a patsak. It's not nice, my dear.
00:27:07
I said, to town.
00:27:09
- And what is this? - A barn.
00:27:12
And what is this?
00:27:15
And what is this?
00:27:17
And what is this? Isn't it a town?
00:27:20
Stop jerking.
00:27:23
Show us your gravitsappa. If it's a quality product, we'll take it.
00:27:28
Patsak!
00:27:30
What idiots would take contraband goods in front of witnesses,
00:27:35
when you can get for it a life etsikh with nails?
00:27:38
What have you got in your head: brains or ku?!
00:27:43
We'll buy it ourselves. Let's go.
00:27:47
Halt!
00:27:49
Halt, I said!
00:27:56
Who are you?
00:27:59
Who are you, I'm asking?
00:28:04
- An alien foreman. - No! You're a patsak!
00:28:07
- And who are you? - I'm a Georgian.
00:28:09
No, you're a patsak, too!
00:28:12
You're a patsak, you're a patsak, and he's a patsak.
00:28:15
And I'm a chatlian, and they're chatlians.
00:28:18
So put the tsak on and sit in the pepelats, all right?
00:28:22
What?
00:28:24
Look at me with the visor, dear. Which dot is responding?
00:28:29
The green one.
00:28:31
Now look at him.
00:28:33
Green, too.
00:28:35
Yours is green, too.
00:28:38
Now look at Uef. What dot is it? Orange.
00:28:42
Because he's a chatlian.
00:28:45
Understand now?
00:28:47
- What? - Plyuk is the chatlian planet.
00:28:50
That's why we, patsaks, must wear tsaks.
00:28:53
And before us, chatlians, one must do like this!
00:28:59
Vladimir Nikolayevich, this is a flagrant racism.
00:29:02
Show me once again.
00:29:04
Like this!
00:29:06
- Do me a favor, slower. - Like this!
00:29:11
Vladimir Nikolayevich, you got a wife at home, a D-pupil son.
00:29:17
You haven't paid up for your cooperative apartment.
00:29:19
And you're bullshitting us here.
00:29:23
You may end up bad, my dear.
00:29:29
Here!
00:29:31
All right, violinist, let's play their games.
00:29:34
Good boy. Now give the match to Uef, and he'll buy the gravitsappa.
00:29:39
- He said he wanted all of them. - I was kidding.
00:29:43
You're jolly fellows.
00:29:47
- Koo! - Wait.
00:29:49
Koo! We'll go together.
00:29:56
Don't show them your ketses and don't think about them.
00:29:59
Show my ketse and don't give them more than a half match.
00:30:02
The gravitsappa costs a half match.
00:30:05
And your patsak said it cost a whole match.
00:30:10
He was kidding too.
00:30:28
The cement is of the 300 grade.
00:30:33
Remember, patsak, a half or even less.
00:30:37
All right.
00:30:38
Excuse me, chatlians and patsaks, is it a nationality?
00:30:41
No.
00:30:43
- A biological factor? - No.
00:30:46
- Persons from other planets? - No.
00:30:48
And what's the difference between them?
00:30:51
Are you a color-blind person? Can't you tell green color from orange?
00:30:55
Some tourist!
00:31:07
A skyscraper.
00:31:09
Come on!
00:31:17
Koo?
00:31:24
Koo! Do as I told you.
00:31:27
Hi, Miss. Aren't you cold in your coat?
00:31:42
They won't let me in. They only let you go.
00:31:46
Don't give them the ketse. Bring the gravitsappa here, I'll look at it.
00:31:51
Go.
00:31:57
Not you.
00:31:58
- We're together. - No.
00:32:00
Vladimir Nikolayevich, tell him!
00:32:03
All right.
00:32:06
Wait here.
00:32:14
But don't go anywhere.
00:32:35
Hi!
00:32:40
How you doing?
00:32:46
You want me to sit down?
00:32:48
Well, as a courtesy to the ladies present.
00:32:54
Well, what's new on Plyuk?
00:32:58
Put down the ketse, you'll get the gravitsappa.
00:33:13
A half.
00:33:17
A half.
00:33:20
- May I have a look? - Look.
00:33:35
Well, I'm not an expert on those gravitsappas.
00:33:39
Let's go and show it to my chatlian, he'll check it.
00:33:43
We'll put the tsapa in.
00:34:04
A sore throat?
00:34:10
Water.
00:34:12
I have a suggestion: I give you the rest of the ketse,
00:34:18
you give me two bottles of water.
00:34:21
All right.
00:34:34
Got any food?
00:34:36
Porridge.
00:34:38
What kind?
00:34:41
Plastic.
00:34:49
All right, I give you this whole ketse,
00:34:54
you give me five bottles of water
00:34:58
and a kilo of porridge.
00:35:04
- What's this? - Ketse.
00:35:08
- Have to check it again. - Check it.
00:35:13
Koo!
00:35:29
Hey, just a second!
00:35:33
Wait.
00:36:02
Violinist, can you get matches on Earth?
00:36:08
Yes, I can.
00:36:13
If you spit farther, I'll give you a half chatl.
00:36:17
Here.
00:36:20
With this plyuk. If I spit farther, you'll give me two matches.
00:36:34
- Understand? - No.
00:36:35
A very simple game.
00:36:37
I give you a half chatl, you give me three matches on Earth. Here!
00:36:42
- Spit, son. - I don't want to.
00:36:45
All right, you give me one match,
00:36:48
and I give you 3 chatls, yellow pants and this big head start.
00:36:53
- Come on. - No.
00:36:55
- Blue pants. - No, I will do it on no conditions.
00:36:59
Is it your rear word?
00:37:02
Why are you snowjobbing me, then?
00:37:06
Maimuna verishvila!
00:37:11
Mister Uef, I'm a representative of a civilized planet.
00:37:13
And I demand that you watch your vocabulary!
00:37:45
Where are they?
00:37:47
- Who? - The one with a scar.
00:37:50
I, the idiot, gave him all the matches.
00:38:53
Ku!
00:38:55
Ku!
00:38:57
Ku!
00:39:03
Stop it, guys, enough.
00:39:06
Enough! What's enough?
00:39:08
I've told him a thousand times we have to fly to the center.
00:39:12
But he's as greedy as all chatlians!
00:39:15
Two chatls cheaper! Ku!
00:39:18
We got one more.
00:39:25
As far as I understand, it's enough for a gravitsappa.
00:39:28
Give it here.
00:39:30
- Why? - To buy a gravitsappa.
00:39:35
Where?
00:39:37
Over there, at the center.
00:39:40
How can you carry us to Mother Earth
00:39:43
if you even don't know in which galaxy it spins?
00:39:48
Any planetarium at the center, idiot,
00:39:50
will give us the number of your planet for two chatls.
00:39:54
Give me the match, come on!
00:39:56
And then you'll bury us in sand, right?
00:39:59
- So you're not giving it? - No.
00:40:01
Is that your rear word?
00:40:04
It can't be any rearer.
00:40:11
Then farewell, my dear.
00:40:19
They'll fly away.
00:40:22
They'll be back. They'll cut each other's throats for a match.
00:40:33
Either you're giving us this match right now,
00:40:37
or we won't lay you on Earth for less than 7 matchboxes.
00:40:47
Two thousand.
00:40:49
Three.
00:40:52
Twenty three hundred.
00:40:53
Three.
00:41:04
Twenty five hundred, I can't give any more.
00:41:07
You can, my dear.
00:41:10
Mister Bi.
00:41:14
I've got 50 rubles.
00:41:18
The price of matches is 2 kopecks a box.
00:41:21
Therefore, I can buy twenty five hundred.
00:41:24
The violinist is cheating, he got more chatls.
00:41:32
Mister Uef, I'm not a violinist to you. My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich.
00:41:47
Is the engine there?
00:41:48
Don't poke your nose into every hole, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
00:41:56
Gedevan, let's tie these jerks up and head north.
00:42:03
Why?
00:42:04
Who knows, perhaps the Mediterranean is lapping over there.
00:42:09
Are you off your rocker, my dear? How can Plyuk have any seas?
00:42:14
They'd been made into luts long ago.
00:42:19
Excuse me, into what?
00:42:22
Into fuel, violinist, into fuel.
00:42:26
- Here. You owe us 6,140 matchboxes. - Why so many?
00:42:32
You gobbled the porridge, you drink the water. Plus the contraption.
00:42:37
Cross the contraption out, we're not taking the contraption. Put it down.
00:42:50
Let's take it. At least we'll bring back some technology.
00:42:53
Otherwise they won't believe us.
00:42:55
Then give him the violin, if you want it so much.
00:43:01
The violin is Italian. 18th century.
00:43:05
It costs 1 ,000 rubles, if not more. How am I going to pay for it?
00:43:09
Koo?
00:43:10
Koo.
00:43:12
Violinist, instead of thinking all the time
00:43:15
that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut
00:43:17
and that you'll get a Nobel Prize,
00:43:20
give back the spoon you stole from the destitute artists.
00:43:27
I was thinking nothing of the sort.
00:43:35
I wanted to give it to the Institute of Non-ferrous Metals as something new.
00:43:41
O heavens!
00:43:43
The heavens have never seen such an ignominious patsak as you, violinist.
00:43:48
It grieves me deeply.
00:43:56
- Where're you going? - To the toilet.
00:43:59
You can't go to the toilet with money. Leave the money here,
00:44:03
Gedevan Alexandrovich.
00:44:42
- The ketse's very expensive, my dear. - Why?
00:44:46
How do you figure it out on your Earth who before whom
00:44:50
should sit down and how many times?
00:44:52
Well, just by eye.
00:44:55
Savages.
00:44:58
Look, I sort of like you, so I'll teach you.
00:45:03
If I have a few ketses,
00:45:05
I have the right to wear yellow pants
00:45:09
and a patsak must sit down before me not one, but two times.
00:45:15
If I have many ketses,
00:45:18
I have the right to wear crimson pants
00:45:23
and then a patsak must sit down before me two times,
00:45:28
and a chatlian must do koo,
00:45:31
and an etsilopp has no right to beat me at night.
00:45:36
Never!
00:45:39
I have a suggestion, my dear.
00:45:42
You give us the match now
00:45:44
and we'll bring you yellow pants later, all right?
00:45:49
Thanks, I've got them already. Perhaps the violinist needs them?
00:45:52
Violinist, those aliens are pushing black market pants here!
00:45:56
Yellow! You want some?
00:46:01
The violinist is not here, my dear.
00:46:02
- What do you mean? - I've ejected him.
00:46:05
Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolayevich, we got another catapult, a new one.
00:46:09
The old one was not good anyway.
00:46:11
I beg your pardon?
00:46:13
I pressed the kapa, and he flew away.
00:46:17
We don't need the violinist, dear. He just eats up fuel.
00:46:32
Turn it back.
00:46:34
We can't.
00:46:36
We're out of luts, we have to fly to a luts station.
00:46:40
Turn it back! Or I'll burn this ketse to hell!
00:46:46
Gedevan!
00:46:53
Violinist!
00:46:59
Violinist!
00:47:13
- Where can he be? - I've told you.
00:47:16
He was caught by the etsilopps.
00:47:19
- Let's fly, dear. - Death would be too good for you!
00:47:26
Radio the etsilopps.
00:47:29
We don't have a radio. We threw it out.
00:47:33
- I'll check it. - An etsilopp!
00:47:45
Put on the tsak.
00:47:48
Put on the tsak!
00:47:50
He'll do without.
00:48:00
Koo!
00:48:02
Koo.
00:48:05
Put it on. He'll trankluate both you and the match.
00:48:16
Koo.
00:48:33
Koo!
00:49:03
Hello. Look, friend, we've lost our boy.
00:49:07
- Haven't you seen him? - Koo.
00:49:10
What?
00:49:25
Koo! Sorry, I forgot. They say you picked him up.
00:49:30
Koo.
00:50:10
Didn't I tell we don't need the violinist? Didn't I?!
00:50:13
What are we going to buy luts with now?
00:50:21
With what?!
00:50:22
What a bastard you are, dear.
00:50:25
He's even worse, he's just a ku!
00:51:03
I have a suggestion.
00:51:05
We'll find the violinist and fly to the local government.
00:51:09
Bring some sand, dear.
00:51:13
We'll tell them who we are and from where.
00:51:18
They'll give us a gravitsappa.
00:51:21
And we...
00:51:23
will make a mutually profitable trade-in.
00:51:28
You'll give us yellow pants, we'll give you as many ketses as you want.
00:51:34
To fly to the government, you need to have a gravitsappa.
00:51:37
The government lives on another planet, dear.
00:52:25
Uncle Vova, I'm here!
00:52:30
Here!
00:52:47
- Violinist! - What?
00:52:49
- Where's my... what's its name... - Tsak?
00:52:54
Well?
00:52:56
- I got it. - Then give it to me.
00:52:59
- What do you need it here for? - Give it to me, I said.
00:53:06
There's no one here.
00:53:09
- This is mine. - Keep it ready.
00:53:32
Are you sleeping?
00:53:35
No.
00:53:37
Cheer up.
00:53:39
If there's a gravitsappa on this Plyuk, we'll get it.
00:53:44
We used to get even more valuable things.
00:53:50
Stay cool.
00:53:55
Hey, stop!
00:53:57
Koo!
00:53:59
Give us a lift to the center!
00:54:01
- Stop, patsak. - What?
00:54:05
Don't come closer.
00:54:08
- What do you want? - Take us to the center.
00:54:11
Three chatls.
00:54:14
No money. But we'll work for it.
00:54:17
What can you do?
00:54:20
- Me? I can do anything. - Exactly?
00:54:23
Vladimir Nikolayevich is a builder, a foreman.
00:54:27
We'll build you a house!
00:54:30
And what can you do?
00:54:32
Me?
00:54:34
He can play the violin!
00:54:38
Play.
00:54:41
- Play. - I can't play.
00:54:45
Bye, patsaks.
00:54:47
Wait, Miss, I can play!
00:54:51
Play.
00:54:53
Here?
00:54:55
Over there!
00:55:18
Wait, I'll put on the sound.
00:55:25
Play.
00:55:31
And sing.
00:55:37
Just a minute!
00:55:40
How does it go...
00:55:42
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
00:55:47
Super!
00:55:49
- What? - I say, super.
00:55:52
People like it.
00:55:54
- What? - People like it.
00:56:14
No.
00:56:17
- Let me play the drums. - Like what?
00:56:22
Foreman.
00:56:24
We don't need the violinist.
00:56:29
He may come handy. Give us some water to drink.
00:56:33
I said, after the performance.
00:56:36
We could have just taken it.
00:56:42
By force. Then you would've begged for it.
00:56:46
If you touch me, an etsilopp will fly in and pull your legs out.
00:56:48
- I fuck your etsilopp. - Cool it, violinist.
00:56:52
Don't irritate the lady.
00:56:55
Foreman.
00:57:17
I got you, got you.
00:57:20
Got you.
00:57:21
Look, do you know someone with a gravitsappa and a pepelats?
00:57:26
Why?
00:57:27
He could lay us on Earth. We'd give a crate of ketse to you and to him.
00:57:34
I know you don't believe words. What am I thinking now?
00:57:41
That your wife calls all the morgues.
00:57:44
No, what am I thinking right this moment?
00:57:48
- That you'll give. - So it's true.
00:57:53
What idiot on Plyuk would think the truth?
00:57:57
It's absurd.
00:58:00
Yes, because you say what you don't think
00:58:03
and think what you don't think,
00:58:06
that's why you sit in cages,
00:58:08
and that's why all this wretched cataclysm
00:58:11
that I'm observing here, and Vladimir Nikolayevich, too.
00:58:16
You were told that patsaks should perform in a cage, so it must be a cage.
00:58:19
Why showing off?
00:58:21
It's all right, dear, we can sing just next to it.
00:58:24
Get in. He's nabbed us. He's trankluating.
00:58:27
We're not beasts.
00:58:29
What?!
00:58:32
- Yes, you will get in! - Let go! Let go!
00:58:38
Ku!
00:58:39
Koo!
00:58:43
Get in, or he'll melt us!
00:58:46
All right, let's come in, violinist, as long as they're begging.
00:58:51
Get in.
00:58:58
One... two... three.
00:59:02
Dance!
00:59:04
Dance.
00:59:05
Find yourself another pop group, jerk!
00:59:10
What?!
00:59:23
I'll be right back.
00:59:28
We have to split. Boys, give a push to the cart, there's a rise here.
00:59:33
That we're always ready to do.
00:59:43
Step on it.
00:59:44
Bye.
00:59:46
Vermin.
01:00:07
I'm going to tell everybody
01:00:10
to what state that clown, Pezhe, has reduced the planet!
01:00:17
Patsaks are bossing chatlians around!
01:00:25
Ku!
01:00:30
What?
01:00:32
- Everything's in there? - She stole the perfume.
01:00:36
A woman.
01:00:43
Let me.
01:00:47
- You got lead in there or what? - Let me carry it, Uncle Vova.
01:01:27
I don't even know which way to look. Where's Earth?
01:01:50
Galina Borisovna, as patsaks, comrade Mashkov and I
01:01:54
could get two chatls for a performance, that's the maximum.
01:01:58
Water, luts and fines to etsilopps, - that made up at least a chatl a day.
01:02:03
And the gravitsappa costs a half ketse, which amounts to 2,200 chatls.
01:02:08
We divide it by 365, subtract Saturdays and Sundays, and we get 6.
01:02:13
So I just couldn't come back any sooner than in 6 years.
01:02:17
That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but it's just words.
01:02:21
Where's the proof that you came from outer space,
01:02:25
and notjust sold the violin, as Professor Rogozin claims,
01:02:27
and operated all that time at a disco in Gagry?
01:02:32
Here's the mineral.
01:02:36
Here's the chatl.
01:02:39
Here's the tsak.
01:02:40
As for pebbles and sand, I enclosed them with my explanatory note
01:02:44
and handed to Raya in the dean's office, for her to send it to UNESCO.
01:02:48
- Where? - To UNESCO.
01:02:53
You're a grownup man, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
01:02:56
You finished one semester and then disappeared for years.
01:03:00
Now you show up with a rock,
01:03:04
with a fragment of the Caucasian ceramics
01:03:08
and a fishing bell.
01:03:10
And you're claiming that...
01:03:12
Besides, if you can play music,
01:03:17
why didn't you take part in our amateur talent shows?
01:03:21
Excuse me, violinist, but this is an elementary koo!
01:03:26
End of Part One
01:03:31
Part Two
01:03:35
Short Chatlian-Patsak Dictionary
01:03:42
KETSE - a match TSAK - a bell for the nose
01:03:50
ETSIKH - a bin for prisoners
01:03:55
ETSILOPP - a representative of the authorities
01:04:00
PEPELATS - a spaceship
01:04:06
GRAVITSAPPA - a detail of the pepelats engine
01:04:12
KU - an obscenity accepted by society
01:04:17
KOO - all other words
01:07:05
- Hi! - Hello.
01:07:08
Long time no see.
01:07:10
Bye.
01:07:12
Hey, wait a second.
01:07:15
I have a suggestion.
01:07:18
What?
01:07:23
What are we thinking about you? Come on.
01:07:27
Penetrate our brains.
01:07:32
Why are you badgering us? What do you want?
01:07:35
- Have you no shame? - And what about you?
01:07:38
We're just poor, wretched, hungry artistes.
01:07:42
Have we done you any wrong? Why are you pursuing us?
01:07:48
Give me your contraption.
01:07:53
Tune it up.
01:08:00
Good. Come on.
01:08:09
One, two, three.
01:08:12
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
01:08:17
Koo!
01:08:19
Mama, mama, how am I to live?
01:08:30
I have no warm coat,
01:08:36
I have no warm underwear.
01:08:52
Shut up. You have no ear.
01:08:55
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
01:08:59
Koo!
01:09:01
Mama, mama, how am I to Iive?
01:09:22
Uncle Vova, do it again.
01:09:25
- They like it. - They dig it.
01:09:28
One, two!
01:09:30
An etsilopp!
01:09:34
Koo! Koo!
01:09:55
Artistes, where's our pigsty?
01:09:58
- The pepelats? - Yes.
01:10:00
Over there.
01:10:02
- We're out of luts. - Because of you, bastard.
01:10:06
Violinist, what are you doing? Hoodlum!
01:10:09
- Leave me alone. - My dear.
01:10:14
This is the last breath. A grave.
01:10:18
Cemetery.
01:10:24
Checkmate.
01:10:27
- And you said you had high rating. - He's a braggart.
01:10:30
You win at the expense of my brains.
01:10:33
If you had brains,
01:10:35
you'd be at the International Institute now, instead of bullshitting us here.
01:10:37
Let's play again. You stake the violin, the case and the tooth stick.
01:10:42
And this.
01:10:44
All right?
01:10:46
All right. And you - the contraption, the visator and Mr. Uef's lifeblood.
01:10:53
- It's possible. - Come on.
01:11:00
Uncle Vova.
01:11:04
You should fix the tsappa.
01:11:06
- Here, do it yourself! - I can't, I'm a chatlian.
01:11:10
Get out of here!
01:11:12
When it comes to giving advice, they are all chatlians, but when it's work...
01:11:16
- Kindermate. - Unfair play.
01:11:19
You deliberately thought out my moves badly.
01:11:22
You should play with your own brains.
01:11:23
How can he play with his brains if he's seeing those dolls for the first time?
01:11:26
None of my business. Give me my win.
01:11:29
No way.
01:11:31
Uef, have you ever seen such a little patsak
01:11:35
being so mercenary a ku?
01:11:37
Never. I said we didn't need the violinist. Here's the result.
01:11:41
Hey, boss!
01:11:49
And you said, the tsappa.
01:11:58
Does no one sing in cages on your planet?
01:12:03
Mister Bi, on Earth only beasts are put in cages.
01:12:08
The beasts, are they chatlians?
01:12:11
I don't know. But it looks like it.
01:12:15
So the nightingale is a patsak?
01:12:18
Why patsak?
01:12:20
You said yourself that he sings without a cage.
01:12:23
So he's a patsak.
01:12:25
You see?!
01:12:27
You got as flagrant a racism as it is here, on Plyuk.
01:12:31
Only power was seized not by chatlians, but by patsaks,
01:12:35
such as you and your friend, the nightingale.
01:13:20
Let me do it.
01:14:00
Here, four gulps.
01:14:03
Water for the kid.
01:14:06
You owe us 6,042 matchboxes. Violinist, write it down.
01:14:13
I have already.
01:14:27
Want it?
01:14:31
No.
01:14:34
It's free.
01:14:49
What are you doing? What about me? What about me?
01:14:52
What about me? What about me?
01:14:57
I'm giving 10 more matchboxes. Have some water.
01:15:09
Kin-dza-dza!
01:15:24
- A motorboat! - It's not a motorboat.
01:15:27
It's a luts station.
01:15:29
- Let's fill up. - No!
01:15:31
It's automatic, but the next one has a woman.
01:15:34
We'll perform, she'll give us a discount.
01:15:38
Stop loafing, Uncle Vova.
01:15:40
Come on, dear, let's fly.
01:15:46
If there had been a sea here, why are there no shells?
01:15:50
Do you still have seas on Earth?
01:15:53
We have seas, and we have rivers.
01:15:56
And we have decent people too, Mister Uef.
01:16:00
Savages! I feel like crying.
01:16:04
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
01:16:11
Mama, mama, how am I to live?
01:16:16
I have no warm coat,
01:16:24
I have no warm underwear.
01:16:28
Koo!
01:16:30
Too bad my bosses can't see me now. They would've given me a raise.
01:16:35
Quiet, Uncle Vova. She's looking at us.
01:16:48
Koo?
01:16:56
Koo?
01:17:01
Koo!
01:17:03
They took the woman out and put a machine in.
01:17:09
Take as much as we can afford. We'll fly a part of the way at least.
01:17:16
The luts is not sold by parts.
01:17:19
The luts costs 10 chatls a charge.
01:17:22
And we got only 7.
01:17:23
Koo?
01:17:36
How far is it to the center from here?
01:17:39
160 kilometers.
01:17:42
Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatls.
01:17:46
In his right galosh.
01:17:55
Hey, chatlian!
01:17:57
What?
01:18:00
Come on, take your right felt boot off.
01:18:02
Why?
01:18:05
Come on, koo, koo.
01:18:17
Ku!
01:18:25
Koo?
01:18:27
Ku, you pest!
01:18:36
Sit down!
01:18:38
Why? They're not etsilopps.
01:18:41
It's Pezhe with his patsak.
01:18:43
You don't sit down - you get an etsikh with nails for life.
01:18:48
And who is he?
01:18:59
There, did you see it?
01:19:02
It's holography, my dear!
01:19:04
The violin!
01:19:09
Cool it! Freeze! Quiet!
01:19:19
And you said koo.
01:19:37
It's not a dirigible, blockhead.
01:19:39
It's the last breath of Mr. Pezhe.
01:19:43
Bullshit.
01:19:45
One man couldn't breathe out so much air before his death. It's absurd.
01:19:50
Don't you fear the wrath of heavens?! Pezhe is alive, and I'm happy.
01:19:54
And I'm even happier.
01:19:57
Koo.
01:20:03
Koo.
01:20:35
This way.
01:20:37
Come on, get in.
01:20:40
- Plastic? - No.
01:20:42
Don't they have a decent entrance to this supermarket?
01:20:45
You have to pay chatls for a decent entrance, my dear.
01:20:48
Koo.
01:21:03
Koo!
01:21:15
Koo.
01:21:54
- Let's go. - Get away!
01:22:29
Ku.
01:22:34
Violinist, patsaks ride in there.
01:22:37
- Koo. - Koo.
01:22:56
What are they doing?
01:22:58
It's Mr. Pezhe's fourth pump.
01:23:01
I love Pezhe so much!
01:23:04
And I koo him even more!
01:23:14
Koo!
01:23:16
Koo!
01:23:28
Here they make water out of luts.
01:23:34
Koo!
01:23:35
Koo!
01:24:01
- What are they yelling? - They're selling.
01:24:06
- What are they selling? - Everything.
01:24:09
Let's take a gravitsappa.
01:24:12
Gravitsappas are in another section.
01:24:15
First we must know the tentura of Earth.
01:24:23
Yellow pants, two koos.
01:24:26
Koo, koo.
01:24:28
Koo! Koo!
01:24:53
Think the orbit's diameter of your planet.
01:25:00
I don't remember. You think, violinist.
01:25:02
No, we don't need the violinist. You think.
01:25:05
All right.
01:25:10
Think the specific gravity of your planet's core.
01:25:14
The specific gravity? No, I don't remember.
01:25:17
All right, I see.
01:25:20
Think the names of the planets you know in your galaxy.
01:25:26
Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus.
01:25:29
There was the crystal of introduction! Where's the crystal of introduction?
01:25:33
Violinist, put it back!
01:25:35
I thought it was nothing.
01:25:38
Just a piece of glass.
01:25:42
You damn fool.
01:25:45
Enough of gritting your brains, you dolt.
01:25:50
There's your planet, 013 in the tentura, to the left of Big Bear.
01:25:56
If you want to talk, pay another chatl.
01:25:59
- Pardon? - Think your phone number, koo.
01:26:04
And say about matches into it.
01:26:08
Koo.
01:26:18
Hello? Hello? Hello?
01:26:22
Talk into here.
01:26:24
Hello?
01:26:26
Hello? Who is it?
01:26:30
Hello?
01:26:32
Talk. The time's ticking.
01:26:33
Hello?
01:26:35
Lyusia, can you hear me? It's me!
01:26:38
Vova, where are you?!
01:26:41
I'm here.
01:26:43
How are you? How is Kirill?
01:26:46
Where are you, Vova?
01:26:48
I'm here, it's some place. I'll explain to you later.
01:26:52
How's mother feeling? Did you visit her?
01:26:56
I did. But where are you?
01:27:01
Listen, you patsak girl. Stop this bullshit.
01:27:04
Go and buy 2 crates of ketse, or we'll find him another...
01:27:08
Go away!
01:27:09
Lyusia! Lyusia!
01:27:14
Lyusia, my dear!
01:27:17
Lyusia...
01:27:19
Lyusia, take the phone, call Manokhin
01:27:22
and tell him that the keys from the bathroom equipment are in my wagon,
01:27:28
on the floor under the locker.
01:27:30
- Did you understand everything? - Yes, I understood everything.
01:27:36
Connect me, please, to Batumi, 3-47-57.
01:27:40
tell them to get Alik.
01:27:42
No. Lay off, you thief.
01:27:56
Koo.
01:28:03
Koo.
01:28:12
Something wrong?
01:28:17
Nothing wrong. Only Earth is far away.
01:28:21
We have to warm up for 7 minutes instead of 5.
01:28:24
So let's go and prepare the tsappa for the gravitsappa.
01:28:28
Astronauts, which one is the tsappa?
01:28:32
The rusty nut over there, my dear.
01:28:36
You got everything rusty here.
01:28:39
That one is the rustiest.
01:28:48
Are you absolute nuts?!
01:28:50
Oh-oh-oh, oh boy, Lyusia and Manokhin shifted in space.
01:28:55
What do you know!
01:29:05
Uncle Vova!
01:29:08
The match is in the cap!
01:29:11
It's strange. Why did they fly?
01:29:13
They got the match to buy a gravitsappa, and they know Earth's tentura.
01:29:20
Comrade etsilopp!
01:29:23
Comrade etsilopp!
01:29:25
They've stolen our things! Catch them!
01:29:31
Koo!
01:29:34
Catch them!
01:29:36
40 chatls.
01:29:38
No chatls. Our guide got everything. And the violin is not theirs!
01:29:42
They didn't koo'd before the video Pezhe.
01:29:46
Why are you staring? Why are you staring?
01:29:48
I'll report to your bosses that you knew and took no action.
01:29:52
They'll tranklucate you to hell!
01:29:56
I did take action, I pressed the kappa right away.
01:30:00
The violinist is my witness.
01:30:02
To all posts! Bring the pigsty with wheels here. Koo.
01:30:10
There's nothing in there.
01:30:12
Open it.
01:30:14
Show him.
01:30:29
It's vinegar.
01:30:31
None of your business.
01:30:45
I'll tranklucate the patsak,
01:30:47
the chatlian will get an etsikh with nails for life.
01:30:57
Brothers, brothers, my dear patsaks,
01:31:01
tell the truth, how I did sit-downs,
01:31:05
how this chatlian pressed the kappa.
01:31:09
Shut up.
01:31:11
Uncle Vova!
01:31:12
- Parasite! - Shut up yourself!
01:31:14
Vova, my friend!
01:31:17
Gedevan Alexandrovich, genatsvale! Tell that it was him.
01:31:21
- No! - He didn't sit down.
01:31:23
- I'll give you the pepelats. - Uncle Vova, the pepelats is mine!
01:31:28
Cool it, cool it.
01:31:32
Just a second.
01:31:35
No one cursed anyone. Everybody did sit-downs like monkeys.
01:31:40
I made a mistake.
01:31:43
And it was me who brought the ketse.
01:31:48
What ketse?
01:31:50
The match you took out of the cap.
01:31:53
There was no match, no match.
01:31:56
Uncle Vova, what are you saying, my dear?
01:31:58
Sorry, I forgot.
01:32:00
There was no match.
01:32:02
No match.
01:32:06
Both get an etsikh without nails for life, until they pay up.
01:32:10
The pay-up is 500 chatls, 250 apiece.
01:32:15
Thank you!
01:32:17
Patsak, glue up the violin and sing songs, violinist!
01:32:21
Guys, it was a joke about the match, we just wanted to please you!
01:32:31
On the river, on the river, On a steep river bank
01:32:37
Koo Marusya with white...
01:32:48
Hello, Earthman!
01:32:50
I'm sure one day you'll fly to this planet, too.
01:32:57
Greetings to you from Vladimir Nikolayevich Mashkov,
01:33:01
a builder from Moscow,
01:33:02
and Gedevan Aleksidze from Batumi,
01:33:06
the first men to set their feet on those lousy sands at the backyard of Universe.
01:33:11
Brother patsak, throw in more of your ruberoid, you got only water there.
01:33:16
Tell him to give me something else.
01:33:29
Who knows, maybe at that time
01:33:32
somebody who knew me would be still alive.
01:33:36
Tell them that I didn't steal the violin.
01:33:39
Look, it's as good as new.
01:33:47
There's one more piece.
01:33:51
It happens. Sometimes.
01:34:07
Lots of calories?
01:34:08
Earthmen, who presses like that?
01:34:12
I had a hard time finding you. Good thing there's memory.
01:34:17
Here's your sock. Thanks.
01:34:19
If you want, I can move you over to Earth.
01:34:22
I now know your number in the tentura.
01:34:25
But hurry up, because one second here equals a half-year there.
01:34:29
All right, we press it to Earth now,
01:34:32
get the matches, come back and trade them for our guys.
01:34:37
- We go to Moscow, you go home. - I can't. There're only 3 charges.
01:34:40
That's great.
01:34:42
Just enough for going there, here and back.
01:34:45
And what about me?
01:34:48
- Listen, friend... - Koo.
01:34:51
- Koo! - Koo!
01:34:54
Koo.
01:35:00
Make your mind, yes or no? To the count of 3. One.
01:35:03
- Wait. - Two.
01:35:05
Put yourself in my place. They're sitting there because of me.
01:35:08
And my little son has got that big a beard now.
01:35:11
Two and a half. Two and a half!
01:35:15
No, I can't do it this way.
01:35:18
Three.
01:35:37
Who needs all that?! Tsaks, tsaraks - it's all garbage!
01:35:55
Where did you get this?
01:35:59
It lay idle on a shelf at the planetarium.
01:36:02
Violinist, my dear kleptomaniac, you filched a gravitsappa.
01:36:57
Patsaks. Patsaks!
01:37:00
Why are you performing here standing? You can do it standing only over there.
01:37:05
The etsilopp didn't let us there.
01:37:08
Here you may do it only on your knees.
01:37:11
Never mind, we're fine like this... Pay up.
01:37:17
All right.
01:37:23
Come on, behave yourself.
01:37:40
Koo.
01:38:02
Uncle Vova.
01:38:04
Your coat matches my hat.
01:38:08
Hi!
01:38:11
How you doing?
01:38:16
What's new on Plyuk?
01:38:23
Sing.
01:38:30
I'm not in good voice today.
01:38:33
Sing.
01:39:28
Koo! Koo!
01:39:42
Vladimir Nikolayevich, I can't go on anymore.
01:39:47
Stay cool, violinist.
01:39:51
- How much is this? - One hundred.
01:39:55
We seem to have sung right.
01:39:59
- And this? - 50.
01:40:02
All right...
01:40:06
An etsilopp.
01:40:10
Koo.
01:40:17
Patsaks, why aren't you with muzzles?
01:40:22
Turn around.
01:40:24
Mister Pezhe has ordered all patsaks to wear muzzles.
01:40:30
And rejoice.
01:40:32
All right, this is for me. And this is for you.
01:40:38
And this is for you.
01:40:40
Why aren't you rejoicing? I'm talking to you!
01:40:46
Come on, raise your tranklucator, chatlian.
01:40:54
- Put it on. - Yes, sir.
01:40:56
And rejoice.
01:40:59
I'm rejoicing! Oh, look, Pezhe is here!
01:41:04
Where?
01:41:11
Get up!
01:41:15
Get up!
01:41:18
Open your mouth. Wider.
01:41:22
Violinist, the gag.
01:41:27
Hurry!
01:41:33
Turn around!
01:41:37
Your nose!
01:41:40
Give us the money.
01:41:44
Here, hold it like this.
01:41:50
Take it off, too.
01:41:54
If you just think that this junk is not a tranklucator,
01:41:57
it's going to be the last thought in your chatlian head.
01:42:01
Take the shortest route to the etsikh now!
01:42:05
All lie down for half an hour!
01:42:13
- Straight ahead! - Straight ahead!
01:42:16
Move it!
01:42:27
- Koo! - Excuse me, granny.
01:42:34
She's Pezhe's mother.
01:42:37
Pezhe's mother!
01:42:39
Pezhe's mother.
01:43:00
Koo.
01:43:06
Koo.
01:43:08
A video?
01:43:11
Himself.
01:43:14
Everybody into the trough! Move it!
01:43:29
Open the door.
01:43:34
And stay there for 24 hours!
01:43:36
Do you koo or not koo?
01:43:37
Koo.
01:44:04
Here. Koo!
01:44:09
- Koo. - Koo!
01:44:12
- Which number? - The last one.
01:44:23
Koo!
01:44:41
Hello.
01:44:46
Hey, chatlian, sing!
01:44:49
Cut it out, violinist.
01:44:54
Roll out the last but one.
01:45:07
- Ku! - Vanish!
01:45:25
Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
01:45:28
Gomardzhoba.
01:45:32
Get out.
01:45:36
- We can't. - They'll catch us.
01:45:44
Wait.
01:45:49
We got a gravitsappa.
01:46:05
Koo, Uncle Vova!
01:46:06
Koo, koo.
01:46:08
Cut it.
01:46:12
Here.
01:46:19
Koo!
01:46:21
Push it!
01:46:32
Uncle Vova, help me to roll the etsikh out!
01:46:37
Forget it!
01:46:39
Vladimir Nikolayevich!
01:46:41
Mankind's worked for thousands of years for the sake of a pebble from the Moon,
01:46:45
and here we have a live ET and an etsikh made of unknown metal!
01:46:51
Forget it, I said!
01:46:56
Koo.
01:47:02
Koo.
01:47:06
Koo.
01:47:09
Koo.
01:47:11
Koo.
01:47:13
- The tsappa. - Yes, the tsappa.
01:47:18
The tsappa!
01:47:19
- Press the tsappa! - I did!
01:47:23
Koo!
01:47:25
- Are we flying? - We're starting it up.
01:47:28
Hurry up, they may come to any minute!
01:47:32
Don't be in the way.
01:47:55
We've landed.
01:47:57
Landed where?
01:48:01
Khanud!
01:48:04
What Khanud?
01:48:07
- The planet I was born on. - Me too.
01:48:13
- It's nighttime. - It's always nighttime here now.
01:48:16
- Put this on. - What for?
01:48:19
There's no bloody air here.
01:48:21
How can you live here?
01:48:23
No one lives here anymore.
01:48:27
The Plyukans tranklucated us while we were on tour.
01:48:32
- For what? - For not tranklucating them sooner.
01:48:35
And them, what for?
01:48:37
For looming overhead.
01:48:40
- So everyone had died? - Sure.
01:48:44
Vova, I have a suggestion.
01:48:47
The planet Khanud costs just kopecks now.
01:48:49
63 chatls.
01:48:51
A month of singing ''mama'' around the galaxy, and the planet's in our pocket.
01:48:55
Another month, and we can buy the air.
01:48:58
93 chatls.
01:48:59
Everybody with no air will pour down here. The air is ours!
01:49:04
They'll be crawling on all fours and we'll just spit on them.
01:49:08
- What for? - Just to enjoy it.
01:49:11
Is it something to enjoy?
01:49:14
You're too young yet.
01:49:16
Half the planet is yours, the other half is ours, all right?
01:49:21
It's tempting, of course.
01:49:25
But we need to go to Earth.
01:49:28
Let's hurry, in half an hour our supermarket will close.
01:49:35
Don't be so jumpy, Vova.
01:49:40
Look here.
01:49:45
We're here.
01:49:48
Earth is here.
01:49:49
And this is Alpha.
01:49:51
On Alpha they make cactuses out of us.
01:49:55
Earth is in the anti-tentura, my dear.
01:49:58
And we have no way of reaching it, understand?
01:50:02
- How come? - That's so.
01:50:04
I've been unlucky all my life.
01:50:07
The pepelats just can't get to Earth.
01:50:11
So enough of blathering, all right?
01:50:14
Let's go and divide the planet.
01:50:27
Did you learn about it at the planetarium?
01:50:30
Yes, my dear.
01:50:32
And that's why you stole the match?
01:50:36
- Sure. - They're lying, Uncle Vova!
01:50:41
Don't believe them.
01:50:44
Come on, take us to Earth. That's it!
01:50:49
No, Gedevan, they're not lying.
01:50:52
For those matches they'd crawl on all fours over the entire universe.
01:51:15
Don't you joke with that, Vova.
01:51:18
There is only 2% oxygen norm here.
01:52:24
Gedevan...
01:52:27
Don't do it. You're young, you must live.
01:52:31
Something might change yet.
01:52:34
No one needs the violinist, Uncle Vova.
01:52:54
Hey, patsak!
01:53:02
You're going to kick the bucket anyway.
01:53:06
Tell the truth just once in your life.
01:53:09
Why didn't you shift in space with that goat while you could?
01:53:14
What did you want?
01:53:17
Crimson pants? Pezhe's pool?
01:53:21
Tell me, what?
01:53:30
Gedevaniko, sonny.
01:53:34
You tell me. You can tell me, I'm like you.
01:53:38
My mother was Georgian.
01:53:43
Sadauri.
01:53:44
Akhauri.
01:53:51
He says his mother was a local Georgian.
01:53:56
Uef!
01:53:58
Do as you like, but I'm going to koo them to Alpha.
01:54:02
Ku!
01:54:04
And you, stinking chatlian, put on the tsak
01:54:07
and sit down when you're talking to a patsak!
01:54:10
Khanud is a patsak planet, my dear.
01:54:14
Koo.
01:54:16
Repeat it again.
01:54:18
You catapult us to Alpha,
01:54:21
while you try to slow down in its orbit.
01:54:25
- The hell you can slow down there. - Don't interrupt.
01:54:30
Go on, my dear.
01:54:32
On Alpha, when they shift us to Earth,
01:54:36
we are to press the shifting machine with a finger,
01:54:40
so that we keep it with us.
01:54:42
On Earth we are to buy for you
01:54:45
four crates of matches.
01:54:49
Go on, my dear.
01:54:51
For how long do we have to sing the same song?
01:54:54
Let's fly.
01:54:56
Because of you I'll have to sit in a pot forever!
01:55:02
You, too, could open your mouth for a change.
01:55:09
Guys, my dear, wonderful guys,
01:55:13
either we fly, or at least close the door.
01:55:16
I can't bear the sight of you anymore.
01:55:19
I feel sick as it is.
01:55:27
Bye, my dear.
01:55:31
- Koo! - Koo.
01:55:33
- Koo? - Koo!
01:55:35
We're flying.
01:55:37
Put on brakes!
01:55:40
Put on brakes!
01:55:42
Put on brakes!
01:55:43
How can I put on brakes when you've drunk all the brake fluid, you alkie!
01:55:49
He'll get poisoned.
01:55:51
- Turn off your horns. - They don't turn off.
01:55:54
- Then take them off. - They're going to break.
01:55:59
It looks like we've landed. It felt the same last time.
01:56:03
All right...
01:56:05
Put on the gas mask.
01:56:07
- And the tsak? - They'll do without.
01:56:15
The Earth!
01:56:41
On the river, on the river,
01:56:44
On the river ba...
01:56:51
No.
01:56:53
It's not the Earth.
01:57:00
Hello.
01:57:03
We're patsaks from the planet Earth. And who are you?
01:57:07
This is the planet Alpha.
01:57:09
Give your coordinates to Decont, she will shift you.
01:57:15
Goodbye.
01:57:18
Will you please tell me the number of your planet?
01:57:22
013 in the tentura.
01:57:28
It's here, somewhere close.
01:57:31
- Here. - Left of Big Bear.
01:57:34
We don't need that. Please, hold each other's hands.
01:57:38
Miss, where will those two go...
01:57:41
To the little branch of the greenhouse. Please, hold each other's hands.
01:57:46
Do you really make cactuses out of people?
01:57:48
- Only out of Plyukans. - Ours are Khanudans, not Plyukans.
01:57:51
Makes no difference.
01:57:53
Please, put on respirators.
01:57:57
- Why? You got good air. - That's why.
01:58:01
- Just look at her! - Put it on, Gedevan.
01:58:08
I'm asking you on behalf of my planet.
01:58:12
Please, let them go.
01:58:19
Who has the authority to decide that?
01:58:23
Abradoks, but...
01:58:27
Then take us to him.
01:58:28
Take us, or I'll take the gas mask off and breathe out a lot of air here.
01:58:36
You don't have to worry.
01:58:38
Our greenhouses have excellent conditions.
01:58:41
Blossoming, microclimate, peace.
01:58:45
One might only envy them.
01:58:47
Then why, my dear, do you run here in the grass
01:58:50
and not sit in a pot there?
01:58:52
Please, look under your feet, you've already trampled three shoots.
01:58:56
Friend.
01:58:59
We're asking for a favor.
01:59:01
You may as well not continue. No.
01:59:05
Our proximity to the Kin-dza-dza galaxy is our misfortune.
01:59:10
They're consumed with passions.
01:59:13
Corrupt passions.
01:59:15
To continue living as a vegetable is good for them.
01:59:21
As for everybody else.
01:59:24
Why not ask them? They know better what's good for them and what's not.
01:59:30
If we gave them the right to decide anything...
01:59:36
Are you the smartest ones here, girl?
01:59:41
Did someone tell you that, or you decided so on your own?
01:59:44
Let's not waste time.
01:59:47
You're creatures from the antitentura.
01:59:50
Therefore, I have to shift you
01:59:53
to the point of your departure
01:59:57
or send you back in time
01:59:59
to the moment when you yourselves can decide your destiny.
02:00:03
Make your choice.
02:00:05
I beg your pardon, to what time?
02:00:08
To your past on Plyuk.
02:00:24
Let's do it like this: one goes to Earth, the other to the past.
02:00:30
Vladimir Nikolayevich.
02:00:32
I'm not letting you go alone to Plyuk.
02:00:40
Look, man, press the time.
02:00:55
Was I gluing the violin for about 50 minutes?
02:00:58
Right, 50.
02:01:05
Listen, brother, the patsak with a sock is going to come now.
02:01:08
Tell him to follow us to the etsikh.
02:01:10
- You know where the etsikh is? - Sure thing!
02:01:12
- Show him the way. - He must give me something else.
02:01:16
Everybody rest for half an hour!
02:01:21
Thanks, dears.
02:01:37
Koo.
02:01:39
Play your games, men.
02:01:46
Koo!
02:01:52
- Koo! - Koo.
02:01:54
Violinist, time!
02:01:58
You haven't shifted back again, you pests.
02:02:00
- Yeah, not again. Get out. - Like hell we will!
02:02:04
We're better off here than on Alpha.
02:02:06
Pull them out.
02:02:15
The shifting machine will be here soon.
02:02:18
You owe us 11,000 matchboxes, the violinist has it all written down.
02:02:24
11,020.
02:02:26
I have a suggestion, Vova. You and I shift to the supermarket.
02:02:31
Then, after we buy everything...
02:02:33
There'll be no then. We fly only as far as Earth.
02:02:39
For good?
02:02:41
For good.
02:02:44
Me going to the planet where they don't know who should sit down before whom?
02:02:49
Give me the gravitsappa and you may do as you like.
02:02:51
Uncle Uef, Uncle Bi, they'll give you such a welcome!
02:02:54
No, genatsvale, the society that has no color differentiation of pants,
02:02:59
has no goal, and if there's no goal...
02:03:02
Enough philosophizing, he may appear any minute.
02:03:06
Let's make a decision.
02:03:08
You go with us or what?
02:03:10
Give me the gravitsappa!
02:03:15
Give it to him.
02:03:19
We shouldn't have.
02:03:30
Well?
02:03:32
Let's say goodbyes.
02:03:39
I sort of got used to you.
02:03:43
Me too.
02:04:03
Well, take care.
02:04:06
Friends!
02:04:09
Patsaks.
02:04:11
Here's your sock, thanks.
02:04:15
- If you want... - Friend, what kind of system you got?
02:04:20
May I take a look?
02:04:24
It's a regular system. You press the button and you're home.
02:04:29
Koo!
02:04:44
Hi.
02:04:45
Hi. What's new?
02:04:48
Manokhin got pipes burst on his site.
02:05:00
That's what she's like, an Odessa girl, A delicate, lively Odessa girl.
02:05:04
She dances and sings,
02:05:06
The kisses she brings To those who with merriment rings!
02:05:08
Daddy, daddy, what are we to do When the freezing cold comes?
02:05:13
Yes, yes, you have no warm kerchief, You have no winter coat!
02:05:27
- How's our exemplary student? - Our exemplary student went for a walk.
02:05:31
Vova, go buy bread. I forgot to.
02:05:35
Yes, and buy some macaroni, too.
02:05:56
Comrade, which way is Old Arbat?
02:05:59
- Over there, to the right. - Thank you.
02:06:15
- Koo! - Koo!
02:06:24
Violinist?
02:06:30
Uncle Vova!
02:06:38
Violinist...
02:06:43
Uncle Vova...
02:07:05
Mama, mama, what am I to do...
02:07:18
The End

Description:

Our other films are on the site http://cinema.mosfilm.ru/ The restoration of the film was made by a team of Mosfilm computer graphics professionals. Learn more: https://cg.mosfilm.ru Subscribe to our pages on social networks! Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MosfilmOfficial VKontakte: https://vk.com/club20286388 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mosfilm_official/ A brilliant satire that miraculously passed through all censors. Two earthlings found themselves on the planet Plyuk - and this is not at all “ku”, as there is nothing but sand all around, and the Plyukians live underground in bleak post-apocalyptic dwellings.

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